NEED YOUR HELP. Recovering from infidelity: How did you do it?

[Lady.Doloroso]

I feel you sis.
Wag mo pilitin ang sarili mo, kasi kahit anong gawin mo hindi talaga mawawala yan sa ngayon.
It?s a rollercoaster of emotions, iiyak ka, magiging ok, maalala mo, iiyak ka ulet.

I can relate to you sis, kasi months after we got married dun din nagkaroon ng fling husband ko eh.
We got married 2010, from then up to 2012 ang daming beses ko na siya nahuli.
Hindi siya emotional cheating, puro fling but the hurt is the same.
Lagi ko siya nahuhuli, nakakabaliw talaga. Lahat ng nararamdaman mo normal yan, ganyan talaga ang pinagdadaanan. Unexplainable ang feeling. Yung tipo bang gusto mo talaga sila gantihan.
Ginawa ko rin yan. Nahuli ko siya may kachat at naglalandian sila. I I forwarded yung conversation nila sa mga officemates nila, para mapahiya sila. And tama ka, at first masarap sa pakiramdam kasi gusto mo talaga makaganti eh.


Wala makakatulong sa inyong dalawa kung hindi kayo ring dalawa.
Yung husband mo dapat maintindihan ka niya sa pinagdadaanan mo.
Ikaw naman, if you feel gusto mo pa at may pag-asa pa kayo maayos, wag mo rin ialis yun sa sarili mo.
Be open for forgiveness. If he really deserves the 2nd chance, sana wag mo ipagkait yun because of pride.
Isa rin sa realizations ko, don?t hurt him because he hurt you. It won?t help kasi habang nasasaktan ka, sasaktan mo siya, lalo mo sinasaktan mo rin ang sarili mo.
Focus on the issue which hurt you and not on the things that will hurt your husband.
It will be a never ending hurt na ikaw lang lalo ang mahihirapan.

Pray.. Kung hindi na talaga kaya, pray to God and He will take over.

[Awesomecakes]

Thank you everyone for your messages. I appreciate it.

Unfortunately, the same nightmare happened again but with a another 'other woman'. Just found about it a couple of months ago and I've been trying to keep it to myself. I don't know what to do anymore. I have lost my trust not only with him but to everyone else cause I feel like I'll be judged because of my decisions.

[J.warner]

^ hi Awesomecakes,
Mahirap nga yan if kasal kayo & may anak pa. Its really up to you if kaya mo pa sya tolerate. Usually mga ganyang lalake, uulit at uulit.
Aside from emotional and mental trauma (trust issues), you also have to worry of sex related diseases like std he might get from having different women.
Ako personally I can not tolerate that. Better maghiwalay, but you have to be honest with your family and his kung bakit. Tell the truth and move on. At the end of the day, your peace of mind is all that matters.

[missclary]

It?s been a year but I?m still recovering. Alam nyo when your heart starts thumping fast kapag may madiscover ka na naman na something na baka nagcheat na naman asawa mo. Emotional cheating, kahit wala namang nangyari sa kanila (according to him) pero gusto nya sana. Sobrang sakit.

Recently I discovered na nagpunta pala sila ng officemates nya sa isang night club sa Q Ave. And you know the ones na may massage parlors/spa on the side, last year.  Now I don?t know if nagpamassage din sya or just went there to watch and have fun, but i know my husband, talo sya pag peer pressure. Napipilitan, and first time kasi, so I know andun yung urge na maexperience. From what I read, he was thankful na nagawa daw nila yun magkakaibigan. Ang sakit di ba. Tinago nya sakin for a year. I think impromptu bachelor?s party nila yun for a friend. He could?ve asked me if pwede sya, I would?ve said yes. Ok lang to watch but no touching sana. Pero hindi eh, he kept it from me. And now nagseset na naman sila ng friends nya to go back there at magsama pa ng iba para ?mabinyagan? na yung iba.  What does that even mean in guy language? Hay. Now I can?t tell him pa kasi I?m observing pa. I?m a stay at home mom, we have 1 toddler with special needs.

And so now I?m shattered again, I thought I was ok na pero unti unti na naman nya akong sinisira without knowing. Ubos na self confidence ko. At di ko na kilala sarili ko everytime I interact with him pretending there?s nothing wrong.

[TomHansen]

^ wag mo nang hintayin may gawin siya, kausapin mo na agad para alam niyang di ok sa iyo mga ganyang gawain - mas masakit para sa iyo kung hihintayin mo pang gawin niya kalokohan niya.. Pati yung "ok lang magwatch basta no touch" tigilan mo yan kasi diyan nagsisimula yan, kung di mo pagbabawalan ngayon saan pa ba mapupunta yan kung hindi sa pagtataksil(if hindi pa).

Tandaan mo sis na kung ano man ang mga ginawa/ginagawa niyang kabulastugan siya yun, hindi ikaw ang may mali, hindi ikaw ang nagsasala, hindi ikaw ang may pagkukulang kaya sana hindi ikaw ang mawalan ng self confidence. The more pa nga ngayon na dapat magtiwala ka sa sarili mo dahil who knows anong mangyayari sa marriage niyo kung di magbago asawa mo.. Aja aja fighting!

[missclary]

Thank you sis sa advice. Tama ka nga sis mas ok siguro kung sabihin ko sa kanya na alam ko yung ginawa nya. For sure magagalit din yun at sasabihin na bakit nagbabasa ako ng mga chats nya haha hay nako. Pero may kasalanan din sya dahil bakit nya tinago sakin, di man lang nabanggit halos isang taon na nakalipas pala, alam naman nyang wala na kong tiwala sa kanya.

Ano ba ang magandang opening? Pagdating kasi sa confrontation nauubusan ako ng words, naiiyak na lang talaga ako. Dinidismiss nya lang lagi kasi, na ang shallow lang raw kesyo hindi naman talaga sya nagcheat etc. Btw, this is his fourth time na may ginawa na nakasakit sakin. Yung una is sinabihan nya yung officemate friend nya sa work chat nila na ang sexy nya, second is he was thinking of asking his friend ( i know the girl blockmate namin nung college) na nagkkwento Kay hubby ng mga sexcapades nya, if the girl wants to have sex with him. siguro nadala sya sa mga kwento ni girl. But di nya natuloy tanungin si girl dahil parang kinonsensya sya ng guy friend nya. Third is going to the bar with his friends during the time na akala ko nasa work sya (night shift sya) to drink and then ending up sharing their table with girls and flirting. He got drunk and spent the night at his friend?s house. Which i saw na it?s true naman. Though not sure kung baka may nangyari pang iba that night. Nalaman ko lang to when the next day he was on a chat conversation  with the girl na nakasama nila that night, like the getting to know you convo then binlock na nya the same day. Siguro para di ko makita kaso nakita ko eh. And then this going to a night club naman. Honestly parang di ko na kilala asawa ko, haha. Parang may ibang side sya na di ko alam. At para akong ewan na kapag confrontation na iyak na lang ng iyak. I need to be sronger kaya thank you at may ganitong forum for women like me na confused at need ng advice.

[TomHansen]

^ ganun naman mga lokong lalaki ibabalik pa sayo yung galit para lang mapagtakpan or maiba yung issue. Wag mong isipin na magagalit siya dahil binasa mo chat niya, kasalanan niya di niya nilockscreen hehe, at maliit na bagay lang yun compare sa mga ginawa niya.. And it doesn't matter if para sa kanya hindi cheating mga ginagawa niya dahil ikaw ang asawa at ikaw ang naaapektuhan - if para sa iyo cheating ginagawa niya cheating yun.. Kung ako tatanungin cheating mga yun ang magsasabi lang ng hindi is yung mga cheaters din na gumagawa nun..

Hmm sa tingin ko diretsuhin mo na agad siya sa feelings mo sa mga ginawa niya para bago ka pa umiyak nailabas mo na pinakaimportante mong sasabihin.. Kapag nagdahilan na naman siya na di cheating yun or shallow lang sabihin mo "NO!!", na di na pwede BS reasons niya. Hindi mo kailangang ipaliwanag sa kanya na cheating ginawa niya because for you it is at kailangan niyang tigilan pagiging unfaithful niya. Ipaintindi mo rin sa kanya na every time nagccheat siya sa iyo nagccheat din siya sa anak niyo.

[Ann_2128]

I just recently discovered that my husband did it again - paying for sex (gustong gusto nya yung mga estudyanteng binubugaw) . Two years ago he was involved in the same activity for almost 1 year - di sya tumigil kahit alam nyang alam ko na. kahit ilang beses ko na syang nahuli.. Its a cycle..mahuhuli..hihingi ng tawad..titigil.. then babalik ulit sa dati. Everytime na nahuhuli ko sya parang napaka among tupa.. Lahat ng pngako ginagawa.. Minsan naiisip ko.. manhid na yata ako sa mga ginagawa nya.. pero nandun pa rin ang sakit. sabi nya, wala naman daw involve na feelings yun..kasi kami naman daw ng mga anak nya ang mahal nya at ayaw nya kaming mawala. Nakakasawa na rin minsan.. kung di lang mga anak ko..matagal ko na syang iniwan. Ngayon, nagmamakaawa na naman sya ng bigyan ko na naman sya ng another chance at talagang di na daw nya uulitin... Hanggan kelan ba dapat tayong magpatawad?

[Lady.Doloroso]

I just recently discovered that my husband did it again - paying for sex (gustong gusto nya yung mga estudyanteng binubugaw) . Two years ago he was involved in the same activity for almost 1 year - di sya tumigil kahit alam nyang alam ko na. kahit ilang beses ko na syang nahuli.. Its a cycle..mahuhuli..hihingi ng tawad..titigil.. then babalik ulit sa dati. Everytime na nahuhuli ko sya parang napaka among tupa.. Lahat ng pngako ginagawa.. Minsan naiisip ko.. manhid na yata ako sa mga ginagawa nya.. pero nandun pa rin ang sakit. sabi nya, wala naman daw involve na feelings yun..kasi kami naman daw ng mga anak nya ang mahal nya at ayaw nya kaming mawala. Nakakasawa na rin minsan.. kung di lang mga anak ko..matagal ko na syang iniwan. Ngayon, nagmamakaawa na naman sya ng bigyan ko na naman sya ng another chance at talagang di na daw nya uulitin... Hanggan kelan ba dapat tayong magpatawad?

Kapag paulet ulet na, hindi mo na madistinguish kung pinapatawad mo pa nga ba siya or nagiging routine na lang sayo yung pangyayari. Kasi kahit anong pagmamahal mo sa isang tao, kapag paulit ulit na, magsasawa at mapapagod ka rin eh. Aside kasi sa panloloko or trust issues, mas masakit yung mas ginagawa ka pang t*nga. Yung inaabuso ka na, kasi alam nila na mapapatawad mo sila. Siguro ako, pag dumating sa point na ganyan, hindi na ako magsasalita. May sense pa ba? Matatanda na tayo, alam na natin ang tama at mali. Pinili mo na naman yung mali, ano pang explanation ang kelangan dun.

[Girltalker2]

^^ sorry sis to hear your situation

Nakakainis mga lalaking paulit ulit. I don?t know what to say but I can sympathise. Sana Maging maayos lahat sa inyo. I remember praying hard when I was in that situation.

Pray lang sis and surrender everything to Him. Maging kayo or not, just pray to God, Hindi ka nya papabayaan.

[Shadow Angel]

^^dahil hindi ko kaya ang sobrang stress hindi ko kaya magbigay ng second chance sa cheating. Life is too short sis para mastress ka for a long term. Alam ko madaling sabihin pero ang solution lang talaga dyan iwan mo na.

[simang]

He that deceives me once, its his fault; but if twice, its my fault.

[glamorosa_09]

kahit ilang beses ko na syang nahuli.. Its a cycle..mahuhuli..hihingi ng tawad..titigil.. then babalik ulit sa dati.

Probably your instinct of self-preservation, wherein you protect yourself from harm, is no longer intact. Maybe it's no longer working before you get married (since childhood?), or nag wear and tear.

If you don't self-preserved, you can't put up healthy boundaries, and when you don't have boundaries, people -- in this case your husband -- will keep on violating you over and over again.

What I can suggest before you trust him again is to require him to be checked by a professional, baka may sex addiction. If he doesn't do anything about it, ikaw na bahala, because he's not gonna change. It's your choice naman whether to stay or leave.

[Awesomecakes]

Thanks everyone for your messages.
Please don't judge me if I chose to stay with my husband. Although I'll be honest, I don't know if I can still trust him again. What I know is - I want my family intact but I how can I do that if I'm too broken. I am still having nightmares. It's been years from the first time he cheated and half a year since he did it for the second time. I can see he's doing he's best to fix everything but I just feel like may kulang. Is it right ba to expect more from him to fix my insecurities? Like words of affirmation? or sex? I feel like hindi na siya attracted sakin lke the way he;s attracted to his ex. Ewan ko I'm just paranoid siguro.

I want to consult a doctor and maybe start from there. I tried going to CEFAM but it didn't work for me. I felt like I'm being forced to fix our marriage without fixing my self first. Or maybe it's just me who has a problem. I don't know. I'm so lost.

We're okay right now. Doing our own thing and usual routine as a family. We go out together, attend family gatherings, attend to our son's needs but I feel like may kulang parin.

[Lady.Doloroso]

Thanks everyone for your messages.
Please don't judge me if I chose to stay with my husband. Although I'll be honest, I don't know if I can still trust him again. What I know is - I want my family intact but I how can I do that if I'm too broken. I am still having nightmares. It's been years from the first time he cheated and half a year since he did it for the second time. I can see he's doing he's best to fix everything but I just feel like may kulang. Is it right ba to expect more from him to fix my insecurities? Like words of affirmation? or sex? I feel like hindi na siya attracted sakin lke the way he;s attracted to his ex. Ewan ko I'm just paranoid siguro.

I want to consult a doctor and maybe start from there. I tried going to CEFAM but it didn't work for me. I felt like I'm being forced to fix our marriage without fixing my self first. Or maybe it's just me who has a problem. I don't know. I'm so lost.

We're okay right now. Doing our own thing and usual routine as a family. We go out together, attend family gatherings, attend to our son's needs but I feel like may kulang parin.

Naiintindihan kita if you chose to stay. Nung time ko nga, wala pa kaming anak pero nandun din yung gustong gusto mo ipaglaban yung kasal kahit ramdam ko sa asawa k na ok lang kung tuluyan na akong humiwalay, but I didn't give up.

It takes time to be fully healed, pareho kayo magtutulungan. In my case, pinakita talaga sa akin ng asawa ko na wala na at nagbago na siya. Then, sa part ko naman kahit anong hirap binalik ko unti unti yung trust ko sa kanya, and I didn't look back. It's easier said than done but proven na workable.

That was 6 years ago at di pa naman umuulit. Kaya sana yung husband mo eh maging totoo na sayo para tuloy tuloy na rin paggaling mo.