I can't say when, I can't say how... But between those steamy nights in your car, silly conversations, and the secret dates we had, I fell in love. Destiny? Fate? Who are we to say? It's true, we can't choose the person to love, and the type of relationship we want to be in. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm in a complicated situation–with you.

The first weeks were just laughs and happy times. Then months passed and I got used to the moments that we spent together. I really don't know what to call what we have. Productive fling? Beneficial companionship? A serious type of pseudo-relationship?

It's something else as it is unique. And maybe that's a good thing, That we have something that no one else has, a set-up that's never been heard of. Or, maybe, we're just one of those couples who are afraid to admit what we are to each other. Me, who's afraid to know what I am to you because the answer might not be what I expect. You, who's not yet ready to put that label, as some may call it.

It was not easy, I admit. There were days when I intentionally erased certain memories. I want to show you I'm happy–for everything. You accepted me for who I am, and allowed me into your world. You made me feel important, and I wanted to make up for it by loving you all throughout. It was like, if love were a currency, I know I'd be rich enough to pay you.

Yes, there were times that I have invaded your privacy–which you don't deserve. Maybe because I want to know the real score between us. I just want to know that you're worth it. Even if my heart was already learning to love you, my mind kept on telling me that you're just another liar. You're just another cheater–and my mind wants to prove it knows better.

Maybe I just reached the stage where I'm more careful with my decisions. I've been hurt too much that I'm done playing around. That I just want to try and be mature for once. And then there was her. I thought I could ignore her existence. I thought I could handle it. I thought I was strong. At least at first I was. But it's true what they say, that what you keep inside will eventually come and get you.

First were the dreams–constant dreams of what I want to say, what I want to ask. But again, I was too afraid to tell you. Then came the nightmares–I could hear myself shouting in my head, crying, and I wake up with a heavy chest. And during those times that I wake up, I look at your sleeping face to feel better. I hug you tight, telling myself that at least he's here, with me.

The days passed, and I find myself thinking more and more of you, and me, and her. It's like every day was a competition, a game of hide and seek. Until my heart surrendered, maybe it couldn't take the pain anymore. I told you harsh words that I immediately regretted saying, I raised my voice that night, and I wish I could take it back.

I was so blinded by the pain, and my love for you, that I forgot about a lot of things. I forgot how you told me that you forget your past when I'm at your side. That you're happy with me. All the doubts clouded my understanding. The other side of me wants you to know my pain, while the other just wants you to just hug me, and kiss the pain away.

Now, it's still not clear to me, but I'm tired of seeing you sad. It hurts me more that the person I love is struggling, too. You're asking if I can forgive you, how can I not? When every inch of my being tells me that it's you I want. That if anybody asks me what I want to do for the day, I can only think of us somewhere laughing our hearts out.

I'm holding on to the dream that someday there will only be just you and me. It's going to hurt along the way, but maybe I can survive it more if you're beside me.

Love,
The Woman Who's Holding On

*Minor edits have been made by the Femalenetwork.com editors

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PHOTO: Pixabay; GIFs: Giphy

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