CHANCE ENCOUNTER
Koko* and I met through a mutual friend at a pool party. He stood about six feet tall and was very easy on the eyes. I learned that though we were the same age, he was still in college. His studies had taken a backseat, but I was impressed when he told me that he was on his university's track and field team. By the end of the evening, we had exchanged numbers. And soon we were sending each other messages, talking on the phone, and going out to movie dates.
Koko endeared himself to my family by way of my aunt. She had seen Koko and me at the mall and was so charmed by him. She lost no time in telling my mom, who lived in Tuguegarao with my family. My mom called me and said that she was so happy for me, but said that I should take it slow. In the past, I had always gone for broke each time I fell in love.
ALL THE RIGHT MOVES
Soon after he met my aunt, I asked Koko what his intentions were. He said, "I'm interested in you and hope that what we have can develop into a relationship." His straightforward declaration disarmed me.
When I got into an accident, I texted Koko and another suitor about what happened. The other guy was a businessman who had been courting me longer than Koko. He seemed the wiser choice, but it was Koko who showed up at the hospital. I took it as a sign that he'd be the better boyfriend.
Eventually, we had "the talk." I told Koko my apprehensions about going into a relationship with him. He was, after all, still in school and I was worried we would grow apart. He said, "You know, not all guys are the same. Let's give it a try." When I said yes, he looked overjoyed.
My family welcomed Koko in every way. My parents didn't let the fact that he was still in school affect how they saw him. My dad. who had never liked any guy I had brought home, was at ease with him from the first time they met. Koko also won over my friends. He'd even hang out with them when I wasn't around.
UNEQUAL HALF
I thought nothing for footing the bill for our dates and giving Koko gifts of clothes and a cell phone, but I felt like I had to be the grown up in the relationship. Koko didn't take pressure well. Even his family told me that he gave up whenever he encountered difficulties.
Barely a year into our relationship, Koko complained about being unable to juggle school and his track-and-field training. And even though I tried to encourage him, he decided to drop out. I practically begged him to enroll, telling him that I didn't are what school he went to as long as he finished his studies. It took a while, but he got into a school specializing in computer education and got a job in a call center.
By this time, I had quit my job as a trade marketing specialist and was teaching in a nursery school while taking up my master's degree in education. I didn't want Koko to feel left out, so I made arrangements for him to stay with me on weekdays which made it easy for him to go to school. Koko's mom, who didn't want him imposing on me, eventually conceded that it was for the best--someone could make sure that Koko went to school and reported for work.
Despite this, I learned that Koko sought emotional support from his ex-girlfriend whenever we had problems. Later on, one of his friends told me that Koko and his ex had been all over each other at a party in Subic. I wasn't there because I had gone home to Tuguegarao.
I had Koko arrange a meeting with his ex at a coffee shop. I made it clear to the girl that I wasn't going to play the fool. I told them, "I'm going to leave you two to say your goodbyes. Koko, I'm giving you 10 minutes. If you don't follow me to the car after that, then I'm gone." Before the time was up, Koko was in the car with me.
I hid our troubles from my family. I loved Koko and didn't want anyone to see him in a bad light.
WEDDING BLUES
On one early morning, I was awakened by Koko calling out my name. He said, "It's you whom I want to be with for the rest of my life. Let's get married." With my brain still hazy from sleep, I said yes. The proposal came from nowhere, and I guess we were both caught up in the moment.
My parents were okay with the idea, but Koko's family wasn't. His mom said that Koko still had to make something of himself. But there was no stopping us. When he formally asked for my hand in marriage, he promised my dad, "I'll give your daughter the life she deserves. I'll take care of her.”
There was a problem about who would foot the wedding tab. Koko's family came clean about not being able to shoulder the expenses. I told Koko that we should figure things out. Besides, I reasoned, I had some savings.
Despite this, I still wanted a grand wedding. I shelled out a lot of money to pay for the down payment on the church and reception venue, rings, dresses for the entourage, and my own gown.
It was around this time that Koko quit working at the call center, saying that he found it difficult to manage a job and schoolwork. He worked part-time for a popular coffee shop chain, and while I respected his decision, I realized that the money he made would not make a dent in the wedding bills. Koko seemed oblivious to the urgency.
Months before our wedding, I told my dad that I was having second thoughts. He talked me out of it and said that he would speak with Koko. Koko said the right things, but still didn't change. I had to take action so that my dream wedding could happen.
I decided to fly with my mom to the US so that I could find work and earn enough to pay for the wedding. I trusted Koko, so I left him my ATM card, which had P10,000, and my checking account, which had P70,000. At his request, I also took out a bank loan because he said he couldn't come up with the P20,000 that I had asked him for as his share for the expenses.
In the US, I worked for a popular hamburger chain, where I endured racial and sexual discrimination. But I swallowed my pride and did menial work like cleaning bathrooms. I also took on babysitting jobs.
In the beginning, Koko and I stayed in touch through the Internet. We scheduled our online sessions, but soon he wasn't online when I was. Later on, I told Koko that I was tired and wanted out of the relationship. He got mad and threatened to hurt himself. Once again, I gave him a chance. But two days later, he threw my "I'm tired" spiel right back at me. I was crushed, but I e-mailed everyone and said that the wedding was off.
Since I was abroad, I was insulated from the brouhaha that followed our breakup. I felt the need to escape the questions. I told my mom that I didn't want to go back to the Philippines anymore.
RETURN POLICY
Just as I was making plans to settle in the US, my dad convinced me to come home because I had to take care of cancellations and calls to people like our wedding sponsors. When I came back, I called up Koko and asked for my things back. When we met, he acted like nothing had happened. I was baffled by his behavior and a part of me still entertained the idea of us getting back together. Until, at a gathering with our friends, I got hold of his phone and saw that "Hun" was calling. I lost it and screamed at him. Koko revealed that he was involved with another barista, but in the same beat told me that he loved me but wanted "to have fun first." I felt so humiliated and mad at myself for allowing him to constantly invade my world even when had practically derailed my life.
In the aftermath, Koko had it easy. I was the one who handled the cancellations. I sobbed when I had to explain to the jewelers that I wouldn't be getting the rings anymore. When I discovered that my bank accounts had been cleaned out by Koko, I didn't have the urge to sue him, even though my lawyer friends told me that I should. I just decided to move on.
I soon got a new job handling public relations for a publishing company and it helped me recover from my broken engagement. I've also become more spiritual. I like to believe that being with Koko was the most painful blessing I've ever received in my life. I now know one thing: I will never again make the mistake of holding myself back or compromising my life goals for the sake of a man who doesn't deserve it.
Yes, I'm going to fall in love again, but I will take more time to get to know the person better before getting serious. I'll take calculated risks based on the present, not on the hopes I have for the future.
* Names have been changed by request from those concerned.
(First published in Marie Claire Magazine, On the Cover section as "My dream wedding was a nightmare!" in June 2008; recounted to Faye Ilogon; adapted for use in Female Network)
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