My Mother-in-Law is kind but....

[appleberrycream]

Okay this is not good, my mil is really kind. Doesn't meddle with me and my husband. Tries her best to be liked and nakikisama. She's all alone now because her kids are in the US already and kami na lang ni hubby ang talagang makakasama nya dito sa Pilipinas. But I have this annoying feeling deep inside my heart that despite all the circumstances I still don't want her in our house I felt bad for feeling this, guilty even. I felt that I'm a bad person and really selfish. I don't know if this is pregnancy hormones or what. Maybe the reason why I don't like her in our house is because I still felt na de numero yung galaw ko. If mag aaway kami ni hubby hindi ko maitodo yung pagpapakita ng emotion ko [textspeak!] ayaw kong makita nya ko na ganun. Ayokong may makialam sa pagpapalaki ng baby namin kase syempre kahit papano magkasama kayo sa bahay at somehow sa ayaw at sa gusto ko meron pa rin input on how to raise my child. Iniisip ko na lang naka-petition din kase sya and sooner or later aalis na rin sya papuntang States but my husband is convincing her to stay in the Philippines to help me take care of our child. Hindi ako makakibo and worst baka pag lumabas na yung apo baka magbago na isip na pumunta ng States. Tama ba nararamdaman ko mga sis? Or hayaan ko na lang since parang wala naman akong magagawa sa situation. Pano kaya mawawala yung feeling na hindi mo gusto si mil...

[aquacharly]

May I ask: if your mom was with you, instead of her -- will you feel the same way?
Will your mom be as considerate with curbing her own preferences as your MIL is with you?
Will you behave the same way, that you behave now:  best foot forward.? Anything wrong with that? 

I am sorry if I sound kinda slow- to-comprehend; but:  cramping my style, my ability to express myself, my preferences --  that I know I will resent.  Invasion of our privacy, individually or as a couple -- may also be hard yo take.    Per your cuento, hindi naman sya into those things.

IMO, having someone around who positively enforces (by her example) or encourages positive behavior/good conduct/best-foot-forward  -- to me, is a blessing.  I mean, I would appreciate a better way to live, as to what ano man nakagisnan ko.  I would also look at it as a convenient short-cut to knowing my hubby more -- ano nakagisnan at naka sanayan nya.  Just learning from my MIL how he prefers his food cooked is a big bonus, IMO.

If she is already curbing her preferences & her mouth --  siguro naman, hindi magbabago ugali nya at pakikisama pag may apo na sya.  Kung ganyan sya, malamang madali mo masabihan how you want your kid raised.

This is your 1st baby, you do not know how you will lack sleep when the baby is there with you 24/7. Hehe. You will appreciate your MIL's presence and assistance for sure.  Specially if you intend to go back to work,  you will count her as a big blessing. 

You're a big girl now, married and all.  Time to wear the big girl panties. .   Get along with her,  your husband loves her.  She's doing everything to fit in, that is not common with MILs.  Do your part:  be positive  with regards to her presence.  She is your hubby's mom, after all. 

[appleberrycream]

Sis aquacharly you're right. You know what, it still puzzles me why I have this nagging feeling deep inside me na hindi ko sya gusto. Is that really how daughter-in-laws are wired? I find her annoyingly nice I prayed really hard na mawala yung ganitong feeling ko dahil hindi ko rin gusto yung nararamdaman ko.

Para akong bata na sobra nyang asikasuhin minsan and I find it annoying. Hindi kase ako nasanay ng ganun. Pag nagalit si mil tahimik lang sya and hindi sya nagsasalita pag meron syang sama ng loob or may hindi sya nagustuhan and I'm raised in an environment na very open naman and vocal sa nararamdaman.

I still felt na kahit na very nice si mil gusto ko pa rin na kami ni hubby ang magkasama sa bahay, with maid na tutulong samin. Maybe because, we're just married for 1 year pa lang and nabigla ako na kasama na namin agad mommy nya sa bahay. Or maybe I'm just afraid of myself, na ako yung mahirap pakisamahan pag tinopak and ayaw ko lang na makita nya yung side ko na yun.

[princessyuri]

Palit na lang tayo ng MIL sis hehe. MIL ko kasi opposite ng description ng MIL mo. In fact, noong nalaman niyang pregnant ako, kahit plan na niya ulit kumuha ng bagong maid, hindi na niya ginawa so everytime na may kailangan siya, sila, lagi niya ipapatawag si hubby - para mag isa lang ako. Noong nanganak na ako, saka naman ang dami dami niya gusto puntahan at attendan so lagi siyang umaalis - in short umiiwas. We're not actually requiring her naman to help us eh nagtataka nga ako bakit eversince magkababy kami ayaw na niya halos magstay sa bahay.

For me naman mahirap talaga iyong walang privacy pero based sa description mo sa MIL mo, baka pwedeng bigyan ng chance. Tama si sis aquacharly, ang hirap ng wala ka kasalitan sa pag aalaga sa baby. Ilang months pa lang baby ko and mom ko nag alaga sa kaniya kapag nasa office ako.

[appleberrycream]

Thanks mga sis ha. I felt better upon reading your comments. I'm still lucky na mabait si mil siguro ako lang talaga ang may problema. Baka nga pregnancy hormones ito or napaglilihian ko sya hehe!

I can easily influence my hubby na kami na lang sa bahay and kuha na lang maid si mommy kaya lang hindi ko rin magawang gawin yun because I know it will hurt her deeply and she's really kind napakasama ko naman kapag ginawa ko pa yun sa kanya. Maybe, you guys are right for telling me na hindi ko pa sya masyado naaappreciate kase hindi pa ko nanganganak. Sabi nga nila I will need all the help that's available kapag dumating na si baby.

Grabe naman sis yung mil mo sobrang demanding sa hubby mo tsaka kung kelan nanganak ka pa dun pa naging demanding kakaloka...

Si mil hindi ganun, eh halos ngayon ngang buntis ako kulang na lang kargahin ako sa pag aasikaso sakin hehe! I will keep on praying na mawala yung not-so-nice feeling ko sa kanya...

[glamorosa_09]

- If mag aaway kami ni hubby hindi ko maitodo yung pagpapakita ng emotion ko [textspeak!] ayaw kong makita nya ko na ganun.

- Ayokong may makialam sa pagpapalaki ng baby namin kase syempre kahit papano magkasama kayo sa bahay at somehow sa ayaw at sa gusto ko meron pa rin input on how to raise my child.

- Or maybe I'm just afraid of myself, na ako yung mahirap pakisamahan pag tinopak and ayaw ko lang na makita nya yung side ko na yun.

@appleberrycream

Your apprehensions about the future are valid, and are not far from happening in reality. And so, you feel bad just by thinking about these things. Taking it into consideration, mahirap naman din talaga, kasi you have to be conscious of your behaviors, actions, and reactions most of the time. And yes, we all have parts of ourselves which are ugly that we can only show to the intimate people in our lives. Also sometimes, we cannot communicate/behave with our in-laws the way we communicate/behave with our own parents.

I think the the question is: Can you let your MIL step inside your intimate circle? Kasi right now, you're holding her at arm's length. Parang you refuse to be emotionally close to her and to show the real you. Since your MIL is kind as you described her, I think she'll accept you for who and what you really are. Give her a chance to be emotionally close to you, maybe you could learn to trust her with the 'real you.' I'm also telling this to myself. And I know it will not be that easy, depends na rin on one's personality.

Though I said what I said, I'm not really for living with in-laws, kasi it will inevitably affect the dynamics of your relationship with your husband, especially now that you're both in adjustment stage. And it's also up to you kung magaling kang makisama with people inside the home. I'm not saying this to get rid of her, but to be aware of the implications in your marriage and be proactive about it. Your MIL lives with you now, tama ka, ang sama naman na biglang palipatin di ba.

In the future, if you have concerns about your MIL and you can't be direct to her about it, you tell it to your husband. And let him be the one to talk as if it's also his concern, without any hint that it comes from you. I can see naman that you're capable of self-direction since you showed self-awareness

[appleberrycream]

Sis glamorosa what you've said is the definition of what's happening to me right now. Alam mo yung feeling na kahit na mabait si mil still gusto mo pa rin as much as possible eh solo nyo yung house. Totoo yung sinabi mo na ayaw ko syang i-entertain emotionally, may restraint pa rin ako. Medyo may distance talaga ako sa kanya.

Ang hirap i-explain eh kase kahit ako naguguluhan din sa nararamdaman ko. Like for example ang gulo nya sa bahay, mahilig ba magtago ng mga memorabilias and anik-anik na kung tutuusin basura na pampasikip lang sa bahay, eh sa condo kase kami sis so masikip lang sa bahay. Hindi ko naman masita kase alam ko sasama loob. Sinabi ko na kay hubby na itapon na yun sabihin kay mommy kaya lang sabi sakin ni hubby hayaan ko na lang daw, pwedeng yung hindi kase importante sakin sa kanya daw importante though nag aagree naman sakin si hubby na ganun nga daw problem sa mommy nya mahilig magtago ng hindi na kailangan. Like yung sutana na ginamit nila nung nag sakristan sila, tapos mga gift tags since 1 year old sila hanggang lumaki tinatago pa rin. Tambak na sis dun sa guest room na dati naman napakalinis.

Mga ganyang kababawan sis pero kinaiinisan ko. Tsaka yung panonood nya lagi ng drama sa tv tapos nakikita ko umiiyak sya sa sala. Ayoko kase ng mga drama na ganun. Hehe! Ewan sis, ang hirap. Ayoko rin maging indifferent at mainis sa mga ganyang bagay pero ang hirap turuan ng puso pala.

[aquacharly]

If you can afford it, or put it into her mind so she finds the finances to fund it -- get her a condo beside yours.  That way, she can keep all her memorabilia around her.  Or, a duplex -- you can have the bigger unit.  She is nearby, but still maintains her independence, and you avoid her annoying habits.

1 way to sell her to the idea of getting her own condo is to say that her visiting kids and grandchildren will always have a ready place to stay, with her to boot.  If she will be in the US for a year or more, she can rent out her condo -- extra income for her. 


I see how her quirks can drive you up the wall. But these are not really that bad.  Even your husband understands that depriving her of her attachments will take time. All I can say is:  choose your battles. Do not win this battle, only to lose the war. 
I am not one for living with in-laws too; I never did.  But  this preference can't apply to all of us.  Your husband's circumstances (widowed mom, only child in the Phils) require that for sometime at least, his mom stays.   As for the future,  believe me -- her kids in the US will insist she gives living in the US a go -- they are eager  for help in raising   their kids & managing their households.  Bet on that.  Hehe

As for your vocal & frank family dynamics... I don't see why you can't be expressive that way.  She seems to be a sensitive/astute person -- she will mind her own business.  But then, it is your husband you should consider in how far you will go in pushing your style of expressing your self.   You surely don't want to explode & have him amazed at how he didn't see that coming. 

If she is "magulo" -- most probably her sentimental attachment to things/mementoes result in clutter --  you will just have to gradually help her de-tach and simplify.  Ask for your hubby's help on this

[glamorosa_09]

@appleberrycream

You mentioned that it puzzles you as to why you feel that way towards your MIL living with you. Inside your home, gusto mo yung nakagawian mo, since it's more comfortable for you. Then your husband joined you in this home, with his nakagawian, which you need to adjust with. And then your MIL joined in too, with her own personality quirks and nakagawian. And this adds to your discomfort. Probably, a part of you is resisting the idea that you also need to adjust to your MIL. Parang teka, di ba dapat husband ko lang?

I couldn't come up with suggestions. Only that, this is your Life assignment now. When faced with a bothering/problematic situation, you can do 3 things: look for a solution, leave the situation, accept the situation.

The first one, you can consider aquacharly's suggestions. With the second one, of course hindi yan yun. The third one, kung wala na talagang viable solution, you may just learn to accept her and the present situation. Then adapt and pray. I understand your situation, I understand na as much as possible solo nyo ang house. Yun naman talaga yung maganda di ba. Pero ayun, sometimes in life, we need to learn to accept that we cannot control everything. Not all that we want will be given to us. So you may want to stop resisting and be in a process of surrendering, which will take time.

Also, another coping that you can consider, na binanggit na rin nila, is to look on the brighter side of your MIL and your situation and your life as whole.

[caterpillar-girl]

appleberrycream, I understand where you're coming from. I love and respect my mother in law, but only because she happens to be the mother of my husband. Like you, there are some things about her that I find annoying. I even compare her to my own mom sometimes, in my head. To me, what's important is how we behave towards our mothers in law. Hindi ko sya kailangan i-best friend and I don't need a deep emotional connection to her. What's important is that I treat her with kindness and respect. Siguro yun nalang din isipin mo. Don't force yourself to have these warm, fuzzy feelings for her if you don't have them. If you find her habits annoying, then okay, you are entitled to that. Don't add to your struggle. Take your feelings for what they are, just that, feelings.  Your behavior is what matters.

If you don't have a choice but to live with her, well, just do your role as a wife and (future) mother. Be even nicer to your husband. I think yun lang naman ang gusto ng mga mothers in law, to see that their sons are happy. If the time comes that she interferes with you, then deal with it when it comes. Ngayon, since mabait naman sya, let her be. Don't anticipate the what ifs, as it will only add to your stress.

[kittehdoll]

omg i feel you, ang hirap kasama sa bahay yung klase ng tao na mahilig mag tambak ng gamit jeez super ayoko nian nakaka stress, i lived with my partner's mom din before and ang hilig talaga niya mag keep ng mga di kelangang gamit nagiging basura na yung place, i think ugali talaga ito ng mga lola. E opposite ko siya kasi i hate tambak minimalist kasi kong tao and that easily stressed me out. Super bait din na same sa mil mo, kaya as soon as nahanapan namin ng apartment e go agad ,pero unlike your sitch nga lang she has a younger daughter that want to live with her naman. I understand lang talaga what you are going through and its not bad to feel that way, mahirap talaga makisama.

[hedonista]

How old is your MIL?

I am not sure if hormone actually contributes to what you are feeling right now.

I did live for at least a month with mine. She is a groovy professional, though minsan KIA, I swallowed all knowledge received. We watch TV shows together. I learned she liked Tennis and volleyball games on tv. I get to know her in that span of time. Now, it is the other way around, my mom is living with us now, which I appreciated when times of distress that a stronger force is putting sense If we had fights. I talk to her one on one pero d naman nakelam ever sa amin mag asawa. She just give a boost of confidence and sense and advice. Our room is upstairs naman so husband and I can still talk privately. And when the yaya of my son quit, mom helped a whole lot. She's taking care of the kiddo now, no hassle.

All I can say sis is that --- someday you will be a MIL too.

Be positive about it. And appreciate more the little things she does. Minsan sakyan mo trip. Ganun na lang. Just my two cents here. You are lucky. That I am telling you.
Yun iba alang MIL or did not get to know them.

[hedonista]

You love your husband right?
This woman raised him well that is why you loved him completely maybe unconditionally.
A woman raised him well.

Yung ipagkatiwala nya and convince nya na to stay in Philippines to help with the kid is a great idea actually. For me ha. I don't know with you. The first 3 years of raising a child is hard enough for first time mothers. Relish the fact that someone more knowledgeable in this area is with you.
And if things or situation changed, na sya on her own decided to go to the US, which is possible. then thank the time and moments with her.

Plus the apo will also get to know the lola.
hope this helps..or maybe not. lol

[simplengbitchy]

oohhh.. same boat, same boat..

my MIL is kind din. but i find her annoying as well. so what i do is quiet lang ako.. alis when her jabbering gets too much.. wag pansinin ang mga bagay na i would've done other way..

yun nga lang, hinde kami close.. i am the cold DIL..

i try, i really do.. pero magkaiba talaga kami ng brainwaves..

[appleberrycream]

Hello mga sis! Late reply na ko sa post naging busy lang lately. I love and appreciate all your inputs.
Some are pro-mil and some people nakaka-relate din sa situation ko. Hindi pala ako nag-iisa hehe!

Sis Aquacharly- I think hindi magiging feasible yung ikuha sya ng another condo kahit katabi pa namin. Mapapagalitan lang ako ni husband kase anong sense na papupuntahin namin si mommy dun kung meron naman kwarto sya dito sa condo, besides super obvious na gusto ko sya ipagsolo Hindi papayag si hubby.

Sis glamorosa- tama ka sis, hindi ko kase nakagawian yung lifestyle nila. Madami din kase akong nakikitang disadvantage pag sobrang mabait pala yung tao, like hindi ko alam kay mil bakit tuwing gabi sya yung naghuhugas ng pinggan instead na yung maid, sinasanay nya ng ganun. Para makakain daw muna yung maid. Ang sakin kase sis, pwede naman lagay na lang muna nya sa lababo then pagtapos ni maid kumain si maid na maghugas. Tapos ayun sa sobrang bait nga niya kapag may inuutos sya o napagsabihan nya yung maid namin hindi sya sinusunod nagsusumbong sakin. Syempre kakampihan ko si mil kinakausap ko din yung maid namin na hindi lang dapat kami ng husband ko sinusunod nya dapat si mil din. Katwiran naman nung maid napaka-mapamahiin daw kase ni mil, ayaw daw sya nagwawalis palabas ng pinto ang gusto yung papuntang terrace kase lalabas daw swerte. Eh kase ako sis hindi rin ako naniniwala sa mga pamahiin na ganyan. Si mil napakahilig sa charms, pamahiin, sabi2x, feng shui etc. Wag daw bubuksan bintana lalabas swerte, yung frames sa kwarto namin hindi daw dapat apat yun kase malas sa chinese. Ayun ginagawa ko na lang hindi ko rin sinusunod, di na lang ako kumikibo. Kaya nga natatakot ako paglabas ni baby dami nanaman nya siguradong pamahiin

Sis Caterpillar- Thanks so much! You're right, what's important is may respect ako sa kanya and I'm nice with her naman. Nasa loob ko lang naman lahat ng nararamdaman kong annoyances minsan and yung pagiging cold ko, I try my best na hindi ipakita at iparamdam yun sa kanya. Ang hirap lang pag umatake yung ganung feeling medyo matagal mawala. Sobrang opposite sila ng mom ko. May mom is very independent, frank, upfront, confident, career woman whereas my mil naman is very passive, introvert, pang bahay, doesn't work and dependent. Kaya tuloy hindi maiwasan na lahat ng atensyon nya minsan nasa amin ni hubby

Sis kittehdoll- oo nga eh, ang hirap talaga. One time nga dumalaw yung mom ko dito eh very OC yun as in. Nakita nya sobrang gulo nga daw ng kwarto ni mil, balak nya ayusin, naku sinaway ko kase ayaw ni mil na pinapakialaman nga yung mga tambak nyang gamit. Nagalit nga dun sa maid namin dati nung inayos yung mga nakakalat sa lamesa na mga gamit nya sabi daw sa kanya sa susunod kung may aayusin sabihin daw sa kanya at sya mag-aayos. Yung mom ko hindi rin mapigil na hindi nya ayusin, kinausap na lang nya tapos binili ng mga lalagyanan ng gamit para dun ilagay ni mil yung mga kalat. Ang dami talaga sis naloloka ako sa clutter. Hindi ko rin alam bakit tinatambak nya pa yun eh sa totoo lang iipisin lang mga yun hindi rin naman nya ginagamit.

Sis Hedonista- Thank you for sharing with me your thoughts naku my mil is not groovy. She's very mahinhin, soft-spoken, mabagal kumilos, never ko narinig sumigaw at pag nagalit o may ayaw hindi nagsasalita lol! The opposite of being groovy. You're right sis, naiisip ko din yan sa totoo lang. Mamaya makarma ako at magkaron ako ng pasaway na DIL in the future (knock on wood naman) sana hindi. Ako naman sis, go with the flow lang ako sa situation namin. But I don't think sis it's a good idea na mag stay sya samin for good to take care of the apo gusto ko ako pa rin ang mostly mag alaga sa bata. Knowing my mil may tendency sya maka-spoiled kase nga masyadong mabait. I highly appreciate naman yung mga ginagawa nya for us and pakikisama but you know what I want her to be independent too, to have a voice of her own. Alam mo ba sis, kapag kasama namin sya sa resto oorder na lang ang tagal pa, kami na daw bahala and mahilig sya magsabi ng "kahit ano" Ako kase sis lumaki ako sa family na very assertive, gusto ko yung mga ganung bagay mag desisyon na agad hindi na dapat pinatatagal kase order lang ng pagkain yun di ba Malay ba namin ni hubby kung ano gusto nya kainin, kaya si husband pinagsasabihan din sya. Tapos kahit ayaw ko kumuha ng food ipipilit sa plate ko yung ulam o kanin, kase sis sakin kukuha naman ako pag gusto ko. Ewan ko sis, parang sa sobrang asikaso at kabaitan nga minsan oa na naiirita ako. Sorry ha na vent out ko lang.

Sis Simpleng bitchy- Parehas tayo sis, ako quiet na lang din ako kapag may mga kinaiinisan o hindi ako gusto. Magkaiba lang din talaga siguro kami ng wavelength.

[hedonista]

Enter your message here

But I don't think sis it's a good idea na mag stay sya samin for good to take care of the apo gusto ko ako pa rin ang mostly mag alaga sa bata. Knowing my mil may tendency sya maka-spoiled kase nga masyadong mabait. I highly appreciate naman yung mga ginagawa nya for us and pakikisama but you know what I want her to be independent too, to have a voice of her own. Alam mo ba sis, kapag kasama namin sya sa resto oorder na lang ang tagal pa, kami na daw bahala and mahilig sya magsabi ng "kahit ano" Ako kase sis lumaki ako sa family na very assertive, gusto ko yung mga ganung bagay mag desisyon na agad hindi na dapat pinatatagal kase order lang ng pagkain yun di ba Malay ba namin ni hubby kung ano gusto nya kainin

"Kahit ano" and "matagal mag order" -
"Ako kase sis lumaki sa family na very assertive"

--- I am not pro MIL or anti. just sharing my opinion. malay mo may mahugot ka na pede valuable lesson or self discovery in the future. Now back to business, you always "assert" na sa family mo lumaki ka and the environment is assertive in some ways. The thing sis is, you cannot control people around you and one day, you will need to adjust.

---gusto mo maging independent si MIL. matanda na yun na walang kasama. Well ano ba alam ko. Opinyon lang sis.
---kahit sa resto di alam ang gusto --- the more that you need to get to know her. And her health! matanda na yan alangan orderan mo yan ng Crispy pata, lechon kawali etc na putok-batok meals.

Naaapreciate mo? Eh mas highlighted the things you do not appreciate e.

May I ask, how is your relationship with your mom?

[appleberrycream]

^ with your comment about matanda na yan alangan naman orderan ko ng crispy pata or lechon, are you saying sis na okay lang kung hindi pa rin sya oorder and we're still the one who should take charge in a situation where she could easily choose naman foods from her menu? I don't think that's right. Sabi mo nga matanda na sya, so I don't think there's a need for babying or spoon feeding her with everything.

My relationship with my mom is very okay. We get along pretty well, she may not be as kind as my mil but I like her confidence and no-nonsense approach on everything.

Maybe it's true na mas highlighted ko yung mga ayaw ko kay mil because of the fact na ayaw ko lang talaga sya dito sa bahay. But in time I will learn to accept our situation din siguro.

[hedonista]

the more that you need to get to know her. And her health! -- highlight ko lang un positive input and opinion ko sis ah. kasi ang napansin mo na naman is nega and the expectations you set for your MIL. Pero reaction mo yan. Iba [textspeak!] ibig ko sabihin sa statement ko na matanda na sya if di nya alam order shempre di mo oorderan ng masama sa health. ayun sa taas hinaylayt ko talaga sya. E di nya talaga alam oorderin eh ano  gagawin. it's not spoon feeding per se. Oh well enough na sa order ma - OT na ko.

Okay ako na ata ang nakaaccept na ayaw mo talaga sya sa bahay nyo har har. Kidding aside, maybe in time e ma-accept mo na nga yang sitwasyon mo sa MIL mo kung walang ibang choice. Good luck, God bless. 

Easy lang buntis ka pa naman.