When is the time to cut family ties? Valid reasons?

[keylimepie]

It's been 3 years since i cut all contact with my mother and sisters. It's one of the hardest decisions I've made but one I do not and will not ever regret. It took a long time for me to make the decision, siguro dahil ang pakiramdam ko ang sama kong tao if I would cut my ties.  Sobrang toxic talaga ng relationship namin, there is no point of having a relationship with them.  Backstabbing, lies, name calling, tsismis, you name it, I've been through it.

There came a time na I loathed hearing from them. Na nga ngarag ako kapag nakikita kong may tumatawag from Pinas. I was on the brink of depression, naapektuhan ang sarili kong family because of them. Pero na realize ko na sharing the same DNA doesnt't give anyone the right to treat me the way I was being treatEd. How can I teach my children to stand up for themselves and not let anybody abuse them if I couldn't do it myself. Why should I live my life in sadness, accept abuse, and surround myself with toxic people?  Dun ko na na affirm sa sarili ko na I should take charge of my life and cut unhealthy relationships, even if it means that I might lose contact with extended family, lose friends and hear monickers like walang kwentang at walang modong anak/ kapatid, or makasarili.

I told my mother and sisters that I never want them to contact me again and do not want anything to do with them. I also told them not to contact my children.

 Mahirap nung una, kasi siyempre pakramdam ko noon nag iisa ako sa mundo. Minsan gusto kong i- take back yung "no contact" status ko. Pero na realise ko na I have a family of my own who love me and true friends who really care for me. I am not really alone and I will never be alone. Ngayon after three years, I am at peace with myself. I've also become more confident and do not care of what others think of me. Mas magaan ang pakiramdam ko, I'm not bitter anymore. Masarap pala ang buhay na walang mga toxic na tao sa paligid mo. It's not all roses though, may times pa rin na nalulungkot ako, lalo na kapag Christmas or kapag naalala ko yung mga memories ko from my childhood. Pero it is what it is.

Naiisip ko bang mag reconciliate sa family ko? Not at all. Tahimik na ang buhay ko. Malaya na ako from all the negativity, and sadness my toxic family brings upon me.

TS, do what is best for YOU. You only have one life to live. Why waste it around people who only bring you sadness and heartache, family or not.

[ayka]

sis @ayka, you were featured in Smart Parenting (about cheating husbands) which gave me the link to your profile. 

^I'm not aware that my topic was featured. Medyo na-surprise ako. Hope I inspired you. At that time, it was actually more of loving myself first, whether my husband decides to stay with me or not. I have prepared myself already for living alone. Nagkataon lang that my husband decided to change for the better. And I can honestly say that he did. Sobrang iba siya ngayon. And it really is different when you put God in the center of your marriage. 

Now, about my parents naman. I'm on my 30's. Sometimes when I look back at how my life has been, I couldn't help but feel sad - as if I have been "robbed" of a happy or even just normal childhood and teenage years. But looking at my life now, I have learned to focus on being thankful for what I have and everything I have achieved. I'm thankful that during those cruel years of my life, I didn't kill myself, do drugs, didn't plan on being a prostitute, and most importantly, I didn't lose my mind and myself. 

[~ anna ~]

^ Not trying to be combative pero hate na hate ko yang expression na "parents mo pa rin sila"

IMO the right to the title "parents" is earned. For me hindi enough na basta mag-anak para matawag na "magulang."

And hindi porke "magulang" sila at "anak" ka lang, kailangan mo silang patawarin kahit anong ginawa nila sayo just because you're unfortunate enough to be their children. I will advise TS to forgive eventually, but not because they're her parents, but for her own peace of mind.

I sound very coldhearted I know. Pero firm ako sa paniniwala ko na yan.

Agree!  Just because nagka-anak ka does not mean na you deserve to be called a parent.  Ang daming tao diyan na gawa lang ng gawa ng bata pero pinapabayaan lang yung mga anak nila.    To be a real parent is to love the child and do what's best for him/her—yun ang mga taong deserving sa honor of being a parent.

^^ Well said. Isa talaga iyan sa ayaw ko na ugaling Pinoy. Iyong mentality na kahit nasa tama iyong anak, anak LANG siya at dapat patawarin niya at respetuhin magulang niya kahit ano pa naging kasalanan sa kanya. Kahit kriminal o abusado na ang magulang, patawarin mo pa rin dahil magulang mo pa iyan. Sana itong ugaling ito mawala na sa culture natin. Kaya madaming nagrerebeldeng anak dahil sa ganyang pag-iisip.

Agree ako na ok lang magpatwad para sa peace of mind ng anak na na-agrabyado pero ibang usapan na pag nirerequire pa rin ang anak na magpakita ng malasakit sa isang magulang na wala naman pakialam sa kanya. Pag ganyan na ang situation, dapat dumistansya na lang ang anak.

Hate na hate ko din yang mentality na yan, and I really hate the phrase “anak ka lang”.  Napaka-BS e, yung thinking na “anak ka lang” and “kahit anong gawin mo magulang mo pa rin kami/sila”.      This kind of thinking not only causes kids to rebel, it also perpetuates abusive behavior from parents/elders.  Just because someone is older or someone is a parent does not excuse their crappy behavior, it does not justify the abuse, EVER.

Like sis grrrlscout and young_maiden said, if magpapatawad ang anak e it should be for their own peace of mind.  Forgiveness should be freely given and not forced from someone.  You are not required to forgive someone who wronged you just because “magulang mo pa rin sila”.  Being a parent does not earn someone the right to be forgiven, especially after they’ve abused you.  In fact, that’s exactly what makes them more unforgiveable, because as parents they’re the ones who are supposed to love and protect you, tapos ang nangyari e sila pa yung umaabuso sayo.


Sis ayka, bilib ako sayo.  Ang bigat ng pinagdadaanan mo and you’ve been dealing with that for so long.  I admire your courage in sharing your story and your perseverance to pull through all those challenges.  Kahit ang daming paghihirap na dinadaanan mo, you’re still trying to be a good person and live a better life.  Hindi lahat ng tao kaya ang ginagawa mo.  I don’t know if okay yung sister mo, if tama ang pakikitungo niya sayo.  If she is, then you two hold on to each other, magtulungan kayo.  But if she’s like the rest of your family, stay away from her na.

Sis, cut ties with your family na, it’s not good for you e, they’re not treating you right.  Long overdue na, dapat dati ka pa humiwalay.  They’ve had plenty of time to change and make amends pero they’ve shown repeatedly na di sila magbabago.  You might be tempted to stay in that abusive situation because you might be thinking na if you hold on for just a little bit more e your family might change and they will love you back.  I understand how tempting that fantasy can be, but you cannot keep fooling yourself and you have to accept the fact that they don’t, no matter how painful it is.  You’re just prolonging the agony the longer you stay there.

Be kind to yourself and do what is best for you, remove the hurtful people from your life and free yourself from the unnecessary burden of dealing with them and their abuse.  You are not required to support them financially or emotionally.  Hindi mo utang na loob sa kanila na pinanganak ka, and hindi mo din utang na loob sa mom mo na nag-tiis siya in staying with your dad.  Choice nila yun, sila ang nagdecide and you do not shoulder any responsibility nor blame for their decisions.

I hope you’ll find the strength to walk away and free yourself sis.  You deserve a beautiful, happy life.