We were never compatible..

[paper_doll]

Hello!

Its been ages since I posted in this board, and I just want to ask you guys for your insights..

Here we go..

I am the silent type of girl, he is outgoing, friendly, sweet sa family.. While ako, kabaligtaran lahat.
Masungit ako, pero I was never disrespectful sa lahat ng family,friends or acquiantances nya.
Di ako friendly. I have this aura na people tend to not to talk to me like the way they talk to him. Unapproachable ako. Di ako ganon ka nice, pero polite ako. Nagegets nyo ba? Basta introvert.

Simula pa lang, bago ko sya sinagot, I know we are opposites. End to end talaga. So kung iisipin, di kami magtatagal.. But here we are, approaching our 7th anniversary this year..

But here and there. Problems always strike. Mabilis kami magaway. Even the smallest things. Kasi diba nga he's friendly and all, and he doesn't want anyone to get in the way when he wants to do something. Parang ang hirap nya mag adjust. Pero sometimes I can see na ginagawa nya (pero after the fights, and reklamo ko na he can't adjust sa situation)

Hindi ako ganon kagaling magnarrate ng story. Bear with me na lang. and makakalimutin ako, im telling stories from my short term memory fail brain.

Lately, away nanaman kami ng away. Almost everyday. Kasi inconsistent sya sa sinasabi nya. Kunwari, may sasabihin ako na pupuntahan namin kasi kailangan blah blah. But he would tell me "ay naku mukhang di tayo pwede kasi baka kapusin tayo" (you know the life of an employee, kapag malapit na sahod, malapit na rin maubos pera ) So sabi ko, "o sige dito na lang tayo para hindi gumastos blah blah. Sabi nya sige.. Then maya maya sasabihin nya tuloy na lang daw kami. Tapos pagpapunta na, malalaman ko kasama pala friends nya kaya tinuloy nya.
and one time na nung pauwi na kami, tinanong ko kung magjajog pa ba kami, sabi nya wag na lang daw pahinga na lang. then nung nakita nya na may activities sa lugar nila, bigla nyang sinabi na sasali sya, sabi ko "hala!" tapos biglang nabwisit sakin. sabi ko kala ko ba magpapahinga ka?  sabi nya gustong gusto daw nya maglaro. tapos nagalit na sakin.

Inconsistent yun diba?

Ako kasi pagdating sa kanya, pag may usapan kami, pag nasa work ako, mamadaliin ko lahat tapusin, para di sya maghintay.. di na ko makikipagkwentuhan etc etc. Pero sya, he is always making me wait. Alam ko kasi ugali nya na nakikipagkwentuhan sa mga workmate nya. Tapos minsan aayain na nya ko eh may ginagawa pa pala sya, so ako maghihintay ako.. Lagi na lang ganon, so naiirita na ko,..

marami pang instances ng away namin. pero di ko na madetailed.. vague na sa memory ko.

Basta magkaiba talaga kami. Kasi sya, priority ko sya.. Pero ako, pakiramdam ko sa kanya, ka level ko lang mga kaibigan nya. sinasabi ko yun sa kanya, sinasabi lang nya na di ko sya maintindihan, minsan lang daw.


kagabi nagaway nanaman kami.. maluha luha na ko. i'm thinking.. up to how long na ganito. pag nageexplain ako sa kanya. sama ng loob nya sinasabi nya, pero yung sakin, di nya iniintindi. parang navovoid kasi may reason naman daw yung mga ginagawa nya, or kahit walang reason eh "gusto nya" eh.

we were never the same. if napanood nyo yung till my heart aches end, malaking similarities ng story nila and characters yung pareho samin. ang difference lang is, nagkahiwalay sila kim and gerald doon sa movie.

as a guy, diba may word of honor kayo? bakit ganon, laging pabago bago. pag nagreact ako, sakin pa sya magagalit.

maybe ang root cause nga nito is he is outgoing, and i am just devoted to him..

salamat sa mga magbibigay ng insights..


ps. regarding sa title.. nung minsan na away namin.. nabanggit nya sakin na "minsan naiisip ko na yung compatibility..."

[aquacharly]

Compatibility is not the only/main ingredient for a good-running relationship. 
No 2 people are the same; Opposites attract;  etc etc etc -- pick  your logic.

The key to being incompatible(or compatible, same same) & having a good-running relationship:  Acceptance, with Kindness & Respect.  (Sa cuento mo, you 2 seem to have that for each other --  most of the time.)
Accept each other's quirks, preferences, warts & all.  And, even if you think your way is better, you are superior, your traits more valuable --  be kind and respect the other person's "different-ness", or inferiority.   Never put your partner down.  (Does he do that to you? )
Sabi nga, di ba:  Love is patient, Love is understanding & Love is non-judgmental.  (But since we are just human, oo nga --  there will be lapses. But dapat few & far in between.)

I do not see any betrayal/wounding/abuse in your cuento.  But you sure are getting irritated with his occasional inconsistencies & lack of consideration (at times).
  Well, such is Life:  just because you give this way, doesn't mean you will receive this way too.   Such is Life & relationships.   
Atchaka: we cannot force the people we love to love us the way we want  to be loved.

Am I saying you should just ignore these string of irritants, grit your teeth, suck it up &  just leave it at that?
No, coz it all depends on how YOU can take more of what you now do not like.
It does not matter what we think, what we advise you to do -- the issue is: happy ka pa ba??? 

Let me tell you about a bit of Japanese wisdom.
They say, even a boulder will break/crack under the pressure of continuous single drops of water.
Gaano  ka man katibay nga, pag sa inaraw-araw eh hindi ka tinigilan with small stuff that irritate you --  you will explode/give up/walk away 1 day. 

You are now at a fork, you are in a phase of Discontent.  You cannot ignore YOUR Discontent coz it gnaws at you daily, it is burdensome.  You must find the solution or change of perspective/pananaw you need to deal favorably with YOUR Discontent. Do not expect him to solve YOUR Discontent.  (People are what they are, & people change only when they want to. So do not hold your breathe waiting for him to solve  YOUR Discontent).   

The irritations you cited, are the  symptoms of  Serious  Doubts you need to be clarified on. 
Perhaps (but what do I know anyway), you ask: 
      Does he love me best?
      Am I his Top Priority?   
      Is he most happy  when in my company?   
   
Now, while introspecting, observing & assessing, & calibrating your perspective:   Remember, there is no such thing as a Perfect Relationship.  But there sure is the reality of 2 imperfect persons working most of the time towards an imperfect but  satisfying relationship.

[simang]

Here's an excerpt from an article my Miss Marge Holmes:

Stop asking yourself if he really loves you. Instead, try something different. Instead of asking how true his love for you is, just ask yourself if the love he’s shown you thus far is the kind of love you want for the rest of your life. If it isn’t, then stop trying to explain to him or to anyone else why he just won’t do, and instead just leave him.

[iwannabeasupermodel]

Tama sina sis aquacharly and simang. There are only two questions you need to ask yourself. These questions have been my guiding principle in dating, and In everything actually:

a. Does this make me happy?
b. Am i willing and ready to put up with this for the rest of my life? Why?

And sis, just because he doesnt show love the way you do, it does not mean na he does not feel the same about you. You said it yourself na sobrang opposites talaga kayo.

[insanelypurpleprincess]

I'd like to suggest that you ponder on this thought. You said that you have been together in the last 7 years, so how old are you now? What is your life expectancy? Suppose you expect to live up to 75 and you are 25 now, can you see yourself being with him in the next 50 years? After you get a yes, no or maybe answer.. you can start from there. Also, are these concerns the same concerns you've had since you started out or these are new ones... so that is another factor to look into.

[Girltalker2]

^ whoa! 50 years!   


Sa experience ko naman, natrauma na ata ako. Ito ang kwento ko, medyo extreme.  Pero TS, just see what you think and feel is right for you. Puedeng hindi din naman applicable ito sayo.

I had a long time BF before na eventually naging hubby ko. I ignored the signs kasi love ko sya.  We got married. Then eventually separated ways. Why?  Kasi may babae sya. Pero if you look deeper into the relationship, gaya nang nasabi ni aquacharly, walang respect/understanding sakin ang asawa ko. Sarili lang nya iniintindi nya at never nyako inintindi. Ako naman laging nagpapasensya hanggang sa napuno narin ako.

For example, buntis ako nun, alam mo naman pano magutom ang buntis.  Pag nagugutom ako or na-c-cr, sasabihin nya, di ka ba nakaantay nalang. Hindi sya gagawa ng paraan, kahit mahilo hilo nako. Kapag nasa party kami nung buntis ako, kahit may mga nagsisigarilyo, late na, sige hala kwentuhan at inuman ang inaatupag nya kesa isipin ang kapakanan ko.  And mind you, hindi ako mareklamo, pero pag di nako makatiis, like feeling ko nanghihina nako, that's the time na sasabihin ko sa kanya.  Well these were the times na kasal na kami.  Pero nung BF/GF palang kami, I should have seen the signs. Yun sakto sinasabi mo TS, na pinag aantay nyako. As in, tipong 1-2 hours. Ako naman ok lang mag antay kasi wala naman ako ginagawa, so nalilibang ako by doing other things.  But ang kasabihan nga ng matatanda dati, he should never make you wait - kasi kung pinag aantay ka nya lagi, hindi sya magiging mabuting hubby sayo.  Well, kasabihan lang iyan, di naman ako naniwala, pero now I can say, there's some truth to it pala.

Di naman ibig sabihin forever or 100% di magwo work ang relationship ninyo. Maybe your BF is not yet mature at this point.  Baka pag nagmature sya, mas magkaron sya ng empathy sa dugo nya.  Pero kasi kung nagb BF ka narin, syempre as much as possible, gusto mo ideal husband na para puede na kayo dumerecho sa altar di ba?  So maybe you have to think things through whether you are willing to wait for him to change for the better, if at all he does, or just drop it muna, and shop around for a good and deserving partner.

TS, napansin ko lang na 22yo ka na (sa caption mo sa avatar mo).  So naging kayo nung 15yo ka palang?  Medyo may similarity ata tayo. At that age, nung nagkaka problem kami, ignore ko lang, kasi gusto ko maging kami together forever. We got married when I turned 26yo only to be disappointed.  I was too young when I made a commitment, I did not want to let go kahit na may signs because of sentimental reasons.  Do not ever do that. As you mature, baka mas makakabuti sayo to meet (not BF) other guys para may point of comparison ka. Kung bata ka palang kasi nagBF, akala mo ang galing galing na nya or akala mo ang bait bait na nya kasi wala kang ibang batayan, sya lang ang lagi mo nakikita. Why not subukan mo to meet other guys at makikita mo, kung gaano ka kulelat ang BF mo in terms of treating his girl?







 

[baliwsayo]

Let me tell you about a bit of Japanese wisdom.
They say, even a boulder will break/crack under the pressure of continuous single drops of water.
Gaano  ka man katibay nga, pag sa inaraw-araw eh hindi ka tinigilan with small stuff that irritate you --  you will explode/give up/walk away 1 day. 

+1 to this. Ako mismo ganyan kasi nangyari. Di pala tutuo yung kanta na Love is all that matters. Manghihinawa ka din talaga. Pero ganyan matindi pa siguro pagmamahal mo, magrereklamo ka lang muna. Hintay hintay ka lang teh, darating ka din sa point na yun. Pero kung iisipin mo naman na time is gold.. well, better na medyo mag-isip isip ka na kung gusto mo pa patagalin yan.

[paper_doll]

Thanks sa mga replies nyo po.. I really really appreciate it..

currently, we are in the process of trying to process things in the right way.. like really communicating with each other... but first let me answer your posts..


aquacharly
-thanks sa reply. i've known you (atleast in this forum) for ages. college pa lang ako.. i am hoping na isa ka sa magrereply. and you did. which i am thankful.. cause you always make sense sa mga post mo.  You're right, there's no way in this world na may perfect relationship. lagi at laging may mga rough edges. pero nalelessen yung possibility ng paghihiwalay pag compatible yung couples diba? i mean mga common interest na magiging bond nyong dalawa. recently, reklamo nya sakin to. "may mga bagay na gusto ko gawin, pero dahil sa ayaw mo ginagawa ko na lang magisa" - linya nya sakin to madalas. i can't help it. magkaiba talaga kami. minsan tinatry ko naman sya samahan sa mga bagay na gusto nya like pag magbibilliards sya sinasamahan ko sya. natuto akong maglaro ng dota. i mean, tinatry ko naman. pero minsan kasi may mga bagay na di talaga ako comfortable. di nya lang talaga matanggap minsan.. kanina lang nagusap kami. sabi ko sa kanya "hindi tayo compatible, matatanggap mo ba ko?" sabi nya "tanggap naman kita, kaso ang hirap" nakokosensya na ko minsan na hindi ko kaya maging babae na gusto nya. hindi ako masyadong friendly sa family nya. tahimik kasi ako. pero sya, sobrang friendly sa family ko. thoughtful. sya pa nga sumama sa brother ko na magenroll sa school nya. na sa kanya wired yung money pang tuition ng brother ko. pero ako, [textspeak!] akong thoughtfulness na nagagawa. when it comes to that, saludo ako sa kanya. pero pagdating na lang samin dalawa, ako ang mas dedicated, kaya sumasama loob ko kapag naisasantabi na nya ko minsan... ang hirap basahin ng situation eh. i am happy with him, pero pag ayun na, nagaaway na kami dahil sa mga small things/misunderstandings.. napapaiyak na lang ako.. 


simang
-thanks for the quote. i'll keep that it mind.


iwannabeasupermodel


a. Does this make me happy? - he really makes me happy. my guy is so sweet and thoughtful and protective of me
b. Am i willing and ready to put up with this for the rest of my life? Why? this i cannot answer right away. maybe if i am not the kind of person na sensitive, maybe all the scenarios that i mentioned above are fine with me. but i am, so this is kind of a tricky question

i know he really loves me. but does his love equate to me being his top priority? 


insanelypurpleprincess

hi. i am 26, turning 27 this year (hard to swallow  ) naging kami nung college. blockmates.
as for life expectancy, i can't answer that. but i don't have terminal cancer right now, so yeah. life expectancy of a normal healthy person. these are the concerns i had way way before, he changed, then here we are again. we are going through fixing our issues right now.. sana maayos namin. don't get me wrong. bati kami ngayon. ok kami. monthsary pa nga namin today. pero the issue won't go away if we just leave it at that stage na unresolved pa sya.. so maguusap pa kami..


Girltalker2

im sorry about what to you and your ex. sana naman hindi humantong sa ganon na magasawa kami, tapos pregnant ako pero pababayaan lang nya ko. nakakatakot isipin na pwede ko sapitin yun, kaya paguusapan namin. i think karamihan ng lalaki really enjoy better the company of their guy friends. na mas mabilis sila magsawa sa company ng partners nila kesa sa time na magsasawa sila with their friends? i don't know..

i can't meet other guy and just expect na walang magiging problma samin yun kasi baka maging major problem sya. i think i'll isolate the problem as much as i can. oo wala nga ko nakukumparahan na ibang guys kasi sya yung first bf ko. nga pala, 26 na po ako. 19 ako nung naging kami.

nasa dugo din nya ata yung pagiging people's person. his dad is like that too. mabarkada din. kaya natatakot ako na sana hindi naman maging ganon kung sakali na kami magkakatuluyan. i want to have a life long partner. not a life long stress.

[simang]

Why not try doing something without him? Do seomthing you want to try yourself. You don't have to do everything together as a couple kase. As he said, he chose to do some things on his own, siguro it's time that you try that yourself as well. Of course you don't have to do things that you're not comfortable with. You just have to be out there. Baka kase feeling mo mas 'dedicated' ka sa relationship nyong dalawa as compared to him because your relationship is the only thing going on with your life, while sya, he has many 'extra curriculars'. If that's the thing, then I'd have to disagree with you. Your dedication to your relationhip should include self discovery and improvement.

nasa dugo din nya ata yung pagiging people's person. his dad is like that too. mabarkada din. kaya natatakot ako na sana hindi naman maging ganon kung sakali na kami magkakatuluyan. i want to have a life long partner. not a life long stress.

This one got me. Ang dating kase sa akin nito is that you're wishing na sana hindi na sya mabarkada if magkatuluyan kayo. That's not fair for both of you. For one, if he's naturally mabarkada and outgoing, hindi fair na iwish mong magbago sya for your convenience, dahil mas comfortable kang parehas kayong hindi palalabas. And I'm sure, mararamdaman mo din yun if ikaw naman yung gusto nyang pilitin para sakyan ang mga hobbies nya. Another thing is that it will be unfair to you to have to live with someone that you don't fully appreciate. Yan ang maling mindset ng mga babaeng nagpapakasal with hopes na 'baka sakaling magbago sya pag mag-asawa na kami". You just can't force that, it's part of his personality.

Being in a relationship is hard in itself, so don't make it harder by not being with someone who doesn't get you. I can't stress that enough. Ibang klaseng happiness and contentment ang maeexperience mo when you find that one person who gets you, and vice versa. I swear by that. I had this relationship before where he was so sweet, he's very dedicated to our relationship, but I always find something to add na "kaya lang..." -- kaya lang, mas matalino sya saken he makes me feel incompetent sometimes, kaya lang he has a temper, kaya lang he gets mad when I go out with friends -- but he loves me, really, I can't question that. I'm a social person and I like experiencing new things, kaya lang he gets mad when I want to do something 'crazy'. I realized I cannot put up with a man like that my whole life. I want a man who loves me, and who will support me all the way kahit ano man ang gusto kong gawin sa buhay. So we had to break up. Eventually I got into a new relationship which had everything I wanted and more -- a guy who loves me, who appreciates everything I do, and who thinks that the crazy things I do are cute and admirable. He wants to be a part of my life so much because he thinks my life is awesome, and I believe that too. That's the kind of man I want to put up with for the rest of my life. And sure enough, we're getting married next year.

Another thing to stop doing is comparing yourself to him within the relationship. You might think that your values are better than his, that being shy and quiet is more comfortable than being out there socializing. Unfair kase eh, let your man be himself at all times and appreciate him for that. If you can't do that, and if this 'incompatibility' bothers you significantly, then you probably don't deserve each other.

[cherness]

i'm super depressed right now.. i've been reading this thread for a week na and yes super nakakarelate ako sainyo.. my bf and i were together for 8 years yet halos araw araw kami ngaaway even the smallest things can make us burst into a real fight na may kasamang masasakit na salita. if you know yung kanta ni ashanti na "foolish" it really hits me hard.
 See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See, when I get the strength to leave
You always tell me that you need me
And I'm weak cause I believe you
And I'm mad because I love you
So I stop and think that maybe
You can learn to appreciate me
Then it all remains the same that
You ain't never gonna change
 
Grabeh lang ganyan paulit ulit na nangyayare samin.. in the span of 8 years ilang beses na gusto ko makipaghiwalay pero wala di ko kaya nahihirapan din ako pag lagi kami nagaaway.. di ko na alam gagawin ko. and oh 7 years ang gap namin i'm 26 he's 32. Madalas pa namin pagawayan is pera last week nasa mall kami i was saying na kung pwede pabili ako milktea tapos sinabihan ako na puro ka nalang palibre nagalit talaga ako don.. tama ba naman sabihin nya yun? hay ewan gulong gulo na ko...

[aquacharly]

^CHERNES, red flags are all over your relationship. IMO: cut & cut clean; run away.

Rudeness-cum-sarcasm  is hard to erase.  It takes more than a mountain of fear (as perceived by the sarcastic), & a string of crises  (plural ha, plural -- for you both), plus years of unnecessary emo wear & tear (on your part) to decrease. But it will always be there, and surface now and then.  Run away, before it's too late.   If there is a way to undo 1 turning point in my life  -- I will go back to the courageous naïveté of my youth when I decided that I could change my BF's (now hubby) caustic nature.  Sasampalin ko myself & say: gag@! 

1 thing leads to another due to sarcasm (which is actually the lowest form of wit) until the relationship gets to be so complicated ------- eventually, you find yourself  reacting with murderous &/or suicidal thoughts.  Really. 
It was nothing short of a miracle that we are much happier than we ever had been. I thank God everyday. But the rudeness or sarcasm comes out now and then.  Hindi nya mapigilan. IMO, it's an inborn disease, hahaha.  But nowadays, after all we have been through (it tires me just to do a partial "fast backward" ---   I don't retaliate verbally anymore --  I just give him a hard look & that snaps him out of his sarcastic mood.

Mga  katulad ng bf mo, like my husband before --  later on -- hindi yan ma contento sa occasional sarcastic rude shots. He will level up to  tsunami episodes. And yes, long discussion for this thread, but yes -- IMO -- the hurtful, unkind, rude, sarcastic, INTENTIONAL shots are red flags: emo abuser in the closet!  Pag out na the emo abuser, maging physical abuser din yan later on.  Along the way, you will change your persona coz you try to cope, then try to survive. That was the saddest tragedy  for me -- the day I could no longer recognize myself.  But by a miracle: I am back! But don't hold your breathe for a miracle. 

Maybe the recurring song is a message from ABOVE:  save yourself, leave.



PAPERDOLL & CHERNESS:

We have NO RIGHT & NO POWER to change another, even if we love the person to the moon & back.
They are what they are, UNTIL they themselves decide to change --  IF they should decide to change. 
Some  decide NOT TO CHANGE. 
BUT, YOU can change, anytime -- it is your right & within your power. 
Stay & adapt, or leave & seek what you deserve  --  YOUR CHOICE. 


CHERNESS:  ang tagal ko na nga pala  dito;  dito na ko tumanda! Hahaha. I hope I got to somehow konti help others.   

Take care of yourself. 
Be realistic with what you can expect from him. 
 

[cecilydee]

GIrl, I hear you. I think I can hear myself when you "complain" here about your 7yr bf - BUT WOW 7 years.

Did you see this behaviour during the first two years?

Kasi my relationship is nearing 2 years this October. Man, first 6 months or up to 9months were very turbulent. Im always angry at him when he does things that I dont like.

at first, sumusunod siya sakin kapag inaaway ko. but because I always complain, napapasama tuloy ako sa sitwasyon. and he feels incapable kasi nothing satisfies me.

I have to make up my mind at some point. Either, I let my disappointments eat me or I will just accept him as he is and stop nagging him so he will just change on his own.

Everytime something like this happens, I always ask myself, mas importante ba ang galit ko compared sa love ko sa kanya?

the turblence became normal thank God at hindi na ako masyadong galit at complaining. maybe i lowered my expectation of him. he used to make me angry pag kinatutulugan niya ako and he forgets to call me (as we are LDR important yun call sa akin) pero ngyon i understand na and ako na nagpaprocess sa mind ko na he might be tired after work. and nakikita ko na bumabawi siya after he feels na hindi enough ang ginawa niya sa akin for a day or week.

pinagbibigyan ko siya but that doesnt necessarily mean na martyrdom ako. just last week, sinisi ako sa laro dahil nadeds character niya haha! this time i didnt keep mum. i told him point blank what you did is unacceptable. and then i let each other rest muna so walang tawagan the whole night. the next day naka realize siya ng mali at nag sorry agad agad. at dahil love ko pinatawad ko siya.

[lizzete]

Morning mga sis..napadpad lang ako sa thread na to..i can totally relate..
Waahh..this one hits me..i know it is not the kind of love i want but still hoping someday may magbabago..its been 3 years..parang wala naman changes

Here's an excerpt from an article my Miss Marge Holmes:

Stop asking yourself if he really loves you. Instead, try something different. Instead of asking how true his love for you is, just ask yourself if the love he’s shown you thus far is the kind of love you want for the rest of your life. If it isn’t, then stop trying to explain to him or to anyone else why he just won’t do, and instead just leave him.

[Girltalker2]

7 years, 8 years, etc. 

Never ever settle with anyone due to sentimental reasons.  Kasi matagal na kayo. Kasi wala ka nang ibang mahahanap like him (how do you know kung hindi ka pa naman naka meet ng ibang guys especially if he is your first BF). 

Make sure there is love (syempre), respect, chemistry, compatibility, interest (among other things) in your relationship for it to be continuously nurtured and developed, lalo na pag mag-aasawa na kayo.  The aim is not just have a relationship, but a more meaningful life together.