PASSIVE husband or NEEDY wife?

[ayka]

Dear sisters/wives,

I would just like to share.

I have been married for almost 5 years with no kids. My husband and I have been through a lot in those years (including an affair that ended last year). We're almost back to normal naman na. He even promised me IT will be better (whatever IT means). I can feel his loyalty and faithfulness. He holds my hand everytime we're in bed, kisses me and tells me he loves me. I'm OK with that (although of course, I'm still recuperating from the damage that was done).

My problem is, I think he's too passive or doesn't care much about me and our marriage.

First. He's always out and about - ALMOST everyday after work, he does his sport. He usually goes home around 10-11 PM na. I've been sick for a while now and haven't been working for 5 weeks na. So lately I'm left at home waiting for him. And then when he's home, he kisses me, eats dinner, takes a shower then reaches for the laptop to surf the net or watch series until he sleeps. Usually when we're in bed, he's with a laptop and I'm watching TV. And we're both quiet. Minsan may pasalubong naman siya. When I ask him "Kamusta ang araw mo?", he will just reply "Ok lang, nag-work, nag-gym." He says goodnight naman and kisses me. And that's it.

There's no infidelity issue because I know and I can tell when he's lying.

Second. Eversince, he always lets me do almost everything - pag-asikaso ng papers (mortgage, etc), sorting out our travels (international) and the like. He seldom offers to help me in cleaning, or in buying groceries (even though I have an injury). He rarely cooks. Before I got sick, when he's home earlier than me, ako pa ang magluluto. I'm doing all of this, to think I'm working full-time as well. He doesn't even "date" me anymore and if anything, ako pa ang maghahanap ng mapupuntahan and ako pa mag-organize pati kung saan kami mag-lunch/dinner (booking, etc). 

To top it all off, he has no phone. So, buong araw walang text or call. Makikita ko na lang siya pag-uwi niya ng bahay. ALTHOUGH, pag-uwi niya, he's excited to see me. His reason for not having a phone - umiiwas lang daw siya sa problema (considering the affair last year), and alam ko naman daw kung nasaan siya and kung anong ginagawa niya, kahit tawagan ko pa daw mga colleagues and kalaro niya.

I love my husband. God knows how I fought for him and our marriage. Kung tutuusin, others might even tell me, "At least magkasama pa rin kayo at nagka-ayos kayo, dapat masaya ka na". I know that.

Siguro I'm just looking for the "old person" that he used to be before we got married (and before he had the affair). Someone who prioritises my happiness and makes time for me. Because that's how I am with him. Masyado ba akong nag-eexpect? 

Maybe after what we've been through last year, we're still both in the recovery phase. I know I can't control my husband, I just trust that everything will be better in God's time.

Any thoughts on this will be highly appreciated.

Many thanks!   

 

[ziontrec]

Masyado ba akong nag-eexpect? 

based from what ive read, i would say hindi naman "masyado" [textspeak!] expectations mo, i think thats how its supposed to be. its true na pwedeng in recovery padin pero hopefully both of you gets better soon.

specially now that you mentioned you're sick, its natural to feel the need ng care/support.

im no expert or anything, pero alam kong mahirap talaga labanan yung feeling na parang ikaw lang ang nageeffort but sometimes if not all the time we only see what we want to see.

maybe a little more time together and talk, pag nasa bed na try to limit the gadgets and just have that time to both of you, talk about "remember when we" [textspeak!] mga good times nung nagsstart palang kayo na parang reminisce, hopefully it will remind him of the "old person"

I think its ok to tell the guy you miss things you used to do, or what he used to do. so that he's aware of it. most guys tend to be really dense and not notice things changing.

hope you'll feel better soon, both physically and emotionally.

 

[glamorosa_09]

Hi sis ayka,

Hindi ka naman siguro needy, kung needy ka man, is maybe because of different factors that are happening in you and in your marriage. I think you are adjusting to two things: being a stay at home and recovery from the infidelity. Kung sanay ka sa work noon and bigla ka stay at home, nakakapanibagong lifestyle iyan, unless ang bilis mo mag-adapt, plus may karamdaman ka pa. Ngayon, you've no endeavors to fulfill you, naghahanap ka ng pupuno ng "love tank" mo, and I guess you're depending solely on your husband to fulfill your love tank. Why not do something that makes you feel you love yourself. Ikaw muna magmahal sa sarili mo. Do things you love na you can do at home, which can fill your "love tank."

At tska, Kagagaling mo lang din sa infidelity, it can be so traumatic to most women. Biruin mo, the person you love so much, you entrusted yourself with, you treated as your bestfriend, has betrayed you. Parang all the beliefs you have in the world about life and love have shattered, pati sarili mo hindi mo na rin minsan kilala. I think hindi ganun kabilis magrecover, I think hindi ganun kabilis you turn back to the way it used to be. Actually most people I know who experienced infidelity in their marriage, have started from the scratch, they created a new kind relationship. But then from time to time, eh namuulto pa rin sila. And what your husband told you na, "it will be better," eh looks like hindi nagiging concrete, tama ba? As for your feelings, I guess nagahahanap ka ng emotional security from your husband. And you seem not satisfied with the way your husband deal with your relationship right now.

And then I just want to share, sabi ni Dr. Smalley, there are 5 levels of intimate communication: Level 1 is an empty communication where there is no real discussion happening. Mostly, surface topics lang like how's your day, what happened at work etc. He further said na, in these relationships there is much TV watching and separate activity time; Level 2 is just sharing facts, this might be about the weather, work, current events, the children’s activities and things that need to be scheduled; Level 3 is sharing opinions, this is where you share your opinions, include your concerns, expectations and worries. Level 4 is sharing feelings, this can only occur when both partners feel that it is safe to share their deepest feelings; and Level 5 is sharing needs, this is where you share your deepest needs. And based from your post, it looks like nasa level 1 and 2 kayo. Can you initiate in slowly leveling up your communication?

I think, the things I mentioned have contributed to the emptiness that you're feeling right now. Maybe your husband is not really passive, but maybe he doesn't know what to do din. I hope you and your husband will be able to work it out and help each other.

[ayka]

@ziontrec
Thanks for the tip. And yes, sometimes we only focus on what we want to see.

@glamorosa_09
Thanks, sis. We used to have very personal and intimate talks and conversations. That was before he had the affair. That's why I'm thinking, maybe the "damage" from last year is still there. I just hope and pray that time will come, the damage will no longer control our lives.

[aquacharly]

If  he is into continuing True  Remorse and Reform; with no conditions, no rationalizations, just Mea Culpa --  then your relationship must surely be stronger now.     

You  2 are no longer the persons you started out as. 
You have both gained a better understanding of yourselves, & know more of the other. 
So, NO, hindi ka masyado nag eexpect. Tama lang na you expect to be more connected to each other now

You cannot force the person you love to love you the way you want to be loved. 
So, are you needy?  YES, if you search for what-was-before.  Or, cannot be open-minded enough to go along with his language of love.   
Do not live as your old self -- you do not "need"  nowadays -- you require "to connect" with your spouse nowadays.

YES,  you are looking for the old person.  Don't. He has changed, you have changed. Per your cuento, he seems changed for the better; and he is working to earn your trust again. 

YES, it seems he still prioritizes  your happiness.
He let's you decide, work it out.  So, NO , he isn't passive, he just yields to your preferences,. 
IF you think you are not a top priority --  maybe you should clearly define what will make you happy.   But be realistic & considerate. 
So, think it out well how you will put it into his consciousness  the ways he can make you happy.  He is not a mind reader. Spit it out.



WHAT AM I TRYING TO SAY vis-a-vis your expectations?
He stopped effing around na di ba?
Sure, ang laki ng atraso nya sa yo.
But really, can you expect a complete overhaul of what he is basically?  Expect some changes, but don't expect perfection.   Ang importante -- he gives you your top non-negotiable: fidelity. Tama ba?
But, Teka, Teka .. You can expect MORE ---    but it will take time.  You must work more at making him see what more you want; & work more to convince him that he wants to give you more of whatever you want.   

But you should have  now a more connected relationship.
It's not in the quantity of words, nor length of hours spent together.  It's in the contentment & understanding shared in quietness & in the mundane/ordinary; and in the complacency of shared goals.


Sis,
If you are still lonely when he is  beside you  ---  both of you still need to work on building your new relationship.   

[ayka]

Thanks for your insight, sis Aquacharly. 

I agree that we no longer are our old selves and we are starting to create a new relationship. Sabi nga ng husband ko, "I promise IT will be better". I guess it definitely takes time. Siguro what I'm feeling is yung bang, na-miss ko lang kung paano kami before- kung gaano kami kasaya. But of course, things have changed, lalo na after what happened. As the saying goes, the only permanent thing in the world is change.

In fairness naman, we both have changed for the better. Before, if I share something to my husband about my feelings or an issue on our marriage/relationship, he gets stressed and we usually end up arguing--because he doesn't like or even hates talking. But now, if I share something, he listens. He will explain a little and hug me after. As for me, I'm starting to learn to accept his weaknesses, hence, no more (if anything, only a little) nagging.

I'll focus na lang on the positive changes. And of course we'll work for a better and stronger relationship. Because we both feel that the love is still there. 

[aquacharly]

^ AYKA, You're both on the road to something stronger & better.

But it is only human to experience nasty throwbacks.  When the feelings of sadness, hopelessness, even anger, grip you.  Tune it off, like a lousy movie you will not watch again.  "Learn from The Past, but don't live there."

Yes, it takes time.  Control yourself, be mindful of your thoughts and actions.   It is hard to forgive, and almost impossible to forget.  But  well, what is there to do but to accept that sh1t happened.  Move on.

And  it is true:  "Time heals all wounds."
The oldies were right. 

[Cheesecak3]

I think you need to talk to your husband kung ano ang mga gusto mo sanang gawin nya. Minsan kasi tayong mga babae, may mga gusto tayo pero  hindi naman natin sinasabi kasi gusto natin na sila ang magkusa. But believe me, marami sa kanilang mga lalaki ang nadisappoint kasi hindi natin sinasabi sa kanila kung ano ang gusto natin.

Ganyan din kasi kami dati ni hubby, nag aaway na lang kami kasi hindi naiinis ako kasi hindi nya ginagawa ang iniexpect kong gawin nya. Sabi nya sa akin hindi naman daw siya manghuhula at syempre may mga iniisip din sya kaya mas maganda daw kung sabihin ng diretso kung ano ang gusto.

Simula nong naging open na ako sa kanya kung ano ang gusto ko, mas naging maayos ang pagsasama namin.

Kaya sis, sabihin mo ng detalyado kung ano ang gusto mo. Sabihin mo kung gusto mo naman na tumulong sya sa paglilinis  ng bahay. Mag effort naman sya this time kasi may sakit ka. Goodluck sis...

[hedonista]

Sis ayka I know how you feel I have been in your shoes.
Semi silent treatment is what I think you are going through. At least he does not completely discard your existence. It can be emotionally damaging. I know you love your husband very much.

I love my husband. God knows how I fought for him and our marriage. Kung tutuusin, others might even tell me, "At least magkasama pa rin kayo at nagka-ayos kayo, dapat masaya ka na". I know that.

Siguro I'm just looking for the "old person" that he used to be before we got married (and before he had the affair). Someone who prioritises my happiness and makes time for me. Because that's how I am with him. Masyado ba akong nag-eexpect?

--- same here sis. What I did since I cannot force him to be the same person I met before I self evaluate and check if I was the same person he met! I did what I was doing before, lively childlike bubbly personality all positivity no nagging no bringing up pf past hurts ---- that is when he came out of his hard shell and reciprocated (if sociopath --- mirrored the emotions or attitude towards the person) but it is better that way. We started living again the way we used to and especially we have a child I cannot sabotage the kid's childhood.

--- sabi nga if you wanna make a change take a look at yourself...
something to that effect hehe hope this helps

*big hug*

[lepink]

I think what aquacharly, glamorosa_09 and hedonista said is the most sensible and effective way. I really enjoyed and learned a lot from this topic. Don't worry sis , just give it time to heal and learn to enjoy again.. Just live and love him ..

[ayka]

Dearest sisters,

Just an update, my husband and I talked, and he told me he really doesn't love me anymore. For the Nth time. That's the reason why he's been acting this way, for almost 2 years now (after the affair). He said he tried and even prayed for his love to come back. Unfortunately, hanggang ngayon daw, wala pa rin. He just feels “obliged” or napipilitan na lang siya “out of pity”. So talagang hindi maiiwasan, makakasakit at makakasakit daw siya. And he still feels that I’M STILL IN CONTROL. Maybe THE MERE FACT that he’s still with me even if he wants to go, he feels controlled.

Obviously, he cannot give what he doesn't have.

He's told me several times already, ever since the affair, that the love is gone. But I held on to him and our marriage, because I love him. We didn’t really have an agreement the last time that we talked. He wanted to leave, and I didn’t want him to.

Right now I’m keeping my silence. Honestly, I’ve started to let him go “in my mind”. Iyon bang parang, I live everyday as if he’s not with me. I plan for myself and do things on my own. No calls, no messages. When he’s home, I don’t talk to him that much. Parang I’m ignoring him na. Kumbaga right now, dumating na ako sa point na I could care less if he left. I just got tired and fed up with his lack of commitment. At the back of my mind, I’m doing this so it would somehow make it less difficult for me if he leaves.

And I think, nasa akin na ang desisyon if I can still carry on waiting for him. As of the moment, I’m focusing on myself. I’m back to work, am selling one of our houses, taking driving lessons, planning to travel alone, etc. I’m going to love myself and not depend on nor revolve my world around my husband.

And I’m starting to see and realise…it’s doing me good.

[kaiz]

Dearest sisters,



Right now I’m keeping my silence. Honestly, I’ve started to let him go “in my mind”. Iyon bang parang, I live everyday as if he’s not with me. I plan for myself and do things on my own. No calls, no messages. When he’s home, I don’t talk to him that much. Parang I’m ignoring him na. Kumbaga right now, dumating na ako sa point na I could care less if he left. I just got tired and fed up with his lack of commitment. At the back of my mind, I’m doing this so it would somehow make it less difficult for me if he leaves.

did this with my husband sis. although no 3rd party issue with us. emo abuser lang talaga sya. mahirap to. kasi kahit nakakaya mo na to live everyday as if wala sya, mabigat pa rin. when i finally had the courage to kick him out of the house, grabe ang sarap na matulog. so liberating. now, tinatapik ko pa rin sarili ko saying "good job" LOL. pero totoo yan sis.

yang ganyan kasi sis na may silent treatment and the likes, kahit happy ka na on some days and gusto mong tumawa, but when inside the house eh pipigilan mo kasi may tension na nga sa house and between you two.

[glamorosa_09]

He said he tried and even prayed for his love to come back. Unfortunately, hanggang ngayon daw, wala pa rin. He just feels “obliged” or napipilitan na lang siya “out of pity”.

Sis, masakit nga yung binitawan nyang salita...

Anyways... what did he do to resurrect his love for you? Did he deliberately invite you to date? Or have a second honeymoon? Get to know each other once again? Did he bring back old memories, etc? O tumambay lang kayo sa bahay doing the same old things, introducing nothing new in your relationship?

O baka naman yung previous affair nya nandyan pa rin, at desidido syang sumama dun? He's just finding an easy way out. Baka he has hidden future plans ha...

I replied to your other thread. Sana gawan nyo muna ng paraan before you call it quits na talaga. At tska curious ako sa "he tried and even prayed for his love to come back."

Meron naman kasi akong kilala, kausap ko talaga sya with her marriage problem. Sinabi ng lalaki sa mga magulang nya (ng lalaki), ayaw na nya, hindi na nya mahal yung kausap ko. At nakikisama na rin yung lalaki sa babae nya sa kabila.

I told the girl na ligawan mo husband mo, papayagin mong mag-marriage counseling kayo. On the side, she also applied the Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood. And thanks be to God, active na silang dalawa ngayon sa Couples Group sa community namin. And weekly na rin silang umaattend ng prayer meeting namin. Ngayon, magka-sis na kami.

Well, I just hope, na ganun din yung mangyari sa inyo.

[kirsten10]

That's a good story sis glamorosa, mine was exactly the opposite. We were in a couples group, having group prayer meetings with other couples, mga 4 years din kame ganyan. Until i found out may other woman pala ang magaling kong asawa. Very frustrating. So fake.

Mabuti na yung nagsasabi ng totoo, kesa naman malaman sa huli na nanloloko lang pala.

Bitter ampalaya lang

[glamorosa_09]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that story, coming from someone who is also active in community.
But then it's not new na rin to hear someone from a community na nag-cheat. After all, religion is still different from spirituality. One may practise it outward, but if devoid inside, wala rin. From Jesus' words, it's  hypocrisy.

[kirsten10]

True, hypocrite. Some people are just like that, i read one of the messages of the b**** and goes like this: i am praying to God na sana di tayo mahuli. Really?? pray to God for an affair. Unbelievable!

[ayka]

i read one of the messages of the b**** and goes like this: i am praying to God na sana di tayo mahuli.

This woman/person is shameless. She has no heart. More so, no soul. 

Thanks, sisters.

To tell you the truth, part of me wants him to stay because I'm still hoping we could work on our relationship/marriage. The last time we talked nga, our future was unclear. He wanted to leave, I didn't want him to. He wants ME to sort out his leaving. You see, we live abroad now. And he wanted me to arrange his flights, etc. Ang akin lang kasi, up until the end, I'm still the one sorting out things for him. Aalis na nga lang siya, ako pa mag-aayos? Bahala siya. I want to rest from stress. If he wants to leave, edi siya mag-ayos. AYOKO NANG KUMILOS para sa kanya.

Hanggang ngayon, we're still "together". I want to give myself a break and am taking time out for myself. Sa totoo lang, siya naman ngayon ang naglalambing and nag-initiate ng conversations, ever since I started avoiding him and ignoring him. 

He definitely has no affairs this time. But he cheated on me twice already (with the same woman). And I was the one begging him not to leave me. For once, I'm feeling pity for myself and I want to love myself muna.

[The5thElement]

Leave him na and let yourself Live naman...
sinabihan ka na na hindi ka mahal, nagstay ka pa.
nagkaruon na nga ng affairs e, simply telling you, move on na...
look for new love and save yourself from distress..

[The Greatest Is LOVE]

Continue mo lang pag-ignore sa kanya. and dapat move on ka na totally.
iwan mo na yan husband mo dahil kung hindi mauulit lang na lokohin ka pa nyan. Hindi ka na nga mahal e..
sa ganyon wala pa, malay mo kahit wala pala sya phone, sa pinupuntahan nyang resto or any place ang kanyang bagong dyowa...:0

Hanggang ngayon, we're still "together". I want to give myself a break and am taking time out for myself. Sa totoo lang, siya naman ngayon ang naglalambing and nag-initiate ng conversations, ever since I started avoiding him and ignoring him. 

He definitely has no affairs this time. But he cheated on me twice already (with the same woman). And I was the one begging him not to leave me. For once, I'm feeling pity for myself and I want to love myself muna.