Changed: My insensitive husband. Am I just over reacting?

[glamorosa_09]

  Anyway I've been wanting to see someone about our relationship since the cheating incident. Gusto ko mapagusapan namin ng maayos, if that'll help him, ilabas na nya sa system nya. Sana  pumayag sya. I have a feeling hindi sya papayag and magagalit lang sya.

I guess you're thinking that the reason why he's acting this way towards you is because of the cheating incident which happened when you were stil bf-gf. You broke up with him because of the guilt you felt, yet he pursued you still, wooed you to marriage, promised you it won't get in the way. But to your dismay it didn't happen.

I didn't reply to your thread. But let me share some of my opinions.

Based from my observation, these are the common behavioral reactions of betrayed partners.

1. Betrayed partners will continually badger you of the infidelity details as if they're collecting pieces of puzzle to fit in a bigger picture. Some of them want to know the whole infidelity story.
2. At times, S/He wil get mad at you, flipped out of the mood, or be hot tempered because of the flashbacks, and you will be at the receiving end.
3. You might feel that you've lost the freedom as s/he wants to know your whereabouts because of his/her hypervigilance and overpowering fear.

Common occurrences yan. But if you might be thinking na all his behaviors are because he hasn't moved on yet, you do still have a reason to think that way.

However, from another angle, based on what you said from your previous post:

- But now everytime we argue he would bring the past back. He would tell me he couldn't and doesn't trust me. That he knows I will cheat again because to him that's who I am, a cheater. Even the smallest things escalate and boil down to that issue.

-Sobrang sakit lang na kahit mga maliit na bagay lumalaki dahil sa nagawa ko noon. Feeling ko wala na akong karapatang magalit sa kanya dahil may nagawa akong sobrang sama noon. Naiintindihan ko na nagaalala lang sya na baka maulit pero kailangan ba talagang maging full blown na awayan? Ano pa bang magagawa ko para mapatunayang hindi ko na gagawin yun?

-He would use the past against me and I feel like I don't have the right to fight back. Minsan iniisip ko sana hindi na lang nya ako pinakasalan kung hindi pa sya nakakapag move on.

I get this impression that he is using your past infidelity to get the upper-hand. It's like it's his ace. So pag may ginawa syang ikagagalit mo, at magagalit ka na, he would then turn the table on you, at isusumbat nya on your face na niloko mo sya once upon a time nung mag-bf-gf kayo. Di ka pwede magalit, niloko mo sya dati eh, lagi nya gagamitin yun sayo, kahit na kumain ka na ng bubog para patunayang you've always been faithful ever since. Baka after 10 years pambala nya pa rin yan sayo.

Now you've decided that you will exhaust all your effort to improve your marriage and even yourself which includes marriage counseling, and it's good. But when all is said and done, and you've come to the end of the rope, and you still don't get his behavior despite being crowned The Most Understanding Wife, remember to refer back to these signs, and  I'm going to type it one last time:

1. using your past cheating as his upper hand on you.
2. overjealousy even with girlfriend from your post here:

Do I have a seloso partner? Yes. Kahit bestfriend kong girl pinagseselosan my God! Nag seselos sya pag matagal kami magkasama ni bestfriend. Kinukuha daw nya time ko. And malala pa pinaghinalaan pa akong may relations sa bestfriend ko kasi one time nag hang out kami then nung pauwi na nag beso beso kami ni bff pero same direction kami kaya accidentally nag tama lips namin. Ayun my hubby then bf would never let me forget about that incident. Tinatawanan ko na lang sya eh. Haha

3. silent treatment for how many days from your post here:

Nako nakakabaliw yang silent treatment na yan. Favorite weapon si hubby yan. Ako gusto ko pinaguusapan yung mga bagay bagay. Sya kahit sino man ang may kasalanan silent treatment parin ang abot ko.

in fairness naman after nun magsosorry na sya and magbabati na kami. Yun lang hindi ko alam kung gano katagal hihintayin ko. Minsang hours minsan days. Depende sa mood nya hindi sa pinagawayan namin

4. deliberately hurting you emotionally (ie sending you a stripper video)

5. a cycle of harmony when you're treated as special and then you're treated a crap.

You might not digest this or believe it right now, but it may come handy in the future if your relationship did not improve. By the time when you've done everything and poured all that you can, and still this cycle continued, I hope you would tell yourself, "This is it."

I didn't choose to dwell on this post alone as it barely tells the whole story.

onestly baka ako pa nga ang ma hot seat kung mag ccouples therapy kami eh. I was the cheater. I was the abusive one. Kahit noon pa yun I'm sure lalabas yun and I understand. Mali ko naman kasi talaga eh. If we we re to enumerate all the bad things we've done, masmahaba list ko and may red ink pa. 

Oh erza, you're so quick to take the bullet. Telling yourself that you're the the abusive one, putting a label on you na you're 'the cheater.' Mag-sink in sayo yan. Just keep on doing your best. You are not perfect, and basing from your scattered posts here, I think that you've been doing your best even participating on the thread things you appreciate about your partner.

You may wonder how I came up with these signs, I'm having my formal training in psychology and doing self-study on marriage and family. I even went as far as to collecting and compiling all the personal accounts/stories of abused wives on this forum and from other forums on the net.

But at the end of the day, these will remain as opinions in your eyes, until the time that you yourself could either confirm it or disprove it. I'm not saying it with finality but an option you could consider to think about in the future.

[Priceless]

First of all, how do you actually define a perfect relationship? Meron ba talaga nun? Or is it more about two people trying their best to make a relationship great. If there is such a thing as a perfect relationship, it means that there are also perfect individuals, which, sounds very suspicious not to mention narcissistic at the very least.

Let me use an example: may nabunggo ka sa LRT. Dahil nagmamadali ka, wala kang time, at maraming tao, jerk reaction mo was to say, sorry (and of course, you were truly sorry, hindi mo sinadya, hindi mo pinili yung taong yun and said to yourself, ah, eto mukhang madaling makaintindi kaya eto nalang ang bubungguin ko), pasensya na, and then move on kasi nga marami kang ibang iniisip at nagmamadali ka nga. So after mong umalis ng LRT station, hindi mo na iniisip yung nabunggo mo kasi nga to you it was an accident, an inconsequential thing, a minor inconvenience that you caused. Pero, the other person na nabunggo mo, mas malaki ang epekto sa kanya kasi nahulog nya mga gamit nya, naiwanan sya ng LRT at madali syang magkaroon ng pasa at bukol. So ayun nagcocoffee ka na sa Starbucks, yung nabunggo mo, minumura ka pa rin dahil sa pasa na natanggap nya dahil sa pagka sagi mo sa kanya.

In your case, your husband really doesn't give so much importance the way you do to what aquacharly referred to your "bundy-clock" reporting requirements. Baka to him, that stripper video was to say - "look how strange this party is, may stripper pa!". But in hindsight maybe he realizes that hindi ka pa nya talaga kilala and didn't realize that your reaction would be as such. So he apologizes. Siguro to him it was something of no importance, tipong a 'wala-lang' stupid moment, which, he is ready to move on from, kasi nga it meant nothing. Like that pagkabunggo sa LRT. Ikaw na nabunggo wants him to stop and say sorry, call the ambulance and the doctors and make sure that you get a full MRI so that he realizes that what he did was painful. Who knows, ngayon sa kanya, it meant nothing, and if you keep doing what you're doing, he will find something that will mean more to him para may sense ang galit mo sa kanya.

And this thing about what you're asking from him is nothing compared to what you go through everytime you fight. Binubugbog ka nya from thousands of miles away? Minumura ka nya? Aba eh kung verbal abuse yan, then walk away from that toxic relationship.

If kabaligtaran naman where he shuts down and does not want to talk to you and ignores you, perhaps he's nearing the point where he doesn't see that you are willing to listen and hear what he says. Kakapagod and sayang ang oras kung puro tanong, reklamo, mind games, sumbat, lang ang maririnig mo. Like what you said, you are the one with the baggage and history - until he realizes and lets go of the past din, nothing you will ever do will erase the doubts in his mind. Because like you, sometimes "sorry" and "talking" about it over and over and over and over will never be enough. And until he truly forgets about the past, you'll just get frustrated kung gusto mo pantay lang kayo ng sakit sa isa't isa every time you fight. You gave him the weapon, he's not afraid to use it.

[aquacharly]

I know I can't make someone love me exactly how I want to be loved. I am far from perfect, but does that mean I don't deserve a perfect relationship?

petty arguments, however small, tend to build up. I'm feeling medyo napupuno na ako, kami, kaya I wanna talk about it with some professional mediator kasi pag kaming dalawa lang, baka lalo lang kami magaway. If it has to cost us, ok lang basta kahit papano may improvement samin.

IMO, There is no such thing as a Perfect Relationship.  The Best, yes, meron.
We are but human -- we always strive for more and more, we are never satisfied -- something can always be better.   Pati nga yung petty issues/incidents, we  may collect until it is a  heavy string of emo tugs we can no longer ignore & feel compelled to correct. 

Sophie Sim-Bate and Dr Villasor are great with couples.
But before you even go in as a couple -- IMO, it's best to go in alone, by yourself. Not that you're the one who needs it more, but that it will help you sort out the core issues  & martial/organize these -- so when you both go in -- mas maayos kasi claro ka. 

^As to what PRICELESS cited above,  another way of looking at it nga -- he was sharing something "weird? Hahaha" & realized you weren't on the same page, so regretted that. No intent to wound.
IF a dear sister were in your shoes, I would tell her: Bakit mo binubugbog sarili mo?  Chill.   But then, that's just us, just saying.

I am responding to an issue in isolation - this thread. I don't possess sufficient patience/time to go analyze your other posts, as others do - Which is admirable.     Still, nobody can definitively say ok this is the problem, here's the solution.  Nobody can see the entirety of your relationship. Speaking for myself, I may be barking up the wrong tree here.  I may go barking up another tree -- as I go through more of your revelations/sharing.    So, it's really up to you to weigh all the opinions given here.  Consider too the red flags raised; like, is he a latent emo abuser?
 
It helps to  get the competent & non-judgmental assistance of a psychologist or psychiatrist.  Bare it ALL.  See, even if some issues have been dealt with & seemingly packed away, people are people with emotions & flashbacks.  The Past always colors, somehow, The Present. It is what it is. 

[glamorosa_09]

Maybe erza doesn't really mean a 'perfect' relationship when she used 'perfect', maybe what she really meant was a happy one, or harmonious one. I think she knows, like all of us, that there's no such thing as perfect.

Be careful with the word usage na lang, para hindi yun matira.

[erza0916]

^ Yes exactly. I didn't mean perfect in the literal sense. Wala naman perfect eh, we all know that.

Yes I've been thinking about it, maybe we should have our own sessions first before we go in for the big shebang. I know he definitely still has issues that he might want to sort alone before laying it all out. I know I do.

Regarding that video, I'm 90% certain that he sent that to deal some sort of damage. He knew we're not OK, he knew I was upset. If he wanted to just "share" it then he could've shared it some other time. He does that sometimes, do stupid things just drive me up the wall and make things worse.. I get it, I thought I'm immune to it but I'm not. God I love that man, everything good about him. But when it comes to his flaws, I just want to give him a high five, on the face, with a chair. Yes I know y'all say nobody's perfect or I chose to be with him so I should accept him but I'm sure you know what I mean. I don't want to call him an emotional abuser despite all the red flags you kindly pointed out. That's putting a label on him and I don't like it, he's still my husband afterall.

I've come to realize that we have different values when it comes to handling tough times like this. But what can I do? I cant just up and leave, I punched that horse in the face when I said "I Do". As I see it, talking about it with a shrink or amongst ourselves is the only way we can achieve that "perfect" relationship. Communication right? Hindi ako nagsasawa pagusapan ang mali as long as natatama ito in the process. But how if he doesn't want to talk? Sabi nyo nga what if he's sawa na or napapagod and feeling nya sayang ang oras kung puro tanong, reklamo, mind games, sumbat. Pano maaayos?

I don't mind taking the bullet because what I did is somehow unforgivable. It's ok, I know how to face the consequences of my actions, I know how to bow down when I'm truly at fault. It's not a weakness, it's more like taking responsibility diba? I just wish he does too. Or kahit cut me some slack na lang especially kung hindi naman ganung kalaki yung pinagaawayan. That's not too much to ask right? Hindi naman ako nagger sa kanya although I always say I want us to be open with each other, if there's something he wanna say I can be all ears. Can that be considered nagging?


glamorosa_09 thank you for actually taking the time to gather snippets from my past posts to present your case. You nailed it
priceless, the famous aquacharly and everyone else. Thanks for showing different POVs and your honest opinions. Para narin akong nag therapy

[Priceless]

^Please don't think that people are targeting you or do not understand you. We are are not questioning your intentions - after all, lahat naman siguro ng tao want to have a harmonious and happy relationship.

But please allow me to ask a question, when you had your infidelity episode, I assume you both talked about it at lengths, said sorry and hoped for the best, right? And yet he still brings that up, correct? So perhaps talking about it, beating a horse until it's dead, deader, and deadest, does not guarantee that it will not (get) resurrect(ed) back to life.

So if your husband keeps silent and does not wish to talk about an issue after he's said sorry, he probably thinks that, if he was sorry about it, who are you to doubt his sincerity when at the back of his mind, he actually has more reasons to doubt yours. I believe that you have truly moved on, you're truly sorry for your lapse in judgement and maybe, unfortunately, your husband will take this against you for the rest of your life. You can only hope for the best.

And that's the thing, we all handle crises differently - you like to analyze and discuss and move on, perhaps he's the kind that doesn't really take notice of small things like videos or phone calls or monthsaries. Does that mean he loves you any less?

Maybe when you go to therapy some of the things you can work on is hope, love and trust. Most of all forgiving yourself so that you can learn to trust and accept trust again.

I really wish you well. Sometimes it's hard to tell someone that they're really beautiful and loveable when they don't feel that for themselves and they don't realize it.

[cecilydee]

Sis I saw that your hubby is like mine, half Japanese. Why dont you stay with him in Japan para to lessen the fights? I understand that its all about finances but I would rather stay with my husband than be in an LDR so he and I are always together and therefore with a simple hug and kiss, one tiny problem can be resolved already. If magkasama kayo, you will probably not have this sending of stripping video at all. (Just saying..) Im just referring to my own experience lang. When we are in LDR napakaraming beses namin magtalo. Pag magkasama kami, oo may away parin pero it doesnt take that long to resolve it dahil our own hugs and kisses are enough na to show how much we value each other. 

Personally, napaka mahal magpa psychiatrist so sa tingin ko as much as possible pag usapan niyo ito ng personal. Lalo na buntis ka pala sis...napaka hirap nang may dinadala kang emotional baggage ngyon sa asawa mo..

[glamorosa_09]

I don't want to call him an emotional abuser despite all the red flags you kindly pointed out. That's putting a label on him and I don't like it, he's still my husband afterall.

That's ok sis, understandable

[Girltalker2]

I don't want to call him an emotional abuser despite all the red flags you kindly pointed out. That's putting a label on him and I don't like it, he's still my husband afterall.

Sis, do you think ikaw muna ang kelangan mag counseling?  Baka the problem is nasa sayo?  It seems despite all this, hindi ka masaya, nagagalit ka sa kanya. And yet, at the end of the day, mas nakatatak sa utak mo na 1) you cheated him and 2) mas mahaba ang listahan mo ng masamang nagawa sa kanya kesa nagawa nya sayo?  Kaya you always want to spare him the blame except for "incidents" lang and you do not like to look at it from an overall picture.

I think it is not a matter of tallying sino mas nakasama kanino. Pero importante to see things as a couple, ano ano ba ang mga nagagawa NINYO na positive for the relationship?  Engaged ba ang mga conversations ninyo sa isa't isa?  Sino ume-effort?  Sino nan-d-dedma at hindi nakiki-relate sa kabilang party.

[erza0916]

Oh no no..I'm grateful for the varying input, they open my eyes a bit wider.

Yun nga eh, I burned and buried that horse 6 feet under, why does it keep popping up? Maybe because it's not dead yet. That led me to believe na he still hasn't forgiven me, contrary to what he said when he wooed me to marriage, nothing else to do but to be understanding, hindi ko naman pwede I-undo yung vows. Afterall, I've learned through some posts din dito na it really takes time to regain someone's trust, pero that means to him I'm still somehow in the wrong. Therefore, bawal magreklamo. It's so exhausting. Pag ako ang may mali pwede pag usapan para hindi na maulit, kahit maliit na bagay kailangan ko parin mag sorry at magbalance on one foot while reciting the Periodic table of Elements, pero pag sya, magsosorry, tapos na. Pag nagtanong ako, at the end ako parin yung mali so might as well shut my mouth. "Bawal magtanong nagsorry na ako diba?" Ok lang ba talaga yung ganung attitude? Is it all just because of his DNA na lalake sya? Yun lang talaga ang ayaw ko sa kanya, sa ibang bagay ok na ok sya, kaya nga I married him eh, I overlooked that what seemed like a tiny flaw at the time pero eto ngayon, pinuputok ng butchi ko.

We have plans to close the distance very soon, and hopefully this'll be the last time we'll be in LDR. And yes sis cecilydee I'm pregnant so that might be adding some fuel to the fire. Hormones and all. Again ako nanaman, I might be going crazy. O_o

Ok naman na kami ngayon, but still haven't fully addressed the issue. Maybe it's too late now para pagusapan pa namin yung video, ako yung hindi makamove on. Pero to me it's not about the video anymore, yung fact lang na hindi nya maadmit or ayaw nya iadmit yung mistakes nya on his own. Kailangan pa ispellingin sakanya. Yun yung gusto kong maaddress and maayos. Para naman hindi paulit ulit na ganito yung problema ko.

Since busy sya sa work while ako nandito lang, ako yung mas may time mag leave ng messages, mag plan about sa future, mag day dream about the baby, magshare ng hopes and aspirations sa buhay. Pero I still appreciate the little moments na nag eeffort sya before and even after a tiring day. Hindi man same ang level of enthusiasm namin sa pag PM sa isa't isa, nandun parin naman yung love.

[Priceless]

^I don't think that just because you've made mistakes in the past, you are automatically banned from making complaints, that you can't get angry or upset or hurt.

Can I ask you whether your husband actually demands you to explain and go to profound lengths to prove that your apology is really sincere and before he can accept your apology?  Or do you just do it because you feel the need to explain yourself and to go through every little detail to show and tell him how much you love him? Do you think that by talking things out in detail, or at least the level of detail that is satisfactory to you would make things better or leads the path to what you think is a satisfactory resolution?

Kasi baka naman talagang sorry sya for the things that he has done. That talking too much about it is not his "thing". Maybe he is embarrassed of his own stupidity but his ego is so precious na if you talk about it more, mas lalo mong pinapamukha sa kanya that it was a stupid thing of him to do. He is truly sorry, and I hope you stop questioning his sincerity just because he says Sorry and stops at that. Kasi that's not a good foundation of marriage. Take his apology at face value - kung merong explanation, salamat. Kung wala, salamat pa rin sa pag apologize. Pero don't insist on accepting sorries that come with a recital of the Periodic Table of Elements. Kasi that's your thing. That's not his. Maybe next time you fight and it is your fault, you can teach yourself to apologize sincerely too without having to stand on one leg and pledging your allegiance to everything that's holy. That way hindi ka din napapagod.

Again, too much talking is counterproductive. Sometimes it hurts more than it heals. If you feel that you need an outlet to talk, maybe your husband is just not that outlet. It doesn't mean that your marriage is bound to fail or that you shouldn't have married in the first place. As you said, he is the man of your dreams except that he's not into the talk and analyze our feelings kind. There is nothing wrong about having friends or seeing a psychologist to talk to. You can tell your husband, you need an outlet to talk to if he won't talk to you. Maybe that will force him to start talking more.

[fionaapple]

Ano yan, he is trying to manipulate me or threaten me na konting pagkakamali ko lang, or kung hindi ko istroke yung EGO nya, he can go all the way with this stripper if he wants to?

ganito rin ang interpretation ko dito.

[MissStephML]

that's why I never trust anyone of his friends.

[erza0916]

So sis Priceless ok lang yung ganun na pag sinabi na yun word na "sorry" tapos na agad? Wala nang discussion. Move on na agad agad. All because of his ego na hindi pwedeng tapakan. I respect him not just as my husband but also as a man. Pero I don't think that gives him the right to be all high and mighty towards me. I admit pag may mali ako sa kanya I tend to over explain why I did what I did, what made me do it, what I was thinking when I did it etc.. I don't know, maybe because that's what I'm expecting him to do pag sya naman ang may mali, pero definitely because I don't want him to make up reasons in his mind tapos sa huli maiisip nya yung infidelity. Mabuti nang pinangunahan ko na sya kaysa maghinala pa ng mali at kung saan pa mapunta.

Maybe tama ka rin na too much talking does damage pero after talking about it, it's less likely to happen again.

Example recently lang, I was so stressed dito sa bahay, I was telling him about my day. Umiiyak na ako sa kanya nun dahil sa stress, then sinabi nya "sige na mamaya na lang, ttyl".. I looked at the clock it's 8am na dun (my day was ending just as his was starting pa lang) so I thought papasok na pala sya sa work. Sabi ko ok, thanks for listening kahit papano. Siguro nga mali ko, hindi ko narealize na umagang umaga snstress ko sya s problema ko. Then, lunch time dun, 9pm dito, nag PM sya sakin, he was at the mall doing some shopping and he's asking me what infant size to buy for our baby. Nagulat ako. I thought he was at work all this time wala palang pasok kasi holiday dun. I felt like he left me hanging nung nagsshare ako sa kanya. He didn't tell me na holiday, he led me to believe na may pasok sya so that he could avoid having to deal with me. Sandali lang ako mastress, pag nalabas ko na at may nasabihan ako maya maya ok na ako. I don't let it linger for long, ano nga naman mapapala ko. Anyway, I told him "why didn't you tell me wala kang pasok, iniwan mo ako s ere kanina" and he's like "pwede mamaya na lang natin pagusapan, anong size bibilin ko?dali!"..edi sinagot ko, sabi nya "ok magsshopping ako and I'm meeting up with my cousin, lowbatt na rin ako so mamaya na lang paguwi ko".. I trust him naman na it's his cousin talaga and lowbatt na nga sya, he showed a screenshot naman of his batt. I told him I appreciate he's shopping for our baby but I want to talk about what he did when he gets home, he said ok naman. Talagang hinintay nya na lunch time sya magmessage para under the impression parin ako na nasa work sya nung umaga, I know it, he knows it.

Since gabi na dito nun, hindi ko na sya nahintay makauwi. So I left him a long message explaining what I felt when he led me to believe na he's at work when he's actually not. That I want to talk about it so that it wouldn't happen again, that I would've understood if he just said he didn't want to be stressed that time. Na honestly nasaktan talaga ako, feeling ko iniwan talaga nya ako sa ere kahit nagiiiyak na ako sa kanya. Of course I tried to keep my tone light and not accusing. Nag goodnight and I love you ako.

Kinabukasan pag gising ko may message sya, "sorry sa kung ano mang nagawa ko. Kung ano mang iniisip mo, mali ka kasi ikaw lang mahal ko".. kung ano man??? Seriously hindi parin nya alam kung anong nagawa nya? Kahit nagiwan na ako ng detailed message? Nagalit na ako and gave him a mouthful. Sinabi lang nya "sorry na nga db? Tama na please".. I gave up. I told him "ok.just don't do it again". I don't think he even knows what he's sorry about, at this point I'm just too tired to spell it out for him.  Ganun na lang ba dapat kong gawin? Tolerate ko na lang? I'm afraid na maging ganun na lang sya, no more improvement. Basta nag sorry na ok na sya. Ganun na lang? Bagsak ang EQ nya. Hay

Saka what's up with "kung ano man iniisip mo, mali ka kasi ikaw lang mahal ko".. is he thinking that I'm doubting his fidelity? Baka akala nya lahat ng kinakagalit ko eh dahil iniisip kong nagccheat sya..is it because ganun sya towards me?

Sorry ang haba.. thanks everyone for your replies. Dito ko na lang nilalabas frustrations ko sa asawa ko. Eto lang talaga problema ko sakanya..

[Girltalker2]

^ sorry to hear iyan ulit na feel mo.

Hirap talaga ng LDR.

Sure ka di lang sya inaanantok nung 8am nya? Pag holiday kasi di ba minsan gusto mo habaan tulog.

Pero classic example iyan na he appears not to be engaged in your conversations at hindi din sya nag i-initiate or nagt-take time to have quality conversations with you.

Being a guy, puedeng need nya ng kausap ng personal for him to be more involved sa discussion mo at mas ma appreciate ang feelings mo. Pero being a partner, sana ma realize niya na may responsibility sya to take time to communicate with you especially ldr kayo.

[erza0916]

^ I don't know..siguro nga gusto pa nyang matulog nun. But why not tell me? I would've understood..saka nag message sya sakin ng 12noon nasa mall na sya, so may time magready to go out and tell me na holiday dun kahit sabihin nating natulog nga ulit sya. Sinakto talaga nyang 12 sya mag PM kasi alam nya sa oras na yun mageexpect ako ng PM on usual working days nya. From 8am-12noon (his time), alam kong hindi sya makakapag PM so I don't check or wait for him, I do my own thing. Medyo may sense of betrayal kasi pinaniwala nya ako on something na hindi naman pala. I don't mind kung anong gusto nyang gawin, basta honest sya sakin. Nagkaron tuloy ako ng notion na baka naiirita na sya sakin, wag naman sana.

[Priceless]

^For me ha, depende sa situation, depende sa circumstances - ako kasi, hindi ako madaling magalit, i'm not the type to talk and talk, but if I reach the point na talagang galit ako, my husband knows it and he knows that it's something big enough to talk about. Someone once told me, if I keep on using the "galit", "you hurt me, now be sorry" weapon, at some point, it won't work anymore.

Now about your comment about being the one who over-explains, see, that's your thing. That's not his. You are projecting something that you would like him to be, but clearly, he doesn't do explanations. And lalo ka lang nasasaktan kasi you are trying to mould someone into something they're not, from a thousand miles away.

Maybe tama ka rin na too much talking does damage pero after talking about it, it's less likely to happen again.

I find this is like taking a lace umbrella outside during Typhoon No. 3.

In your example, kahit ako hindi ko din alam kung ano yung mali ng husband mo doon eh. Yes, hindi nya nasabi sayo na public holiday sa kanila? Maybe you're being unreasonable and overly sensitive? Why does it upset you so much? The fact that he said good bye na? What if at that point he really needed to be out and doing something? Sa kaunting time na nagooverlap sa inyong dalawa, you choose to spend it discussing about what he did wrong, lahat ng sakit na ginawa ng public holiday na yan sayo, how miserable life is, I mean, really, kung 1 hour a day lang ang nasspend nyo to talk with each other, half of it naubos na sa nega issues.

I can understand why he sent you that message. He probably thinks na just because he didn't go to work and spent the day how normal people would spend their public holidays but just forgot to mention it, you already think he's being unfaithful and disloyal. But since kahit ako nga hindi ko alam kung bakit nagagalit, I think he's grasping at whatever straw he can just to appease you.

Please don't get upset at me but I really hope you choose your battles well. Don't sweat the little things. And reassess what really the BIG things are. Being in an LDR is really tough. Sa normal na relationships nga, mahirap na, but sayo, you have different time zones. There's really a lot of things that are outside of your control in this situation and somehow I feel like you're trying to put a square peg in a round hole. You're trying to apply typical expectations/communication in an untypical relationship.

[Girltalker2]

^ I don't know..siguro nga gusto pa nyang matulog nun. But why not tell me?

It probably is not his style. Sometimes naisip ko din maybe his world is not just you. Since LDR kayo, he may have already adjusted to cope being away from you, otherwise nakaka lungkot lang palagi. Puede naman siguro din sya magkaron ng ibang plans on a free day, like shopping or going to a mall with friends.




"Sinakto talaga nyang 12 sya mag PM kasi alam nya sa oras na yun mageexpect ako ng PM on usual working days nya."

Did it ever occur to you na kaya nya sinakto 12nn is baka alam nya nag iintay ka na at malapit na matulog?
Tsaka baka magalit ka ulit kung di Sya magparamdam?




"Medyo may sense of betrayal kasi pinaniwala nya ako on something na hindi naman pala. I don't mind kung anong gusto nyang gawin, basta honest sya sakin"

Paano nya ikaw pinaniwala?
May sinabi ba sya na pa pasok na sya or nasa office sya?

Si BF ko di nya naman need ikwento kada oras ng activities nya. Sometimes I assume na nasa gym sya, yun pala dinaanan nya daughter nya. Mga ganun. But then easier iklaro samin since di kami LDR and hindi imposing ang tanong ko - more of - did you enjoy your gym workout? So sagot nya di sya natuloy etc.

Sa asawa mo, ang question sana dapat - ...na enjoy mo holiday dyan? Ano ano pinamili mo, sana mabili mo rin ako minsan ng so and so pag may time ka. Kelan pala next holiday nyo, baka puede tayo magplan ng 1 hour FaceTime session. Miss na kasi kita sobra kaya lagi kita kinukulit. Ang traffic dito sa Valentine's. Lungkot ako wala ka kasi....

Hindi ba mas positive ang dating? Sana ma engganyo ang hubby mo to get engaged in your conversations eventually, that is, if you try muna to be more positive.


Di kaya ayaw ka na nya kausapin madalas and just try to 'report' para di na kayo nag away at di ka magalit lagi?

Baka ikaw mismo di mo pa na forgive sarili mo kaya nasa isipan mo pa yung betrayal mo sa kanya?

[erza0916]

I did try to be positive about it..nung sinabi nyang namimili sya for the baby.. I asked for pictures and he sent me some naman.  When he said na paguwi na lang nya namin pagusapan, pumayag naman ako, hindi dun natapos conversation namin. we talked some more about the baby clothes and whatnot. I just set aside my issue since he agreed to talk about it later. I thanked him for being proactive in buying stuff for our baby. Thing is, iba kasi talaga naging kilos nya that day, it's not like him to forget to tell me na walang pasok kasi usually excited pa sya dahil more time for us. I don't doubt his loyalty. I trust him completely talaga kasi for me, whatever he does, choice nya. I know he's faithful and that's one of the things I like about him. Parang "do whatever you want, just be there when I need you", ayokong ma neglect nya ako.

About sa time namin, kung iniisip nyang matutulog na ako, the more reason na dapat sinabihan nya ako ng mas maaga, 12noon ng Monday sa kanya, 9pm ng Sunday sakin. (CST ako, Japan time sya). Hindi na nga ako nag pry pa kung bakit nung time lang sya na yun nag message when wala naman pala syang pasok. Kinalungkot ko eh yung when I needed to talk to him nung nagsshare ako sa kanya, nakita nya yung opportunity to get out (time na ng work), ginamit nya para lang matapos na usapan namin about sa shnshare ko. Hindi nya sinabing "papasok na ako" because he doesn't have to, he knows that I know pag ganung oras nasa work na sya. Pag naguusap kami then biglang hindi na sya makareply basta around that time, alam ko nang busy na sya kaya I'm ok na, hindi na ako nagtataka bakit biglang naputol conversation. Yun yung pinaniwala nya ako sa hindi naman. He didn't lie, but he also didn't tell the truth. He let me assume that he's at work when he wasn't. Kung normal day lang I'd let it slide eh..pero yung day na yun yung sobrang stressed ako at naghahanap ako ng comfort from him pero he just left me to deal with it on my own. Nakadagdag pa sa kinalungkot ko eh kahit sinabi ko na sakanya na naupset nya ako, eh parang nagmaang maangan pa sya at hindi pa talaga nya alam kung bakit ako naupset. Sa line na "kung ano mang nagawa ko" shows na hindi nya alam, or hindi nya inaadmit even when I left him a detailed message explaining my side.

Nag sorry pero hindi nya alam kung bakit? Yun yung nakakainis. Eventually I just gave up. Sige na, kalimutan ko na lang na iniwan mo ako sa ere nang matapos na. Tolerate na lang sa ganyang behavior. Ganun na lang ba dapat?

[bagaholic_chewy]

^ sis, I think you're stressing too much on the little things. There are things na kelangan natin I-let go, especially sa situation nyo na LDR. Baka kasi in the end e ayawan na talaga nya makipag-usap sa yo kasi puro reklamo and nagging ang natatanggap nya..

Iba kasi ang style ng lalaki, most of them are not into the whole detailed explanation thing. I admit, me times din sa early years namin ng husband ko na naging nagger ako, always pointing out his pagkukulang, his mistakes, etc. And we went through some months of LDR din. And I realized that when I am confrontational, mas hindi sya nagrerespond ng maayos. It turns out, he would zone out pa tuloy kasi naiinis na din sya or nagpa-panic sya sa pag-iisip what he did wrong. Especially with the time difference, naisip nya nun: " ano ba yan, patulog/kakagising ko lang, me issue na naman". Kumbaga, he just wanted to rest by sleeping in pero nira-rob ko pa sya of his me-time with my issues.

So I decided to let go of the little things. It drains too much energy to stress on those things. So ngayon pinapalampas ko na. Then on better days, aasarin ko sya, "oi, alam mo hon, the other day, I felt a bit offended when you did this, that, etc. But I'm fine now. Sana lang you won't do it again.". So kalmado na ako. And sya din, mas open din sya to listen to me. Kasi wala ako sa combative mode. Or if an issue is really something that I want resolved asap, I ask him to call me or if I can call para "personal" namin pag-usapan. Iba din kasi pag sinusulat lang kesa sa naririnig at nakikita nyo ang isat-isa..

Re the holiday na di nya nasabi, I think wala naman dapat kaso yun. So baka di lang din talaga nya ma-gets bakit mo ikinagalit yun. You assumed lang din e. Perhaps you can make it a habit to ask him about this day, etc. Para me chance sya na masabi sa yo kung ano mga balak nya gawin for the day. Ako kasi nun, I'd say: oi, me lakad sila ganito-ganyan after office pero baka di na ako sumama kasi I want to rest, etc. How about you? Me basketball ka ba? Or overtime ka ba?" Or something like that. Then sa gabi (husband's time) at nagkausap ulit kami, kukumustahin ko how his day went by also sharing how my day went. Kumbaga, conversational, hindi question&answer portion.