NO LOVE = END OF A MARRIAGE?

[sweetubeng]

Dear sisters,

This may sound like a rhetorical question, but I'll go for it anyway.

When your spouse has repeatedly told you that he/she doesn't love you anymore, is that the end of your marriage? I mean, SHOULD the marriage end?

I know, I might be blind. Lenses, please?

You need to know that the only thing that can change someone's mind is LOVE. In your case. Seems no other way but to accept that he doesn't love you anymore. Reality hurts. But you need to value yourself. If you see his effort  to work out on your marriage then  continue and try your best to proved that your marriage is worth to  kèep. But if he has no willingness and effort,  then Its a big sign that you need to separate ways and live a separate lives.

Love is only worth fighting for when you are fighting together, not against each other, hurting each other is no good at all. Love is give and take, If you're giving everything that you have. What's left for you? Love yourself, think about your situation. It's not easy, but its the only way. You deserved to  be happy.

[The Greatest Is LOVE]

as the saying goes, The Greatest Is Love.
in your case Ikaw na lang ang nagmamahal so why stay?
paulit-ulit nya sinasabi syo hindi ka na mahal, move on girl!
Masakit yun a, babae ka pa. kapalmuks din tong husband mo noh?!

value yourself girl and move on, you'll find another right person for you.
Syang ang oras na nagmumukmok ka lang, magpasalon ka...
Niloko ka na dalawang beses pa, gusto mo ba tatlo pa?
Ngayon magpapakasweet pa yan para hindi ka muna mawala kasi wala pa yun kapalit mo e.

[glamorosa_09]

 @girltalker2

Yeah, you have a point na pwedeng may tinatago yung guy, yan din yung napost ko sa kabila. Especially sa last replies ni TS, the guy cheated twice pala with the same woman, he wants a flight arranged na pala, then the repitition of "hindi na kita mahal." Pwedeng may kuneksyon sila, pwede rin namang wala.

As for marriage counseling or ME or Retrouvaille, hmm, wala naman mawawala kung itatry, KUNG mapapapayag ni TS si husband. May mga kilala akong nagbalikan eh, tipong nakikipaghiwalay na talaga yung lalaki. But during the sessions, may na realize sila, they even became repentant. However, hindi siguro always successful sa lahat. I acknowledge naman na it's not 100% guaranteed.

May mga ginagawa si TS on her own. At first she begged him to stay, then now ignoring him. I hope she'll find what will eventually work for her or for them. Mahirap lang kung may nagawa na syang hindi nya dapat ginawa, or meron syang mas magandang ginawa, charge to experience na lang.

[ayka]

@girltalker2

Yeah, you have a point na pwedeng may tinatago yung guy, yan din yung napost ko sa kabila. Especially sa last replies ni TS, the guy cheated twice pala with the same woman, he wants a flight arranged na pala, then the repitition of "hindi na kita mahal." Pwedeng may kuneksyon sila, pwede rin namang wala.

May mga ginagawa si TS on her own. At first she begged him to stay, then now ignoring him. I hope she'll find what will eventually work for her or for them. Mahirap lang kung may nagawa na syang hindi nya dapat ginawa, or meron syang mas magandang ginawa, charge to experience na lang.

Sis, I believe we're on the same page. There's definitely NO MISTRESS/NO AFFAIR this time because I had him investigated. And there were times na ako talaga ang nag-stalk sa kanya. As I've said before, the previous affair isn't even the issue anymore.

It's his "lack of love" and weakness. He cannot tolerate talking - which for him, he perceives as confrontations/arguments. The mere fact na mag-usap lang, he has zero tolerance. Lalo na when my sadness sets in. Siya na mismo nagsasabi na hindi niya kaya nang ganoon. For me naman kasi, anong mangyayari sa amin if we don't talk? Tatahimik na lang ako forever? Even if he's being nice, HE'S NICE TO EVERYONE NAMAN. Anong ikina-iba ko? No sex, no dates, no etc. That's when he told me again that he obviously cannot be a good husband, let alone be a husband - because the LOVE IS NO LONGER there. Yes, he's sweet sometimes, he hugs me, nag-baby talk. But that's not enough, given the fact that he doesn't love me.

That's why I've started ignoring him. And it's not because I CONSCIOUSLY WANT TO, but because I CAN'T HELP IT. Siguro pagod na rin ako. I need a break. Even though we're still together, I've been avoiding him. And siya ngayon ang naghahanap sa akin, naglalambing, finding a way to start a conversation. He kisses me when I'm asleep. But as I've said, I've become unresponsive na. I can't reciprocate. I don't know why. And at this point, I could care less if he wanted to leave. I don't even think I'll stop him. But I'm definitely not gonna book the flight for him.

I'm focusing on myself. Even excited and started planning for my vacay in the Philippines next year. 

[Girltalker2]

As for marriage counseling or ME or Retrouvaille, hmm, wala naman mawawala kung itatry, KUNG mapapapayag ni TS si husband. May mga kilala akong nagbalikan eh, tipong nakikipaghiwalay na talaga yung lalaki. But during the sessions, may na realize sila, they even became repentant. However, hindi siguro always successful sa lahat. I acknowledge naman na it's not 100% guaranteed.

Minsan kasi nakakahinayang kung hindi sincere yung isang tao, then attend ka ng ME, sayang na sa oras, naloko ka pa hehe (speaking from experience).  But if it means a chance to revive the marriage why not di ba? It is still worth trying, that is, if BOTH are willing to make it work and sincere.

It's his "lack of love" and weakness. He cannot tolerate talking - which for him, he perceives as confrontations/arguments. The mere fact na mag-usap lang, he has zero tolerance. Lalo na when my sadness sets in. Siya na mismo nagsasabi na hindi niya kaya nang ganoon. For me naman kasi, anong mangyayari sa amin if we don't talk? Tatahimik na lang ako forever? Even if he's being nice, HE'S NICE TO EVERYONE NAMAN. Anong ikina-iba ko? No sex, no dates, no etc. That's when he told me again that he obviously cannot be a good husband, let alone be a husband - because the LOVE IS NO LONGER there. Yes, he's sweet sometimes, he hugs me, nag-baby talk. But that's not enough, given the fact that he doesn't love me.

I don't know how people can sustain a marriage without talking. Hindi ka manghuhula para hulaan ano ang nasa isip nya, he has to express them. 

Sweet?  Paano sya maging sweet kung nagsasabi sya ng hindi ka na nya mahal?  May sayad ba sya?

And siya ngayon ang naghahanap sa akin, naglalambing, finding a way to start a conversation. He kisses me when I'm asleep.
 

Then he has to express himself, and talk.  Ano bang gusto nya. Naglalambing lang ba sya kasi gusto nya may mag asikaso ng flight nya?  Or gusto nya to make the marriage work? Or "feel" lang nya at that point in time and eventually his real old self with the attitude na "hindi na kita mahal" at wala-akong-kelangan-gawin-about-it ugali will always come back. Or if this is something that can never be extracted from him, surely, it's really the end of it.

Hirap naman manghula. Nakakainis.

[ayka]

Hirap naman manghula. Nakakainis.

Sis, tell me about it. After the affair broke into the open, doon ko lang nalaman lahat ng resentments niya sa akin. Para siyang bulkan na sumabog. He was crying like a child. He said BUTI PA YUNG MOM NIYA, NAKAKARAMDAM or PINAKIKIRAMDAMAN SIYA. I instantly told him that I'm not his mother. I did not raise him, and most certainly hindi ko agad mararamdaman kung anong iniisip niya sa isang hinga lang or sa isang kibot lang niya! I'm not a mind reader.

That's why ngayon, ako naman ang tahimik. I just want to live my life and not depend on him emotionally. And bigla siyang nag-360. I don't hug him, smile at him, nor even look at him. I do things without telling him or making kuwento. So he doesn't know what I'm doing or what I'm up to. I'm living as if he's not there. Affected pala siya. And I don't care.

[glamorosa_09]

Mama's boy ba husband mo? Sensitive at iyakin ba syang lalaki? Kung hindi naman, at the moment when he cried like a child:

 

BUTI PA YUNG MOM NIYA, NAKAKARAMDAM or PINAKIKIRAMDAMAN SIYA.

Naging vulnerable ang husband mo sayo, he showed his fragile and sensitive part. It could be a cue that there's a longing inside him. It could be an opportunity for a deeper and intimate talk. And yet you responded coldly and insensitively telling him you're not his mother. Sure, you are not, but it could be a cue to get inside of him. May butas ka nang pwedeng pasukan.

Sabi mo he doesn't communicate and how you want him to do so. But there he was crying, with his fragile self .Well siguro emotionally drained ka na rin. Kulang lang siguro sa guidance marriage niyo. Hindi ka naman siguro normally cold pag nagcocommunicate ano? Baka both of you don't know how to be a good wife and husband kaya dumating sa ganyan marriage niyo. Magulo na.

But maybe I'm just rambling. I don't really know what your relationship is like, how you normally relate with each other especially before the infidelity.

[glamorosa_09]

Mama's boy ba husband mo? Sensitive at iyakin ba syang lalaki? Kung hindi naman, at the moment when he cried like a child:

 

BUTI PA YUNG MOM NIYA, NAKAKARAMDAM or PINAKIKIRAMDAMAN SIYA.

Naging vulnerable ang husband mo sayo, he showed his fragile and sensitive part. It could be a cue that there's a longing inside him. It could be an oppprtunity for a deeper and intimate talk. And yet you responded coldly and insensitively telling him you're not his mother. Sure, you are not, but it could be a cue to get inside of him. May butas ka nang pwedeng pasukan.

Sabi mo he doesn't communicate and how you want him to do so. But there he was crying, with his fragile self .Well siguro emotionally drained ka na rin eh. Kulang lang siguro sa guidance marriage niyo. Hindi ka naman siguro normally cold ano? Baka both of you don't know how to be a good wife and husband kaya dumating sa ganyan marriage niyo. Magulo na.

But maybe I'm just rambling. I don't really know what your relationship is like, how you normally relate with each other especially before the infidelity.

[Girltalker2]

Just by the reading the posts here in GT today, I have already identified 3 men na hindi nagsasabi ano ang nangyayari at ano ang gusto nila mangyari. I just find it odd and so inadequate of them to have relationships. Parang tipong hindi nagsasalita pero they expect their partners to just understand them.

Why should women try to understand them, hindi ba dapat obligasyon din nila magreach out at hindi lang dapat one way.

Naiinis lang ako sa mga taong ganyan, ang labo. 

[glamorosa_09]

Mahirap talaga intindihin yung communication sis, sabi mo nga two-way yan, so ibig sabibin para maintindihan mo, dalawa dapat ang nakikita mo. Hindi yung side ng isa lang.

Parang naglalaro ng pingpong. Para maintindihan mo kung bakit ganun pumalo ng bola yung isa, tingnan mo rin kung pano magserve yung isa, then pano sila magpalitan ng bola. Parang ganito ang relationship dynamics. And mind you, every couple is unique, and that also must be taken into consideration.

As for individual person naman, may mga taong emotionally avoidant. They are uncomfortable when you talk about emotions or anything intimate. Di ko pa nga alam pano nga ba sila nagkatuluyan. Pero may mga ganyan.

I guess society and familial also has a role kung bakit ganyan ang level ng communication ng ibang lalaki.

For me, hangga't di ko nakikita kung pano sila maglaro,a t di ko marinig buong descriptions ng husband, I can only hypothesize.

Hindi rin macommunicate ang husband ko dati. Pero accepting ako sa mga nararamdaman nya, hindi ako critical kung magkamali sya or what, hindi ako 'ganito kasi gawin mo, ganyan ganyan.' And so he feels emotionally safe and feels free to tell whatever is in his mind and heart, because he knows by experience, hindi ko sya hinuhusgahan. Kahit nga sa sex, pagnakakaligtaan ko na, kaya nyang magexpress ng needs, sinasabi ko, babawi ako. I honor his needs.

At tska basa ka rin ng mga psychological researches, a lot will tell you, na women are stronger on affective/emotional skills than men. Sino bang best coach nila, kundi tayo.

Maganda rin yung mga educational marriage seminars, it improves relationships.

I believe, if there's emotional safety in the relationship, there's a free flow of communication. Provided both have no emotional/attachment/psychological hang-ups.. Kung applicable.

However, if your question is influenced by your past experience, eh magandang detailed di ba, kesa maging general tayo.

[Girltalker2]

^ thanks sis for your comments.

regarding my past naman, akala ko ang matalinong tao at magaling sa sales and marketing would be someone for me. nakapag aral naman sya ng masters, so feeling ko dapat ok ang communication. pero in hind sight, communication was bad. as this guy cannot express what he needs. bilang babae, gusto ko mag reach out, pero kung sarado ang utak nya, wala e.

but that is the past. he and I both recognize hindi na dapat kami nagpakasal. we don't jive, we don't see things eye to eye na narealize lang namin later. of course ibang babae ang nabalingan nya. though I tried to fix the marriage, he did not fix it and not willing to lift that extra finger, so no use.

In any case, wala din nga sa pinag aralan. Baka nasa EQ nga. Naging part sya ng checklist ko tuloy in finding a partner in life, is someone who can express his thoughts and feelings better. And my current BF, is better, even a lot better than me. So far, it works, communication talaga ang dapat mo alagaan between sa inyong dalawa.  Kasi kung wala nyan, it is next to impossible to sustain a relationship, or a marriage with added complications pa ng 3rd party, kids, relatives and other issues.

[glamorosa_09]

^Ah yeah

I shared sa kabilang thread yung 5 levels of intimate communication. The highest level is expression of needs, at para mangyari yan, may emotional safety dapat, kaya the author said it's risky.

As for your husband, assuming lang na emotionally avoidant sya, at assuming na ganun din si girl, eh magkakasundo sila. They don't have to deal with emotional dramas...

Like I have this guy classmate, he was sharing his group therapy experience with me. Naiirita sya pag may nagiging emotional at umiiyak, mukhang he couldn't handle it." Porke nabuntis lang ate mo iiyak ka na?" Sometimes when you look at their childhood history makikita mo rin bakit sila naging ganun. Ayun, lumipat sa UST dahil neuriobiological ang approach dun. Good luck siguro aa magiging partner nya, kung emotionally expressive to.

So at least you've learned a lot from your experience and you became wiser. Looks like you're more satisfied and joyful with your present relationship.

If a typical couple started out well, alaga na lang and maintain that emotional safety para walang mag-build ng emotional wall. One builds an emotional wall pag nasasaktan na sya nung isa so as to protect himself/herself para di masaktan ulit. Madalas kasi babae yung madada at madalas manita ng mali, kaya tuloy yung lalaki di na masyado magshare for the fear na masabihan na naman sya ng di maganda.

So yes I couldn't agree more with what you said, important ang communication to have a satisfying and fulfilling relationship.

[Girltalker2]

If a typical couple started out well, alaga na lang and maintain that emotional safety para walang mag-build ng emotional wall. One builds an emotional wall pag nasasaktan na sya nung isa so as to protect himself/herself para di masaktan ulit.

Ito nga yung isang iniisip ko din. Maayos naman kayo nagstart, so communication must be doing well. Kaso somewhere along the way, nawala yun or tumahimik yung isa. Or maybe the couple just outgrew each other?

Pero pero pero, kung magBF palang at gulong gulo na kayo sa isa't isa, mainam na huwag na kayo magkatuluyan. 

[ayka]

Mama's boy ba husband mo? Sensitive at iyakin ba syang lalaki?

A big YES, he's a mama's boy. And I've accepted the fact na lahat ginagawa ko para sa kanya. Because aminado siya that he's lazy. And NO, hindi siya iyakin. He doesn't like seeing me sad nor crying (eh sino ba namang hindi malulungkot kung twice ka na niloko ng asawa mo?). AND HE SAID THAT'S ONE OF THE REASONS WHY HE WANTS TO LEAVE FOR GOOD -- lately. He can't handle it. And of course, HE COULDN'T and WOULDN'T DO anything about it (even just to cheer me up) because he doesn't love me anyway.

Before I told him that I'm not like his mother because I cannot read his mind (after the affair), I was clueless as to how he REALLY FELT because HE NEVER TELLS ME (before the affair, when we were "happier"). He looked happy, acted happy, as if he had no resentments inside. When in fact , ang dami pala niyang hang-ups which I found out na lang after our session with the marriage counselor. Na he was sad kasi ganito, kasi ganoon. Na may nangyari palang ganito and ganyan sa work na ikinalungkot niya. I HAD NO IDEA. Kasi daw hangga't kaya daw niyang solusyonan ang problema, sosolohin niya. Tapos, HE EXPECTED ME TO SYMPATHIZE, WITHOUT ME KNOWING that he was feeling down, deep inside? Lagi ko naman siyang tinatanong, kinakausap in a nice way, pag may napapansin ako sa kanya. Or pag may nasabi or nagawa ako na hindi niya nagustuhan and vice-versa, I encourage him to share his feelings or at least talk to me. BUT HE WOULDN'T. Gusto lang niya silence, that's it. AS IN, NEARLY CLOSE TO ABSOLUTELY NO TALKING NOR SHARING OF THOUGHTS, FEELINGS. Palipas araw, then pretend nothing happened the following day. Ganon siya. Tapos saka siya sasabog at hahanap nang ibang sasabihan, who ended up being his mistress? Eh bakit hindi niya sinabi sa nanay niya? Sa close friends niya na married din? BAKIT SA ISANG SINGLE NA BABAE NA HINDI NAMAN NIYA KA-CLOSE, doon siya magsasabi ng problema? WHAT IS THAT? I've been asking him and encouraging him every now and then, tapos ganon? That's the reason why I told him not to compare me with his mother. Iyon talaga ang nasagot ko because he cheated on me, and BLAMED ME for everything, even for what he did. He didn't allow me to take a peek inside his mind/thoughts, tapos ibang tao papapasukin niya? Nag-asawa pa siya?

 

[simang]

I'm not going to answer the question on the title, but seeing how unhealthy this relationship is to you, and to your husband, even if there is a tiny bit of love, i don't think it's even worth saving. It's not even his lack of love for you that you should be focusing on, it's how bitter, paranoid, and miserable you've become in this marriage.

[momentum]

TS... Any updates? Hope you're okay

[jamila_19]

in my case hindi man niya sinasabi na hindi na niya ako mahal pero makikita mo sa kilos na lang nila lalo na may kabit siya at pumayag siya na sustento na lang sa mga bata ang pinag uusapan nmin at umabot na sa pirmahan sa husgado.

kaya wala na din akong magawa kundi tanggapin na lang at manahimik

[glamorosa_09]

@ayka

I see... Emotional affairs do happen pag mas nag-oopen ang husband to another woman more than to his wife...  Kaya I've suggested in this forum that husbands should put a boundary on their female frienships.

Nakakapagtanga nga when he opened up to the other woman and not to you.

Ganun talaga ang style nya sayo before? Kahit nung bago pa ang relationship niyo? Hindi talaga sya nag-oopen up emotionally, nagsheshare ng individual life nya including the stresses and struggle? So parang lagi happy part lang pinapakita nya sayo?

[nathanielle]

No love = end of a marriage? Yes, of course. What is the point of staying in a marriage kung wala nang pagmamahal?

Also, there's a world of difference between being a good man and a good husband. You can be a good man and still be a terrible husband.

[crzysxycl]

Opinion ko lang sis TS, kung wala ng love, yes it is the end of marriage. And based sa mga nabasa ko dito sa thread, may history ng affair hubby mo. Sa tingin ko, kahit meron o wala kayong anak, kung wala ng love, trust and respect, it is the end of your marriage. Mahirapan lang kayo kung mag stay pa para lang sa kids, and it will be hard for them as well kung makitang napipilitan lang kayo, mahirap i-explain sa bata yon.