How To Leave My Bum Husband of 10 Years?

[kyliejane]

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[simang]

Anong good qualities ng husband mo, why do you feel na you "seem happy" naman?

I have a curious question (sana may sumagot na guytalkers) na medyo related sa story mo TS... Yung guys ba with stay-at-home partners, do they feel also na pabigat sa kanila yung partner nila? Yung since walang income yung babae, the guy pays for the bills, allowances, dates -- ano ba iniisip nyo sa asawa nyo? Feeling nyo rin ba na di kayo umaasenso dahil dependent sa inyo yung partner nyo financially?

It just gets me thinking, we women always fight for equality, pero bakit ibang iba pa rin yung social acceptance when we switch roles with our partners.

[three8one]

bilang lalake nun mabasa ko yung post mo TS nasaktan ako ng bahagya para sa asawa mo, at nasaling din yung ego ko bilang lalake. para kasing sinasabi mo walang nagawang mabuti yung asawa mo sa buhay mo at sa buhay ninyo bilang mag asawa. di ka lang siguro talaga maka appreciate ng mga bagay bagay na nagawa at ginagawa para sayo ng asawa mo.. sabi mo never nagkatrabaho, ano tawag mo dun sa sa saglit na halos puro 6 mos? nagging house husband siya kamo, hindi ba makuconsider na trabaho yun? meron kang tiga laba, tiga linis at utusan ayaw mo pa rin ba yun? ikaw ba kaya, marunong ka ba ng mga Gawain na ganun?

naiintindihan ko hindi ka na masaya sa ganun set up ng marriage nyo pero wag mo naman sana ipamukha dito na yung asawa mo eh totally as in walang kwentang asawa o tao sa loob ng sampung taon. kasi hindi ganun ang nakikita ko. palagay ko lang ah, maaring mali ako pero sa tingin ko ikaw ang may problema sa pagsasama nyo, nag e effort naman yun asawa mo bigyan ka ng gift, ang iniisip mo pa kesyo galing naman sa ipon nya yun sa binibigay mong allowance. gumawa ng mabuti o hindi, negative ang tingin mo sa ginagawa nya, saan ba sya lulugar?maswerte ka TS may masinop sa pera kang asawa. sabi mo mukhang di aasenso, in what way? karir ba? wealth ba? saan kaya? kasi kung wealth try mo pahawakin ng kinikita mo asawa mo, sya pagmanage mo baka matulungan ka nya makapagipon.

huwag mong tingnan yung pagsasama nyo gamit yung physical eye sight mo kasi may limitations yan, tingnan mo yung relasyon nyo gamit yung puso at isipan mo, learn to appreciate small things para Makita mo yung mas malaking picture ng pagsasama nyo.

hindi naman siguro sa walang silbi asawa mo, baka itinaas mo lang ng bongga yung standards mo kaya nahihirapan maka catch up si asawa. opportunity ang kailangan ng asawa mo sa palagay ko para ma maging okay sya sayo hindi pag criticize sa mga maliliit na bagay lang na nagagawa nya para sayo.

mabuting asawa/tao ang asawa mo TS, wag mo sana kalimutan yun kaya mo siya nagustuhan at pinakasalan. ang mali lang sa kanya hindi sya naging mabuting provider. baka naman may iba ka ng nagugustuhan? care to share?

nagbase lang ako ng insight ko sa mga pinost mo ah. wag ka sana magalit sa kin. hehe!

[chiqmom]

hindi ba tulong sayo yung fact na hindi mo na kailangan maglaba, maglinis, or magayos ng bahay because someone is doing it for you? im sorry sis pero you are being mean and selfish  just because you are financially more capable than your man.

I must agree with sis simang na women want equality but when we switch roles, we start to rant. and to three8one na baka masyado mataas lang standards mo.

what if maganda kalagayan mo ngayon because your husband has to do these small sacrifices so you could focus more on your work, instead of doing the same hustle that most working wives would do (office works plus household chores).

[vanity fair]

We're in a bit of a similar situation.  10 years married no kids.  The problem with my husband is he's alcoholic & a gambling addict.  I just separated from him.  My advice, go see a good marriage counselor & also a priest.  We had a good marriage also kaya lang may addiction eh.  I have done everything possible.  When you decide to leave a marriage, kailangan masabi mosa sarili mo na lahat na ginawa mo. Both my marriage counselor & priest have told me to leave the marriage

[iamfoursixnine]

Nung matino pa husband ko at d pa nagloloko, he was also jobless for years. Pero tinutulungan nya ko sa bahay sa pag aalaga sa kids namin  at pinagddrive ako. He even tutors my son kaya lumaking masipag mag aral un anak ko at matalino. Kahit na wala sya work never ko un isinumbat sa kanya. He may not be a good provider but he can be a good father. I appreciate all his efforts sa bahay. Baka sis napagod ka lang dahil 10yrs kana nagpprovide pra sa inyo. Pero sana marealize mo din mahirap na trabaho ang maiwan sa bahay. Lalu na kumikilos naman pala asawa mo kahit nasa bahay. Talk to him and let him know how you feel para fair lang bago ka magdecide sa gusto mo.

[ficklemind]

I have to agree sa mga previous posts parang ang unfair ng dating kay house husband na siya ay pabigat lang
 

It just gets me thinking, we women always fight for equality, pero bakit ibang iba pa rin yung social acceptance when we switch roles with our partners.

true!
What will housewives feel kung ganito din ang sabihin ng mga working husbands nila? na parang pabigat lang sila. Laking issue siguro.
same setup lang naman nag switch roles lang yung provider.

But anyways, I guess sawa ka na lang talaga TS sa ganitong buhay, and it's not what you have signed up for.

[Girltalker2]

Marami nang threads about this.
Mukhang uso na kasi maging bum ang mga hubbies?

https://www.femalenetwork.com/girltalk/index.php?topic=283122.msg8259800#new

https://www.femalenetwork.com/girltalk/index.php?topic=289856.msg0#new

https://www.femalenetwork.com/girltalk/index.php?topic=281506.msg0#new


^ sis simang has a point.
However, pag sinabihan ako na huwag na magwork, I may consider. But I still need to do something that I can take pride on.
On the same point, as the Wife, I expect the guy also to work. Equality for me is being able to make valuable contributions. As the wife, if ako mismo nagsabi it is good for the hubby to stay home and he agrees, then ok kami. Pero if the hubby is left with no choice but to stay home kasi walang mahanap na work, Ibang usapan yun. Sa tinagal tagal na Wala syang work, di man lang makaisip mag aral or rumaket?
Pag laba Pag linis and pagluto for 2 is not a full time job, especially if you don?t have kids. For me, TS?s hubby is still a bum.

[vanity fair]

In the end, you yourself will be the only one to decide what would be best for you.  Go with your gut feels.  Seek counselling. 

[Aftergl0w]

I totally get where TS is coming from and if I were in her shoes, I'd be tired and frustrated too. This isn't really an issue of gender equality because it doesn't seem like a mutual agreement. If wives stay home while the husband works and both are okay with that, fine. If it's vice versa, fine. But in this case, the husband just seems to be lazy and lacks any drive. I would have gave the husband more understanding if there were kids to take care of. But kalalakeng tao and just stay home all day  in TEN YEARS? Ni walang part time job? Speaking of household chores, I'm pretty sure TS would feel so much better with an agreement that they share the housework and share with the expenses! Now THAT is equality!

[ana mimi]

I have the same issue although my partner doesn't have a stable job like gusto niya lang talaga is kung san siya comfortable then aalis din agad. Most of the time nasa bahay lang siya and we have 2 kids. Ako din nagaalaga sa mga bata dahil madalas nakikipag barkada pa siya. We've been together for 10 years as well. Nagsawa nalang din ako. I'd rather be at home pero wala e, di kami mabubuhay.

I get where she is coming from. Kung hindi mutual ang pag stay ni hubby sa bahay, masama talaga yun sa feelings ng babae.

[Shadow Angel]

Nasa side din ako ni TS importante sa akin na responsible si partner ko kung di man kasing laki ng income ko atleast man lang may contribution sa financial. Hindi ko siguro basta hihiwalayan bibigyan ko muna ng options or tutulungan ko na mag karoon ng sarili nyang income. Now kung ayaw nya at sya lang may gusto na di magwork mag start na lang ako ng dream ko na hindi na sya kasama. If ever meron sya health issues no question matatanggap ko na dependent sya. Pero kung mas malakas pa sya sa akin at ako pa bubuhay sa kanya mas mabuti pang single na lang ako.

Nandyan na tayo sa tumutulong sa gawain bahay pero naman mas madali yan kung walang kids. Di ko alam paano natatagalan ng husband nya nasa bahay lang. I mean diba for self worth man lang di mo maiisip na magprovide for yourself. Assuming na bata pa kayo. Paano pa pag 50 plus na sya lalo na syang may dahilan na di mag work. Meron lang talaga tao na di gusto mag work or walang drive sa buhay.

Dyan papasok un magbf pa lang kayo dapat pareho na kayo ng wave length at gusto sa buhay. Kung ikaw marami kang pangarap at si partner ay wala magiging problema nyo talaga yan after couple of years na magkasama.

Maswerte un mga lalaki na tanggap ng partner nila na wala silang work until tumanda sila.

[kvandenhaak]

Question is: ganyan na ba si hubby nung BF mo pa lang sya? Bakit noon okay pero ngayon hindi na?

I understand na double standard naman ata pag walang trabaho ang lalake eh wala ng kwenta. Pero, for 10 years hindi nakakita ng stable na trabaho? There seems to be something wrong. Usually kasi matataas ang pride ng mga lalake. They would rather be the provider talaga. Also, usually the stay at home wives are taking care of the kids. Eh wala naman silang anak. Fine, he is taking care of household chores. But for TS, she wants a husband. Kasi kung katulong kailangan nya, I think she can afford to hire one.

[Shadow Angel]

^napatawa mo ako dun hahaha oo nga naman husband need ni TS hindi house helper.

[ishopnowfeelguiltylater]

TS, please correct me if I am wrong pero I think you're at the point na din na iniisip mo na yung future like what if wala pa rin siyang maging work and come retirement time, ikaw din ang retirement plan niya and even hospitalization, burial, etc.

When you say hiwalay, quietly ba to, or through the legal way, or just moving out of the house, or making him move out of the house. Would you want to discuss options with him and are you open to compromise or resolved ka na sa idea? If the latter, then you can start identifying more concrete steps na I guess, with the help of our sisses who have been there.

[glamorosa_09]

TS, if you still want to try to work it out one last time, I suggest you consider psychological assessment. Hindi mo alam baka may attention deficit disorder sya, a condition that hampers anyone to concentrate and focus.

Baka he is good with manual works/labor, not clerical/ mental/intellectual. I get the the impression that you have no complaints regarding his house chores, so I would guess you are satisfied in that area. And if that is the case, it means he can still do something well. Kasi if both emotionally and physically pabigat sya, iba rin yun. Entitlement na yun, wapakels talaga sya syo. Serve me. Serve me. Yun sya.

Anyway, with the assesment he will be interviewed and given evaluations to know his weakness and strengths. And based on these, suggestions regarding what career fits him will be made. If his skills and knowledge are not enough for careers suited to him, you can consider TESDA and other vocational schools.

As for me it is just a question of self-entitlement or just being lost in life and don't know what to do.

And after all this, if he just wants to be a househusband and it is really against your need and preferences, then it's all up to you.

[Girltalker2]

Question is: ganyan na ba si hubby nung BF mo pa lang sya? Bakit noon okay pero ngayon hindi na?

I understand na double standard naman ata pag walang trabaho ang lalake eh wala ng kwenta. Pero, for 10 years hindi nakakita ng stable na trabaho? There seems to be something wrong. Usually kasi matataas ang pride ng mga lalake. They would rather be the provider talaga. Also, usually the stay at home wives are taking care of the kids. Eh wala naman silang anak. Fine, he is taking care of household chores. But for TS, she wants a husband. Kasi kung katulong kailangan nya, I think she can afford to hire one.

Ano ba naman Yung mag grab/uber sya kung Wala syang magawa sa buhay?

[Evolet027]

@TS, maybe, start by talking to your husband? Tanungin mo kung anong plano nya sa buhay nya at sa buhay nyo bilang mag asawa? Bigyan mo ng deadline. Na by ganitong year at ganyan pa din kayo, at wala pa din direksyon buhay nya at buhay nyo, then maghiwalay na lang kayo. You need a man, not a boy. Alamin mo din muna kung bakit sa loob ng 10 years, hindi na sya nagtrabaho? Kung saken kase yan, sinoli ko na lang sa magulang nya at hindi aabot ng 10 years na bum sya at nasa buhay ko pa din sya. 

Bigyan mo ng isa pang chance at bigyan mo ng deadline kung kikilos sya or hindi. Now, kung walang magbago sa kanya, accept the fact na wala na syang pag asa, hindi kayo magkatulad ng gusto sa buhay, and move on. Makipag usap ka na maghiwalay na lang kayo kesa ganyan ang nangyayari sa buhay nyo. Assess mo din sarili mo kung mahal mo pa ba sya or kung dahil may iba ka ng nagugustuhan kaya ka nag rarant ng ganyan sa pagiging bum ni hubby mo??? 

Godbless TS, sundin mo payo ni Glamorosa09, magpa counseling muna kayo bago mag decide ng hiwalayan. 

[kvandenhaak]

^napatawa mo ako dun hahaha oo nga naman husband need ni TS hindi house helper.

LOL! And to what extent ba of the household chores ginagawa ni Mister? Is it the same as a wife that includes everything from meal planning, groceries, shopping for everything, budgeting and balancing the cheque book. Planning for whatever needs to be fixed at home, what needs to be done. Pati volunteering sa community. I mean, everything.

And even when I was SAHM and the SAHM moms I know, naghahanap pa rin ng pagkakakitaan to help their husbands. But if they have no kids, he stays home and some chores in the house. Ano ginagawa nya the rest of the day? Does he try to make connection with the wife pagdating nya? Like I said, a husband is different from katulong.

[Shadow Angel]

^tama ka dyan, if gusto mo talaga mag work may way naman. SAHM pero may part time jobs din ako just to break my usual routine and may makausap na ibang tao aside sa family mo.

To be fair naman sa husband ni TS baka naman kulang lang sa opportunities kaya need nya bigyan ng chance at tulungan na rin.

Kapag nag ka anak kayo more or less baka ang retirement nya ay un anak nyo kung hindi man ikaw. Maraming parents ang ganyan hindi ng sasave for the future kasi isip nila may anak na sasalo sa kanila.