To all married wives: Will you consider living in with your in-laws?

[sarsingkit]

Mahirap talaga maiwasan sa Lolo and Lola yan. It is not that they want exert power over the parent, may natural instinct lang talaga sila to spoil grandkids. Afterall, hindi naman sila ang magsusuffer kung hyper pa rin ang bata hanggang medaling araw dahil sa sweets.

I lived in an extended family when I was young. Sa province, my sister and I lived with grandparents and there are 4 other houses in the same compound where my Titos, Titas, cousins, pamangkins from cousins lived. Kahit samin lang ng sister ko eh, spoiled mga pamangkin namin samin. Lagi ko inuuwian ng chocolate pag galing ako ng school. Pinapainom ko ng coke. Haha. Magugulat na lang pinsan ko saka asawa nya na bakit ayaw matulog. Hehe. Syempre at that time, hindi ko pa naman naiisip na hindi dapat yun. I guess ang bottom line pa rin is, have your own place, para alam ng kids na kayo lang ang adults na dapat sundin.

[ri-anne]

Yeah you're probably right. Gusto lang nila ispoil mga apo. lol. Kaya better talaga separate place nakatira.
Your house, your rules.

[la_pinay]

yes sis Purple_Power we are living with MIL, kasi mag isa na lang sya kaya di maiwan ni hubby. aside from being a control freak, puro problems, worries, at complains ang naririnig ko sa kanya. now that i am pregnant i do not even want to hear her talk. stress much. ayoko lang napag anjan na c baby, magbibida na naman sya, and will over power me.

how do i even tell my husband? ayoko na talaga sa kanila tumira, feels so negative.

[Purple_Power]

^Curious lang ako bakit ka nag aalangan to tell the truth to hubby? Maganda nga sabihin mo sa kanya yung mga nararamdaman mo kasi hubby mo siya. Isa yan sa importante sa marriage.

[raine08]

Hi sissies! I need some advice.
BF is 31 and I'm just 25
He wants to have a family na and Im still hesitant because I dont think we can afford it. He's supporting his mom & brother (house rent, food, meds), he doesnt have any savings at all & I'm supporting my brother's studies, I have savings but not much.

One time we had an argument and out of nowhere he burst out na he wants to have his own family na and Im over thinking things.. I replied, ok lets have our own family and get our own place, kahit rent lang muna (which I really dont like kasi sayang ang pera - but I prefer more than living with FMIL & FBIL). And he said parang pinapapili ko naman daw sya between me and his family.

Btw, FMIL is dependent sakanya but she has monthly pension and BF doesnt know kung saan napupunta.
FBIL 26yo is sobrang makalat sa house and tamad, cant even wash his own clothes and dishes.

I really dunno kung ano ang dapat gawin. I know that he's not getting any younger pero ako naman Im still young and ngayon pa lang nageenjoy. I find it unfair for me to leave the bright future that I have and to settle with him.

And I also am dreaming of engagement first, then wedding, own house.. And now parang hindi mangyayare yun.
I really love him, we're together for 8yrs na but I dont think he's ready to have his own family most especially now na napatunayan kong he cannot leave his mom & brother.

Now Im pressured. HELP!

[j.adore]

Don't get married if you're not ready.

If you can't afford it now, how do you both plan to sustain all 3 families? Kung may detailed plan baka pwede pa. Kung come what may, be ready for consequences.

Tell him to read online what it means to get married and have a family. When it comes down to it, yes, he needs to choose you over his family.
God is first. Wife is second. Children comes after that. So others pang 4th pa.
FamilyShare.com has good articles

Kung may monthly pension naman pala, then give a lesser budget. Check out the thread here "obligation ba ng anak.... "
Dami suggestions on how to address parents like these.

You have so much apprehensions. Tell him all of these even if he gets angry.
Kung yung mga all aspects ready still have marriage problems, what more yung hindi pa ready.

Love is not all we need.
I hope your BF can understand where you're coming from and you both agree to a compromise that will ensure a good future.

Hi sissies! I need some advice.
BF is 31 and I'm just 25
He wants to have a family na and Im still hesitant because I dont think we can afford it. He's supporting his mom & brother (house rent, food, meds), he doesnt have any savings at all & I'm supporting my brother's studies, I have savings but not much.

One time we had an argument and out of nowhere he burst out na he wants to have his own family na and Im over thinking things.. I replied, ok lets have our own family and get our own place, kahit rent lang muna (which I really dont like kasi sayang ang pera - but I prefer more than living with FMIL & FBIL). And he said parang pinapapili ko naman daw sya between me and his family.

Btw, FMIL is dependent sakanya but she has monthly pension and BF doesnt know kung saan napupunta.
FBIL 26yo is sobrang makalat sa house and tamad, cant even wash his own clothes and dishes.

I really dunno kung ano ang dapat gawin. I know that he's not getting any younger pero ako naman Im still young and ngayon pa lang nageenjoy. I find it unfair for me to leave the bright future that I have and to settle with him.

And I also am dreaming of engagement first, then wedding, own house.. And now parang hindi mangyayare yun.
I really love him, we're together for 8yrs na but I dont think he's ready to have his own family most especially now na napatunayan kong he cannot leave his mom & brother.

Now Im pressured. HELP!

[la_pinay]

^ sis Purple_Power, because it might cost our marriage. ilan beses na rin kasi ako nagrant about his mom. im afraid if i continue to do so, eh baka masira rin relationship namin (specially that he's a mama's boy).

[Purple_Power]

^ sis Purple_Power, because it might cost our marriage. ilan beses na rin kasi ako nagrant about his mom. im afraid if i continue to do so, eh baka masira rin relationship namin (specially that he's a mama's boy).

What was his reaction nung nagrant ka na? Or seems that hindi ka niya pinakinggan at binabalewala niya ito? Ito deretsahan na ito ha! Kasi kung ganyan lang then ano pa ang sense na inasawa ka niya kung mas iintindihin niya yung Nanay niya. Siya talaga dapat ang mag-ayos niyan, kung masisira ang relasyon niyo nandahil sa factor na hindi kayo magkasundo ng MIL aba! ito na nga yung paulit ulit kong sinasabi kahit sa iba na much better pakasalan na lang niya Nanay niya kung ang priority pala niya ay yung kanyang ina kesa sayo. Sad to say ibang tao pa rin ang trato niya sayo hindi asawa. Kasi kung asawa talaga ang pakiramdam niya sayo kahit anong sabihin mo ikaw ang priority. And to tell you frankly anong klaseng asawa siya kung hahayaan niyang masira ang relasyon niyo bilang asawa nandahil lang sa MIL mo. Kung umabot na kayo sa argument kung pwede lang pakisabi nagtatago ka rin lang sa saya ng Nanay mo, parang kang hindi asawa. Ito lang ha! So what kung Mama's boy yan? Eh maigi pa nga na wag nang mag-asawa yan. Example ko lang yung akin ah! si hubby ang nagpalaki sa kanya talaga yung Lola lang niya and to tell you the truth ang halos naging both Ama at Ina niya ay ang Lola niya. It is true naghirap itong Lola niya although itong mother nagpapadala lang and ang trato niya kay hubby responsibilidad lang rather than a son itself. Long story. Ramdam ko naman yung pagmamahal ng hubby ko sa Lola niya kahit anong mangyari. My hubby keeps on telling a good side about his Granny pero nung una pa lang duda na ako sa ugali niya. At kapag nagkekwento parating mga Tito niya na walang utang na loob kay Granny, so dahil listener ka magkakaroon ka ng sympatya sa Lola at maiirita ka sa Tito. And ito na nga nung tumira ako I saw everything. Honestly nag-alangan ako sabihin kay hubby yung totoo, dumaan rin ako sa ganyan. Kasi alam mo yun, the effect of marriage. Nung una in denial si hubby, yet sinasagot sagot pa niya ako at pinagtatanggol pa niya Lola niya. Pero umabot sa point na nakipag-away akong matindi kay hubby at sinasabi ko totoo na nakakatamad namang umuwi sa kanila. Nag-adjust itong Lola to me dahil nga sa away namin ni hubby, as I mentioned before kapag may topak siya exempted na ako sa pinagbabalingan niya. Although kahit andito na ako sa parents ko ayun naulit kong awayin si hubby about Lola niya, kasi alam mo yung impact. Natauhan rin ako na bakit hindi namin ito pinag-usapan sa decision making ng pag-aasawa namin. At siempre doon ko narealize yung karapatan ko bilang asawa na kung ano dapat, at kung saan ang limits nila. Kaya in your case I tell you now na kapag hindi mo pa inagapan yan then sabi ko nga in the end ikaw talaga ang talo dyan kung mananahimik ka pa rin. You'll never know that your MIL will be more abusive yet siya mismo ang makakasira sa relasyon niyong mag-asawa. Later on yung asawa mo mismo baka manaig rin ang galit mo sa kanya at mawala na yung love mo sa kanya dahil sa MIL mo. Pwedeng mangyari yan.

Hi sissies! I need some advice.
BF is 31 and I'm just 25
He wants to have a family na and Im still hesitant because I dont think we can afford it. He's supporting his mom & brother (house rent, food, meds), he doesnt have any savings at all & I'm supporting my brother's studies, I have savings but not much.

One time we had an argument and out of nowhere he burst out na he wants to have his own family na and Im over thinking things.. I replied, ok lets have our own family and get our own place, kahit rent lang muna (which I really dont like kasi sayang ang pera - but I prefer more than living with FMIL & FBIL). And he said parang pinapapili ko naman daw sya between me and his family.

You cannot serve 2 masters at the same time. May inateran nga akong kasal ang tinanong ng Pare sa groom kung sino ang pipiliin niya yung family niya o yung bride. Kasi kung hindi niya pipiliin yung wife eh hindi na nila itutuloy ang kasal. Nasa bible yun eh! I forgot the verse. Harshly speaking mamimili talaga ang isa sa couple kung sino ang priority niya in terms of responsibilities. Unless na lang money is not issue to your bf na kaya niya talagang pagsabayin ang magbigay sa family niya and at the same time magampanan rin niya ang responsibilidad bilang asawa at ama. Pero dahil sabi mo wala nga syang savings then huwag mag-asawa kung hindi niya mabitawan ang pamilya niya pagdating sa pagtulong financially. Ang hirap kasi sa old generation mentality ang utang na loob na pagnatapos na ang responsibilidad nila it is time for you to give in return sa pinaghirapan nila. Tapos kapag mag-aasawa sasama ang loob. I am wondering kung ano rin ang ginawa nila bago sila nag-asawa at anak. 

Btw, FMIL is dependent sakanya but she has monthly pension and BF doesnt know kung saan napupunta.
FBIL 26yo is sobrang makalat sa house and tamad, cant even wash his own clothes and dishes.

I really dunno kung ano ang dapat gawin. I know that he's not getting any younger pero ako naman Im still young and ngayon pa lang nageenjoy. I find it unfair for me to leave the bright future that I have and to settle with him.

And I also am dreaming of engagement first, then wedding, own house.. And now parang hindi mangyayare yun.
I really love him, we're together for 8yrs na but I dont think he's ready to have his own family most especially now na napatunayan kong he cannot leave his mom & brother.

Now Im pressured. HELP!

Siya pala ang may gusto na magkaroon ng sariling pamilya pag-usapan niyo talaga mabuti kung paano yung priorities, responsibilities, expenses at magsisimula talaga ito sa tanong na PAANO ITO! PAANO YAN! PAANO NA LANG KUNG GANITO AT GANYAN.

If he insist again about having own family sabihin mo sa kanya ang mga KARAPATAN MO! bilang Asawa at Ina, ididiin mo talaga na IKAW ANG PRIORITY. Ano pa ang sense na magpapakasal kayo at mag-aasawa kung mas bibigyan niya ng priority ang ina at kapatid niya. Ako na rin nagsasabi sayo na huwag na huwag kang papayag na tumira ka with his mom and brother dahil malaking gulo yan. At kapag sinabi niya na sabay kayo at pareho kayong priority niya, ako na mismo nagsasabi sayo na Malaking Kalokohan yan, you know why? mas bibigyan pa rin niya ng pansin ang pamilya niya at ikaw ang una niyang aawayin kapag hindi mo nakasundo ang Nanay at kapatid niya. Ikaw ang lalabas na masama and most likely ibang tao pa rin ang magiging trato niya sayo. Isang malaking sampal sa pagkatao yung pinagtatanggol nila ang pamilya nila kesa sa asawa at anak niya. Huwag mong ikatakot kung ang iisipin sayo ay selfish ka. Aba! talagang ganun, ginusto ng bf mo na asawahin ka eh! Ako nga eh! inamin ko talaga kay hubby na nafrustrate akong hindi niya ako binukod binigyan niya pa ako ng Monster In Law. Maiintindihan ko pa sana yung fact na hindi niya ako binukod or hindi man lang kami naging independent. Sinabi ko rin sa kanya talaga na inuuna mo parati Lola mo. Ngayon minsan na lang umuwi si hubby sa kanila.

[raine08]

The thing is, parang wala pa syang balak na magpakasal. Gusto nya mauna ang baby.
It really saddens me na magkaiba kami ng gustong mangyare.
He wants to have a baby, not planning it, not saving for it, come what may / he wants us to leave with his mother and brother.

As for me, I want us to sit down and talk about the future before I get pregnant - expenses, OWN house (kahit rent muna), savings.
I dont think its impossible since we both have work.

I really am enjoying my life right now but Im willing to settle with him anytime he ask me.

Hindi ko tuloy alam if I just wasted 8yrs being with him. Its really depressing na wala na nga syang plano sa future, ititira pa nya ko sa hindi namin sariling space.

After we talked about it its like nothing happened.

[la_pinay]

thanks sis ang galing mo naman na convince mo c hubby bumukod. financially dependent din samin c MIL eh. buti na lang ngayon ako na nagbubudget. kahit papano i feel a sense of control. one day i know aabot rin ako sa point na yan. nag iipon pako lakas ng loob.

[patriciaheart]

yes sis Purple_Power we are living with MIL, kasi mag isa na lang sya kaya di maiwan ni hubby. aside from being a control freak, puro problems, worries, at complains ang naririnig ko sa kanya. now that i am pregnant i do not even want to hear her talk. stress much. ayoko lang napag anjan na c baby, magbibida na naman sya, and will over power me.

how do i even tell my husband? ayoko na talaga sa kanila tumira, feels so negative.

Hinde dapat ikaw ang umasikaso sa nanay nya kundi sya dahil sya ang nag dala ng family nya saiyo. If it bothers you so, I suggest going to your girlhood home for vacation, at least a week. You deserve kahit konting peace. If that is not an option, be conscious of times na nag sasalita sya, as much as possible no interaction. Be polite, greet her good morning etc but other than that wag na, have a book in hand,pretend to read it, wear headphones listen to music. Do your house chores para walang masumbat pero other than that wag ka mag strike-up ng conversation. If you can take longer showers or trips to the mall/store just to get away from her, do it. Seek an arrangement after you give birth, may yaya ba or si MIL ang mag aalaga. Wag mo rin alisin sa isip mo yung finding a happy compromise, it makes your husband feel better.

[la_pinay]

^on point sis. i go home to my parents every week end to have peace of mind (sorry to say pero I can not stand a whole day with MIL). i also do not interact much like i used to before, kasi naging comfortable sya and wala ng preno sa mga sinasabi. so now i am definitely maintaining distance. civil and polite lang. when she starts talking negatively or complaining, i just keep quiet and let my husband take the toll. i keep my cool kasi baka mabastos ko sya pag sumagot ako. doesn't mean na it doesn't bother me though.

now i am thinking of a compromise once i give birth. we're getting a yaya but that is something they both have to adjust with kasi they never had one (had to negotiate it with hubby pa.) also, i am staying with my parents for the whole time i am on maternity leave. something i am very much looking forward to. haha!

[IamBlessed1111]

For.me i prefer  to have my own  privacy kasama ni husband.
Though  aala nang parents asawa ko at hindi ko sila nakilala but still if they were still alive mas gusto naka bukod

[Kailarueluka]

there can only be one queen in the house. so its never gonna happen for me. 
having a place of our own is one of my requirement before saying "i do" to my hubby. 

[blackgreen]

Almost half month nagbakasyon sa amin SIL ko. Di ko talaga nakikita sarili kong makakasama sa bahay in-laws. Buti na lang bakasyon lang to. Iba pa rin yun kayo lang mag-asawa or family ang nasa bahay. Yun asawa ko nagdedepend sa amin  sa akin tsaka sa kapatid niya. Ayoko ng ganun. Sabi ko nga unti unti ko ng nararamdaman na im not the queen of the house. So diko talaga ito macoconsider. Hindi talaga option na hindi kami nakabukod titira.

[halsimkarim]

^ thanks sa mga nag advice sakin dito. I just want to seek advice since di ko na kaya tumira with my father-in-law ayaw naman ni husband gusto ko na sya hiwalayan. Pero tuwing gagawin ko mga sis kukunin daw nya anak ko at pupuntahan daw nya ako sa bahay namin at mangugulo daw sya. Ayoko na kasi madagdag stress sa papa ko lalot mas naging malungkutin sya recent lang namatay ang mother ko. Please help.. Really IN-LAWS will break marriage. Masmahal ng asawa ko family nya kesa samin.. Pero pag andito ka na pala sa stage na hiwalayan ang hirap din pala. 

[Purple_Power]

^Ito sabihin mo sa asawa mo kung mas mahal niya family niya kesa sa inyo. Ano pa ang saysay na inasawa ka niya at nag-anak pa siya sayo. Sa totoo lang kung ako, ang mararamdaman ko dyan, maiinsulto talaga pagkababae ko at pagkatao ko at the same time. Kasi feeling ko ginamit lang ako para lang magkaanak tapos tinatrato pa rin niya akong ibang tao. Hindi yan tratong pang asawa kundi empleyado ka niya o di kaya kasambahay sa kanila.

This is my strong suggestion now. You MUST BUY SPY CAMERA. Ako meron ako nun pero nagamit ko yun sa bahay for some other reason. Hindi sa asawa ko ah! Meron rin akong Spy Pen. I am telling you to have this para ma capture mo yung statement ng asawa mo and at the same time a clear proof na ganyan ang sinabi ng asawa mo. Pananakot yung ginawa niya in which I think subject to legal grounds na yun. Kapag kinuha niya anak mo sa bahay niyo it is considered as trespassing pero dapat pa blotter mo muna siya sa inyo sa baranggay niyo. Kung in case na may plan ka na for hiwalayan, I strongly advise dapat ngayon pa lang you must seek legal advise from a lawyer kung ano yung gagawin at sabihin mo sa kanya na tinatakot ka niya na guguluhin ka niya sa inyo. Saka itanong mo sa lawyer kung sino ang mas may karapatan sa anak? Or kung ano ang gagawin in terms of responsibility kapag nagseparate na kayo. Sabihin mo sa lawyer na you can't seriously live with father in law.

[Shadow Angel]

No for both sides until malakas pa parents. If magkakasakit at nag iisa na lang or old na talaga un pede pa. But they are still strong and healthy. We value our privacy. sometimes we walked at the house underwear lang suot. And we can wake up anytime we want during off days. And i can tell I have good relationship with my in-laws. Mahirap kasi na lahat ng ugali natin kita ng in-laws. Sometimes we sleep over sa in-laws for 1-2 nights lang.

[annasui]

NO! But then wala akong choice, only child ang hubby ko and yung MIL ko matagal ng single.

Alam naman ni hubby ang ugali ng MIL ko kahit sha matagal na imbey sa kanya, kase nga para nga daw di nanay ang dating. 1 year na rin kame nakatira dun, uncomfortable lang gumalaw shempre nakikitira lang naman ako dun. You know MIL's mapuna, pero pinupuna lang nya ako pag wala si hubby kase di naman nya kaya ang hubby ko. WW 3 sila pag ganun haha! Katulad na lang ng pagliligpit ng mga damit namen after magpa-laundry, dapat daw ako nagliligpit nun. Si hubby kase e super sipag even bf-gf pa lang kame, nasanay kase sha gumawa ng sarili nya so minsan gusto nya sha nag-aayos. E ako naman nagliligpit talaga, so yun sinagot ko mejo nga pabalang haha ayun tahimik sha. Palibhasa di nya kase inaayos mga gamit ng anak nya, ni mapagluto nga ng pagkain hindi e eversince.

Kame na lahat nagbabayad ng expenses sa bahay, except ang pagpapalaba weekly sabi MIL sha na daw dun. E nawalan sha work so kame muna ni hubby sumagot. May usapan sila ni hubby na pag nagka-work ulit, sha na again ang magbabayad. 1 month na sha may work, so 2 weeks ago lumapit saken helper kinukuha na nga ang payment. Sabi ni hubby sabihin ko wala iniwan saken, so yun lumapit sha kay MIL. Aba after nun padabog-dabog na ng door nya hanggang makarating si hubby from work, na napansin ni hubby at nainis na rin sha.

Nilapitan daw sha ni MIL, ask kung share kame sa gastusin sa bahay so there shempre sabi nya oo. E nasa garage ako pasakay car bilang aalis kame ni hubby, narinig daw ni hubby na parang nagpaparinig "Dapat lang share kayo mag-asawa kayo e." Nainis asawa ko ni-confront nya, sabi nya "Nagpaparinig ka ata e" di daw sumagot si MIL. Buti di ko narinig yun mismo kundi nagpintig ang tenga ko mga sis! Pagkaalis namen ni hubby chaka nya knwento, na highblood talaga ako. Sabi ko sa halagang 400 lang susme sana binayaran ko na lang ako pa napasama. Kung wala naman sila usapan ng anak nya e di sige ibibigay ko. Very vocal ako sa asawa ko eversince na gusto ko may sarili kame bahay, so sinabi ko na naman sa kanya yun that day e wala talaga choice. Sabi ko di ko na talaga papansinin nanay nya ever dahil nga nakakawala ng amor and nakaka-BV. So sa kwarto lang ako lagi stay, madalas gusto ko sa labas or sa bahay ng parents ko pag weekend para walang stress lalo pa ngayon preggy ako (si hubby pa nagpapapunta saken dun since may pasok sha pag Saturdays).

Basta mahirap, lalo kumilos kase yun nga, nakikitira lang ako.

[Shadow Angel]

^pacomment lang bakit ganun treatment nyo sa MIL kahit un hubby mo parang hindi Nanay. Ilang taon na si MIL? Sa akin lang ha kung ok work ko hindi ko n para pagastusin Nanay ko sa expenses sa house. Pinapatulan pa ng hubby mo. Kung nagpaparining man kailangan pa balikan.