Are my parents right to resent me?

[Schopenhauer]

This is going to be a long post. Please bear with me po as I really need insights based on objective POVs, especially from people older and presumably more mature than I am.

I'm an only child, 20 years old, and I work as a government employee. I was almost 19 when I finished university so I've been working for almost a year now.

Hindi naman sa nagyayabang ako, but I believe I'm a very obedient daughter. Kapag sinabi ng parents ko, kahit masama sa loob ko, susundin ko just to avoid having a falling out with them. Even my parents brag about this to relatives and friends, na sobrang swerte daw nila to have a daughter as obedient as I am. An example of this obedience: I had a boyfriend in college (na mahal ko at mas mahal ako) na vocal sila na hindi nila gusto for me. Dahil ayaw ko magkaconflict kami ng parents ko, that made me break up with him. I still kind of regret that decision until now, but I don't blame my parents. I'm aware naman even then that they were just looking out for my best interest.

Anyway, being an only child, syempre my parents are overly protective of me. They usually let me go out and have fun naman, but always with limits. Either ihahatid ako at susunduin ng around 9 or 10 PM, or mag-ooffer mommy ko na invite ko na lang sa bahay friends ko to have drinks and stuff (na madalas mangyari nung college).

I'm picky with whom I befriend kaya hindi ako mabarkada. I have a handful of friends na karamihan kilala ng parents ko dahil nga mas gusto nila na sa bahay namin lang kami instead of going out. Hindi ko na masyado nakita ibang friends ko after college mostly because some moved far for their jobs, busy sa work, etc etc. We catch up once in a while, though.

Pero hindi ako mahilig lumabas lagi naman, at kung lalabas man ako, parents ko pa lagi kasama ko. Laging sila. Sa lahat. And I enjoy this, as I have a very harmonious relationship with them naman. Parang magkakaibigan lang kami. Naiintindihan ko rin na sa part nila, sinusulit nila 'yung mga panahon na pwede pa nila akong kasama until I start a family of my own.

So ngayon, ang masasabi ko lang na set of friends ko na active sa buhay ko talaga are my colleagues. We go out for drinks about 2-3 times a month, maaga rin kaming natatapos, about 10 PM nasa bahay na ako. Either one of my coworkers drop me home, or sinusundo talaga ako ng daddy ko. Kapag nasa labas ako, closely monitored pa rin ako ng mommy ko, as in nagtetext etc. There was one time na hindi ako nakareply agad at hindi ko nasagot mga tawag niya, so when I got home she was crying her eyes out dahil akala niya kung ano na nangyari sa akin. After that incident, I always make it a point to constantly check my phone at baka maulit na naman 'yung nangyari.

Anyway, Friday night I went out with my college best friend, then last night I went out with my coworkers. I got home 10:30-ish, tapos sabi ng mommy ko sa'kin parang hindi na raw maganda 'yung inom ako nang inom. Kung gusto daw namin lumabas na magkakaopisina, edi mag mall kami and watch a movie or something like that. Hindi naman daw basis ng friendship ang inuman.

My first instinct was to get defensive. Sabi ko it's not like I go out every night (or every week). Ang huli ko pa nga kakong labas with my officemates before last night was first week of May pa. Even so, hindi naman kami 'yung tipong naglalasing. Just a couple bottles of beer lang tapos kwentuhan. Sabi ng mommy ko, kung kwentuhan lang naman daw pala, edi dalhin ko na lang sa bahay namin officemates ko at dun kami magkwentuhan.

Parang sa part ko, gusto ko rin naman ng ibang environment. Lagi na ngang parents ko kasama ko, tapos on the rare times that I get to go out with my coworkers, dadalhin ko pa sa bahay?

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin sa kanila na gusto ko rin naman ng social life outside of family nang hindi sila nahuhurt.

My mom was also saying something about hindi maganda tignan sa babae ang umiinom lagi (which they had no problem before naman, even in college) at paano daw ako makakahanap ng matinong lalaki kung ganun ang ginagawa ko. I expressed my disinterest in getting married and having kids so medyo agit 'yung nanay ko sa topic ng pag-aasawa ko.

As much as I'd want to move out, I can't. Earlier this year my folks offered to pay the down payment for a car for me to use pagpasok ko para daw hindi ako nahihirapan. Sila mag down payment, tapos ako ang maghuhulog monthly. I agreed. Nung nailabas na 'yung kotse, sabi ng parents ko impractical to maintain two cars since tatatlo lang naman kami at hindi pa ako marunong masyado mag drive so binenta 'yung isang car. Technically, I'm paying for the family car, pero wala silang naririnig sa akin about that. I earn 18k monthly at 10k napupunta sa bayad ng kotse, so hindi talaga ako pwedeng mag move out sa ngayon.

Hindi ko alam kung sobrang sensitive ko lang ba kaya ang sama ng loob ko at pakiramdam ko pinagbabawalan nila ako ng sobra o tama lang talaga 'yung mga sinabi nila. 

[Girltalker2]

Sis, parang hindi tugma yung title mo with your post.  How did your parents come to resent you?

BF during college - yes I believe they are right.

Regarding inom - I also believe they are right.
As parents, we get worried. Ako pa - ayaw na ayaw ko nakikita ang mga kabataan ngayon na akbayan to the max, ni hindi mo na ma-decipher sino ang magnobya or mag asawa or magkaibigan lang. I think dito ako takot. Drinking can impair your judgement at times.  Sa mga nababasa ko dito sa GT about one night stands and fubu, hindi ko matanggap what our society has gotten into. Call me conservative, pero wala talaga sila sa vocabulary ko. And therefore, I would not want this for my children as well, kahit grownups na sila. I don't want to judge other people as they make their own decisions for themselves. Ang concern ko lang ay ang sarili ko at ang mga anak ko.  Well, ito ang reason ko.  Not sure about your parents. Why dont you talk to them and ask them?  Reassure them na you don't go on ONS and fubus or kung anuman ang kinakatakutan nila.

Sorry medyo biased ako. Magka-agree kami ng parents mo.  What makes you think they are wrong? Maybe kung excessive ang being protective ng parents sa anak nakakasakal din.

As parents, it should be our objective to raise our kids with the values we want them to have.  The problem is once they become young adults, kapag hindi na inculcate sa kanila yung values na gusto ng parents, parents would tend to be overprotective, and always hovering around them kahit na nagw-work na.  But at the same time, as young adults, you should also show your parents that you are a responsible person capable of making good judgements such that hindi sila magw-worry.

You are still in your early 20s. Still young.  Cherish every moment with your parents. Time will come you will miss them.

[mslcgrey]

Sis Schopenhauer, i do understand what you feel right now and what you are going through. A lot of people may stage talaga sa life nila na gusto nila ng gimmick at uminom with friends. Tame ka pa nga kasi 10 to 10:30 nasa bahay ka na. For hopefully majority of us, lumilipas din yang stage na yan.

As you have said only child ka obviously very protective parents mo especially babae ka. Siguro what you can do, invite mo mga friends mo sa house para ma-meet sila ng parents mo. Have a movie marathon sa bahay or bbq. Another thing, why don't you suggest sa friends na instead na inom iba naman ang gawin nyo to unwind like magbowling or any sport activity. Baka kasi napapansin ng parents mo na laging inuman yung way nyo to unwind. Syempre worried lang sila na mapadalas yang ganyan so try to change it up.

Hopefully this helps

[ysa.belle]

sis Schopenhauer,

i understand what you are going through. they love you that much that is why they are protecting you.. but it is too much right? they are used to having you at home with your friends are they are afraid that if they let you out all the time, you might get mixed up with the wrong kind of crowd.

parents are normally like that, they want the best for you and sometimes they even want to do things for you all the time but they miss the point that you are already a grown person. maybe it is since you are an only child. they are scared that something bad might happened to you. it is not that i am defending them or what ha, i was once like you and i never listened. pinilit ko yung akin and malas ko lang that i got into the wrong crowd and had a series of mistakes, but i am lucky that my parents are still here for me. now, back to you, 10pm is early pa talaga... hehe maybe you can negotiate a later time na pag uwi with them di ba? Party starts at 10 kase di ba?

mahal ka nila, they just want to protect you. all you have to do is show them that you have the right kinds of friends and that you will forever be their little girl but they have to understand that you need to do things by yourself. they should learn to trust you more.

hope this helps..

[simplengbitchy]

hi, there.. i don't think your parents resent you.. over protective, yes.. resent..

okay lang naman maging protective sa anak.. parents are hardwired that way.. pero sana yung sapat lang.. yung hinde nakakasakal.. yung may space ka pa din to learn on your own about life itself.. may space to commit mistakes and learn from them..

tama sila.. you're still young. sulitin mo muna parents mo.. pero ipakita mo din sa kanila that you are slowly learning your own way..

[simang]

hi sis, you are very young and i understand that you want to explore your social life more. i am not going to comment on the moving out thing, but i have a few points:

with parents like yours, i believe they're always after your best interest. i am very close to my parents as well, pati sa mga kapatid ko, and i value their opinion so much. the problem is, i haven't seen my mom in more than a decade as she works abroad. yes we're close, i can talk to her about anything, and she does the same too, but yung physical presence is not there. paano kung gusto ko sya i-hug? paano kung gusto ko sya halikan? paano kung gusto ko sya katabi matulog? hindi ko magagawa yun. that's why i value my mom all the more. kung titingnan mo ang society today, a lot of people are closer to their friends as compared to their families. mas nag oopen sila sa ibang tao rather than their parents. your relationship with your parents -- what you have with them, is wonderful. not a lot of people have that. i maybe close to my mom pero she never had the chance na ihatid ako or sunduin from my lakad. she havent even met my friends from college, even my boyfriend in person. what i'm saying is that, you have a very beautiful thing going on. naiintindihan ko na you're young and you want to explore the world, but it doesn't mean you have to disrespect or even resent your parents. continue to be your own self and i'm sure your parents will support you.

[iwannabeasupermodel]

naku sis, i cant give you an advice about it. kasi kung ako ang nasa shoes mo, i'd rebel and all that shiz. hahaha. for me kasi, mas okay na magkamali ka na nang magkamali ngayon. experience everything and get all the life learnings you can get from every stumble and fall so that you can better manage your life and other's life as well pag dating ng panahon. sabi nga dun sa nabasa ko dati, you might as well as fall now and keep on doing so and than fall later for the first time and that be your last din.

ako nga, i'm turning 24 this year, and i'm still studying and getting allowance from my parents, and alam ko and alam nila na it will take a long while before i can really be on my feet. but they let me experience it all. i'm hard headed kasi, di ako naniniwala sa mga pangaral, i prefer to learn it the hard way, get hurt, fail and all that to learn it. how much more ikaw, may sarili ka ng salary. sana they take it as a sign na you're no longer a baby (as much as they said na you'll always be a toddler to your parents daw   ) and can do a little this and that.

[snowberry]

Your parents are right. Hindi nga naman tama na inom lang ang ways nyo to unwind.
I have 2 daughters, older than you , and bilin ko rin sa kanila huwag sila iinom even if  if they are with friends . Call me old fashioned pero that is my rule . So far naman wala namang kaming problem. They understand the reason why.

Pagdating naman sa oras , they know na mapupuyat din ako sa pag hihintay kaya di naman din sila nagpapagabi ng sobra. Also, hindi rin weekly sila lumalabas. So, try to understand your parents. Siguro maintindihan mo rin pag naging parent ka na.

[sistah!]

i understand where you are coming from. i think in a way, ikaw ang may resentment sa parents mo, perhaps because you are paying for the family car?

to be honest, this i've come to realize as i grew older. once you start paying for major things like car payments, tuition and monthly bills, you begin to feel more like an adult and therefore, entitled to make decisions. and you're right on that note, you should be able to make your choices. in fact, i think you're handling things very well kasi many other people in your position would simply throw their hands in the air and rebel.

take time to think about where your parents are coming from. it isn't to stifle you or hinder your growth. the fact that they opened up their home to your friends show that they want you to learn how to have fun, to handle your alcohol when you are out so you learn about your limits in a controlled and safe environment. they care for you, dear. and you're only 20. enjoy your time with your folks. like you said, masaya naman sila kasama. spend some more time growing up and doing well. at some point, they're bound to see that you're ready for the great big world out there. by that time, ready ka na financially, emotionally to move out, if that's still something you want.

[agape]

The age of 20-25 is the time you establish your lifelong habits. This is where influence is great on you.

So now that you are 20, a female, and just started drinking out with your friends and having fun.
Your mother is just reminding you what you are doing, she suggested it's better to watch movies
than having drinking sessions. As for me, my young officemates who are older than you, 25+
what we do: food trips, movies, out-of-town trips, badminton, swimming, etc.
We even want to go home early like 9pm so we can have a complete beauty sleep.
Try to look ahead on where you would be 5-10 years from now, if drinking is where you start.

If you really want to experience drinking and getting drunk, rent a room, like a condo unit for an overnight stay. No one has to go home drunk, no one will drink and drive. We get to play XBOX, sing videoke, play Monopoly deal, pusoy dos, whatever games we can think of. That's what we do, usually when someone is having a birthday bash. And I never drink, I'm actually the eldest, and look younger than all of them, and even healthier than most of them. They are happy that I'm there and don't drink because they know I will watch over them. No one smokes, no one does drugs, just clean/safe fun.

We love going to our friends' parents' houses. We've been to Bicol, Lucena, Pampanga, Cebu, Makati, lahat yun ay bahay ng officemates namin with their families. Our age bracket is from 20-ish to 30-ish. Mas tipid pa kami and may mag-aalaga pa samin, cook food for us, drive us to places.

You are young, better to have an open mind, find good influences in your life. I have seen many na maaga napariwara when they started working and followed the wrong crowd. The fact that something as simple as this, just shows that you still have a lot of growing up to do. It's one thing to be just obedient, it's another thing knowing how to make good decisions early in life.

[Irtwisted]

Sorry to tell you this but your parents are treating you like a child. You're a woman with a steady job. You've left school and you sound like a reasonably responsible person. Drinking several times a month sounds like a reasonable way to bond and destress with your friends. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a little more freedom as you grow older.

Maybe you should talk to your parents that you want to have more free time away from them? Being close with your parents is awesome but having life outside of work and family will help you grow as a person. Now is the time to make mistakes (of course I'm not referring to life-altering mistakes). How do they expect you to navigate the adult world if they keep on protecting you from harmless things that you can handle?

[mooncake and leaves]

this is why you need to do a lot of sh*t when you're in your teens. para you can get away with the simple stuff, the stuff you really like, when you're in your 20s. you do weed at 15--think how relieved your parents will be when it's just beer in your 20s.

joke lang.

i think you're a very good kid. like what others mentioned, i don't really see resentment here, from your parents. isipin mo na lang din that they are from a different generation so their worldview is different and they're always going to have an opinion about how you conduct yourself, about your friends, your decisions--everything. older people love being critical of the young. i mean, just look at those memes of people our age looking down on kids who own iPads and smartphones, na during their time, they played with sticks. (yeah, right. sticks. eh uso na gameboy nung 90s no.)

your parents are just like everyone else. they fear change and they fear that those changes will overpower the values they raised you with. give in once in a while to their request of just having your friends at home instead of going out. nakakatakot naman talaga gabihin-- you can't fault them for worrying about that. reassure them but back that reassurance with action. do very good in your work, continue being the good, loving daughter they have and make sure that they see that you can take care of yourself.





 

[ms.rain]

Hi sis, i don't think your parents resent you naman. seems to me you are a very obedient daughter and you put the interest of your parents first before yours.

I'm also an only child. Close ako sa parents ko rin and i always hear family friends saying na ang swerte nila saken. Lol.

Concern lang mama mo sayo sis. Iba na kasi panahon now from their time before. Ibang iba talaga! I am 10 yrs older than you and i can safely say na iba rin panahon namin before compared to now.

Makipag compromise ka sa mom mo. Is once a week na night out ok with her? Bilib nga ako sayo na you are home na by 10 to 10:30pm. Ako naman, cinderella - 12 midnight. Haha. And i call in advance to let them know i will be home late.

Your mom does not drink siguro? kaya hindi nya macomprehend bakit ganun kayo kadalas uminom sa labas (for her, madalas na yun)

After a few years, i'm going to tell you... instead of beer, kape na tinutungga nyo habang nagkwekwentuhan! 😆 then give it a few more years, wine naman. Lol!

[quinone]

i completely agree with Irtwisted.

you could also try looking for new friends who are into sports, para hindi lang kain then inom. play then inom naman