Hindi ko na ba sya mahal?

[princessrio]

cayennepepper,

eto siguro sagot ko sa tanong mo.. hindi mo na mahal ang asawa mo.

why? kasi kung mahal mo sya, mapapatawad mo sya. your husband is the reminder of the sin itself. since hindi mo sya mapatawad kahit na ginawa na nya ang lahat, inis ka lang lagi sa kanya and that you are dreading the day that you will be together again, hindi mo na nga siguro mahal. since galit ka, you might have focused more on his words/promises rather than your building again your marriage or your feeling towards him. maybe you've demanded and expected too much also i guess.

maybe if you forgive, you might find the tiny part in you na may pagmamahal pa sa kanya. let it grow.

BUT who are we to tell what you really feel.. ikaw lang makakasagot ng tanong mo.

[Girltalker2]

Iba iba talaga ang mga tao in terms of handling such crisis sa buhay nila. May iba, hindi nila makuhang magpatawad.  Dahil sobrang revolting, insulto sa pagkatao yung nagawa. Ikanga ni TS, tinarantado nya ako. And I must agree.  The moment na sumiping sya sa iba, narealize ko din ito dito sa GT, ginago na nya yung pagsasama ninyo.  I am not in Phils right now and masasabi ko, ganito ang attitude ng mga babae dito.  Mas may self respect and they simply cannot accept it. Kasi nasa kinalakihan nila. And once people know about it, katawa tawa ang itsura nung wife if she still sticks to the situation, kaya hindi nila ma accept. 

Pero, on the other side naman, sa Pinas naman kasi, uso ang pagka martyr ng mga asawa at naglipana naman kasi ang mga kabit at nangangaliwang asawa.  Kaya dapat bilang wife, dapat matuto ka maging martyr at magsirko sirko kahit naka emprente ang asawa sa mga pagkakamali nya. 

TS, puede naman kasi seryoso na ang asawa mo na hindi ka na nya lolokohin at nagbago na naman sya.  Pero hindi lang kayo mag agree pano ihandle yung anak sa labas.  This is where I think the sore thumb is.  You do not see things eye to eye. If you are to accept it, nakaka insulto.  Parang adding insult to injury.

Sorry TS, you are right, mas madaling magsalita na magpaka martyr ka kung wala kami sa lugar mo. Mabigat na problema iyan, anyone who is in your shoes would want it to be resolved kasi ayaw naman natin ipasan iyan panghabangbuhay.  Life is beautiful, hindi worth it magmukmuk ng mga ganyang issues forever.

"Probably the reason why I am still very much affected with this issue is that we have not discussed the possibility that he would still want to see his kid. He avoided talking about it probably because he didn't want me to be reminded of his mistake. Believe me, if he said he wanted to be with his son, I would gladly give him an annullment than be filled with resentment for the rest of my life. Some of you would probably say, "so, what's keeping you from doing it now?" We have a 9month old son who he adores, and my husband keeps telling me na ayaw nya masira pa ang pamilya namin."

Puede.  Nakaka asar naman talaga if the person CHEATED (not honest) nanga before, and yet hanggang ngayon, magtatago pa ba sya ng totoo nyang nararamdaman? Maybe when both of you agreed 5 yrs ago na hindi nga ipapasok ang bata sa buhay ninyo, nag agree lang sya para hindi na pag usapan, case closed. Move on as mag-asawa.  But deep inside him, he just felt things would work out anyway in the future, matatanggap mo rin naman eventually or matututunan mo narin yun i-accept, so kahit hindi nya sabihin sayo ang true intentions nya at the time na nag usap kayo, OK lang.  Parang lumabas, naglie nanga sya by cheating on you, and yet he continuously does so (in terms of his intentions) kaya humantong sa ganyan.   

Sino ba naman gusto makasama ang sinungaling?  So di ko masisisi kung mawawala na ang nararamdaman mo para sa asawa mo.

I guess this is the best time to reflect ano ba ang gusto mo sa buhay mo?  Kung namatay ba ang asawa mo, magiging masaya ka?  Kung nakipaghiwalay sayo? Ikasisiya mo ba?  If not, then mahal mo pa sya kahit papano.  Sorry for the harsh "namatay", kasi I did came to that point, mas magiging masaya ako kung mamatay sana asawa ko. Pero ang masamang damo matagal mamatay, so what I did was just walked out.  And tsaka ko lang nasabi na wala nakong mabigat na pasanin. Again, as I have said iba iba tayo ng pananaw.  May iba, willing magpaka t*nga all in the name of love (ewan ko lang kung love talaga para sa asawa or love of the image of a happy marriage and family kuno).  May iba naman who just cannot take it and just accept na magkaiba kayo ng pananaw and go separate ways. Which one are you?

[Cayennepepper2014]

Girltalker2, hay salamat, finally there is someone who understands how I feel about the situation!

Tama ka, kaya ako buwisit na buwisit sa kanya dahil sa sinabi nya two years ago na baka pwede naman makausap nya ang bata kasi nakakaawa, panting na panting ang tenga ko kasi parang pinagmukha nya kong g**o. Naisip ko yun at sinabi ko yun sa kanya na kung hindi bukal sa loob nya ang pangako nya noon kasi umaasa sya na matatanggap ko ang anak nya sa labas sa paglipas ng mga taon, nagkakamali sya. The only reason why I did not make his life hell for the past five years is the fact that I was not daily reminded of his mistake. Tama ka din princessrio,, sya mismo ay reminder ng mistake nya, tapos dadagdagan pa nya ng isa pa? Maaaring mahal ko pa sya kahit di ako sigurado, pero eto ang sure ako, mahal ko ang sarili ko at hindi ako masokista. Akala nya siguro, after five years, magbabago ang feelings ko sa bagay bagay at dun sya nagkamali. Sabay bawi sya nun marealize nya na hindi pala. Hayyyy! Itinatry ko mahalin sya ulit pero pag naaalala ko yung mga banat nyang ganun, nabubuwisit ako.

Ngayon tuloy, pag tinatry ko na ibalik ang amor ko sa kanya naiisip ko tuloy, baka after five years, mag open sya ulit ng ganun sa akin, aba eh,   hindi lang ako ang mawawala sa kanya pati na anak ko. I'd rather let my baby believe na namatay na ang tatay nya kesa ipakilala sya sa kapatid nya sa labas at sa ama nyang walang isang salita.

Now, kung pangangatawanan nya ang napagkasunduan namin at wala syang ibang katarantaduhang gagawin, willing akong pilitin ang sarili ko na mahalin sya ulit para na din lang sa anak ko at sa ikatatahimik ng pamilya namin.

[mooncake and leaves]

on your question-- hindi ko na ba siya mahal? mahirap sagutin because you're the only one who can truly answer that. at best, people can give you an answer that has a lot more to do with their own lives. ikaw lang talaga makakaalam.

you're right-- mahirap for us to truly place ourselves in your position because we're not in the same boat. some of us have never been in that position. but anger is universal. so are pain and betrayal and the idea that a child should never be deprived of a relationship with his parents. kaya hindi mo rin naman masisisi na people found all these conditions you've set for your husband disagreeable because lahat naman tayo, may sinalong pasakit in our lives. you also have to understand that you came here and you were asking for everyone's opinion, tips on how to get back your love for your husband. and so far, the only advice you truly approved of was the one that validated your anger. at this point, i'm not sure if you want advice on how to patch things up with your husband or reassurance that if you leave him, you're not a bad person. you're not a bad mom or wife. it's justified. the answer to that is no. you're not a bad person for pursuing a path that is truthful to you. i think if you want out, you should get out. i never bought into the idea that couples should stick together for their kids. i think kids deserve happy parents, even if that means they're happy apart.

but therein lies another problem.

i have people in my life whose marriages ended and even after they have moved on with their lives, they've found new loves and got married again, the anger is still there. it sneaks up on them all the time. hindi kasi nila talaga, hanggang ngayon, napatawad yung exes nila.

i don't doubt that you had a hard time with your husband's infidelity. but you said you didn't make your husband's life hell. if you ask me, if he was any man at all, his life apart from his child, being made to choose between his own kid and you must have been hell for him. i don't sympathize with him but it seems to me like he's been on his toes all this time. i think you truly haven't forgiven your husband. you keep saying it's about him breaking his promise but that promise wouldn't have existed in the first place if you have truly accepted him after he cheated. forgiveness is unconditional.

maybe you can seek professional help. i think you need to exhaust all possible means for you to get rid of your anger and to truly forgive your husband and yourself. even if at the end of it all, the only option left is for you to walk away. at least masabi mo sa sarili mo na you tried everything and that you have peace of mind.

best of luck to you.

[langley]

My husband too nung nagkahiwalay kami nagka-anak sa iba.

Okay na ang pagsasama namin ng asawa ko ngayon. Dati hindi, magulo. Ang anak niya sa iba? Oo, tinaggap ko. Hindi naman nakatira samin at sobrang minsan lang nakikita ng asawa ko. Actually last May lang ulit nakita ng asawa ko after two years, nilayo kasi ng nanay. Nung sinabi nga sakin ng asawa ko na imi-meet niya anak niya medyo kinabahan ako nun. Tanong ko agad, sino kasama nung bata? Anong gagawin niyo? magbibigay ka ba ng pera? Sinagot naman ng asawa ko. Ang ginawa ko para mawala 'yun medyo konting kaba ko binili ko ng gift yun bata. Sabi ko sa asawa ko ibigay niya sa anak niya kasi two years niya din di nakita 'yun.

I do not dwell on the past sins and mistakes of my husband especially now na maayos na ang pagsasama namin. Yes minsan medyo may konting kaba pa din ako pero wala lang di ako nagpapa epekto. I do not want to be paralyzed by fear. Kung gusto makita ng asawa ko anak niya, go, I trust my husband. Kung gusto niya patirahin kasama namin, okay lang, the more, the merrier, especially I have two boys at wala pa ko daughter at babae un anak niya dun.

Ganun lang kasi ako. Madali ako magpatawad. Kasi pag di ako nagpapatawad, ako lang din nahihirapan. Mabigat sa loob. Nakakapangit pa. 

[Bab_z]

Sis,

Tingin ko, dapat hindi mo na lang sya tinanggap noon, kung hindi mo kayang tanggapin yung ginawa nya sayo. Kasi bali-baliktarin man natin ang mundo, nag-cheat na sya sayo before at nagkaanak sya. I know, sobrang sakit non. Naawa ako sa kalagayan mo, kasi mahirap to be in your shoes right now. Pero mas naaawa ako dun sa bata na lumalaki na walang kinikilalang tatay.  Kasi gaya nga ng sabi mo walang kinalaman yung bata sa pinaggagawa ng mga magulang nila.

Sana Sis, you look past your hurt. Kasi ang tingin ko, puro yung sarili mo lang ang iniintindi mo.. yung sakit na nararamdaman mo, yung gusto mo... Pano naman yung ibang mga tao sa paligid mo? Hindi lang ikaw ang nasasaktan sa ginagawa mo. Yung asawa mo, yung anak nya sa iba, yung anak nyo mismo, lahat sila, naaapektuhan dahil hindi ka maka-move-on.

About sa question na kung mahal mo pa ang asawa mo, tingin ko, mahal mo pa kaya nag-e-effort ka pang tanungin ang ibang tao kung mahal mo sya. Masyado ka lang consumed ng galit sa kanya kaya bitter ka. Pilit mo lang pinapatay yung nararamdaman mong pagmamahal, dahil malaki ang atraso nya sayo.

Sabi nga nung kantang "Buksan" 
Ang pusong may galit, hindi maaaring umibig.
Bulag sa wasto, alipin ng isip...

Anyway, panoorin mo yung "Fire Proof".  Maganda yung movie na yun about sa mag-asawa.
I wish you happiness, Sis. Sana mahanap mo talaga kung anong gusto mo sa buhay...
At sana, gawin mo kung ano ang sa tingin mo ang tama.  Pakiusap lang, maawa ka din dun sa anak nya sa labas. 

[Girltalker2]

Girltalker2, hay salamat, finally there is someone who understands how I feel about the situation!

I can understand because I was in the same situation.  Pero puede iba parin ang pananaw natin sa mga bagay bagay, it is really up to you to weigh things carefully and see what is best for you and your child.

I do not dwell on the past sins and mistakes of my husband especially now na maayos na ang pagsasama namin. Yes minsan medyo may konting kaba pa din ako pero wala lang di ako nagpapa epekto. I do not want to be paralyzed by fear. Kung gusto makita ng asawa ko anak niya, go, I trust my husband. Kung gusto niya patirahin kasama namin, okay lang, the more, the merrier, especially I have two boys at wala pa ko daughter at babae un anak niya dun.

Ganun lang kasi ako. Madali ako magpatawad. Kasi pag di ako nagpapatawad, ako lang din nahihirapan. Mabigat sa loob. Nakakapangit pa. 

Sis, isa ka rin nga sa mga kahanga hanga. Because God has been on your side. He has been good to you at dapat lang na i-embrace mo din ang blessings na binibigay nya sayo.

TS, I walked through Langley's paths before.  Yes, I attempted to make our marriage work by accepting his bastard.  Ako pa mismo ang nagvolunteer, I want to raise that kid.  Ang reason ko?  Kadugo parin sya ng asawa ko (mahal ko that time), and I do not want to have future problems na pag lumaki iyan ng addict, eh magiging sakit din ng ulo ng asawa ko.  I had a vision na tatanda kami together and my plans were around our family.

And I only needed 1 thing. His love.  Sobrang pathetic di ba?  Sinasabi nya. Oo. May flowers?  Oo. Pero patuloy parin ang pambababae nya, 1 steady mistress na binahay at maraming flings.  Kaya kahit anong pagbibigay ko, wala syang binigay para sa relasyon namin.  It just had to come to a point na I had to leave the marriage otherwise, ako mismo ang masisira. 

And sis Langley, you are right. Kung ikaw ang puno ng galit, ikaw ang lugi.  You have to forgive, para din iyan sa sarili mo.  Kaso paano?  Si sis Langley, she was able to forgive by accepting her hubby ng buong buo. Eh maayos naman kasi ang asawa nya, tumino din naman.  Ako,  I learned to forgive, the hard way.  I learned to forgive, only after mga 4 years of separation. Pero habang na andun ako sa marriage, kahit na I was ready to forgive, di ko magawa. Sabi ko ok na, then may makikita na naman akong inconsistency sa mga sinasabi nya.  So magagalit na naman ako.  Sobrang cycle.  Iyak lang ako ng iyak.  Walang remorse or pagbabago on his part. So sa akin, nakapagpatawad lang ako nung hiwalay na kami at tanggap ko na na t*r*ntado, g*go at sinungaling sya na tao. So just let him be, and I live my own happier life without him.

So you can see how both can work on your favor.  Kaso kelangan mo i-weigh kung gusto mo magstay or move on.  Kasi di biro magdecide. And somehow, you have to forgive, para din sa ikasasaya ng buhay mo.


 

[imbisibol_]

I'd rather let my baby believe na namatay na ang tatay nya kesa ipakilala sya sa kapatid nya sa labas at sa ama nyang walang isang salita.

wow, you are harsh.  i think you can never truly move on until you accept your husband's child.  the child, whether you like it or not, is a part of his life.  i don't know which one of you has the harder hurdle to overcome.  you- who will never truly be content and will forever be looking over, behind, and beyond your shoulder to keep your husband in check.  or him- who needs to grow a pair and in the first place should have absolutely refused to be made to choose between a wife he has asked forgiveness from and a faultless illegitimate child. 

[Janelc]

I sympathize with you sis TS just like you nagkaroon ng kabitch si hubby during one of his visits sa pinas (we live in the US) and got her pregnant.  Just like you hindi ko matanggap ang bata although pinatawad ko si hubby sa kanyang pagkakamali I don't think I have forgiven him 100% it takes time.  I did tell him that I don't want to have anything to do with his bastardo.  He is financially supporting him at para sa sa akin dapat sapat na yun.  I dread the day na ipapakilala niya ang batang yun sa mga anak ko and usapan namin saka na pag matured na ang mga anak namin.  Sa ngayon kung tatanungin ako ayokong dumating ang araw na sponsor niya ang bata para makapunta dito sa US over my dead body!  Maybe maaring magbago ang isip ko someday but for now this is where I stand.

[Cayennepepper2014]

Hay naku, I don't think anyone will believe me if I say I don't hate my husband's kid. Pero I am not keen on bringing him into our life because aside from me being reminded of my husband's sin, knowing the kabit, marami pang maaaring mangyari. The kabit might use the kid to wreck us, just like she used the kid to keep my husband from coming home. Hindi ko makakalimutan na inaway away pa nya ako noong nalaman nya na binalikan ako ng asawa ko. Pati nanay ko idinamay pa ng walanghiyang nanay ng kabit nya. I don't think I will be able to get over what they did to me. Ginulo nila ang buhay namin noon. Pinagbantaan pa na ipapakulong ang asawa ko. Pati nullification ng bigamous marriage nila gusto icontest. Eh sira ba ulo nila, pano mo icontest yun kung ikaw din guilty dahil yung malanding kabit, me asawa rin naman. Sabi pa ng babae magsama din sila sa kulungan. Tumigil lang sila nung narealize ng babae na wala na talagang pag asa ang asawa ko na balikan sila at hindi ako bibitaw sa husband ko. Pati sa friendster ng babae noon, magpopost ng pic ng anak nila with caption na "bulok ang daddy ko, or walang kwenta ang daddy ko." They tried to make our reconciliation difficult for us. Siguro one of the reasons din kung bakit ayaw na buksan ng asawa ko yun topic about the kid noon kahit na siguro gusto nya pa, kasi masyadong kumplikado ang buhay namin noon.

Marami sila ginawa para magkasira kami ng husband ko ulit so I will not give them any chance na makapasok sa buhay namin ngayon lalo na at me anak na kami. And narealize ko, I won't budge even if that means i-judge ako ng iba dito na makasarili ako. I am just protecting my family.

Yun ang rason kung bakit pinipilit ko ang sarili ko na ibalik ang amor sa kanya kahit nahihirapan ako. Mahal pa rin naman kasi ako ng asawa ko, at gusto pa rin naman nya na magstay kasama namin, at wag masira ang pamilya namin. Pinakikiusapan nya ako na ibalik ko ang dating ako, pero after what I went through when he abandoned me, and the sh1t  that I had to put up with when I took him back, tapos naisip nya na ipalasap sa akin ulit yun kumplikasyon sa buhay namin na bunga  ng kagaguhan nya, ang hirap. So ang problema ko ngayon eh pano ko aayusin ang sarili ko para maging happy ako ulit with him at para na rin lumaki anak ko na nakikitang mahal ng nanay nya ang tatay nya. Maaaring in time, I will be able to bury this anger pero gusto ko sana soon, kasi magkakasama na kami ulit sa August. I want to be the wife I used to be to him lalo na ngayon, nagkakaisip na ang baby namin.

I am sorry if I only want to sacrifice for my kid and my family's sake. As long as my husband tells me kami ang pinipili nya, then, ok na sa akin magpakaselfish. Kung hindi sya kumpleto dahil hindi nya nakakasama ang anak nya sa kabit nya, it's his own hell and he should deal with it. Anyway alam naman nya what is at stake. I have my own hell too and I am trying to fix it. But I won't risk na masisira ang pamilya ko para lang pagbigyan sya. Sinira na nya kami dati, kung sisirain nya ulit dahil ipagpipilitan nya ang gusto nya, it is up to him. Sabi ni mooncake and leaves, my husband has been on his toes all this time. Siguro nga, but he should also have foreseen that before he came home. And for someone who made a big mistake, masaya pa rin naman sya kasi wala naman akong naririnig na reklamo, at wala naman tell-tale signs na discontented sya sa buhay nya with me. Masaya kami until the time na nag email sa kanya kapatid nya out of nowhere. Dun lang naman nagsimula ang coldness ko sa kanya. I just wanted to be prepared enkaso magpipilit sya. Kung hindi nga siguro ako nabuntis baka iniwan ko na sya dahil I really felt betrayed. Ang problema nga lang even when I got pregnant, di ko naovercome yung inis, iniset aside ko na lang muna kasi ayoko maapektuhan ang pagbubuntis ko. Tapos after ko manganak, ayun nagresurface na naman, hanggang ngayon. So If he is willing to risk what he has with us now para sa anak nya sa labas, siguro nagkamali talaga ako na tinanggap ko pa sya. But if he chooses to live up to his promise to me and be a good husband and father to our child, even if he has to be a bad father to his bastard child, and  i am willing to bury my pain and resentment and be a good wife to him kahit ako nahihirapan. Sabi nga, pinakamahirap kalaban ang sarili.

[princeza08]

for TS: i understand naman how you feel sis, mahirap talaga once na nawala yun trust and naka experience ng betrayal, parang ang hirap na ibalik nun dati. pero the best advice i can say to you, is just to pray hard, ipagdasal mo lang na unti unti mawala yun pain na nararamdaman mo, hindi naman kaagad agad mawawala yan, pero at least kahit paunti unti, nababawasan. just lift things up to the Lord! magiging maghaan din ang lahat para sayo... sabi mo nga ginagawa mo ito para sa family mo. i believe makakaya mo yan!

[Cayennepepper2014]

My husband too nung nagkahiwalay kami nagka-anak sa iba.

I do not dwell on the past sins and mistakes of my husband especially now na maayos na ang pagsasama namin. Yes minsan medyo may konting kaba pa din ako pero wala lang di ako nagpapa epekto. I do not want to be paralyzed by fear. Kung gusto makita ng asawa ko anak niya, go, I trust my husband. Kung gusto niya patirahin kasama namin, okay lang, the more, the merrier, especially I have two boys at wala pa ko daughter at babae un anak niya dun.

Ganun lang kasi ako. Madali ako magpatawad. Kasi pag di ako nagpapatawad, ako lang din nahihirapan. Mabigat sa loob. Nakakapangit pa. 

Sis, nagkaanak ba sya bago kayo naghiwalay o hiwalay na kayo ng nagkaanak sya?

Sana kasing lawak ng pang unawa mo ang pang unawa ko at sana dumating ang panahon na matatanggap ko rin ang anak sa labas ng asawa ko. Pero kagaya ni janelc, as of now, ayokong ipasok pa sya sa buhay namin. At malaki ang chances na hindi na yan mangyayari pa. Unang una, kahit asawa ko ayaw ipaalam sa anak namin paglaki nya ang nangyaring kaguluhan noon sa buhay namin, so ano gagawin namin kung anjan na yung isang bata sa life nya? How are we going to introduce the mistress' child? Kaya di ko maiwasan magisip, what does he really want? O baka nga nasulsulan lang sya ng kuya nya kaya all of a sudden, naisipan nya yun? O baka din nasabi nya yun kasi kalalaglag lang ng anak namin during that time at naguilty sya na nawala anak nmin kasi pinabayaan nya anak nya sa kabit nya? Maraming justifications na ang ipinasok ko sa isip ko para lang maintindihan kung bakit nya sinabi yun after 5 peaceful years after our reconciliation. I really dont know kasi ayaw na nya pag usapan ulit ngayon. Para daw sa kanya he had made his choice (ako,noon) and all he wants now is for me to be the way I was before the issue so that we can live happily with our little one.

Princeza, I keep praying for this feeling of resentment to end. Ayoko rin ng ganito ako. And to be fair naman sa asawa ko, mabait naman sya at ginagawa naman nya ang makakaya nya para mawala ang ganitong feeling ko towards him.

[bonita111809]

ts, tama ka. mahirap kalabanin ang sarili. kaya kahit ano pang sabihin namin dito, at the end of the day ikaw pa rin ang magdedesisyon para sa sarili mo. sorry naman kung hindi ko nasagot ang tanong mo. pero eto yun eh. HINDI MO NA SYA MAHAL. pero if you're willing to bring back the old you, exhaust all your resources. gaya ng sabi ng isang sissy dito, seek professional help. siguro pwede mong gawing last resort yun. posibleng may post-partum blues ka. hindi natin alam.


pero the best option you can do now is to talk to your husband of how you really feel about him. mahirap yung ikaw lang ang nakakaalam nyang nararamdaman mo. hindi manghuhula ang asawa mo. magugulat yun kapag dumating sya at sobrang cold ang treatment mo sa kanya. dapat nga ang asawa mo ang unang kinakausap mo at hindi kahit na sino dito. after all, sa kanya ka galit. pero sabagay, may mga taong hindi kayang makipag-usap ng heart to heart sa taong kinaiinisan nila. if you're willing to fake it naman, pwede din namang wag mo nang sabihin at kimkimin mo nalang sa sarili mo. then plan a trip na kayong dalawa lang. go back to the early stages of your relationship, nung mag-jowa pa lang kayo. umasta ulit kayong mag-jowa. yun eh kung willing ka mahalin sya ulit.


the key to your peaceful living is forgiveness. kahit sabihin mong napatawad mo na sya, uulit ulitin ko sayo, hindi mo pa sya napapatawad. nagpatawad ka kuno, kasi may kondisyon ka. the moment you gave conditions, it's already a tell-tale that you don't truly love him. ang love dapat selfless at unconditional but not to the point that you will let him abuse you. a man can't deeply love a woman who let's him abuse her and treat her as a door mat. sabihin na ng iba na martyr ang tawag dun, pero para sakin ang babaeng nagpapatawad ng buo sa pagkakamaling ginawa ng asawa, lalo't isang beses lang naman ay yung babaeng talagang matapang at may tamang pag-intindi sa salitang unconditional love. hindi naman applicable ang word na martyr sa ganitong sitwasyon. martyr's are people who are being killed for standing firm on their beliefs, most often spiritual beliefs. so paano naging martyr ang babaeng nagpatawad lang sa asawang nagkasala? haha!

siguro nga naging firm ka sa aspetong ayaw mong abusuhin ka nya. pero hindi mo na sya mahal eh. ang tingin ko, pride mo ang nangibabaw nung time na bumabalik sya sayo. habang lalo kayong ginugulo nung kabit, lalo mong gustong mapatunayan na ikaw ang mananalo at sayo pa rin uuwi ang asawa mo. it was more like a competition to you.


kung hindi ka sana nagbigay ng mga kondisyones, siguro matiwasay kayo ngayon. nag-oblige ang asawa mo dun sa kondisyon na binigay mo kasi mahal ka nya. and he will do anything to win you back. even if it means that he be a useless father to his child. pero believe me when I tell you, hindi yun ang gusto nya. kaya nya sinasabi sayo ngayon na ayaw nyang makilala ng anak nyo ang anak nya sa labas at pati malaman ang gulong nangyari dati, kasi ayaw mo eh. again, he's saying it out of love. kung anong makakapagpasaya sayo, yun ang gagawin nya. even if it means he sacrifice his own happiness.


and now sasabihin mong mas mabuti pang sabihin mo sa anak mong patay na ang tatay nya kesa makilala nya yung kapatid nya sa labas at yung tatay nya? wow. so immature of you. wala kang karapatang gawin yan. iba ang relasyon ng asawa mo sayo at relasyon nya sa anak nya. ikaw lang ang niloko nya, hindi ang anak nyo. base sa sinasabi mo dito, mabuti syang ama sa anak nya. who are you to take away your child's father away from him/ her?


maybe at sana tama ako, nasasabi mo lang ang mga bagay na yan dahil galit ka. kasi kung seryoso ka sa sinabi mo, parang napakasama mo naman yata. oo nasaktan ka. pero matagal na yun di ba? jan pa lang sa sinabi mong yan, kitang kita na hindi ka pa talaga nagpapatawad at may galit ka din dun sa anak ng asawa mo sa labas. kaya oo tama ka, I don't believe you when you said you don't hate your husband's illegitimate child. that's a load of bull.


anyway, I just hope and pray na maka-move on ka na. ipagdadasal ko na sana pawiin na ng nasa itaas yang galit sa puso mo para makapagpatawad ka na ng buo. ipagdadasal ko din na maging mabuti ka nang asawa sa mister mo kasi napaka-unfair naman kung sya lang ang nagmamahal at yung pagmamahal nya na yun eh hindi nasusuklian.

[Cayennepepper2014]

Bonita, he doesnt want our kid to know about his mistake kasi ayaw daw nya masira ang pagtingin ng anak namin sa kanya. Not my words... His...

[bonita111809]

Bonita, he doesnt want our kid to know about his mistake kasi ayaw daw nya masira ang pagtingin ng anak namin sa kanya. Not my words... His...

magiging masama lang yun sa paningin nya kung hindi nyo ipapaintindi sa kanya kung anong nangyari noon. people make mistakes. hindi dyos ang mga lalake. let's stop this mind set that men shouldn't sin just because they're married because in reality nangyayari talaga yan sa ibang mag-asawa. accept the fact that your husband has imperfections just like you.

acceptance and forgiveness, yan ang nararapat na gawin mo.

did it ever cross your mind that maybe he's just saying things because it will make you happy? he's not being his own self. kasi kung ayaw nya talagang pumasok sa buhay nyo ang anak nya sa labas, why did he bring it up after 5 years? gusto nyang kahit papaano makilala nya ang anak nya at maging ama sa kanya. and he can't do it kasi yung taong mahal nya, hindi tanggap yun.

your husband will love you more if you open up yourself and make peace with his past. hangga't hindi mo yun natatanggap, hindi magiging maayos ang pagsasama nyo.

[Cayennepepper2014]

Thank u sa comment mo..

Alam ko ang ibig mo.ng sabihin. Pero hindi mo maiintindihan ang nararamdaman ko dahil hindi mo naranasan ang sitwasyon ko. You look at things behind rose-colored glasses. Maybe because you have not been betrayed yet. I do respect your views though.

I feel like just because I am in this mindset, I am being judged as selfish, narrow-minded and unforgiving by those who are happy,madly in love and idealistic. So I would like to ask the views of those who have been hurt and moved on. Or still hurting but wants to move on... Para kasing yung mga tao who tells those people na namatayan that they know how it feels to lose someone and yet they still havent experienced it... They have an idea, but believe me, unless you have experienced losing someone you love, you have no idea. and this line from these well-meaning people doesn't help at all.

So salamat sa views mo, pero I would rather believe what my husband told me, than believe otherwise... Kasi yung mga sinasabi mo sa akin? Lalo lang nakakawala sa amor ko sa husband ko. anyway, salamat.... Maybe one of these days, I will learn to look at things like you do. But right now, this is how I deal with my pain. Sorry if I am offending you.

[caterpillar-girl]

cayenne, here are some things you can do to try and bring back some feelings for your husband.

1) Fix up your home. Change your furniture, clean your house, paint your walls, etc. When your husband gets home, there will be new energy around the house. Sometimes new surroundings can help change our mood and our mindset.

2) Fix yourself. Get a new hairstyle, buy new dresses, exercise. Again, it's just a matter of instituting little changes. Who knows, "new" wife, new relationship dynamics.

3) Plan things for you and your family when he gets home. That way you have something to look forward to. Plan things just for you and your husband as well. Share these with him so he has some thing to look forward to also.

4) Everyday, list 5 things you love, or used to love about your husband. Focus on those. Make it a habit to focus on the positive things. Just force yourself to list 5 things about your husband. It doesn't have to be grand. Even the small things will help. It's actually the small things that matter anyway.

Having said all these, I think these are just somewhat superficial things you can do to try and make yourself fall in love with your husband again. I think you'll agree. There are other, bigger issues to be addressed. Personally I think you were right about some things, and wrong about other things.

You were right when you said walang isang salita ang asawa mo. And you were right when you said sya ang sumira ng pagsasama nyo. Sya naman talaga. At may mga bagay sa mundo  na pag nagkalamat na, hindi na talaga mababalik sa dati.

However, I think you would be wrong if you think your husband's burden will be his alone to bear. I too would find what your husband did unforgivable. And I too would not be able to accept his child. Our difference is that I think I would have just let him go to deal with the consequences of his actions alone.  What your husband wants is to have his happily ever after, with everyone just getting along. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be a father to his other child, at the same time be a good husband and father to you and your child. It sounds like that's a completely unacceptable prospect for you, so whether or not you're right, whether or not you're being fair, ikaw nga lang talaga makakapagsabi nun.  Your husband sounds completely unreliable, and with his history of abandoning his responsibilities, I don't see how you can be ever at peace.

Good luck.

[bonita111809]

Thank u sa comment mo..

Alam ko ang ibig mo.ng sabihin. Pero hindi mo maiintindihan ang nararamdaman ko dahil hindi mo naranasan ang sitwasyon ko. You look at things behind rose-colored glasses. Maybe because you have not been betrayed yet. I do respect your views though.

I feel like just because I am in this mindset, I am being judged as selfish, narrow-minded and unforgiving by those who are happy,madly in love and idealistic. So I would like to ask the views of those who have been hurt and moved on. Or still hurting but wants to move on... Para kasing yung mga tao who tells those people na namatayan that they know how it feels to lose someone and yet they still havent experienced it... They have an idea, but believe me, unless you have experienced losing someone you love, you have no idea. and this line from these well-meaning people doesn't help at all.

So salamat sa views mo, pero I would rather believe what my husband told me, than believe otherwise... Kasi yung mga sinasabi mo sa akin? Lalo lang nakakawala sa amor ko sa husband ko. anyway, salamat.... Maybe one of these days, I will learn to look at things like you do. But right now, this is how I deal with my pain. Sorry if I am offending you.

I don't find your comment offending at all. I am telling you what you need to know, not what you want to know.

sino pa ba ang hindi naloko sa panahon ngayon? I've been fooled soooooo many times by my old flames. paulit ulit. yung taong kasal na lang ang kulang sa inyong dalawa. live in partner mo na pero sa hiwalayan lang din nauwi ang relasyon. alam ko ang sakit na nararamdaman mo. para sakin walang pagkakaiba ang sakit ng naloko ng bf o live-in partner sa naloko ng asawa. pareho kang nagmahal so parehong masakit. kahit ano pang intensity yan, still masakit talaga.

para saken, hindi ako idealistic. realistic nga ang view ko eh. I'm giving you a little bit of what's on your husband's mind.

it depends on you on how you would take my words. kung nakakawalang amor, nasa sayo yan. depende sa pagkakaintindi ng tao.

I still wish you well Cayennepepper2014. malalampasan nyo rin yan, either nang magkasama or magkahiwalay.

[Girltalker2]

magiging masama lang yun sa paningin nya kung hindi nyo ipapaintindi sa kanya kung anong nangyari noon. people make mistakes.

Actually, ito hirap ko rin tanggapin. Pilit ng tatay nila mag explain, "huwag ninyo gagayahin ang ginawa ko. that is not right." And yet, hindi lang ang isa ang anak nya sa labas WHILE we were married.

So kelangan ba sabihin natin sa anak natin na nagkakamali ang mga tao. Niloko ako. at OK LANG?    I explicitly explained to my kids why I had to file for annulment. I told them, because it is not OK. Huwag kayong papayag na lokohin ng ibang tao.  Especially kung dehado na kayo.  Parang "forgiving" values lang ba ang ituturo natin sa mga anak natin, para lumaki silang matuto maging martyr or OK lang apihin or OK lang mang-api?  Kasi eventually, naman lahat ng tao nagkakamali. So magkamali ka man, OK lang?

hindi dyos ang mga lalake. let's stop this mind set that men shouldn't sin just because they're married because in reality nangyayari talaga yan sa ibang mag-asawa. accept the fact that your husband has imperfections just like you.

acceptance and forgiveness, yan ang nararapat na gawin mo.

Yes, lahat tayo may imperfections.  Pero kasi ang infidelity is a mortal sin. Hindi normal sa isang tao magcommit ng infidelity.  Yes normal magsin. Pero hindi LAHAT ng  tao ay nagiging unfaithful. Tao tayo. We are born with our brains and capability to think. Hindi tayo animal that will just act on our instincts.

your husband will love you more if you open up yourself and make peace with his past. hangga't hindi mo yun natatanggap, hindi magiging maayos ang pagsasama nyo.

Not necessarily. Kelangan timplahin mo rin ano ang personality nung tao. Nasa sa tao kasi yun. Kung pareho nung walang hiya kong asawa, I did that eh, wala din naman nangyari.  In fact, nagworsen pa. Kasi kala nya OK lang, kaya patuloy parin sya sa ways nya.  Tanggap na tanggap ko na, nadagdagan pa ang mga anak sa labas!?!?

So you have to weigh din sa tao.  May iba wala talaganga delikadesa or isang salita.  Pero kung truthful na ang asawa mo, malamang this route may be worthwhile doing.

sino pa ba ang hindi naloko sa panahon ngayon? I've been fooled soooooo many times by my old flames. paulit ulit. yung taong kasal na lang ang kulang sa inyong dalawa. live in partner mo na pero sa hiwalayan lang din nauwi ang relasyon. alam ko ang sakit na nararamdaman mo. para sakin walang pagkakaiba ang sakit ng naloko ng bf o live-in partner sa naloko ng asawa. pareho kang nagmahal so parehong masakit. kahit ano pang intensity yan, still masakit talaga.

Iba ang naloko ng BF at asawa.

Ang asawa, kahit mismo pamilya ng asawa mo, pamilya mo damay.  Hindi lang kayong 2.  Kasi enmeshed na ang mga lives ninyo.  Not only you will have to consider the kids too, pati properties, and those memories?  Dreams na hanggang pagtanda ninyo?  Lahat iyon, wala.

Kung naloko ka ng BF mo, you have MORE options kasi single ka pa, wala masyadong attachment except emotions.  Kung niloko ka ng asawa mo, lahat na sayo naka attach sa asawa mo.  Worse, you also have LESSER options.

Pag niloko ka ng BF mo, broken hearted lang ang makukuha mo. Pag niloko ka ng asawa mo, buhay mo at ng ibang tao ang masisira.

[bonita111809]

Actually, ito hirap ko rin tanggapin. Pilit ng tatay nila mag explain, "huwag ninyo gagayahin ang ginawa ko. that is not right." And yet, hindi lang ang isa ang anak nya sa labas WHILE we were married.

So kelangan ba sabihin natin sa anak natin na nagkakamali ang mga tao. Niloko ako. at OK LANG?    I explicitly explained to my kids why I had to file for annulment. I told them, because it is not OK. Huwag kayong papayag na lokohin ng ibang tao.  Especially kung dehado na kayo.  Parang "forgiving" values lang ba ang ituturo natin sa mga anak natin, para lumaki silang matuto maging martyr or OK lang apihin or OK lang mang-api?  Kasi eventually, naman lahat ng tao nagkakamali. So magkamali ka man, OK lang?


Yes, lahat tayo may imperfections.  Pero kasi ang infidelity is a mortal sin. Hindi normal sa isang tao magcommit ng infidelity.  Yes normal magsin. Pero hindi LAHAT ng  tao ay nagiging unfaithful. Tao tayo. We are born with our brains and capability to think. Hindi tayo animal that will just act on our instincts.



Not necessarily. Kelangan timplahin mo rin ano ang personality nung tao. Nasa sa tao kasi yun. Kung pareho nung walang hiya kong asawa, I did that eh, wala din naman nangyari.  In fact, nagworsen pa. Kasi kala nya OK lang, kaya patuloy parin sya sa ways nya.  Tanggap na tanggap ko na, nadagdagan pa ang mga anak sa labas!?!?

So you have to weigh din sa tao.  May iba wala talaganga delikadesa or isang salita.  Pero kung truthful na ang asawa mo, malamang this route may be worthwhile doing.



Iba ang naloko ng BF at asawa.

Ang asawa, kahit mismo pamilya ng asawa mo, pamilya mo damay.  Hindi lang kayong 2.  Kasi enmeshed na ang mga lives ninyo.  Not only you will have to consider the kids too, pati properties, and those memories?  Dreams na hanggang pagtanda ninyo?  Lahat iyon, wala.

Kung naloko ka ng BF mo, you have MORE options kasi single ka pa, wala masyadong attachment except emotions.  Kung niloko ka ng asawa mo, lahat na sayo naka attach sa asawa mo.  Worse, you also have LESSER options.

Pag niloko ka ng BF mo, broken hearted lang ang makukuha mo. Pag niloko ka ng asawa mo, buhay mo at ng ibang tao ang masisira.

I get your point girltalker2. tama ang sinabi ng asawa mo. ganoon nga ang pagpapaliwanag sa anak. he intended to be a good father kahit nagkasala sya sayo. syempre hindi ok yung ginawa nya. maling mali. at kahit kelan hindi magiging tama. pero nagawa na eh. you can teach your kids to forgive once and when you have already forgiven, you have to move on right after. make yourself better. don't dwell on the mistake coz it would be like the husband is taking one step forward and you taking two steps back. you're going nowhere.

you also have to dig deeper kung paano nangyaring marami syang anak sa labas habang kasal kayo. being forgiving doesn't mean you'll let him trample you. nakukuha sa pag-uusap yan. parang kape yan, timplahin mo para makuha mo yung swak sa panlasa mo. nasabi ko na sa ibang thread dito, no man can deeply love a woman who allows him to abuse her and treat her as a door mat. kapag pinakita mong basahan ka, patuloy nyang ipapagpag ang dumi sayo hanggang sa maging madumi ka na rin.

they know that infidelity is a mortal sin. they know it's disrespectful. pero bakit ginagawa parin nila? they have reasons. also, sex and love are two different things for men. call it crazy but it is what it is for them.

you may have presented your forgiveness differently so he took it as it is. kasi kung nagmakaawa naman sya sayo na patawarin mo sya at talagang nagsisisi sya, he don't want to lose you and he wants to move on. how you treated him after you have forgiven will sum up the equation.

yung lalakeng walang isang salita, normally nagmamanifest na ang ugaling yan on the early stage of the relationship. if he gave his word and he did not stick to it, what happened? why did he not stick to it? you just don't dwell on what he did, you would ask why he did it.

may point ka dun sa pagkakaiba ng naloko ng bf at asawa. pero sa live-n partner i think walang pagkakaiba. sa papel lang siguro. kasi nga you have started living you lives and creating your dreams together. you live in one house, you buy things, even properties, and you even have joint accounts in the bank. I went through all that. kaya para sakin, pareho lang ang feeling ng maloko kasal o hindi.