Actor John Lloyd Cruz and actress Shaina Magdayao have barely recovered from last month's rumors about their being rushed to St. Luke’s Hospital due to “penis captivus." Now the gossip mill is at it again. This time, reports say that Shaina has been busy monitoring John Lloyd’s whereabouts - sometimes to the point of using a Global Positioning System, says PEP.ph.
John Lloyd refuted the rumors saying, "Hindi po totoo. Hindi po totoo yun. Okay po kami. Our relationship is going smooth. At yung GPS, hindi po totoo yun. Wala po kaming ganoong technology sa mga hawak naming cell phone."
While Shaina and John Lloyd say their relationship is fine, it isn't strange to find that wives and girlfriends sometimes play detective in relationships. Are you the type of girl to pry into your significant other's life by way of snooping and spying? Before you even think of trying your hand at becoming Sherlock Holmes, you have to find out why doing so could be detrimental to yourself and your relationship.
According to Malyn Cristobal, family therapist and founder of the Living Free Foundation, women who play detective with their men are just hurting themselves. “Doing so is triggered by trust issues but it also signifies fear—the need to be in control because of being too scared that there is something happening that she doesn’t know,” she says. “Trying to control people (i.e. your man’s activities or whereabouts) really stems from a lot of fear.”
Could your fear and jealousy be putting your relationship at risk? Have some pride and avoid falling into this pit trap. Female Network gives you five reasons why.
1. ARE YOU READY FOR THE ANSWERS YOU MIGHT FIND?
You've heard it before, and we'll say it again: curiosity kills. In this case, it could kill, not just your relationship, but your spirit. Brace yourself for the consequences—the truth hurts for a lot of reasons. Irma Mutuc, a family therapist from the Living Free Foundation, says you should yourself ask first if you’re really ready for whatever it is you’ll find out. “If you want to make sure that there’s infidelity then go right ahead but psych yourself,” she says. “Make sure you have a reliable and stable support system that you can run to—a sister, best friend, counselor—because finding out for sure can devastate you.”
2. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR, EXACTLY? AND WHY?
“Ask yourself, for what?” Mutuc says. Reflect on your reasons for wanting to do this. Has he given you a reason not to trust him? What do you really want to confirm? Are you inwardly hoping your man is cheating in order to vindicate paranoid thoughts? Why is that? According to the Equality in Marriage Institute, if you believe deep down that your partner is capable of breaking your commitment, you are waiting for him to do something wrong: "This is not trust and that fact needs to be examined."
Feeling paranoid and suspicious in a relationship is not healthy. Remember that if you have doubts or have misgivings about your relationship, the best thing to do is talk to your partner. Don't think of it as a confrontation, instead treat it as an honest conversation between partners—the less accusatory you are in your approach, the more open your partner will be.
3. WHAT IF HE FINDS OUT?
Consider this: two wrongs don’t make a right. In the same vein, a betrayal of trust will only be compounded by another betrayal. If you do find out that your man is cheating, think of his reaction when he finds out that you got info on him through backhanded means. He may have been doing something shady, but that doesn't give you permission to go snooping because of it. And when, after all your spying, you find out that there was nothing there after all, just think of how hurt and let down your partner will feel. That could most probably be the end of your relationship.
4. YOU CAN’T FAKE REAL TRUST
It all boils down to trust. By playing detective, you’re not just saying you don't trust your partner, it means he can’t trust you, as well. If you love each other, then you’ll believe him and not have to inspect everything he does. Spying on your significant other is the ultimate sign of betrayal, so think twice before you even do it. “When there’s distrust in a relationship, there’s a real problem,” Mutuc says. “Focus on that, work on it. Get help from professionals if need be.” Start with improving communication between the two of you and go from there.
5. WHAT IF HE DOES THE SAME THING TO YOU?
Imagine this: your partner checking in on you every five seconds, not letting you out of the house without him, and thinking every man you meet is out to steal you from him - or worse, thinking that you'd leave him for any guy who pays attention to you. It’s not a pretty picture. More than that, what if your man played detective for the same reason you did: because he wanted to find out if you’re cheating on him? If you want your man to be faithful to you, you should start by showing him that there's nothing to worry about. A relationship is all about trust, respect and commitment—you need both of you to make it work.
FN Asks: What's the most "extreme" detective move you've ever done in your relationship?
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