Author Topic: living with super negative parents  (Read 9121 times)

hazelbrown_eyes27

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #20 on: March 10, 2018, 09:53:36 pm »
I can relate to this! I know the feeling. Ako naman sa Mom din. When my Dad was still alive, may balance. He weigh things out.  Kaya lang my Dad is no longer around.Dad ko, ayaw kaming napapalo. Mom ko naman, mahilig mamalo! Mahilig mamu?3+@ if things does not go on her way. Dad ko never kami minura. I cant recall how many times na ako na physical and Verbal abuse. Offending siya magsalita. Mas mabait pa nga siya sa ibang tao eh! Kung anong ikina Negatron ng nanay ko, natatapatan ng pagka positive ng Dad ko.Toxic ika nga nanay ko. Tsaka mga comments niya uber nega.  And, yes. Nakaka hawa ang negativity. Nakakasakit talaga! Pero siya wala kang karapatan sabihan siya.. ? eh ano?! Totoo naman! Bahala ka pigilan bunganga ko!?  Kaya kadalasan.. nahihiya akong kasama siya. Nung nag break kami ng ex ko. Sinabihan pa ako niyan ng ? bakit walang nag seseryoso sa iyo?  Walang nag tototoo sa iyo?!? Di ba?  She?s the type of mother na mahirap mahalin. Eversince gradeschool pa ako. Di na maganda experience ko sa nanay ko. Kaya ngayon, pag hinahawakan niya ako for support kasi senior na siya eh. I cringe sa mga hawak niya. Ayoko ng hinahawakan niya ako. Na aasociate ko ata hawak niya sa pananakit, pananampal, pang uuntog, pagpapalo.( tsinelas, walis tingting, tambo, dustpan, kamay, sinturon) sapak.. sabunot?!  Naranasan ko yan lahat sa kanya. Kaya ngayon.. I hate being held by her. I dont feel comfortable. Inaalis ko hawak niya. But, can she blame me?! Na instill na niya sa akin ang mga masasakit na ginawa niya. Physically and verbally.  Sa iba naman pag hinahawakan ako, di naman ako naaasiwa, Sa kanya lang. Until now nga instead of thanking me for cleaning up the house.. tapos di niya makita ang mga tissue niya na tinabi ko lang naman. Mamumu?3+a na naman.  Dahilan niya sa pamumu?e+a niya kasi nagagalit lang daw siya. For as small reason na pwede naman itanong saan ko nilagay ang tissue. Kailangan mag salita ng ganun?!  Kinausap namin siya na the reason na wala kaming gana siya asikasuhin kasi they way she is treating us. Kami na nag aasikaso sa kanya. Di pa maganda ang trato niya sa amin.  Para kaming di mga anak. Parang caregiver. Sabi ng iba.. ? nanay niyo pa rin yan.. ? yes. Pero, anak pa rin niya kami. Kung ayaw niya kaming itrato as her children,  itrato na lang kami as a person. Even when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. Sinasabihan ako niya ng ? di bagay ang mahaba ang buhok sa iyo, buti sana kung maganda mukha mo. Sa magaganda lang nababagay ang magpahaba ang buhok.? Mamahalin mo ba ang ganyang nanay?!  Ako, sorry...pero pinag titiisan ko lang siya. Iam not even caring when it comes to her. Kapatid na lalake ko ang umaalalay sa kanya.  Mas maalaga pa ako sa aso kong may sakit. I find it really hard to love her.
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HAYLEELOVE

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #21 on: March 15, 2018, 06:07:13 am »
^Oh I am sorry sis for your pain. Reminds me lang kanina yung lola ko nagkwento about yung kakilala niya. Yung tatay (nung kakilala niya) kasi nila sobrang tindi kung manapak sa anak niya nung kalakasan pa niya. As in he physically/verbally hits and abused his daughters and sons. Pangit daw ugali talaga. So maraming mga negative effects sa mga anak. Now that he is bedridden and old, pag lasing daw yung isang lalakeng anak niya, minsan pinagdidiskitahan. Pinapalo or minsan daw sinasapak yung tatay. I don't know what to think. Pero I can't blame yung guy, if he has been traumatized and exposed to such cruel environment, mentally he won't be able to distinguish his relationship with his father. I am not saying na ganun ka, pero I somewhat understand your feelings about your mother. Mental anguish, torture and pain can somehow diminish love and respect to your biological parents. Siguro ganun din ang kinalakihan ng mama mo, so naitransfer lang niya sa iyo yung culture niya.

hazelbrown_eyes27

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #22 on: March 15, 2018, 08:28:19 am »
^ Thanks sis. Kaya minsan, naguguilty rin ako dito na yes, I know. Napapansin ko rin sarili ko na nagiging nega din ako. Kaunting bagay. Umiinit ulo ko. Ayoko naman talaga. Pero, I guess. Naaabsorb ko lang talaga negativity dito sa bahay.  I would rather be outside. Ayoko kasama nanay ko. I cringe sa mga hawak ng nanay ko. Kahit support kasi sa balance niya. Pero, talagang ayoko ng mga touch niya. I hate the feeling.  Nung kalakasan niya she uses her hands sa pananakit sa akin. Ngayon, hahawak hawak siya sa akin kasi natutumba siya . Hahawak siya sa taong ginagamitan niya ng kamay niya same hands na pang hampas niya sa akin. Di ko talaga mapigilan talaga na alisin hawak niya sa akin. Its a psychological thing. Di mo naman talaga gusto mahawakan ang taong ayaw mo di ba? Lalo na yung humahawak sa iyo di magaganda ang mga sinasabi sa iyo. Tapos ngayon, sa iyo siya nakakapit.Torture!!
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iluvescadasport

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #23 on: March 17, 2018, 08:55:15 pm »
^Sorry to hear that sis =( Hirap talaga mga ganyan na challenges sa buhay natin. If there's something I learned from my similar experience, it's that we should always remember to have respect for ourselves, no matter what others are telling us or no matter what the society think is the norm.

Yes, tama nga na magulang natin sila, pero hindi naman pwede na abusuhin lang tayo. I'm not saying na pick a fight with your mom and prove your point. Don't bother explaining kasi they have a different mindset. It's hard to explain your side to people whose level perception is different from yours. But, what I would like to suggest is for you to realize and accept whole heartedly that your feelings are valid. Don't feel guilty or ashamed. If religious ka, pray na lang for God to help you. If hindi naman, meditation is a big help. Or, try others (meron daw mga different kind of healing) that will help you deal with that hurt and pain.
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freshpicks

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #24 on: March 19, 2018, 11:21:17 pm »
hazelbrown_eyes27 - so sorry to hear about your experience sis. While reading your post, naffeel ko yung negativity and the trauma you might have with your mom. Gaya nga ng sinabi ni @iluveescadasport, pray or meditate. Miracles still do happen. I've heard many stories of people who changed. But then again, gaya ng sinasabi nila, hindi natin napipili ang magulang natin. One way to look at it is that everything happens for a reason - maybe to teach you a lesson, maybe to help you NOT be like, them, etc. It's hard to control other people's behavior, it's even harder to expect people to change. The only thing we can really change is ourselves.... But in order to have that holistic "good health", the environment does play an important factor. I do volunteer work as facilitator for a drug rehab program and it's very sad knowing the environments these people live in. Parang nararamdaman ko ang hirap for them to change and reform their lives considering the temptations and negativities around them. Siguro parang ganun din ang feeling niyo :( How will you remain positive and be "different" when the environment is like that... there was a case where one young criminal was sent to rehab in the province kung saan tahimik, etc. Kahit na tapos na yung term niya doon, ayaw pa niya bumalik dahil nag-iipon siya ng lakas. I understand... It's hard to fight the day to day toxic environment... Bago mo malabanan yan, kailangan panloob sa sarili mo, matatag ka, sigurado ka sa gusto mo, alam mo kung sino ka, etc. Kasi kung hindi, madali kang madadala sa agos. I salute you ladies for keeping up with all these daily stresses. It's tough. But know and believe that you are tougher :)
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hazelbrown_eyes27

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #25 on: March 20, 2018, 04:40:00 am »
iluvescadasport &Freshpicks- Thanks Sissies!:)  I feel minsan dito lang ako nakakafeel ng mag rant. ( Some, yes. Maybe thinks masyado akong nega sa mga posts ko.) alam ko naman yun. Pero, what to do? Even my sister and brother does not want to listen? Eh, paborito sila ng nanay ko eh! Kaya ayaw nila maniwala. They never experienced whatever pain that I experienced sa mom namin. Paano nga ba nila maiintindihan if never naman nila naranasan? So, who do I really turn to? Wala di ba? Sasabihin nila ? sinisiraan mo lang si mama?  when sa akin.. its a cry for help!  May mga kapatid ka nga, wala ka naman makausap about this. So, saan ako pupunta? Sa ibang tao di ba?  I think I have a toxic and narcissistic mother. Pag nandito mga kapatid ko, nag susumbong siya sa kanila na para bang siya ang biktima.when, siya ang nambibiktima. Always feeling the victim. Akala mo, aping api!  Ayaw niya kaming mag work, kasi we work with our cousin sa HK. Sa shipping business niya. Ayaw niya na mag sabay kami na andoon. Kasi DAPAT daw may kasama siya. I look forward naman pag tinatawag ako for work. Freedom is what I feel pag andoon ako. Di ko nakikita nanay ko. I love NOT seeing her.1 month? Make it 2 months! Kung pwede lang gawin  mo na akong HK resident!  Di na ako uuwi!  Tuluyan ko na di kikitain nanay ko!  Pag andoon ako.. I dont call home. I dont even miss her!  I love being there!  Ngayon, di pa ako tinatawag.  Aso ko lang naman ang reason ko, bakit umuuwi pa ako. Just my dogs. PERIOD! I would text my brother kumusta na mga aso ko, but.. never ko kinukumusta nanay ko.  Ganun ako kawalang pake na.

 Ako, oo, gusto ko mag bago. I want to be positive. I wanted to live in a positive environment. Pero, I really find it hard. When you have an ultra negative Mother na kasama sa bahay. Mentally, verbally and physically  battered ka. Paano? Very offensive mom, minsan gusto ko na lang sumama if magkaroon ako ng bf to go live with him.( with my dogs!)  para na lang maka alis! Para na lang maisalba ko ba ang natitirang katinuan ko pa. Bago ako mabaliw. Well, ika nga nila ?NOT all Women, who gives birth is a Mother? totoo! 

Ngayon, she would threaten us.( my remaining younger brother) na gusto na daw siya ? iadopt? ng kuya namin. Bahala na daw kami sa buhay namin! Hello!! You prevented us from having a job for ourselves! Tapos sasabihin mo ? sasama na ako kina Kuya, bahala na kayo sa mga buhay niyo!?  Anong klaseng nanay yan!  Napaka selfish!  Yun pala eh, you can stay sa Ate and Kuya. So, why do you need us to stay here with you and NOT have a job? Ano? Caregivers mo kami? Ang lakas ng loob iwan kami kasi ano?  Matapos na pigilan niya na kami na wag mag work ng sabay para may makasama siya? Ngayon.. ? bahala kayo sa buhay niyo?!?    Kasi she knows na wala kaming makakapitan kasi wala kaming pera, dahil din sa kanya.. ayaw ata kami magka work, para hawak kami sa leeg? If I were to choose, Id rather not to be born. Kung ganito lang naman kami magiging? With her as OUR mom? Pwede bang wag mo na lang kaming ilabas sa mundo?
« Last Edit: March 20, 2018, 05:09:41 am by hazelbrown_eyes27 »
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hazelbrown_eyes27

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #26 on: March 20, 2018, 05:14:18 am »
 Sissies, maybe we should have a meet up. We should empower each other. We are NOT what others say or think we are. We are strong ladies!  You are a good person. We are all good people. If our own parents cant see it, Iam sorry. But, we all are GREAT!
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mysterioza_me

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #27 on: March 20, 2018, 05:39:53 am »
Hindi ba option to move out of para iwas negativity? Stress can be depressing and deadly.
If a girl understands your b******t, stick through your mistakes, smiles even when you've done nothing for her , it's obvious she's a keeper. But it's also obVious that you don't deserve her...

hazelbrown_eyes27

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #28 on: March 20, 2018, 09:33:23 am »
Sis mysteriosa_me- option siya girl, pero ang gusto ata mangyari ng nanay ko eh, alisan kami ng trabaho para tali kami sa kanya. Sinabi niya yan sa mga kapatid namin. ? di pwedeng pagsabayin yung 2, dapat may kasama ako? sinabi rin sa pinsan namin na wag kami kunin ng sabay.  Kailangan daw siya ang priority!  Kung buhay nga lang sister ng Dad ko na walang anak eh! Nagpa adopt na ako dati pa sana!

Tsaka take advantage siya na dito kasi sa atin di ba? Pag iniwan mo nanay mo. Sasabihin ? ingrata? ? walang utang na loob? ka sa nanay mo na nag luwal at nagpalaki sa iyo?! ? pag iniwan namin siya, yan ang pag sasabi niya! Or sasasabihin niya ? pinalayas siya ng mga anak niya?  Best actress nanay ko. Eh, eto nga lang sis na nag papa alam naman ako pag lalabas ako to eat. Ang palabas na sa kuya ko.. ? di nag papaalam si Hazel, bigla na lang nawawala. Tawag ako ng tawag dito, walang bumababa. Yun pala , umalis! Di nag paalam?  ibang klase!!
« Last Edit: March 20, 2018, 09:44:24 am by hazelbrown_eyes27 »
Dont even bother explaining! I cant believe you.

mysterioza_me

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #29 on: March 20, 2018, 10:56:39 am »
^Siguro kung ako dedma na ako kung anong sasabihin ng ibang tao kasi di nila alam anong nangyayari sa pamamahay namin. Kesa mamatay ako sa stress. Kung gusto nila sila tumira sa bahay kung. Ang mahirap lang sis e kontrolado din pala niya pati work ninyo kaya di kayo makapagdecide to separate. Siguro kung kaya naman na magsarili or maghanap ng new job ganun nalang gawin. Kausapin mo mga kapatid mo. Kung ayaw maniwala sila kamo ang makipisan sa nanay ninyo.
If a girl understands your b******t, stick through your mistakes, smiles even when you've done nothing for her , it's obvious she's a keeper. But it's also obVious that you don't deserve her...

LABYU

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #30 on: March 20, 2018, 05:58:20 pm »
Na-si stress din ako sa parents ko na super at ubod ng nega pati tuloy ako nadadamay. Move out is the best thing you can do, but I can't do this because I am the bread winner :( of my family haay  :( :'( nakaipon na sana ng malaki laki kaya lang dun napupunta, sad life talaga
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10:15 AM - December 1, 2017

glamorosa_09

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #31 on: March 20, 2018, 09:08:31 pm »
Some of your experiences remind me on the learned helplessness experiment on dogs which was applied to social problems.

There was a group of dogs that were electrified and were conditioned that they couldn't control the electric shock nor escape it. They were then put in a box with two compartments. If the first compartment was electrified, they could have easily jumped to the other safer compartment (like what the other non-conditioned dogs did). But for these dogs who were conditioned, they just stayed on the electrified compartment -- enduring the shock, waiting for the experimenter to turn the shock off. You can read it here https://www.macmillanlearning.com/catalog/static/worth/bloom/content/psychquest/05/0504.htm. Quoting from that website, "Seligman (the experimenter) concluded that the conditioned dogs had learned that they could not escape or avoid the shocks; that is, they had learned that they were helpless and that the shocks were uncontrollable. A behavior called learned helplessness."

Nakakapanlumos di ba, especially if you're a dog lover. This can happen to humans too, not because they can be subjected to this experiment (it's unethical!), but the conditioning that they had came from abusive parents, whose abuse are out of the child's control and prediction.
These parents who should have provided you with love and comfort. So yes, the learned helplessness is applicable to some situations here.

For instance, you've been in an abusive environment since infancy to early childhood, to adolescence. And when you're an adult already, you could escape, but the learning that you had while growing up was already ingrained in you. The challenge is how to break free from that learned helplessness. It may require work, hindi lang basta pep talk, na you can do it! go! believe in yourself! If you are injured, you need to be healed and attain some level of health. Learning/conditioning is just one way to look or explain this type of situation. May physiological effects pa ang emotional and physical abuse.

Sobrang hirap nito... but healing is possible.

Quote from: hazel
, minsan gusto ko na lang sumama if magkaroon ako ng bf to go live with him.( with my dogs!)  para na lang maka alis!

Ang nakakapangamba lang, na nangyayari sa iba, eh yung lalaking napuppuntahan nila ay abusive of some sort din. You escaped the abuse only to be abused again. As they say, predators can smell their prey. Not to scare anyone, but just describing. At para maging maingat na rin.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2018, 09:29:25 am by glamorosa_09 »

hisana

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #32 on: March 20, 2018, 10:40:05 pm »
Ngayon ko lang nabasa itong thread na ito, but recently I posted sa growing old thread na one of my fears is yung maging bitter/nega ako about life sa pagtanda because of traumas and heartaches that never heal. Pansin ko kasi I used to have a great life when I was younger, but now I feel like I'm on a downward path. Hindi din naman ako bubbly or positive person to begin with, pero di pa naman ako nega pa talaga. Pero iniisip ko paano na in 20 or 30 years if I continue like this. Wala lang, naiimagine ko na baka maging kagaya ako ng ibang parents nyo dito.

hazelbrown_eyes27

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #33 on: March 21, 2018, 12:32:48 am »
Yes, sis mysterioza_me, for now, iam scouting for another work at home job. I feel I need to get out of this toxic life! My sibs doesnt believe me kasi sila ang paborito eh.. for my mom, sila ang nasa PEDESTAL!

Sis glamorosa_09  may point ka. Tama ka naman doon. Napaisip ako. Tama ka. Baka I might escape an abuse, only to enter to another one. Pero that time, parang sa sobrang di na ako makahinga, gusto ko na lang makawala.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2018, 12:44:23 am by hazelbrown_eyes27 »
Dont even bother explaining! I cant believe you.

mysterioza_me

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #34 on: March 21, 2018, 01:39:10 am »
I feel I need to get out of this toxic life!

You really have to sis kasi apektado ka na as a person. You are not happy and nagrereflect yun sa mga posts mo. Parang wala kang nakikita to be thankful for kasi natabunan na ng hatred mo hindi malayo na darating ang panahon yung ugali ng mom mo makuha mo na and other people or baka maski anak mo hate ka din.
If a girl understands your b******t, stick through your mistakes, smiles even when you've done nothing for her , it's obvious she's a keeper. But it's also obVious that you don't deserve her...

Rory_Lorelie_Gilmore

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #35 on: March 21, 2018, 03:50:17 pm »

You really have to sis kasi apektado ka na as a person. You are not happy and nagrereflect yun sa mga posts mo. Parang wala kang nakikita to be thankful for kasi natabunan na ng hatred mo hindi malayo na darating ang panahon yung ugali ng mom mo makuha mo na and other people or baka maski anak mo hate ka din.

Ditto!

glamorosa_09

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #36 on: March 21, 2018, 08:19:42 pm »
It would be good kung kaya umalis as soon as possible. That would be the most logical thing to do. But sometimes practically speaking (e.g., financial independence, life skills) and psychologically speaking (e.g., self-esteem, belief in one's capability and independence) hindi pa ready. Pero kung kaya, go go go, the sooner the better.

Pero kung hindi pa kaya, palakas ka muna sis. Do something that could help you heal and develop yourself further. Okay yung ginagawa ni sis iluvescada, she consulted/is consulting with a psychotherapist. Okay din yung suggestion nya to build a support group para sa inyo.

Maganda yun, build kayo ng support group. I have two books on how to heal from mean/unloving mothers. Pwede kayo magbook club, share what struck you the most, mga reflections. Ala-group therapy na rin. Mag goal setting kayo (e.g., to live independently, find a work). PM me if you're interested and I'll share the ebooks.

If budget is not an issue, have an on-going session with a psychotherapist. Try Betterhelp or yung centers dito sa Pinas. Makakatulong ito cognitively and emotionally. It will raise your self-awareness, identify your irrational thoughts, and provide you with strategies (e.g., CBT, mindfulness).

 More importantly, the supportive and caring relationship you will have with your therapist is a healing factor. Kasi you will be able to experience how to be valued and emphatized, something na hindi mo naranasan with the important authority figures in your life. It was relationship that broke you, it will also be relationship that can heal you.

Now this caring relationship will be your model on how to love and care for yourself. At dun mo rin iko-compare how potential partners will treat you. If your psychotherapist valued your ability, ginaya mo sa sarili mo, and the guy you're dating made you look down on your ability, then magtanong ka na.

You can also attend self-healing and self development seminars like Flex of OCCI and RCW. I think participants at Flex not only were processed but they were able to build peer attachments with each other. May goal settings din sila. The others were able to put up businesses of their own.

If budget is an issue, then a religious nun (huwag pari, baka ma in-love ka pa sa pari) or elderly na caring can make a difference too. Wala nga lang syempreng psychological interventions, but the caring relationship you will receive is what matters. Yung iba kasi isang parent lang ang abusive, the other is caring na, or may aunty, and other caring authority figures. So iba rin ang development nila compared sa very minimal or wala talaga relationship with caring adults.

O kaya attend ka ng The Feast. There maybe one near you. They give inspirational talks, for free. Religious yan.

On the practical side naman, kung medyo kaya-kaya mo na, hanap ka ng work... Build your area of competency... Mga ganun...
« Last Edit: March 21, 2018, 08:57:07 pm by glamorosa_09 »

iluvescadasport

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #37 on: March 21, 2018, 09:35:58 pm »
iluvescadasport &Freshpicks- Thanks Sissies!:)  I feel minsan dito lang ako nakakafeel ng mag rant. ( Some, yes. Maybe thinks masyado akong nega sa mga posts ko.) alam ko naman yun. Pero, what to do? Even my sister and brother does not want to listen? Eh, paborito sila ng nanay ko eh! Kaya ayaw nila maniwala. They never experienced whatever pain that I experienced sa mom namin. Paano nga ba nila maiintindihan if never naman nila naranasan? So, who do I really turn to? Wala di ba? Sasabihin nila ? sinisiraan mo lang si mama?  when sa akin.. its a cry for help!  May mga kapatid ka nga, wala ka naman makausap about this. So, saan ako pupunta? Sa ibang tao di ba?  I think I have a toxic and narcissistic mother. Pag nandito mga kapatid ko, nag susumbong siya sa kanila na para bang siya ang biktima.when, siya ang nambibiktima. Always feeling the victim. Akala mo, aping api!  Ayaw niya kaming mag work, kasi we work with our cousin sa HK. Sa shipping business niya. Ayaw niya na mag sabay kami na andoon. Kasi DAPAT daw may kasama siya. I look forward naman pag tinatawag ako for work. Freedom is what I feel pag andoon ako. Di ko nakikita nanay ko. I love NOT seeing her.1 month? Make it 2 months! Kung pwede lang gawin  mo na akong HK resident!  Di na ako uuwi!  Tuluyan ko na di kikitain nanay ko!  Pag andoon ako.. I dont call home. I dont even miss her!  I love being there!  Ngayon, di pa ako tinatawag.  Aso ko lang naman ang reason ko, bakit umuuwi pa ako. Just my dogs. PERIOD! I would text my brother kumusta na mga aso ko, but.. never ko kinukumusta nanay ko.  Ganun ako kawalang pake na.

 Ako, oo, gusto ko mag bago. I want to be positive. I wanted to live in a positive environment. Pero, I really find it hard. When you have an ultra negative Mother na kasama sa bahay. Mentally, verbally and physically  battered ka. Paano? Very offensive mom, minsan gusto ko na lang sumama if magkaroon ako ng bf to go live with him.( with my dogs!)  para na lang maka alis! Para na lang maisalba ko ba ang natitirang katinuan ko pa. Bago ako mabaliw. Well, ika nga nila ?NOT all Women, who gives birth is a Mother? totoo! 

Ngayon, she would threaten us.( my remaining younger brother) na gusto na daw siya ? iadopt? ng kuya namin. Bahala na daw kami sa buhay namin! Hello!! You prevented us from having a job for ourselves! Tapos sasabihin mo ? sasama na ako kina Kuya, bahala na kayo sa mga buhay niyo!?  Anong klaseng nanay yan!  Napaka selfish!  Yun pala eh, you can stay sa Ate and Kuya. So, why do you need us to stay here with you and NOT have a job? Ano? Caregivers mo kami? Ang lakas ng loob iwan kami kasi ano?  Matapos na pigilan niya na kami na wag mag work ng sabay para may makasama siya? Ngayon.. ? bahala kayo sa buhay niyo?!?    Kasi she knows na wala kaming makakapitan kasi wala kaming pera, dahil din sa kanya.. ayaw ata kami magka work, para hawak kami sa leeg? If I were to choose, Id rather not to be born. Kung ganito lang naman kami magiging? With her as OUR mom? Pwede bang wag mo na lang kaming ilabas sa mundo?

People in our situation can't really help but rant. But that shouldn't be an excuse for us to be stuck on that kind of stage. Yes, super hirap gawin kasi yan yun stage na feel natin ranting is the only way for us to release our stress,anger, pain etc. Feel natin parang no hope na talaga, parang no chocie na tayo but be stuck sa environment natin, figuratively and literally. But remember, we always have a choice. We can decide to accept our situation or decide to make changes.

My advice is try to figure out what's stopping you from moving forward and taking care of yourself. Is it you don't know the next step? Is it that even if after all the bad things your mom did to you, you still love her (feel ko you still do, kasi if hindi, you'll be out of the house in no time)? is it you don't know how to live by yourself? Is it the utilities expenses that you don't have to pay (ako yan! haha)? Is it deep down inside, worried ka din sa mom mo if you leave the house kasi your siblings don't really take care of her? IS it you don't know what is your purpose in life? Is it you aren't financially capable to have your own lodging yet? Etc.... The reason I'm asking (hindi mo naman kailangan sagutin in public hehe pero answer it for yourself) is it's easier for you to move on and do the next step if you know the reason. I recently went for theta healing (hindi ko na natuloy psychiatrist ko haha), and yan din yun tinanong sa akin which helped (I hope it will help din sayo). Aside from having not enough money yet to have my own lodging, the therapist kept on asking me bakit ako nagrarant and naiinis sa parents ko considering the complaints coming out from their mouth are just words. Kung siya magsabi sa akin nun, maiinis ba ako? No. So hahanapin mo talaga yun root cause why you are feeling that way and it'll be more manageable for you to handle your situation (as long as you are willing to take massive actions). Pansin ko kasi, even if we get out of our current nega situation, if we don't resolve our real issues, walang mangyayari. Even if you move out with your dogs and no more contact sa mom mo, hindi ka parin magiging at peace and that feeling will haunt you.

Share ko experience ko in the simplest way, hopefully it can help you. Similar case tayo, negative din parents ko. And meron traits ng pagiging toxic and narcissist. Nung napuno na ako, I decided to move out someday kapag meron na enough money. I bombarded myself with positive affirmations, motivational quotes everyday para hindi na ako mahawa sa kanila. I started reading self dev't books. I enrolled sa OCCI leap, attended financial seminars, stock trading seminars, became a morning person para mas magaan feeling, attended workout sessions. Feel ko I'm making progress. Pero deep down, hindi pa rin ako maka-move on, yun parang no closure kasi hindi ko alam root cause ng pain/anger/hurt ko towards my parents and bakit umabot ng ganyan. Kapag emotions na kasi, ang hirap i-pinpoint. To make the story short, after 1 session ng theta healing (I'm not promoting this, I'm just trying this kasi na0try ng friend ko and gumana sa kanya. Sa akin hindi ko pa nakikita yun effect masyado), I have one theory on the root cause. Feel ko it's because I have utang na loob sa parents ko. Siguro sa kakarinig ng kwento nila about how they did everything for their own parents kasi their parents are really good people, I should do that same din. So since I have that belief ever since I was a kid, yan ginawa ko. Lahat ng decisions ko, parents ko priority, whatever satisfies them is the priority. When I try to make my own decision (kahit kulay lang ng damit na gusto ko) and ayaw ng mom ko, ayaw ko na rin. Because of that utang na loob, I feel guilty if I don't fulfill that. And because I don't want to feel guilty, ginagawa ko lahat for them, kahit labag na sa kalooban ko and values ko. I can't even express my opinions kasi mamaliitin lang nila kasi iba culture nila. So lahat ng emotions ko natago ko lang, to the point naging hurt/anger/pain. I don't know if that is the real cause, but ever since naisip ko yan theory, mas gumaan ng kaunti yun emotions ko. Parang nabawasan yu mabigat na feeling. Everyday I remind myself that I am me, I am my mom's daughter but I'm not my mom, I am my dad's daugher but I'm not my dad, and that I should respect myself well enough to prioritize and invest in developing myself.

Ayun, sana makahelp experience ko sayo. Suggest ko din, don't open up to your siblings na if hindi naman sila open minded and lagi mag-side sa mom mo. Yes, nakakainis kasi siblings should be supportive. Pero accept the reality na ganyan talaga sila. PAgdasal mo na lang sila. We can't change people if they aren't open to changes. Also, try to analyze (kahit mahirap gawin, pero this really helps) how your mom was brought up. Baka ganyan turing sa kanya ng parents nya kaya ganyan siya. OR yan yun belief niya. Kahit na may mental disorder siya, it still has a root cause. Tayo as anak, all we can do is love them as parents. Diba ang true love is asking nothing in return? Ayun, hirap gawin pero kaya natin. We can love them but we don't have to expect to be like them. Ang relationship ko sa parents ko ngayon, I understood where the came from naman. But I decided that it won't stop me from being a better me. Ang daming magagandang options on how to live a better life, and I refuse to use the same road that my parents took. I don't share what I'm doing na with them. I don't even talk to them unless kailangan talaga, so civil lang ako towards them. Sorry na lang, pero I have to prioritize my mental health and self-dev't naman.



Na-si stress din ako sa parents ko na super at ubod ng nega pati tuloy ako nadadamay. Move out is the best thing you can do, but I can't do this because I am the bread winner :( of my family haay  :( :'( nakaipon na sana ng malaki laki kaya lang dun napupunta, sad life talaga
Ilan kayo sa house? Are you the only one capable of earning money? kasi if may kapatid ka naman or asawa, they can also help financially. Don't forget to set money for yourself din, and invest =)




Ngayon ko lang nabasa itong thread na ito, but recently I posted sa growing old thread na one of my fears is yung maging bitter/nega ako about life sa pagtanda because of traumas and heartaches that never heal. Pansin ko kasi I used to have a great life when I was younger, but now I feel like I'm on a downward path. Hindi din naman ako bubbly or positive person to begin with, pero di pa naman ako nega pa talaga. Pero iniisip ko paano na in 20 or 30 years if I continue like this. Wala lang, naiimagine ko na baka maging kagaya ako ng ibang parents nyo dito.
Totoo ito, mahirap if heartaches never heal. Madadala natin yan hanggang ma-deads tayo. Kaya we should always make time and make ways to help us heal our issues. What made you say nasa downward path ka? If it's your heartaches, you have to take actions to heal it. Church, therapist, open up to people.




Yes, sis mysterioza_me, for now, iam scouting for another work at home job. I feel I need to get out of this toxic life! My sibs doesnt believe me kasi sila ang paborito eh.. for my mom, sila ang nasa PEDESTAL!

Sis glamorosa_09  may point ka. Tama ka naman doon. Napaisip ako. Tama ka. Baka I might escape an abuse, only to enter to another one. Pero that time, parang sa sobrang di na ako makahinga, gusto ko na lang makawala.
I remember a quote saying "Be in a relationship if you are ready, not when you are lonely." Make sure na meron ka muna peace of mind and peace of heart before even thinking of having a relationship with someone. For the meantime, try meditating. inhaling through nose, exhale through mouth (nalearn ko lang it sa meditation app sa phone). Nakakrelease ng nega emotions. No effect at first pero just continue to do it everyday. It took me 2-3 weeks bago narealize ko yun effect nyan. Good for the health din kasi mas naging okay poop cycle ko haha




It would be good kung kaya umalis as soon as possible. That would be the most logical thing to do. But sometimes practically speaking (e.g., financially independence, life skills) and psychologically speaking (e.g., self-esteem, belief in one's capability and independence) hindi pa ready. Pero kung kaya, go go go, the sooner the better.

Pero kung hindi pa kaya, palakas ka muna sis. Do something that could help you heal and develop yourself further. Okay yung ginagawa ni sis iluvescada, she consulted/is consulting with a psychotherapist. Okay din yung suggestion nya to build a support group para sa inyo.

Maganda yun, build kayo ng support group. I have two books on how to heal from mean/unloving mothers. Pwede kayo magbook club, share what struck you the most, mga reflections. Ala-group therapy na rin. PM me if you're interested and I'll share the ebooks.

If budget is not an issue, have an on-going session with a psychotherapist. Try Betterhelp or yung centers dito sa Pinas. Makakatulong ito cognitively and emotionally. It will raise your self-awareness, identify your irrational thoughts, and provide you with strategies (e.g., CBT, mindfulness).

 More importantly, the supportive and caring relationship you will have with your therapist is a healing factor. Kasi you will be able to experience how to be valued and emphatized, something na hindi mo naranasan with the important authority figures in your life. It was relationship that broke you, it will also be relationship that can heal you.

Now this caring relationship will be your model on how to love and care for yourself. At dun mo rin iko-compare how potential partners will treat you. If your psychotherapist valued your ability, ginaya mo sa sarili mo, and the guy you're dating made you look down on your ability, then magtanong ka na.

You can also attend self-healing and self development seminars like Flex of OCCI and RCW. I think participants at Flex not only were processed but they were able to build peer attachments with each other.

If budget is issue, then a religious nun (huwag pari, baka ma in-love ka pa sa pari) or elderly na caring can make a difference too. Wala nga lang syempreng psychological interventions, but the caring relationship you will receive is what matters. Yung iba kasi isang parent lang ang abusive, the other is caring na. So iba rin ang development nila compared sa very minimal or wala talaga.
Thanks for sharing about Flex. Nakabayad na ako dyan last year, kaso hindi ako natuloy. Buti pinayagan ako magattend ng ibang dates. April yun dates ko, hoping for a good result for me. I pm'ed you din for the ebooks =)


Mga sis, we can start a group to help and support each other. I would love meet ups kaso traffic kalaban natin and gastos haha You can also pm me if you want to rant further (haha) and I'll try to give suggestions on how we can deal with it.
"Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success."  - Inspiring Women

ms.holly

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #38 on: March 22, 2018, 02:03:22 pm »
what a great idea sis for a support group maybe start with viber or something like that. PM me as well if you guys are into that. I have felt that before na sobrang down with no one to talk to kase busy ang friends or in a different timezone.  :)
The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

hisana

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Re: living with super negative parents
« Reply #39 on: March 22, 2018, 02:23:52 pm »
Totoo ito, mahirap if heartaches never heal. Madadala natin yan hanggang ma-deads tayo. Kaya we should always make time and make ways to help us heal our issues. What made you say nasa downward path ka? If it's your heartaches, you have to take actions to heal it. Church, therapist, open up to people.

Thanks for the advice, sis. Nao-overwhelm lang with life's problems, I guess. Parang all I'm doing is dealing with more and more issues and responsibilities as time goes by. Medyo jaded na nga ako, naisip ko na ganito na lang ba ang buhay. Can't remember the last time I was truly happy and relaxed. I'm taking it one day at a time, but it's difficult, but I will try to find joy in life again. Kaya feeling ko magiging nega talaga ako pagtanda ko, na sana huwag naman!
« Last Edit: March 22, 2018, 02:25:54 pm by hisana »

 


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