I never liked you at first. I was more into decent-looking guys and well, you were different. I told my friends that I would never date someone like you. I always sensed trouble whenever you’re near, and I told them I didn't want to deal with it.
I was wrong.
The first day we met, I was too tired to notice you. It was the end of my shift, and the only thing that stopped me from going home is your scheduled interview with us along with others. I had to stay.
When you came in, I noticed you had long hair and piercings. Contrary to what I have expected, you were smart, witty, and confident.
That day, I also noticed that you had the most beautiful set of eyes.
And then you started messaging me. You invited me to an after party, and I didn’t want to go. It didn’t stop there. You kept sending me messages, which I purposely ignored. One afternoon, I took a leap of faith and replied–‘just to be polite,’ so I thought.
It didn’t take long. Soon, I enjoyed our exchange of messages. I discovered your weakness for dogs, and you were not the kind of brat I thought you’d be. I was getting to know the other side of you, and it made me happy.
But the thing that got me the most was our deep conversations. I can hear sadness in your words and bitterness in your heart. If only I could say something to make you feel better. At the back of my head, I heard voices saying I should stay out of it.
One night changed everything.
I was out with my friends when you asked my whereabouts. Most of them knew you from work so it wasn’t hard for you to blend in. I was surprised to see that we had the same outfit – a black shirt and red pants. It was a complete coincidence. My friends keep on teasing us of how adorable we look that night. I never thought I’d have much fun, too. It was one of the best nights ever.
When it was past three in the morning and everybody had to leave, we agreed to just hang out a little bit since we’re pretty much taking the same way home. We decided to wait for the sunrise while having drinks at a bar by the sea.
We stood there for what felt like ages. I was enjoying the view from afar when I heard you saying something.
“I like you.”
Those three words. I was a girl with no self-confidence; I didn’t know what to feel. I looked at you and for the first time I saw the depths of your eyes, they’re gloomy.
You held my face and slowly you kissed me. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I was overwhelmed with the emotions flowing in my mind. I felt the butterflies inside, which concludes my feelings for you.
I wanted to tell you right there that I like you too, but these words never came out of my lips. I didn’t have the courage to say it out loud. Instead, I closed my eyes and kissed you back. It was the most beautiful kiss I’ve shared with someone–one that I will never forget.
Without a word, we hugged each other one last time and I leaned on your shoulder while we gazed at the beautiful sunshine right in front of us. It was a beautiful day.
After that, I never heard back from you for days. Our text messages stopped as well as the online chats. It drove me crazy and wondered if the kiss we shared didn’t mean anything to you.
There was one time when you were in the office, I looked at your eyes for answers and it surprised me to see that you have no emotion at all. I was staring at a blank space. You were cold.
“What is he thinking?”, “Is he mad at me?”, “Did I do something wrong?” You have no idea what went through my mind that time. I was too distracted that one night while I was having one too many drinks, I couldn’t help myself and drunk texted you.
It was a long message of frustrations and questioning. I asked if the kiss we shared meant something or was it just for fun. I wanted clear answers and was hoping I’ll receive your response in the morning when I’m sober enough to embrace it.
My world shook when I got it minutes after and you said, “I’m a messed up man with a messed up mind, you don’t want to be with me”.
I’ve never felt so ignored and unloved in my whole life. I cried for days. And the funny thing was, despite all those heart-breaking words, I just can’t hate you that much.
They say that maybe you were too afraid to love again and that you’re still in the dark because of a bad experience–or that you’re just an asshole.
Whichever it is, I still think that you’re a good person deep inside. I see you at work almost every day and slowly, I have accepted the fact that there can never be us.
And then one day we talked again. You said you never wished to hurt me and that you were just afraid because I was too quick to pop the question. You told me you were confused and unsure to take the risk. You asked me if I am ready for us.
I have never paid attention to that thought actually, until you mentioned it. I finally understood why I always see you smile because you didn't want people to pry on your business. You wear different masks every day to hide whatever it is that you’re going through. Just like me, you’re afraid of rejections too.
You think the world is a big mess, and I may not be able to keep up with it. I didn’t give you an answer that day because I was also confused. But just like what happened the first night, we never talked about it again. This time, I think you’re gone for good.
Just like James Dean, you come and go. I can never be mad at you because I have my fair share of faults too.
I should’ve never kept my mouth shut. I once read a quote somewhere in Facebook that says – “We were two broken people looking for love in the wrong parts of each other.”
That’s exactly us.
I’m no expert in reading people’s mind but know that I have a lot to be thankful for when I met you. Months ago, I didn’t want to love. I was pretty much in the downhill, too. And when you came I had a short glimpse of what it feels like to be happy.
I felt butterflies in my stomach and it was a beautiful feeling. To me, you are living proof that love, even in the most unexpected and impossible ways, exists. Our story may have a different turn because it’s too damn confusing, but it’s something worth telling my grandchildren in time.
That once upon a time, I fell for a guy like you.
To the guy with the most beautiful eyes, I wish you gave me the chance to love you. And I wish you were brave enough to tell me why you stopped caring. It would have been easy for me to forget and move on.
But know that despite everything, I still want to see you happy someday. There’s so much light in your eyes and love in your heart that you can give. You need to take that leap of faith and risk it for the last time.
Please don’t stop yourself from falling in love. And I hope one day when you meet The One, you’ll be ready. And I hope by then, she wouldn’t wait for ‘next time’ to let the world know how much she loves you. That no matter how messed up you are, there’s always someone out there willing to bend the rules and show you what love can do. And I’ll look forward to the days when we would laugh at all this sh*t because it would finally make sense as to why it never worked out between us.
*Minor edits have been made by the Femalenetwork.com editors
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