Still Childless

[lisse]

I just need some advice, POVs, or kung anuman, even just some listening ear to vent out. Hubby and I have been married for almost 3 years now and ever since I am old enough to recognize what a family is, I always dreamed and hoped to be a mother someday. Sadly, it seems there's a possibility that I will not be a mother.

Just a bit of background info, I am in my late twenties, hubby is in his late thirties. I have no reproductive issues and my OB confirmed it just recently. Hubby never had any kids (he's  divorced) and I know way back when we were still dating that he had an accident back when he was 16. He crashed and the steering wheel hit his pelvis, crushed his "tubes" so his sperms, in layman's term, can't or have difficulty going out. After his failed marriage, he never really thought about having kids anymore until we met.

We haven't been to any doctors because he works off-shore. And his contract isn't done yet. A couple more years pa. We never used any contraceptives; sadly I never conceived. We are not rich, but we're doing very very good. We bought properties here and in the Philippines, have good jobs, no issues with our families and we can even afford to help out my younger siblings' education and sponsor them to study here in the US. Aside from the usual problems that married couples have, I can say our marriage is a great one. I am so busy with work and spending time with him whenever he's on RnR that after that stressful event in our lives when we tried to go to a fertility doctor in Thailand and we got treated badly hindi ko na ulit inungkat yung baby issue. Until now.

I just learned that my cousin in MA is pregnant na. She's been married for like 3-4 years na, we're the same age. I do not resent her having a baby, bec after everything she went through (major operation in the head), God blessed them with a baby. I love her like my own sister and she loves me too so I am really happy for her. But I can't help feeling envious especially when our relatives start asking me when is my turn.

As of this writing, naluluha ako. I am at work but I cannot focus. I dare not to open this to my husband because he will fly out back to his job again this week so I want us to just have a good time. When he leaves, mag-isa na lang ulit ako sa house. I have my friends and other close relatives nearby naman in our neighborhood, but you know what I mean.

When we asked for quotes for in vitro since this is the most feasible procedure that we can think of, nalula ako sa price and procedures. We can't afford it, time-wise and money-wise. We live about 3 hours' plane ride away from the facility.

So now, I am so sad once more. I want to count my blessings pero it still comes back to us being childless. I want to move on and embrace the fact that we will never have a child of our own and still be happy and fulfilled, and I am not sure we are open with adopting.

[jeune]

Hi sis! I know how you feel. I go thru envy, anger, sadness, depression, and the likes every month. I'm in my early 30's and hubby is in his late 20's, been married for almost 3 years and still childless. All our friends have gotten pregnant, had babies but us.

Despite of this, I learned how to be more patient, when I'm feeling sad, I pray and talk to God cause I know He will listen and it gives me hope. I always say that He will give me the desire of my heart in His time not mine. So right now, hubby and I just enjoy each other's company. We travel, go shopping, dine out, spend time with friends even if it means seeing their babies. I got to be a Godmother for the 4th time

Yaan mo sis, one day our greatest blessing will come. Hang in there!

[tomatostellar]

i don't know much, coz di pa naman ako married, pero mag reply na din ako
to sis lisse, I understand na since malayo si hubby e you want to spend time together na masaya lang so kaya umiiwas ka sa "baby discussion", pero I think better to talk to him about it next time na umuwi sya.  cause it's THAT important to you (and im sure it is to him as well), but maybe go easy on him? cause you know men=ego stuff.
imo, do everything that you can, and if you have to, make sacrifices if you really really want to have a baby.
If you think you've exhausted all your resources, then siguro pray and be patient na lang. kung para sayo dadating talaga yan, in His time.
sana i-bless na kayo w/ babies sis lisse and sis jeune ♥

[mrsB]

Ako naman, I am almost 34 (almost 35 si hubby). Late na kami nag-asawa ng husband ko, last January 2012 lang, tapos LDR pa kami. Pero inaantay ko na lang yung visa ko so magkakasama na kami permanently in two months siguro.

Since ikasal kami, 2 months and 3 weeks lang ang total days naming magkasama. So maliit lang talaga ang chance na mabuntis kaya walang pressure. But just last month, nalaman ko na may PCOS ako. I've read naman na madaming may PCOS pa rin ang nabubuntis pero syempre iniisip ko na rin ang edad ko, tumatanda na eh. Everyday, my chance of getting pregnant gets less and less.

With all honesty, it's ok for me not to have a child. Ang iniisip ko ay yung husband ko. Parang ang unfair lang. He's worked hard, he's successful in his career, pero baka di siya magka-anak. BECAUSE OF ME. I feel so guilty.

But whenever we talk about it, he's the one who's so cool about the situation. Ang sabi niya, kung wala eh di wala. And I believe him when he tells me that he wouldn't love me less kung di man kami magka-anak. Siguro swerte ako kasi as a couple, ok talaga kami. We've been together for more than 10 years now and talagang we couldn't imagine life without one another.

My husband and I are good and responsible people. We take our duties seriously. I believe that we deserve to have kids. So for now, we are really hoping.

Pero kung hindi talaga ipagkakaloob, wala naman kaming magagawa but to shift our attention to life's other blessings. My husband would always joke nga that by the time he reach the age of 40 na wala kaming anak, he would buy a Porsche para mas ok ang long drives namin. Then I can buy all those designer bags na gusto without feeling any guilt.

Minsan I can't help but question na kung bakit kung sino pa yung mga capable magraise ng kids eh sila pa ang hindi binibigyan. I have so may friends, as in MANY talaga, na very successful financially tapos happy couple pa, na wala pa ring anak hanggang ngayon. Most of them had already given up, talagang nagtatravel and nage-enjoy na lang. Yung isang friend ko bumili na ng condo sa Makati kasi tanggap na nila na hindi na sila magkaka-anak so di na nila kailangan ng bigger house with garden/backyard.

Sis lisse, eventually you and your husband should talk about the baby issue. Obviously, you want to have a baby badly pero siya mukhang hindi bothered sa pagiging childless ninyo. Kung hindi ninyo pagu-usapan ito, baka maging resentful ka rin sa kanya (which is not good for a marriage). Tell him everything, your thoughts and feelings about your current state of childlessness. Para magkaintindihan kayo at masolusyunan.

Sis jeune is right, let's be more patient. Ibibigay din sa atin ang para sa atin.

[babyboo.0326]

i think it's ok to feel envious, lisse. but never lose hope.

i know of a couple, they've been together for 15 years na and yet wala talaga silang naging babies. so don't think of your situation na para ma-sad ka. there are other people na mas nakaka-sad pa ang situation sayo. smile and just leave all the stress behind. in time, you will have one of your own din 

[lisse]

@ sis jeune, Thank you so much, I am a bit relieved to hear that these feelings are not naman abnormal sa situation natin kumbaga. I am not happy though with the thought na hindi tayo nagiisa sa ganitong sitwasyon kasi to be honest, ang sakit sa kalooban. I wish I can have your outlook. Hindi ko pa nga kayang mangumusta sa mga friends ko na kapapanganak palang. I always try to duck and evade their invites but I know sooner or later I have to suck it up and face it. Hopefully I will also gain your confidence.

sis tomatostellar, yes, gustung-gusto na din ni hubby magkaanak. he used to no longer believe in love and marriage and building a family after his failed marriage pero he found hope in me. and I feel his pain whenever the subject of babies comes up. napakabuti niyang tao. aside from his smart-mouth and temper wala na akong reklamo sa kanya, he deserves to have a chance to be a father bec I know he will be a good one. I am scared kasi, ayoko na siyang masaktan ulit. i know if hilingin ko sa kanya gagawin niya: he will give up his job now, his career and be here all the time to go to the doctors and facility. pero ayoko naman gawin sa kanya yon. I just don't know how to tell him.

Minsan I can't help but question na kung bakit kung sino pa yung mga capable magraise ng kids eh sila pa ang hindi binibigyan...

^exactly, my sentiments exactly! My husband have a 19-year old niece nabuntis ng bf and hindi pinannagutan, now she's back sa parents niya jobless and no means of raising her baby. and she told me, sana ako na lang daw yung buntis. i know she meant well pero para akong sinuntok don.

[tamarind26]

@ lisse : Sis, what you're going through is just normal. Besides, 3 years of marriage is still too early to give up hope. Continue to pray and see a specialist. I got pregnant at the age of 37 after 13 years of waiting & 8 obgynes from around the Philippines.... lol.  I didn't mind being childless when I was younger, kasi I was too occupied with a lot of things & I was happy (di ko masyado sineseryoso yung checkups & my relatives pasaring) but after tumuntong ako nang 35, nag iba na pananaw ko. Parang may kulang and I need to act on it or else magsisisi ako my entire life.

One Christmas, pinalabas sa tv yung show ni Howie Severino of gma7. Na-feature yung infertility doctors. It took a few months before ko nahanap yung OB na yun and in less than a month of seeing her, I got pregnant and now we have a 5 month old baby girl.

Don't be sad sis. It is just a phase. Not having a child now will not make you less of a woman. Basta be strong, do anything possible and continue praying, God will do the rest. 

[marose17]

I think you should discuss your options (IVF, adoption) with your husband.  Pray for wisdom so that you will know the right words to say to your husband.

I agree that it is normal to feel sad about your childless state, but you have to do something about it while you still can. If you do not try at all, you will always have this "what if?" feeling.

[Jeannef]

Hi sis!

First kausapin mo muna si hubby mo if willing siya ulit magtry and magpatest. Open communication sa kanya. Para sa Huli masasabing ninyong nagawa nyo lahat. Walang sisihan. Resentment etc.

Second hmmm kasi sabi mo nasira yung tubes ni hubby at nahihirapan makalabas ang sperms... Nung nagpatest ba sya ng sperm analysis may live? Kasi mayron iba zero sperm namamatay. Pwede sya caused dahil natrapped ang sperm sa loob... May dysfunction sa tubes... May bara? Hindi makahinga parang Ganun. Ikaw naman sabi mo Walang problem except kung nagpacheck kana rin ng immuno problems.

Third... Diba sis may properties kayo and all pati kaya mong pagaralin kapatid mo sa states. Meaning capable ka. Marami din dito sis nagiipon muna. If that's the only way diba gagawa ng paraan.

By the way my mom when she got pregnant 38-39 yrs old sya. IVF Lang option sa kanila and sa states sila dadalin kasi wala pa sa pinas ata nun that time. They don't have enough money pa nun. Ayun nabuo naman ako natural method. Mom ko may problem dad ko wala.

Pacheck up mo na hubby mo. Yung nagkadysfunction tubes nya pwede kumuha ng sperm sa loob mismo.

All the best sis. Pray and iwas stress. Magkakababy din tayo lahat dito.

[mrsonthego]

i read blogs like this:

http://childlessisnotless.blogspot.com/

i don't know these women, but reading them makes me feel like they're my soul sisters

[Myealexis21]

I feel for you Sis Lisse.  Di man kasing tagal ng paghihintay mo yung paghihintay ko...pero masakit talaga esp if you really wanted something.

I was very close to depression last october/november/december kase magLDR na kami ni hubby and wala pa rin kami nabubuo.  I am not  getting any younger and I really want to have kids na talaga.

Cry lang ako ng cry that time, feeling ko lahat na lang hiniling ko "no" ang answer.  Kahit malayo kami ni hubby nun, inopen ko sa kanya yung mga nararamdaman ko.  I asked him kung pano if di kami palarin magkaanak, he told me if yun ang mangyayari then i-accept na namin.  Hindi naman daw niya ako pinakasalan para magkaanak. Kahit papaano nahimasmasan ako nung sinabi niya yun sa akin.

Then later on naghanap ako ng inspirational write ups about yung mga hiling natin na di nangyayari.  Remember daw that God's timing is perfect, if ibibigay sa atin yung hinihiling natin, it would be at the best time possible.  If not naman, it would be the best scenario possible.  So I gave up wishing for a child, and started praying that His will be done and that He would help me accept kung whatever man yun ibigay niya sa aming sitwasyon.

Narealize ko rin na I should focus on things I can control...and that is something I can't control kaya I gave everything na to Him.  Minsan nalulungkot pa rin ako, but mabilis na nawawala unlike before na todo iyak ako.

[daveigh]

Alam kong ilang beses mo na rin nabasa/narinig ang mga salitang "In God's perfect time" and I tell you sis, it is true and kapitan mo lang ang mga salitang yan, malalampasan mo rin ang kalungkutan na nararamdaman mo.

There is nothing wrong to feel envious or sad in your situation, just remember to act on it wisely. Cry if you want, cry with your husband but make sure not to stay on that state.

Hindi ka nagiisa sis, marami na ang nagreply ng una sa akin and I am the same as them, we were blessed on our 4th yr of marriage na. On the waiting time, nuong una confident pa ako, then dumaan din ako sa depression. I also cried to my husband kung bakit, ano pa kaya ang kulang sa nagawa namin, baka may kasalanan ako at napaparusahan ako, all the possible excuses are thought of, and all possible means explored.

Met with a regular OB, then with a supposed infertility expert and then our blessing came with a veteran OB who helped us conceive in less than 2 months and with even less expenses than the previous one.  Dapat nga kung hindi na kami na-bless by that time we are targeting Intra Uterine Insemination na. If hindi pa rin we might have adopted, as in planado na.

But God's plan was even better pala. Conceived last december (on my birthmonth) when we were financially & emotionally capable. Lahat narealize namin when my dear baby came "Ah kaya pala".

Keep the faith, keep praying.

[trendy]

normal lang lahat ng nararamdaman mo sis. it's okto feel that pero don't dwell on it. instead, focus on your blessings - your marriage, for example. enjoy it, enjoy your life, enjoy the co. of your loved ones. mas madali mag conceive kung positive ang outlook natin sa buhay. and of course, pray. pray for guidance and strength. in time, you will find your answers. i wish you luck and happiness.

[PinKisH_23]

Hi sis, we're on our 8th year na kasal and wala parin kaming baby. Hubby's younger than I am and last year lang naconfirm na may PCOS ako. At first ang hirap isipin na ako ang reason kung bakit di pa kami magkaanak though hindi pa nacheck si hubby. Financially, I'm the breadwinner and di rin ako umaasa na magka anak pa because adding a baby to the picture would mean additional gastos. Pero kung dumating ang pagkakataon na magka anak di ko rin naman tatanggihan.

Nakakasad sya pero minsan acceptance is the key. 3 years palang kayo, marami pang pwedeng mangyari. Hubby and I are also open for adoption. Hopefully pag medyo naging ok finances namin at nabayaran na ang lahat ng dapat bayarin baka we will resort to this din in the future.

[lisse]

Just an update, hubby's back to work na. And like what our other sissies advised earlier, I opened up the topic to him. We both end up crying kasi we can't accept it yet. We have lots of things happening kasi, we just bought a new house here and remodelling, we're sponsoring my sis to come here, I'm starting school while working a new job. Were also paying for my younger siblings' schooling all of which we did on our own accord, nobody asked us for these. He asked me to give us a bit more time. Naiyak ako nung makita ko siyanh umiiyak. Alam niyo yung feeling na gustung gusto niyong gawin ang isang bagay pero andaming responsibilities ang nauna mong asikasuhin. I would never be this down naman if my relatives didn't harshly asked me about me getting pregnant. Then yesterday, that cousin messaged me on facebook. She's so nice to me kaya hindi ko siya magawang i-ignore. She just shared me her happiness and she's just a sweetie never kong naringgan how she also wishes to see me pregnant. I thought I'm okay na, then all a person has to do is ask me that question and boom! I'm a crying mess once more. Ang hirap talaga lalo na nung marinig ko na, "hindi kumpleto buhay ng isang babae if hindi siya magiging isang ina. Nag-asawa ka pa." Hindi ko magawang sumagot. I'm pretty much a smart mouth when provoked without a good reason pero after hearing those words parang nabobo ako.

[princeza08]

hi sis lisse! my symphaty is with you. i know how you feel. pinagdadaanan din namin ng hubby ko yan, pero wala pa kami 1 year na kasal but we are LDR. kaya alam ko na mas mabigat ang pinagdadaanan nyo. im turning 30 this year and my hubby is in early 30s. pero sis, isipin mo na lang, hindi ka nag-iisa sa mundo, marami din couples ang nag iintay ng blessing nila, marami pa nga dyan mas matagal pa sa inyo na nag iintay but no luck yet. pray hard lang sis. wag kang bibitaw sa Kanya kahit anong mangyari. ganito na lang isipin mo, ang pinaka important sa marriage is yung companionship nyong mag-asawa. di ba magkasama kayo sa hirap at sa ginhawa, in sickness and in health, till death do u part. pinakamalaking blessing sa mag asawa ang anak. pero pag yun mga anak nyo lumaki na at tumanda na din, magkakaroon na din sila ng sariling family nila at bubukod din sa inyong mag-asawa, kasi magkakaroon din sila ng sarili nilang buhay. so sa huli, kayong mag-asawa pa din ang magkasama, right? so, as of now, just enjoy the company of each other. malay nyo, there is a miracle na bigla magka baby na kayo. let God be the center of your relationship. and stay strong sis!

[Myealexis21]

, "hindi kumpleto buhay ng isang babae if hindi siya magiging isang ina. Nag-asawa ka pa."

That's harsh and insensitive of the person who said that
Kelangan ba pag nag asawa magkaraoon ng anak na agad ang reason? hindi ba pwedeng mahal niyo ang isa't isa and you want to live your whole life with that person ang dahilan?

I think its not that your life will be incomplete if you don't have a child... rather mas magiging kumpleto kapag nagkaanak ka.  You alone as a person is a whole being, complete ka na, in God's eyes you are perfect.  And remember your happiness does not depend on other people.  happiness comes from within ourselves.

[princeza08]

korek, napaka insensitive nga ng nagsabi non, hindi siguro nila pinagdaanan kaya wala silang paki kung ano sabihin nila. not knowing na nakakasakit na pala. anyways, wag mong isipin yun mga ganong comments sis. madedepress ka lang lalo. ang importante kahit anong mangyari nagmamahalan kayong mag asawa kesa naman sa mga nagsasabi na pamilya nga daw sila, pero napipilitan na lang magsama silang mag asawa dahil sa mga anak nila. maswerte ka sis kasi meron kang asawa na nagmamahal sayo at umiintindi. kesa i compare mo sarili mo sa iba, nabuntis na at lahat, di naman pinanagutan ng lalaki. o di ba, iba pa din yun feeling na may nagmamahal sayo inspite of the shortcomings. wala namang perfect relationship eh. try nyo sis mag adopt kayo ng child wala naman masama, legal, or kung may mga kapatid kayo na di kaya alagaan anak nila, pwede naman ganon.

[mspepot]

Hubby and i are on an ldr he's a seaman and weve been married for almost a year. For almost 2 years now we've been trying to have a child pero wala pa din hopefully sana ngayon makabuo na bago siya ulit umalis for work. Im in my early 30's si hubby is in his late 30's nung early part ng relationship namin ok lang sa akin na hindi kame magka baby ganun din si hubby pero now gusto ko talaga magka baby kahit isa lang kaya nagpaalaga talaga ako sa ob ko dahil may pcos ako and nagka cysts ako before sa right ovary ko. I still believe that God will give us this baby in His right time siguro lang minsan may instances na naiingit ako sa mga friends ko lalo na pag nakikita ko yung mga anak nila. Prayers lang mga sis

[phurple0515]

i agree, if it comes, it will come.  the more you put pressure on yourself to have a baby, minsan parang nauudlot pa.  Just pray.