My Boyfriend's Lover

[karmark16]

Hi. I don't usually like posting personal problems in forums like these but this situation I'm in right now is just so complicated that I need and would appreciate all the advice I can get. Me and my bf have been together for almost 7 years now, just last month we already had plans to get married. However, everything changed when he went on vacation for 3 weeks. we are both based overseas and this was the first time I allowed him to take a leave without me since we're getting married i thought it was OK to give him my trust fully even if our history was not that good.

Coming back from his vacation, when me and my dad went to pick him up (please note that we are living in together, with my parents for the past 7 years) at the airport, his aura seems different, I could sense there was something wrong, he wasn't excited at all to see us it was really weird. First night after the vacation, we made love pa then the next days, I saw someone calling him on skype, when i grabbed his phone, nagalit ba naman sa akin, bakit daw ako nakikialam.

So, I immediately knew na he was hiding something/ someone from me. I tried to be patient with him until I caught him, skyping with his ex-boyfriend (yes, boyfriend po).

For you to fully understand the story, I will trace back our roots, we were best friends before, actually trio kami, me, him and another best friend na lalaki din; I knew from before that he was gay and he had a relationship with yun nga, his ex-bf. I was cool at it at first kasi nga friends lang kami, until one night, while we were sleeping together (ganun kami kaclose noon, walan malisya) he told me that he loved me and started to kiss me, so dun na nagising [textspeak!] feelings ko for him until naging kami while sila pa din nung ex bf nia. After 10 days of being together, I had to move abroad so I had to leave him, kahit na kami pa din, he told me na he ended na his relationship with his ex bf and kami na daw talaga officially he told me na ayaw na daw nia ng ganung buhay at kailangan nia tulong ko, I agreed naman and inside I was happy because he really loved me.

5 months after, sumunod siya s akin abroad, and my parents allowed us to live in together with them (super kakaiba ang set up) fast forward to date, almost 7 years na kami magkasama and we were planning to get married, until that fateful day na nagkita sila sa Pinas ng ex bf niya at nanumbalik ang feelings. he totally forgot about me. I never knew na babalik pa din pala siya sa pagkabakla niya. he told me hat he needs space so he has to move out of our flat muna, and just be with his brother first, na nasa province part ng bansa na tinitirhan namin. my parents of course felt bad about it dahil iniwan niya ako, when they were thinking na magpapakasal na sana kami, ganun sila kasure sa relasyon namin and they treated him very well like their own son, though di nila alam na gay nga siya.

I agreed to give him space, however just recently nalaman ko sa common friend namin na, he actually asked for space dahil hati ang puso niya, dahil hindi niya alam kung si ex bf ba o ako ang pipiliin niya. Imagine after all these years and our struggles together ganito na lang yun? Grabe. I even sent a message to his ex bf na sana hayaan na lang kami, actually the message was very kind, i didnt say anything bad, I even apologized to him dahil alam ko na nasaktan ko siya dati pero wala eh dedma lang, walang konsensya.

Ngayon, naguusap pa din kami ng bf ko, kami pa din namn Complicated lang ang relasyon namin at wala akong ginawa kundi magdasal na kayanin namin ang pagsubok  na ito. ang hirap ng laban na ito feeling ko napaka unfair. he told me na we should not talk about love muna kasi wala daw muna ang love life sa puso niya. We have plans to go to Japan next month, but he told me dadaan daw muna siya ng Pinas ng 6 days, bago kami mag Japan, I asked him for what, sabi lang niya may mission daw siya. I kept thinking na ginagawa nia akong spare tyre just in case di magwork ang relasyon nila. Grabe talaga.

I am in pain all these days, dahil di lang ako nasaktan even our families, dagdag pa doon wala sila idea sa totoong dahilan ng Space na ito. Pakiramdam ko naglalakad ako ng bukas [textspeak!] puso ko nagdudugo, nang walang kayang magsara o tumulong sa akin dahil siya lang ang makakapagsabi kung ano na ba talaga ang lagay namin. lagi niya sinasabi sa akin na prayers lang daw at leave everything to God.

I don't know and I can't imagine kung bakit o paano niya ako nilagay sa ganitong klaseng posisyon. I am just hoping for a miracle na again, ako pa rin ang piliin niya. he told me na dream niya na magka family with me and he says na pag nangyari yun, wala na ang confusion niya. he wanted to get me pregnant. I think naman na gusto niya talaga ng matinong buhay. He really wanted to marry me, kaso this happened. he said na if we get through this, he would rely on my help and understanding, he wants a clean life. Wala naman daw nangyari sa kanila ng ex bf nia nung nagkita sila. I feel bad for him pero I feel worse for myself dahil hindi ko naman talaga deserve lahat ng ito.

What do you think guys? Do you think our love can overcome this mess? Napaka complicated ng lahat at hirap na hirap na ako. Lally na talaga ang peg. Would appreciate all your comments sana po hindi masyadong harsh.

[zelnluv]

Wow sis. Nagimbal ako sa nabasa ko. (Sorry for the term).
Bigla akong nadepress for you.

I know, nothing na masasabi ko o ng ibang girtalker would make the pain go away.
But then, higher the risk, higher the return nga di ba? (Accounting quote).

Let him do his 'mission'. Kasi mukhang no one can stop him naman di ba?
And when he comes back (if he ever does), have that "long" conversation. As in long ate!
Love is a decision, its a choice. So make him choose. Even if that sounded bad.

But one more thing, can you actually be "panatag" if he ever comes back to you?

I know things wont be easy from now on. But hold on lang ate. Pray to God. He'll clear things out.

[purple_leigh97]

Wow! pang telenovela talaga sis.
I think if half hearted siya to spend the rest of his life with you, might as well let it be. Mahirap ipilit ang situation na from the very start labag sa kalooban. Hindi naman kasi pwedeng ikaw lang ang may gusto tapos siya 50/50 ang decision niya. 7 years is long enough naman na para sana marealize niya ano talaga gusto niya sa buhay at matutunan niyang paninidigan yung desisyon niya. Pero still eto, he's confused and he chose to move out. if i were you, hayaan ko nalang siya, kung babalik siya dapat maassure niya na wala ng bawain... pero kung in doubt pa din siya, di bale nalang. KEsa buong buhay kaming dalawa magsuffer

[karmark16]

Hi sis purple_leigh97! I know na lahat ng tao sinasabi sa akin to just let it go, kaya lang everything is still so fresh at eto magkikita pa kami ngaun, though ayaw pa din nia pagusapan ang love. Naisip ko din naman na nasa harap ko na ang sagot iniiwasan ko lang, pero sobrang mahal o t**** ko lang talaga kaya kinakaya ko ang ganitong sitwasyon. Do you think I should give him an  ultimatum kung kelan ko malalaman ang desisyon niya at kung hanggang kailan ang space na ito? or would it be bad kasi pinipressure ko siya? Hay. 

[chicafabulosa]

Sis mas okay na it happened now kesa kasal na kayo. If he is isnt sure if he wants to settle with you, maybe it is a sign na maybe all these years it was not meant to be. Mahirap magpakasal sa di sure, mas mahirap pag tinuloy mo and may bata ng involve. While di pa kayo kasal, give him the space he is asking. Let him think and weigh things. Ikaw ba o si bf. and as for you, kaya mo pa bang tanggapin na he cheatedon you already. Yes he cheated on you na, so kaya mo pa bang ignore and move on once he chose you? Can you still trust him like before? Think about it sis.

[karmark16]

Hi sis Chicafabulosa, salamat sa comments ninyo ni sis purple_leigh97. Tama ka na buti na lang ngayon ito nangyari bago pa kami magpakasal. Mahirap talaga pag confused and yes he cheated on me. Minsan din naiiisip ko na kahit magkaayos kami,  maaaring maulit ang ginawa niya sa akin dahil this is a question of his sexuality pero sis di ko pa masyado binibigyan yun ng importansya dahil sa puso ko gusto ko lang bumalik siya sa akin. Siguro dahil na din sa nag live in kami kaya sobrang attached na ako kaya hanggang ngayon pinaglalaban ko pa din siya at iniitindi. to make the matters worse, first boyfriend ko pa siya kaya ito kahit pinagbabawalan ako ng parents ko na makipagkita sa kanya sige pa rin ako, bulag na bulag talaga sa pagmamahal. Hindi ko alam bakit ako nagkakaganito. 

[chicafabulosa]

You answered your own question sis, kasi nga bulag na bulag ka.

Sis i know it will be hard but you really have to give importance yung thing na you are trying to ignore. Right now, your heart is  your logic and reasoning. But for you to be able to love fully you also need to use your mind.  And also admit it or not, you are scared to get out of your comfort zone. Kasi for 7 years sya ang nakasama mo. Unconsciously sis its the fear of moving on without him kaya you are trying to hold on. Of course nanghihinayang ka sa panahon na you've spent with him. But you also have to think of yourself. Will you be happy knowing he has his own devil he needs to fight all the time just to be with you? Will he ever defeat that? Can you fully trust him if you're not together? Can you always find reason and justify his actions  why he us doing this forever?

[karmark16]

Hi sis chicafabulosa. Tama ka sis nakakahiya man aminin, OO natatakot ako na mawala sa comfort zon dahil sa tagal ng pagsasama namin, dahil sa memories namin na di ko mabura at dahil na din siguro sa bilis ng mga pangyayari. I feel na napakaunfair ng sitwasyon para sa akin. Mentality ko kasi na pag gusto may paraan, kaya hangga't kaya ko pang isave, isisave ko. To answer your questions, No., I don't think I can ever fully trust him again nor always justify his actions. In short, wala na nga atang pagasa, pero heto ako just prolonging my agony...

[karmark16]

Wow sis. Nagimbal ako sa nabasa ko. (Sorry for the term).
Bigla akong nadepress for you.

I know, nothing na masasabi ko o ng ibang girtalker would make the pain go away.
But then, higher the risk, higher the return nga di ba? (Accounting quote).

Let him do his 'mission'. Kasi mukhang no one can stop him naman di ba?
And when he comes back (if he ever does), have that "long" conversation. As in long ate!
Love is a decision, its a choice. So make him choose. Even if that sounded bad.

But one more thing, can you actually be "panatag" if he ever comes back to you?

I know things wont be easy from now on. But hold on lang ate. Pray to God. He'll clear things out.

Hi zelnluv, sorry now ko lang nabasa ang post mo. I understand na nakakadepress nga ang sitwasyon ko ngayon at nakakagimbal naman talaga hehe. about his mission, yun na ata ang pinakamalaking favor na pwede ko gawin para sa isang tao, ang problema kasi I don't think na kaya ko. Minsan naiisip ko, ganito ba magmeasure ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya? Grabe naman. Araw araw ko pinagdadasal talaga sis, sa totoo lang milagro ang pinagdadasal ko na sana... bago pa siya makarating sa Pilipinas ay decided na siya para di na din maging sobrang kumplikado ng sitwasyon.

[donzski_doinks]

sis TS, i agree sa mga sinabi ng mga sis natin dito. tulad nga ng advice ko dun sa isang GT (her problem is about her brother na nabuko nya na bisexual pala), just let him be. give him the time and space that he needs. para makapag-isip. and kung ano man ang maging decision nya sa bandang huli, accept it.

[karmark16]

Hi sis donzski_doinks! Salamat sa advice. I am giving him the space that he needs, I am only worried about the time, dahil hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ang set up namin na ganito. Maybe it would take years? I don't know.  sana masabi niya na sa akin bago pa siya umuwi ng Pilipinas para di na maprolong ang agony ko. Maybe all these time I am fighting for nothing.

[BicuriousGm]

You're are fortunate enough that it happens before marriage. Alam mo sis kahit ano naman advice sabihin namin it's up to you pa din to decide. Pero sabi nga nila that you're blinded...mahirap na mag desisyon if you are totally blinded. I have a friend na 9 years na sila and ikakasal na din, and yet a petty quarrel and turns out they call off the wedding. Lahat ng reservations nila cancelled. At first sobra hirap sa part ng friend ko during that time. Alam mo ngayon everytime pag usapan namin yun...she was thankfull that it happens daw before sya ikasal. Sobra hirap daw sa umpisa pero kahit sino naman makayanan lahat ng hirap na yun little by little mag fade yung pain. So its up to you kung pag hinayangan mo or u act about it. Goodluck!

[karmark16]

Hi BicuriousGm, salamat sa advice. OO alam ko naman na stage itong pinagdadaanan ko ngayon. Grabe 9 years na sila at ikakasal pa, pero di naman gay yung lalaki? Yun na nga ang mali ko, akala ko na may say ang tagal ng relasyon sa tatag nito, hindi pala, it is still up to you and your partner and love is never enough lalo na sa problema namin kasi usapan dito is ang pagkatao niya. Sana nga pag hindi niya ako pinili ay makayanan ko kagaya ng friend mo, sana nga may better plans sa akin si Lord kaya ito nangyayari. I just want to fight muna kahit naman alam ko na almost impossible manalo.

[BicuriousGm]

Di naman ikaw mag decide pala yung Fiance mo...kahit pinag laban mo sya at pinili ka nya.Will you still trust him? Just pray na i guide ka...kung ano man ang mangyari, give respect first sa sarili mo.

[karmark16]

Sis BicuriousGm, Yun na nga ang pinakamabigat dito, ang trust issue. Ako kasi never nagloko sa relasyon namin dahil first bf ko siya. pinagdadasal ko lang na sana.. sana talaga anuman maging decision niya kayanin ko. if ever di niya ako piliin I have to move on, if ever naman na piliin niya ako, I have to live with his issues for the rest of my life, I have to protect him from temptation kaso kung sa 3 weeks nga eh di niya naiwasan ano pa kaya pag LDR kami kagaya ngayon, nasa main city ako siya naman sa province.  Hay Lord please help me.

[BicuriousGm]

Pray ka lang sis...been in a situation about lovelife na may pinag daanan din ako.
Sa una sobra hirap at sakit pero darating din pala yung time na maka move on ka and ibibigay yung para sayo talaga. If he's really meant for you...you have to accept him 100% and if di naman ikaw pinili nya you have to learn to move on. Sa umpisa lang mahirap yan trust me. Goodluck and balitaan mo kami ha.

[karmark16]

Hi sis BicuriousGm,  OO dapat nga prayers lang talaga. I've done so many stupid things because of love, at ngayon pa lang humihingi na ako ng tawad kay Lord dahil sa katangahan ko. if he chooses me, I know na magiging mahirap dahil para kaming magsisimula sa clean slate at ako ang magdadala sa relasyon namin, pero sa tingin ko naman na enough yung love ko sa kanya para kayanin yun. yes sis, babalitaan ko kayo kung ano magiging ending ng love story namin kung si lally ba o si eric ang pipiliin niya (kidding) yung hope na lang ang nagpapalakas sa akin sa ngayon. I believe naman kasi na in 7 years na parang magasawa na din kami we went through all the struggles and triumphs together. Sana nga kaya niyang maovercome ang stage na ito sa buhay niya. sana kayanin namin ito. salamat ng marami sis. 

[Ireneeeeee]

sorry sis pero I'll be frank.. madami rin kasi akong friends na gay and as what they always say.. a bading will always be a bading kaya kahit magbalikan kayo, uulit at uulit lang iyan dilemma nya. Maybe not with his ex na pero sa ibang guys naman. So maybe this SPACE na hinihingi nya is also the right time for you to think it over. Maybe this is also God's way giving you the  time para makapagreflect ka rin sa sarili mo at sa situation nyo. Oh well, if magkakaanak naman din kayo at least, you have a kid/s na para maging distraction (IF EVER lang naman mastress ka nga in the future).

[karmark16]

Sis amethyst028, salamat sa advice. Yups, the only person I can control is me. gulong gulo na din ako sa pagiisip niya. we saw each other last Thursday actually I had overnight at his place. According sa kanya, latest update is di na daw siya dadaan ng Pilipinas, he can find inspiration naman kahit wala sa Pinas. so it means baka may iba na naman siyang nahanap dito... I told him na he can flirt but he must know his limits, sabi naman niya happy na daw siya sa messages sa skype. i dunno if justifiable ba yung inaarte niya ngayon o hindi. complicated pa din ang status namin despite all my efforts. 

[karmark16]

sis Ireneeeeee, it's OK to be frank, even some of our common friends told me that na if he really is Gay na wala ngang pagasa, pero when I asked my bf he told me na he thinks he is more of Bi/ in between kasi isa lang naging bf niya when he had 4 gfs. before me. yun nga kinakatakot ko yung magkaanak pa kami sa sitwasyon na ito it will only make matters worse lalo na pag di pa siya sure sa sarili niya kung ano ba talaga ang gusto niya. Pinagdadasal ko na lang kay God lahat na sana iguide niya ako kung ano na ba ang tamang gawin kasi kahit parents ko/family ko nasasaktan na.