When You Know a Family Member is Dying

[Joycy]

I can relate. 

Aug 2003, my dad died.
July 2004, a paternal uncle died.
Apr 2005, a first-degree maternal cousin who's my age died. Cardiac Arrest.
Jun 2006, my maternal grandpa died.
June 2007, my maternal grandma followed.
Apr 2009, my maternal aunt died.
May 2009, my maternal uncle died.

We just prayed na sana this is the last for a long time kasi masyado ng nagka-sunod-sunod. The death of my dad is something that still pains me until now. Honestly, when i think of him, i still cry. Mahirap tanggapin.

[artegirl]

sis gwacie, it's not easy at all to realize that you are losing someone you love.  think of it this way - at least you are given time to prepare.  use that time wisely.  spend as much time with your dad as possible.  make him feel loved.  kung ayaw nya na ng treatment, at least try to find ways how to make him comfortable.  pray....
ako kasi I didn't know that dad was seriously ill.  hanggang sa pinasok sya sa hospital, I didn't realize na hindi na pala sya uuwi.  hay naku, I remember those days sa ICU.  kaya ko pala matulog sa karton =D 

[babywaby]

sis Joycy 2008 lang kayo napahinga ah...sunod-sunod? :-(

i think its more important to pray for the ones who were left behind, grieving and feeling the great loss, for their strength and will to cope up and move on with life. 

when you lose someone you love, i guess hindi ka masasanay na wala na sila kahit gano pa katagal. we will always miss them and hope that they are with us especially on important events in our lives.

also, we need to make them feel our love and caring while we still can, while they can still feel it and hear it. i hope it wouldnt be too late for anyone of us to let them know that we love them. because no knows when it will be time. today may be the last time or last chance to say "i love you" to our loved one...

lets also be thankful for each day that we are still able to be with the ones we love.

[patchuchai]

my mother suffered aneurysm and pneumonia, she was rushed to the hospital last dec 23, 3 1/2 days din kami. her doctor wanted an operation to relieve the pressure but we decided to take her home at alagaan. i didnt have enough savings at ganun din father ko, naranasan kong umiyak at magmakaawa sa kapitbahay dahil nasira credit card ko para may pambayad sa hospital, umiyak sa phone sa kamag-anak para mapautang kami sa takehome medicines, mabuti at may nagbigay na pera relatives from abroad. wake-up call talaga samin. meron akong memorial plan pero memorial lot wala. then, by GODs grace naging ok mom ko, last checkup we had natuwa iyong doctor kasi ang ganda ng recovery niya, pero nag-warn samin becoz hindi namin pinagalaw iyong hemorrhage 20% ang risk that it could occur again and it could be fatal, kaya nga ibigay daw ang gustong kainin but in moderation lang. she also has pneumonia. siguro gusto ng sa taas na maka-prepare kami when that day comes.

[MigMaxMatt]

^We heard about Fuda Hospital a little bit too late already.  We were planning to take mom there if chemo cannot fully take the cancer away.  But then... hay...

I sincerely hope it works for your dad.  My mom was so disappointed with the medical treatment she received back in the Philippines.  Looking back, her case might have been misdiagnosed...

[trendy]

my dad has also been diagnosed with stage 4 thymic cancer just last month. it's a very rare type of cancer but we are not losing hope. God has already given me a lot of miracles in my life kaya i believe that there is still hope for us kahit na sinabi ng mga doctors sa makati med slim na yung chance ni daddy. like of one of our sisters here, i also researched and heard about cryosurgery in fuda hospital. we almost went there but something inside me was kinda hesitant to go there. i was thinking baka gawin lang experimental yung case ni daddy since thymic cancer is very rare unlike lung cancer na very "popular" na and knowledgeable na yung mga oncologists on that type of cancer.  for some reason, i thought of stem cell treatment 'coz i read about it before that it can replace any weak cells in our body. when i searched thru the net, di pa ganun kapopular ang stemcell treatment for cancer so with a dismayed heart, i gave up on the idea. and then the next day, my brother informed us about stemcell treatment in medical city. to say that i was surprised was an understatement. i didn't tell anyone about stem cell treatment and then here comes my brother telling us about it. i knew right there and then that this was not merely coincidence. God is leading us to the best option that science could offer us. we knew we found the best doctor for daddy. it's not an assurance though that the treatment will be successful BUT it sure did bring us HOPE, something makati med doctors failed to give us.

anyway, for those who seemed to have lost hope, maybe you'd like to take chances and learn about stem cell treatment in medical city. here's a link for your reference: http://opinion.inquirer.net/inquireropinion/columns/view/20090917-225612/Stem-cells-from-me-for-me

of course, i'm still scared. every morning, sobrang thankful ako to God for giving us another day with daddy. imagine, dati taken for granted ko lang yung paggising sa umaga pero ngayon, it's such a big blessing na for us to wake up in the morning knowing na anjan pa si daddy with us. mas mahirap dalhin para sa kin because i'm 8 months pregnant with my first child and i try not to think about it often for fear na makasama yung emotions ko to the baby in my womb. so i just try to be happy kahit mahirap. all of us in our family are also doing everything to make daddy happy and it really hurts us everytime we see him na ang layo ng tingin, worried about his life. but still, sabi ko nga we are not losing hope. whatever the outcome of my dad's treatment, we just hope and pray that we'll be strong enough to accept it.

[Britney]

My father is also chain smoker, he's 65 years old, sa awa ng Diyos mukhang wala pa naman siyang nararamdaman at malakas pa. Lagi ko siyang sinasabihan na bawasan kung hindi man mawala ang pagsisigarilyo. Pero hindi talaga niya mawala, binabawasan na lang.
Habang binabasa ko ang mga post dito, parang na iimagine ko rin what if sa akin mangyari. I have to be ready. Close kasi ako sa tatay ko eh...

[wkt]

mga sis, are any of you ready for the inevitable?

my friend's dad passed away recently due to a terminal illness--meaning matagal ng alam ng family na may taning na yung dad nila pero they chose not to do anything.  i guess it was too painful for any of them kaya di na nila nagawang magasikaso.  basically when the dad died, nagkagulatan sila sa gastos sa burol, sa libing, and even yung isusuot ng tatay nila sa casket pinrublema pa nila.  i feel so bad for them, esp for my friend who was left to make all the arrangements as her mom was too distraught to do anything.  yung mga kapatid nya puros nasa abroad and nakuwi lang siguro a day before nung libing.  halos hindi na siya nakapagluksa dahil sa pagaasikaso. 

anyway, i dont want to go through that pag time na ng parents ko to go and lalo namang ayaw iburden yung mga maiiwan ko if ako naman yung mamamatay.  id like to make arrangements na din kahit papaano pero i dont know how to start.  mga magkano ba ang kailangan i-prepare and ano ba yung dapat i-prepare?  dyahe naman to ask my parents about it.

share naman kayo mga sis...afterall, we'll all die someday.
buti na ang handa diba.

[freeswan]

naku sis isa yan sa pinaghahandaan ako. as a young child, may time sunod sunod yung deaths sa family so i was able to witness how difficult it is na mag asikaso sa lamay and everything. buti na lang ngayon, meron ng mga funeral plans. both my grandparents meron na, my parents din are now still paying for it pero malapit na matapos. siyempre nakakailang isipin at gawin pero the truth is, mamatay talaga tayo and most likely, mauuna parents natin. ako nga, i am willing to "invest" on our family na kami lang pero i found out that mom is paying na pala St. Peter and meron pa pala sa side ng dad ko, they (dad and siblings) bought already 20 slots in the cemetery, kung sino na lang daw mauna. meron na rin silang mausoleum.  i think yung sa mom ko kasama memorial services.

may commercial din sis, i think st. peter yun, yung pink ang kabaong na pinili nung girl. at least pag ganun, hassle free na.

[nelle21]

my mom too bought 2 slots years ago...tapos ng bayaran...naghihintay na lang kung sino unang titira... hehe...wish it will be me... i hate the idea that one of my loved ones will be gone for good! better na yung ako na lang!

[aquacharly]

The Ilocanos do it best.  Ask from your Ilocano friends how years in advance they prep for the inevitable.

Last year was bad for The-Family-I-Come-From.
A brother had Stage 4 cancer and lingered in the hospital for almost 2 months before dying there. 
He had time to tell his partner general details of his preferred wake schedule.   As in how many days in MManla, then cremation, then another wake in the probinsya.

All the time he was in the hospital and we were all on an emotional roller coaster... I nagged our mother to every 3 days settle his hospital bills , coz it was like P200-P300thou  every 3 days. 
So that is a good thing to do -- every 2 or 3 days, update the statement, do not let the bill mount....  also,, check the items on the statement -- we were now and then erroneously charged for some items. 

When he died, hay naku eh di everybody turned to me -- what to do what to do what to do.
My mother had a Loyola Plan for the wake so no problem.
But, there is the cremation.
Gusto nang Loyola CASH.  So, ATMs come in handy.  Or, as I did -- what are friends for?  Soembody called up somebody to accept our check payment.

Ganito yon ha -- embalment, put him in a coffin, wake at my neighborhood chapel right at the side of Santuario San Jose, Greenhills -- then cremation after x no. of days, then the ashes have  another wake in the probinsya.
He spent his youth in Greenhills, but he spent his adult life in the probinsya as a businessman.  So may friends sya both sides.

What can I tell you?  Loyola Guadalupe is some business. 
Mga hustlers.      Sorry, but true. 

[laey]

^^naku dear, malulungkot ng sobra ang mom mo kung uunahan mo pa sila  Naalala ko kasi sabi ng tatay ko, hindi kasi "in order" so sobrang sakit yun para sa magulang (sinabi niya yan nung namatay yung kapitbahay naming bata pa).

Balak ko nga din to, paghandaan ko na silang dalawa, di naman sa gusto ko na silang mamatay no, at least kampante na kaming lahat. Pano ba to? Share naman, please. May ahente din ba to? TIA 

[aquacharly]

Sa Loyola, a brother chose which coffin... it cost P250thou.  There was a coffin that cost less by P30thou.

When the body got to the Santuario San Jose capilla -- iba ang coffin!  It was the lower-costing one.  Ano ito?  Another brother got on the phone eh wow, 1AM in the mornng nakikipag murahan sa woman of Loyola on the line.

Eto racket.  They sold the casket but my brother who is 6ft daw will not fit in it.  Pero during the hours of embalment walang kumibo about that sa Loyola ha.
Tapos, they put him in the lower priced casket.
Will you refund? No.  Eh pano na ngayon?
Sabi daw sa brother ko kaya nagmura sya, in a cranky voice pa daw -- Ano gusto nyo Sir?  Ilabas nang mga tao namin ang brother nyo at bawiin namin ang casket at mag antay kayo kung kelan magkaroon ng longer sized casket na order nyo?

I told my brother -- let it go.  Ma karma sila. 

2 weeks after, our father died.

[aquacharly]

When our dad died,  kahit na may Loyola plans pa si Mother... sabi ko, no more.  Mind you ,I am far from being the oldest in the family... but when disaster strikes, everybody looks at me.

So that is 1 prep you can go into... be mindful of who is calm during disasters... and let that person handle it all for you.  Hwag na kayo, like other families, arguing and arguing about arrangements. But be sensitive to the needs of the spouse and kids.

When my dad died... I had Heritage handle it all.. the embalment, the wake, and then the cremation after the wake.

We went there, they had this room full of caskets of all prices ... the person attending to you is well mannered, non intrusive hindi katulad nang sa Loyola parang car salesman and talagang hustlers.
The urns you see in Loyola, and Araneta -- they are all in Heritage, at a lower lower price.  Even the caskets are lower priced.

The "function rooms" have a kitchen, a room for the family, a bathroom... and there are spacious male and female powder rooms for the guests.  The best part .. there are always 2 cleaners who keep on clearing up -- discreetly.   So never ka magkakaroon nang messy area.

Nowadays, wakes are like social events.
We had a florist (Ramon Pastor is the best),there is a coordinator -- not because it was a party mind you, for us, for others ganoon na -- but because sa dami namin -- somebody has to be keeping track of who is where when so and so comes in.   

Then you need a caterer or some how provide for snacks.

I have no complaints about Heritage Park .. pricey perhaps, yes maybe not as accessible to some (pero, if you really wanna go to a wake, pupuntahan mo kahit malayo hindi ba. ) It offers good value for money.
My father had a beautiful wake.

So there, I shared my personal experience.. IMO -- walang kwenta getting those plans for the wake... kasi you end up also upgrading.  Loyola wake plans?  Mag save ka na lang.

But I do agree that it is good to invest in a columbary or plots.  Coz well, like my tita -- .. when her parents died, she had to buy 4 plots at 1 go.  Kung hindi ka pa na nganga ilangan, you can buy just 2 and choose locations you prefer.

If you can get the funds together... a mausoleum plot is good.

As much as possible -- avoid Loyola.  Most churches now have capillas for wakes.  If you have a friend or relative who is a resident of the subdivision or village where the church/capilla is -- you can use that.

[laey]

^thanks for this. You always "educate" me with your posts. Like that of the inheritance thread. Lurker ako non e.  Sorry for the lost of your loved ones din.

When the body got to the Santuario San Jose capilla -- iba ang coffin!  It was the lower-costing one. 

Grabe naman to. Mapagsamantala and inconsiderate, nagluluksa na nga nakuha pang mang-isa. Tsk tsk.

[greyzie]

forgive me for being ignorant, ah? but if you`ll be cremated, do you need to buy plots pa? or pwede sa house yun urn? may health/sanitation requirements ba?

[tamarind26]

^^^ I agree with you aquacharly. Loyola Guadalupe is a major rip off, tantamount to panloloko na. Same experience with my aunt-in-law who had a Loyola Memorial Plan.  Di daw magkasya sa casket kaya you're always left with no choice but to upgrade (dagdag bayad) or downgrade (no refund). Either way, talo ka sa kanila. Napamahal yung mga pinsan ko sa gastusin plus dinala pa sa Bohol yung casket. Pagdating nila sa Tagbilaran airport, guess what, nasira yung casket. Kagigil !!!!

[aquacharly]

forgive me for being ignorant, ah? but if you`ll be cremated, do you need to buy plots pa? or pwede sa house yun urn? may health/sanitation requirements ba?

A plot can be used for both the body and cremated remains in urns.
Siguro kasi dati dati meron na silang purchased plots.  But cremation is now a convenient alternative too...   Some people just use the plot instead of buying a columbary space (additional gastos) kahit na what they bury is just an urn.
A couple of months ago,  I went to a family friend's "burial" at the Libingan ng mga Bayani -- ayon what was "buried" was the urn of ashes.

The convenience of a columbary kasi... specially if it is part of the church you regularly go to... ayon, simba, visita sa patay, dasal. convenience.  A columbary is just for urns, hindi puede bodies ha.   

The stand of the Catholic Church is:  you must separate the Dead from the Living.

T

[aquacharly]

oohhh, i hate the jumping screen.
going back, GREYZIE .. 
   
       The Catholic Church does not want you keeping the cremated remains in your house nor yard.
       Sabi daw ni Cardinal Sin yan.  My mom said:  Father, the Cardinal is dead.
       The Santuario San Jose parish priest would always remind my mother to "bury" our father... coz for a couple of months, she kept the urn by her bedside table na naging shrine na by the looks of it 1 day.

There were times, Old Yaya would tell me Ma  would put the urn on the side of the bed that was my dad's before.
Ma!  what are you doing?!  If we knew you would be moving that urn around eh dapat linagay na lang natin sa ziplock parang hindi inconvenient for you to be moving around, transporting etc.  Sige if you go shopping and lose that bahala ka!   (Of course,hindi naman nya dinadala other than to our houses and with her when she goes to the probinsya.  Iba naman dialogue ko about that:  Ma!  hilong hilo na siguro si dad.  And if you put that urn beside the other urn -- a brother/her son  died 2 weeks before our dad eh --   baka magkapalit pa kayo, mali pala pinagdadasalan mo ... kasi the urns are identical.  hay buhay)
But it was that bad... she just could not let go, literally. 

GREYZIE, she did not board planes coz they will not let her bring the urn on board daw... ilalagay sa cargo daw and madami papeles kelangan.

She had this expensive white designer bag  containing my father's urn.. carried by a blackor white -depende siguro sa mood nya -suited yaya ... and she would bring the urn with her to our family lunches, dinners, etc.
Pagdating for example sa house ko, ilalabas sa bag the urn, patong sa makeshift altar and we would all be forced to hear mass.

One time, naiwan the urn on my baby grand piano.  and linipat ni hubby to a quiet console somewhere.
Nataranta my mother
My husband declared:  yan pala ang magandang kidnapin, si Dad.
For sure, ransom ni Mom pala.

Ang tigas ng ulo until 1 day, she just invited us for Dad's transfer to a mausoleum she had rush constructed behind our backs.  Ayaw siguro ng may makialam, mga commentaryo.   So hopefully, he is there resting in peace.  Although, sabi ni Mother, she will bring him home for special family events.  And holidays.  Ah ewan. nakaka lokers talaga.

[aquacharly]

Where to keep the urn?
Depende yan sa katigasan ng ulo nang family left behind.  LOL

An uncle of mine, family is not Catholic, cremated ashes in an urn that is on a ledge nailed at eye level along a corridor passed by on the way to and from the bedrooms.   My aunt put his pipe there, his glasses... sabi ko 1 day... Auntie, linalagay mo every AM nang diario?  Ouch1  nakurot ako ha, masakit kasi long nails.

My brother's urn is permanently on the altar in his house occupied by his partner and their kids.  My mother nags her to transfer him to the cementeryo.  In the probinsya hindi uso ang columbary.  In the cementeryo they have mausoleums or those nichos ata tawag doon na katulad nang pinuntahan ni Korina Sanchez before she went to her wedding...   Oo daw, so in effect, plot din yon di ba, may nicho nga lang on top.

So, GREYZIE --nowadays, if it is an urn -- "DIY"  na nga kung ano gusto ng family.

Ako!  hahaha    I will have my ashes put in the Forbes Park columbary.  Aba!  I tell my BFFs,  kahit pano nakatira na ako sa Forbes Park!   LOL
Pag ask my kids -- where is your mother?  Ah, nasa Forbes.  LOL
Kidding aside,  our house is in Greenhlls, we have  beautiful big gardens... but I would not want to be put out in the garden, kahit na ba may pagoda pagoda pagoda pa or whatever ka ekekan.

I want my ashes thrown around in Ocean Terminal, San Fo Union Square, FashionWalk Mall, The Venetian Macauthe 4 Season Shoppes - Macau,  Wynn Vegas or Macau, Peninsula HK, Paris Eiffel Tower area, L'Orangerie - the museum in Paris, or at Kensington Palace grounds, New York MOMA   ..... kahit saan, kahit na Shangrila Mall ... basta at a place  where I spent happy hours.  hahaha, ka lokers.