The TALK before getting married

[Priceless]

Hi Sisters/Brides-to-Be:

I wanted to start this thread because I feel the need to emphasize on the most important task/activity/must-do before getting married. This is having the big TALK with your h2b on crucial matters that will very much affect your marriage/married life, long after you have walked down the aisle, said your vows and signed the marriage contract.

You only need to go to the Marriages thread to see that a lot of the problems married couples have could have been avoided or addressed had both parties discussed and reached a compromise before tying the knot. Instead, many couples I believe, become too caught up in the wedding, and do not prepare themselves for the real work that marriage entails.

So to begin, let me write down the stuff I think should be DISCUSSED nang masinsinan:

1. MONEY, MONEY, MONEY - where will it come from? Who is responsible for what? How much do you spend as a couple? How much will you save as a couple? What are the assets and liabilities each of you will be bringing into your marriage? How will you be able to support your growing needs as a family? Do you have to support anyone outside of this new family unit that you are creating?

2. IN-LAWS - Give an honest feedback of your relationship with your future inlaws to your spouse-to-be. What is acceptable/not-acceptable behaviour from them towards you (or your family) and how do you intend to support your spouse in cases of any discord between your family and them? 

3. WHERE WILL YOU LIVE - Will you have your own home? Live with relatives? For how long?

4. CHILDREN - How many? What if there are none? To what lengths are you prepared to support your spouse in TTC? How do you intend to look after your child after birth? Will you go back to work?

Yun pa lang maisip ko ngayon, but for other sisters, especially those who are married or previously married, post/advice away!

[blackgreen]

I am happy na sa 4 na sinabi mo sis eh lahat yan napagusapan na namin ng boyfriend ko. Hindi pa kami engaged pero napaguusapan na rin ang buhay mag-asawa.

[chelgeneroso]

We did talked about this before getting married.

1. MONEY, MONEY, MONEY - hindi sanay si hubby ng walang hawak na pera. Kaya ang pinaghatian namin bills sa bahay. The bulky bills (savings sa bank, power, needs ni baby and yaya) + the personal mobile post paid and credit card - sa akin. The lesser bills (landline/internet, cable, labandera, gas and car maintenance) + postpaid and credit card kay hubby. The grocery kasi meron grocery allowance si hubby sa office quarterly. drinking water, other food and expenses- hati kami. Kahit papaano nakaka-ipon ako sa bank. my hubby is jobless for 6 years after our wedding, but we had a small business before pero pinasara ko na after i forced my husband to practice his ECE again kasi abonado ako sa business. kapag nasisira ang equipment ako nagpapagawa, out of my own savings. pero kapag kumikita, walang nabalik sa akin. Good thing kasi wala naman kailangan supportahan sa both sides, we give kapag may nangangailangan sa family.

2. IN-LAWS - first impression to them is good, but never realized the extent of it until i lived with them on the same roof. In fairness with my husband, kinampihan nya ako nung nagkaroon kami ng confrontation ni BIL and MIL. 

3. WHERE WILL YOU LIVE - This, my hubby decided on it with his mother, wala akong idea na ganun ang situation. late na nung nalaman ko at nakapag decide na sya, titira kami sa bahay nila! ngayon wala kaming sariling property, living in my in-laws' house ([textspeak!] is deceased, MIL re-married and migrated in AU). hubby has a brother who is now in Saudi but we are not in good terms. Kahit na kami ang nakatira sa bahay na yun, hindi ko pa rin magawang magpa-renovate kasi nga hindi naman sa amin yun, baka biglang maghabol si BIL sa property. sayang yung gagastusin ko sa pagpapagawa ng extention ng bahay.

4. CHILDREN - from the start, i know na mahihirapan kami mag-conceive. sinabi ko na ito kay hubby before we get married. he just brushed it away, as long as magkasama daw kami. kung ilan ang ibigay sa amin ni God, tatanggapin namin. Until now that i realized, hanggang 2 lang ang kaya ng powers ko we have a 3-yr old and another on-the-way. iniisip ko na yung college nila, tuition fee, education, comfort nila. Siguro nga paranoid lang ako, kasi economically naman, kakayanin namin ni hubby.

[quinone]

i think this is very important. daming comment sa married section about wives getting worried kasi may issues sa money. i think it would be good to talk about the following money matters:

- dapat alam ng couple if isa ba sa kanila e may outstanting utang? may hindi ba nabayarang credit card/loan somewhere?
- may na-guaranteehan bang utang ng iba?
- meron bang receivable/pautang sa iba now? isa ba sa inyo ay paboritong utangan ng ibang tao? nahihirapan ba ang isa sa inyong mag "no" sa nangungutang? (ang daming ganitong issues sa married threads)
- pagsasamahin ba ninyo ang sweldo once married? if not, ano ang hatian sa gastos, maybe in %? (list possible na mga bayarin to get a realistic picture ng gastos)
- magkano ang obligation sa parents, kapatid, etc, if applicable? ito dapat mag stick sa pinag-usapan, huwag na yung "kasi kailangang-kailangan" tapos magdadagdag, pwede rin kasing abusuhin kapag pabago-bago sa amount. (ako lang ha, dapat fixed ito kahit maglulupasay pa relatives ninyo.)
- ano ang policy ninyong mag-asawa sa mga mangungutang? (ako ang advice ko sabihin na "wala kaming maipauutang ni hubby, sorry" nagiging source of pag-aaway kasi ito ng mga mag-asawa)
- magkano ang % ng sweldo na mapupunta sa savings? ilan klase ng savings? pwede kasing various savings account like emergency fund, healthcare/accidents (ex. dental expenses), house maintenance&repairs, retirement, savings for future baby, for travel, for sariling bahay, etc.
- gagawa ba ng joint account? gagawa ba ng personal account bawat isa?
- tithes

yan naisip ko so far.

[blackgreen]

Sa amin naman sis ang napagusapan pa lang, which is sana ganun talaga mangyari pag mag-asawa na.

1.  MONEY, MONEY, MONEY - Sweldo niya ang basic and daily expenses namin, sweldo ko naman lahat ang savings

2.  IN-LAWS - So far, we're good on each other's family. Andun lang yun expectation ng family niya na I will convert into their religion, but we already talked about this and we're okay kahit magkaiba kami ng faith.

3. WHERE WILL YOU LIVE - We decided na mag-rerent na lang muna kami before kami magkaroon ng sariling bahay. Both of us, ayaw namin may kasamang relatives sa bahay. Hopefully matupad.

4. CHILDREN - At the onset of our relationship, he knows that I have PCOS. We are open on the idea na mag-adopt. I am blessed na sa family nila open ang adoption so hindi siya against dun. Yun din sabi niya basta magkasama kami, okay lang.

[simang]

I believe there are a lot of other things to be talked about before getting married. It doesn't have to be a big talk na you really have to sit down and be serious about it, kase some of these things come naturally in casual conversations. I mean, some of these are spontaneous things that let you get to know your partner better.

For us, eto na mga napag usapan namin.

1. MONEY - we're sticking to our setup now. personal bills (phone, credit card) kanya kanya. Conjugal bills (rent, kuryente, etc), 50-50. A specific amount will go to our joint account, and lahat ng excess with our respective salaries will be for our own consumption, lol. So relative na din sa amin how much ang matitira for personal savings. Of course this will change when we have babies already.

2. IN LAWS - so far, we don't have problems with this. I love his family and my family loves him too. Medyo malabo yung part na we might be living with either of our families kase my side and his are in our respective provinces and both of us are Manila based. He gives a certain amount of money to his mom every month and I have no problems with that, since hindi naman sya nalelate sa personal bills nya.

3. WHERE WILL WE LIVE - we will be renting our own place near my workplace, lol. Bibili kami ng house sa hometown ko, so that pag umuuwi kami dun meron kaming sariling place. If everything goes well, magstart na kami maghulog dito on January. We're not buying our own house here in Manila lalo na we have plans of moving din naman abroad.

4. CHILDREN - I want at least 3 kids. When I told him about that, medyo nagulat sya kase most women usually like less. Kaya sobrang suportado nya ako dyan kase gusto nya din ng madami. I have PCOS and am undergoing corrective treatments now and hopefully by next year maging okay na lahat, since we really want to have babies asap, lol.

[j.adore]

Such a wonderful thread! There's so much to be talked about before getting married and yet this is missed out by some couples.

The ones listed here are just the tip of the iceberg and there's so much more in the net:
http://www.connact.com/~hom/blog/276questions.htm
http://dating.lovetoknow.com/dating-conversation-topics/100-questions-before-marriage

Di naman kailangan as in lahat pero mabuti na yung nacover di ba? Kasi importante marealize ang similarities and differences and how you can work as a couple. Better to be prepared

We started the talks (yes madami pero not super formal discussions) before and right after engagement.

[Priceless]

Two more things I want add, which are perhaps related:

5. SEX - Maybe you've "saved" yourself for marriage, or maybe you're (or your spouse is) working your way towards expert level. The point is, you need to be open with your partner on things about this, your expectations, your fears, body issues, etc.

6. (PAST) RELATIONSHIP BAGGAGE - I think we all have some kind of baggage, some people just have heavier ones than others, and some prefer to carry them around na parang krus na dala kung saan saan. You need to be open about your "past" with your spouse-to-be, and same goes for your spouse sa iyo. Alamin ang dapat alamin before marriage so you can get a full picture of what you're getting into and decide whether this is something that you are willing to accept and possibly be carrying na rin after you marry.

And yes, what Simang says, it doesn't have to be a "formal" sit down - depende na rin yun sa style ninyong dalawa. Pero there are some things talaga that need to be a "serious" discussion, at hindi tipong pang casual chit chat lang. 

[gj1206]

I personally think every couple should talk about these things before even considering marriage. Actually, before my fiance and I got engaged, we talked casually about these things. I guess parang you're feeling each other out kung pang-seryosohan ba to, o MOMOL lang!

1. MONEY - I think basically we're doing a 50-50. Might be 60-40 for conjugal bills like rent, electric, water, kase he earns more than I do. Reading this thread made me think about talking about savings! Hindi ko naisip yan. We don't have properties, but I'm definitely considering doing a postnup agreement, especially if magkaproperties kami, and lalo na if there are children. It's for my (and my future children na rin) protection, I'd like to think.

2. IN LAWS - We're all good. I always pray na we'll have good relationships with our respective in-laws. Yung hindi naman kelangan BFF close, pero hindi rin yung nakakabwiset I don't want to see them kind of relationsihp.

3. WHERE WILL WE LIVE - We know we'll be living abroad so we'll be renting our own space. Mahal to buy a property here in London! And I definitely can't see myself moving back to the Philippines. The traffic is too much, nakakaimbyerna! As for moving to Australia (where he's from), maybe. Pag retirement age na? It's so quiet and laidback there kase (and I'm talking about Sydney here, purported financial capital of Australia) I can't deal with quiet at the moment!

4. CHILDREN - We don't know, but at the moment, we're on the same page na no children any time soon. We've talked about how maybe we'll change our mind in the future, pero sa ngayon, just the thought of having one makes me stressed. Hindi pa ko ready.

[mooncake and leaves]

Great thread!

I'm not yet engaged but my boyfriend and I have been discussing a lot of these things since we're planning to get married in 2017. Anyway, these are what we have discussed so far:

1. We want 1 or 2 kids but by the time we get married, we'll be in our mid to late 30s and we understand the possibility that we might have difficulties. But it's a big NO for us to pursue other methods of conceiving and we are not open to the idea of adoption.

2. We will open a joint account for our bills and savings but we'll maintain our separate savings accounts that we have now.

3. We will save for our children's education but we'd rather they work their way to a full scholarship in college. We don't want them to drown in student debt but we also don't want them to grow up entitled.

4. We will never, ever live with other people. Kung ibabahay lang niya ako sa parents niya eh wag na kami magpakasal. Also, we want to continue liking our parents.

5. We'll probably rent for awhile then save for a home. I don't want to move a lot so I want our first house to be our house.

6. Both of us will continue to work. Neither one of us will be a stay-at-home spouse/parent, regardless of our growing needs. Come to think of it, if the needs are growing, all the more that we need all the income we can get.

7. In the event of infidelity, divorce.

I'll add more later. Naghahabol lang ako ng bus.

[juwie]

I appreciate that this threadis  in the Engagement section of GT. If you look in this section kasi, puro topics natin about suppliers, how excited we all are... pero if you browse thru the Marriage section, andaming may asawang may problema. Ayoko naman dumating sa time na dun naman ako tumitingin kasi I have marriage woes.

So TS, thanks for starting this and sisters, post away! All B2B's should be reading this thread.

[juwie]

Sharing:
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13009/7-conversations-to-have-before-you-get-married.html

[gj1206]

sis juwie, just copying and pasting a portion from that link you posted:

Handling the tough stuff

Start with this question: What were some of the worst periods in your life and how did you get through them? This will help you understand how your partner copes with tragedy and what kind of support he or she requires in a difficult situation. Next, the tough part: talk about how you'll handle major challenges, should they arise (think: emotional, physical, or financial infidelity; infertility or difficulty conceiving or life-altering health issues).

So, so important, lalo na most of us would like/want our future husbands as literal na partners. How will you support someone if you don't know how they cope? The way you deal with stress may be different from how he/she does it, and kailangan i-adjust natin ang sarili natin. Hindi porket you feel comforted this way e ganun din ang husband-to-be.

Also, this reminds me talk to mine about infidelity. I don't know about you girls, but mine kase doesn't believe/understand emotional infidelity. Sa kanya, you cheat when you've had sex with someone. Sabi ko, ano ka ba, you can cheat emotionally too noh. But he doesn't seem to understand. Girls lang ba nakaka-gets nito? Paano ba i-explain? Kase feeling ko, mas masakit for me ang emotional infidelity. Sometimes kase for guys ang sex, sex lang. Pero iba na pag may emotional connection kayo diba?

Sorry, off topic na ba? Apologies!

[z0z]

Did anyone of you were able to talk about pre-nuptial agreement?

I know this is a debatable and very sensitive topic, but I was wondering if this one ever came up with the soon to be husband and wives here.

Would you find it offensive if your partner asks you to sign one? Or are you considering having him sign one?

I think this one falls on the money talk and sadly a worst case scenario.

[la_pinay]

^ agree. has anyone here considered or pursued a prenuptial agreement? possible din post nup right?

[xxIcePrincessxx]

Somehow reading this thread makes all my problems about my wedding seem soooo trivial You're suddenly hit with the realization that it's what comes AFTER the wedding ang mas dapat pagtuunan ng pansin and proper planning. Thanks Priceless for starting this thread

As for us ni h2b, we've already set plans and hopefully masunod mga ito

1.  MONEY, MONEY, MONEY - Portions A portion of both of our salary goes to expenses, bills and day to day living expenses. Then a portion goes to our joint accounts, and a portion goes to each of our bank accounts. Expenses are cut right down the middle. Yung mga "wants" namin we pay for it, no pressure to demand it from the other person hehe.
 
2.  IN-LAWS - So far in-laws are ok on both sides.

3. WHERE WILL YOU LIVE - Gift from my parents. Hindi na sila nag share ng malaki sa wedding because they've given us the house that we're gonna be living in. Excited na si h2b and we're gonna be moving in next year

4. CHILDREN - we're planning to have kids right away sana. We're not getting any younger hehe so gusto talaga ni h2b kids na agad.  We have our bf/gf stage naman daw kase to do the things we want as a couple

5. (PAST) RELATIONSHIP BAGGAGE - haha eto work in progress! we don't fight about it naman and it's great that we're slowly learning from each other.. and there's a lot to learn

[simang]

5. SEX - We do not have any issues with this.

6. PAST RELATIONSHIP BAGGAGE - In the beginning of our relationship (and up to now) this was the least of my concerns. I never asked him about his previous relationships kase personally hindi talaga sya importante para sa akin. I am the live-in-the-moment kind of person so I literally leave my past behind, and I want to enjoy the persons that we are at present. But I guess these things can't be avoided altogether. We have talked about our relationships with our past partners and it's comforting to know na parehas kami ng mindset when it comes to these things, that the past should remain in the past. It's also very nice na itong mga bagay na to, I learned them by his just being candid and honest. Hindi ko sya kelangan pigain for answers. He openly shares these things with me. Never kami nag argue because of relationship baggages. Well, to begin with bihira naman kami mag argue talaga. Hehe.

[caterpillar-girl]

I think you should also talk about religion. My husband and I are both Catholics, pero ako ang mas practicing Catholic kaysa sa kanya. He would not go to mass kung di ko pa sya ayain. I told him, before we got married, we will be Catholics. The choice was simple really. We will have a Catholic wedding, or no wedding. Catholic kids, or no kids. Sabi ko rin ayoko mag mass magisa. When we were still dating, minsan ako lang nagmamass. Pero sabi ko, pag magasawa kami, ayoko mag mass magisa. Pumayag naman sya hehe. Now we go to mass together at wala naman kaming issues. Alam ko he goes mostly for me but I don't really mind as long as he does go. So I think it's also important to talk about these things.

[Priceless]

^Yes, RELIGION, is one of those topics din. My initial list actually is probably based on the top things na pinagmumulan ng away based on the Marriage thread, pero, depende siguro sa circumstances ninyong mag asawa and how important religion and the practice of it is, dapat nga pag-usapan.

[juwie]

I agree. Thanks for including RELIGION. We should talk to our partners about our beliefs and how it will affect our kids. Dati nagka discussion kami ni fiance about christening. We're both Catholics, pero ayaw niya kasi na binyagan agad agad yung magiging anak namin. Gusto nya, makapili yung anak namin ng sarili nyang religion when he is old enough to choose. Anyway, discussion pa rin ito sa amin, hindi pa tapos. hehe. 


At dahil sa thread na ito I started asking him about our money arrangements. We decided that our salaries (monthly income and mga raket namin- pareho kasi kami may mga sidelines) will be conjugal. Kids will be 2-3, depende sa financial stability namin.