living with super negative parents

[swtgrl_bee]

^Totoo yan. Grabe ang hirap talaga sundin yang verse na yan. Tapos living in the Philippines where everyone is "religious kuno" will never undestand. 

Sis iluvescadasport, once nasita ako ng MIL ko about my father being an alcoholic. Hindi ko talaga napigilan at sinabi mga pinaggagawa ng Tatay ko sa buhay niya. Natulala nalang ang MIL ko eh. Ang hirap naman kasi ng i-broadcast mo sa lahat ang nangyayari di'ba? Too much energy is being wasted. Unless nalang mag press release ka siguro. lol 

[thebratinella]

^Totoo. Kaya one time may nabasa akong article about difficult parents. Sabi ko sa husband ko naiintindihan ko na bakit yung ibang tao choose to stay away. Hindi pala sila dapat i-judge na masamang anak. My husband could only agree because he's in the same situation. Honestly, I don't see myself visiting my father-in-law again. Nung one time na hinatid namin si mother-in-law sa bahay nila, nakita ko sumimangot nung nakita kami. Hindi na naulit na nagpakita kami. Iwas na lang sa gulo. Mag-1 year na rin that my husband and I don't talk to him. Ayaw siya makita ng daughter namin. Natakot kasi. Ikaw ba naman marinig mo na sabihan na papatayin daddy mo. Our daughter is only 8 years old. We told her not to tell my parents and my siblings about the incident last year. Muntikan na kasi mablurt out ng anak ko one time while we were eating dinner with my mother and brothers. Ayoko kasi isipin nila may something wrong sa father-in-law ko. Siyempre di naman mapagkakaila na may temper siya pero magrereflect kasi sa husband ko. Kahit sabihin na they're two different people, siyempre tatay niya pa rin yun.

[iluvescadasport]

Sa experience ko mas masarap magtravel with friends, my present bf and my siblings. Ok din kasama anak ko kaso tamad magpic. Gusto ko din naman talaga magtravel with my parents kasi i want them to see the world too pero nakakaimbey kapag may kasama kang killjoy. Atat na atat mag-aya umuwi or if you will ask them ano gusto kainin for example ang sagot bahala kayo, kapag nagdecide naman kami ng sis ko may reklamo sila. Hay.

yes, kakaimbey talaga! Para bang, tayo na nagmamagandang loob and willing to adjust for them, pero sila pa may comments. Iniisip ko na lang na iba yun palaki sa kanila ng parents. Unlike us where we know how to think and express for ourselves, sila dati wala naman ganyan. Tapos iwas na ako sa pagyaya sa kanila and I wholeheartedly accepted with no judgment towards them na wala talagang family outing or something sa amin.

Dun ko nga narealize na kahit sabi sa Bible na 'honor thy parents', ang hirap gawin lalo na if peace of mind, safety and sanity mo na nakasalalay. Sila mother-in-law and sister-in-law laging stressed yun eh dahil sa kanya. Hindi na lang nagsusumbong sa amin kasi siguro nahiya na rin. Dati tuwing may mga away sila with father-in-law, to the rescue yung husband ko. Mala-referee. Nainis nga ako kasi may times aalis sa office yung husband ko para lang magpunta sa bahay nila kasi nag-iiyak yung kapatid niya at sinakal daw ng tatay nila. Dati ang plan ni husband is to buy a house tapos kukuha din yung sister niya para magkatabi sila pero ako na nagdecide to get a house two towns away from them. Hindi naman sa masama ako ha pero kasi sila kasama ni sister-in-law. Ayoko dumating yung time na next-door neighbor ko si father-in-law at tinotorture niya kami.  Yung sister-in-law ko kasi single pa at mukhang no plans of getting married. Accepted niya na siya ang kasama ng parents nila kaya imagine if we buy houses na magkatabi. Naku.

Meron shinare kapatid ko tungkol sa "honor thy parents". Ang sabi niya, we should honor our parents because nasa 10 commandments yun. But, it doesn't mean na we should obey them. Parang honor na respect them as parents, but that doesn't mean na lahat ng pinapagawa nila ay dapat natin gawin lalo na if illegal or something. So pagka-intindi ko, parang president ng country yan. Kahit na ayaw natin sa president, we should still respect the person na siya ang president. Pero pag sinabi niya na patayin mga criminals, it doesn't mean na gagawin natin. Sorry if  medyo magulo explanation, pero yan ang naisip ko na comparison.

Ang ginagawa ko ngayon is respect them as parents. Grateful din ako dahil pinalaki nila ako without me worrying about finances. Pero I put boundaries like I don't go to vacation with my mom na kasi super toxic talaga nila. Or if sa fam biz, may pinapagawa na illegal (kahit na norm sa mga businesses), hindi ko gagawin.

[iluvescadasport]

^Totoo yan. Grabe ang hirap talaga sundin yang verse na yan. Tapos living in the Philippines where everyone is "religious kuno" will never undestand. 

Sis iluvescadasport, once nasita ako ng MIL ko about my father being an alcoholic. Hindi ko talaga napigilan at sinabi mga pinaggagawa ng Tatay ko sa buhay niya. Natulala nalang ang MIL ko eh. Ang hirap naman kasi ng i-broadcast mo sa lahat ang nangyayari di'ba? Too much energy is being wasted. Unless nalang mag press release ka siguro. lol 

Religous by label without comprehending what the verses are about, tapos kung magadvise sa mga tao, kala mo higher authority sila. Oo, tama too much energy is being wasted. Focus na lang tayo sa personal growth and everything will fall into place. Natawa ako sa press release haha

[ayi0119]

Not sure if this counts, but I just hate my mom.
 
Puro luho, puro gala, puro hingi. As if wala syang asawa. Tatawag ako sa bahay nila, dadalaw kami sa house nila, lagi syang wala. Pag magkakasama naman kami, puro phone ang inaatupag. Daig pa ang teenager! my gahd!! Mas importante pa sa kanya ang friends nya. Tapos pagkauwi ng bahay, ikaw pa mainit ang ulo? Wow ah! Walang lutong ulam, walang linis ng bahay, daig mo pa ang border na sustentado.

Kaya si daddy lagi na lang mainit ulo, dahil sa kanya! Mas ok pa na maghiwalay sila at lumayas na sya sa bahay namin. 

[iluvescadasport]

Not sure if this counts, but I just hate my mom.
 
Puro luho, puro gala, puro hingi. As if wala syang asawa. Tatawag ako sa bahay nila, dadalaw kami sa house nila, lagi syang wala. Pag magkakasama naman kami, puro phone ang inaatupag. Daig pa ang teenager! my gahd!! Mas importante pa sa kanya ang friends nya. Tapos pagkauwi ng bahay, ikaw pa mainit ang ulo? Wow ah! Walang lutong ulam, walang linis ng bahay, daig mo pa ang border na sustentado.

Kaya si daddy lagi na lang mainit ulo, dahil sa kanya! Mas ok pa na maghiwalay sila at lumayas na sya sa bahay namin. 

Sorry to hear what you are going through =( Please remember not to dwell in hate, makakasama yan sa iyo baka ma-affect sa relationships mo with other people. I believe your mom grew up in a situation that made her do what she is doing now. Why she doesn't try to change, hindi mo na control yan. I'm sharing an article about forgiveness:

http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/forgiveness-is-for-you-not-other-person.html

" Forgiveness is something that you do for you. Until you can forgive, you continue to carry around hurt, anger, hate, sorrow---all deep emotions that affect your body, the way you see yourself, the way you see other people, and the way you see your world. Not forgiving can keep you stuck in all of these emotions"

You might not want to read or consider the above article is strong pa rin hate mo towards your mom. But I do hope you save the link. I believe that the day will come na mas accept mo na to forgive and love her din =)

[Jiyongah]

So I have a bad relationship with my Dad. I don't talk to him that often even if we live together in the same house.  Laging nega lang sinasabi niya and he will always make you feel insignificant.

He is also one of the main reason why I have depression. Nakaka pagod na.

[Aftergl0w]

Yes young pa to have such behaviours.
And it?s gonna be worse once they reach 70s or 80s

I have to agree! My lola is in her 80s and lalong lumala ang ugali niya. Nobody wants to be around her.

[RobertWest]

I will also advice you to just move out.

[iluvescadasport]

This is to share my experience during the last quarter of 2018.  I started this thread early 2018, when I was so sure that I'm right, that I deserve to be understood as a human being, and that my parents are wrong. But since no parent school, accept na lang and ignore the issue.

But as my 2018 ended, I learned a lot. I learned to love my parents just for who they are. I learned to have compassion and care for them. I feel this time. Thinking and knowing are easy, I read a lot of resources that says I deserve better, that I'm worthy of a better life. Pero yun nga, my parents are my parents, walang parents school. It's not also good for me na hanggang "alam" ko lang. It is when I surrendered to faith and my feelings and accepted them for who they are. I applied compassion towards them, and love and care. I can't change them. This time around, hindi ko na inisip "sino ba tama, sino ba mali?". I just know in my heart that I love them kasi pinalaki naman nila ako ng mabuting tao. Iba lang way nila to show it to me. Acceptance and understanding on my part na lang. Gratitude, compassion and forgiveness meditation everyday. When I started to heal myself and forgive them for all the misunderstandings, it is when I felt my life began to shift. It is when I learned to change what is in me that my relationship with my parents started to shift also. It's not 100% perfect, but there is progress. I learned a lot about me also, how I do things and did things before because of my hatred towards them. But since healing process na ako, masnakkilala ko sarili ko and I get to actually live my life by making my own choices. I stopped blaming them for my 2x attempted suicide. At the end of the day, all my actions were because of my choices. It's my life, my choice, my responsibility.

I still plan to move out, but now it's because it's for my progress as a person, and not because I'm escaping the problems at home.

For those who are still struggling with their parents, the struggle will never end. It's always how we look at our situation. Be open to miracles. Have faith and take actions in changing what's in us. You'd be surprised on the results =)

Here is to a new year to us!

[barbramae]

I'm late to the party but here are my answers:

1. How did you confirm your suspicions na super negative talaga sila?

2. What activities are you doing to get through your everyday life as you still live with them?
3. What are you doing to get out of the situation? Or you have no plans in getting out of the situation?

[mrs.jack sparrow]

My mom is a pathological liar that had always cost us ruined relationships.
Now she did it again and im in big trouble and owe a lot of money for something has nothing to do with me. I really dont wanna talk to her anymore but im just trying to be calm and not disrespect because i dont wanna make my dad and sis feel bad. My other sis is all the way with me. We are the elders so we are hyper aware of how our mother?s character really is from the beginning.

[Jiyongah]

My dad did this one thing that I can't accept until now. I am still hurt by what he did to our family.

Instead of being sorry and be more open to changing himself, he is even more PROUD.

Like pinag mamalaki na pa niya sa mga relatives ko sa inuman and all. 

I tell you sissies there's nothing to be proud. As in ako kinahihiya ko siya at what he did.

[iluvescadasport]

I'm late to the party but here are my answers:

1. How did you confirm your suspicions na super negative talaga sila?

2. What activities are you doing to get through your everyday life as you still live with them?
3. What are you doing to get out of the situation? Or you have no plans in getting out of the situation?

I actually was able to answer my own questions narin. It has been more than 1 year since I started this thread, and the answer is so simple. It starts with me. I'm out of the victim mode phase, I stopped letting my circumstances affect me, and I just started loving myself. Ever since yan focus ko, ang simple lang grabe. A lot of bumps along the road, but I'm grateful I'm able to able love my parents for who they are. Grabe, 360 degree turn around talaga.

[Rory_Lorelie_Gilmore]

^Glad to hear that, I too, came to that realization, di lang sa parents ko but other toxic/negative/angry people as well, all of their issues are within themselves we have the liberty to protect ourselves from their anger/negativity.

[hisana]

So true. Constant exposure to toxic people will surely make you bitter yourself, so do not let them drag you down. Kung kailangan ng tough love or kailangan dumistansya or whatever, then so be it.

[J.warner]

Di ako nakaka relate bec I grew up without parents. But I lived with my auntie/uncle & their family until I was 17. Then I moved out- I became a working student. I didnt have to deal with family dramarama yun nga lang my eldest sibling is maaga nabuntis & nag asawa at pinag aral pa sa ateneo yung anak nya kaya dami nila loans ngayon sa kanya ako naiistress because kagabi lang nag ask pa ng allowance from me considering she is 6 years older than me with stable job (13 years in her current company now). Sabi ni hub unawain na lang.

[mysterioza_me]

^Yan ang hindi ko ma-gets sa tao. Naintindihan ko want to give the best for your kids pero maling-mali na yakapin mo yung isang bagay na di mo kaya. Like niyan nagpaaral sa Ateneo then puro utang. Sana graduating na ang anak niya para hindi na magtagal ang paghihirap nila.

May officemate din ako na ganyan before. Ipinipilit niya paaralin sa super mahal na school ang mga anak niya kasi gusto lang niya makipagsabayan din mga anak niya sa mga pamangkin niya. Kaso yung mga kapatid ni officemate naman ang halos magshoulder ng expenses kasi hingi and utang din ginagawa niya. Nung kinausap siya ng kapatid niya na ilipat sa mas murang private school nagalit pa siya, wala daw karapatan mga kapatid niya na diktahan - yes walang karapatan kung hindi sila nadadamay sa mga gastusin ni officemate.

[serpensortia]

Sobrang relate ako rito. Feeling ko ako ang nagsulat nung kay sis HAYLEELOVE. Sobrang painful to grow up with toxic parents no? Kasi, dapat sila yung kakampi mo. Supposedly, sila yung safe zone mo. Kaso for some, including us, it's the other way around. It doesn't help pa yung kapag nag-o-open up ka, idi-dismiss ka lang kasi nga it's your parents you're talking about. In Filipino culture, kesehodang iwan ka ng magulang mo sa lansangan, kapag nag-share ka ng pain mo, may magcocomment pa rin na "magulang mo pa rin yon!"  They don't know how painful it is when you don't feel at home in your own home. Di ko na alam kung saan ako pupunta kasi sa sarili kong bahay, I don't feel safe. Feeling ko, konting kibot ko, masisigawan ako. Malalait ako. Idadown ako. Pangarap ko talaga magkaroon ng sarili kong home someday. Dun, walang mangbe-belittle sa'kin. Walang maninigaw sa'kin. Walang lalait sa'kin.

It?s been two years since this thread was started. I hope everyone's healed, or at least in the process healing. Pero kung hindi, okay lang yun. Let's keep striving to finally achieve happiness and peace despite our negative roots. Good luck to all of us this 2020!

Please also include me in your prayers. I really wanna' move out so I'm dedicating this year to saving every peso I can save. I'm losing my mind living with my mom. All her useless negative energy gets to me.

[Shadow Angel]

^hoping na makabuo ka ng sariling pamilya na pangarap mo. Sobrang swerte ako sa buhay pamilya ko ngayon. Ang hirap talaga ng may negative parents lalo na physically and mental abuse pa ako. Sa totoo lang nakikipagusap lang ako sa kanila dahil sa obligasyon hindi dahil namimiss ko sila o mahal ko sila. Everytime natatawag ako wala ng magandang sinasabi. Until now nalalaman ko pa na tsismis pa nya ako. Sabagay expected ko na pinapahiya nya nga ako  sa harap ibang tao ano pa kaya pag hindi ako kaharap.