Please Advice

[ri-anne]

It's worth holding on to sana if the guy is making effort to change, or help with the bills, or show her simple loving gestures (flowers,etc), helping with the housechores, or whatever it is that will make her happy..
Kaya lang, as she said, kahit mababaw na reason and they argue, laging sinasabi ng guy na maghiwalay na lang sila.

Maybe ts you can try talking to him again.

Re:money- Is he transparent with his payslips, expenses, bills? He should be. Then, show him the bills you're paying, make computations. Require him to pay and give you a specific amount of money per month. Pwede na ba half his paycheck?

Re:chores- gawa ka ng sched ng household chores na feasible for both of you. Then follow it through. Pag hindi nya ginawa if sched nya To wash the dishes, leave it don't do it for him. Pag ginawa nya, bigyan mo ng reward. Lol!

Re:sweetness- try mo maglambing to ask for whatever..start with small things...like  ask hin to massage your shoulders and back, make you a cup of coffee, buy you ice cream, whatever... Then next na chocolates or flowers, etc. Pag ginawa nya bigyan mo ulit reward. Lol!

Pero maganda may "deadline" or "ultimatum" para lang sa sarili mo na, if he still doesn't change you have to be realistic, or else spend More of your time with him like that...ang tanong hanggat kelan mo kaya yang ganyan.

[realshaddy]

Thank you iamprincessfiona

Alam nyo, diko pa din alam ang sagot if takot lang ba ako magisa or mahal ko ba sya. Diko pa naisip yan. Ang alam ko lang, mahal ko yung tao.

Minsan naman sweet din sya, may konting effort naman. Di ko lang din alam if ganun talaga ang mga lalake or what. Im still giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Sana nga maliwanagan ang isip ko. Sana magkaron ako ng lakas ng loob para magawa ko ang tama

[glamorosa_09]

@imprincessfiona

To clarify, this reply:

Iba kasi yung advice na binibigay sa mag-asawa o sa may anak na, compared to unmarried and without kids. Iba rin ang case nila.

is in reponse to TS saying naaawa sya sa ibang nakakaranas ng sitwasyon ng relationship nya. And I assume, she got it from this thread section.

I replied thay they're not yet married, because you said 'asawa,' and pag kakaintindi ko sa word na yan ay husband, kasal.

And to clarify again, I have nothing against living in couples ha.

So where else in my posts did I imply it's easy to let go and move on because they're not married and without kids.

Kung meron man that is something related to that, is siguro mas madali para sakin intindihin ang pagtitiis niya for nine years dahil kasal or may anak (if unmarried) sila. Dahil this is not the case, sabi nya, mahal lang talaga niya.

@soulsister

workable naman talaga ang relationship basta dalawa kayo. Paano naman magwowork kung ginagawa mo na lahat to be the best partner, pero walang effort sa kabila. Assuming na ginawa na ni TS lahat mg kaya nya.

[antithesisofbarbie]

Hi sisses!

Parang sa case mo TS - if ngayon palang di pa kayo married nag kakaproblema na sa finances and sharing sa gastos it would be better na umalis ka nalang din sa relationship ngayon palang. Usually yan din un madalas na pag awayan ng mag asawa di ba? pero since di pa kayo married at ganyan na sya what more if you're married na. With finances, naniniwala ako talaga na dapat lalaki pa nga un magdala sa babae and not the other way around. I'm not being close minded na dapat lalaki lang mag provide... Pero nasa pag uusap nyo naman yan.

Inisip ko din based sa post mo - nasanay siguro sya na ikaw sa lahat - from household chores to gastos. kaya di naman din ako magtaka bakit nafeel mo yan.. And I think he knows na di mo sya kaya iwananan kaya malakas ang loob nya na hamunin ka ng hiwalayan.

If i were you- clear your head and usap kayo ulit. ask him ano bang problema nya sa buhay nya and bakit ganyan sya... or may plano ba kayo magsettle down? magpakasal? at bumuo ng family talaga? From there makikita mo naman kung ano talaga un plans nya in life.. or if kasali ka don..

You just need to prepare yourself sa mga sagot nya.

[glamorosa_09]

Alam nyo, diko pa din alam ang sagot if takot lang ba ako magisa or mahal ko ba sya. Diko pa naisip yan. Ang alam ko lang, mahal ko yung tao.

Sana nga maliwanagan ang isip ko. Sana magkaron ako ng lakas ng loob para magawa ko ang tama

Yes, nine years na magkasama kayo, it's pretty long. And I bet it's hard to imagine the future without him, life without him, dahil nasanay ka nang nandyan sya. It maybe even scary to think about it.

But yes, it's something for you to really think about. And sabi mo malakas ka sa Kanya, I hope you would be granted with enlightenment to think clearly, wisdom to decide, and the will to do it. Whatever it is, kung magstay ka man o you leave.

[realshaddy]

Sis antithesisofbarbie - thank you!

Sinabi na din yan ng sister nya saken, nasanay na daw kase si husband/partner ko na ako lahat. Malakas daw kas ang personality ko. Dapat daw kausapin ko. Pero sa akin kase, ayoko pag awayan ang finances. Kase i have naman what i need. Im learning to be thankful for everything na lang instead of complaining. Pero naisip ko kase, its really not about the money, sa akin yung thought sana na may effort sya.

In fairness naman sa kanya, mabait naman sya sa akin, pag nilalambing ko, ok naman sa kanya. Hindi lang sya marunong mag initiate ng lambing or yung pag iloveyou, dapat ako mauna.

Transparent naman sya sa pera nya. Alam ko kung magkano kita nya at kung saan nakalagay. Yun lang, diko naman pinapakielaman. Ang pinaka ayaw ko kase magka problem kame dahil sa pera. Iniisip ko naman kaya ko naman.

Sana lang wag ako mag bulag bulagan. Minsan kase diba mas pinipili lang natin ang gusto natin makita. Im still praying for that

Thank you mga sis

[The Greatest Is LOVE]

wag kang bibitiw...mahirap mag-isa. mahirap makamove-on...
tiisin mo pa. kaya mo yan...magiging okay din kayo.
iwasan ang pride...pag galit ang isa, isa dapat umintidi lang muna...

[realshaddy]

The greatest is love -- thank you very much

[The Greatest Is LOVE]

knowat? yan ang dahilan kung bakit din ako iniwan ng wife ko recently.
3 years pa lang kami na kasal and all those things na hinahanap mo, hindi ko na nagagawa.
hinahanap-hanap nya yan pero hindi ko pinapansin. i neglected her. now im suffering..

kaya hanggang kaya mo, wag mo sana sya iiwanan, tell him everything.
wag ka mapagod sabihan sya ng mga bagay na namimiss mo...

[The Greatest Is LOVE]

tatandaan mo lagi 'tong verses na 'to. sa lahat ng mag-asawa kung talagang mahal nyo sila...

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

[realshaddy]

Bro the greatest is love -- may i know why? I mean sinasabi na nya sayo yon, pero bakit hindi mo ginagawa? I just want to fully understand it. Alam nyo naman kung ano gusto ng wife nyo, pero di nyo magawa para sa kanila?

Sinabi ko na din kase yan sa kanya dati, pero ewan ko, sinasabi lang nya na manhid ako.

[brendzy]

Although hindi 100% parehas situation natin before sis, dumaan din ako dyan, ang malala lang nuong nagdaan ako sa ganyan, I was jobless! like no choice but to depend on him. We are married for 4 years now, but on the start of our marriage, I was also longing for intimacy, pero wala din. I sought counselling from our church elders, or older friends din. unang una ko ginawa was to drop my pride, I took the initiative na mag usap kami. I poured out what I felt, parang that time I felt it was a make or break! I also prayed unceasingly during those times.
I believe if you really want marriage to work, then you need to work it out, starting to yourself. Then communication is also a vital tool.  I will pray for you sis. 

[The Greatest Is LOVE]

ako at the time, kala ko may habang-buhay pa ako na magagawa yun sa kanya kaya sabi ko sa sarili ko, next time na lang ko gagawin, marami pang panahon. pero damn! 3 years pa lang kami, bumigay na sya...
so, yun habang-buhay na nasa isip ko, naputol agad...sayang! kung sana naging sensitive lang ako...wala sana ako dito sa FN...

don't give up, that's my advice...have patience...si ex-wife ko kasi wala nun e..

Bro the greatest is love -- may i know why? I mean sinasabi na nya sayo yon, pero bakit hindi mo ginagawa? I just want to fully understand it. Alam nyo naman kung ano gusto ng wife nyo, pero di nyo magawa para sa kanila?

Sinabi ko na din kase yan sa kanya dati, pero ewan ko, sinasabi lang nya na manhid ako.

[The Greatest Is LOVE]

nice advice. listen to this sis...

Although hindi 100% parehas situation natin before sis, dumaan din ako dyan, ang malala lang nuong nagdaan ako sa ganyan, I was jobless! like no choice but to depend on him. We are married for 4 years now, but on the start of our marriage, I was also longing for intimacy, pero wala din. I sought counselling from our church elders, or older friends din. unang una ko ginawa was to drop my pride, I took the initiative na mag usap kami. I poured out what I felt, parang that time I felt it was a make or break! I also prayed unceasingly during those times.
I believe if you really want marriage to work, then you need to work it out, starting to yourself. Then communication is also a vital tool.  I will pray for you sis. 

[realshaddy]

Thank you sis brendzy

And eto pa pala feeling ko lagi akong last priority. Ewan ko ba. Minsan iniisip ko baka mali ako ng iniisip, baka mahal naman nya ko talaga, baka ako lang tong paranoid, pero baka ako lang din tong bulag talaga.
Pero parang nakatatak na kase sa isip ko na andyan lang sya for convinience, kase wala naman sya mapupuntuhan kapag naghiwalay kame e. Siguro baka mali ko din kase yun na yung nakatatak sa isip ko. Wala na sya chance

Ang hirap lang ng ganitong situation. Physically and emotionally draining sya for me.

[aquacharly]

Oh my.  Marriage is a commitment to share a life.
Excuse me, but it seems like you have a non-paying boarder.  No share sa expenses, no share sa chores.

IF hindi mo alam kung saan ang pera nya, at magkano -- at kahit Legal Wife ka eh hindi ka AND/OR sa bank accounts nya --   Oooopz!  Bad news yan.

What's wrong with being mukhang pera? Eh hindi ba yan ang most common language? 
Don't we express our priorities, our care & love towards someone, respect for parents, love for children and concern for their future -- in pera terms? 
In my way of appreciating pera & it's power and reach --  well, I can understand why you feel lonely, uncared for &/or unloved.

BUT you say hindi mo makita na kahit ganon feeling mo na he is dis-connected from you -- hindi mo sya maiwanan kasi mahal mo sya.  There you go, Girl...  The all-excusable reason that is limited only by a woman's capacities to hope, suffer and wait.  No judgment. Actually, nobody has the right to judge you como ikaw Lang makakapag define what makes you happy.

So where are we? Why do I get the feeling that you have "closed the doors" on how you can get him to share his finances and time with you? Sabi mo nag salita ka na once, ayaw mo na uulitin.  Ayaw mo na kausapin? Ano, Sis, hold-up or kidnap na lang?

Kidding aside, with the household chores -- hwag ka quiet or Super Woman
Show him you need help. Or ask for help.  When he does chores -- hwag mo pakita inip ka kasi you are more efficient. 
As for money -- como big time earner na -- get him interested in buying real estate (better if earning assets -- makita/control mo cash inflows later on) or stock investments.   Or a business.  Get him to spend. 

So okay, things may improve or stay the same though you are greatly discontented.
If you are resigned to what your marriage is like now --  well, what are you doing to protect your interest?  Be sure you have your own savings in a secret account.

You ask if he loves you?  Why not? Maybe he is the type who loves/prefers someone who is self-sufficient and makes no demands, like you. 
But you will know if he does love you when you're "down" --  but don't wish for that:  pag ikaw zero income/jobless and financially dependent on him, or pag you get seriously sick. 

[quinone]

sa opinion ko lang naman...our partner/husband should complement us. all of us wants to be loved a certain way at dapat yung partner natin speaks that language para we feel fulfilled/happy.

minsan kasi we are who we are at kahit gaano natin i-try our very best to show the kind of love na gustong makita sa atin ng partner/husband natin e hindi natin maipakita because we are not that kind of person.

you know i asked my hubby about your problem, and he said kung sa loob daw ba ng 9 years na yun hindi ka in-offeran ng marriage? kasi daw if he loves you he will want to marry you.

[realshaddy]

Sis aquacharly, i was really hoping you would comment on this thread. I'd like to know whats your take on this. Thank you

I know naman everything about his money, yon lang diko talaga pinakealaman yon, i also have secret accounts. Segurista din ako.

Regarding marriage, reason din ba yon kaya sya ganyan? Kase ako ang may ayaw.. Sya gusto nya. I mean, were ok naman ng ganito. I dunno, diko gusto ang idea ng marriage. (Please dont judge me mga sisters ha). Meron yata talagang taong ganon. At sabi naman nya he respects my decision.

Sis quinone, thank you ha. Gusto ko din talaga malaman ang opinion ng guys sa situation ko.

[The Greatest Is LOVE]

COmmuNIcAtion lang sis!
tell him everything. tell him what you feel.
tell him waht you want. over and over again...

if he still don't listen, communicate again...
and again...and again...

[realshaddy]

If ayaw mo magpakasal eh choice mo un sis

naniniwala ako na minsan nafefeel natin di tayo love... pero ang totoo love naman tayo di lang sa paraan na gusto natin di ba? ang hirap lang talaga to know when to hold on and when to let go..

I agree sis. Thanks