Have you ever found yourself falling in love with another man a few months (even weeks!) after breaking up with someone else? If you’ve ever experienced getting involved in a whirlwind romance post-breakup (and possibly getting engaged afterward like TV host Pia Guanio did), you might be worried that you’re just getting involved in a rebound relationship. A relationship on the rebound happens when one party or the other is still heavily invested in his or her past relationship. This can greatly influence your perception of your current one and may eventually lead to problems down the road—or even another breakup. If you’re having doubts about your relationship, read on for five indications that you’re with your guy on the rebound from your ex. Still, even if your relationship looks and feels like it’s on the rebound, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re bound for failure. We’ve also included some tips on dealing with that scenario.
1. PART OF YOU WANTS TO PROVE THAT YOUR EX DIDN’T “BREAK” YOU.
There might be a period of time after a breakup when you start blaming yourself for the end of your relationship. You feel nervous and unloved. You might find yourself thinking you’ll never find someone to love who’ll love you back. When this happens, you urgently yearn to be in a relationship again, not because you’ve fallen for someone else, but to prove to your ex (and, more importantly, to yourself) that you can make it without him and that you haven’t been emotionally scarred by your previous experiences. You might see your relationship with your new partner as a way of assuring yourself that life continues after breakups and that, just because your last one didn’t end well, it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person.
2. YOU FEEL LIKE HE GIVES YOU CONFIDENCE YOU WOULDN’T OTHERWISE HAVE AFTER THE BREAKUP.
You’re at your most vulnerable after a breakup, and this means you’re more likely to accept kind words and good will from another person. Traits that you would usually find incompatible with your own suddenly become pleasing, and you might easily mistake an affectionate friendship to mean you’ve fallen in love. Your new partner becomes your source of confidence, a crutch to help you deal with the injuries your heart and ego took from your breakup—instead of reflecting on and dealing with your breakup by yourself or with your family and friends, your new relationship becomes a happy distraction that minimizes the pain you’re experiencing from your breakup.
While this might be beneficial for you, it’s not fair or healthy for the guy you’re with, who may or may not appreciate his role as your emotional nursemaid. Worse, you may find that, once you’ve taken what you can from the situation, you will most likely end the relationship and hurt both of you in the process.
3. YOU’RE WITH HIM BECAUSE HE’S EVERYTHING YOUR EX IS NOT.
Comparing your ex and your new boo a few times is one thing, but if they’re complete opposites and you use their differences as your reason for choosing your current partner, then you might want to take a step back and reevaluate your relationship. It’s only natural to want to be in a better relationship, but if you use your last one as a basis for your new one, you will burden your new flame with high expectations and end up getting disappointed if he doesn’t deliver—he may just buckle under the load you’ve dumped on him, a load comprised of your and your ex’s emotional baggage. In the end, you will probably hurt him as well as yourself. Because you believe that he’s better than your ex, you will praise his good points, but you will also be more critical of his flaws. You might see him as your savior instead of your equal, something that will eventually weigh down on you both.
4. YOU MAKE IT A POINT TO DO THINGS YOUR EX DIDN’T LET YOU DO OR DO EXPERIENCE THINGS YOU DIDN’T GET TO IN YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIP.
On a similar note, it’s typical of people rebounding on a bad relationship to find themselves constantly thinking about their painful experiences in the past relationship. It is a sign that you haven’t moved on, especially if you allow the bitterness and pain in your heart to well up every time you recall something you did together. You might even find yourself using your old problems as a basis for what you want to do in your current relationship.
For example, if your ex didn’t allow you to go out with your friends, your newfound freedom with your present partner pushes you to go out with them every day to the point of neglecting your current guy, not because you want to, but just because you can. This shows just how much your past relationship still matters to you because it colors your future decisions. Again, this isn’t fair to him or to yourself, and you might find that the “adventures” you get into cause you more trouble later on.
5. THE LADY DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH—YOU FEEL THE NEED TO PROVE TO HIM THAT YOU’RE NOT ON THE REBOUND.
What if your partner has the same doubts about whether you’re with him on the rebound and tells you all about them? Do you find yourself protesting vehemently? Do you deny that your past relationship has any bearing on your current one at all, even to the point of being insulted by what he may or may not be implying? If you answer yes to the last two questions and start working hard to show him you’re not on the rebound, you probably are.
Life is a school of hard knocks, and you’ll often find that your greatest pain gives you the most wisdom. While it’s not fair to bring the baggage of your old relationship into your new one, this has still played a part in forging the person you are today, and you’ll most likely have learned quite a few lessons from previous attachments that you’ll apply in your new ones. The idea that your new relationship is perfect and absolutely untouched by other liaisons is an illusion, and if you buy into it, you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. The best way to prevent this from happening is to be open with your new partner. If, from the start, he is aware of the situation and any sore points you might still have, then both of you will be better equipped to enter a relationship—and deal with the issues that often come up as you get to know each other better.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE ON THE REBOUND--NOW WHAT?
Remember that every person’s situation is different, and the length of time for moving on varies from person to person. Plus, it’s not easy to tell when you’re “over” your ex or not; grief comes and goes, and even if your ex hasn’t died, you may still be grieving the loss of his presence from your life or even the relationship itself. You may think you’re over your ex, then catch a movie on TV that you enjoyed with him and suddenly miss him all over again. Recovering from a relationship is something taken in stages, and no one but you can determine how long each stage takes—even if this process is mostly unconscious on your part.
So just because you are experiencing some of the signs above, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re in a rebound relationship. If you find yourself ticking off two or more, though, it might be a good idea to take a good, long look at both your relationship and your current partner. Sitting down with your partner to discuss your relationship is just one step that will help you in the long run.
You should also note that rebound relationships can still blossom into true love. This can and does happen, but this comes after you are able to put your feelings of bitterness and “breakup blues” aside and appreciate your new guy for who he is as a person rather than how he measures up to your ex. Before either of you get too involved, be honest and give full disclosure about your past relationship and how much time you’ve had since the breakup. Tell him about your issues—he may even help you deal with them by calling your attention to certain behavior on your part. You’ll also have to establish a few ground rules for your relationship, even if it’s something like “When I do this, don’t freak out. Here’s the best way to deal with me when I get like this . . .”
For example, if your ex cheated on you, you might find yourself a little bit paranoid about your new guy. Telling him that this can happen will reassure him that the next time you start getting panicky over where he is and who he’s with, it’s most likely your insecurity rather than his own carelessness of your feeling that is triggering your words and actions. This will enable him to deal with you calmly and to try to help you recognize the problem for what it is.
Full disclosure is always very important—in this kind of relationship even more so than any other. Otherwise, entering into something that might just be a salve to your ego is not fair to him or yourself.
Want to read more articles about relationship breakups? Check these out on FN:
- Should I Stay or Should I Go?
- The Single Girl's Guide to Getting Over an Ex
- Kris Aquino on Love and Marriage: “Never again” + 5 Tips on Not Letting a Bad Breakup Make You Jaded
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(Photo by Raymond Brown via Flickr Creative Commons)
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