Abused Women Support Group: Verbal, Physical, Emotional

[aquacharly]

PAOLO,  that was a perfectly realistic "take".   God bless you.

What really wounds the heart is that the person we love, and expect to protect and cherish us turns out to be -- the enemy,  and worst, "the enemy within". 

You know why women stay in abusive relationships?  Because of HOPE.

Yes, the abuser is such an expert at manipulating the abused's capacity to hope.
A string of abuse, then a period of peace/ceasefire.  Abused thinks:  "Oh he is so good and contrite when he does not have a tantrum.  Pagdadasal ko magbago.  I will try to be better, parang hindi na magagalit. bleh bleh bleh"  Such bullsh*t!
"HOPE KILLS!" is what I say. 

It is only you, the abused, who can stop the abusive script.  Kahit na your whole barangay and family + friends line up to get you out,  if you do not make the decision yourself for yourself -- babalikan at babalikan mo pa that trahedya.

I have been there and done that, done some and more than survived.
What can I tell our mga Sis caught in these sad relationships?

    1.  Pray      Pray and say:  "Thy will be done."
                     Do not strike a deal with God; do not ask for an outcome
                             (as in "gawin nyo pong mabait si X" or
                              "gawin nyo po akong viuda with a new car"   LOL)
     
    2.  Talk to someone COMPETENT (kasi hindi okay "the blind leading the blind"),
         NON-JUDGMENTAL (kasi puede pa ba yang "till death do us part" or "patience
         is a virtue" --   eh girl, pinapatay ka na nga -- physically or emotionally);  and
         OBJECTIVE (meaning, does not know you from Adam/Eve so hindi ka
          makaka hear ng mga ganito, for example:
                  "Ano?!  Ang charming ang bait ng husband mo, pano nag ka ganun?!
             or even:  Ano?!  Ang sarap sarap ng buhay mo,  at least you are
                            suffering in comfort!  (Narinig ko yan from my own mom,
                            hindi ko alam at that moment if I wanted to bang her head or
                            mine, honestly. )                   

Mga Sis, some of your posts here really felt heavy on my heart.
I hope you will not take it against me that I PM'd some of you (before this post na ayaw kong gawin kasi I have to go back to relive some of the past)  to please set an appointment with  ROSE YENKO  asap.  She is competent, objective, and non-judgmental. 
My advocacy is to help, in any way,  women in abusive relationships.

I believe God engineered I meet Rose shortly before the tsunami of my life hit in 2006.   Actually,  I knew the tsunami was coming -- but a husband is of of course a male that will always deny, deny, deny while putting me through abuse, abuse, abuse.  Rose made me see clearly what I was, where I was and what I let myself become. And she helped me sort out by myself, for myself what my options were -- and what I wanted for myself.  So when the tsunami hit -- I was not 1 of the beach bathers who drowned.  Instead, I was 1 of the elephants nakatakbo to higher ground for self preservation. 

Mga Sis,  my husband changed totally.  Miracle talaga!
He is now so patient and loving, everyday. 
He is no longer abusive, he is trustworthy na (sabi nya, sige).
Ang bagong script nya eh:  I have devoted and continue to devote my life to my family, at hindi ako ang sisira nito.  I will make you (ako yon ha!  ), and ikaw lang and the kids as even before pa, happy for the rest of our lives.
Ganon ka corny, mga Sis,  but he lives it every single day.

But I will still tell you --yes, pray but DO NOT HOPE for miracles.  If God gives you 1, fine -- He gives you what is in your best interest in the long run.  But do not wait and wait and wait for it.  God helps those who help themselves.  Waiting and waiting is not  helping yourself.

Sa mga Sis na hindi ko na PM -- if you are ready to get some relief -- to see yourself and where you are truthfully and clearly ---  if you want to make that 1st small step PAOLO hinted at --  go to Rose Yenko.  PM me and I will give you her contact numbers.  Tell her your new friend AquaCharly will pay for your 1st session (1 hour).  Mga Sis,  sometimes all we need is just 1 hour with a person like Rose.  So please go.

Anytime you should decide you want to go see Rose -- kahit na next year kung hindi ka pa ready now -- do not hesitate to namedrop me with Rose. 
In the meantime,  remember that it is only ourselves who should define ourselves.  Know yourself so that nobody will have the power over your peace of mind.   Nobody has the right to demean nor be cruel to you.     

Mga Sis,  an hour with Rose is a valuable gift you can give yourself,  believe me.

God bless us all, mga Sis. 
O sige, pati si PAOLO -- God bless Paolo.
(hwag ka mapikon ha, heavy na on the heart kasi the postings here.   




,

[Paulo]

^
And THAT, is more than the usual Lip Service ....

You're a good person, Aquacharly.

[scorpiowolf]

sis aquachalie:


I started this thread alast year. To make a long story short, Im still in the same mess. I fear I am slowly slipping into the cycle of an abusive relationship and it is only becoming WORSE.

My storu is as simple as how it was described by Paolo and our other sisses.

I just really need ouside and objective help right now. Im acting more and more stupid. Ive come to a point where ive noticed the more abusive the relationship is, the more dependent I am on  him. The more abusive my hisband gets, the more scared I am to leave bec I feel Ill never survive without him. OR that who would want me after being separated, worthless, and full of sad stories. That im a jinxed soul.

Please sis, the abuse is slowly eating me up. Part of my is crying to GET OUT now while I can. PArt of me wants to hate me for being weak and stupid for not breaking away and protecting myslef. Yet another part of me cant leave him bec I am simply too afraid of my unknown fate and heartache being separated from a seemingly good marriage. And the dumbest part of me simply longs for him when I do attempt to leave him. I'M getting to be sooooo STUPID already about this. I understand whats going on but its just sooooooo difficult to break away. I do love my husband and Im still hopeful. But oh my god, I know its sounds so very typical of an abused woman who cant think straight due to years of being manipulated.

Thats why I need help. PLease sis may I have the number of ROSE YENKO? Please PM me. I tried to PM you but couldnt. I will share more with everyone maybe when Im thinking more clearly. Its very emotional for me bec this is the 3rd time we are both trying to separate in the last 2 years.And I am so tired of bring stupid bec even If im not at fault Im  still the one trying to patch things up.

PLease sis I really need help. Thank God the last few fights were all severe verbal abuse (ie making me kneel in front of him to say sorry which i refused to do anyway) and only very slight physical abuse i.e. pushing... But a few months back was quite a serious physical abuse situation. As I had ,yself secretly checked in the ER the next day. I wasnt really injured but the bruises we quite bad as I fell on the floor several times. But I did that more as a precaution. Just in case I need a medico legal later at least I have a medical record with the hospital. Im trying to play it safe bec ill never know when Ill be needing that in any unfortunate event of an annulment, or (knock on wood) custody case. I just regret not going to the ER for all the times I got bruised. I feel so much safer that I have a public record of my bruises.

So anyway sis aquacharlie please PM my the number of Rose Yenko. THANKS!!!! and lets keep praying for each other. May God protect us all in our most vaulnerable moments; and may God give us the strenght and guidance to do what has to be done.

[aquacharly]

^ Dear, dear, Sis SCORPIOWOLF -- I PM'd you already before my posting.  Now I am so worried that my other PMs to the other Sis did not reach them. 

Will PM you again.  Please take care of yourself. 
Do not call yourself stupid -- kasi even if we are intelligent women, when we encounter such a heartbreaking set-up  -- na kung sino pa yung mahal natin and we take care of (who is supposed to protect and cherish us ) -- is the "enemy within"  pa! -- talagang it is hard to think!  Kasi mabait tayo so we give all kinds of excuses for the meanness.   But we should also stop the cruelty to us,  and not continue the script.

Sis,  it is not the abused who has issues.  It is the abuser who needs release, and turns on us.  Hwag natin akuhin ang hindi natin kasalanan.   He is what he is because of himself and his issues and past;  he did not become like that because of what you are -- please keep that in mind.

Do not please please please think that you are worthless, that nobody else will look at you in the future. Maling mali yan.  The abuser kasi does everything to make you think you are 1inch tall lang.  But that is not your reality.  Tandaan mo ito -- kahit na (which is never the case for women) wala kang ginawa but to stay at home and sleep the whole day --- you are entitled to 1/2 of everything he owns, kahit na ba sya lang ang nag work.  Kaya do not be afraid of the future. 

Kaya mga Sis,  habang hindi nyo pa linalayasan yang abuser nyo -- if you are legally married to him -- get xerox copies of TCTs, bank accounts, whatever valuable property.  Pati paycheck nya gets kayo ng xerox copy.  Seal in an envelope and have a trusted friend or family member keep it for you while you are still living with him.

Thank you for inspiring me further Sis.  I will try to get a complete what-to-do list for abused women.  What to do, where to go -- so we can post it here.  Marami na ganyan alam ko, but it appears nobody is posting it here for quick reference.  Hope one of the Sis is able to help us out on this,

Oo nga pala -- try to read the Family Code -- that was the advice given to me by a well-known lawyer (God bless her too!).

Take care Sis. Pray to God His Will be Done.  Ask for guidance and courage. 
I will also pray for you.  Sis,  call Rose asap.  If you have any problems getting to her office -- PM me asap.  Gawan natin ng paraan.  God bless! 

Please go to Rose asap.  I will call her to fit you in her schedule kaagad. 
Her office is in Makati on N Garcia St. (formerly Reposo).

Please check my PM to you again. 

[scorpiowolf]

sis aquachaly: got your pm sis, thanks soooo much!! I just dont know why I still cant PM you. Sis, is she a psychiatrist or a social worker? I am just curious. Regardless, I will give it a call.

I am out of sorts because my husband ie expecting me to come home soon. If not today, tommorow. Its partly my fault bec I called him after we both left our home, and I was being my usual nice, apologetic self.

 Part of me want to fix things so I can get on with my life  but I know it will happen again. Especially bec this time around he doesnt even think that he did anything wrong to me. But in reality, what happened was that he went into a rage after having found out that I called thw wife of one of his friends who has also become a friend of mine. HE thinks she isnt a good influence, bec im so impressionable daw and that everytime I talk to her feeling ko na daw hes doing all these things (not abuse related) that he doesnt even do. After that hee went into verbal rage, calling me stupid, cheap, sluty, a liar, that he will leave me, that hes unhappy, that he hates me etc etc etc words like "babasakin ko tong hawak ko sa ulo mo" just to anger me.

I dunno ba talaga!!!! My family is so anti-separation and thats part of the reason why its really hard for me to leave. I dont want to disappoint them although My parents know that I was physically abused once, they told him never to do it again or ibalik nalang niya ako sa kanila. He hasnt hurt me in that way since that time, which is only a few months back, but it doesnt mean I dont have to suffer his rages which is just as humiliating.

Im already so humiliated in the building where we live. As in people have been talking bec they hear my husband screaming and cursing his head off with me. the verbal abuse is like non other bec he really has a way of making you feel like an animal. He has no respect whatsoever as he will reprimand me in public or in front of our friends. But when hes ok... when were ok... we appear solid, and even prople whi havent heard chismis abt our problems are envious of out seeminly ideal marriage and family life.

I have given up telling my mother-in-law bec she wont/ cant do a thing about it. The last time I told her about it I dont even think she bothered to really try to reprimand her son. She just says it in passing that "basta wag ka mananakit" BTW, Im  not sure if my MIL has ever been physically abused, but she is still definitely being verbally abused even at their ripe old age of retirement. I look at her and think id rather DIE that end up living her life. But I still seem stuck and cant get out.

My last question is that, is there ever really any hope for an abuser to change? I know chances are slim, but im just wondering. Bec the tragedy of it is that I do love my husband, for all his kind moments, for the times he was giving and generous... I used to tell myslef Ill slowly try to detach and wait till i fall out of love and see the abuse for jus the abuse... but i see that that doesnt work. Bec I feel im just slipping deeper into the cycle.

Anyway thanks sis again for all your advice. Now, I will definitely get our CTCs secretly photocopied. even the bank accounts, so I have a list of all the accounts and bank details.  Although I know mahirap habulin ang bank account bec money is can easily be moved around. Anyway thanks sooooooooo much!!! I was going to suggest that we all meet and get together. but I know thats now doable for us women in these relationships. I dunno how I would ever be able to hide it for my husband. Thanks and God Bless US.

[Paulo]

My last question is that, is there ever really any hope for an abuser to change? I know chances are slim, but im just wondering.

Yes. Even abusive men can change. Although the process of changing them is as difficult as correcting a full blown drug habit. ... Or I think it is. I'm no expert in that so I can only tell you how I see it. But here's the thing ..... Before an abused Spouse/GF/Partner will be in a position to help their abusers, they have to help themselves first. You can't be objective much more an effective help until you snap out of the "abuse shock" you endured. You've got to get back your bearings first. Or perhaps work on "completing yourself" once more. Recapture that Whole Self the abuse has stolen away from you. Only then, will you be in a position to correct your partner's abusive nature. Or for a more interesting twist, ... Only then will you be able to help others.

First things first, work on helping yourself. .... And would you believe that even that is for the best interest of whatever is left in your relationship? Yes, it is.

Good luck!

[scorpiowolf]

^^ Paulo, what you said is very inspiring. I will really keep in mind what everyone here has advised me. Thank you, I dont know what to say. But, things seem much clearer when someone else gives you advice form a different perspective, with simple and practical steps. I know though that the journey will be difficult and everything is always easier said than done. But I realize that taking small concrete and practical actions, is better than continuing to be passive. I should do this while Ive only been married a few years, while I still have some guts left, and hopefulness left in me to turn to others for advice and help.

Maybe it might take years, months for everything to unfold; and I dont know at this point what to expect. But surely whatever steps I take in seeking help will certainly prepare me more than I am now, with whatever can/will happen.

Thanks so much for everything. I just hope I can keep this from my husband bec he will majorly flip again if he finds out. Im hoping to slowly prepare myslef emotionally, psychologically, and financially for whatever outcome... be in to finally separate, or otherwise.

[betrayed0403]

^sis, i really don't know if you'll find comfort in my story. i replied to your post last year...
i've been married for 15 years. i've gone through the "normal" course of abuse. meaning, i allowed myself to be abused... then, dream that someday, he'll change- ask for forgiveness, repent and love me more.
you would not believe it... but 3 days (yes, 3 days) after our wedding, i was slapped by my husband. that was the first hand that slapped me. i was never slapped by anyone in my entire life! reason? i want to eat something else (i was pregnant that time)... he got irritated when i don't want to eat the "kare-kare" his aunt cooked. 

we have the same predicament. my family wouldn't rubber stamp a separation.. especially with me... it was my punishment: i didn't finish my medical course and got married to a guy who's not even financially stable that time.

i suffered in silence. when things got worse, i told my friends. first, they listened to me. and later on, my stories irritated them. thank God, i have 2 friends who stood by me. as the saying goes, you will know who your true friends are when you're at your lowest.

i got everything---emotional, verbal, physical and psychological abuses. i remember, lagi nga ko naka-long sleeves before eh... hehe to hide the bruises... i was a plain housewife then with 3 kids to look after for --- no maid, no yaya. i'm financially incapacitated. i was so ashamed to ask for my mom's help.. fine, if she'll give me money... in short, parang wala na akong nakikitang light at the end of the tunnel! as in... the biggest blow i got from him: he had another girl!

you know, walang gabi na hindi ako umiiyak... tanong ako ng tanong sa mga tao kung pangit ba ako... kung mukha na ba akong matanda... i was so pathetic! siguro, kung wala akong anak, bumigay ako eh..  baka wala pa sa 1/4 'yang pain mo compared to me... i suffered for 13 YEARS!

i remember, a friend told me: 'yong first hit, victim daw talaga ako... but when i allowed him to hit me again after that, i became a volunteer.

GOD IS SOOO GOOD. Tama talaga... when you pray and when you lift everything to Him... He'll take charge. my marriage isn't close to perfection... but we can feel that God is doing something... slowly... but surely! we're blessed emotionally, spiritually, physically (people would tell both of us that we look better and younger now than before ) and financially.

now, i can say that my husband is God's gift to me. yes, he gave me hurts and pains.. but those built my character. sometimes talaga, we have to go through a period of unhappiness eh... para when the time comes na we feel happy, we can savor every inch of it.

and for the record, GOD NEVER GIVES LOUSY GIFTS.

sis, pray... pray... pray... and ask God to take charge. you can't do it alone.

so, whether you stay or leave--- if you ask God's guidance, you will never go wrong.

[scorpiowolf]

^^ Thank you sis Betrayed. I thank God how there are people out there like you and aquacharly and paulo who are so kind, and inspiring, and compassionate.

I know, you wrote to me the first time I posted here. You sharing your story with me makes me feel that I am not alone. Sis, how did you make the turnaround in your marriage happen?

I would reallty like to know how I can steer this marriage in the right direction if possible and if God permits it. In my case we went through marriage counselling after our 2nd seoaration last year, Honestly it did a lot of good to our marrige. HE made a lot of new committments to me. Unfortunately, although the infidelity has not re-occured, the abuse was never solved by the counselling.

Also I have been very depressed lately bec my husband has been blowing up at me for very innocent things. I can truly see that he feels stifled and unhappy and has said he is no longer honoring the groundrules weve set for our marriage after counselling. i.e he promised to not go out with his friends anymore without welcoming me too, will answer all my calls, will never hide his phone. In all fairness to him he really has been adhering to those. But recently he changed his mind re the going out with friends issue. IAlthough I admit it was unhelthy and I told him I understood his need for space.

The thing is, I dont understand how me can be so mean and hurtful even if somehow our marriage is more God-centered. At least now we never miss sunday mass. And at one time shortly after our counselling he even asked that we pray together everyday. This if course died out... and I cant force the guy if he doesnt want to. But I dont understand is that evenduring these times we would sit together and pray, HE NEVER overcame his intense temper and rages.

I know though that God will help me. I just need to keep my faith strong and steadfast. I know also, that I MUST HELP MYSELF. Whatever that means. Im still trying to sort myself out. First thing on my list is to be more financially independent. Although Im still exploring my options with regard to that.

Never in my life did I ever imagine my married life would be like this. I had it so easily when I was growing up. i had the most loving parents. I was given every opportunity by being sent to the best schools, and exposed to travel at an early age. I was taught over and over again by my mom to look for a man who is kind, very much in-love with me, who is respectful, and compassionate.

MAybe I was blinded with love thats why I overlooked all the warning signs when were still just dating i.e. the shouting and cursing. But I had no idea he would be this cruel to his wife. Little did I know that I was marrying into a family with a history of extreme verbal abuse. I dunno, but perhaps he just expects me to keep taking and taking and taking it bec he grew up with his own mother doing exactly that till this very day.

Sis, I will pray for you and all the people here who have gone through so much; because I know the pain is a lifelong struggle to get past. Sis, please also do share how you were able to make the turnaround in your marriage. What do I do first aside from getting outside help? THANKS SO MUCH!

[lilac19]

Hello sisses...i don't always post comments here in GT...but when I saw this thread, I felt that I need to share my experience and maybe take some pieces of advise from some of you....here it goes...

My husband and I lived in for almost four years before we decided to get married last Feb 12 2005. Even before we got married, I was already physically and verbally abused...not to mention the emotional stress that comes afterward...but I was really not physically abused in a way, that I got bruises all over, but enough to give me pain for the entire day...I was thankful that the physical abuse did not last that long. It was actually the effect of steroids in the vitamins that he was taking before (i'd rather not mention it i guess...)Then the usual thing among relationships happened. He is seeing another girl...a girl from the same department store he also works in. I was totally left in the dark for the first 3 weeks of it. Then I guess, binagabag siya ng sarili niyang conscience...he confessed the said deed. I was too shocked to react. I just cried and cried, asking him what did I do wrong in our relationship to make him look for another girl. I was so hopeless that time kasi I don't have a job, I'm just a plain housewife doing what plain housewives would normally do. He cannot really explain why he did the deed in the first place. All that he could ever say was that, hindi siya ang naunang lumapit, yung girl daw. In short, after a "sorry" and apologies, I decided to give him a second chance which I think was quite fair at that time. And so it goes...life went on for both of us..he resigned from the job that he is also in with the girl just to make the girl stop bugging him. Then after a few months he had another job offer...and life went on smoothly for the both of us...yun ang akala ko...

October 2004, he resigned from his job...due to family problems...he was unsuccessful finding another job. January 2005, I decided to apply for a job, after three years of taking care of him and our son, he finally agreed with me to find a job instead. In a short span of one week, I was hired in one of the biggest call centers in the Philippines. After 6 months, I was confirmed for regularization...on the other hand, he was still unsuccessful on finding a job...that's when the emotional and verbal abuse really started. He was always very moody because I understand that he does not want to just be left at home and take care of our son. He would also accuse me that I have changed a lot...from what I look and what I wear. The thing is, I really went on a diet before I decided to apply for a job...because I look so "manang" for the past three years since I gave birth...kaya diet galore talaga ako...So ayun... after a few more accuses, sorry naman siya ng sorry...which I accepted naman...(nga pala kasal na kami nitong mga panahon na to ha...)So ayun...living happily ever after na naman kami...he's back to his old self again...Then dumating ako sa point ng buhay ko na,  hindi ko na feel lagi maki-pag "do" sa kanya... I don't know why...pero siguro it has something to do with the stress that I am undergoing right now...

In short, nawawalan nako talaga ng gana maki pag "do" sa kanya...It's not that I don't love him, pero sa nature ng work ko, at sa dami ng iniisip kong problema sa bahay, malayo na sa isip ko yung gusto nya...He does not have work pa din kasi e...kaya paulit ulit lang ang mga tantrums niya about the whole I'm-earning-money-thing...nakakasawa na...parang di niya naiisip na, sobrang stressed na ako sa mga nangyayari sa buhay namin...imagine nyo ha, gastos ko lahat sa bahay...kuryente, tubig, house rent, pag kailangan ng nanay ko ng pera, hindi ako lagi makatanggi...ang hirap...di naman sobrang laki ng paycheck ko...actually hindi na nga siya enough ngayon kasi mag-aaral na ang anak namin...so talagang hirap na hirap ako sa budgetting...tapos eto pa siya, ginagawang malaking issue ang pagtanggi ko sa pakikipag - "do" ko sa kanya...paulit ulit nalang, he keeps on accusing me that I have another guy here in the office...sawang sawa nako talaga! I never even thought of making patol to another guy kahit na ganun siya sa akin. I'ts so unfair talaga mga sis...gusto ko na siya hiwalayan sa totoo lang...hindi din ako takot na mawala siya sa akin...kaya ko na wala siya...kaya lang iniisip ko ang anak ko...ngayon pa na may isip na siya...ang hirap i-explain...

I just hope that he still has a bit of a conscience to understand me. It's not even my fault why I'm feeling this way towards the said "thing". Why do I need to be treated like this if I'm not in the mood to "do" it? I really feel so bad. Paulit ulit nalang kasi yung situation...pag umayaw ako makipag - "do" lalabas na may iba akong lalaki...so unfair diba??!!    

[scorpiowolf]

hello everyone. Im here trying not to cry. If you had been reading my posts the last few days then ull know that I havent been going home to our place. Anyway, I just got back home an  hour ago. And my ever-so-"lovable" husband greeted me with a stern "saan ka pumunta kagabi."

He then cross examined me over and over again. called my mom's house , cross examined my maid. Called my friend and cross examined her too. I told him the truth about where I went and where I was at all the days I had left home. And once more... here we go again. He is angry. Angry bec I am raring to go out daw when we have problems. Hes angry bec last thurs when I went out with my girl-friend, one of her guy friends followed. And hes angry bec Supposedly I have manipulated him in making him pagbawal to go out daw when its ME daw who has a problem going out. So from now on (while cursing me) I have no right daw to make pakialam his wherabouts, his pgone, who hes with, whether may girls yung friends nya mag follow BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

IM SOOOOOOOO angry!!!! As I am writing this I am using all my will to stop myslef from barging into the room of my son where my husband and kid are happily playing. I want to barge in and say... HOW DARE YOU greet me like this!!! HOW dare you acuse me. YOU are the manipulative freak!!! U are turning this around to get YOUR way.

IN fairness to him he didnt really go out the whole time I wasnt home. But I cant help but feel that its has been masterfully orchestrated so he can once again use this on me. Or am I getting crazy na rin due to my miserable married life? My goodness, I went out twice!! Once with a friend to a grill where a male friend of hers followed. Another time my bestfriend and I just went and drank in our pregnant friend's house!!!!

This guys Im married to is some piece of work!!!! I guess this is what you call the emotional and psychological manipulation after the abuse.

Anyway, please pray for me. I will call Rose Yenko tom. I hope I can sneak off and meet her. Can u imagine what my husband will do/say should he find out?!?!

Thanks to everyone who have been so kind in sharing their stories. Sis lilac, I havent had a chance to read ur post bec I just logged in to vent quickly before my husband becomes curious at what I am typing away about, I have to log off. I will read ur story as soon as I get the chance.
 

[betrayed0403]

^naku sis... parang ako lalo... it never crossed my mind that i would end up a battered wife. my husband was sooo loving when he was still my boyfriend. akala ko talaga, hindi niya makakayang saktan ako eh.

since i was in a medical school... and surrounded by admirers (modesty aside... hehe), parang he made extra efforts for me not to doubt his love... kaya nga i gave up my ultimate dream for him. i thought, i'll be in good hands. LOL

it is only through God's grace that i'm feeling some comfort right now. siguro kasi, i'm working na rin eh that's why he knows very well that i can easily leave him if things would again go out of hand. mataas ang tolerance ko sa pain. ok nga lang sa akin 'yong verbal and physical abuse eh... ang hindi ko talaga ma-accept, no'ng nambabae pa!

so now, i told him that if those things happen again, i will leave him. dahil sa totoo lang, sino ba siya para saktan niya ako... hindi naman siya kamukha ni diether or ni piolo... hindi rin naman siya mayaman... hindi rin naman siya maporma... tapos, hindi pa siya magiging mabait??? tse! 13 years na nga ako na-hypnotized eh... enough! LOL

alam ninyo sis, siguro... the more we fear of losing someone or losing our family... the more we make things harder for ourselves. siguro, if we just pray,then, deadma na... 'yong tipong isipin natin na "i gave my best... if it wasn't enough... bahala ka na sa buhay mo!"... magiging lighter 'yong pakiramdam eh. it's time for us to LOVE OURSELVES. it isn't God's will that we get hurt. we have to draw the line. it will not happen overnight. but if we take one brave step, makakaya rin natin.

that's why i'm thanking my friends who made kulit for me to work and rediscover myself. baligtad na mundo... hahaha siya na ang laging nakabuntot sa akin... at funny, when we argue at lumalakas na boses niya, kumukuha na ako ng hanger... as in... i will fight back! 

kaya madalas... nagigising ako sa whispers niya... he'll embrace me and say: "sorry sa lahat ng mga nagawa ko sa 'yo..."

[aquacharly]

Sis SCORPIOWOLF -- you ask how to lead a husband to change?

All I can tell you is the tide turned after I prayed to God:  "Thy will be done."  Before I would pray asking for specific outcomes (but never to make me a viuda with a new car -- LOL, I love Paolo's joke -- it always makes me 

Well, God gave me more than I could possibly think of asking for.  Everything as in everything unraveled.  He gave me the strength to get to the point where I could "burn my bridges".   When a husband realizes you mean to live without him, and that you intend to make a better life for yourself -- yan, Sis, will slap him into enlightenment.  But please, mga Sis -- do not trust in my experience/POV.  Iba iba ang mga tao after all.  Do not risk saying "goodbye" if you do not mean it or cannot do it.  (Kadalasan,  timing timing lang yan -- so wait for the right time. Prepare for it.)

My husband is now perfect in his dealings towards me,  he really got kicked into "enlightenment" --  that is a miracle. 
But mga Sis, please do not hope and wait for a miracle.  God will give you 1 if he thinks that is in your best interest in the long run.  But please do not wait and wait and wait. 

I am not telling you to give up on your husband now -- it is only you who can say when or if ever. 
Love is hard to end, yes.  And it is so hard to stop hoping, yes. 
But do not wait any longer when your mind tells you enough is enough already;
plus your heart is already so very tired.
Do what is in your best interest; and it is only you who can define that.

Go talk to Rose.  Talking to Rose does not automatically translate into your leaving your husband, not necessarily.   But perhaps, like me -- you will find the strength to gather yourself; and maybe, burn your bridges.  That will liberate you; and perhaps (hopefully -- that word again) slap your husband into enlightenment.   

Life is beautiful -- either way, whichever way the chips fall (married/separated, but definitely not abused)  -- because God meant us to have a beautiful life. 

God bless us all, mga Sis; and believe that He never abandons us; but remember too that God helps those who help themselves.  It is God who has the right to put us in hell/purgatory -- but a husband/partner has no right -- so we should not give him the power to make our lives a living hell.   

[Paulo]

In a short span of one week, I was hired in one of the biggest call centers in the Philippines. After 6 months, I was confirmed for regularization...on the other hand, he was still unsuccessful on finding a job...that's when the emotional and verbal abuse really started.

Men are proud creatures, Lilac 19. That's the way we are. We are expected to be the strong, protector and provider. And enjoy "King Status" and benefits that come along with it for our supposedly natural abilities. Now if by stroke of luck we don't turn out to be what we Naturally are "meant" to be, it unleashes an insecurity that is difficult to address. Not to mention a whole host of complications along with it. And THAT, explain why your husband behaves the way he does.

Being female, married, successful and the breadwinner of the family does have it's downside. Very few men would appreciate the gift, the way it's meant to be appreciated.

I'm not justifying your husband's actions ha. Nope. It's not your fault. In fact, you've been the solution pa nga. Still, to solve a problem, you first have to understand it thoroughly. Find out the root cause and work from there.

Your marital problem seems to center on two major things: First, your husband's lack of a productive endeavor, therefore the lack of any form of control. And 2nd, the Insecurity that eats him up because of the latter.  Although it doesn't necessarily follow that a successful man makes a loving husband. It is a fact that financially sound men are less crankier. And of course, less insecure.

Then there's the issue of "sex". I'm not going to use the argument that "it is your obligation". Such arguments have proven to drive women to feel like mere objects. Nope. Let's move beyond that. Though I'm going to remind you that Men are sexually needy creatures. And a sexually deprived man, develops a number of insecurities, the same way that an attention deprived housewife succumbs to depression. But instead of being depressed, a sexually  starved man will most likely be unreasonably aggressive, overly jealous, and irrational. Parang "Psycho, Jealous, Wife" ba, if you are aware of the type. Lalong lalo na since he doesn't have the necessary means to address his needs. Ayon, so he starts entertaining the idea that you're being "serviced" by somebody else. And that he isn't "good enough", among other things that would normally wind-down to him accusing you and blaming you for a whole host of faults.

What's the solution?

TALK. Talk about your problems. Talk about your expectations. Talk about your plans, and REASSURE him as if he were a ... 9 year old boy.

Talking will also help you understand your husband's sexual needs. The same way that it should also make him see your reasons for being sexually incapable. ... I used "Incapable", for the lack of a better term lang ha. I can't seem to come by the appropriate term eh. I was going to use "Reserved" but that could translate to Infidelity so "Incapable" it is.

I know that "Talking" seems like a very simple solution to such a complex problem but since your problem revolves around your husband's Insecurities, then communication is the only path towards a workable solution.

Here's hoping you work things out.

[scorpiowolf]

Hi! I just want to tell everyone. That since last night I have been a walking zombie in my home. I dont talk to my husband unless he asks me something. I try to stay out of his was as much as possible. Hes out with his friends now and frankly... I dont care where he is or what he is doing. Id much rather enjoy the peace and quiet of my home without him and play with my kid.

I know Im just like this now bec Im still angry and hurting from the way he treated me yeasterday. Before I went to bed after posting here, he started cursing at me again and asking what my problem was. All because he he said I was irritating him and he doesnt like the tone of my voice. BLAH BLAH BLAH endless pagmumura, endless insults to my face again. I am trying to master the art of zoning it all out. In the end I gave in and said, "If my tone irritates you then it wont happen again." I am such a loser. I am so weak. but at the same time Im so tired from hearing his booming, insulting, degrading voice. I actually said that in self preservation to shut him up. It was actually more of an act of self-presevation as I just wanted to get the shouting over with before it escalated again into who knows what. All I wanted was some peace and quiet.

So now, here I am. I was able to get an appointment for counselling with Rose Yenko on Monday. Unfortunately she couldt make it earlier and this week would have been convenient as I have access to my mom's car and driver since shes out. Oh, well Ill find a way and God has his reasons.

All I can say, is Ill have my day. For now I just want to continue being numb. I want to stop caring. I want to detach. I want to stop having any feelings towards my husband. At this point I just want to walk away with no regrets, no pain, and no remorse. Its still quite a long shot from now. But I will work on it everyday.

Thanks for listening, especially to those who replied to my posts. God Bless Us!

[BohemianHotnezz]

^^to AQUACHARLY

upon reading your PM, i found myself well up with tears again..cuz you know,i just returned to work from my 2-day "sick leave" (you already know what i mean)..
he did it again last saturday... i attempted to end my life through pill overdose but for some reasons, it didn't hit me.

he talked about so many things including love,  acceptance, and temporary insanity. i had seen a little hope in him and an eagerness to make things right after telling him my fears and worries..i hope i was not being fooled by his assuring words.

i can't find words to thank you enough. i am crying because i thought nobody cares. then, there u are and the others...i'm crying because, my colleagues think that i'm living a perfect, happy life with "E".  I never cease to make them laugh almost everyday. they see me as a strong and jolly person. some even envy me for having almost everything..they simply know nothing about me..

good things happen to good people..to good people like you. thank you so much.

[sonncza]

i cant believe there are guys talaga na may tendency magging violent hanggang nakita kong maglit bf ko.. gusto ko na talagang iwan sya but i cant kasi kasalanan ko din naman bakit ganun reaction nya. im super selosa kasi din,..pero  ayaw kong isipin na kasalanan ko!

[aquacharly]

^^  Sis BOHEMIANHOTNEZZ      Please, please, please do not harm yourself. 
                                               Hwag mong akuhin what is not your emotional
       baggage,  character flaw and cruelty -- that is his burden and not your reality.

       The fact that you do not let on about your real situation -- is proof of your
        strength.  Kaya mo yan hanapan ng way-out, but not at your expense.

       Do not think you are alone, that nobody cares.  We women are bound by
       the universe -- a collective consciousness.   

       Please call Rose Yenko.  I have told her my new friend BohemianHotnezz may
       just call her 1 day to talk.  Please, please call as soon as possible.  There is
       nothing you cannot talk about with Rose. 

       Sis, I will pray for you; I am certain some of us here pray for us all. 
       
       1 day I am sure you will have the ultimate revenge over him --
                      living better than now.   God bless, Sis. Please take care of yourself.

[scorpiowolf]

BohemianHotnezzzz sis! Please dont feel alone. I know the feeling. I feel so weak and alone and unwanted. Sis just pm or email me if you need to talk. Lets help each other out! We can support each other simply by knowing we are not alone in or pains, and hopefully others who have survived and have had happier endings like aquacharly inspire us.

Sis, have you tried going to the ER? sis thats what I did the last time. I went to the ER and had my bruises and wounds examined. Tell them that you want yourself examined bec it was a case of domestic violence, and that you want a confidential hospital record for your protection. Sis, its one of the best decisions I made. Bec I feel safer now every time my husband threatens to leave me. I know kasi that should we get separated or annulled, that just in case we have child custody problems... I at least have a medical record to back up my claims. I dunno what other purpose that may serve, or if its good evidence, but youll never know when you might need a medico legal.

God bless you sis. Please just message us or email me if you need someone to vent to. Youre not alone. Just keep praying sis. I will pray for you.

[arlene1018]

hi mga sis, nagblog nako dito before about my problem. Actually now after nung last blog ko, di na nya ko cnasaktan physically, Thank God! but the thing is when we fight over something, he always tells me na kasalanan ko everything! that kung di ako napreggy before na di pa cya ready eh di sana cya ganito. im super verbally abused! right now, im super depressed! i cant go out coz we dont have maid/yaya na [textspeak!] ko mapaiwanan ng baby namin. im stucked here in this damn house habang cya ayun almost everyday hes with hes friends! yesterday, i was so angry at him coz there was an event na kasama son namin then he told me na di nya kami samahan sa loob kung san [textspeak!] event, imagine anak naman nya [textspeak!] ssamahan nya, di naman ibang tao. At 1st ok lang sakin hinayaan ko na lang kaso nung andun na kami ng son ko sa loob i saw na halos lahat ng kids na andun kasama dad nila so i called my hubby and told him na if [textspeak!] pumasok cya kc [textspeak!] son lang namin ang walang dad. he insist na ayaw nya, at [textspeak!] na daw nya na di nya kami samahan! imagine anak nya nagawa nya tablahin! an sama sama talaga ng loob ko! ok  lang sakin [textspeak!] saktan nya ko ng saktan pro my God, anak nya un hindi ibang bata para tiisin nya ng ganun. until natapos na event, nagsasagutan na kami sa car, then sumabog na ko, sabi ko sa kanya na "lam mo [textspeak!] [textspeak!] kakilala na magasawa na [textspeak!] mga ginagawa mo sakin na masasakit gnagawa din ng husband nila sa wife nla." then he answered na " eh baka mahal nila [textspeak!] wife nla!" ang sakit mga sis, coz parang its a way of saying that he doesnt love me pala and after all ng pagtitiis ko sa pambubugbog nya sakin before until now [textspeak!] mga verbal abused na ginagawa nya sakin, i still continue to love him, serve him, tapos un pala di lang pala nya ko mahal! tinitiis ko lahat, [textspeak!] pagalis nya na anytime na gusto nya pumunta sa friends nya at kung umuwi cya madaling araw na, wala cya naririnig sakin. [textspeak!] pagsilbihan ko cya, gawin ko lahat para sa kanya, tapos di lang pala nya ko mahal! ang sakit! until now di ko cya kinakausap! im soooooooo fed up sa mga ginagawa nya sakin! he tried na makipagbati sakin kanina, di ko cya cnagot! di ko p kaya akipagusap sa kanya eh! i dont know kung ano sasabihin ko, kaya i chose to keep quiet. and im so in pain right now. then before he left may kinagalitan na nman cya sakin, minura ako ng P.I. di ko ko nalang pinansin!  i really dunno what to do, i cant go out, dahil [textspeak!] naman ako mapagiwanan ng son ko. feeling ko maloloka nako dito sa house! sobra sakit na nararamdaman ko!