Changed: My insensitive husband. Am I just over reacting?

[erza0916]

Ok it's only been 2 days since we got in a fight. Nagsimula sa pride nyang ayaw nya amining mali sya. Maliit na bagay lang talaga. I told him I got upset that he didn't tell me before he went out with his coworkers for a drink. I wasn't telling him to ask permission first, I just wanted a little heads up especially when I stay up all night to wait for him to get off work. LDR kami kaya inaabot na ako ng umaga kakahintay. Nakatulog na ako tapos nagising na lang ako sa PM nya na he was drinking nga. I told him I wish he'd told me so I didn't have to wait up for him. Dun na nagsimula. Nagmatigas na sya and started to turn tables, telling me na lagi naman daw syang mali and para sakin daw wala na syang ginawang tama. I explained to him na I didn't mean it that way, sa totoo ok lang sakin sinabi ko lang na sana next time magsabi sya. He ignored na my PMs since. Seenzone-silent treatment combo na.

24 hours later wala paring contact. I didn't want to say sorry first kasi wala naman akong ginawang masama. Diba? It took a lot of me to resist making the first move. Ako yung gusto maresolve agad pero if I did he wouldn't learn his lesson. Ilang beses narin kasing napagaawayan yun I want him to realize his mistake. Masyado ko syang na-baby.

I knew he was going to a party. 50th birthday ng tita nya. Hindi ko na napigilan, I told him to take care and have fun. Walang reply kungdi "Ok". Hindi ko na pinansin, I didn't want to ruin the party for him, natulog na lang ako since 4am na dito nun. Pag gising ko bumungad sa facebook ko yung videong pinost nya, it's a video of a stripper they hired for the party. I don't know what kind of f*cked up party that was but there were strippers. Nag PM din sya sakin ng video of a stripper din dancing right in front of him. It was a 2 minute video but I stopped watching 5 seconds in. I don't know what got into me humagulgol talaga ako.. pag gising na paggising ko umiiyak ako. I asked him what the heck he was thinking! I was so upset pero nag maang maangan nanaman sya. Sagot ba nman "ano nanaman ginawa ko?!". That was it. Gusto ko syang murahin pero hindi ko magawa. Never ko syang namura and I don't want to start now. Iyak na lang ako ng iyak. I explained what I was feeling..I tried to be as civil as I can. Sinabi ko nasktan nya ako, I want to understand his part pero hindi ko makita logic nya. Wala. Mali talaga sya. After much explanation, mostly from my part, nag sorry na sya. Ayaw na daw nya magaway kami. I know he was just apoligizing so we can stop arguing, not because he admits his mistake pero tinanggap ko na. He didn't even call me, nagsorry lang sya sa message. Ako pa ang tumawag sa kanya to hear his apology. Edi ok na. Again, hindi ako satisfied pero gusto ko na lang maging ok na kami. Natulog na ulit sya kasi madaling araw dun and pagod daw sya dahil sa party. Ok.

Now, I watched the video. Stupid of me. Very stupid. Iyak nanaman ako. I can't believe he did that to me. Sobrang nabastos ako. To think na iniisip nyang wala syang ginawang masama, kung di pa ako mangungulit hindi pa sya mag ssorry sakin. I know it's just a video, it's not like he touched her or had sex with her. I don't know what to do. Ayoko na makipag away pero sobrang nasaktan ako. How do I get over this?

So sorry. I just need some kind of outlet. I can't tell my friends or any of my sisters kasi I don't want them to judge my husband. Sakit lang talaga.

[Girltalker2]

Sis, parang ang hirap when both husband and wife don't have the same values, more ldr kayo kaya di nyo ma explain mabuti at mapaintindi sa other party yung nararamdaman mo. I'm not only referring sa pov mo. Oo, I think he needs to understand you pero ikaw rin, you would need to understand him din. Kasi may pov din sya na need mo rin maintindihan.

[erza0916]

Try as I might, hindi ko talaga makita yung logic nya. Why send me a video? Why act like nothing's wrong with that? Hay. I love my husband pero sometimes he acts like he's got the emotional range of a teaspoon. Hindi nya magets kung bakit ako nagagalit. Am I just over reacting? Mali ba ako? I'm not fishing for sympathy. I genuinely want to know kung may mali ba ako.

[quennna]

TS, feeling ko nasasakal si hubby
simplify your life.. kung nag sabi na sa iyo na aalis sya.. stop..
wag na kunin buong details .. at least may pag uusapan kayo after his gimmick in a fun, loving way.. yun nga lang kung willing sya..

minsan, not all the time, insist na lagi kang tama.. kahet alam mo naman na tama ka.
kung small 'violations' lang naman, dedma na lang.. inhale exhale ka na lang..
then turn the table.. pag sya naman ang free makipag chat sa iyo.. tell him may gimik
para alam nya yung nararamdaman mo without making him talak..

mahirap talaga LDR.. narasanan ko na rin yan nung nag abroad si bf (now my hubby)
sis, sa tinging ko, pinipilit mo yung gusto mong gawin sa iyo ni bf/hubby..
kung di gumawa ganyan style..its time to have another strategy..

at yang video na yan.. pang asar sa iyo yan at alam nya na sobra mong ikakatalak yan..
tapos mag isip isip ka..kung willing siyang ishare sa iyo yan .. pano na lang pag both offline na kayo...

dapat ms friendship ka sa mga relatives and friends nya dun
para at least meron kang pang 'validate' ng mga kwento nya hehe
without feeling na.. nang i-interrogate ka.. lol


(GRRR eto nanaman si ACCESS DENIED)

[glamorosa_09]

Hi sis erza,

I know the posting of that stripper video has really made you feel disrepected, especially that you two weren't in good terms prior the party. Tapos biglang ganun. However, if you were like 'tropa' with your husband, you were in good terms and he was just sharing what he saw with you, then I guess you would not be that hurt and distressed.

But then again, meron na nga kayong misunderstanding before he went to the party. So it somehow gives me the impression na he was being insensitive to you. His real motivation, well we can't really tell.

Plus about the time na sana he should have told you na he will drink with his friends. You were just asking for a little consideraion di ba so you won't wait up. And I assume you were calm at that time. If he is just matured enough, ano ba ang, "oops, sorry, nalimutan ko, next time, sabihan kita." Again it showed na parang he didn't consider you.

Pero sis, I also got to read before some of your posts and your thread. And it seems like you were both glossing over the major issues in your marriage. Like, were you able to resolve the way he uses your previous cheating (while bf-gf) to guilt-trip you and make you feel bad about yourself? What about his overjealousy even with your girlfriend? Para kasi saken, red flags yung dalawa. Dagdag mo pa tong pagsend ng stripper video.

Days will pass, and this recent issue you just shared will be glossed over just like the others. It will be burried by a new issue. And who knows, baka maging repetitive. And it appears to me na ikaw yung madalas magreach out, umintindi, at magparaya.

Maybe it will be helpful to look at the overall pattern of your marriage? Kasi if you will just focus on one conflict, and ikaw lang yung nagreresolve alone, eh parang you will just be hopping from one conflict to another. It's like an attempt to make your marriage to barely survive.

Anyways this is just my opinion from my observation.

[Priceless]

First of all, sending you a video of a stripper, stripping in front of him, is probably a foolish thing to do. Mali nga naman, and I think, no, I suggest, you tell him calmly, why it is upsetting to you. Like, how would he react if you send him a video of you with a male stripper.  Distasteful.

However, I think you should also come to terms with the fact that being in an LDR, there will always be parts of his life that you can't touch, see, control. Not that trying to control someone, husbands, partners, spouses, in particular, always works. With the time difference between you, you are risking your own personal health, not to mention sanity, by waiting for him to "end his day" as you start yours. Kung ang mga mag-asawa nga na magkasama physically, minsan hindi talaga practical na mag hintayan at the close of each day, kayo pa kaya.

Hindi porque nakakapag usap kayo araw araw, or once a week or (insert frequency here), nakakapag-sign off/sign on each day, guaranteed that you will have a smooth sailing relationship as husband and wife. It’s not the frequency of communication, but I think you also have to have quality communication with each other. And that goes along with accepting that there will always be things that he will not be able to communicate with you, and share with you. And kung pipilitin mo to apply the common rules for common relationships, then dyan ka magkakaproblema because your relationship is not common. Kung uusisain mo bawat minuto ng araw nya (and I think, there is a great temptation to understand what his day’s been like – asking him for details kasi you’ll feel that this is the way to bridge the gap between you two), una, hindi nya magugustuhan yan kasi nakakapagod nga naman to account for and make paalam for everything, and two, you’ll really run the risk na either may malalaman ka na makakasakit sayo pero wala kang magagawa, or two, he will start hiding things from you, which means mas lalo kang walang magagawa.

I would say that since matagal kayong bf/gf before you got married, you should have known what it entails to have an LDR marriage – it takes a lot of sacrifice, a lot of trust and even more a lot of love. As I said, you can’t apply common marriage rules to an uncommon relationship.

[Girltalker2]

Try as I might, hindi ko talaga makita yung logic nya. Why send me a video? Why act like nothing's wrong with that? Hay. I love my husband pero sometimes he acts like he's got the emotional range of a teaspoon. Hindi nya magets kung bakit ako nagagalit. Am I just over reacting? Mali ba ako? I'm not fishing for sympathy. I genuinely want to know kung may mali ba ako.

Sis, yun nga ang problem kasi, he has a different set of values compared to ano ang tingin mong tama.

Sabi mo nasa abroad sya. Perhaps his pov e nag Iba narin? Para sa kanya, there is nothing wrong with it. Nothing wrong going to girlie bars, watching other women go naked, etc. Since he still sends money to you and technically speaking is still your husband.

And yes, people na walang empathy will find it hard to understand you. I hear you, naiintindihan kita. Pero for men like your hubby, parang iba ang hulma ng pag iisip nila. Ganyan na ba sya even before you got married?

And since di na sya bata, at di mo rin sya kasama sa bahay, it will simply be impossible
to make him do his 'assignments' and 'chores' for you. Ako ay naniniwala na dapat manggaling sa loob nya ang pagpapaalam sayo. Otherwise, nakakainis lang from his pov, kahit sayo man kung gawin man nya for the sake para di ka magreklamo ok lang ba yun sayo na napipilitan lang sya?

My point is, if we want our partners to ask permission, it has to come from their own volition - and it shows talaga why they do it - because they are considerate of their partner/family. Hindi mo iyan mapipilit. So either you live with it (walang consideration na asawa) or try imposing but both of you will end up being more annoyed with each other.




 

[maiandra]

I'm sorry, pero kung gagawin saken yan ng asawa ko, mababastos ako. Enraged and disrespected. Ano yan, he is trying to manipulate me or threaten me na konting pagkakamali ko lang, or kung hindi ko istroke yung EGO nya, he can go all the way with this stripper if he wants to?

[ri-anne]

Mahirap talaga pag LDR. Ldr only works if both person are willing to make an effort to really really make it work.
Yung mga mag-asawang magkasama na isang bahay nagkakaproblema nga at nagkakahiwalay, yun pa kayang hindi magkasama?!
I hope there's a way na magkasama kayo. At sana hindi laging ikaw ang tumatawag at nauuna. Give him a chance to reach out to you also.

Is it possible for you to ask him to call you (kahit long distance ha), like, on a fixed time? If possible nga everyday. Tell him you miss him and you want to hear his voice all the time (lambing lambing way)...And dapat gawin nya talaga ha. You shouldn't care about different time zones. Pero dapat kung anong mas pabor sayong time ha... para naman may konteng "effort" sa part nya.
May panggastos sya sa gimik, aba dapat pagkagastusan nya din tawagan ka.
It doesnt always have to be long calls.. Kahit small talks, always make it short and sweet..imbes na messages lang..
Yun yung magiging simpleng "effort" nya, and hopefully maging habit din. Hanggat sa time hindi mo na kelangan tumawag sya na lagi tatawag sayo kasi nakasanayan na.

And about sa stripper video, you're not overreacting. Mali sya and he should have said sorry instead of making excuses or whatever.
Anyway, i hope you guys work it out. Good luck.

[magno4]

  mahirap mag comment, mag violent reaction at opinion kung ganyan ang case. sa aking munting sapantaha ay parehas kayong ma pride chicken. why? alam nyo naman na ldr kayo so medyo mahirap talaga yan, ayaw ko kampihan hubby mo sistah at ayaw ko din mag react sayo. siguro the best nyan usap kayo masinsinan..

[aquacharly]

You did not say he is:  a philanderer, an emo/verbal/physical abuser, financially irresponsible, burdened with some psycho abnormality... So, let's  see .....

1st:  The Stripper/s.   His TITA's 50th.  Let's not jump into judgment this was a fckd up party.  It was probably the garden variety strippers. Like Dita Von Teese:  all tease, no baring of delicate anatomy, no touching.  Well, there's no telling about others' lack of taste, but it must be a raucous party everyone had a big laugh over. Did he touch or kiss Miss Stripper? Nyet? Well, boys will be boys, if he exhibited gusto over the mini show. He just wanted to share with you The Not-Usual Party Entertainment. IMO, he wasn't out to wound you.

EZRA, you're married now; time to put on your Big Girl Panties.

When we say "I Do" -- we say Yes! to sharing a life. Not to a Make-over of lifestyle, character & preferences.  After all, we should have examined the goods/package before marrying him.  You live with what you choose/decide to take/get.  So, it will lead to unnecessary Friction if we impose our own Blueprint of a Good Spouse; for surely, the other spouse also has his own Blueprint.  Am I saying we gotta just settle?  Of course not, since it is in our nature to always hope & undertake Improvement Works. 
BUT collaborate, never impose.  Imposition is a 1-way street; Collaboration is 2-way.  Collaborate since nobody is perfect, including our own selves.

Choose your battles. You don't want to win a battle just to lose the war.
So, you are p1ssed he forgot to call you, coz you were waiting up.  Did you have to wait up?   Could it be your vigils are unimportant to him?   You may not have the same Language of Love (read the book by Chapman, it is helpful). 
So, he missed a step of your protocol.  Of course, that oversight can translate into bigger meanings. But should it? Sabi di ba:  Do not borrow trouble.  May I add:  You cannot force those you love to love you the way you want to be loved.  So, perhaps?, his failure to bundy-clock with you does not necessarily mean you are unimportant/unloved?

EZRA, LISTEN. 
When one speaks -- one just shares what one already knows. But when one listens, one gains more knowledge.
Your husband is still connected to you. He is telling you what your relationship discrepancies are. You must listen, before he dis-connects.  Then, you will  find yourself wanting to know more about what to do.

Sometimes, being in a LDR has benefits.
It can give one Time and Space to undertake beneficial adjustments like:
   Letting go of the need to Control.  Better, IMO, that a spouse acts because he wants to please you, to not make you worry; not because he needs to - to avoid displeasure, censorship or a guilt trip. 
   Letting go of Pride; which, IMO, is a most useless thing. (Do not confuse Pride with Integrity or Self-Esteem.).    Sometimes, getting to be declared Right costs too high a price in terms of Relationship Damage. 
   Creating the belief in the spouse that his Best Life is with you.  Instead of moaning over what you miss, make the most of how your marriage is strengthened by your commitment and shared dreams.  Hindi yung isipin nya na sa layo ni wife eh magawa pang maging Commander; eh pano NA if he goes home daily, si Hitler kasama nya?

EZRA, Life throws curve balls at everyone, no exception.
In the grand scheme of your marriage, maybe maybe maybe what you are building Grief over & crying your eyebags into suitcases for --  are  Small Stuff --  you do not ignore, yes; but you do not create drama over.  Sabi, there are many ways to skin a cat. Sure, just as there are ways to skin a cat without killing it, IMO. 
So, EZRA: CHILL.  Play your cards well.

[erza0916]

I'm so sorry guys. I didn't mean to sound like an overly attached wife na kailangang every move nya eh alam ko. I'm not, or at least I try not to be. We resolved this issue na and we're now ok. Yun lang, "OK" lang. We didn't get to resolve it the way I wanted to, gusto ko pinaguusapan, gusto ko alam naming dalawa yung mali namin, I want him to realize his mistakes and apologize on his own not just because I asked him to, which BTW, I had to para lang maging ok na kami. I don't understand why he couldn't see his mistakes without me having to point it out to him. Mahal nya ako pag masaya kami pero pag nagaaway kami, he treats me like crap. Sinabi ko sakanya yun pero binalik lang nya yung ginawa ko noon. He just couldn't lose, he always has to come out on top. Hinayaan ko nalang at hindi ko na pinalaki. I give up. I know we couldn't fully resolve this lalo na LDR kami. We had to talk face to face para maayos namin, otherwise paulit ulit lang mangyayari, it's like putting bandaid on a gunshot wound. Gusto ko mag marriage counseling kami, I honestly believe yun yung best for us. I don't want to wait for everything to fall apart before even trying to fix it. It's true we have completely different love languages, I knew it, I just thought I can overcome it. I guess not.

My husband is a very faithful man but kung gano sya ka loyal, ganun naman sya kainsensitive. Even if he just wanted to "share" that video, he couldn't have picked a worse time. So ginawa nya lang talaga yun para mainis ako, alam nyang masasaktan ako so why do it?? Yun ang hindi ko maintindihan.

Thank you so much sa insights nyo. I really appreciate having somewhere I can vent my feelings out.

[budzwhiz]

Hi sis, I certainly get your point here. Ako man, ayaw na ayaw ko nagsosorry si hubby "para lang matapos na", diba kasi parang that defeats the purpose of saying sorry when the person doesn't even know what he's apologizing for. Since sabi mo 'ok' kayo, hayaan mo muna si hubby mo, kalma lang sa pag reach out.  Hayaan mo siya unang lumapit, but don't ignore him -- just make him feel na there are things you still have to talk about. Kapag siguro sya na yung nag reach out sayo, at inopen nya yung naging issue nyo, saka mo i-explain sa kanya ng mahinahon yung side mo, yung gusto mong iparating para mas maintindihan nya. Good luck sis. 😊

[glamorosa_09]

We had to talk face to face para maayos namin, otherwise paulit ulit lang mangyayari, it's like putting bandaid on a gunshot wound. Gusto ko mag marriage counseling kami, I honestly believe yun yung best for us. I don't want to wait for everything to fall apart before even trying to fix it.

I agree with this. But, the marriage counselling will work on your relationship dynamics lang. And tingin ko your husband needs some individual program. Tingin ko lang may red flags sya of being emotionally abusive, just basing it on your posts:

- the silent treatment
- using your past mistake to control you
- you were ok when happy, but if not, you're treated like a crap (cycle yan?)
- deliberately hurting you emotionally.


But if the marriage counseling will be succesfull, then baka nga it's all on the dynamics, it's on how you two relate with each other. Pero pag hindi, it's all on him. Kahit pa ikaw ang tanghaling Model Wife, The Perfect Wife, The Best Wife, there's nothing you can do. You will always be psychologically controlled, always be treated like a crap.

So yeah, try marriage counselling. It's one of your best shots to find out the real deal.

[quennna]

kasi sis, ini insist mo yung gusto mo.. your way..
di nya sya ganon eh.. yung approach mo, di nya approach..
dumating na nga sa point na asarin ka big time..
let him know na, naoffend ka sa ginawa nya...  tapos!
na kay hubby mo na yun, nanamnamin nya yung sinabi mo sa kanya..
insensitive pala sya eh.. guard your heart pag kausap mo sya..
gawin mong light conversation nyo..

tyaga lang, sis.. mag mamature din yang husband mo..
daanin mo sa dasal..

[cecilydee]

Sis just think of it this way...would you honestly believe na mas magandang hindi na niya sinend yung video at itago sa iyo PERO after a few days/months/years malalaman mo sa ibang tao/platform (thru your investigation) about doon sa nangyari?

If I were in your situation kasi (which I pray not...lol), I would think of a positive way on why ginawa niya yun. Kasi there is no way out na eh - you are married therefore I cry today but I have to work on this asap - lalo na sa LDR. Now, he seems to be unapologetic and rebellious, I get that. But the way to talk to this type of person is not thru guilt tripping them more about what they did. Instead, show them that you are still open to hear his side without much emotions. In short try to sound rational as much as possible so you can allow him to speak for himself.

I think lang ha - he is guilty of what he did thus he sent the video to you para sabihin niyang naging honest siya sayo but then he cant express this dahil nga marami na kayong away. In an LDR, dapat nasettle niyo tong dynamics na ito. Mahirap na may isa sa inyo ang nagtatago. He needs to explain himself but now he cant because a) lalake siya at oo hindi gaano marunong ang mga lalake magexpress and b) feeling niya hindi mo rin siya papakinggan.

Give some thought to it (put him into a conversation wherein you are open to hear his side and let him know you are not going to judge him) The truth hurts but try to refrain bursting to your emotions. If there is a need to make a decision (ie kung tatanggapin mo pa siya after what he did), do it in another day but today let him explain his side first.

[erza0916]

I agree with this. But, the marriage counselling will work on your relationship dynamics lang. And tingin ko your husband needs some individual program. Tingin ko lang may red flags sya of being emotionally abusive, just basing it on your posts:

- the silent treatment
- using your past mistake to control you
- you were ok when happy, but if not, you're treated like a crap (cycle yan?)
- deliberately hurting you emotionally.


But if the marriage counseling will be succesfull, then baka nga it's all on the dynamics, it's on how you two relate with each other. Pero pag hindi, it's all on him. Kahit pa ikaw ang tanghaling Model Wife, The Perfect Wife, The Best Wife, there's nothing you can do. You will always be psychologically controlled, always be treated like a crap.

So yeah, try marriage counselling. It's one of your best shots to find out the real deal.

I don't really know much about marriage counseling, what I know, I picked up from movies.haha it just sounded like a solution. I'm sorry for not doing the research first. Anyway I've been wanting to see someone about our relationship since the cheating incident. Gusto ko mapagusapan namin ng maayos, if that'll help him, ilabas na nya sa system nya. Sana  pumayag sya. I have a feeling hindi sya papayag and magagalit lang sya. *cross fingers*

Thanks again everyone, binabasa ko lahat ng replies. :*

[Priceless]

I hope you try to read and re-read aquacharly's post, especially the part about letting go of your pride and your ego and controlling that person you say you love.

You are trying to make someone love you and be in a relationship with you according to your terms. You want him to apologize and not just apologize ha, dapat iinternalize nya ng hustong husto and i-enumerate nya kung ano yung mga mali nyang nagawa, and maybe he stands a chance of you actually accepting and believing that he's truly sorry. And if you think that sitting in front of a counsellor to get him to open up his feelings and actually replay and analyze every bit of argument that you have for him to pinpoint and realize - "Ah, oo nga, yun pala ang mali ko, sorry talaga dear!" then you're probably going to be wasting money because you might be doubting him again - pano nga kung sinasabi lang nya yun because it's what the counsellor wants to hear, and the sooner that he does that, the sooner he can get out of that session.

My point is, until you understand him and accept that his way of communicating is different from yours, you will be repeating this cycle with him. You can't put a square peg in a round hole. If you insist on your way of doing things, you are sending a message to your husband that he's better off faking whatever emotion he thinks that you are expecting, just to appease you. Plus of course, mas expensive ang phone bills at sayang lang time sa pagpupuyat at pagtawag sayo kung tuwing kakausapin ka nya he feels like he is walking on eggshells dahil ayaw nyang masasaktan ka by some innocent remark.

I won't go as far as saying that your husband is an emotional abuser. But from his perspective, maybe he thinks you are.

[erza0916]

I didn't say naman na we'd go sa counselor para gisahin sya or make him take an exam where he's gonna be judged if he answers wrong. Mali ba yung magtaka ako kung bakit hindi nya nakikita ang mali nya? May mali din siguro talaga ako, na msyado akong perfectionist. Gusto ko alam nya kung bakit sya nagssorry not just for the sake of saying it at matapos na. Let me ask you, mali ba talaga yun? Honestly baka ako pa nga ang ma hot seat kung mag ccouples therapy kami eh. I was the cheater. I was the abusive one. Kahit noon pa yun I'm sure lalabas yun and I understand. Mali ko naman kasi talaga eh. If we we re to enumerate all the bad things we've done, masmahaba list ko and may red ink pa. Sometimes I feel like just because that thing happened wala na akong karapatang magrequest sa kanya na intindihin feelings ko. I'm not saying he should beg me for forgiveness or write me a 10 page essay of how he's thought about his mistake and how he's sorry. What I ask of him is nothing compared to what I have to go through everytime nagaaway kami. But that's a different story, let's not get into that.

I know I can't make someone love me exactly how I want to be loved. I am far from perfect, but does that mean I don't deserve a perfect relationship? petty arguments, however small, tend to build up. I'm feeling medyo napupuno na ako, kami, kaya I wanna talk about it with some professional mediator kasi pag kaming dalawa lang, baka lalo lang kami magaway. If it has to cost us, ok lang basta kahit papano may improvement samin.

[Girltalker2]

I know I can't make someone love me exactly how I want to be loved. I am far from perfect, but does that mean I don't deserve a perfect relationship?

Ano man ang nagawa mo in the past, I think everyone deserves to be happy. Kaso the problem is no one else can make you happy except yourself. Mahirap ipilit sa ibang tao ang wala talaga sa kanila.

I think importante now is aware ka sa nangyayari, na hindi OK ang nangyari and you want to resolve it - for the long term kasi you are there for the marriage for the long run. Sana ma realize din nya iyan. Kaso hindi nga nya mar-realize kung hindi "open" ang isipan nya.

Tama naman if you can do counseling.  Hindi lang para sa kanya, pero para sayo narin para mas magkaintindihan kayo - which is importante sa mag asawa.  I think pag lagi nya ni-r-raise yung history mo of infidelity, sobrang unfair na yun e.  Wala na dapat iyan sa usapan at current issue lang dapat ang pinag-uusapan ninyo para di na maulit.