The TALK before getting married

[f878]

kame ni h2b, since yung trabaho namin pareho ay very dependent sa oras, yung timeline ang isa sa mga pinag-uusapan namin.

yung mga tipong by year x, marenovate na namin yung bahay.
year y - we want a kid na.
year z - mag-quit na ko mag-work and hopefully mag-full time mom.

[coral]

1. MONEY, MONEY, MONEY - for the first year after ng wedding, we decided na magkaroon ng joint savings then kanya-kanyang ipon kami. Why? He's a Permanent Resident abroad and maiiwan ako dito sa Pinas while waiting for the petition and visa. Ako, tuloy lang work ko dito while nag-iipon then sya ganun din doon. Kapag nakarating na ako abroad, we have decided na mag-work pa rin ako ng mga 3 to 5 years then pwede na ako mag full time housewife tapos yung expenses like electric bill, internet, telephone, insurance/HMO and car ay sa kanya while food and lakwatsa ay sa akin.

2. IN-LAWS - his parents are so good. I think magkakasundo kami.. Di naman sila matapobre and they respect our decisions lalo na dun sa gusto naming gawin sa wedding.

3. WHERE WILL YOU LIVE - during first year, rent muna ako dito sa Manila then pasyal-pasyal na lang sa house nila dito. Pero ibang usapan na kapag nasa abroad na kami, mag-rent kami ng apartment then after two years mag-mortgage kami ng house and lot. Kelangan pa ma-establish ang credit history bago maka-loan sa bank. Currently, he's living with his parents abroad in a condo so mas matipid at makakaipon kami ng isang taon.

4. CHILDREN - It doesn't matter kung ilan or kahit wala. May mga sakit kase ako at ayaw nya i-risk ang health ko. Kung papalarain daw kami OK sa kanya pero kung hindi Ok lang naman daw. Basta importante magkasama kami.

[danda]

1. MONEY, MONEY, MONEY - Pagsamahin namin sweldo namin then tsaka ileless ang mga expense at savings.

2. IN-LAWS - Walang problem dito.

3. WHERE WILL YOU LIVE - After wedding, magrent muna kami habang pinapaayos namin ang bahay namin.

4. CHILDREN - 2 sana.

[purplegravity]

1. MONEY, MONEY, MONEY - We have not yet finalized our discussion. This is our agenda in our next date. I already informed my fiance' that im presently giving my parents 15k monthly and i dont have plan to stop it. Oks naman to sa kanya since it will be from my salary naman.

2. IN-LAWS - We dont have problems here.

3. WHERE WILL YOU LIVE - We decided to stay in my condo since it near in my work as well as to his office. His condo will be for rent na lang for extra income.

4. CHILDREN - 1 or 2 sana but since risky age na ko, its ok with him even if we dont have a baby.

[gj1206]

^ agree. has anyone here considered or pursued a prenuptial agreement? possible din post nup right?

Yep sis, there is a post nup.

I don't think it's offensive discussing it, or being asked to sign one. I actually advocate for it! Say you get into a marriage with properties in your name, or you know you are to inherit your parents' house, etc -- that turns into a conjugal property once you're married. But if you end up getting divorced, your husband can fight with you on your parents' house na pinamana sayo. Iba yung pinagusapan verbally because that can change, who knows? Iba yung nakasulat at pinirmahan ng solicitor/lawyer. Protection na rin for future kids, lalo na kung iwanan ka ng asawa mo ng wala tapos you have to rear up the kids on your own. Hirap nun, lalo na at tuition fees are expensive!

[Priceless]

When I was single, I cut out an article from Businessworld (super tagal na nun) about prenups and the importance of having one. Basically, it said that if you think that you will remain poor all your life, then there is no need nga for a pre nup. Ako naman, because I have property which I acquired on my own, as well as family properties, I was all for a pre nup.

Then marriage came along. My then h2b was all for a prenup too, because he has substantial assets (read: more than mine) and his family sort of depended on those assets as well so they all wanted to feel secure nga.

However, because of practical reasons (time, convenience, etc) we didn't get a prenup and it seems like we won't be getting a post nup anytime soon either. Dami kasing hassle in terms of getting lawyers, listing out all of our assets, etc. We did go see our lawyers na but it was so complicated and will take time so up to now, andun pa rin sya sa to-do list namin.

[la_pinay]

^thanks sis

[April30]

Share ko lang din my experience with this:

1.  MONEY, MONEY, MONEY - Not necessary a money set-up that we're talking. This is more on the career paths we were taking. Like if he has issues kung mas malaki ang kita ko and mas successful ako sa career ko. May mga guys kasi na natatamaan ang ego pag mas successful ang wife nila. buti my husband is not like that. As long as we were able to raise our family well walang kaso if sino ang mas malaki kumita.

2.  IN-LAWS - No things to discuss with these. Hindi mo malalaman before ang character ng magiging in-laws mo hanggat di pa kayo mag-asawa.

3. WHERE WILL YOU LIVE - Kami ni hubby gora kami kahit saan. We are after kung saan mas convenient tumira. For the record, we lived with my parents for 6 years, rented apartment for 3 years, then sa parents nya until now. Nag-iipon pa kami ng pampaayos ng house namin. Target namin nakalipat by next year.

4. CHILDREN - Sabi ko sa kanya noon, gusto ko apat na anak. We have three children now, one more to go pero ayaw na ni hubby. Magastos daw 

5. LIVING ARRANGEMENT - Napag-usapan din namin ito, ako kasi gusto ko mag-work which he agrees naman.

[fionaapple]

I personally think every couple should talk about these things before even considering marriage. Actually, before my fiance and I got engaged, we talked casually about these things. I guess parang you're feeling each other out kung pang-seryosohan ba to, o MOMOL lang!

1. MONEY - I think basically we're doing a 50-50. Might be 60-40 for conjugal bills like rent, electric, water, kase he earns more than I do. Reading this thread made me think about talking about savings! Hindi ko naisip yan. We don't have properties, but I'm definitely considering doing a postnup agreement, especially if magkaproperties kami, and lalo na if there are children. It's for my (and my future children na rin) protection, I'd like to think.

Word of Caution lang sis:
Under philippine law, there is no such thing as a post-nup agreement. Kung magkakaroon man ng agreement about sa paghihiwalay ng property, kailangang gawin yun habang hindi pa naikakasal. Hindi magiging valid kung sakaling gagawin ito pagkatapos pa ng kasal. so sakaling may plans kayo regarding this, gawin na before the wedding ceremony.

[j.adore]

It's also the first time I've heard about a post-nup (usually shoot lang hehe). You need to do it before signing the marriage contract/certificate.

[Priceless]

Because my hubby and I are of different nationalities and we live in a country that we are not citizens of,  we consulted our respective lawyers (I must admit, in the previous country where we both resided) and they were the ones who recommended a post nuptial agreement (which they said was more valid than prenup kasi nga pag pre nup you can say that you were mentally incapacitated or coerced so hindi valid yung marriage including lalo yung prenup). Our lawyers said that the post nup was an agreement on the division of assets and it was more valid daw because we already were married and the agreement should recognize what is already provided in law and yet we chose to divide assets the way we agreed to. So anyway, ang suma total, hindi pa matuloy tuloy itong post nup na ito dahil nga pareho kaming nasa abroad at mahirap mag-gawa ng inventaryo ng assets, tapos kailangan pang kanya-kanya kami ng lawyers who will then have to discuss with each other to come up with the post nup.

Mahaba at complicadong process kaya nasa to-do list pa rin sya hanggang ngayon.

[Priceless]

Just today I heard of someone who is contemplating of leaving his wife because he just found out how that his wife was neck deep in BIG, and serious debts (as in briefly nilang napagusapang daw prior to getting married) even though the wife has a good job. Anyway, the wife has so much debt and has also used up their joint "savings" for investments which unfortunately did not do so well. It is so serious na tipong meron nang mga taong pumupunta sa house nila to collect, may mga threats na, at malamang ma-fforeclose ang bahay nila. What's worse is that they are both work in a field where, pag nalaman ng kanilang respective employers or clients na may ganun silang kalaking problem, they are likely to be terminated.

[120515]

my fiance and i talked about long-term goals and plans 6 months into our relationship :-) i hope that what i will be sharing will help out other couples as well.
here's what we talked about:
1) where we want to settle - we actually sat down, took a piece of A3 paper and divided it in half. 1/2 was for me to write-down my requirements and the other half for him. we gave ourselves about 7-10 minutes to write down everything we want to consider. because he's an engineer, he was more detailed, right down to what kind of technologies should be available in that place. i'm more of a big picture person so i wrote down that i wanted the place to have good healthcare, be safe for our kids, and that our kids won't be bullied (our kids will be bi-racial and i don't want them to be discriminated against). we then narrowed down the places where we will settle to 2
2) finances - i raised this with him by asking him whether he has an insurance plan or an investment plan because i was getting another insurance plan. then i explained to him how important it is to set aside money for the future. after, i showed him my budget and then i offered to create a budget for him. he was very open to the idea and allowed me to make a budget for him. he told me that saving was like "paying himself" and it was very exciting for him to make the first deposit into his separate savings account

[regie02]

Wow. This thread is really great & helpful! I'm getting married next year. We only talked about where we'll live and yung money. Ang dami pa namin pala dapat pag-usapan. Hehe!

[carlallanwed]

This thread is fantastic.  There are so many important things to talk about and it really is irrational for me that you don't talk about it just because you're being polite.  Coming from a failed 7-year relationship, this is really the root of our breakup.  I'm so happy to have the chance to do this over with my partner.

So far, these are what we've talked about:

1.  MONEY
I will be migrating so it'll take a while for me to find a job legally.  Of course, pwede namang rumaket at sideline here and there, but the income won't be substantial and might not even be considered as secondary source in our household.  So my partner is aware na he might be the primary breadwinner for some time.  We're looking at a 6-9 month period of my unemployment, so shempre kasama na dun yung paginclude saken sa medical and dental insurance niya at work.

2.  DEBT
For sure you're all aware that debt is so common, especially in the US, and I really admire that my partner immediately brought this up when we decided to settle down.  He showed me his student loans, his current payment plan, and his expected date of fulfillment.  We got to talk about how to work around his debt, if we will use a portion of my severance pay on it para mas madaling matapos, et al.  Because of credit scoring in the US, we really have to be more cautious about this especially we want to buy a home.  Which brings me to...

3.  WHERE TO LIVE
On single income for a time and then student loans, it is far more realistic to assume it will take a while for us to purchase a home.  Buti na lang I get along very well with his parents, and their house is relatively big.  So we're planning to live there for a couple of years, depending on when I can find a job, before looking to buy a house.  We're quite sure nga that his parents will sell us their house because they're retiring already and are planning to live in Davao during the winter.  Hindi lang ako comfortable sa sleeping arrangements.  Shempre right now they have the master bedroom and we will have the other bedroom.  Ano yun, pag binili na namin yung bahay, may downgrade na magaganap?  LOL.  Sila malilipat sa other room tas kami magmomove in sa master?  Kaloka lang, so yeah there.  Also, because of the long to do list namin sa buhay, we're also contemplating being nomads.  Hahaha. 

4.  LIFESTYLE
This is actually my partner's major concern.  He does Brazilian jiu jitsu, rock climbing, swimming and running.  He wants us to have a healthy and active lifestyle, since we're not planning on having kids (more on this later) and he really wants a long and healthy life for us.  I mean sino ba naman ang hindi di ba.  He wants us to stay grounded, kaya nga ngayon pa lang wedding planning he's already saying that our wedding should reflect the lifestyle we will have together, not a mere grand celebration tapos hindi naman kami ganun mabubuhay.  I completely agree with him on this and I think this is something most couples forget, especially during wedding planning.  I've read so many stories here on GT (lurker forever) na umaabot sa milyon ang kasal, tapos puro utang naman after.  Humility is key talaga, and he was quick to manage my expectation that spending has to be wise and practical, food has to be healthy 80% of the time, and exercise is a must.

5.  CHILDREN
This one was so me.  Even before we got together I told him to really think about choosing me because I don't want to have kids.  Not for anything else, but more for myself.  I still want to do so much, travel and do so many more things that I don't want to be the bitter mother or the mother that lives vicariously through the kid.  I'm happy that he's onboard, balak din kasi niyang magblack belt sa jiu jitsu, so we'll move constantly so he can train with the right coaches and in the right gyms.

6.  RELIGION
I am an INC and he immediately converted.  That's the long and short of it.  I didn't even have to ask, and I'm pleased na hindi pabalat bunga yung pagcoconvert niya.  He's actually turning out to be a more diligent member than I am.  Hahaha.

Don't be shy to have these conversations with your partner.  Hindi naman kelangan formal pero when you see the opening, TAKE IT!  Hahaha.  Seriously, there are things that you really have to thresh our and define para talagang you're on the same page.  We even went to the extent of defining what is cheating for us, the level of comfort in spicing up our sex life, our mode of contraception, and all that.  Don't waste your time not having these conversations just because you think it's taboo or impolite.  Clarity is not something you can purchase in the store.

[barbillie]

1. MONEY, MONEY, MONEY - We use his salary for our living expenses, paying the utility bills, rent and groceries. Mine was used for savings and other expenditures like car payments etc. My husband gives me all his earnings then I'm the one doing the budgeting.

2. IN-LAWS - I don't have problems with his parents and so as he to my parents. We can always seek help from them in times of need but we try not to depend on them since we wanted to prove that we can do it on our own.

3. WHERE WILL YOU LIVE - We are currently renting an apartment. We are still trying to decide between getting a condo here in metro or buying a house and lot in Cavite (we're both from there). Magsing-presyo lang naman ang condo dito at house and lot doon. But definitely we're getting our own place. Kahit na wala akong problems sa in-laws, mahirap pa din kasi makikisama ka sa ibang mga nakatira. And also, I wanted to decide for me and my husband. If we don't have our own place, I can't do that.

4. CHILDREN - We're thinking of having 2 or 3. But having 1 will still be a blessing. No plans of bearing children this year but I'm turning 29 so I guess next year we should.

[vitug.annie]

I agree that these are few of the major things that you need to talk about.. because even if you've known each other for how many years, still, there will be issues arising here & there in your married life.
1. MONEY
I never had problems about money.. when we are still in the Philippines, even if my husband earns more than I do (knowing how much nurses earn in the private sector) he would always give his money to me for budgeting. Now that we moved into another country (and it's my time to shine now).. I am trying to make him feel na it's ok din if I shoulder most of the expenses. You know naman mga guys,  #whenegostrikes minsan which is sa ating mga girls wala naman yon.
2. IN-LAWS
No problems with in laws at all. Sometimes di naman maiiwasan na may hihingi.. which is ok naman for both of us. Importante na nakakatulong kami sa family.
3. WHERE WILL WE LIVE
Since we are permanent residents overseas, we've decided to settle down here na lang. More opportunities. Better life for the family.. then if possible start a business in the Philippines. So if one day nagdecide umuwi may pangkabuhayan na.
4. CHILDREN
We have a 5 yr old son.. I don't mind having one or two more.

[Chili1113]

We've had "THE TALK" many times before.

But today we just had a talk re our finances for 2016 wedding and after-wedding. I gave some concerns about expenses, including the timing of our honeymoon and renovation of the place where we will stay. I was just worried about having to make so many payments at one time, especially if we will also be renovating and furnishing our home at the same time.

I just feel very happy and blessed when fiance said, as early as now he has already set aside all that is needed for everything- wedding,honeymoon and the home renovations. 

Just felt like  a very lucky girl having someone who will really plan ahead of time. I think even before he proposed to me he has been planning his finances and really prepared and knew what expenses were coming our way should we get married. =) =)

I am feeling extra inspired now to really budget well our hard-earned income =)

[reenabautista]

There are times na pakiramdam ko, tinitipid ako ng h2b ko. i understand the value of money pero minsan nalulungkot ako na kailangan ko kalimutan ang gusto ko for something really cheap. sobrang kakalungkot. lahat tayong mga babae e kahit paano gusto natin ng maayos na kasal na di gaano tinipid. Parang pakiramdam ko e di ako ganun kahalaga.

i want to give my share pero sabi ko rin sa sarili ko, kung ito lang ang kaya, o di ito lang.

im happy na pakakasalan ako. pero kung tipid here and there, wag na muna.

[chiarm]

Agree, it depends on the financial capacity and also on the current expenses you have.

Pwede naman maging maayos ang kasal kahit tinipid. To share, 4 na ang feature ng wedding namin pero tinipid yun We did this because we also had to complete our home and at the same time, not deplete our savings.

You both should take a step back and re-assess your relationship, approach to money, future plans, etc. etc. Maybe the problem is not just the wedding funds but really compatibility niyong 2. Madami sa net "questions to ask before getting married" daanan niyo lahat yun lalo na yung financial aspects.

I hope this would help!