Remember the song "Break Even" by The Script? That line that goes "'Cos when the heart breaks / no, it don't break even?" That's truth right there, because for sure in a breakup one person suffers more than the other.
According to psychologist Lauren Howe, the more you felt yourself grow in a relationship, the more likely you'll take the breakup personally. After a split, you'll probably think it was your fault: maybe you were too passive-aggressive or too reserved/loud/boring.
Obviously, thinking those things is the unhealthy way of dealing with a breakup. According to Howe, what's healthy is when you see rejection as something that just happens and not caused by a personal flaw. In her study, people who dealt with a breakup in a healthy way think "Sometimes girls are not interested. It's nothing to do with yourself, it's just that they're not interested." Or "I learned that two people can both be quality individuals, but that doesn't mean they belong together."
Another healthy way to deal with it is to think of it as an opportunity to grow, particularly citing what you've learned or gotten out of the split or rejection, like not expecting anything or learning the value and importance of open communication, or how to forgive.
But you can't just force yourself to believe, as in truly believe, that the breakup is for the best when you're bawling your eyes out every night because of the pain. You can't force yourself to believe that this certain trait of yours really didn't cause the breakup in the first place, not when your ex told you you're too possessive or controlling or toxic that's why he ended things.
If you believe that your personalities and traits are permanent, you'll really feel unwanted or undeserving of love. But if you believe that people's traits are something that can change, something people themselves can work on, you might still take the relationship hard, but not intensely, because you'll be focusing on your personal growth. And when you do achieve that improvement, you can think that your next relationship will finally be the one that lasts.
This story originally appeared on Cosmo.ph.
* Minor edits have been made by the Femalenetwork.com editors.