Husband confides in other people

[SavannahJane]

Hi guys, i just want to let this out here. We're a relatively newly married couple. My husband is the type who isn't too emotional and doesn't make a big deal out of things. He's not one to cause drama or make tampo. He never gets mad. Basically it's hard to get into a big fight with him since he's usually mabait and forgiving. He has earned my full trust because he hasn't done anything of grave magnitude in the past to break my trust. We are not the super duper sweet couple na all-day nagtetext kasi super busy ko din at work, but we can be sweet and loving when we want to.

My problem is, I recently discovered that he talks to certain friends about me and our relationship, in a manner that is very disrespectful to me as a wife. I accidentally got access to his usually password-blocked phone and read him talking to a girl friend about our married life, that while he's "not complaining", he feels that "reality has set in" (so negative connotation parin). There was a time they were talking about the girl going to Japan, and he actually had the nerve to say, "promise me you'll wear something naughty" complete with naughty wink emoticons (who says that to a friend?!). Probably the worst I discovered with the same girl is that they were chatting while he was on a business trip and he actually shared with the girl na he finds the local girls there hot and that if he wasnt married/ committed lang, he might have actually approached one (for sex)--- "baka pwede", he said. Sa akin, he told me the girls there are ugly (yes, big fat LIE). Of course, this set my temper through the roof when i found out. A good guy i have committed to, and given up everything for, ganyan pala mag-isip. Wala man ginawa, madumi pala utak. Sirang-sira ang image nya sakin. I cried all day and night. Unfortunately, we are already married.

Then, to another friend, who happens to be a sexytary of some sort at his office, he keeps chatting, also dropping or sharing naughty lines, kahit sa sobrang daming messages nya e di naman nagrereply yung girl masyado.

What bothered me of course aside from all the wrong interactions is that there are days when he doesnt even text me while im at work, pero ganito pala ang chats nya with "friends" nya on Viber and FB. A day after i saw these, i actually burst out and confronted him about it kasi sumasabog na dibdib ko. He admitted what he said pero pinalabas nya na wala lang daw yun. I said i have a problem with it and he said he wont do it na. To be completely honest, i had suicidal thoughts from feeling so bad that time and even thought of filing for annulment. Eventually, i got over it before i even completed my research on what papers are needed to file one.

Earlier this week, i saw my name pop out again in one of his Viber chats. "I'm not saying si (my name) ha" was what it read. Obviously, he's confiding in other people again, about me. I dont get bakit hindi nalang nya sabihin sa akin kung anuman problema nya. It gets me so much more mad when he would tell this to other people (pati reputation ko sa mga yun, affected) without telling me anything! Kung nagsisisi sya about our marriage, or that i dont come home as early as him, or give him as much sex as he wants, or whatever other reason it is that i dont know, then he can just say it and I will easily go. Ang hirap tumira sa isang bahay with a person who just keeps confiding in other people pero pag kinonfront mo, say it's all ok and deny you the chance to do anything about it. Mas passionate pa sya sa mga chat relationships nya and so-called platonic friends kesa sakin. I love him of course, but I cannot stand how he isn't working to make our marriage better. While we get along okay, i dont want to be the only one working for a better marriage.

Right now, a part of me wants to prepare for a possible annulment (just as a Plan B, you never know), and part of me wants to seek counseling to save it. But i cant do it alone. Just to clear, i am not after any money, or property--- I could not care less about getting anything material from him, I just want a chance to have a real, committed marriage with a devoted partner. I have no clue on the first step to take in seeking annulments.

You know what's sad about this? Before we got engaged, i was actually with a guy who was just DYING to marry me. Pero binalikan ko yung long-time boyfriend and best friend ko (sya) because i couldnt learn to trust the new guy in such a short span of time, and i trusted that my best friend was the right person to marry. If there's one of us to feel resentful, then it should be me and not him. pero ako, fully committed ako sa choice ko.

I would appreciate anyone's advice on what you think I can or should do. Please let me know.
Thank you!

[Missus O]

^oh dear .. I'm sorry that you feel that way sis. I would suggest that maybe it might be better to talk to him again. But this time, maybe in calm manner. You can be honest and say na you accidently saw a viber message with your name on it, obviously being discussed with somebody else. You can ask him directly if he has a problem with you. You can ask him how come that he feels he couldn't confide in you the things or traits that he finds unappealing or irritating in you. Of course, this might be like opening a can of worms. You should be open-minded enough to accept criticisms. If your husband is a bit "bastos" or "naughty" with other girls, would you also have the same reaction if he becomes"naughty" with you?  Sometimes a wife also needs to act like a "puta" (pardon my french) to spice things up.  I don't believe that there is a perfect person kaya most likely a person will always have flaws. If those are his only flaws, let's say mahilig sya, mahirap yan baguhin. Ang pwedi mo lang jan baguhin eh idirect ang attention nya elsewhere. Like, instead of being naughty with other people, he can be naughty with you. Pero shempre, you also have to accept change.

Marriage is a two way street, so unless both accepts change and relent, walang mangyayari. Counselling is always recommended of course before you go and decide on annulment. Pero of course, this would always be upto you. Goodluck and God bless

[Girltalker2]

TS Gosh umiinit ulo ko sa asawa mo!

When you talked to him, did you tell him that you will leave him oras na may malaman ka ulit na similar incident or anything that makes you feel betrayed.

Secondly, may concept ba sya ng being trustworthy and being faithful to your vows? Para sakin parang bastusan na eh. Sa harap mo mabait to avoid confrontation. Pero sa likod, para syang traitor, daig pa nya si Judas.

Lastly, I couldn't agree with you more. You cannot make a marriage work if one party is a habitual liar. Parang sa sobra nyang dalas magdinungaling, it just comes out naturally in him, without batting an eyelash, parang bass dugo na nya. Sorry sis, I've been in your shoes at alam ko how painful this can be, but I don't see any possible improvement in your marriage if your hubby is sinungaling talaga by nature.

Best to read through his mind in your discussions/observations with him to see if you can live with this kind of person for the rest of your life. And while assessing, madali lang magfile ng annulment, mga 2 yrs lang so long as alam mo di ka tatakbuhan ng lawyer mo, kaya go for referrals.

Pray also para Ma guide ka ni Lord what what's the best you can do with this situation

[ri-anne]

It just makes me wonder, since you mentioned he was your long-time bf and best friend, hindi mo man lang ba nakita yang ganyan nyang ugali before you got married with him?

Parang imposible namang walang hint man lang. You probably just ignored, or ano yun, lumabas pagiging ganyan nya when he became a married guy?

If he was like that before but you chose to ignore, sad to say it will be hard to change him.
 Unless sya mismo ma-realize nyang mali yan at mag-decide magbago.

Now if being married made him like that, try to assess yourself and your relationship. Bakit nga ba nya yan biglang ginagawa?

Ano solution. There's no one step perfect solution.
-basta importante ma-cultivate mo ang honest, open & constant communication in your relationship.
 why not ask him what makes him do those things to you (lie, confide to others, flirt with others etc)? Baka kulang sa attention mo.
-Try to make some changes in your routine.
-Just like what our sis said, kailangan ma-divert mo attention nya sayo.

I hope the two of you will be able to work things out. Ganyan naman ang marriage eh.  Hindi yung konteng problema lang annulent na agad solution. Especially you're newly married, talagang may adjustments. Who said married life is a smooth ride? it will be, once both parties agree to really make the marriage work.

[quinone]

Probably the worst I discovered with the same girl is that they were chatting while he was on a business trip and he actually shared with the girl na he finds the local girls there hot and that if he wasnt married/ committed lang, he might have actually approached one (for sex)--- "baka pwede", he said. Sa akin, he told me the girls there are ugly (yes, big fat LIE). Of course, this set my temper through the roof when i found out. A good guy i have committed to, and given up everything for, ganyan pala mag-isip. Wala man ginawa, madumi pala utak. Sirang-sira ang image nya sakin. I cried all day and night. Unfortunately, we are already married.

are you only in love with the image your husband is projecting to you?

in my opinion normal naman yan sa lalake; yung sinabi niya na if he were single he'd want to have sex with those girls. maybe kung sayo niya kinukwento yung mga ganyan, hindi ka masyado mao-offend.

huwag ka magalit sis ha pero ang first impression ko sa post mo parang uptight ka, parang princessa na dapat laging politically correct kapag kinausap. that's just my first impression (and i could be really really wrong).

naisip ko lang baka yan ang reason kung bakit your husband would rather flirt via text with other women. think of ways to direct that energy of his towards you. sabi nga nung isang famous song, ang gusto ng babae maginoo pero medyo bastos. i think yan din ang gusto ng lalaki sa wives nila...someone they can respect at the same time be very naughty with too.

i think adjustment period pa lang naman ito sa inyo, mas makikilala at matatanggap (hopefully) pa ninyo yung isa't-isa. chaka ganoon naman diba when we love someone? we love both their good and bad qualities. when you feel down, mas mag focus ka sa kung ano yung mga mabuti sa kanya.

[hisana]

Yes, those chats do sound inappropriate, but since sabi mo na wala ka pa naman major problem sa kanya before, I think it's maybe too soon pa to give up on your marriage! Okay na for now yung you ask him to tone down his kalandian, and then observe kung gagawin nga nya. Give it more time before deciding to do something more drastic.

[Shadow Angel]

Para sa akin hindi basta dapat give up sa marriage. Kaya nga mahalaga tanggap nyo Ang weaknesses ng isa't isa before magpakasal. After marriage dun mo na kasi makikilala ng totoo si other half. Mahirap kung so called matino na part lang ang tanggap or mahal mo. Ang pangit lang dyan sa hubby mo TS talking behind your back na may problema pala sayo hindi naman masabi sayo. And napaisip naman ako bakit hindi masabi sayo maybe kilala ka nya kung paano ka tumanggap ng criticism or kung anoman issue nya sayo kaya instead na sabihin sayo sa iba na lang iwas gulo pa which is siempre hindi rin naman tama na ganun ang gawin nya dahil mag-asawa kayo. About sa pagiging naughty ang mga lalaki may ganyan talaga side na madalas mga close friends nila ang nakakaalam why kasi may mga lalaki hindi nila gusto mabawasan yun image nila sa wife na wholesome sila. Nagkataon lang na nalaman mo ganun sya with so called friends. Magusap muna kayo hwag padalos dalos ng desisyon.

[Girltalker2]

It just makes me wonder, since you mentioned he was your long-time bf and best friend, hindi mo man lang ba nakita yang ganyan nyang ugali before you got married with him?

True. But sometimes people change, we really can't tell.

If he was like that before but you chose to ignore, sad to say it will be hard to change him.
 Unless sya mismo ma-realize nyang mali yan at mag-decide magbago.

Agree. Most likely ganyan na sya. Kasi nagkausap na sila ni TS. Most likely din, be can not change na. Maybe he can Pag kaharap Wife para walang argument.

Therefore it is either magtiis ka habang buhay. Whenever you look at him, ewan ko lang if you can still see him with the same fondness (I've been there, cannot gain back trust especially if paulit ulit gawin and mag lie)

Ano solution. There's no one step perfect solution.
-basta importante ma-cultivate mo ang honest, open & constant communication in your relationship.

Yes walang perfect marriage. Kaso you can never achieve an open and honest communication Kung fundamentally sinungaling ang kausap mo.

[Kensi]

Kung ganito yung nangyari sa akin, kakausapin ko asawa ko. Sasabihin ko kung anong nabasa ko at kung anong naramdaman ko pagkatapos kong basahin iyon. Sana marealize niya na hindi maganda yung ginagawa niya, lalo na't may asawa siyang tao.

Pero ito lang maipapayo ko sayo, huwag mo na lang tingnan ang cellphone at kung anong gadgets ng asawa mo. Gawain ko rin iyan dati, binabasa ko messages, tinitingnan ko call logs, nagbabasa ng emails, etc. Pero walang mabuting naidulot iyang gawain na iyan sa akin -- magseselos ako kung makikita ko na malapit siya sa katrabaho niyang babae, maiinis ako kung makikita ko na sa mga oras na hindi niya ako kausap, may kausap siyang ibang babae, yung inis at selos ko pagsisimulan ng away naming mag-asawa. intruding on his personal and private thoughts may do more harm than good.

[tomatostellar]

My husband is the type who isn't too emotional and doesn't make a big deal out of things. He's not one to cause drama or make tampo. He never gets mad. Basically it's hard to get into a big fight with him since he's usually mabait and forgiving. He has earned my full trust because he hasn't done anything of grave magnitude in the past to break my trust. 

Naku ganyan na ganyan boyfriend ko kaya natatakot ako e. I keep telling him na sabihin sakin pag may hindi sya gusto or naiinis sya, pero ganon pa din.

Na-feel ko na may resentment ka din sa pag mention this other guy. If you're fully committed to your decision, consider getting professional help muna.

Wish you all the best TS!

[yannuh]

Sobrang gulat ko sa post mo sis. Hai ang hirap neto sobra. After mo sya kausapin, ano na nangyari? Di pedeng sabihinh adjustment period p din to kasi sobrang nakakasakit at nakakababoy sa part nating girls. Yung nagcoconfide ng problems sa friends, understandable pero yung flirty texts nya with other girls, di ko matanggap. Nakakabastos talaga.

[Girltalker2]

Kung ganito yung nangyari sa akin, kakausapin ko asawa ko. Sasabihin ko kung anong nabasa ko at kung anong naramdaman ko pagkatapos kong basahin iyon. Sana marealize niya na hindi maganda yung ginagawa niya, lalo na't may asawa siyang tao.

Ito nanga ginawa ni TS pero ganun pa din.

Pero ito lang maipapayo ko sayo, huwag mo na lang tingnan ang cellphone at kung anong gadgets ng asawa mo.

Actually di mo nga dapat gawin iyan. Pero lalabas at lalabas ang katotohanan. In whatever form, kahit Hindi cellphone, makakarinig ka I'm sure from his officemates or something.

And you cannot just keep a blind eye on this. The marriage has no foundation at sobrang skewed ng character ng husband. Tapos imagine mo Ihiya ka pa or idamay sa discussions nya with his colleagues. Isipin mo anong mukha ang maiharap mo sa kanila kung patuloy ang asawa mo na umasta ng ganyan.

[purple.strawberry]

You know sis, what stood out sa'kin dito is this - he told the girl friend the local girls in another country are hot but he told you a different thing, that they're ugly possibly so you won't have doubts or worry.

Ganyang-ganyan yung ex ko. Would say something that will appease me or tipong wala akong iisipin. And take note I'm not a jealous type pa. I found out later na he's not just a casual, pathological liar but socially manipulative as well.

With the way your husband lies to you, how do you know he hasn't cheated yet or isn't going to.

Siguro you two sit down and talk. Open communication.

[j.adore]

Nakakastress at nakakainis

- Your husband is very different from the person you know him to be. Since mag-bestfriend kayo, hindi ba talaga ganyan ang pagkakakilala mo sa kanya? Not even an inkling in all those years?

This is a communication problem. He's in the culture na para walang away, hindi magsasabi ng kahit na anong issue/problema. Masama dun, sa iba pa siya magsasabi -- mga taong hindi naman makakatulong solusyonan yung problema.

For him to disrespect you this much, it seems may built up contempt and resentment siya.
Sis, do you always get your way? When there are issues or decisions to be made, does he give up? Or can you say that you both actually discuss and find a middle ground/compromise?
The only explanation I can think of his attitude is that he doesn't "win" much so his solution is to just let it go. Build resentment, then get comfort from other people.



- Bastos ang husband mo.
It wouldn't be such a bad thing if he directs it to you and if he's into porn or other media na walang direct interaction sa ibang babae.

Problem is, his green mind is directed to other women he has regular interactions with. Kung makatapat siya ng malandi....

Confirm ko lang you never had an inkling that he is this type of person? How is your relationship sexually? As mentioned here, baka naman he is not fulfilled kaya ganyan? I'm not saying it's an excusable reason but just trying to figure out why.



- As long as he thinks this is not a problem, he will continue doing these things.
Kita mo naman, kinausap mo na and all, tuloy pa din ang ligaya. The difference might be increased vigilance on his end if he knows you are watching him.
If talking about problems in your relationship doesn't work. Maybe try counselling? If you've exhausted everything at ganyan na siya talaga, then I guess tama nga not meant to be together kayo.

You know what's sad about this? Before we got engaged, i was actually with a guy who was just DYING to marry me. Pero binalikan ko yung long-time boyfriend and best friend ko (sya) because i couldnt learn to trust the new guy in such a short span of time, and i trusted that my best friend was the right person to marry. If there's one of us to feel resentful, then it should be me and not him. pero ako, fully committed ako sa choice ko.

Unfortunately, kaya nga they say "best wishes" to the bride because she has chosen the guy to marry. So this should be out of the picture when dealing with the current problem..

Although, how long are you married na sis? Di naman ito nagka-impact sa relationship/marriage niyo?

[stylus]

Ang nakakainis sa kwento mo sis, sabi mo for the longest time boyfriend and best friend mo sya. Pero ngayon it seems mas close pa sya sa mga ka chat nya kasi mas napapakita nya yung "totoo" na sya sa kanila. Ikaw na asawa parang di mo ngayon kilala ugali ng asawa mo kaya ka nagkakaganyan. Siguro nauna kayo maging mag boyfriend bago mo nadeclare sa sarili mo na best friend mo na rin sya. Nakakalungkot lang that all along, iba pala pagkatao niya.

Mahihirapan na sya magbago sis. Pwedeng oo pero hanggat may ibang babae na posibleng mag initiate ng chat conversation sa kanya, effort para mag seen zone diba. May possibility pa rin na magreply lalo kung regular nya kausap yung mga girl friends.

Kung mahal mo talaga sya sis, wag ka mag give up kagad. Afterall, kakastart pa lang ng marriage nyo. Baka pwede pa pag usapan. I believe pinakasalan ka nya dahil mahal ka nya kaya dapat he'll be willing to work it out with you.

[Girltalker2]

Ang nakakainis sa kwento mo sis, sabi mo for the longest time boyfriend and best friend mo sya. Pero ngayon it seems mas close pa sya sa mga ka chat nya kasi mas napapakita nya yung "totoo" na sya sa kanila. Ikaw na asawa parang di mo ngayon kilala ugali ng asawa mo kaya ka nagkakaganyan.

I think the worse part is parang nakakahiya humarap din sa mga friends at colleagues ni hubby at parang sirang sira na reputation mo as the wife.

Siguro nauna kayo maging mag boyfriend bago mo nadeclare sa sarili mo na best friend mo na rin sya. Nakakalungkot lang that all along, iba pala pagkatao niya.

Nope sometimes kasi circumstances can change people. Minsan nakatikim ng promotion/ higher salary or babae na nag approach pa sa kanya, puede silang magbago.

Kung mahal mo talaga sya sis, wag ka mag give up kagad. Afterall, kakastart pa lang ng marriage nyo. Baka pwede pa pag usapan. I believe pinakasalan ka nya dahil mahal ka nya kaya dapat he'll be willing to work it out with you.

On the contrary, if you really love him, you will set him free and allow him to be himself at walang umaaway, pumipigil.

Sometimes men mature much much later. Sa asta nya ngayon, mukhang di pa sya mature nung kinasal sila.

[acdc]

Unfortunately, we are on the same boat sis. Parehong-pareho ang husbands natin, napapailing ako while reading your post kasi parang twins sila. Anyway, the only difference I see is that my husband seems remorseful and willing to change his ways. Of course that is after I left him in our home and threatened to file an annulment. Gumuho mundo niya and begged me to come back. Nag-usap kami ng masinsinan and we both agreed to work on our marriage. Even after that though I would still catch him lying (The type of lies na he say just to appease me or prevent arguments).. And he told me na nahihirapan siya to be open and honest with me because of how I might react. So yun, we have to work on our communication.

Same with you sis, maybe your husband confides in other people because you are unavailable to him? Or kahit available, baka hindi maganda yung reception mo?

Talk to your husband. Confront him about those messages you've read and ask if he thinks that is how a married man should behave. Kung hindi padin madaan sa usap at tuloy padin siya sa kalokohan niya, kailangan ng drastic measures, iwan mo. Hopefully matauhan siya and that will pave the way sa pagbabago at growth ng marriage niyo. But be ready also kung ang outcome ay agree siya sa hiwalayan. Sadly, immature pa ang husbands natin, they weren't ready for marriage kahit akala nila ready sila. I suggest mag-attend kayo ng mga marriage seminar, counseling, or read mga self-help books.

[j.adore]

Yun nga recommendation usually - drastic measures.

acdc, paano nasolusyunan yung pagiging green sa iba?

[yhen88]

TS, Alam kong napakahirap ng situation mo ngayon. Pero need mo talaga ulit kausapin husband mo, kahit inis na inis at asar na asar ka na sa kanya. Kahit ako asar na asar sa husband mo sis. Try mo iwork-out muna bago ka magdecide. Baguhin mo yung sarili mo sis, try mo lahat. Pag ganun pa rin siya, dun ka na gumawa ng way out mo.

Tama ka, mahirap makisama sa isang bahay, na akala mo kilala mo na asawa mo, tapos ganyan pala. Hindi mo nga daw talaga makikilala isang tao, hangga't hindi mo nakakasama sa iisang bubong.

Praying for you sis, God bless.

[acdc]

Sis j.adore, I wouldn't say na solved na yung problem sa pagiging green sa iba kasi hindi ko naman siya bantay 24/7 and wala akong assurance na hindi na nga siya ganun. Pero we've talked about boundaries and how he should conduct himself towards the opposite sex especially now that he's married. Kailangan may distance. Hindi lang physically, pati sa pananalita. Also, I've asked him to stay away from "friends" who instigate green conversations or acts. Bottom line I think kailangan nila ma-achieve ang certain level of maturity para matanggal nila yan sa katawan nila.