Irresponsible father

[amethyst028]

Hello GTers. I would like to ask for your opinion sana.

I have a son he's turning 13years old in a few months. Separated na kame ng dad niya for almost 7years na we are not married. He never gave any financial support since my son was born. On and off kame before we broke up for good. Nag work siya abroad for for 5years and hindi siya nagbibigay ng money. Last year i decided to let them have a relationship since the dad is back for good na sa phils.

But it didn't last long kasi he only borrows him pag may occassion then kung maka post sa social media akala mo isa siyang ulirang ama. In short for show lang. Regarding finances nagbigay twice 10k a month. Kaso kailangan pa ipaalala hindi pa magkusa. He bought a laptop worth 160k, a mercedes benz pero hindi makapgbigay sa anak niya wala daw siyang pera. And when he borrows my son ayaw sunduin sa bahay gusto ipa uber na lang daw kasi traffic. Hello minor yan ipag commute niya mag isa.

So to cut the story short i told my son to stop talking to his dad. That was last year december. A few days ago my son reached out to his dad kasi need niya yung receipt for the gift his dad gave nung xmas under warranty and not working kasi. But the dad said he lost it and wants to see him again. I told my son to ask his dad for money 30k for his tuition fee na 60k. So in short hati kame. But as usual the dad won't give money.

Kung kayo ba nasa situation ko will you let the dad be in your child's life knowing na hindi siya tutulong financially? Ok lang ba sa inyo na hihiramin yung bata pero pag may occassion lang? He wants his son pero not the responsibility that comes with it. I fought with the dad so many times about it pero parang hindi niya ma gets. He makes it seem na ako pa ang mali. Retarded daw ako. Right now i want him out of my son's life but i don't know kung tama ba yun? I only want the best for my son and nothing more.

[Girltalker2]

He bought a laptop worth 160k, a mercedes benz pero hindi makapgbigay sa anak niya wala daw siyang pera.

Sounds familiar. 😁

Kidding aside, ganyan din ex ko. Not that I know the details of his purchases but knowing him and his family, they should always have the latest gadgets. Including kotse rin ba dapat may dating.

Anyway lucky me I?m not in pinas to see this kaya never ako nag ask. I never accepted their LinkedIn (his and relatives) invites Nor fb din ng relatives nya.

Since we are not in pinas, sya mismo di madalas mag reach out din sa mga anak ko. Kung kelan lang nya feel magpaka tatay. Parang tourist attraction lang ang mga anak nya for him, if may time lang.

And even special occasions like Xmas wala rin naman ni anino. So what for?

Last time he asked to come I asked my kids if they want to see him. They were indifferent. I told them he is here in a business trip and side trip ito. If they wanna see him, I will let them. But if indifferent, ok Lang ba tsaka na?
Kasi ayoko din mag expect sila ng big things eh knowing him, Di maasahan naman talaga.

Parang feeling ko kasi when they borrow our kids, if genuine, feel mo rin as a mother. If for show lang or to make themselves feel good at di sincere, mukhang wala naman paki to be part of their kids lives, eh huwag nalang. Pampagulo lang sila.

Kung kayo ba nasa situation ko will you let the dad be in your child's life knowing na hindi siya tutulong financially? Ok lang ba sa inyo na hihiramin yung bata pero pag may occassion lang? He wants his son pero not the responsibility that comes with it. I fought with the dad so many times about it pero parang hindi niya ma gets. He makes it seem na ako pa ang mali. Retarded daw ako. Right now i want him out of my son's life but i don't know kung tama ba yun? I only want the best for my son and nothing more.

Objectively speaking it?s not right ipagkait yung mga bata sa ama. But I can only know this by theory. Haha

Kasi ewan ko pano Ma apply ito sa mga irresponsible dads na kahiya hiya kilalaning ama.

Why don?t you ask your son how he feels about it. Feeling ko kasi teenager na sya and his feelings and thoughts should be prioritised. If I?m disappointed, I let my kids know. One time, One of my ex?s close relative passed away. My sil texted me. I sent my condolences lang. that?s it. I?m not sure what they?re expecting, if they expect me or my kids to visit pa.

Para sakin, they didn?t participate in my kids growing years. And it?s not that I didn?t let them. And they knew at one time I am raising my kids alone. I lost my job. Wala silang paki. So my takeaway there, talagang kanya kanya na kami, kahit with the in laws. Kasi initially ok pa kami with the in laws kahit Hiwalay na kami. But because of succeeding incidents na Di man mag reach out and makakarinig ako ng big vacations nila or buying condos, ni wala Maiabot or phone call man lang sa mga anak ko, so di na bale.

[amethyst028]

^i only found out about his purchases kasi kasi he posts it on fb and he sends pics sa son ko. That time they are fb friends nung start na sila mag usap ulit. Ang kapal pa telling my son he bought those things para ipaman sa anak ko. I told my son by the time he learns how to drive luma na yung benz na yun baka madami na sira sakin pa manghingi anak ko ng pang repair nun no way.

Also may pangbili ng ganun pero one time i asked him to give 8k kasi may babayran sa school ng bata deadma siya wala daw pera. A normal and responsible father would give kasi alam niyang pang school yun. I could afford it but i want him to share finacially kasi he is back in his son's life and that is what parents do.

Ngayon nga nabasa ko yung chat nila the dad is saying he cannot visit often kasi he is working daw and that is for my son. Oh really? For my son e bakit hindi siya nagbibigay? Kelan pa ba matitikman yang fruits of his labor? In 7years time graduate na anak ko mag start na to work. Kelan niya plano tumulong financially or to spend time regularly?

I told the dad mabilis lang ang panahon one day his son is all grown up. If he can't be responsible now then when? i blocked him sa messenger ng anak ko. I don't want my son to think all dads are absentee dads. Where they will only show up when it is convenient.

[tischarmedlife]

For me, kasuhan mo na lang yang tatay ng anak mo sis. He can't be "responsible" lang kung kelan nya gusto. That is punishable by law under RA 9262. Whether legitimate or illegitimate, it is the right of the child (illegitimate or legitimate) to live a well-sustained life with help from both parents.

[Shadow Angel]

Kung ako siguro na parang kabute ang tatay na lulubog lilitaw kung kelan nya gusto mas mabuti pang no communication sa anak ko. Paano naman ang emotional stress ng anak ko diba like disappointment. Malaki na anak mo pede mo kausapin kung anong thoughts nya about sa sitwasyon. Better na di mo pagtakpan ka kulangan ng tatay nya ( if ever di mo sinasabi un mga di magandang ginagawa father nya) kung talaga gusto nya makasama anak di na kailangan sabihin mag effort bakit tuwing may okasyon lang? Para idisplay na good father sya sa mga relatives and friends nya. Mas nakakabwiset ang ganyan na mega post Sa socmed na akala mo ulirang ama. Kakabwiset ang ganitong ama walang kwenta.

[Girltalker2]

^ buti nga sana kung walang kwenta lang at puede mo Basta i-ignore. Ang nakakainis eh he even can add more issues and stress to you and guluhin pa lalo buhay nyo mag-iina.

[glamorosa_09]

Very frustrating and stressful nga ang magkaron ng partner or ex-partner na ganyang klaseng ama. Pero mukhang the higher the expectation the higher the stress and frustration.

I think that is your son's battle to face, ano ba plano gawin nya sa tatay nya? Tutal naman may isip na sya. As a mom, I think nakaantabay ka na lang sa tabi nya to give him the support that he needs -- if he's hurt, if he's stressed, if he's in pain. You can comfort, advice, emphatize.

Of course, as a mom, masakit din to witness that. Iyak ka na lang silently. Biglang nagflash saken ang suffering ni Mother Mary. Darating din naman yung time wherein he will have the realizations of his own. Who knows, eventually sya na rin mag give up.

Kung gusto nya pa ipaglaban yung relationship nya with his dad, nasa personality and belief mo kung anong gagawin mo bilang nanay.

[ms.holly]

I think I have been through the emotional roller coaster napagdaanan nio mga sis. from galit to forgiving to giving no expectation, disappointment, doubt and so on.  Yung naging prob ko sa ex ko was his parents actually very attached sa daughter ko since dun kame tumira since I gave birth so when we broke up I still allowed my daughter to spend some weekends there to ease the separation anxiety from moving away from friends and family members like titas that she grew very close to. Ang hirap to swallow your pain sa totoo lang kase bad break up kame but I couldnt stand seeing my daughter in pain too kase close sia sa mga tao dun and now everything is different. new house, new school, neighbors etc.  But after 2 years of almost walang binibigay na financial aid kahit she would spend weekends there atleast once a month as in napakaliit ng inaabot sa anak ko and they introduced her pa sa step brother na 1 year old ( may na buntis ex ko 3 months  after we broke up and now they are separated also) .  The anguish it caused my daughter she cried sa akin but said she couldnt cry there because everyone seemed so happy. Nagkafever pa nga siya e dito samen di siya sakitin.

So I thought ( with my mom's advise) to ask na for child support atleast financially they will be held liable kung emotionally e walang pake kung masakit that time. I sent an email sa ex ko he was so angry grabe panginsulto pa nakuha ko like mukhang pera. We talked on the phone and nagaway nanaman kame. So we decided to send him a formal demand letter na lang from our friend na lawyer. Ayan bumait na nag bigay nang enrollment downpayment but after that andame nanaman sinabe sa anak ko na di daw ako capable palakihin anak ko blah blah kasasma pa parents nia so ako I just decided parang its not worth it may sustento nga andame naman insult so di ko na naman hinayaan na makita nila. And of course ako na naman nagmukang bitter. Hayst the agony of that situation.

But after months di sila nag kikita I could see my daughter getting sadder and missing them. Recently nagusap nanaman kame kase the grandparents wanted to see her again so nagusap kame I was so angry and told him mga sama ng loob ko. as in shouting sa phone. But he acknowledged his mistake and now my daughter goes there na  sometimes she is happier even got an iphone as a gift and they would go out of town with the grannies and their whole family and she is just happier and more mature given everything that happened. They also have more respect for me (hopefully) or atleast wala na akong naririnig na masama from my daughter coming from them.

My take away lang from this is if he or his family is a good influence or will be a good influence sa anak nio be open to co-parenting. Dont let the kid suffer because there will be traumas for children in this situation. I admire single moms but we should all stop the cycle the exes not getting along it is for the happiness and growth naman ng bata. But I know there is a right time for everything and as long as he is a decent enough man din to acknowledge his mistakes and take responsibility.
 It is really not healthy for a child to hate a parent. This is my opinion lang naman.         

   

[amethyst028]

Thank you mga sis. By the way happy monther's day sa mga momshies dito.❤️

Sweet talker kasi yung dad he tells my son stuff and he makes promises but when it comes to actually coming through he falls short. kaya galit na galit ako pag hindi siya tumutupad kasi magkaka epekto yun sa emotional well being ng son ko.

At eto pa, sabi niya the last time we talked na magpasalamat daw anak ko at tinanggap niya yung bata sa buhay niya. WTF? Umuusok talaga ako nung narinig ko yun. I gave him a mouthful dahil para bang utang na loob pa namin na andiyan siya.

Ang sa akin ok lang kung hindi siya magbigay kaya ko naman at kinakaya financially pero mag spend time siya sa bata. Make his presence felt. Kung wala naman siyang time then tumulong siya financially. Pero yung walang time at wala rin binibigay so ano pa silbi niya? Then kung maka post sa soc med na pa bida. Same height na sila at 5'10" and lumaki ba yun ng hanging lang. It takes a village to raise a child and he acts like he was a big part of it. hindi ko talaga ma take. Nakakasuka.

May mga tao palang ganyan ano? I don't know saan niya nakuha yung parenting style niya na yan. Yung parent ka pero wala ka dapat gawin. Di ka dapat mahirapan in any kind of way and your child owes you a lot just by your mere existence. And if someone calls your attention on it sila ang mali at mga retarded. Natatawa na lang ako.

[amethyst028]

@ms.holly i don't mind if they have a relationship as long as his dad can be a good influence. But the thing is the dad won't spend time busy daw siya kasi he is working for his children (may isa pa kasi siyang anak sa iba pero hindi sila kasal and hiwalay na rin). Ok na sana yun diba, but he also won't give financially. So ano yun?

If it were up to me i love the idea of co parenting kasi alam ko naman na kailangan ng bata both. But in my case it cannot work e. The dad has a very screwed up idea of parenting. I guess he thinks kids are like plastic flowers andiyan lang sila no need to tend to them and they will survive then show them off to the whole world. Not even a living plant coz God forbid you have to water that and he doesn't have time for any of that. He is much too important to disturb and actually give a hand in raising his kids. I gave him one too many chances and i have reached my limit.

[glamorosa_09]

Sweet talker kasi yung dad he tells my son stuff and he makes promises but when it comes to actually coming through he falls short. kaya galit na galit ako pag hindi siya tumutupad kasi magkaka epekto yun sa emotional well being ng son ko.

Hmm... Of course, kung may emotional abuse, you have to intervene and protect your son. In your case, is your ex merely using your son for soc med purposes only? Para lang to paint a picture of himself na good father siya? As in, yun lang talaga?

And how about the take of your son. When they spend time together, can your son say na quality time iyon? Na-sasatisfy ba sya?

Also anong reactions nya sa mga posts ng tatay nya sa social media regarding him? Baka iba ang dating sayo at sa kanya. Pero I understand where you're coming from, nakakainis nga naman yung mga taong pretentious, lalo na yung taong you have a significant history with.

Mahirap itong issue na ito. Kung ikaw lang ang masusunod, cut na. Pero the child also has wishes and desires of his own. Baka, hindi rin maganda ang effect sa kanya kung decision mo lang ang masusunod, nang wala pa syang nafoform na realization.

My only suggestions are open communication with your son about your feelings and your observations without judging the father. May idea ba sya sa mga iniisip mong ganito? If he still wants to pursue it, you can teach him about boundaries, para alam nya when to draw the line.

For sure meron syang emotional needs as a son, and if the father is that cruel, he's maybe using it for his gain. Again, not an easy issue, kasi meron pang side yung anak mo. You can let him be counseled, if you're that concerned about his emotional well-being.

[ms.holly]

If it were up to me i love the idea of co parenting kasi alam ko naman na kailangan ng bata both. But in my case it cannot work e. The dad has a very screwed up idea of parenting. I guess he thinks kids are like plastic flowers andiyan lang sila no need to tend to them and they will survive then show them off to the whole world. Not even a living plant coz God forbid you have to water that and he doesn't have time for any of that. He is much too important to disturb and actually give a hand in raising his kids. I gave him one too many chances and i have reached my limit.

Same here sis actually my ex parang immature din alagain nga ng parents nia. His car was given by his parents pa but his parents are really family oriented and thats the influence I want for my kid. Not entirely the dad but the grannies so I would feel guilty if I deprived my daughter of their love. Mejo freeing nga to let go of the anger and just move on. Masaya na ako with my life now and when I see my daughter happy din then good for everyone

[amethyst028]

@glamorosa_09 actually sis sa part ng son he is ok without his dad. Madami kasi gusto son ko mga gaming stuff and some of them are expensive so last year when they started talking again he would tell his dad yung mga gusto niya and the dad keeps saying na he will buy it. Sa akin kasi i provide the basics and i don't want to raise a spoiled child so pag may gusto siya i tell him sa bday niya or sa xmas. But not everything he wants, he can choose one na gustong gusto niya talaga at yun na ang gift ko.

My son knows everything. I told him the reason why it did not work, what the dad did etc. not for him to spite his dad but so he could understand why we are not together. Yung totoo lang walang halong exaggeration or paninira. Regarding quality time on the rare times na kinukuha siya ng dad niya it's always with a gathering of people kasi lagi may occassion e. Minsan bag overnight sa hotel 2 bedrooms pa, the dad and his live in partner dun sa isang room and my son sa other room. Never na silang 2 lang, it's always for show.

@ms.holly wala akong galit sa dad niya. What happened between us was the past. Ang ayoko lang how he treats my son. Na para bang utang na loob ng bata na andiyan tatay niya.

I'm in a great place and about to get married by the end of the year. my fiance treats my son like his own. I can say i'm pretty lucky in almost all aspects of my life except for the dad. My son does not look for him and is not attached sa mga relatives ng dad niya. The lolo and lola on his dad side are not close sa mga anak at apo. Like the dad pang social media and pang show lang sila parati na one big happy family sila.

My son is also the type na kung ano meron yun lang he is happy already. But of course like any person kung nag promise ka sa kanya syempre mag expect siya yung ang kinakagalit ko yung i let down ang bata kasi ako i've done all i could kahit hindi na ako kumain ma assure lang na makapag provide ako for him and mabigay ko yung best.

[glamorosa_09]

So to cut the story short i told my son to stop talking to his dad. That was last year december. A few days ago my son reached out to his dad kasi need niya yung receipt for the gift his dad gave nung xmas under warranty and not working kasi. But the dad said he lost it and wants to see him again. I told my son to ask his dad for money 30k for his tuition fee na 60k. So in short hati kame. But as usual the dad won't give money.

Going back to your first post, nagkaron ka na ng resolution to cut the father from your son's life, when you asked him to stop communicating with his father. Based from your recent reply that he's okay without his father, mukhang madaling kausap yung son mo. Mukhang, "okay, sige, hindi ko na sya kakausapin."

But then came the receipt na kailangan ng son mo from the dad. So meron ulit communication and invitation from the dad. Masesense mo naman din kung gustung-gusto ng son mo mag-attend ng family event. If you say no, and he's okay with it and shows no sign of sadness, then I think ok lang yun.

Needless to say, yung pinaka-importante naman dito ay yung side ng bata. Kung di issue sa kanya walang presence ang dad nya, then okay to cut back the dad. Kung may desire sya to connect with the dad, then syempre kailangan i-consider yun. Unless, kung dito pumapasok yung pagiging sweet talker ng ex mo... Para lang pumunta sa occasions yung anak mo eh, magpapangako ng mga bagay na di tinutupad.

[ms.holly]

Then sis if di naman kawalan sa bata ang presence ng dad then let him be dont waste your energy feeling bad or fighting. At then end of the day kawalan nila they are missing out on the happiness of having a child. You are doing him a favor pa nga of allowing him to see his child pero kung ayaw e di wag. Let him explain na lang sa anak nia when he is older. Im sure even if your son grows up hating his dad believe me he (father )will  hate himself more. Kahit itago nia pa sa arrogance and insults yan Im sure there will come a time maiisip niya yun.

[marge070407]

pinakamaganda talaga dyan sis kasuhan mo. Ganyan ang ginawa ng friend ko pero mas mabilis sa PAO siya lumapit through Cityhall. Kaya wala din siya binayad sa atty. Ayun monthly  nagbibigay na ng sustento ang father.

[donya_dyosa]

kakasuhan ko nalang din if ako yan.
kahit hindi magbigay at least may panakot ka. kawawa ang mga single moms talaga...

[plumpolka]

i think its best not to influence your child if he wants to have a relationship with his father. you may think you're doing the best for him pero sa tingin ko, mas maganda if you just let him decide on his own kung mabuti ba o hindi para sa kanya yung ama nya. para sakin kasi, kids wont understand pa whether their father is good or bad just because of finances e. di naman nila malalaman importance ng financial support ng father nila not until they're old enough di ba. for them "fatherhood" is emotional aspect palang and for you to decide na he's not a good father dahil sa financial irresponsibilty nya is your POV of him being a father.  pero dont worry kasi someday your child will see what you see sa father nya. im sure pag napgod din sya, sya mismo lalayo sa kanya at hindi ka masisisi ng anak mo na nilayo mo sya sa papa nya. kasi he saw it in his own eyes, in his own experiences. best thing to do is to support your child if he still wants to have a relationship with his dad.

But of course, file a case for child support para siguradong walang takas. sa sarap at ligaya lang sila andyan, pero sa hirap wala. alam ko pwedeng derecho sa company na deducted from his salary to your account and court ang mag calculate kung magkano ang para sa anak mo. i think yun ang best na ipaglaban mo.

but then again, just a POV ng nasa middle ground hehe.

[dismembered]

Hindi ko ma-imagine paano nagkakaroon ng ganyang pagiisip ang isang Ama. Marami akong kilala na ganyan ang  sitwasyon ng buhay. Sarap lang sa buhay, bili sa luho at kung ano ano pero ang mga anak, hindi sinusustentuhan. Makakapal ang mukha ika nga. Kung walang pang-tuition ang anak, wari bang ibenta ang laptop at kotse? t**** lang hindi alam ang priorities sa buhay. Nakakagigil yung mga ganyan. Dapat markahan yan ng "katangahan" at "kagaguhan" sa mukha para lagi nilang dalhin yan at hindi na makapambiktima pa dahil baka makaloko pa ng mga babae ulit.

No offense meant. Pero halos lahat ng kilala kong ganyang lalake eh laki sa layaw. Spoiled ng mga magulang. Parang every pagkakamali nila, may mga magulang na sumasalo ng consequences ng pagkakamali ng anak nila. Kaya ayan, hindi marunong kumuha ng responsibility, iniisip yata nila na may sasalo na magulang sa kanila. May magpapaaral ng anak nila at hindi matitiis ng mga magulang.

[amethyst028]

@plumpolka i hope you were able to read my post well. It is not really just the financial aspect. He doesn't make time for his son. He only borrows him pag may occassion like bdays, xmas, new year. What kind of dad does that please tell me. As a mother who will give my own life for my child i cannot understand how his dad can only see him a few times a year. And those times they are with a lot of people and mostly for show lang. to have something to post on social media and make him look good. That he is a good father.

I am getting married soon and my fiance knows the situation. He promised to be the dad my son never had. I know it is not the same thing but what choice do i really have. I did not ask my fiance to do it he volunteered. I cannot force my ex to be present and to make time if he does not want to. My son can see his dad if he wants to. Hindi ko naman sila pinaglalayo. Yung tatay mismo ayaw magpakita pag walang occassion.

@dismembered oo nga bro. Kahit ako hindi ko ma gets mga ganitong klaseng tao. As a dad it is their job to provide pero wala e. Actually hindi na nga yung money yung time na lang sana pero wala rin. He is busy working daw para sa anak niya pero hindi nagbibigay ng money.

In short he is too busy for hiimself. If he keeps this up one day he will be old and grey and find that there is no one there for him coz he was never there for anyone. It will be an empty life but that is his choice. I hope the material things he accumulated will keep him happy.