NO LOVE = END OF A MARRIAGE?

[ayka]

Dear sisters,

This may sound like a rhetorical question, but I'll go for it anyway.

When your spouse has repeatedly told you that he/she doesn't love you anymore, is that the end of your marriage? I mean, SHOULD the marriage end?

I know, I might be blind. Lenses, please?

[Girltalker2]

kung ako ikaw, i will try to make the marriage work. Pero may hangganan. Kung wala na talagang pag asa, I will end the marriage and the misery. Ako lang naman iyan syempre iba iba tayo ng opinion.

Para sakin life is beautiful. Lalo na kung bata pa kayo, makaka meet ka pa ng partner thar can make your life more fulfilling. So why stick on someone that makes you both unhappy at alam mong tinry nyo na both ang best nyo to make it work?

[donzski_doinks]

if i were you, i will try to work things out muna. baka naguguluhan lang si hubby..we'll never know db. BUT if after all your efforts e wala pa din nangyari, then its time to let go. life is too short to be unhappy. live your life to the fullest and enjoy everything that this life has to offer. i believe that trust, respect and love are the foundations of a relationship. pag isa dun ang nawala, there are no compromises for me. out na agad.

[marose17]

Yes.  Why will you want to stay married to someone who does not love you?

[FayeP]

sis ayka,

I know people na nag stay sa marriage even though admitted ang both parties na wala nang love (or respect, admiration atbp) para sa isa't isa, simply because may mga kids na involved.  Kesyo ayaw nila maging broken family, ayaw mapariwara un mga anak blah blah...but they end up more miserable and galit sa isa't isa....

so sis, un nga try to work it out first, gaya ng pagconsult sa spiritual advisor like your parish priest...or magtry kayo magsimula ulit...pag wala talaga eh di wala na un...

most likely nawawala ang love dahil may bago nang kinahuhumalingan..

[Girltalker2]

^^ sis, sobrang true.

Knowing when it's time to move on ---
http://www.loveromancerelationship.com/knowing-when-its-time-to-move-on/

1) Your physical/sexual needs are not met
2) You no longer trust your partner
3) Your partners behavior is becoming dangerous
4) You no longer have the same goals

Kay TS, if you have tried all ways to revive your marriage at ganyan parin ang sagot nya, then it is #4. 

so sis, un nga try to work it out first, gaya ng pagconsult sa spiritual advisor like your parish priest...or magtry kayo magsimula ulit...pag wala talaga eh di wala na un...

yes. so dito pumapasok yung WILLINGNESS ng BOTH parties to go through this. Kung ikaw lang, hindi iyan magw-work.

[FayeP]

nakakalungkot lang talaga un mga ganito kasi after a few years of building your home with the hubby, you'll hear things na mga ganito..kasi may bago na at syempre mas gusto nya un...

parents ko nagkaganito...dad told mom na di na nya mahal si madir kasi di daw pang display, di na daw nag aayos at puro kids na lang inaasikaso...un pala may iba na, officemate nya...

kaya ayun, may reason yan kun bakit nya nasabi yun sa yo na di ka na nya mahal....sis ayka tanong lang...may alam ka bang mga extra curriculars ni mister?

[Girltalker2]

^ pero it is good naman kahit papano na truthful ang dad mo sa mom mo di ba?  well, at least he was man enough to admit it at one point. kesa yung mga nangangaliwa nang di alam ng wife, tapos gagawin kang t**** na ipapaasa ka na he is working also on the marriage pero actually hindi naman.

regarding naman sa hindi nag aayos etc at hindi pang display, grabe naman yung dad mo. all those years nung lumobo or nag age mom mo, what has he done to support her para naman ma motivate or ma encourage or ma-warningan sya about her looks?  Kaya sa pagpili ng partners, dapat may "pakialam" sila at may "say" sa mga observations nila, para hindi nga natin mapabayaan sarili nila. Hindi yun tipong  "bahala ka sa buhay mo kung ano gusto mong gawin, pero kung ayaw ko ang result, iiwan kita."

[amethyst028]

i think you can get back into love if you try to make some changes. it takes two to make it work, and it also takes two to destroy it.

given na wala talaga serious problems in your marriage pwede pa naman siguro siya ma save. don't be part of the statistics ng mga couples na naghihiwalay. these days kasi ang daming naghihiwalay. sabi nga ng mom ko dati pag married ka you are married for life and wala ka maririnig na naghiwalay or wala ka kilala na separated. that is unheard of. now halos lahat ng tao may friends or relatives na separated that they can count on more than one hand. mapa hollywood or local showbiz parang napaka normal na lang.

anyway ikaw ang nakaka alam niyan sa sarili mo kung hanggang saan mo kaya mag stay. after all that is your life, your marriage. just do the best you can and if it falls apart you know you did everything at wala kang regrets. either way, trust that it works out for the best. good luck!

[Girltalker2]

^ I think TS case is quite serious (kahit walang third party) as the husband has verbally stated and REPEATEDLY said he doesn't love her anymore.

TS, natanong mo na ba sa asawa mo kung among balak nya since di ka na nya mahal?

[kaiz]

hmmm.. if ako nasa place mo TS, sabihan ako na hindi na ako mahal but sya mahal ko pa, ill ask him if he wants the marriage to end na. sya mag decide. kasi pwedeng hindi na niya ako love, pero if hindi naman kami nag aaway, we live together harmoniously naman (basta hindi sya bastos) and we can still be good parents to our kids although hindi na niya ako love, i CAN stay.

pero naalala ko lang yung line sa isang movie ni jolina and marvin: people stay together because they love each other. just sharing

[FayeP]

sis Girltalker2, sadly di naman supportive si fadir ke madir eh, mas pinili nya un magpaka binata at i-pursue un relationship with his colleague na at that time eh 24 y.o. (si madir nun mga nasa 32 years old palang, si dad 27y.o. kasi college nag asawa tatay ko at mas matanda si madir)...

ayun ending hiwalay or rather, iniwan kami ng dad ko, at the age of 27 si tatay, 3 na kaming mga anak nila....

to TS, pag usapan nyo muna sis ng walang mainit ang ulo, walang sigawan, walang sisihan kasi for sure kun mag aaway kayo di nyo masosolusyonan yan lalo....kung may mga anak, may mga properties na paghahatian eh dapat maging ok pag uusap nyo....kun ano ang plano nya sa inyo, since sabi nya di ka na nya love...kun aalis ba cya, o ikaw ang gusto nya paalisin sa house, o annulment o ano pa man...sabihin nya din ng malinaw...kasi kun ganyan lang sinabi nya...pano mo masosolusyonan un problem...saka para nga if ever na may kababawan lang pala un reason nya baka kaya pa ayusin...sayang din naman un pinag samahan nyo...

[FayeP]

ay sis ikaw din pala un sa kabilang thread, wala pala kayo anak at nagkahistory pala cya ng affair...sis nabasa ko un latest post mo dun sa passive hubby...

hay I think kun nakapag desisyon na cya....eh di siguro mas mabuti nga na hiwalay na lang, why prolong the agony kumbaga

[fastlove]

Hiwalay na yan.. pwede naman mag  balikan..eh  if  gusto.

[little_princess]

Love is a choice. The question is why has he chosen not to love you anymore? You should reflect on the reasons why and see if it is still salvageable by doing things differently.

[glamorosa_09]

@ayka

sis I know your other thread. Baka naman pwede mo pang sabihan ang husband mo na magpa marriage counseling muna kayo for a period of time, bago sya tuluyang sumuko o ifinalize na wala na talagang love. Or attend seminars like Retrovaille or Marriage Encounter.

Just imagining it, I know it hurts so much to hear from your husband na, "hindi na kita mahal." Especially if it's done repeatedly. Parang walang awang dinudurog ang puso mo. But then he's just being honest, brutally honest. I believe the love faded in a process, and it didn't happen overnight. So in order to restore it, also requires a process.

Your marriage deserve a chance. Hindi rason na wala ng love para mag-end ang marriage. It could be worked on, besides,  true love is not just a feeling or emotion, it's a decision and commitment. Like what they say, "true love begins when you fall out of love."

What your husband may be referring is wala nang feeling or emotion of love. Wala na syang maramdaman. Our actions and thoughts produce feelings. So if he will think good things about your relationship, or act lovingly towards you, he can restore and reproduce the feelings of love that he has once has for you.

Of course there is more to your story than what you shared on your threads. Especially may previous infidelity na involved. So I suggest to see a marriage counselor before you two call it quits. In some couple counselling, you will be asked go back to the time na nag-ka-in-love-an kayo, you will be reminded about what attracted you  or made you love this person, you will realize na ito pa rin yung taong pinakasalan mo, but due to life circumstances, challenges and trials, that person faded. That realization can spark some hope and inspiration to work on your marriage and not to give up on it.

Another suggestion is to read the Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood and apply the principles there. You might be able to awaken his love and tenderness for you. Just look for the thread "Secrets of a Fascinating Wife" and read also other sisters' testimonies. Experiment on it, baka he will respond favorably.

[kirsten10]

Ts ayka - for me, pwede bigyan ng chance. Pero sabi nila, pag lalaki nagsabi na ayaw na, mas totoo yun. kesa pag sa babae nanggaling. Kung ilang ulit na sinabi na ayaw na, let go na!

Girltalker2 - agree ako syo, mas mabuti pang sabihin ng harapan na ayaw na kesa naman kunyaring inaayos hindi naman pala totoo!

[glamorosa_09]

Girltalker2 - agree ako syo, mas mabuti pang sabihin ng harapan na ayaw na kesa naman kunyaring inaayos hindi naman pala totoo!

Nakakaramdam ako ng bitterness...

Of course nandyan yung packaging ng pakikipag-usap. The wife should let the husband know, na hindi nya pipilitin yung husband to stay kung ayaw na talaga nya. But then, give it one last chance to work on it by doing some radical changes in the dynamics of the relationship or in the marriage. Kung wala talaga, they should both know na hindi nakatali ang husband sa wife, and that he's free to go. Wala dapat paawa effect or any controlling tactics ang wife. Masakit man, but at least panatag sya knowing she has done her best.

After all, sabi nga ng mga matatanda, ang pag-aasawa ay hindi parang mainit na kanin, na pag napaso biglang iluluwa.

[Girltalker2]

Love is a choice. The question is why has he chosen not to love you anymore? You should reflect on the reasons why and see if it is still salvageable by doing things differently.

Nabasa ko rin yung isang thread ni TS (passive husband or needy wife). And I realized yung hubby ni TS puedeng hindi nanga mahal ang wife, pero kung nanantili syang sarado at wala man lang EFFORT gawin para manumbalik ang pagsasama nila, there really is just no point.

So I guess, to answer the title of this thread, if there is no love, and walang effort kahit sa isa sa mag asawa, then that is the end of marriage.

^ and sis glamorosa, yung pag-uusap kasi depende sa approach di ba?  Kung WILLING ka ayusin ang marriage ninyo, hindi mo sasabihin "hindi na kita mahal" repeatedly. Unless super low ang EQ nitong hubby ni TS, or nananadya lang na tingnan natin sino una aalis nitong marriage. "Ayaw ko nanga, ikaw gusto mo pa kasi"  Kasi sa tingin ko, kahit pa sabi ni TS wala nang affair itong lalaki, meron itong tinatago e.

[The5thElement]

yup. should be end of marriage na sis...
give up and move on na dapat ang peg mo.
sya na nagsabi na hindi ka na mahal...
don't waste your time, move on na agad agad!