After discovering that he cheated, how did u move on? ok pa kayo or hindi na?

[engroselle]

mga sis tinanong ko asawa ko kung pinagmit niya yung surname, di nya daw alam, tinanong daw sya, sabi nya bahala ka. sabi ko bakit ganun ang sagot nya, di man lang nya sinabing wag na at para pag nagasawa, di madaming apelyido anak nya. sabi ko kasi baka nagbabait baitan ka pa sa babae kaya yung babae umaasang balang araw maging kayo. tapos kung nagkaanak sa iba, yung bata may habol sa ari-arian? hay sari sari talaga pumapasok sa utak ko. 

sis, if i were you, imbestigahan mo na yan. hindi pwedeng hindi nya alam. kasi pipirma sya sa birth cert ng bata. kahit hindi sila kasal, pumipirma pa rin ang father sa likod ng birth cert. kahit hindi sila kasal, acknowledged ng tatay na tama na ilagay ang name nya as father. yun ang purpose nun... hindi ko lang sure kung pwedeng gamitin ng illegitimate child ang surname ng tatay, kahit hindi kasal ang parents, lalo na kung papayag ang father...

pwede ka namang kumuha online. as long as alam mo ang name ng bata, date of birth, name ng girl, etc. try mo sa site ng NSO... mahirap kasi sa sitwasyon mo kasi ikaw ang sumusuporta sa hubby mo. if ever na pinagamit ni hubby yung surname nya, kawawa ka in terms of conjugal properties nyo. lalabas na ikaw pa nagsusupport sa kalokohan ng hubby mo...

with my case, alam kong hindi nya pinagamit surname nya kasi i have a copy of the birth cert ng bata. nagbayad pako sa private investigator. i needed to know kasi yung background ng babae dahil wala akong mahihitang info kay hubby. e di gumawa ako ng paraan... sinabi ko kay hubby na pag pinagamit nya ang apelyido nya sa kabila, maghiwalay na lang kami. dahil wala na syang itinira sa amin kung pati yun ipapagamit pa nya...

[destiny_27]

haist sis, i dont know what to say na. i always believe in fair judgement so i was about to say na baka naman hindi alam ni mistress na married na hubby mo but i changed my mind when i think about your side coz it will never be fair. 

but then sis, after reading sis gabrielle's thread (here's the link: http://www.femalenetwork.com/girltalk/index.php?action=search2) nakakapanghinayang yung mga moments niyo na sana happy kayo pero hindi kasi you were deeply hurt and i can only imagine kung gano kahirap mag forgive and forget. you cant just pretend na you're happy when you're not.

i hope and pray na you can work things out na.. i know you're strong and i salute you for that..

[aquacharly]

 After a betrayal, it is really impossible to trust as much as you did before.
Kahit na itali nya sarili nya sa yo 24/7, there will be times of doubt.  you just have to live with it, and learn to deal with it quickly.

I like to think that behind every disaster is something valuable; that a disaster provides an opportunity to step up.   When I learned about my husband's betrayal, in a way that he could not deny (God's hand really) --  I knew that was the lowest point in my life but I also grew strong because of it.  So, I said to myself, this is what true disaster feels like, and I am still alive, and I believe I can go on on my own and make a better life for me and my kids.   As for my husband, he realized with 100% certainty that the most important thing for him is his family, and that he should do everything to henceforth keep it safe and intact.

Did he cry when he said sorry?   The next day, he cried.  When he sensed my detachment and mindset to kick him out of my life.  He begged for just one more chance.  Claro: just 1 more chance.

After that, we became different people.  Meaning, I was not the same person he married, nor was he the same person I married.   IMO, therein lies the hope that our marriage will continue till death do us part.. that we are now more than just the persons we married.   The acceptance of that fact, that we are different people now, is what keeps me from feeling the pain of betrayal nowadays.  When I do remember it, infrequently, it is with amusement.  I laugh at him, I laugh at her... and he laughs at the both of them.   lol    1 of the things we are clear about is... I am not the person  to be laughed at, I am not at fault though I had my share of faults too.   

If you call that Forgiveness, sige.  For me, it is Acceptance.   But it sure isn't Forgetting... that should never be done: Forgetting.  Otherwise, history will repeat itself.   

[engroselle]

i really dont believe in forgive and forget. no one in his right mind would ever forget a betrayal.

true that we became different persons nung nangyari sa amin to. ako, i was looking for the man i married. i was thinking kung may slightest part of that person na na andun pa sa taong katabi ko every night. i began to doubt myself also. was i really open to the idea that we stay together o nabubulagan lang ako ng love?...

pero when i think of the kids, nababago desisyon ko. wala silang kasalanan. bakit kelangang sila magdusa? i'll give my husband 1 more chance, but if he blows it, that's it. i told him that. i'm taking the kids with me.

acceptance is what i'm working on. and it ain't easy...

^sis destiny, hindi ko maopen yung thread...

[aquacharly]

^ When I said we  are no longer the persons we married, it does not mean we are totally 100% different.  Just that, with what happened in our lives, we gained a bigger perspective, and hopefully -- became better people who overcame it.

That is what most women say:  "for the sake of the kids".  I will share with you that my siblings and I grew up in a tense household because of a father who had a mistress, and a mother who would not kick her husband out inspite of  repeating "last" chanceS.   Sure, we knew it wasn't our fault... our lola would frequently tell us.. problema yan nang 2 matanda, hindi kayo ang problema.  Fine.  But it did not keep me and some of my siblings from praying that they would separate, so we could all lead normal lives.   A tense marital relationship makes the home tense.   

So there, if you are gonna "forgive", better to strive for Acceptance... that sh1t hits the fan, and sh1t happens to good people too.   

[destiny_27]

sis, search na lang the key word "freshly widowed". that's the only result that you will get.

[mstina]

Ngayon lang ako nakarelate sa ganito mga sis. Kanina ko lang na discover na may iba na pala hubby ko. Tulug kasi siya kala niya nasa office ako. Pag-uwi ko ng bahay nagtaka ko may extra phone siyang chinacharge. Pagbasa ko ng message aba nandilat ang mata ko kasi may mga i love you pa!

Nag-usap kami. Dineny nya at 1st pero napaamin ko din. Grabe yung iyak ko as in ang sakit na di ko matanggap. Sorry siya ng sorry. Di nya daw yon mahal, ako daw ang mahal niya. Pero yung hubby ko kasi yung type na ayaw ng kulitan makipag-usap. So katagalan nairita na rin siya (kapal ng mukha!) sabi nya uwi muna daw siya sa kanila. Di nya na daw ako mahal. Maghiwalay muna daw kami. At 1st pinigilan ko kasi gusto ko makapag-usap kami. So parang naging ok kami for a few hours. Pero di talaga maalis sa isip ko. Naiimagine ko talaga kung ano na kaya mga ginawa nila. So nung mga 8pm, Pinaalis ko rin siya. sabi ko parang wala na kong tiwala talaga sa kanya. Parang wala din kasi akong masyadong effort na nakikita sa kanya para maalis yung sama ng loob ko.

Siguro nga talagang totoo na hindi niya na talaga ako mahal. masakit mang tanggapin pero bakit ko ipipilit ang sarili ko sa taong ayaw na sa akin. Pero di ko talaga matanggap kasi nung bf-gf pa kami, talagang mahal na mahal niya ko. Lately, hindi naman siya cold pero may feeling ako na wala ng intimacy. Para na lang kaming friends. I brought it up pero sabi niya ok lang daw kami. Normal daw yon kasi 7years na kami together. Ewanko ba. Napahaba yata yung post ko. Sori mga sis wala lang ako talagang ibang masasabihan.

[michipoo]

^omg sis sorry for that pray lang. Baka maayos niyo pa. Ngayon baka shocked ka pa sa nangyare pero sa mga susunod na araw mas mararamdaman mo yung pain kasi mag sisink in na ang lahat sayo. sana makaya natin lahat yo. hugs sis!

[confusedgirl51]

mga sis tinanong ko asawa ko kung pinagmit niya yung surname, di nya daw alam, tinanong daw sya, sabi nya bahala ka. sabi ko bakit ganun ang sagot nya, di man lang nya sinabing wag na at para pag nagasawa, di madaming apelyido anak nya. sabi ko kasi baka nagbabait baitan ka pa sa babae kaya yung babae umaasang balang araw maging kayo. tapos kung nagkaanak sa iba, yung bata may habol sa ari-arian? hay sari sari talaga pumapasok sa utak ko. 

If I were you sis, magresearch ka on your own. Wag mo ipaalam sa husband mo. Kunin mo NSO birth certificate ng bata kasi conjugal properties niyo nakataya jan. Buti sana kung parehas niyong pinaghirapan yan ng asawa mo para kahit may mapunta sa anak niya sa labas. Eh ang lagay ikaw pala breadwinner, tama ng sinuportahan mo siya at ng pamilya niya, aba ang swerte naman yata kung pati anak niya sa labas ikaw pa rin susuporta. Saka hindi pwedeng hindi alam ng asawa mo kung sa kanya yong surname na ginamit ng bata dahil may pipirmahan siya doon. Illegitimate child gets 1/2 of the share of the legitimate child. Maaring ngayon hindi maghahabol ang nanay ng bata but when the expenses comes, i doubt it. lalo na pag nag-aral yan. Naku ang mahal kaya magpa aral ngayon, unless na mayaman ang nanay ng bata or has pride enough para tumahimik na lang (I doubt it) Kadalasan kasi makakapal mukha ng mga kabit (Censya galit ako sa mga kanit eh lol)

[fegloria1954]

"Forgive and forget" is a myth.

That is what I learned when my husband and I worked the Retrouvaille Program into our lives.

When one forgives, one lets go of the anger, hurt, and other negative feelings one feels.  But one will never forget what happened.  Because that is how the human brain is constructed.  You may think that you have already forgotten it, but the reality is, the memory had been merely pushed back into the deeepest recesses of your mind.  But one thing is sure, if you have forgiven, when you remember the incident or the deed, you will not have any negative feelings anymore.

And indeed, it is true.  It has happened to me.

Mommy Fe

[gab54]

While reading this thread, sumasakit ang dibdib ko. 
i have forgiven my hubby for betraying me, pero masakit parin everytime i remember. and trust? hindi na tulad ng dati. before, buong buo ang tiwalang binigay ko, sinira niya. although he stopped na (he claims), diko alam pano mawala ang sakit. pero i treat him very well, and always nice & sweet, i want him to know anong mawawala sa kanya pag inulit pa niya. kasi honestly, pag inulit pa niya, ayoko na 

[chiz_06]

it's been 10mos now since my husband cheated on me...the pain is still the same...and i'm having difficulty moving on..i'm trying to forget all the things that happened..but it's really hard...emotionally and mentally tortured...haaaaaaaaaayssss...

[smoothie]

ako 4 months sis. pareho din tayo ng nararamdaman. i honestly can say that i'm a wrecked right now.

[chiz_06]

^hirap sis noh...kahit pilitin natin sarili natin kalimutan ang hirap...sabi nga ng husband ko dina daw kase ako tumitigil...sabi ko kala ba niya masaya ako sa ganitong nararamdaman ko...hirap kaya..kala kase nila ganun kabilis kalimutan at tanggapin....

[gab54]

maharap talaga mga sis, pero dapat kayanin. read a lot of books about this. we have to understand that there are stages.
first na malaman mo, labasan ng mga negative emotions - anger, hurt, depression, insecurity, shock, etc.
pag nagdecide tayong mag forgive at start all over again, puro positive emotions - we feel happy, hopeful, triumphant (dahil he choose us), at peace, forgiving, etc.
then when things are better, biglang may second wave ng negative emotons (all over again). third stage ay bumabalik ang sakit na parang kahapon lang nangyari. ito daw ang pinaka mahirap na stage. minsan pag hindi mo nakayanan, mag hihiwalaway na kayo ng tuluyan. pero pag nakayanan ninyo, move on kayo na next stage.
fourth stage yung acceptance. dito natanggap na ninyo na things will never ever be the same again. hindi na talaga babalik ang dating pagsasama after the betrayal. pero not necessarily bad, it could be better. marriage. kasi this time both of u know u need to make effort to make this work. mas realistic, forgiving, understanding, mas effort.
sana lahat tayo malagpasan na ang mga stages at maging stronger ang marriage after the betrayal.

[passionfruity]

^ thanks for your input sis gab54. You are right di talaga madali ang process of acceptance and mending stage. Nag self diagnose na nga ako ng recurrent depression kasi may time na ok na ako super love ko na ulit si hubby pero after a few days ayan na nanaman at inaatake nnaman ako ng paranoia at insecurity and jealousy. Nagigising nga ako sa morning na galit sa mundo lalo na sa asawa ko, kahit ilang beses na namin napag usapan at naayos ang problema, all of a sudden gusto ko nanaman syang pukpukin ng martilyo.

Sinasabi ng utak ko iforgive ko na ng totoo asawa ko at alam ko yun ang dapat at tama pero inientertain ko parin ang anger ko at hinahayaang imanipulate ako. And its true things will never be the same again kahit pa magkaayos kayo ng asawa mo.. just like me..I chose my family over my job. Nagfull time mom/wife. only to be disappointed in the end. Kaya ngayun sabi ko sa hubby ko di ko na ibibigay ang buong buhay ko at idisregard ang personal dream ko. Di na ako papayag na ikulong nya lang ako sa bahay at gawing nanny ng mga  anak nya tapos mag hahanap sya ng thrill at excitement sa mga babaeng naka  uniform, naka makeup at my career kasi ako asawa ,yaya nalang ang arrive sa kanya at wala ng magic.

[NyLyM_nAyR]

5 years of marriage, he cheated more than 5..sabe niya yung mga fling daw is not considered cheating..now were separated pero hindi pa legally. he's planning to file for annulment [textspeak!] mga 2 years from now. he has a gf now and he said he loves her so much..
for me, i already have a boyfriend na rin..though it took me a while, alam mo naman dito saten di nila tanggap yung mga ganyang bagay unless separada ka na talaga at nabalik ka na sa apelyido mo nung dalaga..
inisip ko lang na hindi siya worth it..na siguro napagod na rin kase paulit ulit..kaya mas ok talaga na bukod sa asawa mo, may mga friends ka pa rin na nakapalibot sayo..tapos yung work ko helped me a lot nagpakabusy lang ako ayun bilang one day paggising ko di na masakit wala na kong paki..

[gab54]

you're welcome, passionfruity.

NyLyM_nAyR, if he cheated on u 5x, surely he'll cheat on this girl he claims to love now...

[BigMumay]

For me to forgive I had a lot of praying,....
To forget,..I have to exhume my strength for a lot of praying pa rin.

Kung ako lang baka matagal ko na siyang nataga 

[smoothie]

^ thanks for your input sis gab54. You are right di talaga madali ang process of acceptance and mending stage. Nag self diagnose na nga ako ng recurrent depression kasi may time na ok na ako super love ko na ulit si hubby pero after a few days ayan na nanaman at inaatake nnaman ako ng paranoia at insecurity and jealousy. Nagigising nga ako sa morning na galit sa mundo lalo na sa asawa ko, kahit ilang beses na namin napag usapan at naayos ang problema, all of a sudden gusto ko nanaman syang pukpukin ng martilyo.

Sinasabi ng utak ko iforgive ko na ng totoo asawa ko at alam ko yun ang dapat at tama pero inientertain ko parin ang anger ko at hinahayaang imanipulate ako. And its true things will never be the same again kahit pa magkaayos kayo ng asawa mo.. just like me..I chose my family over my job. Nagfull time mom/wife. only to be disappointed in the end. Kaya ngayun sabi ko sa hubby ko di ko na ibibigay ang buong buhay ko at idisregard ang personal dream ko. Di na ako papayag na ikulong nya lang ako sa bahay at gawing nanny ng mga  anak nya tapos mag hahanap sya ng thrill at excitement sa mga babaeng naka  uniform, naka makeup at my career kasi ako asawa ,yaya nalang ang arrive sa kanya at wala ng magic.

sis, may I ask what did you do to move on? Parang ganyan din kasi nararamdaman ko, happy, depressed then angry the next.

Alam ko naman na since binalikan ko siya na I have to suck this up. But emotions ko iba ang naiisip. Hirap na hirap na rin ako. I don't want this side of me.