Abused Women Support Group: Verbal, Physical, Emotional

[scorpiowolf]

Argggghhhhh!!!

So my ex hubby has been in his utmost best behavior. I can see through it though. Hes sad, lonely, and maybe going through a stage.

But i am slowly getting sucked back into it! He is his old self in treating me like a queen. Its as if hes courting me again, begging me to go on a date with him, being a softy and emotional thing by saying: "youre all i have. Youre my best friend. I need you." He been wanting to fix things thats why I am sure hes putting his best foot forward. Hes using all the lines and tactics he knows have gotten through me in the past. HEs using his "best friend" approach and is slowly trying to chip my wall down.

Thing is. HEs EVEN GOING TO MY THERAPIST on wed!! As in he said he wants to go through therapy to sort his issues and if he really has NPD (Narcissistic Personaluty Disorder).

I dunno! I dont want to be stupid about it. I know he wont change, He maybe even baiting me right now by PRETENDING he wants to go to therapy so that he can fix things with me. 

I dunno, at this point I dont want to think about it, But I am getting sucked back into it. I used to not even think about him so much in a day anymore, and now Im starting to think abt him and miss him again. Arrggghhh IM SO DOOMED. I have to stay away. Although I am trying my very best to exercise my self control. I even Had a good long talk with him telling him that we cant be "friends" the way he wants to be. And that he cant keep texting me random, chatty things.

Arghhh I dunno! I guess time will just tell if hes really serious about getting help and wanting to change... not for me.... but for himself. In the mean time. I dont know what to do!!! He keeps saying lang something to the effect that if I really love him, and if he really has an NPD problem, then why am I walking away daw? If I reakky loved him, then shouldnt I stick around daw to help him through the recovery in wanting to be a better man?

I know the smart thing is to avoud him like the plague. But darn, I have soooooo much fun with him. That one "date" I agreed to go to was like the best days. Exactly how things were when we were madly in love.

But I know, i know, its not real. HE HAS A PROB. and things wont change. I guess I just have to keep reminding myself.

PLease help me! do i keep the door open for him and try to be friends with him and see if hes going to therapy for real? OR should I stay away bec in the end, if he really wants to sort himself out he will get therapy for himself even if Im not in contact with him. That way Ill see whether hes doing the therapy for show or if hes serious in realizing he needs help.

OR maybe well just be like this for the rest of out lives. Be friends, see each other occasionally, be there for each other. After all, we were always better friends, and lovers, then we were husband and wife. Maybe we are better off this way, when we have the best of each other, but just better off not living under one roof.

[late_bloomer]

^I think you should just prioritize yourself first. 

Take things slowly, then baka possible pa nga na magchange sya.  Wala naman siguro masama if you maintain your friendship d b?  For the sake of your son.  Pero to move in back again?  Hindi na siguro muna. Give yourself some time to heal, and not go back sa situation mo before.  Maybe in a few years time, baka gusto mo i-consider ulit, but the problem is how you can tell, say in 5 years time, kung nagbago na nga sya o hindi?   

[venetian]

Hi everyone, maraming salamat aquacharly, paulo and betrayed sa mga encouraging words, you're all right i shouldn't give up on myself. Thanks for the support.

Sis scorpiowoulf, I guess this is one of the really really decision you'll face, to let him back in your life as a partner or to stay as friends. At least you have made big progress, acknowledging there's something wrong in being the receiving end of the abuse, grieving about it then moving forward and seeking help.  Di ba in psych, there's 5 stages of coping with loss-denial, anger, bargaining, depression then acceptance.  I think Im still in the denial ,anger and depression phase.  I dare not say my problems to anyone for fear of failure. I am in big denial, it's eating me alive.  I am angry to my partner and to myself, why cant we just be at peace and be without issues.  But relationships dont work that way, I guess.

Sis, I am happy for you that you had somehow found yourself again, although not completely yet. It's a journey, a very long one for that matter, I think.  I envy you, your strength, your courage.  I wish I have the same audacity to do what you have done. I know youre being hopeful, like most of us would want to be. Whatever decision you make though, know in your heart that you're a strong person and can face all that the world throws at you. Good luck.

aquacharly, do you think rose yenko can do telephone sessions? I am willing to wire her the payments. I just dont know where to start.  Definitely not thru counselling here -did that and it failed. Please email me and let me know her number, if you dont mind.

[jaanaei]

its been almost 2 years since i left my ex bf who has emotionally,verbally and physically abused me but coz of the extreme pain, i just cant move on. when i left him,after a year, nakipagkita sha uli,just to inform me of the sexual relations he had w his 15 year old daughter..and na natupad na pangarap nya..he also had a 15 yr old gf from CSA(san agustin)..i havent fully healed yet,but still knausap ko sha.i still loved the guy. i deleted all contact info abt him,then months later..i received a text message fr him,and he told me his tita died.i wasnt particularly close to that family member,but out of respect,i sent abuloy(cash)and he wanted to get it fr me personally.i agreed. he told me to go to Gapo for the wake.I was on the way na,when he again bragged about his 15 y/o gf..na the kid was there..na i should not tell anyone na yun ang gf nya..na the kid was "nagpaganda"pa coz she knew i was arriving..i freaked out.i left the bus right there and then,even if i was laden w pasalubongs for the family. i dunno why he had to tell me those things pa,and when he knew i wasnt going,he said natatakot lang daw ako makita yun"baby" gf nya..and alot more of his usual hurtful words.i may still love him,but i love myself too. he'd just be using me as a front,so he could continue his despicable ways. i want to move on..but the words..keep coming back.

[betrayed0403]

^again sis? he had a sexual encounter with his 15 year old daughter? did i get it right? i think you have to let go of him na... imagine him raping your own daughter later on! scary!!!!

letting go is difficult... pero kung ganyang klaseng tao naman... i think he'll make the job for you easier... get back to your senses, sis!

[Paulo]

he'd just be using me as a front,so he could continue his despicable ways. i want to move on..but the words..keep coming back.

Is this guy more of a Pervert than say ..... someone who is just barbaric? .... I never thought I'd see the day when Barbaric would seem more tolerable.

There's a pretty good chance he's just being his perverted self and "gets off" making you squirm.

Just ignore the sicko. The less airtime you give him the better for you.

[Paulo]

^^^
On second thought .... Do your civic duty and report the sick pervert to the authorities. At the very least, he needs to be admitted to a mental institution.

[late_bloomer]

^ yan nga ang ma-s-suggest ko.  isumbong sa pulis.  He is sick.  Mga taong ganyan hindi pinapansin at kelangan isumbong s proper authorities - if not the police, it should be the mental hospital.

[diwata]

May mga tao yata talagang prone sa sexual abuse... isa na yata ako dun. Imagine my 14 year old cousin whose 10 years younger than me minamanyak ako while I was asleep! He's still a minor kaso mas malaki talaga siya sa akin at mukha kasi akong bata... hindi ko tuloy alam kung paano ako magrereact...

[Paulo]

The kid's 14. He was most likely curious. Most boys his age are as curious as they are horny. Unfortunately, he is as brave and daring as he is horny too. Now brave, daring, and Horny is not a good combination. I think since he crossed the line with you, you're in the best position to call his attention and perhaps give him the necessary guidance.

He needs to be told off. He needs to understand that there are limits to what he can exercise when in such a state. Just like all the other boys his age, he needs to be taught how to handle his urges appropriately. Imagine if he has the guts to have his way with a tita who is 10 years his senior. How would he handle girls his age or maybe even younger? If you want to prevent that, then now is the perfect time to make a difference.

May mga tao yata talagang prone sa sexual abuse... isa na yata ako dun.

Although that statement of yours does have a sensible basis to it, I think it's unfair to accept that some people are abused or prone to abuse because they look like the "type". I mean, what's the type? Innocent? Timid looking? Easy to manhandle? The thing is, I think the abusers are the ones that need to be tagged with a "type" and not their victims.

.... Then again, if you can change the way you look, or Send Signals, then all the better.

[diwata]

The kid's 14. He was most likely curious. Most boys his age are as curious as they are horny. Unfortunately, he is as brave and daring as he is horny too. Now brave, daring, and Horny is not a good combination. I think since he crossed the line with you, you're in the best position to call his attention and perhaps give him the necessary guidance.

He needs to be told off. He needs to understand that there are limits to what he can exercise when in such a state. Just like all the other boys his age, he needs to be taught how to handle his urges appropriately. Imagine if he has the guts to have his way with a tita who is 10 years his senior. How would he handle girls his age or maybe even younger? If you want to prevent that, then now is the perfect time to make a difference.

Although that statement of yours does have a sensible basis to it, I think it's unfair to accept that some people are abused or prone to abuse because they look like the "type". I mean, what's the type? Innocent? Timid looking? Easy to manhandle? The thing is, I think the abusers are the ones that need to be tagged with a "type" and not their victims.

.... Then again, if you can change the way you look, or Send Signals, then all the better.

Paulo, I am super boyish and most of the time mistaken as a tomboy because of the way I dress and how I act. I'm not the feminine type. I can't stop myself from thinking this way because this cousin of mine is not the only guy in the family who attempted sexual advancements. My father, 2 uncles and an older cousin did, too when I was still in elementary and high school. Imagine that?! Good thing I was not raped or no major physical damage was done to me. But these memories haunt me in my dreams and waking hours. Funny thing was it haunted me when I was in college already when I was already aware of what sexual abuse or harassment mean. The damage was inside. Hay...

And as for my 14 year old cousin, I don't know how to deal with it. He was my closest cousin before this happened. He was even my favorite cousin! Irritating. I used to be a daddy's girl before all these happened

[trinity8]

I think you should tell your cousin that what he's doing is not appropriate.  Maybe, as Paolo said, being 14, he might be curious.  There are a lot of reasons that we can think of why he did that but then again, it's still not right.  As the older one, I think you should guide him and tell him about these things.  Baka tumanda siya thinking that it's ok do such things.

Anyway, sis scorpiowolf, i've been meaning to text you but haven't gotten around to doing so as i've been so swamped at work.  been trying to keep busy and so far it's been working.  sometimes though i have the occasional sad moments but i'm surviving....surprisingly.  but do expect a text message from me one of these days....hehe.  about your situation, it's easy to be drawn back to the same situation with the same person all because sometime in your life, things were really great.  but i think we deserve a break from all of these things...to kind of take stock of what we have, what we missed, and what the possibilities are....right?

i tried getting in touch with my partner and we saw each other last weekend.  i thought everything was going to be fine and i would see a change but that was it, just wishful thinking.  he's still the same and he thinks that it's a big thing that i was able to see him.  our daughter though, missed him as she was so clingy to him while we were out....hay nako.  and yes i do admit, i was the one who asked to see him because i wanted him to see our daughter. 

i just want to thank aquacharly, scorpiowolf, and paolo for the words of wisdom and support.  i've been coming out of that dark hole that i've put myself into and somehow i've regained some lost ground.  it's a long way out of the hole but there's that glimmer of light at the end that seems to be getting nearer.  i hope i can be strong enough to reach it and eventually move on.

[diwata]

trinity8, oo nga eh. alam ko dapat pagsabihan siya. pero paano? sa text? harap-harapan? hindi ko alam...

[trinity8]

i think it would be better na harapan na lang kayo mag-usap para at least he knows that you mean what you're saying.  does anyone in your family know about this?  you may want to ask them to help you out as to how you can go about talking to him.  at his age kasi it's kinda hard to think of the right approach. 

[diwata]

^ Sa kapatid kong lalaki siguro? Ewan ko... I'm so broken because of this. Hindi ko matanggap...

[Paulo]

It would be better for an older, adult male to be the one to talk to your nephew, but you can raise the "lecture" just the same because he did make a pass at you. And I'm sorry to have to cite this Diwata, but with what you shared, it seems that your male relatives are Breeding Molesters instead of Teaching Kids what is right and curbing what is wrong. I could be wrong though, but if I were you, since you yourself have experienced the raw end of such evil practice, wouldn't this be a chance for you to make a difference?

Do you know why the weaker, more evil sexual offenders prey on their own relatives? Because 1) they're a few notches more cowardly than the normal coward happens to be. 2) Because they can bank on the victims' reaction to deny that they've been violated by the very people they love and supposedly loves them back.

Yung sinasabi mong mahirap tanggapin is exactly why the violation goes on.

Perhaps there's nothing more you can do for your older uncles and cousins (but send them to jail? Or an institution to correct their evil habits?) but that 14 year old boy still has the chance to grow up the way a young man ought to. His would-be GFs, Wife, and even would-be Daughters will surely benefit from it.

Teenage boys will talk about sex. They'll experiment. They're all sexually curious. They'll think of sex as nothing more than an act. .... At some point in their lives they will keep on thinking of it as nothing more than an act. But what we're trying to prevent is for them to use such line of thinking into an aggressive act of dominance, treachery and the violation of another individual's rights. Sex may be sex. But sex should not be evil. Sexual urges are dictates of our animal side but that doesn't mean we should act like animals. This early is his life he should understand that it is wrong and there's that thing called "the other person's right". If this kid reaches adulthood with such false sense of what he has the right to do when he gets a boner, he could be a full pledged sexual offender.

[diwata]

Paulo, I am not offended that you said that because I feel the same way for them. In fact, I think my brother is gay because something was done to him by my uncles. I don't know... instinct lang... Pag-iisipan ko pang mabuti kung papaano ko sasabihin sa cousin kong minor. Nagkakaroon na ako ng hate feelings sa kanya...

[primadona12]

HI SIS diwata any update?
its been more or less a fortnight.
i pray you get to tell off your cousin
with whats happened to you you dont need another cross to bear
confronting him will liberate you.
(just a bit but it'll still be liberating)
that somehow you were able to stand up for yourself sis.
youll be doing yourself and the kid a huge favor
for your male relative i pray for them.

and for sis scorpiowolf
your situation is really a catch22
damned if you go back damned if you dont
my advise youve gone so far why go back?
based on my experience when men want you back they will promise you heaven and earth but once your there all promises eventually go out the window.
so take your time. if he loves you he will have therapy and help.
let him go through that first and get him "healed" as much as possible first.


blessings to all the tough and brave women here
kudos to you all

[diwata]

^ I haven't done anything yet. Eversince it happened, I've moved out of their house. I'm living in a boarding house now. It's been 2 weeks since I last visited my cousins. I still don't know how to tell him... We're not a serious family. If something happens, we just stay silent. We don't talk about it. I just want to kill the kid.

[qt_chick17]

same sitch here.. a victim of an emotionally abusive relationship..but then i just can't get out of it...so what should i do?i wanted to reach out too.