Are you ready for Marriage?

[deathwatchspider]

You can never be ready for these things. Paghandaan mo man yan emotionally, financially, physically, even spiritually, you can never be 100% sure because tama kayo, everything changes. What's good and beautiful now maybe evil tomorrow.

this is true. when we hit our 3rd year together, and im nearing my 30s, people are already asking what are our plans. i said we still need to make ipon and all that. a mentor then said to us na hindi ka naman talaga makakaipon agad. if that is your mentality, then probably no one can ever get married! yung mga pag-iipon daw, darating din yan after you get married. u just need to take a plunge daw. may isa pa, nagsabi na nung bagong kasal daw sila, they only had one table and a bed. later na lang daw sila nakapag pundar talaga ng mga bagay. i guess this is okay din nman for some people. for the majority, i guess. kami, we really made sure naman na kami lang talaga ang gagastos for our wedding kasi we are old enough naman na to do so. plus we also felt that it is a sign of independence na for us to be able to do that. yun palang na mairaos namin ang kasal without getting help from anyone, its a big milestone na for us.  considering na we were both not from well-off families and we are just regular employees.

Again, i know i'll never be 100% ready. In my head, i believe that i can make things work if i choose to, at least that's what has worked for me in the past. Hindi ko hawak ang ugali ng partner ko -- he may be nice to me now then bukas magcheat sya, i dont know -- but what I can handle is my own, so i'll focus on that. I'll focus on the things that i can control.

My point is, everything is a conscious choice. You can't leave your life to fate. You always make choices, and in reality your options are endless. But you have to choose at one point, and commit to that. Choose to make it work for you. If it doesn't work for you, choice mo pa din how you're going to react to it and handle it.

I may not be completely ready for the life after marriage, but i'm choosing that option with this person. I think that's enough reason to get married.

i super love this! true, there are some things that you can never really plan. but every step of the way, u need to be able to make intelligent choices and stand by them. we can only hope for the best. 

[akosila]

Tama nga ang iba na we're not 100% ready sa lahat ng bagay.

Here's my thought on this, ill relate it to job-hunting.

So sa paghahanap ng trabaho, you will be interviewd, that mere decision na nag submit ka ng resume mo doesn't mean na ready ka sa haharapin mong trabaho (for some siguro ready sila pero its not applicable sa lahat ng tao). Some of the employees in that company ay home grown na meaning right after college dun na sila and until mag retire na sila, and some naman after 1 year nagquit na, and some  may balak lumipat ng kahit wala pang 1 year. And after the interview, you got the job and you feel happy and satisfied sa work mo. but after a few months/years, may something kulang, or maybe merong "this is it" feeling. at kahit siguro meron na yung "this is it" feeling, hindi rin natin controlled ang environment ni company, lets say na bankrupt and they need to let go of some employees, unfortunately, isa ka dun. and wala ka magagawa.

I am not sure if I am making a point here hehe.

In my own experience, I am in my mid 20s, I am getting married, and as of now, I can say I am ready because of some factors, and its not about how long we're together, its not because of her money, its not because of her beauty (but of course maganda siya), its not about her attitude (but of course mabait siya maalaga at lahat lahat) but its because of my partner being "her". she's my everything

Madami akong nabasa at marami talagang nag tatanong how to know if they are ready or if pano nila malalaman na yung partner na talaga nila is yung forever nila. and most of the answers ay nagsasabi na mararamdaman mo nalang yun, and they are CORRECT.

Siguro sa ibang tao, they can experience the "this is it" feeling with their partner and later on nawawala, and yung iba naman the other way around.

Hindi mo malalaman ang outcome ng isang bagay pag hindi ka nag risk. Everything is a risk.
There's a risk when you sleep - baka hindi ka na magising,
There's a risk when you eat - baka panis or madumi yung food mo (without you knowing it)
There are risks everywhere. 

[castledoll]

We all have fears. Pero sabi nga nila, not until andun ka na sa sitwasyon (preparing for the wedding, being married, and/or being pregnant and becoming a mom), hinde mo fully masasabi kung ready ka na. situations, hardships, triumphs, success will define you as a person and as a couple.

I was watching an episode of KrisTV few weeks back and ang isa sa mga guests is si Nyoy Volante. He mentioned and I guess lahat (or mostly) e nakaka relate dun sa statement na (non verbatim) "every relationship I have, laging feeling ko naman e 'siya na.'" When we commit ourselves with someone, regardless of our age, we always pray na "Lord, sana po siya na."

Siguro those who are getting married, they both felt like na nalampasan naman nila every problem na dumating sa relationship nila nung mag bf/gf pa lang sila, matibay na yung foundation, ready na mag-asawa. Personally speaking, ayan yung basehan namen. we had a one on one talk few months back kung ready na ba kame, kung sapat na ba yung foundation na na build namen the past 7 years, matibay na ba yun para maging sandalan namen in the future not just as bf/gf but as Mr. & Mrs.

But reality check - ang taas taas ng percentage ng infidelity within marriage, lalo pa sa Pinas.  Bakit kaya? Tinitingnan ko kasi ang ang mga stories ng marriage - ang lalaki ang aga mag asawa, feeling nya nahanap na nya ang "the one", tapos eventually mangangaliwa din.  Di ba mas mabuti nang hindi nya pinakasalan ang asawa nya at nagloko sya kesa dinamay pa ang asawa nya at mga bata (kung may kids na)?

Sabi din nila, men are born polygamous, meron at meron lalake na matutukso. Pero at the end of the day, gaano man ang pagmamahal nyo sa isa't isa, kung walang respeto ang isang tao sa partner at sa relationship, mangangaliwa at mangangaliwa yan. Kung matindi ang self control at respeto ng lalake, kahit pa may sexy at napaka gandang babae ang tutuwad sa harap nya, he'll just look but he'll walk away. And same din naman sa mga mistress, kung talagang "L" lang ang habol mo sa lalake, mag- imagine ka na lang and use your finger or toys. You'll probably not get the satisfaction, pero at least hinde ka nakasira ng pamilya, hinde ka napahiya kapag nasabi sayo na hinde kaya iwan nung lalake yung asawa nya at hinde ka na masasaktan kapag sinugod at sinampal sampal ka na nung legal wife. 

Kaya napaka importante din ng uma-attend ng marriage seminar. We know some people (especially yung mga kinasal sa Pinas, may mga kakilala lang sila na nagtatak nung papel saying they went to the seminar) We went to one, then our parish priest gave us different set of questionnaires. The point is, pag naibigay na sa inyo yung result nung personality test, you and partner can talk about it. As a Behavioural Psychology graduate, mahirap pa din basahin yung partner ko. and kahit nababasa ko siya, I don't want him to think na I'm studying him. baka yung chosen field ko pa yung maging reason ng pag drift away nya saken. at least dun sa personality tests, we had the chance to talk about our differences about a certain life topic/decision, ready at may willing ba na mag give in or makipag compromise?. Mas naintindihan ko where he is coming from, yung mga decisions nya and what he truly feels. at the same time, yung mga ugali ko, through the personality tests, na explain ko sa kanya ng mas maayos.

But then, no one and nothing can really prepare you sa married life. The seminar, the personality tests, will only help you build the foundation in marriage. Mas magiging mas matindi na ang problema pag kinasal na kayo, hinde na pwede yung basta mo na lang iluluwa yung mainit na kanin na sinubo mo na.

Are you ready?  Is he ready?  Kayo lang makakaalam.

I can confidently say, yes, ready na kame. Like I said earlier, we are both confident dun sa 7 years na binuo namen at nalagpasan ang mga problema. right now, wala kameng doubts about each other and sa plan namen.

[deathwatchspider]

for those soon to be married like me. good job. it takes adults to go through thoughts of uncertainties, read on this thread and still know they're ready. 

yey congrats to us sis!  seriously tho, nung canonical interview namin (which ran for more than 3 hours), dun lang talaga nag-dawn on us both how immense this is. the totality of everything. the responsibilities. everything! and i must say, we mutually agreed na it is for us. we cant think of a life that is not spent with each other. i really cant imagine it anymore, actually. hehe

[jentotmd]

true. it is a big decision. way past the ceremonies and formalities.
it is a very uncertain path. wala talaga makakapagsabi kung ano'ng mangyayari.
pero for me, BEING READY does not necessarily equate to having a SUCCESSFUL marriage. so hindi natin pwede sabihin na magpapakaready muna ako PARA SURE.
you get married to each other because YOU ARE READY TO BE READY. Handa ka na magkamali, masaktan, mahirapan and harapin yung hindi siguradong daan na yan. It is, after all, the first time, for mosr of us.
You are ready when you are ready to take these risks.
Sabi nila marriage is only for the brave, I couldn't agree more.

^how blissful naman ganyang feeling sis deathwatchspider

[rikki21]

Wow, very helpful thread. Reading this thread made reflect on myself and my relationship with h2b. And our upcoming wedding.

[Papiseed]

Very helpful ang insights nyo mga sis!

Kanina lang lunch time napagusapan namin ng office mates ko ang 'The Legal Wife'. They asked me what if nasa position ako ni Monica, ano raw gagawin ko.
Personally, ang sabi ko, ipaglalaban ko yung marriage namin. Kahit na magmukha na akong t****, isasalba ko pa rin ang pamilya ko. Pero once is enough. Pag inulit, last straw na yun.
Some people may say, martir or stupid pag ganon ang ginawa. Pero for me, once pumasok ka sa marriage, it's a covenant. Di agad agad nasisira dapat.
Love deserves effort. So hangga't kayang ipaglaban, ipaglaban.

Hope we all get these realizations before jumping the big leap
Sa panahon ngayon andami nang seminars na makakatulong satin. Bawal na nga maging stupid sabi ng iba. We are bombarded with all these informations and outlet and it's up to us how to put these in good use.

[castledoll]

Very helpful ang insights nyo mga sis!

Kanina lang lunch time napagusapan namin ng office mates ko ang 'The Legal Wife'. They asked me what if nasa position ako ni Monica, ano raw gagawin ko.
Personally, ang sabi ko, ipaglalaban ko yung marriage namin. Kahit na magmukha na akong t****, isasalba ko pa rin ang pamilya ko. Pero once is enough. Pag inulit, last straw na yun.
Some people may say, martir or stupid pag ganon ang ginawa. Pero for me, once pumasok ka sa marriage, it's a covenant. Di agad agad nasisira dapat.
Love deserves effort. So hangga't kayang ipaglaban, ipaglaban.

infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. like you, siguro if not all, karamihan naman sa babae or lalake, kapag nag cheat yung partner nila, nakukuha pa patawarin and isalba yung marriage. siguro lang sa sitwasyon ni Monica, ang hirap. nambabae na nga asawa nya, nambuntis pa ng iba.

[Girltalker2]

Very helpful ang insights nyo mga sis!

Kanina lang lunch time napagusapan namin ng office mates ko ang 'The Legal Wife'. They asked me what if nasa position ako ni Monica, ano raw gagawin ko.
Personally, ang sabi ko, ipaglalaban ko yung marriage namin. Kahit na magmukha na akong t****, isasalba ko pa rin ang pamilya ko. Pero once is enough. Pag inulit, last straw na yun.
Some people may say, martir or stupid pag ganon ang ginawa. Pero for me, once pumasok ka sa marriage, it's a covenant. Di agad agad nasisira dapat.
Love deserves effort. So hangga't kayang ipaglaban, ipaglaban.

Interesting.

Ipaglaban ang alin?  Ang marriage?  Marriage is for 2 people.  Kung isa lang ang lumalaban, at ang isa walang paki, it can never work.

Kung may infidelity man nangyari, the husband and the wife should help each other. There should be remorse sa nagkasala at totoong sorry, and there should be forgiveness on the other side.  Hindi puede isa lang.

I guess my point is, early on, kahit hindi pa nangyayari sa relationship ninyo at puedeng di rin naman mangyari, it is good you have this thinking of 'what if' at ano ang gagawin mo. And it is important to be able to pinpoint what are the FACTORS that can help you decide whether to pursue or not pursue the marriage. In my opinion, here are the factors:

1.  Mahal pa ba ninyo ang isa't isa (BOTH ways ha, hindi ikaw lang)
2. Is the cheating party really sorry?  What are the steps he/she is willing to do to make up for his/her mistakes?
3.  It the cheated party willing to forgive? 
4. Are BOTH willing to start anew?

[cecilydee]

I have asked this several times to myself and until now I dont have the answer.

I guess, the question is not "Am I ready for marriage?"

more of: "Do I want to grow old with this guy"

If this is the question, I will definitely and with extended arms say, YES! I do not see myself growing old without him. And thinking about this is making me more excited about the future. Parang nakita ko na purpose ko, that is to have a family with him and to be a mother of his children.

[BDJ]

Moreso, with all the hype of the wedding preps, ang ganda ganda ng mga display ng mga wedding booths/exhibits, parang forever kang masaya.

So agree!!!  Even seeing the dramatic wedding preps and the event itself na sobrang kabobongga at times natatanong ko rin if the couples are really happy for each other. Hindi naman sa nakikialam ako, of course buhay nila yun pero hindi ko pa rin naiiwasan isipin kung hanggang saan hahantong ang marriage nila after having fairytale wedding. Kaya nga nasabi ko sa hubby ko magbongga na lang kami kapag 25th anniversary kasi mas meaningful for me and it is about being grateful sa 25 years of marriage niyo.

In my case hindi ko iniisip or not pessimistic about cheating issue since sa 7 years in relationship no one of us have that kind of issue. Iba nga lang ang naging issue namin lalo na in my case. Good thing for now my hubby knows how to handle the situation in terms of my insecurities and other issues in life. Ang naging problem ko and the argument of course nakafocus about finances naman. Ang masasabi ko I am so lucky enough to have husband who is emotionally strong and spiritually matured kahit na he is not into religious aspect. He is smart enough to solve the problem with me. But of course it has limits. Naiimagine ko lang kung hindi ganyang klaseng lalake ang napangasawa ko then baka maging single mom pa ako nito ng di oras or nasa pagtitiis mode ako.

[simang]

I was browsing through Ala Paredes' old write ups and found this -- it was written 3 yrs ago, I probably have read it already since I've been following her blog since time immemorial, but reading it again at this time felt different.

The Naive Leap

[deathwatchspider]

^ nice read sis.  perfect for this friday morning. 

[Papiseed]

Luckily for us, we really set our minds na simple wedding lang, more on planning for our married life ang ginagawa namin. Especially now malapit na matapos bahay namin, mas naeexcite kami dun kesa sa wedding
Swerte rin ng generation ngayon. Andaming readings/seminars/conference about parenthood, marriage encounter and the like. Kumbaga andaming resources to somehow equip us into entering married life.
We just attended a parenting seminar by Francis Kong and andami naming learnings na natutunan. Ngayon pa lang pinaguusapan na namin ni h2b pano namin palalakihin ang magiging anak namin. It helps to communicate with your partner. That way malalaman mo kung nasa same thinking ba kayo or baka ikaw lang ang may gusto.
And lastly, but most important, dapat God centered ang relationship. It really helps!

[airish_2]

IMO bakit kaylangan mag jump sa marriage na hindi handa financial tapos maghintay na lang sa bigay ng iba, like sa ibang kuwento na nagsimula sa wala eh pagdating ng panahon magiging root din ng away yun.

[ladyglam]

Hi! Hindi pa po ako ikakasal though gusto na ng boyfriend ko. I'm 24 and he's 28.

Ano po yung masasabi nyo regarding sa marriage ng mga couples na na-withstand lahat ng obstacles ng marriage and tumagal hanggang pagtanda kahit na saglit lang sila naging mag boyfriend and girlfriend? May mga cases po na ganun diba.

[caterpillar-girl]

I think there's also such a thing as overthinking marriage. If you find a guy who treats you well, someone na kasundong kasundo mo, why NOT marry him? Assuming of course that you're a reasonably responsible, stable adult and not just a 17-year old with a crush. Hehe. But seriously, I have a feeling that the previous generations understood that better. They got married and just stuck it out. You can take all the quizzes in the world, but as some said here, no one can really be ready, no can really be "prepared" for the realities of marriage - the joy, the pain, the commitment, the sacrifice, the excitement, even the boredom - until they're in it.

And I also don't think that "we've been together so long" is a bad reason for getting married. Is it a bad idea to want to take your relationship to the next logical step, get going in your life? Maybe it shouldn't be the only reason, but it's a perfectly legit reason.

My point is, sometimes things don't have to be so complicated and we don't have to overanalyze our relationships. If answer to "are you ready?" is only an "I'm ready enough," then to me that's already as good a reason as any.

[Awesomecakes]

This is the exact question I have in mind. Thank God I've stumbled upon this thread!

Boyfie and I have been together for 7 years now. We were college sweethearts so imagine all the issues, adjustments that we had to experience from our college life up to now that we're already working. I'm just glad na we survived and going strong pa rin despite all the challenges that we had to go through.

A year ago (on our 6th year anniv) we've come to a point na napagusapan ang wedding. We agreed na it's best time to get married on our 8th year. As a girl of course I was really happy and I really look forward on that day. But as days, months passed, sobrang daming nangyari and I feel like hindi pa namin kaya talaga. There goes his responsibilities sa family niya, trust issues sa relationship namin, etc. Idk pero everything changed in a year. Parang yun excitement niya before to get married, nawala kasi sunod-sunod yun away namin. Idk siguro it's just me?

Well accdg to him, he wants to have enough ipon to get married and to prepare for our life after wedding. He wants us to be financially stable kasi it's a lifetime commitment daw. I got disappointed lang kasi we even looked for a church na and we already set a date tapos ma-move lang to a later date. At first, parang months lang ma-move and ngayon he wants it to be moved next next year. Parang for me, whaaaaat. SERIOUSLY? Tho he has his own reasons naman. Sobrang family man kasi ni boyfie. He's the only guy pa from 6 siblings. It's one thing na sobrang I admire about him. He's willing to do everything for his family kahit finances basta kaya niya sagot niya. Magkaiba kasi kami ng life before, ako kasi nasanay na lahat nasakin agad. So siguro yun point of view namin when it comes to things medyo magkaiba. Sad lang ako pero I know in God's time it will happen naman. Positive lang ako. I know, we still have issues that need to be resolved before getting married.

[jentotmd]

^true that sis, medyo mahirap nga kapag may responsibilities sa family si fiance. mahirap ang situation mo sis. kahit ako magtatampo and i would justify itong mga nangyayari sa isip ko to hold on to that promise.

pero siguro it would help if malalaman niya yung mga worries mo.

[Girltalker2]

Hi! Hindi pa po ako ikakasal though gusto na ng boyfriend ko. I'm 24 and he's 28.

Ano po yung masasabi nyo regarding sa marriage ng mga couples na na-withstand lahat ng obstacles ng marriage and tumagal hanggang pagtanda kahit na saglit lang sila naging mag boyfriend and girlfriend? May mga cases po na ganun diba.

Oo naman, may cases na whirlwind romance, pero nagtagal sila nang masaya together.  Wala sa tagal ng GF/BF yun. Nasa pagsasama ng dalawang tao - gaano nila kakilala ang isa't isa at kung gaano sila ka compatible.  Ito ay every step of the way ha, hindi sa umpisa lang ng marriage, kasi marami sa umpisa lang, then along the way, nagbabago ang tao, because we are human beings, so we socialize, etc, nag iiba ang mindset, thoughts, dreams natin.  So minsan along the way, some couples magugulat nalang sa kinakasama nila na parang di na nila kilala.

So I guess, maganda nga yung read na nishare ni sis simang. I agree, it's the commitment.  Ibang klase ang mga commitment ng mga couples dati.  Yung generation ngayon, kaya maraming hiwalay, kasi ang daming influences na sa iba ibang sides.  Yung commitment ng couple to make the marriage work hindi na nagiging priority, kaya eventually the marriage fails.