Depressed and Confused..

[loveleah]

Hi Mga Sissies.. Pa share lang po I just need to get this out of my system and perhaps get a healthy dose of advice/opinions from you.

We've been together with my hubby for 5 yrs , during our first year together, our eldest son was a few months old then, he went to work abroad to provide for his new family daw. We had a lot of fights back then, mostly because I feel he has not been communicating with me, and though malayo ako, on Sundays, when its the only time he's free, sometimes, not even a text, then when I made kulit, he would  reply and said he went out with basketball buddies and was on drinking spree with them. My kid and I went there 3 times, just so he will not feel homesick, or I thought maybe the real reason was that para hindi namin siya masyadong ma miss. The first time we went there, he was hesitant to bring us out, lagi lagi lang kami nasa loob ng house and I would take my son out and roam the place without him. The second time, it was better, he introduced us to some of his friends and we were able to travel. The last time, he was not so excited anymore, I could sense parang tense siya and the last day we were together that time, instead of quality time, he invited his friends over to his place so we could have some inuman session, so when it was time to go, hinatid na niya kami, no sweet goodbyes.
That same year, he insisted he cut his contract and get back here sa Pinas, because merong misunderstanding sa boss niya. I helped him purchase his ticket. Then he came home the week after, I can still recall, he did not even kiss me or bothered to wake me up , he just placed his bag in the room, and went back to the sala where his cousin was waiting for him..
Then I became pregnant with my second baby, and he was back to his normal "binata" stage. Always out with friends, gambling, drinking, coming home at wee hours in the morning. Out even on Sundays for their cockfight galore. I never felt his support, he was always out and about. Then I found out that he had a affair while he was working abroad, on one of his FB messages that I figured . A girl who I remember he introduced me to as one of his friends, left him a message na " okay lang kami ng barako mo, dont worry we're fine..., then I felt something fishy, and checked on the girl's FB page, true enough meron siyang baby, parang 2months old pa lang , and base sa message niya na nov daw [textspeak!] nanganak, I cried so hard, and confronted my hubby, inamin naman niya,pinalayas ko siya sa bahay, but eventually came back, lagi kasing hinanahap ng baby namin..napatawad ko pero I still hated him. But he still went on with his old ways, hanggang nabuntis na naman ako, and on my 8th month, as he was always out with his friends and his usual trippings, kalokohan, gamblings, night outs, and I,working night shifts, buntis and with kids to take care of, nagkasakit yung bunso ko that time, I still feel guilty for not giving all my effort to him, I was feeling so tired and masyadong nahihirapan sa sitwasyon, he died and it was the worst day of my life. After a week, I gave birth , premature.

Now moving forward, sometimes I can feel my husband has changed. But has never matured. He is still on his gamblings, drinking sessions -home-by dawn , and still prioritizes friends over us. I have endured all those. But have developed this anger in me and a pain that nothing could heal. I have prayed so hard for understanding and for his change. Just this Saturday, he was invited to a friend's binyagan, and he went there, did not even bothered to ask if I want to go with him, he just kept texting that he may catch up with us later with the kids, but still he went home at dawn,.. many times when he is invited to a cousin's or his side of the family's affair, he would go without us, kasi for him, he was invited, and no mention to bring his family. Di ba dapat understood na yun. So when he goes out, parang nawalan na ako ng gana, when there are times he does ask me to go with him, I refuse, what for? I got tired. My heart has gone tired. I am thinking of getting a house for me and my sons soon and leave him for good. I am working and am saving for our future, and have  another house I rented out, but dont want to live there.

Now, I am pregnant again, but I plan this to be the last. Ang hirap eh.. But still I dont find him ever supportive.. I guess he will never change. And yes, I did pointed out to him what I want, what I hope he would do..

I used to be so sweet and so loving , but this has been drained out of me. He even has the guts to ask why I've changed.. Anniversaries, Christmasses, New Years .. those were the saddest 5 years of my life with him not even greeting me on special occassions. I did not know before marrying him that he would be this insensitive. ..

[aquacharly]

Give it your all, 1 last time -- while you are waiting for your baby to be born.
Try to talk to him, heart-to-heart. That he needs to modify his ways. Modify - that's the best you should expect, not change. He is what he is.   Appeal to his love for you and the kids. 

But before you try to sit him down to talk, it may be best you clarify your issues & take a long  hard look at yourself.  Manage your expectations, he is what he is -- a man you chose to fall in love with.  So don't give him a long list of changes to undertake.   
As for your side --  See, men find their worth in appreciation -- does he get that from you?  What do you think made him fall in love with you? Andon pa ba? Be honest.

It will also be a big help if you can get advice/guidance from a competent psychologist/counsellor as they know how to positively communicate.    . You want him to be receptive & open up -- to connect to you --  so, you may need to enhance your communication skills.  Nothing wrong with that. 

You may just be tired, and so, are overwhelmed with the negatives in your marriage.  But of course? -- You don't just get pregnant like a female dog. So, the repeat pregnancies means there is still enough love to bind you both.  If his philandering is already a thing of the past, you have a good fighting chance to get him on track. But the thing is nga, he is what he is.... So you can't expect him to change just because you think it is for the best. He has his own blueprint too of what a married man is.

But if you are truly tired of his immaturity & assess such as a big obstacle to your family's advance -- well,  you really must act on what is in your best interest. 

Think things over well. Exhaust all means to get him on the same page with you.  If you can't find happiness in your daily routines, I agree with you -- what's the point of keeping him in your life?  You deserve to be happy too.   

[maria helga]

I read your entire post and though I didn't know your husband personally, I think kailangan mo na ngang humiwalay sa kanya. You said na the past 5 years were the saddest years of your life. Stressed ka sa relationship nyo dahil sa behavior nya. Bad yung lagi kang stressed. See? You had a miscarriage. Kahit namatayan kayo ng anak patuloy pa rin yung behavior nya. Di pa rin natatauhan sa mga consequences ng actions nya sayo at sa family nyo. Don't walk away from him. Run away. As fast as you could. Magdedeteriorate health mo dyan if you stay with that kind of husband longer. Be like Sunshine Cruz. Read her story. Your husband is toxic and emotionally raping you. I want to hug you righy now. Alam ko mahirap kasi mahal mo sya pero he's toxic.

[loveleah]

^ Thank you Sis Aquacharly. I've always been a fan of your inputs.


Yes, I appreciate his effort when he does simple things as cooking us lunch sometimes, or looking after the kid when I asked him. I verbally thank him. But then he would see that as another ticket for him , excuse na makapag gimik coz he has done good that day. Never consistent.

You want him to be receptive & open up -- to connect to you --  so, you may need to enhance your communication skills -- I admit, sometimes, when I get too tired of his ways, I just draw back, and get too tired to communicate with him. Parang I just shut down and drown it all.


^Maria Helga -- Thank you Sis.. I have thought about running as far and as fast as I can. Just need to think things very well and as Sis Aquacharly said, maybe give it my all for the last time.. and then God help me

[Girltalker2]

TS, I'm just wondering why you keep on getting pregnant? Alam mo nang hindi stable ang pag uugali ng asawa mo. Buti nalang you said this will be the last time, sana tuparin mo na.

sakin ha, there are just some men (Marami Sila) that can never be a good husband/father simply because they choose to live the single life despite having family/kids na. My ex was not into too much vices like gambling when we were together but he has always worked and prioritized work/ travels (at siguro yung kabit din nya), inom socialize din then leaving no quality time for us. So ngayon nga pag nag uusap kami sinasabi nya dapat di nalang sya nag asawa kasi he was never there for us. Para pa que at mag asawa kami if we cannot rely on him. Kahit nga for my teen kids, mas prefer nila to be with me kasi alam nila once they stay with their father, they can't rely on him, on his empty promises, on his schedule. Sabi nga ng mil ko, my ex is not a bad person. He had good intentions. Pero para sakin - the problem is never nya nagawa ang dapat gawin ng asawa at ama kasi lagi syang may pinagkaka abalahan. So eventually I decided to file for an annulment kasi May kabit nanga sya Wala pa syang silbi. Yes he used to  contribute 50% ng expenses, despite him earning 3x more than me. Pero money is just one aspect. Ang pagsasama ng mag asawa feeling ko very important yung emotional support ng isa't isa, otherwise walang saysay yung marriage.

[glamorosa_09]

hi sis loveleah,

You've been through a lot. The death of your third baby, the discovery that your husband has another child - it's a lot to take. And I'm amaze how you could still pull yourself together despite all these while you have kids in tow.

I gather from your post that your husband has been apathetic and emotionally disengaged since the first year of your marriage. And you've be been doing the reaching out despite this emotional distance.

Now I'm beginning to wonder what made you two get married, if at the early years of your marriage you and your husband are already disconnected.

Anyways, in what stage are you right now? Are you in the moving process or are you in the stage na you still want to try to understand your marriage?

[donya_dyosa]

loveleah...

i checked your profile... so youre the breadwinner din pala? money mo.. money nyo.. money ni husband mo money nya lang??? sis.. wake up,... mahalin mo naman ang sarili mo... i wanted to know more about how your kid died by checking on youre profile.... unfortunately si husband mo.. parang hindi natuto dun... but you know what.. ikaw rin yata??? aminin na natin na may mali sa asawa mo ... pero may problema na sayo... bakit ka pa nagtitiis? sa ngalan nalang ng baby mo who passed away... iwan mo na asawa mo.. this is harsh pero nakaaawa kana... palitan mo na si rizal sa luneta sis...
 

[PinKisH_23]

Ang hirap ng situation mo sis.

Masyado na matagal na panahon kana naghihirap.

Ang hirap magpayo especially that I'm also going through something with my marriage.

One thing that I learned though, pag mahal mo ang isang tao, you don't give up. You only give yourself a chance to rest, pero deep inside, isang pagbabago lang mamahalin mo sya ulit regardless of the situation.

Pero mahirap ang situation mo kasi may mga anak kayo at kailangan ka ng mga anak mo. I think you should make them your priority for now while hinahanap parin ng asawa mo ang sarili nya.

But for me, wag ka magsettle lang sa ganyan, I suggest magusap kayo kaharap ang isang tao who means a lot to your husband and who cares so much for you both. Sa case kasi namin ng asawa ko, gumigitna ang mother in law ko kaya nakakapag isip pa ako. Baka sakaling malinawan ang asawa mo sa current situation nyo.

[loveleah]

^ Ayun nga sis eh, because my sons adored their father so much.. Kasi mabuting ama naman siya sa kanila, and he never abused me verbally nor physically. Yun nga lang, emotional naman ang abuse na kuha ko.. He is trying his best naman at times, but most of the times nga naging immature at maka sarili, basta aliw siya sa gimik niya, no need na makialam kung ano ginagawa namin.. He is 3 years younger than me, I am hoping he would mature but by then, kaya ko pa ba?

Sis Glamorosa,honestly po, I am not sure, unconsciously I find myself nag wi withdraw, parang ayoko nang makipag usap sa kanya minsan eh. Maybe its a good sign na hindi na ako masyadong attached. Mahal ko siya. But yes, time to love myself even more.. Salamat po sa mga payo ninyo I truly appreciate it..

[ri-anne]

Sis nung binasa ko post mo, i can feel na emotionally drained ka na pati ako i felt exhausted just reading it.

But then, i saw your last post and you mentioned he is a good father and your sons love him.. He doesn't verbally and physically abuse you naman din.. It's just that he is immature, mabarkada and not always there for you...yun yung issue diba? What you want is for him to be there for you when you need him, his physical, mental and emotional presence.

I suggest sis you read Secret of a Fascinating Wife.

However, before you can do that mukhang pagod ka na eh, not to mention, your being pregnant adds to you becoming more emotional because of hormones...
So, maybe try to give yourself a break? Make some time for yourself, do something to take your mind off the problem and will make you happy.
You need to emotionally rejuvenate.
Then when you're ready, try to make things work. And pray. Good luck.

[loveleah]

But then, i saw your last post and you mentioned he is a good father and your sons love him.. He doesn't verbally and physically abuse you naman din.. It's just that he is immature, mabarkada and not always there for you...yun yung issue diba? What you want is for him to be there for you when you need him, his physical, mental and emotional presence.

Yes Sis. Thanks for reading in between the lines. Yan hinanap ko sa kanya. I've exerted all efforts Sis, I've been appreciative of him, understanding, spend all my time with the family kahit sobrang pagod na sa work, cook for him, nag papaganda para sa kanya, been sweet to him, but all these taken for granted.. I guess there are just guys tini take for granted nalang kung ano ang meron and available for them. That's why I surrender na lol... I can't be all that anymore when not reciprocated well.

Airing it out here has helped a lot. Salamat talaga sa inyo mga Sissies...

[Girltalker2]

^ Ito nga yun sis. Kahit anong sirko sirko gawin mo, Kung "dense" talaga yung isang party, wala kang magagawa kundi mag antay na sana magbago sya. If not, either magtiis ka sa paghihintay or you just have to move on. Sana naman huwag humantong sa later.

[WorriedB2B]

Hindi ako makapag post ng new topic kaya dito nalang. Sorry for long post. Me and my husband lived in Philippines for 1 yr after our marriage. Masaya kaming dalawa, sobra. No major fights, no major adjustments, etc. After a year, we decided na bumalik sa abroad na pinanggalingan ko (where my parents and siblings are). Since mahal ang rent ng haus dito, we decided na sa parents ko nalang tumira.

Lumabas ang madaming issues ng parents ko sa husband ko nung nagkasama-sama kami sa bahay. May mga pangit na ugali daw yung asawa ko na never ko naman nakita sa kanya. Meron pang issue na kung makipagusap daw ang husband ko dun sa isa naming lalake staff eh para silang mag jowa. Syempre ang first reaction ko is, bakit niyo naman iisipin na papatol ang husband ko sa lalake?? At madami pang negative comments.

Just last night, while I'm sleeping because I'm sick, my mom entered our room. wala pa si hubby nun, nasa work pa. Gusto daw niya ko kausapin ng masinsinan.. Ang bungad nya sakin "May relasyon ang asawa mo at yung staff naming lalake.". I was really shocked. How can they assume na may relasyon nga sila? kesyo halata daw sa body language. kesyo iba daw yung care ni hubby dun sa staff na yun compared sa iba naming staff. kesyo nililibre daw ni hubby yung staff namin na yun ng food. etc etc. Tinanong ako ng mom ko if wala daw ba ko napapansin sa asawa ko. In 3 years namin together, wala talaga. Kesyo ganun daw tlaga pag inlove, nabubulag. Hindi ako nakatulog magdamag ngayon dahil sa sinabi na yun ng mom ko. Kagabi nagpaparinig ako sa hubby ko if may chance siya pumatol sa lalake. Sabi niya, syempre wala, ano ba namang tanong yan. Ngayon litong lito ko. Sino ba paniniwalaan ko? Wala talaga kong nakikitang signs kay hubby na papatol siya sa lalake. Super bait ng asawa ko, pero di ko alam bakit ibang ugali yung nakikita ng parents ko sa kaniya. Kesyo hindi daw nila alam kung pano ko kinakausap ni hubby dahil ibang iba daw tingin ko sa kaniya. It's so hard.. Syempre asawa ko yun. pagtitiwalaan ko, pero sa sinabi sakin kagabi, nalilito na ko.  : '(

[Girltalker2]

^ sis, just calm down first.

Wala ka rin siguro magawa muna for now kasi nakausap mo na naman asawa mo, at dineny nya.

Sa pov ng mom mo, bakit naman sya mag-l-lie and definitely di nya interest sirain pagsasama nyo. However, it is also possible na na-misinterpret lang actions ng hubby mo.

Question now - hindi ka ba matahimik such that you wanna know the truth? Or do you trust your hubby such that what your mom mentioned is 100% impossible.

If you really wanna know the truth at Di ka matahimik, then for now, you just have to wait and pray for the proper timing to do your own investigation.
Una una, do you have an inclination na close ang hubby mo with one of the staff?  Kung baga may regular syang kasama or what. Kilala mo ba yung staff? Second, sa phone and fb, does he come clean by not hiding anything from you or secretive sya? If he is secretive, it might be a good idea to just take a peek if you have a chance.

However need mo din pag isipan if you really really want to know the truth. Kasi if ever hindi maganda ang outcome, you have to be ready to think about what do you intend to do about it? Pero if ever hindi totoo ang allegations ng mom mo, madali lang mag explain sa mom mo na na-misinterpret lang nya.

[WorriedB2B]

Thanks sa reply sis. I'm 100% sure na di kaya gawin ng husband ko yun. Sabi ng mom ko kagabi, tignan ko daw si hubby kung pano tumigin sa lalaki. Today, umabsent ako (since I'm sick nga) and para mabantayan na din si hubby. Naglunch kami sa labas, lahat ng makakasalubong namin lalake, titignan ko if titignan ni hubby. Hindi naman. At if may makausap man kami lalaki, wala naman ako nakitang iba.

Si hubby kasi is super sweet and caring, lalo sa staffs namin. kahit kanino naman sa staff namin ganun siya. at kahit sa ibang tao, ganun tlaga siya. Pero siguro dahil medyo malambot yung isang staff namin, napag-isipan agad nila na may relasyon yung dalawa. Naba-bother lang ako, this past few days madalas kami magtalo ng mom ko, kasi nga, pinipilit nila na may negative side daw si hubby na hindi ko nakikita. Pero kahit sinong tao ang tanungin ko, wala ako maririnig na negative about hubby. Kaya nagtataka ko bakit sila, iba ang pagkakakilala kay hubby. Ang masakit pa, nag-conclude agad sila na may relasyon, as in sure na sure sla. Hindi man lang sinabi na "parang may relasyon". Tinanong ko mom ko kagabe, ano gagawin ko? Sabi niya, pakiramdaman mo asawa mo, at nasa sa iyo yun kung kaya mo pa siya tanggapin kahit ganun siya. Tapos pati pagkakaron ko ng lagnat, nai-connect dun. Kesyo baka nagkaka infection na daw ako. The heck?!

Maybe gustong malaman kung ano ba talaga, kasi syempre, magulang ko din yung nagsabi. Sabi nila iopen ko mind ko. And that's what I'm trying to do. Kaso syempre, nasasaktan ako for my husband. Wala siya kaalam alam na may ganun na palang issue sa kaniya. At wala siya kaalam-alam na a part of me is doubting him.

It's soooo hard. Never ko naimagine na aabot kami sa ganito. If I only knew, sana di na kami umalis ng pinas ni hubby.Ang saya saya namin dati, walang nagmamando, walang nakikielam, kaming dalawa lang.

[quinone]

^in my opinion, may mga lalaking effeminate. just ask your mother for proof. for the meantime trust your husband na lang at magisip na kayong lumipat ng house. so sorry, pero baka medyo homophobe lang ang mom mo or sobrang makaluma, expecting every guy to be macho?

[WorriedB2B]

^Hi sis, yeah, I'm looking right now sa budget sheet ko, thinking of going back to Philippines nalang. pero di pa talaga kaya. We'll move house nalang, that's the best right now. One of the reasons naman kung bakit ayaw ko lumipat dati is because ayoko may isipin masama parents ko, na baka magtampo sila kasi di naman need lumipat. Pero ngayon, I think it's time to think of my husband naman. Kahit ako wala ng mukhang maiharap sa parents ko. Sobrang panget ng tingin nila sa husband ko, it hurts. Syempre kung ano man ang masamang sabihin nila sa asawa ko, sakin na din nagrereflect yun. Kasi mag-asawa kami, isa nalang kami. It's just sad na nangyayari to.

[WorriedB2B]

Hello!!! Ok na mga sis!! Na-unload ko na lahat ng bigat ng loob ko. I talked to my husband about it.. diniretso ko na sya and sinabi sa kaniya lahat. Natawa lang siya, kasi ingat na ingat daw siya na mabutasan ng parents ko sa babae, ayun pala sa lalake siya mabubutasan.  And he made sure na di totoo lahat ng yun. Which I know naman, I just need assurance from him. Thank you sa mga replies niyo! The best pa din talaga ang good communication and ang walang tinatago sa husband. Sobrang gaan na ng loob ko ngayon. 

[Girltalker2]

^ that's good sis!

Sana lang ma enlighten mom mo kasi ang hirap naman na sila pa nagdududa ng ganun.

[kirsten10]

Sis loveleah
I can relate to your situation. Hindi man ganyan kagrabe ang naging situation ko. I understand that is not easy to just leave an immature husband. Specially when he is good with the kids and is "good" to you considering the absence of physical and verbal abuse. I know what he did disqualifies him to be a "good" husband, pero nakakalimutan kase naten madalas ang mga issues pag nasuyo tayo ulit. Parang we defer the anger and consider how happy it is to still be together as family. Despite being the breadwinner, despite receiving less than what we deserve from our very own immature hubbies. You dont have to answer why you keep getting pregnant, that's what love can do, madaling makalimot. Some may say that is stupidy, but who are we to judge anyone. It is definitely emotionally draining to keep on waiting for his transformation, but what else can we do, if we have decided to give that one last chance, then just take his word for it na magbabago nga. And kung hindi, whatever you decide on the next stage, no one can fault you in your decisions because in your heart you know you have given the relationship your best best shot.