Wives Who Are the Breadwinners

[ikaela]

Based on the replies on these boards, it seems like wives who are the breadwinners in Filipino families are on the rise.

Are you one of them? Has it caused problems in your marriage/family, or have you worked out a harmonious system with your husband? Do you pay all of the bills and also do all of the housework, or do you have househelp and has your husband become a houseband? Has this alpha-woman setup affected the way your children view you and your husband as parents and role models?

I'm all for women empowerment, but so far, it seems like the setup wherein the wives provide for their families and their husbands cause more problems that the other way around. This quote from a breadwinner wife in the New York Times article "Alpha Women, Beta Men" pretty much sums it up:  "It’s hard to be the power broker every day and then be the femme fatale. I’m not going to pay the bills—I feel like his mother—and then come home and suck his d!ck.”

[lirpa]

I am one of them and yes, it is causing problems with our marraige kasi ako sa sarili, I don't want to be the breadwinner. Ours is not a typical situation because he has kids from his first marraige. i really feel bad everytime naglalabas ako ng pera. Masama loob ko na natitipid ko mommy ko and mga kapatid ko dahil nauuna ko pamilya ng husband ko. Once, I found the strength na humiwalay but hinabol nya ako and nagpromise na magbago. We'll see what happens, sana magbago nga sya dahil yun lang kasiraan nya. He is a very good husband.

[mommycute46]

Count me in. Breadwinner din ako. Partner used to be the one who took care of our only son. Pero ngayon nagtatrabaho na siya. And I get a minimal support per month because he chose to work in the farm. Yong padala niya halos sahod ng kapatid niya na nag aalaga sa anak namin which is laging delay. Ang usapan kasi namin magwork siya at sagot niya sahod ng yaya. Ang ending parang kumuha lang siya ng kapalit niya in the form of her sister. Hindi ko kasi ramdam na nagtatrabaho siya dahil same pa rin ang bills na binabayaran ko.

Pero mas gusto ko ang set up na to (not my sister in law which is a different story) dahil pagdating ko sa bahay wala akong iniisip kundi ang anak ko. I don't have to deal with his temper and insecurity sa buhay. I don't have to think of my obligation as a wife. Mabuti na ring ganito kami, malayo sa isa't isa kesa araw araw naman kami magkasama pero unti unti kami nawawalan ng respeto. At sa tingin ko mas gusto niyang makasama ang mga barkada niya  kesa kaming pamilya niya.

[lovemeagain30]

it's difficult to be a breadwinner wife in the family. somehow along the way you will lose that kind of  respect you have with your husband. hindi lang ikaw eh pati narin yung mga tao alam ang relasyon niyo like your immediate family and friends.

unless nalang the husband is embalido, handicapped, mentally ill or bedridden. otherwise, I don't think there will be a valid excuse not to provide enough for his family. nakakapagod din kaya sa part ng wife na lagi siya ang maglalabas ng pera panggastos ng pamilya. saka hindi ka proud sa sarili mo as a wife. sometimes you tend to defend your hubby to other people para lang hindi nila maisip na mali yung napili mong lalaki sa buhay.

[nathanielle]

I'm not the sole breadwinner, but I DO earn more than my husband. My husband and I became a couple when we both still worked for a non profit organization. Before we got married, I decided to take on the family business, while my husband stayed at the non profit, because it's a job that he truly loves and he's good at it.

I honestly don't feel like I got the short end of the stick. First, my husband loves his job and he works very hard. I'd rather have that than a husband who earns a lot but always complains about his work, or isn't passionate about what he does. Secondly, because it's our family business, my schedule is much more flexible than my husband's. I have more leisure time than my husband, so I get to run errands, go shopping, get a massage, etc. Lastly, my husband is much more hands-on at home. I can't cook, and have never been the domesticated type, while my husband has always been an all-around man. He wakes up early to prepare breakfast AND dinner for us, and is out of the house by 7 am. All I really need to do is reheat the dinner and set the table so everything's ready when he gets home. We share the chores, like washing dishes, cleaning the house, laundry, etc. My family knows about this, even before we got married, and have no qualms about it.

My respect for husband has not diminished because of differences in earning capacity. We have the same values and we share the same goals and dreams for our family. We both work hard, but I actually think he works harder than I do. It's just that I'm fortunate that our family business is doing well. I'm even more fortunate that I'm married to a man who isn't so traditional and "macho" in his thinking about gender roles.

[ezonme]

^ same with you sis. Not the sole breadwinner but i earn more than my partner. Hati kami sa bills but when it comes to our son mas malaki yung gastos ko pati sa grocery namin kung titingnan mo halos [textspeak!] pag share lang sa bills ang ginagawa niya. Hindi kami lumalabas kasi nag titipid DAW siya para mailabas niya kami pero magugulat ka ilang taon na wala pa rin ipon.. so kung gusto ko mag bond kami sa labas or mag eat out kami family sagot ko yun but when it comes to buying new phone or laptop, ayan nakaka ipon siya agad agad.. gusto ko ma spoil naman pa minsan minsan.. since naging kami wala pa ko natanggap galing sa kanya.. sad

[katrinac]

Not really the breadwinner, pero just like ezonme & nathanielle, mas malaki yung kinikita ko compared sa kanya. pero never naman naging issue samin dalawa yun. BInibigay nya lahat ng sweldo nya sakin, and ako na bahala mag budget. para sa grocery namin, bills, and pang date  . Minsan, ako nalang nasasabi sa kanya, na mag shop kami for himself pero sya ang may ayaw. masyado syang matipid, and baon lang talaga ang hinihingi nya from me once naibigay na nya lahat ng sweldo nya sakin. Pag pinag combine ang sweldo namin pareho, sobrang enough lang sya para sa monthly expenses namin. may natitira pa and nakakapag save pa kami, and good thing, may iniwan sakin na parentahan na small rooms kaya kahit papano dun kami kumukuha ng pang gastos.

Problem lang is my husband wants me to resign after i give birth, para daw mas maalalagan ko si baby. I want to take care of our baby sana, or maghanap ng work at home na job, kaso iniisip ko din yung benefits na nakukuha ko sa company namin ngayon.

[outandaboutph]

I am one of them and yes, it is causing problems with our marraige kasi ako sa sarili, I don't want to be the breadwinner. Ours is not a typical situation because he has kids from his first marraige. i really feel bad everytime naglalabas ako ng pera. Masama loob ko na natitipid ko mommy ko and mga kapatid ko dahil nauuna ko pamilya ng husband ko. Once, I found the strength na humiwalay but hinabol nya ako and nagpromise na magbago. We'll see what happens, sana magbago nga sya dahil yun lang kasiraan nya. He is a very good husband.

Parang ang hirap  naman ng ganon sis. Pati kids niya ikaw ang nagsupport. If sa akin mangyari okay lang kung sobra sobra talaga income ko but if kulang pa nga na tipong di ko maabutan kahit kaunti parents ko eh baka mabigat din sa loobko.

[neriann28]

I am one of these. Kapapanganak ko lang with our twins last january 28 before that si hubby my work pero mas malaki pa din yung sinasahod ko sa kanya. pero sobrang bait kasi nya nung nagwowork sya sa akin lahat napupunta [textspeak!] sahod nya lalo na at buntis ako nun. pero pagdating ng january ako na lahat gumastos simula pagkapanganak hanggang ngayon sa mga gatas ng mga anak ko hindi naman ako nagrereklamo kasi matyaga syang mag alaga ng mga anak namin lalo at dalawa pa naman sila kaya lang dumadating pa din ako sa point na paano kung pareho kaming nagtratrabaho? mahihirapan ba ko ng ganito? sa mga gastusin lagi ko na lang iniisip na kinakapos budget ko. pero sana kapag lumaki na mga anak namin masuportahan nya din kami financially kasi hindi ko din naman kaya mag isa lahat lahat ng gastos namin

[lovemeagain30]

^ sis outandaboutph not to offend you ah pero bakit mo tinotolerate ang pagiging batugan (excuse for the word) ng asawa mo?? pati na rin panghuhuthot ng pamilya niya sainyo?

panget ka ba na babae? at siya lang nagtiyaga sayo?  hindi sa minamaliit kita ah. hindi yun ang intention ko. pero gusto lang sana kita bigyan ng realization kasi para kasing napaka under mo naman sa mister mo at naawa ako sa kalagayan mo sa totoo lang (lalo na't buntis ka pa).

hindi naman tama yun na wala na nga siyang trabaho, ikaw na gumagastos, pati ba naman sa gawaing bahay hindi mo pa maasahan.  dapat nga masipag siya sa bahay niyo at may libreng masahe ka pa dapat everyday kasi buntis ka.

tama ka din wag kang kumuha ng yaya pagka panganak mo,,andiyan naman asawa mo, siya mag alaga kamo!abay ikaw na nagpapasok ng pera sa pamilya, pasarap ka naman kamo kung hindi mo alagaan anak mo sa bahay. sabihin natin may business siya ngayon (though feel mo ay hindi naman para sainyo mag ina ang kikitain nun),, hawak niya parin ang oras niya dun.  kung gusto magkatulong or mag yaya, siya kamo bahala magpa sahod.share nalang niya ng expense since ikaw naman gagastos ng panganganak mo.

ako talaga walang amor sa mga lalake na halos walang maitulong sa asawa nila eh ginawa pang sugar mommy. may kilala din akong ganyan babae na sobrang nagtiis sa asawang lalaki. siya na nga ang provider, binubugbog pa siya. ayun nung namatay ang lalake sa sakit ng highblood, parang nabunutan yung pamilya niya ng tinik. 

wag mong payagan ganyanin ka ng asawa mo sis pati na ng pamilya niya. the more pinagbibigyan mo ang mga yan, the more nasa isip nila hawak ka nila sa leeg. bat hindi sa sarili mong pamilya ka gumastos? para sakin mas better ang feeling na dun ako nagbibigay sa mismong nanay at tatay ko kesa gagastos ako sa pamilya ng mister ko,, baka kamo lasunin ko pa sila eh! 

-don't get me wrong ah, walang masamang magbigay and thank goodness my inlaws are very good with us. ang sinasabi ko lang eh kung sa situation mo eh obviously pineperahan ka nila at kakuntsaba nila ay mister mismo, abay ibang usapan na yun!

kaya ang unsolicited advice ko lang, wag mo sanayin ang asawa mo sa ganyang treatment niya sayo para hindi siya gayahin in-laws mo.

by the way, good luck to your pregnancy.

[aquacharly]

I am not the main earner, but I have seen a good enough number of marriages that are ok even if it's the wife that brings in the bigger money.

Such relationships succeed because the husband is appreciative of his wife's contribution to the family.
Plus, the husband compensates in other ways so that the wife is not stressed out on both the business/job front and the home front as well. 
Most important: there is kindness & respect for each other.

[sugardrop]

This was the set up of my mom and dad before. After my dad's business spiraled downwards, my mom became the breadwinner. He, however, has another souce of income which is the apartments for rent but my mom's income was bigger. Money never became an issue for them. My dad stayed home taking care of me and helping me with my studies while my mom was at work most of the time. Her thinking was "di bale nang ako ang nagwowork basta yung anak ko ay alam kong naaalagaan ng mabuti". Better than relying on a yaya as I was growing up. I had a yaya but my dad was hands-on. I think as long as you both talk about it, have a serious discussion and the husband doesn't let his ego do the talking and acting, kaya naman. Basta walang sumbatan. The wife, as long as nakikita nyang naaalagaan yung anak, kaya din gumawa ng household chores nung husband, wag naman sana isumbat at ipamukha sa husband na sya ang nagpapasok ng mas malaking pera sa household. Respect him pa din both as a man and as your husband and the father of your child/children.

But things back then were less expensive such as tuition fees, bills, groceries.

[maye2k]

I'm also the breadwinner, hubby only stays at home do the chores and take care of our 4 kids. We have small sari-sari store and hubby manages it alone. Minsan ako din pag walang work. He used to have work until I gave birth to our 4th kid. Mahirap pag iniwan mo lang sa yaya ang mga bata, laging nagkakasakit, at di na aasikaso masyado ang pagkain. So we decided na dapat talaga may isa samin na huminto sa work at focus na lang sa mga bata. At first gusto niya ako ang mag stop, but I insisted na siya kasi kontrolado niya mga kids, ako kasi ang tipong di masyado disciplinarian yong tipong iiyak lang ang anak ko pinagbibigyan ko na ang gusto na ayaw naman niya ng ganon. Isa pa, mas malayo ang work niya at once a week lang kung umuwi, ako naman malapit lang. Regarding sa salary, pareho lang naman kaya we both decided na siya na ang tumigil na talagang pinag awayan pa namin kasi siya daw ang lalaki at dapat siya ang provider. Pero sabi ko maging practical na lang kami.

Ayon ok naman ang set up namin, masipag naman talaga si hubby at gusto niya ang ginagawa niya, at na didisiplina niya mga anak namin. Laking pasalamat ko talaga na walang bisyo at luho asawa ko at malaki ang pagmamahal niya sa pamilya. Nakakatulong din ang regular bible study namin every Sunday. Pero downside naman niya is masyadong nagiging kuripot lalo na nong nag start na siya mag business, masyado na siyang napapagod sa mga gawaing bahay, pati paglalaba ayaw niya ipagkatiwala kasi daw sayang ang pambayad pwede na pambili ng pang ulam.

Masasabi ko swerte ako sa kanya, pero minsan may mga issues din sa buhay namin, yong tipong pag pagod na siya masyado madali lang uminit ang ulo niya siguro madalas mga anak ko ang kukulit din. Kaya minsan napagsasabihan niya ako ng masakit, gaya ng "di mo kasi alam napapagod din ako dito sa bahay!". Naiisip ko siguro gusto din niyang lumabas kami, kaya kahit minsan medyo gipit, inaaya ko siyang lumabas kami, pero siya na rin ang ayaw kasi daw magastos i-save na lang daw. Kaya minsan naiinis na rin ako,di ko na alam gagawin bat ganon siya minsan. Pero ganon pa man iniintidi ko na lang siya kasi naman pagod talaga siya lagi sa daming gawaing bahay tapos ayaw pa niya na kumuha kami ng katulong kasi iniisip din niya ang bayarin. Hay..ewan di ko rin siya maintindihan, kahit pagod din ako di nako nagrereklamo kasi ayaw ko rin masaktan siya baka isipin niya na napapagod nako kaka provide sa kanila. Ganon pa man, thankful talaga ako at na bubudget niya ang pera na iniiwan ko sa kanya, di niya nagagalaw ang income ng store namin at napapalago niya eto. Siguro patuloy ko na lang siyang intindihin.

[beautyMom]

. Im the better earner also pero ndi sana magiging issue kung alam mong may katuwang... not ncessarily on finances but more on emotional support sana.. and sana may pangarap naman... i had yo admit to admit to myself na un napili ko is someone na walang pangarap... di masamang mangarap lalo na kung para sa anak natin. Siguro tama kayu na minsan nahihiya tayung malaman ng ibang tao na mali ang napili natin....

Dati un pangarap kong makasama un someone na magtutulungan kayu to unleash each others potential... un pareho kayung naggrow... un taong alam mong may pangarap... well i feel sorry for myself... ewan ko ba... sometimes i think of bala mas ok pa ako if ako lang magisa...kasi wala [textspeak!] sya natutulong sakin. Ako lhat... bils education. Bahay. Lahat... anung silbi nia? Driver, errand boy, ni ndi nga maturuan ng magandang asal ang anak ko.... hay... buti may thread na to at naibuhos ko ang damdamin ko...

[brendzy]

Before I earn more than my husband, but now, sya na yung mas malaki ang sahod. He pays for the flat and internet bill, I share the groceries. Yung pangdate, share din kami, 1/2 ng sahod nya, sa joint account namin, 1/4 naman yung share ko sa joint acct. Nagpapadala pa din ako sa Pinas while sya kung emergency or holidays lang. Money was an issue before but I never lost my respect to him.

[Girltalker2]

I am not the main earner, but I have seen a good enough number of marriages that are ok even if it's the wife that brings in the bigger money.

Such relationships succeed because the husband is appreciative of his wife's contribution to the family.
Plus, the husband compensates in other ways so that the wife is not stressed out on both the business/job front and the home front as well. 
Most important: there is kindness & respect for each other.

I saw this din in some couples.  And kita mo na maayos yung guy mag alaga ng mga bata, very loving husband and daddy.  Wala ka nang hihingin pa kahit mas mababa ang pay nya kesa sa wife.

Kaso kung hindi nanga nakakatulong financially, tapos nambabae pa or walang maitulong sa bahay, hindi ba dapat iwan na iyan? O di kaya may trabaho nga sakto lang sa pang-inom at jamming nya, anong klase naman yun di ba?

When it comes to respect naman - paano mo naman kasi marespect ang isang husband na batugan na walang naitulong sa pamilya?  Di ba hindi naman yun ka-respe-respeto? 
Puedeng husband is earning lesser than the wife, pero kung alam nya what needs to be done in taking care of the family and loving sya sa family nya, natural lang na irespect din sya ng partner nya.

[ava_garde]

Thanks to this thread and I realized hindi pala ako nagiisa sa sentiments ko. Thanks din sa mga reply nyo at I had read what would sum up my feelings na dko alam paano i-e-express.
My hubby used to earn more than me kasi he was a seaman. Unfortunately he had an accident last 2011 that stopped his career. He eventually got better but he can't go back to his previous work na pure physical strength talaga ang puhunan.

So since then ako na yun breadwinner lalo na sa expenses sa anak. Pang date, vacation expenses, car expenses etc.... What's good naman with hubby eh inako naman nya yun domestic role sa house. He takes care of our son and sya talaga asikaso sa bahay like labada, linis, grocery except luto kasi di talaga sya marunong. Pagdating dn sa pera he is very masinop kasi sobrang higpit ng gastos nya sa settlement money nya. Nagopen sya sarisari store sa baba namin. He always think of new ways to earn. Like now nagdagdag sya ng bigasan, autoload, and pisonet. Ultimo piso barya naka audit sa kanya. While I'm thankful na madiskarte si hubby kahit nagkaganun kabuhayan nya, we still have bursts of conflicts over his ego.

Tama yun ibang sisses natin na mainitin ulo. Tapos minsan ang layo sa inumpisahan arguement nyo, mauuwi sa reasoning na sya yun naiiwan sa bahay. Nararamdaman mo na his ego is hurting.

Syempre as a wife, tao din naman tayo. Minsan  (or madalas) you'll lack the attraction. Syempre as girl, hinahanap hanap mo yun your partner pays for your fancy date, shower you with gifts,...... mababaw and materialistic I know......pero it affects you eh.

[Girltalker2]

Syempre as girl, hinahanap hanap mo yun your partner pays for your fancy date, shower you with gifts,...... mababaw and materialistic I know......pero it affects you eh.

Maybe this goes with age and maturity.  As we get closer to reality, hindi na ito importante.  Pero kung nasa "idealistic" mindset pa tayo, hahanap hanapin mo ito.

This got me thinking kasi I never looked for this in my life.  Kahit simple lang ang date namin ni ex dati (he was my one and only BF kasi na naging hubby), kkb pa, all I wanted was to be with him.  Then nung mag asawa na kami, yes he does give flowers, gifts, and pays for dinners outside.  Kaso alam ko manloloko sya, so it did not have any bearing. Mas prefer ko to be with someone who is genuine, and not concealed with all the works (gifts, fine dining dinners), tapos manloloko lang.

I guess my message is, so long as loving ang hubbies ninyo, loyal, masipag and all out support sa family, try to appreciate them. They are much much better persons than the hubbies who can provide for everything pero tingin sa sarili nila eh Diyos.

[KVsWahmmy]

Although I am not in this situation, I have friends who are...

And based din sa mga responses ng mga sis natin dito, parang the issue is not about whether who earns more or not, or who doesn't earn - it's what the person who doesn't earn, does.

Kumbaga eh, wala na nga work, ikaw pa din ang gagawa ng domestic chores sa bahay, tapos sya pa yung mabarkada and mareklamo and mainit ang ulo. And you the wife-breadwinner are expected to understand everything. I can imagine how that can get crazy exhausting and frustrating. If the situation was, guy stays at home and does a great job at taking care of the kids, and doing most or some of the domestic chores, and stays loving, then all's good - no matter if he earns less, or not at all.

Naiisip ko lang, if it was the traditional set-up wherein wife stays at home, why does it work more often than not? Siguro dahil women are really matiisin - we hold off the anger and frustration for as long as we can. Or maybe because we are wired to be good at multi-tasking, which is what being a housewife requires. I mean, it could still work with a guy doing that, but it doesn't work as well as expected madalas. But I agree, with kindness, honesty, and mutual respect and concern - anything, even the most unconventional of situations, could work.

[FayeP]

mga sis, ako din ganito for two years now ako ang sole breadwinner...dati nagwork si hubby pero nun malapit nako manganak we have both decided na mag quit nalang cya (kasi I am earning more kaya cya un nag quit) ala kasi kami yaya..

kaya ngayon palit kami, cya sa bahay, lahat gawa nya, alaga ng bata, laba, luto...linis ng bahay at hugas pinggan dalawa kami...pero mas madalas pag uwi ko ng house malinis na kasi alam nya pagod din ako...