When the problem are your Parents

[fifi_girl]

Hello Sisses!

Need your advice sana, please read below:

My partner and I separated for almost 2 years. During those times, my parents supported all through out. These past few weeks, my ex-partner and I worked on fixing things between us. Madami ng nangyari within the past two years, words has been said. Specifically, he and my dad. But my dad never na "pumatol" sa mga sinasabi ni ex-partner. Fast forward to two weeks ago, nagkita kami ni ex and we both felt that we still love each other, and that we are decided to work on things.

Last weekend, i told my parents that ex and I will meet the next day to talk and discuss things. I felt like my dad does not want us to get back together. I don't know, really. All he said was maganda daw ang genes namin, wag ko daw sayangin, to think na may anak na kami. Na wag daw emotion ang pairalin ko. He even implied na may "problema" daw sa ex-partner ko because of the past incidents na may nasabi si ex sa kanya. Dapat daw pag nag-usap kami, kaharap family ni ex.

Now, we got back together, and i haven't told them yet. Kase natatakot ako sa kung anong masasabi nila. Natatakot ako dahil kung ano ano na naman ang itatanong nila sa akin. We both decided that it's time for us to move in together to start anew. Before we separated before, he was staying with us in our family home. And i know hindi na namin pwede gawing option na tumira sa amin. Ang pinaka-practical is for us to stay at his house in Batangas. Tiyaga na lang sa byahe everyday since we are both working in Manila. We both feel uncomfortable na mag rent tapos un anak namin maiiwan lang sa yaya all day. We opted to plan staying in Batangas para may titingin din sa anak namin.

My biggest problem is telling my parents about it. Iniisip ko pa lang, nagkakaroon na ko ng anxiety and palpitations. Parang ang hirap hirap para sa akin na kausapin sila about it, that my son and I are moving out of our house to move to Batangas. I don't know why, but i feel like i always need their approval for everything that i do. Na pag hindi sila pabor sa decision ko, i would rather sacrifice my own feelings rather than disobeying them. Alam ko hindi dapat, kase 34y/o na ko, and im capable of making my own decisions.

Help naman po!

[amethyst028]

^hi sis. I know how  you feel. Ganyan din ako before.

Ano ba reason bakit kayo naghiwalay in the first place?

Siguro try mo stay with your ex every weekend for a few weeks until most of your stuff is there n tapos magsabi ka na sa parents mo of your plans to move in with your bf.

Right mo naman din to try to work on your relationship and i am sure your parents will understand. Sa umpisa magagalit talaga sila so accept mo na lang mga sasabihin nila syempre normal reaction lang naman yun ng magulang. When the dust settles magiging ok din ang lahat.

Kame ng ex ko ilang beses kame nag hiwalay and got back together for our son. Everytime na ok kame ng ex ko andun kame nakatira sa kanila. Wala na magawa parents ko kasi may anak kame initally nagagalit sila kung ano-ano sinasabi tuwing nagbabalikan kame but eventually tumatahimik na rin. In the end it did not work so umuwi na kame ng son ko sa parents ko for good. Wala sila sinabi natuwa pa nga kulang na lang magpa party. Hehe!

[simang]

Baka possible to 'date' your ex muna and not move in together right away, so your partner can gain your parents' trust back first. Supportive naman pala parents mo and I think syempre sila mismo nakita nila yung relationship nyo since tumira kayo sa kanila, so I think normal lang na magdalawang isip sila if you choose to get back together since may pinanggagalingan sila. Since sabi mo naman eh recently lang rin kayo nagkaayos ng partner mo, baka you also have to take your time before living together. Di ko alam dynamics nyo but tingin ko possible naman yun, that way, hindi rin gaanong maninibago ang anak nyo. How was your ex with your kid nung time na hiwalay kayo?

[Girltalker2]

Sis, I believe that our parents are there to guide us and wish we live a happy and fulfilling life. Hindi lang may nasabi ex mo sa dad mo, I think it?s more than that.

I agree sa suggestion na get to know your ex again. Before moving in. The thing is damay din anak nyo dito and if things don?t work out, mahirap for the kid to adjust (emotionally at least).

Secondly, can you ponder on the issues you faced when you were together? Most likely they will recur and therefore how do you intend to address it?

Bakit hindi kayo puede magrent ng house near your parents place? Then at least Di malalayo anak mo sa parents mo. Long distance travel can be taxing, San kayo hahanap ng oras for your kid?

Please make sure you check reality. Parang ang Ganda ng plan nyo pero as an outsider, parang you are setting yourself up to fail. Hindi ganun kadali iniisip ko palang, eh without pa issues na you faced before. Long commute, your/your kid relationship with your parents, Tapos pati ikaw and anak mo mag aadjust din sa batangas, pati schooling nya affected, etc etc.

Masarap isipin, pero I don?t think it will work (sorry ha). Couples cannot live on love alone. It takes a lot of patience and sacrifice, and giving care for each other (BOTH kelangan mag effort, di lang ang babae). Opinion ko lang naman. Or may iba ka Pang factors na di mo nakwento that makes you think it can work. 

[fifi_girl]

^We have been seeing each other these past few weeks, and i can say na walang nagbago between us. All those times na magkahiwalay kami, tiniis lang namin just because walang may gusto mag-give in.

Ang naging option namin is to live in Batangas kase hindi kami mapapalagay pareho na maiiwan sa yaya yung anak namin. Lalo na ngayon, may nababalita na nawawalang mga bata... About sa commute, it is around 1.5-2 hours travel (one way). And sya, yun na ang ginagawa niya ngayon to and from work daily. So parang ang mangyayari is sacrifice lang talaga sa travel time.

As much as possible, ayaw pa nya humarap sa parents ko. Hiya na din siguro dahil sa mga nangyari dati. And i do understand yung pinanggagalingan niya kung bakit ayaw pa nya humarap sa parents ko.

Ang iniisip ko is, at least i tried. If it works, then good. Kung hindi, then at least alam ko.

[ficklemind]

Sis, parang nasubaybayan ko ata ang story mo, the one with the bakery business tama ba? wow, so nagkabalikan pala kayo sis! 
Wala pa ako macomment about this topic, sorry!

[fifi_girl]

Sis, parang nasubaybayan ko ata ang story mo, the one with the bakery business tama ba? wow, so nagkabalikan pala kayo sis! 
Wala pa ako macomment about this topic, sorry!

yes sis! naalala mo pa pala yun post ko dati 
sya na din naman ang nag-initiate na ayusin na namin. He's already working now, and syempre hindi pa din nawawala sa isip nya yung mag-business. But this time, nakikita ko na pinag aaralan talaga nya and pinagiipunan

[ficklemind]

^ yup sis naalala ko pa, medyo hati din kasi ang response dun diba, either support him/leave him mga replies ng mga sisses. Glad that you have worked things out.

Medyo agree ako kay sis Simang,  take your time , kasama na dun yung pag build trust and confidence ulit ng parents mo sa kanya. Why not start telling them  nagkabalikan na kayo then paunti-unti may progress hanggang sa mahatid ka na sa bahay tapos makaharap na parents mo, hanggang sa ready nyo masabi plans nyo into moving together and living as a family.

Si partner mo din sana should find the courage to face your parents one day.

[glamorosa_09]

Naalala ko nga rin...

My initial opinion there was to support the partner, thinking that they were married. Then as the thread progressed, different issues from the partner surfaced, so my opinion changed... ah di pa pala kayo married... let go...

But anyway, doesn't hurt to give it a chance. But hopefully, you will know eventually if this relationship is right for you and your child.

Kaya lang, pag lumaki kang magulang mo ang palaging nagdedesisyon para sayo, parang ang hirap mapagkatiwalaan ng instinct mo, kung maganda ba ang magiging desisyon mo sa buhay o hinde. Are you deciding nga ba based on reason or emotion?

Given your situation, you'll never know what the future holds... in case  you make a mistake, grow up na lang... baka naman din umayos partner mo since hindi ka na attached sa family mo. And regarding naman sa family mo, there's no easy way out but through... Also, on their part, it's their challenge to let go of you... dapat nga nung adolescent ka pa nag-assert ng autonomy mo at nag-individuate.

Kaya lang... baka mamaya, maging pingpong ball ka lang, between an authoritarian/controlling parent and controlling/manipulating partner. Kasi nga baka hindi ka nakapag-establish ng identity mo nung bata-bata ka pa. Anyway, nag-aassume lang ako, di ko naman kayo kilala talaga.

[Girltalker2]

Naalala ko na yung bakery!

Didn?t know same TS pala. At that time, inis ako sa guy kasi walang balls to man up his mistakes and prioritise the family.
Hanggang ngayon, he seems to play the hiya reason. Sorry TS, pero para sakin, if he is really ready to raise a family, kahit pa sigawan sya ng Tatay mo, he should be man enough to face him to prove na talagang serioso sya sa inyo and in raising a family. It is also a gesture that their Daughter is in ?good hands?.

Tsaka I remember may issue ka din before sa family nya na parang nakaasa ba sa kanya or Ginagamit yung car na he used your money for down payment. Then balak mo makitira sa kanila. Baka labas mo abonado ka pa. Haiz.

Sana lang nagbago nanga sya for the better.

Sorry sis, as I read this thread, I?m beginning to recall details at naiinis ako lalo sa bf mo. Tsaka if di naman kayo kasal, bakit kayo mag l-live in? Why not wait for him to propose. Walang magulang gusto ganyan na setup and yet title ng thread mo parang sila pa ang problem. Feeling ko bf mo ang problema and since you?re in love, bulag ka narin.

^We have been seeing each other these past few weeks, and i can say na walang nagbago between us. All those times na magkahiwalay kami, tiniis lang namin just because walang may gusto mag-give in.

And now ikaw ang nag give in?
Did he provide any support to your child? Ever? And nung manganganak ka na, when you needed him the most, and he refused to give in. Ganun nalang ba iyan, forgive and forget sa part mo?

Ang iniisip ko is, at least i tried. If it works, then good. Kung hindi, then at least alam ko.

Didn?t you already try the last time hanggang sa napiga at napuno ka na? What are the factors that make you think that this time will work? Aside from love, may nagbago ba sa ugali nya and nirecognise na ba nya lahat ng Mali na ginawa nya - like resigning without even talking to you, accusing you na hindi supportive, asking you to resign kahit wala syang job, using your money for his gain, iniwan ka sa ere nung manganganak ka na and emotional blackmail if di mo sya pinahiram ng money sa naluluging business nya - knowing fully well you need funds to give birth, ni hindi man lang kayo bisitahin nung nanganak ka.
Kasi nahihiya sa Tatay mo? Dapat lang kasi binuntis ka nya nang di kayo kasal tapos iniwan ka mag Isa at bahala ka manganak mag Isa mo. Tell me sinong parents ang di magagalit.

[mysterioza_me]

As much as possible, ayaw pa nya humarap sa parents ko. Hiya na din siguro dahil sa mga nangyari dati. And i do understand yung pinanggagalingan niya kung bakit ayaw pa nya humarap sa parents ko.

I stopped reading na when I got to this spot. Ang akin lang kung hindi niya gagawin humarap sa parents ko no way akong sasama sa kanya. He should atleast apologize to my dad kung may nasabi or nagawa siya na hindi maganda. Isang pang proof yan na sincere siyang makipag-ayos. Isa pa dapat 2 kami na magsabi ng plans namin hindi yung ako lang magpasan ng burden ng pagsasabi sa magulang ko. Pero ako yan ah iba ka naman sa akin.

Saka di ko magets na bakit naintindihan mo pinanggagalingan ni guy e paano naman yung pinanggagalingan ng parents mo? Nung pinabayaan kayo ni guy, parents mo nagprovide for you and for your child. Ngayon na nagkaayos kayo parang nalimutan mo na feelings ng parents mo.

Nasa iyo iyan TS kung ok lang sa iyo na walang respect yang tao na yan sa parents mo. Isa pa pag-isipan mo yang commute thingy na yan. Jusme sa traffic sa Metro Manila mauubos energy mo sa byahe pa lang (di ba naging issue ninyo din yan?!)

[freshpicks]

Hi sis. I'm not in the position to say whether you made the right choice or not. Nor am I going to say what the problem really is. I'm not going to give you advice because chances are, my advice suits my lifestyle, values and priorities. Instead, I'll try to help you think through this. Here are some thoughts for you to ponder on.

- What makes it hard for you to tell your parents?
- What will make it easier for you to tell your parents?
- How is this situation affecting you?
- How important is it to you that your parents know?
- How important is it to you that your parents approve of or agree with your decision?
- How important is it to you that your partner is in good terms with your parents, and vice versa?
- How important is keeping your relationship with your partner to you?

As I'm not aware of the situation, eto nalang munang mga tanong na yan You don't need to tell us the answers. When you answer the questions "how important", try to put a number to it (ex. between 1-10). Then when you have the answers, reflect on it.. Bakit kaya hindi 10? Bakit kaya mas importante sa akin ito kaysa dito sa isa. Masaya ba ako dito? Hopefully makatulong sa concern mo.

[Shadow Angel]

Nagkabalikan pala kayo. Worth it ba sya para sa lahat ng gagawin mo? If plan nyo ang ganyan until when ganyan ang magiging sitwasyon nyo? Kung ako lang naman hindi ko gugustuhin ang complicated na sitwasyon lalo na kung ok na ako sa ngayon. Mukha decided ka na kaya wala ng makakapigil sayo.

[mysterioza_me]

Naawa ako sa parents. After silang saluhin mag-ina, ngayon yung parents ang lumalabas na masama. Hadlang na bigla sa forever. Kaya kung minsan mahirap makialam sa away magjowa. Bati na sila at nagkaayos tapos ikaw na tumulong na ang masamang tao. Tsk tsk.

[Cookie_Dough]

I did not know what you and your partner went through. But based on your posts, it seems like your partner truly messed up not only with you but also with your parents.  As a parent, I totally understand your parents' reaction.  They love you so much they do not want you to go through the same route you've taken before. They've seen how you've been hurt. At mas doble yung sakit nun para sa mga magulang.

If he truly wants to be part of your life, he must first fix his relationship with your parents. Gain their trust and respect. Yan ang isang bagay na dapat inisip ng partner mo, na hindi ka lamang IKAW lang kung hindi bahagi ka ng isang PAMILYA. Marriage or relationship is a package deal. IMHO, kung mahal ka nga talaga ng lalaking ito dapat na muna nyang igalang at irespeto ang mga magulang mo. Regain their trust. He must give your parents assurance that he is indeed for the long haul. These acts are part of the consequences of what he had done to you. 

[px17]

Paano naging problema yung parents mo sis? Hiya is just an excuse kung sincere siya siya dapat mag sorry man lang siya sa parents mo or sumama siya sa pagsasabi sa parents mo na magsasama na kayo ulit. Wala namang magulang na hahadlangan kaligayahan ng anak they always want the best for us nga diba.

Kahit naman anong desisyon mo wala ng magagawa parents mo pero atleast respect them. Nung down ka sila yung nadyan sayo. Feeling ko mali yung pakiramdam mo na kailangan mo ng approval from them alam din naman nila na nasa tamang edad ka na to decide e.

[gil12]

Kung sincere bf mo and maganda intention sa inyong mag-ina, he should man up and face your parents, lalo na father mo. you deserve that, ipakita man lang niya na mas mahalaga kayong mag-ina kesa sa hiya niya. Ikaw pa namomroblema ngayon pano approach parents mo, dapat siya gumawa ng paraan, siya gumawa ng effort. May naalala akong kakilala, may feud siya sa family niya, ayaw yata nung parents ni girl dun sa guy na husband na niya ngayon. Imbis na ipagbati o kausapin ni husband family ni girl lalo sila lumayo. Kahit pa sabihin ni girl na ayaw na niya sa family niya, unfair yun kasi may anak na sila. Naniniwala kasi ako, kapag mahal and sincere talaga sayo lalaki, lunukin niya hiya and pride niya.

[plumpolka]

tignan mo din kasi baka may ibang nakikita parents mo sa guy na hindi mo makita kasi mahal mo sya. talk to them instead kung ano bang issue nila. if mababago naman yung "fears" nila then they should trust you and your judgment sa guy na yan.

[iluvescadasport]

I don't know the whole story (and you don't have to share kasi private naman) but this is just my blunt opinion based on your post.

I felt like the devil saying this, but I will say it anyway. Just because kinupkop kayo (you and your child) ng magulang mo during the separation doesn't mean you owe them (your parents) your life and your decision-making rights. Yes, you appreciate what they did for you but it was their choice to help you in the first place, you didn't force them to do it (or did you?). Just because our parents are parents doesn't mean they are always right. Yes, they want the best for us but at the end of the day, buhay mo pa rin yan and you have the final say.

You are an adult and your ex is an adult. Deal with the situation like adults. Talk to your parents out of respect and not because feel mo meron kang utang na loob because tinulungan ka nila. Clarify that you appreciate their help and what they did for you, but yun nga, adults kayo and you and your ex made a decision. Make sure lang na panindigan niyo ang decision niyo.

Lastly, I'm begging you, DO NOT COMMUTE FROM BATANGAS TO MANILA EVERYDAY. Traffic! Ubos time mo sa byahe. Kung yan gagawin mo, parang yun yaya na ang naging nanay ng anak mo. Either choose a different job or rent a place near Manila.

[mysterioza_me]

^She shared her experience here sa separate thread kaya some of us here alam ang story. I forgot the title of the thread lang.

For me may utang na loob siyang dapat tanawin sa parents niya. Nilayasan niya na yang guy na yan kasi masyadong mataas ang ego at umuwi siya sa parents niya at nagpasaklolo, magulang pa din yun kaya susuportahan nila ang anak kapag humingi ng tulong. Kung wala siyang utang na loob sana respeto man lang. Lalo na hindi maganda ang naging hiwalayan nila before. May sinasabi pa ng guy na hahanap na lang siya ng ibang aasawahin. So mukhang di siya nakahanap ng papatol sa kanya kaya binalikan si TS.