Friends and Relationship: Hanggang saan ang boundary?

[ChickenHeart]

Hello, it's my first time to join in an online forum, so please excuse my noobness...
I just can't seem to find a satisfying answer and would like to ask your opinion about this.


I'm a conservative, traditional type. My BF of almost 3 years knows it, and he is also strict with me (e.g. he doesn't want me to give my phone number to just anyone, he doesn't want me to wear shorts, doesn't want me to stay outside late at night, etc.) which I interpret as something that a decent guy would normally want from a girl for security in our relationship. I respect what he would like me to do, and I gladly obliged if it meant he'll feel more secure and at peace. He's not very thoughtful, like he's not into making a special greetings for me or buying flowers/gifts, but I didn't mind at all, as long as we are good and happy together. He also doesn't like PDA, and doesn't appreciate me even holding on to his arm while we're walking kasi hindi daw sya sanay even with his own mother holding his arm (I think it's also partially because I'm taller than him though).

He is working overseas right now. Most of his workmates are female, and ever since pagpunta nya dun I'm constantly having trouble with my BF because of the way he interact with his friends. I feel like he is being too touchy-feely and seeking attention from his female friends, a complete opposite of how I've known him. It came to light after I discovered another Facebook account that he made before leaving Phil, aside from the one he openly share with me. I grew suspicious of his actions because he always finds some reason para magalit sa akin, halos nawawalan na ng time na tumawag or mag text, kung ano2ng binibintang na baka may iba akong lalake, and hindi ako papansinin ng ilang araw no matter how much I try to contact him.

In his account, he was acting like a typical playboy of the group.
Like referring to his female colleagues as "Mahal", ginawa nilang tawagan.
Casually blurting out a joke on Facebook linking himself with another girl "Bagay ba kami?".
Asking his female colleague to introduce him to some other girls in the picture.
Searching and liking particular girl's picture and leaving commentary on how beautiful and sexy the are / have become.
Inviting the girls over to their apartment (where he board with another married guy, na previously sabi nya bawal daw ang mga babae doon) and cooking them meals.
Taking extra effort to remember their birthdays and even go so far as make a dedication video of their pictures when they went out together.
Letting his girl friends touch, cuddle, hold his arm, and umaakbay din sya, leaning on their shoulder, resting his arm on a girls' lap, taking pictures na halos magkadikitan na mukha nila, etc...
He was totally acting like a single guy ready to mingle with other girls.

It pains me to realize these things that he's doing behind my back, I feel betrayed. Sobrang nagselos ako.
It felt like his new friends meant a lot more to him than what we have shared when we were together.
I called him out on this, he said he's sorry but he always says na "kaibigan ko lang naman sila", "wala naman kaming relasyon", "hindi naman kita ipagapapalit", "wala namaan kaming ginagawang masama", etc. Sabi hindi na nya gagawin, iiwas na daw sya.

There is also one girl who seemed especially being clingy and touchy with him, always being beside him and always hanging around him everywhere they go. I decided to tell her straight that I don't appreciate what she's doing and to ask her to take a step back bilang respeto sa relasyon namin, thinking she'll understand kasi may BF din naman sya dito sa Pinas. She told me na naiintindihan nya ang nararamdaman ko.

Kaso nagpatuloy pa rinang ginagawa nila. They just hid it well from me, avoiding each other when taking pictures, but I found out one way or another through other posts in their friends' account that they're just pretending to avoid each other, pero ganun pa rin ang ginagawa nila.

Again, nagalit ako sa BF ko because I was expecting him to keep his promise.
This time he got angry at me dahil binibigyan ko ng malisya ang pagkakaibigan nila. Pamilya daw kasi ang turingan nila doon bilang kapwa OFW. True enough, I don't have anything to prove that he's having romantic affairs. But I'm clearly not comfortable with what is going on.

I also called out to the girl, dahil akala ko nagkaintindihan kami the first time I spoke with her, but she retaliates saying things like "wala akong kailangan ipaliwanag sayo", "hindi ko inaagaw ang BF mo, gusto mo itali mo na sya sa katawan mo", "hindi ko ipagpapalit ang BF ko sa BF mo", "you don't trust your BF", "he doesn't deserve this", "maganda ka ba? insecure ka lang", etc.

Nagpatuloy ang away-bati, away-bati, until recently I thought we're finally okay and I see that he's making effort to earn back my trust, but turns out it was just a false hope, that I discovered na meron nanaman pala syang secret account na ginawa and he's been using it for quite a while already.
I just don't know where this is going anymore, naubos ko na lahat ng pagpapasensya and pagbigay ng chance but it seems they'll just gonna continue with what they want to do behind my back. It seems that he doesn't want to break-up with me though, saying he's truly sorry and even trying to contact me through his mother when I ignored his calls, babawi na daw sya, hindi na daw nya uulitin, gusto nyang magpakasal kami pag-uwi nya, papatunayan nya na seryoso sya sa akin, kung gusto ko daw magppropose na sya kahit through Skype, etc. But I already heard his promises several times now, and it's just sickening to hear it again pagkatapos ng lahat ng pagsisikreto, pagsisinungaling at panloloko nya sa akin, as if a promise of marriage will solve everything.

Sorry for making it so long, apologies if it's too hassle to read.
But I hope you can share your view on the following question given my situation:

1. Hanggang saan ba dapat ang limitation ng friend, specifically someone of opposite gender? If you are the friend, will you try to have close physical contact (excluding sexual) with your friend even if you are aware that he/she already has a GF/BF? Why? Why not?

2. If your partner is being touchy with the opposite gender, would you tolerate it? Why? Why not?

3. Did I went too far sa pakikialam ko sa samahan nila? Was it wrong for me try to put a halt in their friendship?

4. For those who have a touchy-feely friends, how do you feel about it? Do you interpret is as a flirtatious act?

5. Do you think that actual flirting often gets away in the pretense of being just malambing/friendly?


It's been really hard to be lied on and betrayed by the person I loved and cared more than anyone else.
Sana po matulungan nyo ako magkaroon ng clarity sa sitwasyon ko ngayun.

[j.adore]

I think you already know -- your BF is bad news. Unless he makes a grand sacrifice to show you he can be trusted and stays that way, leave while you can!

Red flags everywhere like accusing you of having other men yun pala siya may ginagawa behind your back, sudden disappearance, change in attitude, conflicting statements versus actions, doing the same things over and over again, being angry with you etc etc
I've read a lot of cheating articles online andun lahat ng scenarios mo.

Sorry but I think something's up with that girl. Una parang friend nga but didn't change and talks to you like the other woman. Friends want the best for each other and she will leave him alone kung talaga wala sila.

You can't prove something is happening between them but they can't prove that nothing's happening either.

You don't need proof though. The signs are there. If your BF treasures you, he wouldn't do these things.
And please lang, don't marry him this way parang napilitan pa siya mag propose!

[mooncake and leaves]

The way I see it, it's not just the boundaries between your bf and his friends that you need to check. Actually, that's not even the point when you're deciding whether or not to stay with someone. It's YOUR boundaries- what you tolerate, what you can forgive, how you want to be treated in a relationship, that you need to focus on.

Right now, there's already a repeated violation of your trust. You can't dictate to anyone but if you have already expressed your concerns about these friendships and your bf continues to disregard your feelings-- it's time to move on. Your relationship seems to be a one-way street. His rules, his point of view, his thoughts (you even let him dictate to you how you should dress and behave in public). If you're not being valued enough and all you do is worry or stress, it's time to let go.

 

[momentum]

I agree with mooncake and j.adore.
Don't waste your time anymore on that douche. Ilang beses ka na niyang niloko, making accounts and doing all those flirting behind your back. lahat red flags na talaga. tapos may gana pa siyang maging strikto sayo about how you deal with others and how you dress up? pero siya all-out talaga? haha ang kapal!

as if marriage will solve this problem. macacarry-over lang yan sa married life ninyo. and it will be hell.
I'm sure you can find another guy better than him. LDR pa kayo so all the more he can do whatever he wants. I would also suggest to let him go, pakawalan mo na siya since hindi naman niya talaga kayang magbago. all his sorrys and broken promises, lamunin nalang nya. pinapaikot ka lang. get out now!

[TomHansen]

1. Hanggang saan ba dapat ang limitation ng friend, specifically someone of opposite gender? If you are the friend, will you try to have close physical contact (excluding sexual) with your friend even if you are aware that he/she already has a GF/BF? Why? Why not?

Actually dapat ito common sense na sa bf mo, you really do not have to remind him what not to do.. Kung ano ang ayaw niyang gawin sa iyo ng ibang lalaki wag niya ring gagawin sa iba. Physical contact is a big NO NO especially if both of them are in a relationship at mas nakakatakot dahil nasa ibang bansa sila. Picture pa lang yan papaano pa yung mga walang kuha?

2. If your partner is being touchy with the opposite gender, would you tolerate it? Why? Why not?

Nope, sobrang nakakaselos - just recently I saw 2 pics of my gf(now ex) with an officemate nakaakbay sa kanya while nasa company tour sila, naisip ko na lang "Ano to gag*han?". For me hindi talaga pwede yung ganun, ako lang dapat ang hahawak sa kanya wala nang iba..(grrr naalala ko na naman)

3. Did I went too far sa pakikialam ko sa samahan nila? Was it wrong for me try to put a halt in their friendship?

No sis tama lang ang ginawa mo, ang dami na niyang red card sayo kulang pa nga yang ginawa mo. Secret fb account pa lang giyera na dapat dahil super big deal yun sa panahon ngayon. It's like having a secret phone pero pang chicks lang.

4. For those who have a touchy-feely friends, how do you feel about it? Do you interpret is as a flirtatious act?

Depende sis pero regardless kung nagfflirt nga yung tao kung in a relationship ka na dapat iwas na sa ganun at kung pwede pagsabihan na yung girl. Hinahayaan kasi ni bf mo kasi gusto niya rin. Problem sa karamihan ng mga nasa ibang bansa feeling nila single sila pagtapak dun..


Let go ChikenHeart, hindi na magbabago yang bf mong ogag...

[momentum]

^sana lahat ng lalake ganyan katulad mo magisip TomHansen

[TomHansen]

^ kung gusto nilang maging forever alone gayahin nila ako..

[momentum]

^ lol sobra ka naman haha just bcoz nag break kyo doesnt mean wala ka na mahahanap na iba and forever alone ka na

Para di OT--> iwanan mo na yan TS. He's up for no good. Paulit ulit lang magiging issue yan kasi it's in his character na.

[Girltalker2]

TS, your current relationship with BF is not healthy. There's no trust at mahirap naman talaga pagkatiwalaan ang sinungaling.

IMO, there's no point to continue this relationship. You deserve someone better. Let him go. kung ako ikaw, I will just break it off.
Pero kung mahal ko talaga sya, I will break it off but allow him to prove himself again. Meaning, single sya at single ako, ligawan nyako ulit and prove to me he is worthy. For the meantime, I will also start mingling coz I assume it would be hard to move on kung sya lang lagi nakakausap ko.

But this is just me. You're free to decide what you think is best for you.

[jan888]

agree, agree, agree with all the sisses.. leave him ASAP and start anew..

[three8one]

Sorry for making it so long, apologies if it's too hassle to read.
But I hope you can share your view on the following question given my situation:

1. Hanggang saan ba dapat ang limitation ng friend, specifically someone of opposite gender? If you are the friend, will you try to have close physical contact (excluding sexual) with your friend even if you are aware that he/she already has a GF/BF? Why? Why not?

- kung hanggang saan ang inaallowed then that is the limitations. wala sa friend ang problema, ang may control nito like sa case mo ay si BF. why? kasi as simple as he is allowing his friends na umabot sa ganun klaseng openess kaya ganun ang kinikilos nila.. mga lalake madalas nag titake advantage yan, eh kung ang galawan ng mga friends ng bf mo is talagang kaibigan lang walang halong malisya mapipigilan mo ba yun? so dapat lang talaga ang control na kay BF mo.

2. If your partner is being touchy with the opposite gender, would you tolerate it? Why? Why not?

- ikaw ba pinayagan mo?.. kung sa akin, hindi siyempre. unang una bukod na mamimis interpret ko yun eh  baka mamis interpret din ng iba magkaron pa ng kulay. knowing na he is committed to you, bilang respeto dapat unang una nyang ikinuconsider eh yung mararamdaman mo kung sakaling malaman mo yung mga bagay na pinag gagawa nya.

3. Did I went too far sa pakikialam ko sa samahan nila? Was it wrong for me try to put a halt in their friendship?

- nope, naging honest ka lang sa nararamdaman mo at pinoprotekhan mo lang yung bagay na sayo. ang mali mo lang is, dapat hindi mo na ininvolve si girl kasi in the first place BF mo talaga ang may problema. despite of pagiging vocal mo na hindi ka komportable sa galawan nila, he should be sensitive enough.

4. For those who have a touchy-feely friends, how do you feel about it? Do you interpret is as a flirtatious act?

- wala akong friend na ganun eh. kung meron man i'll be very honest to you, ma eenjoy ko yun, impokrito yung magsasabing hindi nila na eenjoy yung nakukuha nilang perks sa mga kaibigan nilang touchy. but i wont consider it as a flirtatious act lalo pat kilala ko talaga yung friend ko na yun kasi alam ko sa kanila wala malisya yun.

5. Do you think that actual flirting often gets away in the pretense of being just malambing/friendly?

- walang malambing na kaibigan na aabot sa halos ipagdunggulan na nila yung maseselang parte ng katawan nila sa isang kaibigan lang...maybe i will take some consideration dun sa mga tipo ng babae/lalake na naghihiram lang ng kati sa kanila ang higad at gabi.

It's been really hard to be lied on and betrayed by the person I loved and cared more than anyone else.
Sana po matulungan nyo ako magkaroon ng clarity sa sitwasyon ko ngayun.

- yung ginagawa ng BF mo ngayon, yung pinagbabawalan ka ng kung ano ano etc etc. eh parang yung kasabihan na natatakot sya sa sarili nyang multo... gawain nya eh kaya natatakot sya na baka gawin mo din. tingin ko defense mechanism nya rin yung pagsusungit sayo, pagbabawal ng kung ano ano atbp para hindi mo sya paghinalaan.

next time sabihin mo sa BF mo try naman nyang gumawa ng mga bagay na challenging sa relasyon nyo. Cheating is very easy, subukan naman nya kamong maging faithful.

[purple.strawberry]

Sis there's so many red flags diyan sa ginagawa ng boyfriend mo. Yang pangflirt niya and pagdismiss sa nararamdaman mo that's enough cause to leave him.

Gawain ng guys yan magbintang if may ginagawa silang kalokohan. Secret fb account, tsk there's no acceptable reason for that, obviously gagamitin yan para makipaglandian.

Medyo makapal din yung friend ano to say things like that sa'yo, na kesyo insecure ka lang etc. If meron akong male friend na merong gf I'm happy for my friend and I treat the gf ng maayos, hindi ko kakausapin ng ganyan.

To answer your questions:

Sa'kin kasi okay lang na magkaroon ng female friends ang bf ko but we both know the boundaries naman. Hindi na yun kelangan iexplain. Pag may gf na hindi na pwedeng touchy-feely pa sa iba kasehodang best friend pa yan. I wouldn't ask my bf to end his friendship with another girl but rather ask him to keep a reasonable distance, unless I see na meron ng malisya dun sa samahan nila or tipong the girl likes him and subtly or overtly lumalandi na.

I had only one friend na touchy. Tipong nakikipagholding hands and nangingiliti etc. I thought walang malisya yun even though the guy has a gf kasi ang sabi ng common friend namin ganun lang daw talaga and loyal daw yun but apparently meron din meaning, lumalandi lang pala si kuya and then pag nakakita ng pagkakataon e itutuloy na.


Yang ginagawa sa'yo, parang di ba inuuto-uto ka na lang in your face? Don't rely on his promises, instead observe his actions kasi that's what counts e. Effort na ba yung he tries to contact you through his mother? Ang totoong effort e yung he recognizes yung mistakes niya and he keeps his distance, tells you the truth, treats you PROPERLY.

Advice ko sis iwan mo na yang bf mo. Magiging cycle lang yang ginagawa niya and honestly magmumukha ka lang t*nga.

[Girltalker2]

Being aware of your surroundings is important in terms of maintaining a good relationship with your partner.  Dapat consciously aware ka, kung medyo sobrang close na ang isang tao sayo such that it makes your partner uncomfy na. Ganun din dapat ang spouse/BF mo. If your BF is oblivious to his surroundings and could not care less kung anong nararamdaman mo, then I would not call that a good relationship.

Better leave and kung mahal ka pa nya, he will have to consider your feelings.  Kung hindi, good riddance. Hanap ka nalang ng BF na mas sensitive sa feelings mo.

[simang]

1. Hanggang saan ba dapat ang limitation ng friend, specifically someone of opposite gender? If you are the friend, will you try to have close physical contact (excluding sexual) with your friend even if you are aware that he/she already has a GF/BF? Why? Why not?

You don't ask for the limit, you tell them what is. As long as you believe na they're just being friends, then they will let you believe so. I can be touchy sometimes with my guy friends, meaning I can hug them, or beso, pero I've never held hands with them. That's just me.

2. If your partner is being touchy with the opposite gender, would you tolerate it? Why? Why not?

My partner is very friendly to everyone, so if she's extra friendly with someone of the opposite gender, I wouldn't really mind kase that's how he is with everyone. But I've never seen him be touchy with a girl the way he is with me.

3. Did I went too far sa pakikialam ko sa samahan nila? Was it wrong for me try to put a halt in their friendship?

I think the better way to handle it was just to deal with it with your partner, sana hinayaan mo na lang si girl. People can be passive aggressive like that, na at the end of the day, they can make you feel like you're out of line and ikaw ang praning all the time. But people who genuinely cares for you will never make you feel that. Based on your story, you didn't act that way for nothing. There were signs and you had to act on them.

4. For those who have a touchy-feely friends, how do you feel about it? Do you interpret is as a flirtatious act?

My friends who I've known for the longest time (I'm talking about 10, 15, 20 yrs) are mostly very affectionate but I never saw it as flirting. Maybe kasi we almost grew up together and we're very close. Lagi ko ngang sinasabi, a touch is meaningless unless the one being touched gives it meaning.

[solepurplelife]

He can deny all he want but the fact that he made secret accounts TWICE means he's up to something bad. Why does he have to to keep it from you? What is it that's he's hiding para gumawa pa siya ng ibang accounts? With your questions, I think you're just validating your actions but you already know the answers, sister.