i feel so much pain...my husband cheated on me

[imbisibol_]

By the way uuwi kami for a vacation this next month and I asked hubby kung pupuntahan ba niya ang anak niya? ang balik tanong niya sa akin ay "pwede ba kasi anak ko pa rin yung bata".  Ang sabi ko hindi pwede kung gusto mo siyang makita isama mo ako magkita kayo sa mall.  Mga sis am I being selfish?

your claim to your husband ends where your husband's responsibility to his child begins.  the child is faultless.  to deny him a father is extremely selfish.  the child's existence does not make you any less of a wife.  nothing is being taken from you.  your husband will always be your husband.  as he will always be a father to that child now.  tell your ego to take a back seat.

Also mga sis I told hubby he can support the kid financially pero wag na siya umeksena sa buhay na bata hayaan na lang niyang magbagong buhay ang ex kabitch at pag nag asawa siya yung na lang ang kilalaning ama ng bata.  Am I being unfair to the child?

it is good that your husband clearly listens to you.  but who gave you the right to deprive that child the experience of being with his/her real father? 

[ghye]

^ Super agree with sis imbisibol_.  Walang kasalanan ang bata sa kasalanang ginawa ng mga magulang niya.  Baliktarin mo man ang mundo, your husband is still the father of the child.  A child deserves to be acknowledged, supported, loved by a father. 

[Girltalker2]

^ I think this is the typical dilemma of a wife like janelc. If you allow the father to be with the child, how do you know na yung bata lang binibisita nung tatay at hindi yung nanay nung bata?  Since hubby mo yung lalaki, either forever mong dadalhin iyang worry na iyan kasi you want to keep your marriage? 

How do you not deprive the child from his father while not worrying that your hubby might still be having a relationship with the mother of the child?

[ghye]

^I feel the pain of being cheated as I myself was a victim them.  Though gf/bf lang kami noon.  When i forgave and accepted him in my life, part of it is the acceptance of the child.  I was even the one who asks him about the child.  Yes, it's true that it's easy to forgive but hard to forget and the pain will always be there.  Also, the lack of trust now.  But again, it's part of the package when you forgave your husband, you accepted him back in to you life, is the child from the other woman. 
Let's be thankful that we are not in the shoes of that anak sa labas.  But in case we are in her/his shoes, do you think you also want to be deprived of the love and attention from a father especially that the father is willing to give it to you?

[toydoll]

what makes it easier to forgive is true repentance from the party asking for forgiveness,, for me true repentance means not doing the same hurtful deed again,,, minsan we just tend to accept but not forgive,, yun ang masaklap... kasi tinanggap mo na lang kahit walang repentance,,, sad sad sad,,,

[SCOTTISHFOLD20]

Do the woman who was cheated on repeatedly bearing a crotch fruit. Think to yourself are these the values I want to teach my children?

That its okay for a husband to repeatedly cheat bear fruit and then sorry lang okay na?

Sa tingin mo naturuan mo sya ng lesson?

Please wake up and smell the other womans vagina scent on your husband mouth.

[sk8rboyswife]

Victim din ako neto, I never thought I would be since nag transform talaga husband ko to a different person when he had an affair with his office mate. He can last a day without caring for me and our son. Iniwan niya kame. Thou bumalik siya. Pero when I asked kung mahal niya pa ko di siya makasagot. it hit me hard right then and there.

Now, nung nagresign yung babae, bumalik siya. We attended a Marriage Encounter weekend. Slowly, bumabalik na yung husband ko na nakilala ko before. But still, he won't let me check his phone na may passcode and all his other personal and fb accounts. Basta tiwala lang daw and wag akong mag alala wala na daw syang ginagawa. (WTF)

Now he would tell me he loves me. Pero dun pa rin sya sa kanila, pumupunta sya samen pag off ko, yun lang. Hindi ko alam how can I ever recover sa pain. Kahit na nagsorry na sya and making moves samen ng anak niya, I still think, ang hirap makalimot. Nasabi niya na nagsisisi siya at pinagbabayaran na niya mga nagawa niya. Pero di pa rin ako kampante.

[shinta]

my husband cheated on me again. and recently, i was just complaining about sexless marriage and him not wanting to have a child. eto na pala yung reason. but i forgave him again (after i said it will be over if he cheated on me again after the first time). honestly, di ko alam kung tama ba yung ginawa ko o nagpapakatanga na lang talaga ako.

[lisse]

^oh, shoot! Sorry to hear that sis. Now it made sense - his actions and choices. Pero still, why? Why now?

[shinta]

^his reason was very lame. he said he didn't want to have sex because he doesn't want to get me pregnant. he's afraid of 3 things: 1. health complications on my part if i get pregnant 2. maulit uli yung nangyari sa baby namin (he died 2 days after i gave birth) 3. if maging ok ang lahat at successful ang delivery, he fears na baka naman magkadeperensya yung magiging baby namin, because of my condition.

when i got pregnant before, i had an ovarian cyst na tinanggal na and after i gave birth, i develop a thyroid condition naman. dito nanggagaling yung fears niya. i told him what my OB said and the things i've read about hashimoto's and ovarian cyst and endometriosis and other complications to explain to him na it will be safe for me and the baby, if ever i get pregnant again. pero di niya daw maalis fears nya.

but for me, his reason is just BS. feeling ko sinasabi niya lang yun to justify why he cheated again. inisa-isa ko sa kanya yung mga butas ng reason niya and why i think it's BS. he didn't say anything. just begged to give him another chance.

[marose17]

^ Just as I suspected when I saw your post in sexless marriage.

I do believe in the saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater."  I hope you will wake up before it's too late.  Only you can make a decision.

[Girltalker2]

sis shinta, I am so sorry about your predicament.

bakit sila gagawa ng kalokohan only to ask for forgiveness later? hindi ko maintindihan. ganun lang ba ang katumbas nun, sorry lang?

[cabbagepatch]

status update lang mga sis, it's been four months na mula nung nalaman ko yung affair ng husband ko. I chose to forgive him. bakit? simple lang dahil kaya ko pa ipaglaban ang marriage na sinimulan namin at kakayanin ko pa lalung lalo na para sa mga anak namin. sabi nga nila mas masarap magpatawad lalo na kung talagang nakikita mo naman na bumabawi yung tao. Sa tiwala hindi naman agad yun kadali naibabalik ng buong buo lagi kang may pangamba na anytime pwede sila magkita ulit,pwede sila magusap o kung [textspeak!] pa man pero ang sa akin lang mas nagtitiwala ako kay God na hindi niya ko pababayaan na masaktan ulit and at the same time pinanghahawakan ko yung sinasabi nya sa akin. It's a continuous process everyday, even me ang dami kong kailangan ma improve sa sarili ko para mas maging mabuti akong asawa sa kanya and sa bawat araw na lumilipas nagpapasalamat ako kay God na hindi niya kami hinayaang bumitaw sa vow ng marriage namin. kaya keep on praying and everything will be alright 

[marose17]

sis shinta, I am so sorry about your predicament.

bakit sila gagawa ng kalokohan only to ask for forgiveness later? hindi ko maintindihan. ganun lang ba ang katumbas nun, sorry lang?

Typical of serial cheaters.  And they cheat again and again because their partners forgive them again and again.

Walang future ang relationship kapag ganyan ang katwiran ng partner mo.

[evilwoman]

@shinta - nabasa ko din yung post mo dati.tanong ko lang,paano pa sya nakapagpalusot ng pambababae?base kasi sa setup nyo parang malabo?cyber ba yan?

[shinta]

nako mga sis, eto nga na naman ako. baka nga kung magkakakilala tayo personally, batukan nyo na ako.  but you know what's weird, i don't feel as sad, as kawawa as before. it's not as painful. nung una, it took me weeks to even let everything sink in. ngayon, 1 night and half a day lang of crying and moping, i'm back to normal na ulit. parang walang nangyari. and that's the reason why i was able to forgive him agad. because i don't feel any pain after kong magmukmok at after kong masabi sa kanya lahat ng gusto kong sabihin.

i didn't even ask him to promise that he will never cheat again. coz i know there's a chance that he will just break that promise again. but i'm not affected. i'm not worried nor concerned. i'm at peace, no roller coaster of emotions. i really find it weird. di ko nga alam if i'm in denial or i'm close to being indifferent na. but right now, i'm just acting based on how i feel and i honestly feel ok.

if mag-cheat siya ulit? i'm not sure what i'm going to do. but i know that i'll know what to do if and when that time comes.

and tama si sis marose, he's a typical cheater. sabi ko nga sa kabilang thread (why men cheat on loyal women), he has loose morals, no values (puro pride and principles kuno), and i think it has something to do with his upbringing. when i look at his family, i somehow understand why he is the way he is.

so why stay with him? di ko din alam if it's just for convenience or companionship o kung talagang i just want to make the marriage work. the way i speak of him, parang he's such a bad person. pero di naman miserable ang daily life ko with him, normal lang like other couples na may ups and downs. and yun nga, that weird feeling of being at peace after i forgive him for the 2nd time, i can't argue with that. or maybe i'm just need to get out of my comfort zone?

@evilwoman, yes sis, cyber nagsisimula then nagiging textmate sila. the first one, nagkaron siya ng chance to have a physical relationship with the girl kasi pregnant ako nun at alam niyang tamad akong umalis. tulog lang kasi akong tulog nung first trimester. the second one, di pa sila nagkikita, puro text lang (nabasa ko mga text messages nila pati skype and wechat). pero may plan silang magkita.

ngayon, we're back to normal, like what i said, parang walang nangyari. but we're still not making love. i'm not sure if i still want to or if he still wants to. baka nga di na pala asawa ang tingin namin sa isa't isa (although i still refer to him as hubby). baka nasanay na lang kami that we're together. eh tutal naman ayaw niyang umalis, and i find it convenient when he's around, so being together seems like a good choice for now.

o mali pa din? minsan iniisip ko din baka di ko lang nakikita ang katangahan ko. like what i said, right now i'm just acting based on how i feel. pero di ba, feelings can be deceiving din. ang gulo ko.

sensya na, napahaba na pala.

[maiandra]

Ganun sa umpisa sis, hysterical once you find out about the cheating then eventually mamamanhid ka na. Sa tingin mo, normal pa ba yun?

[SCOTTISHFOLD20]

Depends on how you want yourself to be treated. Ganyan ba ang naisep mong married life? Ako hindi. So I left my husband 4 months into our marriage kahit na super we get a long. It's not nice knowing that we are happy happy tapos he was lying to me pala and bedding someone else. Ayoko ng ganung relationship. I deserve better.

[Girltalker2]

@shinta, feeling ko destructive ang ganyang klaseng relationship. Kasi slowly natatanggap mo ang apak-apakan lang ang pagkatao mo at pagsasama ninyo. Sanay ka nang binabastos at OK lang sayo. so in time, kung maging mas grabe man ang mga affairs nya, Ok nalang din.  Kung magkaanak sya sa labas, ok lang din. He does not want to leave because he is comfortable already. So dyan lang sya while having other things on the side. Everything should just revolve around him.

Your reason for staying - kasi wala ka rin naman ibang pupuntahan.  So since convenient magstay, sige nalang. But what you are missing by not leaving is the chance to be happy again.  Your so-called peace of mind right now is just superficial.  Malamang hindi ka na bothered kasi hindi mo sya iniisip, coping mechanism mo nalang is to block it off from your mind so you can survive.  Pag nasa Pinas ka siguro, parang iyan na ang nakasanayan ng mga tao, babaerong husband at laging nakabantay ang wife na parang linta.  Pero naman, who wants that?  It's like a lifetime living in purgatory. 

Tapos if you stay pa, aside from missing that chance (by the way you only got 1 life) to be happy, pinalalaki mo rin ang kid/s mo with your hubby's mindset.  Lalabas at lalabas iyan sa everyday dealing ng cheating hubby sa anak eh - yung hindi pagrespect nya sa mga kababaihan.  So kung lalaki ang anak mo, expect not to respect you as well paglaki nya.  Kung babae naman, expect na kung lokohin man sya in the future ng magiging asawa nya, OK lang din sa kanya and tatanggapin nya with open arms. Of course, they do not necessarily follow, but if they are raised in that kind of environment, puede iyan ang kalakihan din nila - na OK lang mabastos, at OK lang mang-isa or manloko.

status update lang mga sis, it's been four months na mula nung nalaman ko yung affair ng husband ko. I chose to forgive him. bakit? simple lang dahil kaya ko pa ipaglaban ang marriage na sinimulan namin at kakayanin ko pa lalung lalo na para sa mga anak namin.

Good sis na he is remorseful and also making efforts to patch it up.

One lesson I forgot to take into account when I was in that situation is that the marriage can never be restored kung yung betrayed lang ang nag-eeffort.  Kelangan dalawa kayo at lalong lalo na yung nagbetray, kelangan double time talaga to prove he is still worthy of the marriage.

mas nagtitiwala ako kay God na hindi niya ko pababayaan na masaktan ulit and at the same time pinanghahawakan ko yung sinasabi nya sa akin. It's a continuous process everyday, even me ang dami kong kailangan ma improve sa sarili ko para mas maging mabuti akong asawa sa kanya and sa bawat araw na lumilipas nagpapasalamat ako kay God na hindi niya kami hinayaang bumitaw sa vow ng marriage namin. kaya keep on praying and everything will be alright 

Oh God can be so mysterious. Hindi ko lang minsan maintindihan.  Naalala ko dati lugmok nako, lalo pa nya akong nilagay sa putikan. Hindi purkit nasaktan ka, nagdasal ka, you will be absolved of pain forever. 

Puede kang masaktan ulit pero hindi kagagawan iyan ng Diyos, ang nanakit sayo ay ang asawa mo at hindi ang Diyos.  At puedeng puede ulit iyan gawin ng kahit sino - ang manakit ng kapwa nila, kasi tao lang sila. 

Anyway, back to my case, it only took years later before I heard God.  All along pala, he has been urging me to leave my marriage. At pumilit ako magstay.  After a decade or so, with the ongoing pain and suffering, that was the only time nagising ako. Message pala ni God is just LEAVE.

So one has to be discerning.  Hindi purkit kinasal ka, niloko ka, forever ka na trapped at dapat magtiis sa isang relationship na walang kwenta.  Kaya nasa sa betrayed party kung mags-stay sya.  And why is it worth staying?  Mahal nyo pa ang isa't isa at pareho ninyo pinapahalagahan ang pagsasama ninyo.  Kung wala iyang ingredients na iyan at isa lang sa inyo ang gumagawa nyan, it is not worth staying. And it is not because you THINK God will prevent pain to touch you again. Nothing wrong with praying, just make sure na you do not sit there blindly but also play your part (nasa tao ang gawa, nasa Diyos ang awa).

[bwiset12]

ask ko lang mga sis. ano ba dapat ang iattitude natin sa naging  anak ni partner sa kabit nya? knowing na sya ang resulta
ng kasalanan ng mga magulang nya.