Author Topic: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?  (Read 3730 times)

Awesomecakes

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Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« on: March 11, 2019, 06:42:55 pm »
Hi sissies. Just wanted to get your thoughts. It's been more than a year since I found out about my husband's infidelity. I must admit, there are days that I still think about it but I try not to bring it up since it would only end up with an argument. But there are days that I feel like the pain's still here and he makes me feel I don't have the right to be hurt since it's part of the past.

To be fair with him, he was very eager to regain my trust. He chose us.  He asked for forgiveness. He promised that he'll do everything and anything to make our marriage work. But now, I can't help but think is it just because that I was pregnant when I found out about it and too weak to handle the situation? Why do I feel like what he did to win me back is not enough? But for him, he has done everything and it's just me who can't move on?

A part of me still wants to fix our marriage. But I feel so lost now and I don't know myself anymore. I don't know where to start. We're still living together, staying in one bed but I don't feel loved anymore. We've been sexless for months now. I can even count on my one hand the number of times we did it in the last year. I tried to bring it up but he said we're just too busy and tired. I just feel like he's totally lost his interest and he's no longer attracted to me.

No one knows about how I feel right now and what happened in the past even my family and closest friends. I decided to keep it to protect him and our family.  I feel so alone. :(

What should I do?

iceheaven31

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2019, 10:31:10 am »
Have you undergone marriage counselling? Minsan, hindi kayang kayong dalawa lang ang magresolba ng ganitong problema. Baka may mga bagay pa na hindi niyo maidentify that needs more fixing.

And also, take one day at a time. Probably a year is not yet enough. Do not rush yourself.

nerddict

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2019, 10:50:02 am »
^Hays. Hugs sis. Please do not be afraid mag-open up sa mga closest and trusted friends mo. It will help, trust me. Plus prayers. Kapit lang kay Lord. Learn to lift things to the Lord para yung burden na nararamdaman mo, gumaan kahit papaano.

I know people na kahit isang dekada na ang incident of fidelity, hindi pa din nakakalimutan yung nangyari. It takes time talaga. Everyday you need to make a choice. Pero isaalang-alang mo din ang sarili mo sa pagpili mo sis.

NinaSarah

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2019, 07:26:47 pm »
my story sa loob ng 22 years namin..
tinago ko lang lahat to the point nagkasakit ako. depression, panic attack, anxiety. cycle lang. mahuli.. babalik.. patawarin.. uulit ulit..
now pagod na rin ako.. i am now 45yo. planning to leave him na this year.

payo ko lang, if d na masaya, if wala ng tiwala, maghiwalay na lang..

lilu

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2019, 11:06:15 am »
Hi sis, kailangan magpakatatag ka if you decide to stay. Masyadong long process ang pag recover after infidelity. Lalo na't hindi mo nakikitaan ng effort ang lalaki to make it up to you. Minsan nagsasama lang kayo for the sake of the kids, or minsan dependent ang wife because no work, no income to start, and lastly hindi nya alam kung saan sya pupulitin. Actually, Ive been there before pero may mga dahilan din ako kung bakit di ako umalis. Ang laki kasi ng i-ninvest kong panahon to build our family... sacrificing time, career etc.. Tapos hahayaan kong masira lang pinaghirapan kong mabuo? No, hindi ako sumuko.

Parang nagdaan sa butas ng karayom yung husband ko to gain my trust. Ilang years din yun. Napatawad ko din naman sya and he promised to fix things and patch it up. Nag adjust din ako sa mga pagkukulang ko, nag ayus-ayos ako. And alam mo sis sa sobrang over thinker ko, naiisip ko mga mangyayari once I choose to stay or leave. Madami nakong scenario na naisip pero mas maganda kung nag stay ako. Mas maganda din kumausap ng kaibigan. One or two will do just to keep you sane. Kailangan mo ng kausap sis. Kasi sila din yung magbibigay sayo ng consequences kung ginawa mo ito, ganyan... keep yourself busy or pamper youself din, at syempre magpakatatag ka.
 


bwiset12

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2019, 12:47:38 am »
Saktong napa gt ako at maghahanap talaga ko ng ganitong topic.
Almost 6 years na din ang nakakalipas ng malagpasan ko ang isa sa malaking trial na nangyari sa buhay ko. Yun ay nung nangaliwa si partner. Pinatawad ko naman na sya. Maayos naman kami. Pero mahirap makalimot. LDR kami. LDR din kami nung nangyari yun at buntis ako sa bunso namin nung naganap yun.
After 1 year ng affair nagbalik loob. Tinanggap ko naman, yun lang naanakan nya yung kabit nya.
Siguro kaya din di ako maka get over, kasi nagkaron ng bunga. Hanggang ngayon parating naiisip ko pa din mga ginawa nya. Pero sinasarili ko na lang. Bihirang bihira ako mag open sa kanya kasi nga naman para sa kanya tapos naman na yun. Himala na lang siguro kung  makakalimutan ko pa yun. Grabe lang talaga ang epekto. Mahirap na din talagang magtiwala pa.

shelly ohhh!!

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2019, 02:03:59 pm »
Joining.. :) Hi mga Sis, ako super fresh pa. Kahapon ko lang nalaman na nagloloko na naman asawa ko. The girl confess me. Hindi lang ito yung unang beses na ginawa nya.

mizizlim

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2019, 04:03:39 pm »
joining. :(

it?s been 2 years for me. ok naman kami, still together. but there are times talaga na hindi maiwasan maisip pa din yung pangyayari na yun. sa totoo lang, i am still lost and sad. alam ko nararamdaman yun ni hubby. nagtatry naman sya pero i think nasa akin na din ang problema minsan. i feel din na nagsasawa na sya sa pagpapasensya sakin pero di talaga ako maka get over.

lagi ko na lang talaga ipinagdadasal na paggising ko sa umaga ok na ako.
think COUNTRY!

three8one

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #8 on: April 14, 2019, 03:40:34 pm »
^ don't cry ma'am. be strong and courageous dapat, para harapin yan trials ninyo sa buhay. sabi mo nga nag sisikap naman si hubs mo.. don't despair, keep on praying until something good happen.  :)
.... apart from You i can do nothing.... but with God nothing is impossible...therefore, I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.
 
John 15:5
Matthew 19:26
Philippians 4:13

gracita13

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #9 on: April 16, 2019, 03:14:18 pm »
Hi sis Awesomecakes! it's been almost 5years nung naranasan ko yan. Hindi madali,imagine halos 1year kameng hindi nag uusap kasi pag nag usap kame mauuwi lang sa away. Sa 1year namen na hindi nag uusap inayos ko yung relationship ko ke God and have a personal relationship with Jesus.Kung hindi ko naintindihan yung forgiveness na binigay saken ni God hindi ko kaya on my own patawarin ang husband ko, i fell out of love sa sobrang sakit cause ng infidelity and Praise God, He restored our marriage!
Sis, gusto ko lang i-share yung sinabe nung napanood ko about forgiveness.
" Forgiveness is not a one time, big time thing... Forgiveness is a choice and everytime you feel the pain, choose to forgive again, and again and again."

Receive God's forgiveness so you can forgive others, Sis. You cannot give what you don' t have.

I'll pray for you.
You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it. John 14:14

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preciousjulia

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2019, 01:58:34 pm »
Ang hindi ko maintindihan sa mga lalaki na yan bakit sila nagagalit if may mga times na nagbabalik yung doubts natin sa kanila.
Sino ba gustong masira ang tiwala?
Sino ba ang gustong masaktan?
Pagkatapos nila mag sorry gusto nila ok na?
Yung iba nga sa kanila kung hindi pa nahuli hindi naman kusang titigil sa ginagawa..
Ang gusto lang naman natin minsan ay assurance lang ulit...
Kahit simpleng salita o yakap lang diba..hindi yung sasabayan pa tayo at mag gagalit galitan din.
Oo tinanggap at pinatawad ulit sila, pero hindi naman yun as easy as one to three,
Babalik at babalik ulit tayo minsan dun sa araw na nasaktan tayo at babalik yung mga tanong sa isip natin at dun natin sila higit na kailangan.
Yung husband ko nga sabi ko sa kanya kung hindi nya kayang tagalan yung drama ko tuwing naaalala ko yung ginawa nya, dalawa lang yun... Una, hindi nya dapat ginawa yun in the first place dahil alam nyang mali or second, just leave..and buti naman wala sa choice nya ang leave :D
At dahil nga nagawa nya yun he needs to make an effort na i-assured ako everytime I feel down and emotional tuwing naaalala ko yun..at dahil nakikita at feel ko naman effort at sincerity nya ginagawa ko naman din yung part ko as his wife and to make our marriage work also.
Mahirap gawin yun sa ating mga wife kung yung mga partner natin hindi naman binibigay yung assurance na kailangan natin.
"Admire someone else's beauty without questioning your own"  - Unknown

three8one

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2019, 03:31:33 pm »
Yung husband ko nga sabi ko sa kanya kung hindi nya kayang tagalan yung drama ko tuwing naaalala ko yung ginawa nya, dalawa lang yun... Una, hindi nya dapat ginawa yun in the first place dahil alam nyang mali or second, just leave..and buti naman wala sa choice nya ang leave :D

pero dapat ma'am hindi rin nagbibigay ng option mga babae na "leave" sa mga lalake kung ayaw din ni babae talaga na umalis si husband/partner. minsan or madalas patola mga lalake o kaya yun lang yung hinihintay na que para gawin ng mga guys yun. baka sa huli mabaliktad na pangyayari, mga babae na may kasalanan, pag gumulo na ng husto ang sitwasyon. hehe!

just my 2 cents.  ;D
.... apart from You i can do nothing.... but with God nothing is impossible...therefore, I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.
 
John 15:5
Matthew 19:26
Philippians 4:13

preciousjulia

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2019, 03:49:48 pm »
^ For me lang ha..kung patola at mag leave sya it only proves na kaya nya ginawa na ibreak yung trust ko kasi hindi ako mahalaga sa kanya. Eh di tapos agad ang usapan, hindi yung sorry kunwari para lang wala ng pag awayan tapos pag naalala ni wife yung nangyari sya pa galit. Hindi ko naman sasabihin yun kung hindi ko mean. Tahimik akong tao pero once na nagsalita ako pinag-aralan ko muna yung sasabihin ko at actions ko. Natuwa lang ako kasi inako nya talaga yung responsibility na ayusin, pinaramdam nya sakin sincere sya to work things out between us ;)
"Admire someone else's beauty without questioning your own"  - Unknown

three8one

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2019, 06:02:11 pm »
^ okay ma'am. buti na lang mahalaga at love na love kayo ng husband mo.  :)

Salamat sa pag share ng opinion mo.  :)
.... apart from You i can do nothing.... but with God nothing is impossible...therefore, I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.
 
John 15:5
Matthew 19:26
Philippians 4:13

naizlabonita

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #14 on: April 17, 2019, 11:30:05 pm »
You can do it sis..its been 2 years mula nun nalaman ko yung sa partner ko and honestly wala na hehe..wala na kong pakiramdam nakalimutan ko na..well di ko nalimutan pero parang time will help you heal talaga.. basta wag nyo na pag usapan lalo kung pinili ninyong magsama pa din at iwork out ang things.. it works.. pero dun sa mga hinde na talaga kinaya e ganun talaga eh..nag give up na..anyways..sa part ko napaka laking tulong nung nagtry ako magdivert ng attention ko.. di ako pala make up nuon pero now natuto ako parang dun ako nag focus imbes na isipin ko yung mga problema ko sakanya nag make up make up ako hehe..ending may mga nagkagustu pa sakin so nagagalit partner ko..parang atleast nafeel nya din yung nafeel ko nuon hehe basta I suggest you find new things to do and wag isipin yung negative although di yan maiiwasan pero itry mo iminimize
Protect your heart and mind from the ugliness that does not belong to you

preciousjulia

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #15 on: April 22, 2019, 10:09:58 am »
^ okay ma'am. buti na lang mahalaga at love na love kayo ng husband mo.  :)

Salamat sa pag share ng opinion mo.  :)

This! For the longest time sobrang solid ng trust ko sa asawa ko kasi naman ang asikaso nya samin ng daughter ko at sa amin dalawa mas malambing sya sakin. Kaya ako in return sinusunod ko din mga gusto nya and umiiwas ako sa mga bagay na pwede magbigay ng doubt sa kanya. Well, i guess dadating talaga ang time na medyo maliligwak ang mga asawa natin (hindi ko nilalahat). Yung nangyari, mas naging strong ako kasi naisip ko kahit gano napaka-loving ng asawa ko dadating ang mga pagsubok..although flirt flirt lang compared sa ibang sissies dito na nagloko at binahay pa mga kabit but still may nadamage.

Like sis naizalabonita said, tama ka sis agree ako na malaking tulong din na mas i-improve natin yung sarili natin..so in the long run tayo mismo we will feel good about ourselves. And mababawasan yung mga doubts natin and mag-aattract tayo ng positivity :) I feel empowered knowing na kaya kong gawin and magdecide sa mga bagay on my own, unlike before na sunod lang ako kay hubby ;) and hubby respects that. :)
"Admire someone else's beauty without questioning your own"  - Unknown

Lady.Doloroso

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #16 on: April 23, 2019, 05:29:08 pm »
Hi sis! If both of you are willing to work it out, I suggest magundergo kayo ng counseling. We did it sa CEFAM, sa loob ng Ateneo. Naalala ko pa sinabi sa amin nung counselor, kung siya daw mag analyze sa situation namin ng hubby ko, we will not make it. Pero nakadepende pa rin daw sa amin yun.

True enough, we made it. Hindi madali pero everything is worth it. Lalo na kung mahal niyo pa ang isa't isa at yung willingness ninyo na maayos kayo. Eto yung sinasabi dun sa vow natin nung mga kinasal tayo, for better or for worse. Hindi madali magpatawad or makalimot pero possible. Kelangan mo lang tulungan sarili mo at yung hubby mo din.

If nagpapakita yung husband mo na nagsisisi na talaga siya, give him a chance. If nandun yung effort, appreciate mo yun. Pareho kayong magtutulungan kung gusto nyo makalimot. Hindi lang naman ikaw ang need makalimot, yung husband mo din para mabalik ninyo yung dati niyong samahan.


Lalo na kung may mga anak kayo, isipin na lang natin yung mg anak natin. Yung sacrifice na ginagawa natin eh para sa ikakasaya at sa peace of mind ng mga anak natin na kumpleto ang family nila.

Alam ko sobrang sakit niya, yung pride, yung feeling na gusto mong bumawi. Pero lahat ng yun di makakatulong. Kelangan mo rin magdecide, ano ba talaga ang gusto nyong mag asawa. If nagdecide kayo na tuloy, then unti unti kayo bumangon, TOGETHER. Wag yung, ikaw may kasalanan kaya dapat iplease mo ako or dapat ganto, dapat ganyan.

Napanood mo na ba sis ang The Love Affair nina Dawn Zulueta at Richard Gomez? Maganda yung movie na yun. Though si Dawn ang nagloko pero madami kang mapupulot na aral about family.

Pray, sis. God will lead you to healing.

preciousjulia

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #17 on: April 24, 2019, 08:19:04 am »
Hi sis! If both of you are willing to work it out, I suggest magundergo kayo ng counseling. We did it sa CEFAM, sa loob ng Ateneo. Naalala ko pa sinabi sa amin nung counselor, kung siya daw mag analyze sa situation namin ng hubby ko, we will not make it. Pero nakadepende pa rin daw sa amin yun.

True enough, we made it. Hindi madali pero everything is worth it. Lalo na kung mahal niyo pa ang isa't isa at yung willingness ninyo na maayos kayo. Eto yung sinasabi dun sa vow natin nung mga kinasal tayo, for better or for worse. Hindi madali magpatawad or makalimot pero possible. Kelangan mo lang tulungan sarili mo at yung hubby mo din.

If nagpapakita yung husband mo na nagsisisi na talaga siya, give him a chance. If nandun yung effort, appreciate mo yun. Pareho kayong magtutulungan kung gusto nyo makalimot. Hindi lang naman ikaw ang need makalimot, yung husband mo din para mabalik ninyo yung dati niyong samahan.



Lalo na kung may mga anak kayo, isipin na lang natin yung mg anak natin. Yung sacrifice na ginagawa natin eh para sa ikakasaya at sa peace of mind ng mga anak natin na kumpleto ang family nila.

Alam ko sobrang sakit niya, yung pride, yung feeling na gusto mong bumawi. Pero lahat ng yun di makakatulong. Kelangan mo rin magdecide, ano ba talaga ang gusto nyong mag asawa. If nagdecide kayo na tuloy, then unti unti kayo bumangon, TOGETHER. Wag yung, ikaw may kasalanan kaya dapat iplease mo ako or dapat ganto, dapat ganyan.


Pray, sis. God will lead you to healing.

^This! I like what you've said sis. Very helpful. Tumpak na tumpak. Eto din tina-try ko i-mind set sa sarili ko. Very well said sis :) Thanks!
"Admire someone else's beauty without questioning your own"  - Unknown

Lady.Doloroso

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #18 on: April 24, 2019, 02:36:07 pm »
^This! I like what you've said sis. Very helpful. Tumpak na tumpak. Eto din tina-try ko i-mind set sa sarili ko. Very well said sis :) Thanks!


Thanks, Sis! Been there, done that. :)

ruelala86

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Re: Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?
« Reply #19 on: May 17, 2019, 09:46:45 am »
Hi sissies. Sadly, I'm joining this thread to get more insights.
 
Everything is still fresh and ang dami dami ko ng binasa online to help me understand and recover. I'm glad I found GT and real women who share their experiences.

We are newly weds, together for 8 years before tying the knot and tomorrow is our 9th month. It?s been a week since he confessed pero ang hirap makuha sa kanya yun totoo. Last month Black Saturday, I received an FB message from a person na hindi ko kilala saying na may kabit ang asawa ko. Syempre di ako makapaniwala, sobrang tiwala ko sa kanya. Di ko alam ang gagawin ko. I tried to strategize pano ko mahuhuli. Sa lahat ng binasa ko ang sabi wag magpadala at maging emotional, gather proof. Pero di ko kinaya. He was out with friends, masama pakiramdam ko nun at tinawagan ko sya agad. At pauwi na raw sya. In short I confronted him that night and he denied it. Andaming nasabi. Inamin ko rin sya kanya na felt something was wrong and it crossed my mind few months back pa na he might be having an affair. Pero naniwala pa rin ako sa kanya na hindi totoo at may mga naninira lang sa kanya dun sa dati nyang company. He transferred to a new company kasi 2 weeks after we were married.

Weeks passed and hindi ako makampante. Hindi na namin napag usapan. Nagreresearch pa ako anong pwedeng gawin. I tried putting a tracking app sa phone nya. But sa hirap ng installation naubusan ako ng time at hindi nagstealth mode yung app. In short napansin nya may ginawa ako sa phone so nabuking ako. Hindi kame nakapag usap agad nun because of work. Until he opened up the topic on a Friday night. Again, mahabang usapan. Very emotional on my part  and until umamin sya there was someone  before we got married (unnamed person)  pero it was more of talking/ flirting and he defined it as emotional cheating. Syempre masakit kahit ano pa ang definition nun. The following day, I kept pushing and pushing, asking for more details na ayaw nyang ibigay. His point is tapos na yun, he was sorry, sobrang apologetic and he wanted to move on ayusin namin. Pero makulit ako until he admitted the truth. Totoo yung sinabi sa FB na may kabit  sya  pero tapos na raw, and again ayaw nyang magbigay ng details. He said he doesn?t want to hurt me more with the details, kasi it?s his fault, nagkamali sya, inaako nya, pero tapos na raw, he asked and begged for my forgiveness pero di ko pa mabigay. Ups and downs of emotions throughout that long weekend. Until I pieced things together sa mga nasabi nya. He met his Millennial Kabit sa dati nyang office, it started with tuksuhan, tapos gradually kwentuhan. From there nag-evolve, sya raw nangulit kay MK at sya ang nagpursue. May physical encounters and nagkaroon ng emotional attachment.  At yung sinasabi nyang matagal ng tapos, ay last month lang pala.

Ang sakit. The betrayal, the lost of trust. Ang sakit, because we lost so much these past 10 months as a couple and we could have started a family na sana. At ang dami kong realizations.
Trust your gut feel. Totoo ang women?s intuition I felt something was wrong early into our marriage kasi I didn?t get that newlywed feeling and andaming wala from him and us. I noticed little things din but I ignored it.

Humahanga ako sa mga wives na kayang hindi maging emotional. Nag-iisip muna, gather evidence etc. at kung dumating ang confrontation composed pa rin.

Dumating si MK just before we got married. Alam nya nag may GF at ikakasal na that time pero pumatol pa rin siya at tinuloy tuloy pa rin nila even after kameng ikinasal.

I kicked him out kasi di ko kayang tanggapin and nangyari kay MK. Sa sobrang galit ko sa kanila dalawa, nagpadala ako ng email kay MK & copied published email adds ng company nila. No sordid details but a life lesson for a Millennial Kabit. Para malaman nya that her actions have consequences. I cannot accept that she's a victim here because she knew from the start. It was consensual on her part, hindi sapilitan yun. Pumasok sya ng kusa sa ganong sitwasyon at dahil ba nagkabukingan na, VICTIM na rin sya?!

And that email was meant to hurt him and her, and in my anger, consequences be damned. Maybe in time, I might regret it, but in that moment narelease ko lahat ng anger ko sa kanilang dalawa and it helped.  Mas nakakausap ko na ng mahinanon ngaun ang asawa ko. Pero I know na may resistance sa part nya, kasi he got hurt and angry sa ginawa ko. Disappointed raw sya.

Now, I?m a mess of emotions, still left confused, angry and hurt. It?s a cycle na parang masisiraan na ako ng bait.  My husband and I are still communicating and he comes to the condo after work then uuwi sa nanay nya after. We talk a little bit but we don?t know what to do yet. We said so many things, and ang daming realizations about us individually and as a couple. We will try counselling, or at least mag seek muna ng advice how to start and decide from there. Kung kaya pang i-save, we are hoping for the best.

 


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