iluvescadasport &Freshpicks- Thanks Sissies!:) I feel minsan dito lang ako nakakafeel ng mag rant. ( Some, yes. Maybe thinks masyado akong nega sa mga posts ko.) alam ko naman yun. Pero, what to do? Even my sister and brother does not want to listen? Eh, paborito sila ng nanay ko eh! Kaya ayaw nila maniwala. They never experienced whatever pain that I experienced sa mom namin. Paano nga ba nila maiintindihan if never naman nila naranasan? So, who do I really turn to? Wala di ba? Sasabihin nila ? sinisiraan mo lang si mama? when sa akin.. its a cry for help! May mga kapatid ka nga, wala ka naman makausap about this. So, saan ako pupunta? Sa ibang tao di ba? I think I have a toxic and narcissistic mother. Pag nandito mga kapatid ko, nag susumbong siya sa kanila na para bang siya ang biktima.when, siya ang nambibiktima. Always feeling the victim. Akala mo, aping api! Ayaw niya kaming mag work, kasi we work with our cousin sa HK. Sa shipping business niya. Ayaw niya na mag sabay kami na andoon. Kasi DAPAT daw may kasama siya. I look forward naman pag tinatawag ako for work. Freedom is what I feel pag andoon ako. Di ko nakikita nanay ko. I love NOT seeing her.1 month? Make it 2 months! Kung pwede lang gawin mo na akong HK resident! Di na ako uuwi! Tuluyan ko na di kikitain nanay ko! Pag andoon ako.. I dont call home. I dont even miss her! I love being there! Ngayon, di pa ako tinatawag. Aso ko lang naman ang reason ko, bakit umuuwi pa ako. Just my dogs. PERIOD! I would text my brother kumusta na mga aso ko, but.. never ko kinukumusta nanay ko. Ganun ako kawalang pake na.
Ako, oo, gusto ko mag bago. I want to be positive. I wanted to live in a positive environment. Pero, I really find it hard. When you have an ultra negative Mother na kasama sa bahay. Mentally, verbally and physically battered ka. Paano? Very offensive mom, minsan gusto ko na lang sumama if magkaroon ako ng bf to go live with him.( with my dogs!) para na lang maka alis! Para na lang maisalba ko ba ang natitirang katinuan ko pa. Bago ako mabaliw. Well, ika nga nila ?NOT all Women, who gives birth is a Mother? totoo!
Ngayon, she would threaten us.( my remaining younger brother) na gusto na daw siya ? iadopt? ng kuya namin. Bahala na daw kami sa buhay namin! Hello!! You prevented us from having a job for ourselves! Tapos sasabihin mo ? sasama na ako kina Kuya, bahala na kayo sa mga buhay niyo!? Anong klaseng nanay yan! Napaka selfish! Yun pala eh, you can stay sa Ate and Kuya. So, why do you need us to stay here with you and NOT have a job? Ano? Caregivers mo kami? Ang lakas ng loob iwan kami kasi ano? Matapos na pigilan niya na kami na wag mag work ng sabay para may makasama siya? Ngayon.. ? bahala kayo sa buhay niyo?!? Kasi she knows na wala kaming makakapitan kasi wala kaming pera, dahil din sa kanya.. ayaw ata kami magka work, para hawak kami sa leeg? If I were to choose, Id rather not to be born. Kung ganito lang naman kami magiging? With her as OUR mom? Pwede bang wag mo na lang kaming ilabas sa mundo?
People in our situation can't really help but rant. But that shouldn't be an excuse for us to be stuck on that kind of stage. Yes, super hirap gawin kasi yan yun stage na feel natin ranting is the only way for us to release our stress,anger, pain etc. Feel natin parang no hope na talaga, parang no chocie na tayo but be stuck sa environment natin, figuratively and literally. But remember, we always have a choice. We can decide to accept our situation or decide to make changes.
My advice is try to figure out what's stopping you from moving forward and taking care of yourself. Is it you don't know the next step? Is it that even if after all the bad things your mom did to you, you still love her (feel ko you still do, kasi if hindi, you'll be out of the house in no time)? is it you don't know how to live by yourself? Is it the utilities expenses that you don't have to pay (ako yan! haha)? Is it deep down inside, worried ka din sa mom mo if you leave the house kasi your siblings don't really take care of her? IS it you don't know what is your purpose in life? Is it you aren't financially capable to have your own lodging yet? Etc.... The reason I'm asking (hindi mo naman kailangan sagutin in public hehe pero answer it for yourself) is it's easier for you to move on and do the next step if you know the reason. I recently went for theta healing (hindi ko na natuloy psychiatrist ko haha), and yan din yun tinanong sa akin which helped (I hope it will help din sayo). Aside from having not enough money yet to have my own lodging, the therapist kept on asking me bakit ako nagrarant and naiinis sa parents ko considering the complaints coming out from their mouth are just words. Kung siya magsabi sa akin nun, maiinis ba ako? No. So hahanapin mo talaga yun root cause why you are feeling that way and it'll be more manageable for you to handle your situation (as long as you are willing to take massive actions). Pansin ko kasi, even if we get out of our current nega situation, if we don't resolve our real issues, walang mangyayari. Even if you move out with your dogs and no more contact sa mom mo, hindi ka parin magiging at peace and that feeling will haunt you.
Share ko experience ko in the simplest way, hopefully it can help you. Similar case tayo, negative din parents ko. And meron traits ng pagiging toxic and narcissist. Nung napuno na ako, I decided to move out someday kapag meron na enough money. I bombarded myself with positive affirmations, motivational quotes everyday para hindi na ako mahawa sa kanila. I started reading self dev't books. I enrolled sa OCCI leap, attended financial seminars, stock trading seminars, became a morning person para mas magaan feeling, attended workout sessions. Feel ko I'm making progress. Pero deep down, hindi pa rin ako maka-move on, yun parang no closure kasi hindi ko alam root cause ng pain/anger/hurt ko towards my parents and bakit umabot ng ganyan. Kapag emotions na kasi, ang hirap i-pinpoint. To make the story short, after 1 session ng theta healing (I'm not promoting this, I'm just trying this kasi na0try ng friend ko and gumana sa kanya. Sa akin hindi ko pa nakikita yun effect masyado), I have one theory on the root cause. Feel ko it's because I have utang na loob sa parents ko. Siguro sa kakarinig ng kwento nila about how they did everything for their own parents kasi their parents are really good people, I should do that same din. So since I have that belief ever since I was a kid, yan ginawa ko. Lahat ng decisions ko, parents ko priority, whatever satisfies them is the priority. When I try to make my own decision (kahit kulay lang ng damit na gusto ko) and ayaw ng mom ko, ayaw ko na rin. Because of that utang na loob, I feel guilty if I don't fulfill that. And because I don't want to feel guilty, ginagawa ko lahat for them, kahit labag na sa kalooban ko and values ko. I can't even express my opinions kasi mamaliitin lang nila kasi iba culture nila. So lahat ng emotions ko natago ko lang, to the point naging hurt/anger/pain. I don't know if that is the real cause, but ever since naisip ko yan theory, mas gumaan ng kaunti yun emotions ko. Parang nabawasan yu mabigat na feeling. Everyday I remind myself that I am me, I am my mom's daughter but I'm not my mom, I am my dad's daugher but I'm not my dad, and that I should respect myself well enough to prioritize and invest in developing myself.
Ayun, sana makahelp experience ko sayo. Suggest ko din, don't open up to your siblings na if hindi naman sila open minded and lagi mag-side sa mom mo. Yes, nakakainis kasi siblings should be supportive. Pero accept the reality na ganyan talaga sila. PAgdasal mo na lang sila. We can't change people if they aren't open to changes. Also, try to analyze (kahit mahirap gawin, pero this really helps) how your mom was brought up. Baka ganyan turing sa kanya ng parents nya kaya ganyan siya. OR yan yun belief niya. Kahit na may mental disorder siya, it still has a root cause. Tayo as anak, all we can do is love them as parents. Diba ang true love is asking nothing in return? Ayun, hirap gawin pero kaya natin. We can love them but we don't have to expect to be like them. Ang relationship ko sa parents ko ngayon, I understood where the came from naman. But I decided that it won't stop me from being a better me. Ang daming magagandang options on how to live a better life, and I refuse to use the same road that my parents took. I don't share what I'm doing na with them. I don't even talk to them unless kailangan talaga, so civil lang ako towards them. Sorry na lang, pero I have to prioritize my mental health and self-dev't naman.
Na-si stress din ako sa parents ko na super at ubod ng nega pati tuloy ako nadadamay. Move out is the best thing you can do, but I can't do this because I am the bread winner 
of my family haay 
nakaipon na sana ng malaki laki kaya lang dun napupunta, sad life talaga
Ilan kayo sa house? Are you the only one capable of earning money? kasi if may kapatid ka naman or asawa, they can also help financially. Don't forget to set money for yourself din, and invest =)
Ngayon ko lang nabasa itong thread na ito, but recently I posted sa growing old thread na one of my fears is yung maging bitter/nega ako about life sa pagtanda because of traumas and heartaches that never heal. Pansin ko kasi I used to have a great life when I was younger, but now I feel like I'm on a downward path. Hindi din naman ako bubbly or positive person to begin with, pero di pa naman ako nega pa talaga. Pero iniisip ko paano na in 20 or 30 years if I continue like this. Wala lang, naiimagine ko na baka maging kagaya ako ng ibang parents nyo dito.
Totoo ito, mahirap if heartaches never heal. Madadala natin yan hanggang ma-deads tayo. Kaya we should always make time and make ways to help us heal our issues. What made you say nasa downward path ka? If it's your heartaches, you have to take actions to heal it. Church, therapist, open up to people.
Yes, sis mysterioza_me, for now, iam scouting for another work at home job. I feel I need to get out of this toxic life! My sibs doesnt believe me kasi sila ang paborito eh.. for my mom, sila ang nasa PEDESTAL!
Sis glamorosa_09 may point ka. Tama ka naman doon. Napaisip ako. Tama ka. Baka I might escape an abuse, only to enter to another one. Pero that time, parang sa sobrang di na ako makahinga, gusto ko na lang makawala.
I remember a quote saying "Be in a relationship if you are ready, not when you are lonely." Make sure na meron ka muna peace of mind and peace of heart before even thinking of having a relationship with someone. For the meantime, try meditating. inhaling through nose, exhale through mouth (nalearn ko lang it sa meditation app sa phone). Nakakrelease ng nega emotions. No effect at first pero just continue to do it everyday. It took me 2-3 weeks bago narealize ko yun effect nyan. Good for the health din kasi mas naging okay poop cycle ko haha
It would be good kung kaya umalis as soon as possible. That would be the most logical thing to do. But sometimes practically speaking (e.g., financially independence, life skills) and psychologically speaking (e.g., self-esteem, belief in one's capability and independence) hindi pa ready. Pero kung kaya, go go go, the sooner the better.
Pero kung hindi pa kaya, palakas ka muna sis. Do something that could help you heal and develop yourself further. Okay yung ginagawa ni sis iluvescada, she consulted/is consulting with a psychotherapist. Okay din yung suggestion nya to build a support group para sa inyo.
Maganda yun, build kayo ng support group. I have two books on how to heal from mean/unloving mothers. Pwede kayo magbook club, share what struck you the most, mga reflections. Ala-group therapy na rin. PM me if you're interested and I'll share the ebooks.
If budget is not an issue, have an on-going session with a psychotherapist. Try Betterhelp or yung centers dito sa Pinas. Makakatulong ito cognitively and emotionally. It will raise your self-awareness, identify your irrational thoughts, and provide you with strategies (e.g., CBT, mindfulness).
More importantly, the supportive and caring relationship you will have with your therapist is a healing factor. Kasi you will be able to experience how to be valued and emphatized, something na hindi mo naranasan with the important authority figures in your life. It was relationship that broke you, it will also be relationship that can heal you.
Now this caring relationship will be your model on how to love and care for yourself. At dun mo rin iko-compare how potential partners will treat you. If your psychotherapist valued your ability, ginaya mo sa sarili mo, and the guy you're dating made you look down on your ability, then magtanong ka na.
You can also attend self-healing and self development seminars like Flex of OCCI and RCW. I think participants at Flex not only were processed but they were able to build peer attachments with each other.
If budget is issue, then a religious nun (huwag pari, baka ma in-love ka pa sa pari) or elderly na caring can make a difference too. Wala nga lang syempreng psychological interventions, but the caring relationship you will receive is what matters. Yung iba kasi isang parent lang ang abusive, the other is caring na. So iba rin ang development nila compared sa very minimal or wala talaga.
Thanks for sharing about Flex. Nakabayad na ako dyan last year, kaso hindi ako natuloy. Buti pinayagan ako magattend ng ibang dates. April yun dates ko, hoping for a good result for me. I pm'ed you din for the ebooks =)
Mga sis, we can start a group to help and support each other. I would love meet ups kaso traffic kalaban natin and gastos haha You can also pm me if you want to rant further (haha) and I'll try to give suggestions on how we can deal with it.
