An Open Letter from the Legal Wife

[super bratinella]

Sis cabbagepatch, I am excited for what life is waiting for you, for the next journey you will be walking through the next man that you will meet in your life, basta I am super excited for you. I know it will only be the best and having experiencing all this challenges I know you will not settle for less next time around. I know that you know your worth kaya may lakas ka ng loob to walk away kasi most of the time hindi lahat nag let go pero ikaw you are so decided and that is because you know what is right from wrong, and you chose to be in the right path.. Congratulations!!

[Girltalker2]

and i realized that all this talk about how women are to be blamed about their cheating husbands--it's all just a product of our biased, highly patriarchal views about the world. if you're a woman, wala ka talagang malugaran. you can't be too successful, you can't be too dependent, you can't be too nice, you can't be too tough, you can't be too beautiful, you can't be too ugly, you can't be too fat, too skinny. we've forced women to think that they are walking on a tightrope in marriage and relationships. one mistake and you're out.

but it shouldn't be that way. it doesn't have to be. because it isn't. think about it--dissatisfied husbands have a lot of options in pissing their wives off that are far more creative and are less costly, less damaging. in the future, guys, some suggestions:

1. throw away her jewelry. worse, give them to your relatives you know for a fact she doesn't like.
2. sell her designer bags on ebay. (eto talaga no, giyera.)
3. go on a trip with your kids to her favorite place in the world without her.
4. destroy her china
5. don't do chores
6. complain about her mother
7. if she asks you if she's fat, take a really long time to respond. maybe even look at her first.

there are a lot of ways to say, f*ck you, wife! without necessarily f*cking everyone up. and you have to know this, after a while. that's the point of marriage, right? knowing how to tick off someone.

Natawa ako dito sis, promise!  Especially  #1, #2 nd #3!   

[aquacharly]

^ you know, i used to think the way you do. that the cheatee (?) can push the cheater to cheat. ......

"i don't necessarily believe that women are better than men. but i think men are worse than women." he said it in reflection of how men are always trying to remove themselves from any blame. and it's true. we always blame the woman because we perpetuate the notion na "babae ang nagdadala ng relationship" as if she alone wanted it. as if every woman who was ever married put a gun to a man's head and demanded marriage and kids.

a word to that: it is true that men are quick in making decisions. but a lot of that has to do with the fact that men were brought up to take risks. but quick decisions aren't necessarily BETTER, MORE RATIONAL decisions......
and say, this is crazy, i'm not doing this. in short, there are many chances for a man to walk away but because they're not thinking ahead, they believe in instant gratification, they don't

and i realized that all this talk about how women are to be blamed about their cheating husbands--it's all just a product of our biased, highly patriarchal views about the world. if you're a woman, wala ka talagang malugaran.......

there are a lot of ways to say, f*ck you, wife! without necessarily f*cking everyone up. and you have to know this, after a while. that's the point of marriage, right? knowing how to tick off someone.

but why a lot of men go down this route? why is that the chosen form of escape, of retribution? i don't know. but i'm tempted to believe that for as long as we encourage men to be men who use women like toys, who have a right to be angry when they are not getting sex; men who divide women into two-the ones you marry and the ones you just f*ck; men who think they have a right to retreat to their lesser nature whenever they're dissatisfied; men whose expectations from marriage go like this: woman! spread legs, have babies, clean up after me, rinse, repeat;  men who associate being a man with being a brute-- then this cycle of infidelity, of broken, angry people, will not stop.

Totally AGREE!!  with all you said, just saved space in quoting...

Now, for someone (not me!) to negate this quoted post by labeling it as a woman's viewpoint, in a tenor implying deficiency. ...  lol, IMO, kneejerk put-down.     What's wrong with our perspective?!  It is exactly when our concerns and issues are judged unimportant when things go haywire.   Just saying.

[shelly ohhh!!]

Sis cabbagepatch we have on the same boat! ang pagkakaiba lang natin kami hindi pa kami kasal.. magtwo two months na kaming hiwalay.. napagod na ata syang buhayin kami ng mga anak ko..

naalala ko pa nun.. nung umalis sya ni walang ha ni ho.. kinuha ang mga gamit at umalis.. ni hindi man lang nag iwan kahit piso na pang gastos namin!! wala akong trabaho nun.. gutom ang abot ko!

Yung letter mo gusto kong sabihin sa kanya lahat yan kasi katulad ni hubby mo hindi rin sya marunong MANINDIGAN! I'll just leave it all to GOD na sya na bahala sa amin ng mga anak ko..

Sis MOONCAKES and LEAVES grabe super THUMBS-UP ako sa perspective mo!!

[bonita111809]

sis aquacharly, I'm the one who labeled sis mooncakes and leaves' comment as a very womanly viewpoint so I guess you're referring to me with that comment of yours. I never want to put it that way. I'm not here to insult or downplay anyone. I'm here to share my views on how women can make their marriages work and how they can better understand men. if you do not agree to my opinion that's fine. just don't take it wrongly. I can sense you're intelligent so I guess it wouldn't be hard if you'd be open-minded, too. if you can't, it's okay. I still admire you for being a woman. God bless.   

[i_v_y]

hi sis cabbagepatch. i was in the same boat exactly two years ago. in my own terms, i tried everything that i could to save it without a catfight. But eventually, I could not see nor feel his sincerity in wanting to  rebuild the marriage that he destroyed due to infidelity. He said he wanted to, he would, but I felt that his subconscious wanted otherwise. I had to what every woman should do. While a little bit of dignity was still hanging on to me, I left him. I even gave 4 weeks notice but in those 4 weeks, he did not do anything to hold me back.  It was such a tough decision to make; to allow change to happen in my life when everything seemed so comfortable even with all the flaws. But it was one of the bravest decision I ever made.

I also started a thread about it. Our sissies here were very helpful with the pieces of advice I got from them. The strong encouragement I got from everyone was very substantial otherwise, I might still be in hell today.

After 2 years, I am in a much better place now. Luckily in love with an Italian stallion.

My ex? He has a kid with the kabitch.

The Kabitch? Sent me a message a few months back, regretting her actions, telling me how unhappy she is, how she regrets her decision and how she is holding on that relationship just because of their daughter.

And I knew that would happen.


Sis, carry on. you will heal in time. We will. I have not fully recovered but it will come. It will only get better.

[Girltalker2]

^ sis i_v_y, congrats and wishing you more success sa lovelife mo! 

Ganyan naman kasi, sa umpisa lang mahirap. Pero kung marunong kang maghanap ng happiness, mahahanap mo rin sya. 

[i_v_y]

^sis salamat. 

[Darshan]

Dear "husband"

asawa pa ba ang pwedeng itawag sayo? o father of a kid?
nararamdaman ko na na both of us are drifting apart. Malapit na mag 2months since we have not seen each other. 3 weeks of no communication, at after nun pasulpot sulpot nalang each day. minsan in a day wala narin.

this has given me time to think. Every day I pray to God to give me the courage and strenght to surpass this pain i am going through. and to show me the right path I should be in. God knows how much I love you but after weeks of introspection and deep realizations, years of pain and suffering with little to no happiness..I don't think my love is enough anymore to hold on to this marriage. I still fear the day we officially separate..the day when you and I will talk and finally decide that both of us deserve better than staying together


I wish we could just be happy..I wish you could just be a good husband and father. I just wanted a simple life. You know how simple I am lang..but why does our marriage have to go through this complication? why are you like that? everyone in your family thinks the same including my family..they ask, when will you mature? when will you just stop blewing up small things? when will you stop verbally, mentally, emotionally psychologically abuse the people who love you? When will you WAKE UP from this madness that you really have issues that needs to be fixed? so that everyone, including you, can finally live harmoniously and HAPPY? Don't you want that?

I cannot change you. I thought I could. But time and time again makes me realize that I am not your "problem solver"..I cannot fix you. only YOU can fix youself..and that starts from accepting the fact that you have some serious issues about yourself that needs to be solved..you cannot keep dragging people down with you. I was never this unhappy, self-worth drained and emotionally beaten, till I became your wife.

Kelan ka kaya magigising? I do not know. It is all up to you.
Meanwhile, time is ticking every second..and every second you are losing me and our kid..and you do not realize this..one day you will wake up and we are both gone completely, out of your life. It is just a question of whether you will allow that to happen or not.

[aquacharly]

sis aquacharly, I'm the one who labeled sis mooncakes and leaves' comment as a very womanly viewpoint so I guess you're referring to me with that comment of yours. I never want to put it that way. I'm not here to insult or downplay anyone. I'm here to share my views on how women can make their marriages work and how they can better understand men. if you do not agree to my opinion that's fine. just don't take it wrongly. I can sense you're intelligent so I guess it wouldn't be hard if you'd be open-minded, too. if you can't, it's okay. I still admire you for being a woman. God bless.   

Saw this just now.

NO, I wasn't referring to you.
I actually didn't get to read your post before mine got posted.  I usually  do not get to read posts that come after the 1 I respond to  because I generally don't finish my posts in 1 go -- ---  it goes "pending" while I attend to  business matters, family matters or even a tv show.    ( I always get that notice:  your session has expired, please re-post... )   .   

So,
I just read your post now,  not before I expressed appreciation for MOONCAKE & LEAVES' positioning on cheating.
So there, whatever other's opinion is to her take on it, I deem it valid & useful.

BUT it doesn't mean that NOW, AFTER reading your post --  I cannot similarly appreciate/resonate with your opinions.
There are points you raised that I deem valid/useful too.
That is the beauty in the polarity of positions/opinions in this anonymous forum --  the focus is just on the printed words, no distractions from "the medium is the message" stuff.
So, speaking for myself -- my perspective & understanding expands due to the validity in the polarities.

I likewise valued your way of presenting your opinions/beliefs.  Dispassionate,  direct &  with the orderly build up of logic..   Hahaha,  therein I  usually flounder: with distraction, hang-over from hurtful experiences, and playful semantics.  In short, I valued your thorough post.  Thank you for sharing.

I may appreciate being thought of as intelligent , but does it matter nor have value in all this anonymity? 
Does it matter if others who know me not regard me as being open-minded?
All I care for  is   that the anonymity here is enjoyable, and allows for flexibility/open-mindedness.
In my real world, I gotta hew to a certain mold/reasonable expectations -- Life!,  it is what it is. 
I enjoy this forum:  we can discuss, agree and/or disagree and not  take it personally.  Such freedom!

1 of your opinions  that resonated with me (sooo valid):  Men cheat because they think they can get away with it, and there are women out there willing to conspire or play footsies with them.
True.  1 frequent statement from cheating friends/relatives, goes something like this:   The opportunity was there, I just seized it (oh, such a male reaction nga)...   Nagpapatuka eh di, sige!   (Susko)

May I add recent advice given by a senior colleague shared at a social event recently, I found funny & valid.
He said to us, the younger group of mixed gender:  Hwag kayo magkakaroon  ng Second Kitchen.  Your  cheating will get more complicated if you allow a Second Kitchen in your life.  More expenses, more of your time demanded.  You will get fat, and put yourself at risk more for bangungot.  You will eat at the Second Kitchen.  Then go home; and need to eat at your First Kitchen, to avoid suspicion, hard questions & lie-ing.  The 2 kitchens will become the tug-of-war that will unravel your best laid out plans of cheating & compartmentalizing your life.   
Lol

Going back to CABBAGEPATCH:  whatever her hard decisions led to, whatever adjustments in her positioning she may have done --   I hope & pray she remains "in a place" where she is taking good care of herself, in all aspects. 

[hedonista]

Sis cabbagepatch

I admire you for wearing your heart on your sleeve and pouring your feelings here. You had that audacity most women who wants to move on can not do. Face the fear of cutting the string that attach them to their supposedly the "other half". Thank you for sharing this.

I pray for you. You mentioned you have kids. Get the fair share of their needs/expenses from the now ex. In the end, I hope you do not backslide. And I hope that the ex of yours is not a sociopath. Cheating husband or any man --- is a sure sign of being a spath. I have a thread about it.

The best revenge is to let her keep him and of course a beautiful life for you and your kids. I wish you well.

[loveleah]

Sis Cabbagepatch.. I admire you for your courage. Be strong Sis, you deserve to be happy. Soon, mahahanap mo din kaligayahan mo.. God bless!

[xhien]

thankyou for sharing it with us sis cabbagepatch i really admire it.. ganyan din nangyre skin and i tried to move on and let him go.. umasa din ako na maayos din kami pero nung tinanggal din niya wedding ring namin and after lahat ng masasakit na salita na sinabi niya sa akin nawalan na din ako ng gana so ngayon feeling ko ok na din ako kahit pano with may son without him.. may mas better pang dadating satin kaya nangyari tong mga bagay na to sa mga buhay natin..just keep on praying..god is good all the time..

[magno4]

Ouch! from sista cabbagepatch, tinamaan ako sa kwento mo. but in truth i am proudly gave you a salute. kase nailabas mo lahat ng saloobin mo at ang gusto mo mangyare. in my side, siguro diko kayang sagutin o kung paanu uumpisahang mag paliwanag kapag gayon. pero ang diko magagawa ay yung sinasabi mong alisin ang wedding ring in front of you and saying na di na nya kayang maging asawa mo, yan bagay na yan ang diko siguro kayang gawin sa harap ng asawa ko. kase kami yung wedding ring namin di na talaga namin sinusuot kase mashado ng sikip sa mga daliri namin kase ng mag pagawa kami sa oras na ng kasal namin nasuot e. kaya wala kami suot wedding rng kaya napag kakamalang wala pa kami parehas asawa. back to topic, sabihin natin na tama lahat ng mga nararamdaman at sinabi mo, kung sakali ba at makipag settle sya bibigyan mo paba sha ng another chance? may anak ba sha sa iba bukod sa inyo? kung sakali at may anak din sha sa iba, panu mo i handle ang ganung sitwashon kung nais din nya na makipag settle sayo par matapos nadin ang problem? this is only my opinion, would you still accept him ba, para maka pag umpisa ulet kayo. syempre lahat naman sa relashon ng mag asawa talagang dumadating ang ganyang mga problem. ako admittedly e cheater din, i don't deny it. because i am just a human being, i kept it secretly always. hanggant maitatago ko. pero savi nga walang lihim nadi nabubunyag diva? ang punto ko e, kung pwede paba i settle at maging cleared sa lahat kung pwee paba ipag patuloy ang relashon nyo o make another life para parehas kayo maka move on at maging good friends nalang, o totally got separated and set a new life ba para sa isat isa..
@ bonita111809, thanks sistah naka hanap ako ng kakampi..