hi guys,
share ko lang this blog i posted back in 2010 when i was losing hope to ever become a mom. now i'm 4 months pregnant. it's not the most ideal circumstance, but it's definitely the most beautiful thing ever to have touched my life. :-)
june 24, 2010
5:10pm
to my dearest child,
i often wonder what you would be like. would you get my childish enthusiasm for everything juvenile, or would you get your daddy’s penchant for everything concerning comic books and video games. will you inherit his charm and his temper or would you adopt my fragility and uncharacteristic bipolar moods. would you be like me, who labors for meaning and life and love, or like your father whose only joy is to give much of himself to others. what a riot would that be in the house, it’s either you camp with your dad or you side with me, either way there will never be a middle ground because me and dad are two highs, opposing one another all the time. maybe you being in our lives will create the much needed balance, or majority, so that we could finally discard my scrapbook collection with his playstation, or replace the neverending regular tv nights with once in a while gazing at the stars, or to finally put an end to the emotional struggle we’ve been having simply because we are two different people who have been joined by love.
it is quite extraordinary to know that such a simple thought of you gives so much light in my dark days. it’s as if you would be the answer to all my longings. that you would be the epitome of what happiness is, what fulfillment is, what love is… and yet there is fear. how could i ever evolve from a woman to a mother, when i have not yet learned to sever ties with my own. i have been a child for too long that i never get to learn to grow up. the peter pan syndrome might be true for me after all. nevertheless, there is something inside of me that yearns deeply for your love. the feel of you, the thought of you… that tiny speck of miracle that is all mine. how long have i waited for my life to be transformed into yours.
such is my dream… to look in your eyes and see heaven on earth. to tell you stories of how mommie braved the harshness of this world. to have you read my life as it unfolds with its bitterness and its joys, its sadness and its bliss, its disappointments and its fulfillments. to cradle you in my arms in my attempt to shield you from the madness that is all around. to sing you songs of how blessed i am to have to wake up each morning and bask in the sight of you. to let you feel the wonder of love in its truest form… without doubt, without apprehension, without the need to do nor say anything in return.
but alas, these are all far from me now. a dream lost in the viciousness of cruelty and unfairness. my fate has been sealed long before i yearned to have you. the joy of your laughter has been deprived from me. the wonder of your glowing eyes has been withheld for reasons that will forever be painful, forever be like dagger inching its way to my very core. and i will forever be broken… always attempting to find meaning in your absence.
i may never have to hold you in my arms, but in another life perhaps, i will find you… and true love for me may then come true.
-mommie
