Hi sis TS, this might help:
How do you maintain walking power with your man if the word
“ambition” seems to be a foreign phrase to him? This is one of
those major relationship pitfalls I see every day that couples
struggle with.
I’ll show you just how to work through this and keep your own
ambition charging forward even if your man would rather sit on
the sidelines.
One of my clients (we’ll call her “Sara”) was seeing a guy
(we’ll call “Maverick”). He's 30, still a dog walker, and still
visits home every weekend. But she was crazy about him.
Maverick felt the same way but she felt he would not get over
his small town mindset even if their relationship got more
serious. However, he didn't see it as a problem. He genuinely
enjoyed walking dogs, it made him happy.
While leaving the country is something most adventurous people
put a priority on, he made a goal to try it once before the age
of forty-five. He didn't put adventure or money as a priority,
and he didn't want to.
Sara saw money and adventure as prime luxuries of life and too
much time without them would be dull and boring. It was painful
for her to see her man not have the same priorities that made
her happy.
For some women, ambition is not a huge problem. They don't need
it or seek it in the men they are with. They are OK being the
ambitious one. But for a lot of women, it's a must have.
And if this is you, you can't change or ignore that. Well you
can try, but it won't work out for you well.
If these newsletters seem like they are leading you to weed out
all the men you're interested in, you may be right. We are
trying to weed out all the losers, which is a term you get to
define for yourself. Only you know what you personally want in a
relationship and what is a deal breaker for you.
Life isn't long enough for you to give every man a shot. You
should only have the best options.
Sara was hurt by the fact that he probably would never live
outside of a 30 mile radius from his childhood home, and that he
never wanted to try doing something that would make more money
than dog walking. She was torn by his lack of ambition and her
love for him. He clearly loved her and treated her well in return.
Where does it seem like this story would lead? Does it seem like
she should forget about the his lack of ambition and motivation
and pretend things are fine as she goes on loving him anyways?
Not if it's important to her.
It's so interesting to me why people "forget" about the things
that are important to them. Or, pretend like they are suddenly
not as important to them once they are in a relationship.
Your values and what is important to you make up who you are!
And your guy surely doesn't want you to lose who you are,
because then what else is left?
Forgetting about or ignoring what is important to you is
forgetting who you are.
This kind of delusion doesn't happen overnight. Let me introduce
a thought to you here as to why this usually happens. People
start “forgetting” because they lose hope. It seems impossible
to actually have everything that's important to them, or too
great of a risk to lose what they already have, so people turn a
blind eye to it.
Basically, it makes things easier on our hearts. If we convince
ourselves that this thing we cherish, like learning another
language, finishing school, having kids, trying out stand-up
comedy, etc isn't actually important to us.
We give up our interests for the sake of holding onto a
relationship and not being alone. Really, it's reason enough to
sit down and ask yourself a question. Is it time to leave?
Only you can answer that question. I'm not suggesting you leave
your man at the first hint of dissention or disagreement on your
life goals. I'm suggesting asking yourself if this is what you
really want if you aren’t pursuing your interests because you’ve
sacrificed them for the sake of your relationship.
I'm not saying you're going to get everything you want or need
in a relationship. That's impractical and foolish.
But you can get the things that are most important to you if you
really want to! The "make-or-break-its”.
Then, no matter how handsome, rich, or comforting he may be, if
you forget why you put yourself through a breakup, you just have
to remind yourself of one thing:
"It was because he wasn't ambitious enough and ambition is
really important to me. I need someone who is excited about life
and wants to continue growing and moving forward."
Of course feel free to replace "ambition" with whatever it is
for you. Perhaps it’s exploring new places, trying new foods,
reaching for the next promotion in your career, or anything else
that is important to you.
Do your own thing. If you don't want to settle, you don't have
to. And don't forget what is important to you. Ask yourself, “If
I wasn’t in a relationship, what would I be pursuing right now?”
Your answer to that question should be something you go after
whether you have a relationship or not.
I told Sara to envision her ideal life and to pursue it. If that
means she only sees Maverick half the year, then that's fine if
he's OK with it too. Your dreams don't need to go to the wayside
because of your relationship. You can have both as long as you
believe in yourself and stick to your standards.
Most of the time, if you're a great girlfriend, a prize he wants
to be with, and have a strong relationship, the guy will
scramble to get his s*** together because you inspire him.
You may be saying "But Nick, I love him just the way he is.”
That’s fine. You can continue loving him. There’s no harm in
that. But love does not conquer all, not in relationships.
Love your life and make sure you’re actually living it. You can
continue loving this man, but don’t let him hold you back and
make you sacrifice your life for the relationship.
Once you are confidently on your own path, no one else can throw
you off. Stick to your guns and your relationship will be that
much stronger.
With love,
Nick Bastion
Long read pero he has a point. :-)
