Dear First Love,

I was 13 when I met you. We fell in love and the distance was a challenge for us, but what we felt was so intense—it was crazy. Young love… it was real. That was the time when a phone call and the love we shared kept our relationship together. We personally met a year after and my feelings suddenly changed. I was unsure. I thought we were too young to think that what we had was forever. I'm sorry; I was the one who gave up. I didn't fight longer to keep our relationship. You were my first love.

Years passed and I moved on with life, graduated high school, went through college and studied in Manila. I never had the means to contact you. There was Friendster, but it didn’t matter to me yet because we were tied up in our relationships, school, and time passed by…we lost contact again.


Seven years ago, you looked for me again; I was looking for you, too. I had the oddest name so no one could find me. A friend of mine found you on Facebook, where eventually you stopped looking for me. And so I said "Hi!." We talked for the very first time in a long while and everything felt the same, the sound of your voice, the feeling, everything flashbacked. I was still in love with you. I could not contain the excitement I felt and the feeling of longing for you every day. I know you somehow felt something, too, but never really told me.

Just the thought of you wanting to find me should mean something, somehow. But time had never really been on our side. You were in a relationship and pursuing med school because you were so passionate about being a doctor; I was single and focused on my career as a designer.

You told me sana hindi na ako mawala ulit and I've always held on to that thought. I told myself I would be here when the time comes that you’d be ready. We lived in two different worlds and never saw each other even if we wanted to until one day you shut me out of your life. I could no longer contact you on Facebook. It was difficult and heartbreaking and so I just moved on. You were there on and off. Life was hard on you, juggling med school, issues, and in the middle of that, you met someone new again (only in the end, she left you for a doctor, a couple of years after). I was out of the picture again. You told me, you did that to protect me… It was never really meant to be, the timing was always not right.

A year ago, hinanap mo na naman ako. I asked myself what could you have possibly done to me that for all these years I've never really moved on from you andinaantay pa rin kita, hanggang ngayon. That was all just at the back of my mind. But I was brave enough to tell you, "Andiyan ka na naman, ginugulo mo na naman ang buhay ko." But we talked again and finally met.

Life was even more difficult for me because I thought I was over you and seeing you again for the first time after 17 years was nerve-wracking and hard. I thought maybe this was the time when you'd finally be ready to be with me and we'd have our second chance. I was even ready to give up my four-year relationship because it’s always been you. But you told me you were still nursing your broken heart and getting ready for the boards. I tried to be there for you and be a friend supporting you all the way. Our communication was constant then.

August 2015 came and so did the boards. I sent you random good luck messages from time to time to keep you inspired. I wanted you to finally make your dream come true. I prayed and prayed because I knew this was what you always wanted. A day after the boards, you called me. We talked longer than we used to. You were so happy and finally free, all those years in med school finally paid off. That time, a lot of things ran through my head. I must be special to you because you thought of calling me.

Now, you’re finally a doctor.

To my first love, I love you still after 18 years… but you never really knew. I don’t want you to live alone, I want you to grow old with someone whom you can share your future with. I want you to be happy and find the love that will complete you. Even if it hurts, all I wish for you now is your happiness, even if it’s not with me.

I’ll no longer dream of us together, think about the WHAT IFs, or even get excited when you talk to me. I will slowly distance myself from you until you realize I am no longer there anymore, maybe unfriend you if that helps. I loved you so much but you just lead me on thinking that we will have our second chance.

As much as I wanted to be a part of your life, I think it’s time I finally wake up, move on and learn to let you go, even if I still love you. I’ve waited so long to tell you this; I have learned to accept what we have before is history and that it was only I who thought it was forever.

Love, GIRLTalker kawen

*Minor edits have been made by the editors

SCREENCAP: Like Crazy/Paramount Vantage (2011); GIFs: Giphy

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