Changed: My insensitive husband. Am I just over reacting?

[glamorosa_09]

Eh sis hindi nyo nga napag-usapan ng maayos yung pag-inom nya at naghintay ka dahil magchachat kayo di ba.Hindi nyo rin napag-usapan ng maayos yung pag-send nya ng stripper video na nakasakit sayo. Hindi pa yata yun over a month eh.

So I think there's nothing new sa recent issue na you just shared. It looks like a pattern naman in your relationship. Mapa- major or minor issue, you've been trying to air out your grievances, but you always seem to get disappointed. Airing out of grievances is a part of marriage, but in your part, more often than not, it always seem to fall on deaf ears.

Siguro, even if it is about a major issue, when he says sorry, yun na yun. He expects you to accepts it immediately. And when he has moved on, he also expects that you should have moved on na rin. Even if your explanation has been crystal clear as to why something has hurt you, he just doesn't get it.

[Priceless]

As I said, and so many others have also mentioned, don't sweat the small stuff. I think you are causing yourself too much grief over things that are unimportant. Ang parating ngang sinasabi ni aquacharly, you're a big girl, you gotta wear your big panties. Choose your battles well.

It's sad that you automatically thought that he was trying to get out of your emote session with him, just because he said goodbye. Tama si bagaholic_chewy, kung ikaw din naman na pa-start pa lang ang day, biglang heavy emote and iyak kaagad ang kagigisnan, hindi ka pa nga nakapag hilamos, gusto kaagad ng kausap mo na pakinggan ang buong book of lamentations, diba hindi din maganda? How else could he have put it more gently to you? "Sorry, honey, I know you're stressed today, but I have to go and brush my teeth, eat my breakfast, etc etc"...and the next thing you know ang reklamo mo naman is, "eto ako mapapaanak na dahil sa kakaiyak at sayo mas importante pa ang %#$@! dental hygiene na yan?!?!" I mean, he can't ever win talaga.

The fact that he forgot to mention it was a public holiday (and to some people, this is not really a big deal na kailangan i-announce especially to someone who doesn't even live in the same time zone ha), you already think na niloko ka nya, that he wasn't being truthful? Parang gumagawa ka ng sarili mong multo. And that's the thing, this again is something that wasn't an issue to him, that wasn't important, a public holiday for crying out loud that he wasn't able to send a memo about, and you obviously want him to apologize for enjoying public holiday without telling you. He probably looked forward to the public holiday kasi it was a chance for him to shop for your baby, and yet ngayon dahil big issue sayo and it that caused you so much pain and suffering, biglang hindi na sya as happy as it should've been and it's left a bad taste na.

Ilang oras ba sa isang araw ang nag ooverlap sa inyo where you can talk and communicate? Why not choose to focus on the positives and let the small things slide? I mean, if you had only 1 hour a day to talk, why bother to analyze and rehash things that are not important? Why use that 1 hour to nag on things that are not important? The limited time you have is so precious and yet you seem to waste it stressing about things that are not important.

By the time that you actually have major problems na dapat nyong ayusin at pag-usapan, your husband will not know the difference, and will continue to ignore you because he's going to think that it's part of your usual rantings, your usual nagging self. And it doesn't matter what he says because his "sorry" will never be enough.

[glamorosa_09]

Nag sorry pero hindi nya alam kung bakit? Yun yung nakakainis. Eventually I just gave up. Sige na, kalimutan ko na lang na iniwan mo ako sa ere nang matapos na. Tolerate na lang sa ganyang behavior. Ganun na lang ba dapat?

Since most people here keep on telling you that you tend to sweat the small stuff, why don't you try an experiment. Don't air any grievances for 6 months if you can, after that be discerning enough to pick a major issue. Once you picked it and open  it up, and his response is still the same, then you will know that it's not you. People will always tell you that it's your fault, like what your husband makes you believe.

And when you find out na ganun talaga sya, either you just accept him as it is or you keep on complaining na palaging nauuwi sa wala yung pag-air mo ng grievance. You just got to accept na your husband will just hear nothing of it, kahit after 1 year ka maghintay. There will be no right timing and no right way to share what's bothering you. However, you may also look forward to the marriage therapy you were planning and hope for the best.

[tjmax]

Habang binabasa ko tong thread na to, naalala ko ganito ako dati dahil LDR din kami nagstart as gf/bf. Nakakapagod yung ganitong eksena and it continued for quite a very long time because I refused to see his take on things. I tend to sweat the small stuff until I realized na my husband doesn't really care about the small things. Since I got tired telling him how I want things to be which is daanin lahat sa talk talk talk, I tried yung suggestion ni sis glamorosa_09. I minimized focusing on the things na hindi nya magawa for me. I stopped asking him kung sino kasama sa mga boys' night outs nya. I even stopped waiting for him to come home mula sa mga gimiks kasi pag di nasusunod ang oras na sinabing uuwi maiinis lang ako kakatanong at kakahanap kung anong oras sya uuwi. Basta nagbibilin lang ako na mag-ingat lagi at maging good boy. I asked less and less of his whereabouts. Generic lang ako magtanong kung kamusta ang araw nya and eventually, yung mga paglabas labas nya nababawasan na. Ngayon wala na at all. Ako na ang nag-uutos na lumabas naman sya kasama mga kaibigan nya. At kahit di nako nagtatanong nagkukuwento na sya.

Basing from your story sis kahit LDR kayo para kasing (sorry for the term but I couldn't think of a better way to say it e) nakakasakal na kelangan alam mo lahat. Although I get your point that you want to know about his daily activities. Syempre asawa mo yan, di mo pa kasama sa iisang bubong. Natural lang na gusto mo ganyan, pero I think pagbigyan mo naman ang sarili mong magpahinga sa kakasama ng loob sa mga bagay na hindi nya magawa for you. At the same time, binibigyan mo din sya ng chance na makagalaw as he pleases. I'm not encouraging indifference ha. I'm encouraging you to give both yourselves a little bit more breathing room. Peace!

[Girltalker2]

I stopped asking him kung sino kasama sa mga boys' night outs nya. I even stopped waiting for him to come home mula sa mga gimiks kasi pag di nasusunod ang oras na sinabing uuwi maiinis lang ako kakatanong at kakahanap kung anong oras sya uuwi. Basta nagbibilin lang ako na mag-ingat lagi at maging good boy. I asked less and less of his whereabouts. Generic lang ako magtanong kung kamusta ang araw nya and eventually, yung mga paglabas labas nya nababawasan na. Ngayon wala na at all.

Sis tjmax, swerte ka rin at mabait asawa mo. Kanya kanya talaga siguro ang ugali, di natin masabi.

I for one did the same sa approach mo pero ang end result is the state of our marriage worsened. Magkaron pa kamo sya ng kabit at anak sa labas. Kung baga sometimes di mo alam san ba dapat lulugar. Sabi naman ng friends ko, di daw kasi ako matapang at di ko inaalam his whereabouts.

I guess that's water under the bridge. Ang akin lang, pinaka importante talaga is communication sa isang couple. Puede kayo magkaroon lagi ng misunderstanding, pero kung constant at open ang communication nyo sa isa't isa, napa pakinggan at recognized ang thoughts feelings ng bawat isa, wala dapat issue.

[tjmax]

so sad to hear about how yours turned out Sis Girltalker2. Totoo na walang generic solution sa marriage issues natin. We just have to try and try and see what will work kesa matalo ng walang ginagawa di ba? Different strokes for different folks (tama ba? hehe!)

My husband is not a big talker din kasi kaya nakakarelate ako sa issue ni TS na parang umiiwas lagi sa usapan at madalas ako yung feeling left out.

Siguro Sis pakiramdaman din natin kung hanggang saan natin susubukan ang isang strategy ano? In your case ba walang tell-tale signs na you chose to ignore kaya nagtuloy-tuloy?

[Girltalker2]

^ tingin ko early on dapat observant ka na if you're drifting apart. Dito palang siguro fail nako as I was so confident that my ex spouse was not capable to cheat. Since never nya nagawa iyan in our 10+ yrs bf/gf at nagpakitang gilas pa kamo consistently.

Kaso on the other hand, once you notice these signs, how you should address it is a different story - dito na pumapasok what do you think will work for your hubby, sa iyo nang madalas kayo magkausap at magkaintindihan. And make sure it does not give an additional strain sa relationship. I think ito dilemma ni TS.

[erza0916]

Don't stress on little things. How do you define "little things" nga ba? What if may bagay, hindi nga major like cheating or whatever, pero nakasakit sakin or upset me in some way, ignore ko na lang kasi sa kanya or sa ibang tao "maliit na bagay" lang? Should I just keep my head down whenever I feel offended or upset over a seemingly small issue just so he wouldn't grow tired of me or talking to me? Ako na lang mag adjust para hindi nya ako iwan? Possible nga bang mangyari na iwanan nya ako or magsawa sya sakin just because I speak my mind?

Hindi naman ako araw araw nagrereklamo sa kanya and when I do, I try my best not to sound whiny or nagging because I know he hates that. I always try to appeal to his better nature. Like instead of ranting about this issue sa kanya here I am looking for other ways to blow off steam so to speak.

And about that example "sorry honey you're feeling that way etc..", that would've worked fine for me. Maybe not the toothbrush part but those first few words would've done wonders. How about "sorry honey you're feeling that way, is there something I can do to make you feel better? Wanna hear a joke?" Or in a more realistic world "...kakagising ko lang, teka hilamos lang ako then we'll talk about that"..by the time na matapos sya maghilamos ok na ako. Hindi eh "sige na.mamaya na lang.ttyl".. TTYL?? Kung alam kong holiday nun I would've been furious "teka may sinasabi ako sayo bakit bigla kang aalis?!?", but since akala ko nga may pasok sya, he got away with it. Kaya nga hindi nya sinabing holiday eh. I don't believe he forgot to mention the day off. Kasi we were in a conversation and just as the clock turned 7:50am biglang he's gotta go as if papasok na sya. Nung college ako, pag wala akong pasok dahil may event or may rally sa Mendiola sya una kong sinasabihan, especially dahil hindi kami parehong walang pasok so how else will he know. Sorry pero BS excuse yung nakalimutan nya and that's a fact.

Priceless said that "to some people it's not a big deal to announce the holiday especially to someone who doesn't even live in the same timezone", ok I slightly agree on the first clause but the rest of the sentence, no. Diba nga lalo nya dapat akong ininform kasi I'm thousand miles from where he is and I have zero idea about their holidays and such. Kung pareho kami ng place, yan pwedeng hindi na mag announce kasi for sure I'll find out one way or another. Please don't misinterpret, I'm not butthurt because he enjoyed the holiday. As I previously stated, I am grateful that he bought stuff for our baby. I didn't say anything about it causing me pain and suffering. The issue here is the fact that he left me out for cold when I somehow needed him, letting me believe in something that wasn't, and him not admitting or even acknowledging that he did. He can do whatever he wants, holiday nya eh, wag lang yung naargabyado nya ako then act as if nothing happened.

Right now hindi na namin pinaguusapan toh, ok na kami. I've said my piece, I told him he hurt me and I don't want it to happen again. He said sorry I won't do it again, kung ano man yun.. yes sisters, may "kung ano man yun" na kadugtong ng apology nya. Kahit sinabi ko na, tinuro ko na, nasa harap na nya tutukain na sya, still, hindi parin nya inaadmit. Pinabayaan ko na lang.. sige na nag apologize na nga eh. Cause that's how he wants it. Pag nag sorry na, kailangan tapos na. Let me ask you, tama ba yun? Yes or no? Acceptable ba kung ganyan ang partner nyo?

Uuwi muna kami sa Pinas then migrate to Japan pero bago mangyari yun we'll definitely undergo counseling first para kahit papano fresh slate kami when we move there. Hope it works.

I'm trying narin to be lenient. I don't question his whereabouts anymore. Whenever our conversations get cut off and he suddenly stops responding, I don't ask about it. And when he finally responds, we just pick up where we left off. Pero sometimes I wish he'd tell me why without me asking. Kasi kung ako yung biglang hindi makarespond, next reply ko "sorry sa late reply nawala net ko" or "may ginawa ako dito sa office" or "nag CR ako". I think it's just common courtesy, but that's just me. And before anyone reacts, yes alam kong magkaibang tao kami.

Sis Girltalker2, so sorry it ended badly for you. Tulad mo dati, I am confident with my husband. Sinabi ko nga I completely trust him. I don't doubt his loyalty cause he's proven it during our 8year gf/bf relationship, I just hope and pray that our marriage wouldn't be any different. These red flags, I don't see them as a sign of his imminent infidelity, or him being an abusive husband. I choose to look at them as him having very low EQ and maybe having more heart to heart talks can improve that. I want him to be more sensitive towards women especially we're having a daughter. I want him to be able to relate to her more. I keep on wanting to talk things out, not just for me, but also for him. For it to be a learning experience, a lesson on how not to treat your wife, how to be humble and accept your defeat. I'm not claiming to be perfect, I have so many flaws and I know it. Baka nga mali pa tong ginagawa kong nagpopost ng personal stuff naming mag asawa online eh. (Wala namang nakakakilala sa inyo sakin diba? Hahaha) pero kung wala din namang nangyayari syempre magsasawa din ako and just let it be tutubi.

[googoo]

You are possibly over reacting 

LDR is hard for both of you I'm sure. I gather you are the one who went abroad, and he was the one who got left behind   Alam mo naman men get invited talaga to go out after work, and siguro in his mind he wasn't doing anything wrong.  He was just doing what most men do.  Ikaw naman, you did not, and do not have to wait for him all night.  May schedule ba kayo to always talk/ Skype in the evening when he gets off work? 

[erza0916]

^ Technically, we both left. I to the US, he to Japan. So ewan ko, pero ako yung maraming free time since I don't work and I'm just waiting to pop our baby out. Hindi naman talaga ako nagalit nung umalis sya, I just asked why not tell me beforehand so I wouldn't wait up, cause we actually have a schedule to chat a little after he gets off work, then nagalit na sya, refused to admit what he did was wrong (mali para sakin) at dun na nagsimula lahat. He has issues sakin na masyado nang mahaba kung uulitin ko pa. Hehe..

[Girltalker2]

Don't stress on little things. How do you define "little things" nga ba?

Sometimes ikaw lang din makakapagsabi nyan.

You have a set of values na para sayo tama/mali. And it would be hard to change that.

Hindi naman ako araw araw nagrereklamo sa kanya and when I do, I try my best not to sound whiny or nagging because I know he hates that. I always try to appeal to his better nature. Like instead of ranting about this issue sa kanya here I am looking for other ways to blow off steam so to speak.

Yes para sayo iyan, pero para sa kanya, how does he feel? Bakit parang madalas sya mag tune out sayo?

Sabi mo before di naman sya ganun, so hindi dahil sa lalaki sya. Pero ano kaya reason.

Sa style ng pags-sorry nya, parang nagtitiis nalang sya para matapos na issue, ikaw naman nagtitiis ka din para wala nang issue. For him nag sorry na nga eh, nagtry nanga eh. Sayo naman it is not good enough because it is not ok.

Syempre ayaw mo mag sorry partner mo for the sake, parang saying I love you for the sake.
 

I choose to look at them as him having very low EQ and maybe having more heart to heart talks can improve that. I want him to be more sensitive towards women especially we're having a daughter. I want him to be able to relate to her more. I keep on wanting to talk things out, not just for me, but also for him. For it to be a learning experience, a lesson on how not to treat your wife, how to be humble and accept your defeat.

May mga lalaki na mabait naman and can change for their wives. Pero bihira, at least sa experience ko. Lalo na kung di maayos ang pagpapalaki sa kanila ng magulang nila, minsan mahirap na i-change iyan. Kung mababa tingin nila sa aga babae, not really sure how one can change their mindset, especially if it is further reinforced by their friends and relatives.

Sometimes you want him to be this and that. Pero isn't it too late na kasi kasal na kayo and this decision dapat nagawa before kayo ikasal? Ngayon all you can do is accept him as he is while having that "talk" hoping mag sink in sa kanya.

[erza0916]

May mga lalaki na mabait naman and can change for their wives. Pero bihira, at least sa experience ko. Lalo na kung di maayos ang pagpapalaki sa kanila ng magulang nila, minsan mahirap na i-change iyan. Kung mababa tingin nila sa aga babae, not really sure how one can change their mindset, especially if it is further reinforced by their friends and relatives.

Sometimes you want him to be this and that. Pero isn't it too late na kasi kasal na kayo and this decision dapat nagawa before kayo ikasal? Ngayon all you can do is accept him as he is while having that "talk" hoping mag sink in sa kanya.

Actually improved na sya sa lagay na yan. Nung bf/gf kami hindi mo talaga sya mapapagsabi ng Sorry. Sobrang na-baby ko sya noon. Masyado akong passive back then, I guess dahil din first real relationship ko sya and he was my everything, my whole world revolved around him. Sanay sya na ako yung nagbbeg at nag pplease sakanya. When I became more independent, nagsimula na akong mag voice out. Lumalaban na ako sa kanya pag sa tingin ko naman tama ako, sobrang nagagalit sya, calling me maangas and kung [textspeak!] ano pa, pero ano gagawin ko, I told him I'm not gonna crawl to his feet anymore like I used to. He eventually accepted it and now kahit papano may balance.

I don't want to say it out loud pero part of me somehow blames his upbringing. Their dad left them when he and his brother were young and his mom was very distant. Lumaki sya sa tita nya na halos 12 years lang ang tanda sa kanya. He was a problem child noon without any real role model. I don't know. Ngayon naman he has values, he respects his mom, hindi sya bastos and galit na galit sya sa mga babaero, yung mga ganon. Unapologetic lang talaga sya. Maybe a little bit more push matuto narin sya maging humble. Seeing that improvement keeps me from giving up on him. Malay naten maybe someday magbago sya hehe

[Priceless]

I see you've changed the title of your thread. And yes, I think it is a question of whether your husband is being insensitive or you are being oversensitive. A few people have said, including me, that you need to relax a bit, not to nitpick, realize that you can't control/have everything the way you want, how you want it and when you want it and instead focus on the positives. Suggestion lang naman ng mga tao na nakakabasa ng posts mo, hoping that you will realize that maybe, there is something in you that needs to change as well para sa ikakabuti mo at ng relationship ninyong mag asawa. Nothing in your posts have convinced me that your husband is an emotional abuser or someone who is out to get you, to hurt you or to even control you. You on the other hand can't seem to see how you are hurting him (and your relationship), how you're trying to use emotions, the past, the future, anything - to control him and the situation.

Anyway, that's beside the point. Obviously, you call the shots in your relationship and we are mere observers/readers of whatever you feel like sharing. If you think you'll gain more by making your husband feel that he has to tread carefully and walk on eggshells because you might get upset about anything (and everything), of course, that's your choice. Your husband can't change (or even influence) you nor can you change the values that he has. Not from thousands of miles away. And you can keep trying the strategy that you've been using to see if he'll change, but frankly, it hasn't worked for you before, it's not working now, are you really willing to risk your marriage, mental health, baby, etc, to see if it'll work in the future?

[tjmax]

Nabanggit mo na me mga improvements na sya sa lagay nyo ngayon. I'm sure naaappreciate mo yung mga yun but have you expressed yung appreciation mo sa mga bagay na ginagawa nya for you? Kasi baka he feels na he's trying hard pero walang recognition from your part. Validation such as saying 'thank you for doing this and that' goes a long way, at least in my case ha. Hubby is more likely to do things for me that he will not normally do kasi I reinforce his 'good deeds' by verbalizing my appreciation. Me validation kasi na what he did for me mattered. Try mo lang din sis baka madagdagan ang mga improvements nya.

[glamorosa_09]

erza,

looking at the angle of "low eq," it means hindi nya alam yung ginagawa nya, hindi sya aware na nakakasakit pala sya. He has no ability to perceive and understand emotions from himself and other people, not just you. When he sent the stripper video, wala lang sa kanya yun. He has no intention of hurting you, hindi nya alam na masakit pala yun sayo, low eq nga eh. For him, it could be that it's just a joke.

When he does silent treatment for days, guilt-trips you, gives you cold shoulder when you air your hurts etc, he just doesn't know the better way to cope or the better way to handle the situation.  Knowing about relationship skill could possibly help him. Psychotherapy could help him in dealing with his painful past. That is if he's willing to learn and is teachable. Baka pareho sila ng husband ni tjmax, konting adjustment lang from her ok na.

With abuse, on the other hand, everything he does is purposeful as he knows the effects of his actions on you, and still do it. Different intimidating tactics will be deliberately used para di ka lumaban, ayaw nila lumalaban ang babae eh o nagiging assertive, gusto nila bow lang ng bow. They won't understand your grievances, dahil in their mind, they're always right, you're always wrong. Alam nila ginagawa nila. If they will change or not, depends on their willingness to let go of the benefits of being abusive. They can get away with anything they want without being accountable for their actions.

Anyways, as a wife, ikaw lang makakadistinguish nyan. But based from your post, you firmly believe that he is just an innocent man with a low eq. But I guess it's too early pa for you to determine the core issue here given your young marriage, hindi mo pa na-tatry lahat lahat ng pwedeng i-try, like yung mga sinasuggest nila. But for your own happiness and your child's nurturing environment, I do hope that things will work favorably for you and your family.

[erza0916]

I read a quote that maybe I can live by pag naiisip ko tong issue na toh:

"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got."

-R. Brault

I'll just accept him and love him the way I know how. Thank you so much for all the feedback and advises. Sorry for rambling and ranting.hehe

Anyone who thinks their partner is insensitive or might be in the same situation as I was, feel free to use this thread or read back on what our sisters have shared.

[The Greatest Is LOVE]

yun sending you a video of a stripper, isa lang iniisip nya, na okay lang yun, mababaw lang yun at hindi rason para pagawayan nyo, at tingin nya para sa'yo waley lang yun kasi meron kang nakaraan na para sa kanya ay mas malala pa, yun pagkakaruon mo ng affair...never nyang nakakalimutan yun. male ego...pero sana along the way matutunan nyang makalimutan at hindi madalas nauungkat...

napakainsensitive nya sa bagay na yan. you're not over reacting. kasi kung ako man ang girl, sobrang mababastosan talaga ako sa action nya...

[juwie]

Hi Ezra, for me I understand you. I have been in the same LdR situation and it also happened to us wherein I waited for him (now my ex) past midnight because that is our usual protocol, only to find out a few hours after that he went to the mall. I mean how hard is it to send me a text? He should know I was waiting for him to come online because have I gone missing on our usual skype nights he would also wonder. Anyway, I got mad, and most of our fights while LDR I always ended up being the one chasing after him even if I know he is at fault. Why? Because I can't stand his silence. Whenever we fight he will always be silent or turn the table around. So sometimes I end up foregoing a lot of hurt and disappointments just to avoid any fight while in LDR.

In the end, we broke up, it didn't work and now I realize why: first is that our personalities don't jive esp on tough situations like LDR, second is that open, clear and constant communication is essential to LDR. How can I be with someone for a long time when he always shuts me down whenever we have disagreements? 

He must make you understand where he is coming from and vice-versa. I hope you will be able to resolve your dilemma soon.

[erza0916]

^^ thank you for your male insight tama ka, mababastos ang isang babae kung sakanya mangyari yun diba.

^ang hirap talaga na hindi open and constant ang communication esp pag LDR kaya napagsisimulan ng mga away yung kahit simpleng pag alis ng hindi nakapagsabi lalo na pag may naghihintay.

Madami akong issue sa kanya kung babasahin nyo lahat ng pinost ko sa thread na toh (warning:baka maumay kayo.hehe) pero naisip ko para san pa na mag post ako dito eh hindi naman nya mababasa, kung hindi nya mbabasa edi walang effect sa kanya. Kaya masmabuti na kami ang magusap at masabi ko sa kanya yung nararamdaman ko, hinihintay ko na lang talaga yung makapag counselling kami. Thank you sa well wishes.

[juwie]

^ agree! and baka nga makatulong sa inyo ang marriage counselling.