When You Know a Family Member is Dying

[wkt]

concerned din talaga ako kasi tho hindi ako ang panganay, malamang ako ang magaasikaso nyang mga bagay na yan when the time comes.  nasa abroad kasi ang big brother ko and yung mga kapatid kong iba naman mga bata pa talaga--as in college students lang.  malay ba nung mga yun di ba.

mas gusto ko cremation tsaka wala ng viewing-viewing.  ayoko na kasing mag-asikaso ng bisita. gusto ko private mourning---tipong magwala ka and maglupasay ok lang. di ko na iisipin yung 'nakakahiya sa bisita' or kung may food pa para sa bisita etc. atsaka yung mga comment na 'parang natutulog lang' doesnt appeal me.  mas gusto kong naalala na lang ng tao yung buhay ako/kami kesa may image silang maaalala na parang natutulog lang...mashado bang selfish? hehe...

it was like that when my stepmom died from cancer. she stayed sa morgue ng st.lukes parang 1-2 days yata pagkamatay nya before she was cremated sa chinese cemetery.  im not sure if she was embalmed.  nagkaron lang ng mass before she was cremated and it was attended by i think 100+ people or so.  friends and family na yun. after ng mass kumanta lang yung choir group ng step mom ko mga 3 songs, then may refreshments na niserve then uwian na.  nasa casket yung stepmom ko nun during the mass but it was closed, so in short wala din talagang 'viewing'  i guess pareho kami ng tatay ko magisip -- he'd rather have people remember my stepmom na magada at buhay instead of looking bloated, bald and kulay talong (all of these becoz of cancer).  immediate family na lang ang pinayagan na makakita sa katawan ng stepmom ko before siya ipasok dun sa furnace.  ganung klase ng service ang gusto ko--very short and solemn.

actually may mga ibang kamag-anak na may negative comment about dun sa desicion ng tatay ko na wala ng burol pero sabi nya pakialam daw ba nila eh di naman sila ang gagastos at magpapakapagod. blessing na din na matigas ang ulo ng tatay ko...,walang napagod samin sa family dahil sa mga lamay etc. tska nakapag-mourn talaga kami ng maayos.  i guess i need to interview my dad about the arrangements he made very soon.

btw, ang urn ng stepmom ko nasa house lang ng tatay ko.  no need to visit the cemetery pag araw ng patay.

[freeswan]

ayan na naman ang kwento si sis aquacharly. hehe.. nakakatawa kasi magkwento si sis aquacharly kaya kahit mahaba, naaaliw ako. anyway, tama siya, the bulk of the responsibility when a parent dies is the eldest. maybe because, the partner of the one who died can't cope yet. when  my father almost died last year because of aneurysm, kinabahan ako but i kept my cool kasi alam ko ako magdedecide sa mga bagay bagay because even my mom could not think straight. they are all in the province and i think that helped because everytime i cry, d nila ako nakikita. and i just communicate through text, sa insurance, bills, etc...

[patchuchai]

hi folks,
story ko, my mom got sicked aneurysm, actually pangit prognosis nung doc [textspeak!] ayaw na namin paoperahan, kaya nag-anticipate na kami, kaso philam memorial plan lang meron ako, i could transfer kay mother problem eh [textspeak!] memorial lot, ayaw na rin [textspeak!] ng mom ko dun siya ilibing sa province [textspeak!] nga magastos, ayaw niyang ma-cremate. pag-sisi ko bat hindi kami kumuha ng memorial plan and lot nung nakuha ng tatay ko retirement pay niya. ngaun im in rizal, madami dito kaso nakita ko sa web forest lawn memorial park, kakausap ko lang sa kanila 55k tcp, kaso wala naman akong cash, so far inisip ko installment, kaso hindi mo pala ma-intransfer unless fully paid mo na.
siya nga pala, gumaling mom ko, kaya eto naghahanda na ako.

naging aware din mga kamag-anak ko kasi namatayan sila, tapos typical filipino hindi nakahanda bumili pa sila ng isusuot nung patay sa quiapo, eh mabuti kapitbahay nila agent ng st peter nakakuha sila, burol 1 wik tapos cremate. 50k+ package. ayun kukunan nila mother nila incase ano man mangyari.

mabuti pa itong isang relative namin, sunod sunod namatay sa kanila pero nakapaghanda sila 4slots 50k each. tapos eto pa iba pa pala bayad kapag magpapahukay ka, sa forest lawn 20k siya, lapida, chairs, tents hindi daw pwedeng ma-installment or makasama sa memorial lot package iyon.

siguro sa panahon ngaun, dapat maging ready na [textspeak!], kapag mag-aasawa kumuha na kau, dapat isama din sa company benefits aside from health eh [textspeak!] memorial kahit shoulder na ng employees.

[chinkywinky]

My MIL just died last year, and it was so hard then because we really had no choice but to wait for her to die. We stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks, she had her birthday there and a week after her bday, she died. But before she left, she entrusted everything to us even in her ill-stricken voice. Like the land out of town, their city home, her jewelries to me. Before she died, she refused to take anything: food, water, medicines. She was living then because of dextrose. Then the day before she died, she told us that she wanted to go home, then we fixed our bills the same day and went home. We have accepted then that we have no choice, the ugly thing will happen soon and the worst part, we were waiting for her to die and we can't do anything to save her, but pray. Dead-end. The emotion was high, clock was ticking. We were just thankful for she died painless and in peace.

[patchuchai]

My MIL just died last year, and it was so hard then because we really had no choice but to wait for her to die. We stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks, she had her birthday there and a week after her bday, she died. But before she left, she entrusted everything to us even in her ill-stricken voice. Like the land out of town, their city home, her jewelries to me. Before she died, she refused to take anything: food, water, medicines. She was living then because of dextrose. Then the day before she died, she told us that she wanted to go home, then we fixed our bills the same day and went home. We have accepted then that we have no choice, the ugly thing will happen soon and the worst part, we were waiting for her to die and we can't do anything to save her, but pray. Dead-end. The emotion was high, clock was ticking. We were just thankful for she died painless and in peace.

Hi! im curious, anong naging sakit niya?

[JayLan]

My father was bedridden for almost 3 months before he died. The 3rd time he had a stroke, he wasn't able to recover.  Weeks in the hospital, until the doctor told us that only prayers can save my father. So, he advised us its time to bring my father home as medicines and science can no longer help my father recover.  They can only prolong his life for weeks or months but impossible to be alive longer than that as he (my father) was already deteriorating. We can see then that anytime, he will leave us.  We were preparing ourselves then that anytime my father will die.  The entire time that my father was in bed, we've been seeing his sufferings... It was really painful.  I cried almost everyday. One time, my mom told my dad that we're ready, he can now go as he has suffered a lot already. Sabi ng mom ko sa dad ko "sana pag umalis ka na, yung wala kaming lahat para hindi masyadong masakit yung pag-alis mo".  The only time na wala kaming lahat sa house was when we attended the wedding of my dad's favorite niece... we made sure na laging me naiiwan na isa sa amin sa house kasama ng nag-aalaga sa dad ko every minute of the day.

Wedding day of my cousin, i was one of the bridesmaids. Kasama ko si mom at brother ko sa church. Nagtataka ako, ako na lang ang naiwan biglang nawala ang mom at brother ko on the way to the reception. That time my cellphone was lowbat, hiniram ko yung charger ng cousin ko na bride, kasi gusto kong matawagan ang mom at brother ko, then i went up to their room at the hotel to charge my cellphone.  That time, all my relatives knew na pala na my father died kasi itinawag na ng nag-aalaga sa kanya sa brother ko. Ayaw lang nilang malaman ng bride at groom para di naman maging malungkot ang reception nila. At ako din since daddy's girl ako... nahirapan silang sabihin sa kin.  Sinundan nila ako papunta sa room ng hotel... Tapos ayun na, they told me my father died na minutes ago.  Yung pain na naramdaman ko the fact that my kakampi, my kamukha, yung kasama ko sa lahat lahat, sa hirap at ginhawa, sa pagtatakipan namin sa isat isa, yung pagkakampihan namin sa lahat ng bagay... wala na lahat yon.

Prayers... prayers... prayers... It has helped me a lot to accept things and to recover.  Praying has helped me ease the pain of loosing a father and a bestfriend.

[chinkywinky]

Hi! im curious, anong naging sakit niya?

Cancer.

[deesosexcy]

hay..bat napadaan nga ba sa thread nato..im at work and ngayon nalulungkot ako na i wanted to cry..nakita ko ang uncle ko namatay sa harap ko mismo..october 28,2009 9:55am..wednesday..sa kwarto nya..

story:
my mom has a brother which is also matandang binata (67yo) and eversince i was little, he took care of me..i was his favorite pamangkin since 3 lang kami apo ng lola ko..i was the youngest..he was the one na nagasikaso ng paperworks ko para makapunta america,then was very dissapointed ng pinauwi ako dito ng aunt ko kasi naging bad girl ako dun..he was the one who enrolled me and supported my education in de la salle,nagloko din ako at nabuntis,,so stop school na..maaga nag asawa,my uncle is also the one who was there and my mom throughout my pregnancy,labor,and pagkapanganak..he loved my daughter so much (his only apo sa pamangkin)..

september 14,2008 sunday night,kumakain kami dinner,nakita ko pagewang gewang maglakad c uncle,i asked if okay lang sya,he said he is fine,then 11pm sabi nya saken "dianne hinaan mo ang tv" that was the last thing he said to me..the next day i woke up at 7am, stroke na uncle ko,ginising ako ng katulong namin, "ate dianne c uncle mo hindi gumagalaw" tapos i saw him nakaupo umihe na all over the place.we rushed him at the hospital..to make it short..1yr syang stroke as in half body paralyzed..then...

September 2009 he started loosing appetite to eat..as in dati kahit stroke na sya,kumakain sya using his left hand,antakaw pa..so pabalik balik kami ospital confine..and then mid October 2009 nilagyan na sya ng tubo sa nose (NGT) kasi ayaw na talaga kumain,tapos we found out may malaki syang bukol sa sikmura in between liver and pancreas,naiipit na daw ang mga yun,kaya naninilaw ang katawan nya..tapos ini-xray din sya..found out may liver cancer na uncle ko kumalat na din paakyat sa lungs nya metastesis ata tawag dun mga 15 bukol nakita sa lungs... then me and my mom was devastated..grabe..i skipped work for weeks..walang sweldo..doctor told us na hindi na magtatagal uncle ko..iuwi nalang daw..nagdadalamhati kami..dumating ang lunes ng gabi hirap sya huminga Oct.26..sabi ng doctor oras nalang hinihintay ng uncle ko.. Tuesday morning Oct.27 aba! parang himala at ang lakas nya,pumayag syang magpaligo at igala sa wheelchair sa bakuran namin..nood pa tv maghapon at ngumingiti pa sya ha..then came Wednesday Oct.28.. i can say it was the saddest day of my life so far.. 9:15 am kumakain na naman ako,narinig ko sigaw ng 2 katulong namin..tumakbo ko sa kwarto..i saw my uncle ang laki ng mata! parang nakakita ng multo..tapos ayaw na magsara ng mata nya..so iyakan na kaming lahat..nagtagal pa sya halos 30mins..tapos nagbless na kaming lahat sa kanya..my god..nasa harap nya mismo ako kami ni mother..hawak kamay..nalagutan sya ng hininga..

after nya mailibing..mga 2wks after,my mom was cleaning his closet..she found a very old bible..may nahulog na lumang yellow pad nakatupi at kinalawang na ang paper clip..letter yun ng uncle ko Dasal sya..im guessing mga 5yo na ang sulat na yun as in sobrang luma na talaga...grabe na naman bigat sa loob namin,ang uncle ko tiniis ang lahat ng nararamdaman nya buong buhay nya..napaka old fashioned kasi noon,first time lang nya nagpadoctor at confined ng mastroke sya..
nakalagay sa sulat lahat ng sakit sa katawan nya at alam na pala nya na nastroke sa mild lang sa braso years back pero WALANG nakaalam ni isa samin..alam nya din ang hapdi ng sikmura nya (which ended to be a liver cancer) at lahat lahat pa..nagdadasal sya sa panginoon na pagalingin sya..at yun na nga...

MODS and mga sis..sorry if this is superrrrrrrrr novela na ha..
naalala ko lang ang uncle ko..he's is like a father to me talaga..iisang bahay kami tumira simulat sapol pinanganak ako sya na ang tatay tatayan ko..  yan im super sad...

[artegirl]

^^^sis JayLan,  ako naman 1 regret ko in life was I was not with my dad when he passed away.  Alam na alam ko na "waiting"na lang kami, pero pumasok pa ko sa office kasi I have an important meeting....

[wkt]

awkward pero natanong ko yung tatay ko last weekend regarding the arrangements he made para dun sa stepmom ko na namatay last 2006.  sabi nya hindi na daw ni-embalm yung stepmom ko.  sinundo na lang daw ng funeral service provider (family friend namin) after 4 days sa morgue ng st.lukes for transport sa chinese cemetery kung san siya ike-cremate.  wala ng viewing diba, so from st.lukes, direcho na sa cemetery pero before siya ipasok dun sa crematorium eh nag-mass muna.  ginastos daw ng tatay ko is just around 12k for everything.  8k yung cremation service sa chinese cemetery, 2k lang ang binayad nya dun sa funeral service kasi pag-transport lang naman nung cadaver ang ginawa nila and free naman casket since family friend nga, then another 2k for the urn.  i think inabot din ng mga 4k-5k yung refreshments na ni-serve after the mass kasi andaming tao pumunta nun so parang mga 16-17k din inabot lahat-lahat.

btw, pag pala kine-cremate di na daw sinasama yung casket.  talagang body na lang yung sinusunog.  yung casket daw usually dino-donate sa mga mahihirap na baranggay, to be re-used by indegenous people na binuburol sa baranggay hall.  ganun pala yun.

natatawa yung tatay ko sa akin nung kinausap ko siya tungkol dun, ang morbid ko raw. kako naman atleast alam ko na ano gagawin ko pag time na nya, otherwise ibabalot ko na lang siya sa banig sabay tapon sa manila bay. hehe

[greyzie]

@sis aquacharly: thank you for your insights.. kahit  morbid yun topic, can`t help but be amused by your posts

[aquacharly]

WKT  tama yang ginagawa mo,  gathering practical info for the inevitable.  Eh doon naman talaga ang bagsak nating lahat.

My brother's death was the 1st in the family.
So natural lang talaga disoriented ka, and it is all alien ground ika nga.
I was Head of the Contingent to the Loyola Guadalupe.

At 1st hindi ko alam my mom had plans, tuliro eh.  wala daw or ewan.
Pag step mo sa Loyola:  1st question: meron or walang Plan. 
Wala sabi ko
They brought us to a room.  OO we were in grief pero hindi naman ako t@nga or bingi...   narinig ko:   eto P1.3Million, ang mas maganda etong P1.5Million.  etc etc etc
Teka, Mr. eh hindi ako bumibili ng car, casket ang hanap ko.
Hindi rin ako magpapakasal nang kapatid,  embalment lang atchaka ang wake sa Santuario San Jose.

Pagsampal ko sa kanya ng ganoon, tadah!  there is another room where the prices of the caskets range from P50 or P60 ata ang lowest upwards.

Mga sis, parang supermarket shelving tactics ... ang mas mahal eh andoon sa tapat ng mukha mo.  The one lower is  cheaper by say P30thou ganoon.  Naka grouping groupiong sila .. yumuki ka or lumuhod para makita the lower priced ones. 

Tapos, nang matawag sa amin na nahanap ng Old Yaya the file of prepaid Loyola plans -- they checked the number of teh plan to see what is included in that.   
Well, hindi kagulat gulat ha na they will point to the cheapest casket as the one that is now equivalent to the "current worth" of your prepaid plan.

Eh di upgrade ka.   
Tapos hindi pa natapos ang panloloko dyan... like TAMARIND said, after the embalming eh sasabihin the 1 you bought hours ago eh hindi kasya ang body.. so either downgrade ka with no refund or upgrade ka.

[aquacharly]

Eto pa ha... ang bilis nila gets the body from the hospital.... wow, super service.

Pagdating mo sa Loyola eh akala nga namin noong una hindi kami gagamit ng plan...  sabi ba naman we will pay for a wake there.  Sabi ko hindi... kasi na reserve ko na the capilla beside our church Santuario San Jose.   Eh hindi daw puede embalm doon kung hindi wake doon.  Sabi ko bahala kayo sige, pa getz ko sa Crame.. tapos isumbong ko kayo ... naisip ko l1ntek na ito ... parang hospital na kelangan tapalan mo ng pera kahit na emergency case ka.

O sige daw, kasi inisip siguro anak ako ng General or whoever sa government office.   Kasi dinagdagan ko pa na ... pasilip ko nga license to operate nyo.   hehe   kapal nila ha....

Hindi pa natapos dyan their attempts to take crude advantage of the bereaved ha... eh na icuento ko na the casket na hindi daw kasya our tall brother na hindi na refund at all the price difference ha.

(What am I trying to say?  Magdala kayo nang measuring tape when you buy a casket?  OMGrief !  only in Loyola Guadalupe or all kaya Loyola?!)

After the Santuario wake, the body would be transferred back to Loyola for cremation.  Paid for ang susundo eh whtie limo.
I was abroad (pre arranged trip, sabi ko .. I will go home ahead to catch up with the last day of the wake in the probinsya) ... eto na my Achi calls very distraught on the day for the cremation.

Ang pinadala!  she yells at me ha -- ang van na gamit ni Galman sa tarmac na kuno binaril nya si Ninoy! 
Sabi ko coool ka lang.
Kausapin ko ang driver!
Mr Driver!  bakit dala mo van ni Galman?  kesyo nasiraan daw ang limo.
Pues hindi lang naman for sure 1 lang ang limo ng loyola.
Tumawag ka sa dispatcher or manager or sinong hinayup@k nagpadala sa yo... sabihin mo nagpapapogi ka kasi sigurado lalabas ka sa news mamayang gabi, sa lahat ng diario for at least 1 week atchaka magkaka court appearances ka pa ilang beses.

I told Achi... sabihin mo 1 hour max or else...
Ibalandra mo ryan our cousin who works for the network.
At kung andyan si Mr Tulfo or sino mang anak or what... eh umpisahan nyo na ang pag interview sa driver.
Tapos andyan ang family lawyer natin for sure,  umpisahan mo na rin pa interview si driver....

In 30min dumating ang limo.

Sa cremation iba iba din ang presyo.
Gusto mo regular time -- 6 hours ata.
Or gusto mo ga microwave ... as in 2 hours?

Yes, you donate the casket... at tanggalin na rin whatever valuables , mga medalya or kung ano ano pakinabit sa body.

[aquacharly]

If there are time and financial constraints... the way to go about it is the way a family friend's death was handled.  That is what I know of, baka meron dyan may more efficient way of handlng it.

He died mid-day and spent overnight in the hospital morgue, in a freezer slot.

   From the hospital .. straight to the oven   yon ang bilin sa wife eh
   From the crematorium -- straight to the house

Per the family, the cost-friendliest package was that of Araneta Memorial in QC.
They bought na rin the urn from Araneta Memorial

Araneta picked up the body, the viewing started at 7AM
Parang the body is in another room, on a metal bed... he was already in a barong, a white sheet covered him waist down.
The body is in the next room but positioned parallel to a wide opening in the wall.. so from the viewing room you can touch him, pray sa harap nya, whatever.

The viewing room is good-sized with pews for siguro 80 people, malinis naman hindi amoy chemical.
The family did not provide snacks or what.
Como mga nakikiramay like us will not send those floral arrangements anymore, pagkadating namin doon... nagpa bili na lang ako ng Jollibee breakfast packs ... so ganoon, whoever arrived nagpapabuy kasi hindi na maisip ng family yon di ba.

So zero gastos sa family.
But of course, you also give abuloy... better kasi cash na rin kesa floral arrangements.
(At wala na yung mga props na candelabrang busted ang bulbs, etc racket ng Loyola which is what you get for your years prepaid ha)

AFter the 2 or 3 hour  viewing time given by Araneta .. there was a Mass said, tapos ayon na cremate na.
Those who stayed waiting, continuous novena for the dead and rosary praying.   
Nang makuha ang urn.. final prayers for the dead and last rosary.
Tapos inuwi na nila sa bahay... they did not spend for a columbary space na... later na yon, a year after.

Ganon, minimal gastos.  Efficient.
And those who wanted to pay their last respects... even if it is a workday.. we found ourselves sharing the grief that morning.
Efficient wake di ba. .

[aquacharly]

There is no intent to offend ha, claro tayo dyan... I am just sharing so that when the time of grief comes, hindi makaka-bulaga!  at maka isa ang mga garap@l.   We know who you are, ika nga.  hehe...

Going back to the Efficient Wake of our Family Friend...

Circumstances, religion, preference, distance... at times dictate the most minimal wake.  It does not mean that it is less loving, less respectful of the departed, etc.   BUT kelangan we get good value for our money, hindi tayo yung mga nangugnurakot kasi, hindi tayo yung may sasagot na government office di ba.

going back, with that Efficient Wake
the family saved on the following:

      embalment and any "touch ups"
      wake room rental for several days
      cost of the props like candelabras, etc etc
      flowers ... kahit papano gagastos ka ryan hindi ka puedeng umasa sa mga padala lang
      food round the clock for the family, for the visitors
      plot... kung wala kang nabili na before this,  eh you will buy 4 - 10 plots, ganyan ang racket kung ikaw eh "in immediate need" -- or kung hindi nakapangalan sa departed at hindi pa tapos ang installment, as 1 sis here cited... pay up in full the balance
     Burial Fees ... yang digging up, the fees the  parks now slap on you... as 1 Sis here cited P20thou?!
     and the other little expenses that add up in connection with several days' wake.
     pati nga priest eh per mass ang "donation"  pasundo mo pa

So, with this Efficient Wake and that of the stepmom of WKT -- may idea na iba dito how to not spend unnecessarily kung hindi naman kelangan.

Basta ako, I really recommend Heritage Park.. the 1 near Libingan ng Mga Bayani.

[greyzie]

thanks again, sis aquacharly. nagka-idea na rin ako of what to do just in case. i`ll do what your family friend did, then schedule a get-together to celebrate the life rather than the death.

[ms.rain]

saan malapit ang araneta memorial? ang na-encounter ko pa lang so far ay nacional, la funeraria paz, arlington and sanctuarium pag along araneta qc. madalas ako sa mga yan coz we're in the food catering business and minsan ako pinapadala para mag-asikaso. one time i went inside nacional, umulan bigla. i stayed there for 30 mins. yata, paglabas ko, hay Lord, dagat na ang araneta. i have to call to say na mamaya nako babalik kundi magswiswimming ako pauwi!

parents ko matagal ng bumili ng memorial service na plan. tapos last year, mom bought the vault and cremation service naman. ako, memorial service pa lang meron.

maraming deaths na rin nangyari sa side ng family ng father ko and family friends as well. i even spent this new year's eve sa arlington. kadalasan may mga memorial plans na sila. or baka yung iba hindi naman sa kanila talaga, pero transferable naman kasi ang memorial plans so pwedeng ipagamit muna sa nangangailangan. isang tawag lang usually sa agent or sa company hotline, then sila na mismo magpipick up ng katawan sa hospital/morgue para idala sa funeral parlor and ayusan.

im looking at the price list of memorial service packages now (tamang tama, may kukuha kasi), and wow, malaki na ang itinaas compared sa kinuha namin before. na-alarm ako sa sinabi ni aquacharly, ma-check nga size ng casket. kasi nakalagay lang usually is the material.

[patchuchai]

hi ms. rain, we used to live at araneta avenue, sa ngayon nagsulputan na rin diyan ang mga maliliit na funeral parlors, at bahain talaga ang area na iyan. curious nga rin ako kung nasaan ang araneta memorial.

[bastarg_girl]

gwacie i feel for you..

my mom is also in the hospital right now the doctors told us that we should be ready anytime..its a tug of war between God and us..but we're still prayerful and hopeful..i cant put into words what i exactly feel..but ir really painful..its a rollercoaster ride..we're all close to her and even if people tell us to beready..i can't do it.. i don't want to let go.. i still want to have decades with her...i am still hoping that God will extend her life..coz I still have dreams for our family..

maybe I can share what's happening to her in details some other time..coz right now I am into tears..

after everything I can see her strength. She's still a comedian. She's showing us that she's strong not for her but for us and I admire her for that..

[MigMaxMatt]

^Hi bastarg_girl.

I can feel your pain.  I am sincerely hoping that you will get the miracle you're praying for.

I guess all moms are like that.  They never want to burden us with their own problems.

Your mom's still with you though.  Let her know how much you all love her.  Hold her hands and just talk to her.

I miss my mom.