Dealing with the step daughter/husband/myself

[kikaygimikera]

Hi mga sis! Once again I am here seeking your honest opinion. Wala na naman akong makausap and I do not know how to handle this kind of emotion.

I recently got married to my 3 year boyfriend who happens to have 7 year old daughter from his ex girlfriend. The ex girlfriend is my husbands first girlfriend and ako na ang sumunod. The reason for their break-up kasi the ex girlfriend wanted my husband to commit but my mother-in-law didn't approve with the idea because the ex girlfriend had this record for being the "girlfriend of bayan". Ang nangyari, the ex girlfriend eh nag-rebelde. Naghanap ng ibang boyfriend. Her boyfriend now is also a college classmate of my husband.

The last time my step daughter visited was last New Year and then ngayon na lang. The truth is I was hoping hindi tumupad sa usapan ang ex girlfriend ni husband and hindi na matuloy ang bata. Maybe I am threatened or maybe I have been seeking my husband's attention and I wanted quality time with him. Or maybe, I am plain selfish.

I know, minsan na mang sila magkita kaya hinahayaan ko last night mapunta sa bata ang attention ng husband ko. Pero nasaktan ako nung:

1. I asked the husband if magsisimba ba kami. He said "walang kotse" it means NO. And then he overheard his mom na aalis daw sila ng daughter niya going to the mall. Sabi ni husband, sige sama na lang ako sa inyo. Hindi ako kasama. Dapat ba kasama ako? Before naman magkakasama kami. Bakit ngayon hindi? Sensitive lang ba ako? Insecure?

2. Triny ko makipag bonding sa daughter nya I even taught her to ride the bike. Pero biglang nagscooter yung daughter nya and because the floor sa veranda is wet because of the rain, nadapa yung bata. Tinawag ko ang husband ko and kinuha niya yung daughter niya and telling me na "dapat kasi di na kayo naglalaro alam niyo naman na basa e!"

3. Umalis na sila. My husband did not bring his wedding ring. I texted and called him. He didnt answer any of my calls.

I dont know what is happening mga sis. Ako lang ba ito? Ang sama sama ng pakiramdam ko. I wanted to cry and sleep pero sleeping is not an option kasi kanina triny ko na and napanaginipan ko si ex gf and si husband, pinapili ko si husband and he chose the ex over me.

PLEASE HELP. Ang sama sama ng loob ko. Ang sakit sakit.

[aquacharly]

The last time my step daughter visited was last New Year and then ngayon na lang. The truth is I was hoping hindi tumupad sa usapan ang ex girlfriend ni husband and hindi na matuloy ang bata. Maybe I am threatened or maybe I have been seeking my husband's attention and I wanted quality time with him. Or maybe, I am plain selfish.

I know, minsan na mang sila magkita kaya hinahayaan ko last night mapunta sa bata ang attention ng husband ko. Pero nasaktan ako...

Why feel threatened?  You are the wife living with him day-in, day-out.
Bihira the kid visits.  You mention no unusual demands from the kid and/ex too.
So, are you selfish?  hehe

I don't think so.
You may just be what we followers of Jung call a Hera. 
To over-simplify the definition: a Hera needs to feel she is The Only One Loved.  Hehe
If your husband lets you take the lead on how the visiting  kid will be accommodated & treated -- kung ikaw calling the shots -- you will most likely be more generous and also, not feel threatened/insecure. .

So...

1. I asked the husband if magsisimba ba kami. He said "walang kotse" it means NO. And then he overheard his mom na aalis daw sila ng daughter niya going to the mall. Sabi ni husband, sige sama na lang ako sa inyo. Hindi ako kasama. Dapat ba kasama ako? Before naman magkakasama kami. Bakit ngayon hindi? Sensitive lang ba ako? Insecure?

Went to the mall in a car?
Kung "walang kotse" eh baka you've shown discomfort or reluctance previously when you went  off without use of a car. Think that over well, no judgment.
So, your hubby may just have assumed you wouldn't exactly be eager to go -- andyan naman mom nya, so ok na sila lang 3.  I do not think he intended to exclude you, as in out ka.  He's just a regular guy who doesn't over think stuff like this.

As for No.2:  darling, talaga naman:  "Watch your step, wet floor". -- di ba common sign yan?
Just accept you were careless there, end of story. Buti the kid didn't get wounded nga eh sa pagka dulas.

As for No.3....
I honestly don't see what motivation your husband will have to INTENTIONALLY leave his wedding ring behind.  Teka, are they meeting up with the EX? Hmmm ibang cuento na yan if so... If so, revise ko din opinion ko for No.1 (No.2 stays as is. Hehe).

Going back, IF your texts eh ma-"emo" -- he may ignore these to give you time to calm down & see how you are fanning your imagined fears.  He is actually helping you to not make mountains out of molehills. 

As for not picking up calls -- naku, I myself am guilty of that when in noisy places. .

How long is that kid visiting? 1 day? 1 week? Surely, not for 1 month/year. 
Kaya mong hindi mag imagine ng mamaw; hindi mag isip na inaagawan ka ng pagmamahal ng husband mo; hindi makipag compete sa 1, ha - isang bata;  hindi mag emo melt down ---  within that 1 day or 1 week.

You are a Hera that needs to act like an Artemis now (to over-simplify:  logical thinker). 
Do not let your emotions control your mind in this situation. 

There is nothing to be afraid of, to fight over.  Breathe!   

[kikaygimikera]

Sis @aquacharly, thank you once again. Yes I admit ganon siguro ako. As you know diba I have been recently annulled and got married again. I do not know how many have you helped here in Girltalk but I was the one who you helped and had this therapy in Makati. I have taken your advice in getting justice over my son and getting financial support from the father and well, annulment.

So going back, maybe thats me: a Hera. The Only One Loved. Gusto ko ako lang ang love ni husband. Alam mo before when we were not married pa, okay naman kami. Although todo effort yun on my part kasi deep inside I do not like the mother and the kid (may influence na kasi ng mom ng konti)

Re. the car, no -- okay ako may car or not. It's just we are living up north and the church is like in Makati pa. We always go there may car. Ako I have no issues if commute or not. Siya ang ayaw mag commute talaga. Kaya before I make sure everytime we go out we use the car. Kaya nagtataka naman ako.

Btw, I have talked to the husband about this, he said "inaya ka naman diba?" I said "Oo, pero paanong inaya? 'sama ka? eh napanood niyo na yung movie no? so wag na lang?'" Tapos my husband said na "eh alam mo naman yun si mama eh. sana pala sumama ka samin."

My point is siguro I felt neglected nga kasi the husband declared na he's coming with the motherinlaw and her daughter date and later on na lang niya ako tinanong if I want to come.

I texted my husband nakalimutan mo ang wedding ring mo. He was like "nakalimutan ko, dito na kami mall" and then I texted him again "Naiwan or iniwan?" he replied "Naiwan ko pati [textspeak!] isang ring. (he's wearing two rings kasi).

I do not know if its intentional or paranoid lang ako sis. Yes, they are meeting up the ex because ibabalik na nga ang daughter sa mommy niya. After maibalik yung bata, to be very honest, naiinis ako pagnaririnig name ng daughter niya, kesho may naiwan daw na toy dito sa bahay, if nakita ko ba daw.

The kid was visiting her father every two weeks... and that was before. Pero nagkaproblem sila ni husband, tapos nalaman ni ex na ako ang pinakasalan, siguro sobrang inis (i'd like to think that), she demanded bigger sustento which the husband can no longer afford (kasama pati pang mani/pedi niya, promise!) so ang ginawa ni ex ay pinutol niya communication with the kid and the father. I told my husband to stop begging kasi eventually they will ask and contact us again. Ayun nga after 6 months they contacted us. Tuwing birthday ng daughter (August) and Christmas lang pinapa communicate. Feeling namin ni MIL eh its because they want gifts.

Is this natural? Naiisip ko sis after ng plans namin magaanak na ako with my husband even if he doesnt want kids. Bahala na. Thanks again

[aquacharly]

KIKAYGIMIKERA, darling -- DON'T please say "bahala na". No, you can't leave it up to Batman.

You have come a loooonnnggg way to where you are.
You are still sorting out your emotions towards your hubby's kid -- normal lang yan.
I myself am a very impatient, strong-willed person BUT I tell you as per my experiences --  do NOT get Inis or impatient. Pag nainis ka -- you can't think clearly.
Take time to sort out your reactions, oo ka pagod/kainis but it pays to understand where you are, and why you have certain reactions.

Now, your hubby is not yet ready to have more kids. His and yours are enough.
Nothing wrong with that.
Keep in mind, kids will not guarantee happiness, commitment nor fidelity.
IMO, take things slowly. Enjoy your adjustment to each other as a married couple.
Keep things cool and uncomplicated. 
If there's another thing I learned the hard way:  it is more effective to tread softly; to gently move everything along. It is when we force it, push and blow strong that forces/people collide & 1 party digs in/becomes immovable/refuses to negotiate. 

Another fact: per a few male BFFs -- pregnancy must really really really be a joint decision. When they are not open to it (yet) -- and the woman gets preggers  -- the man may have enough manners to not show grrrr/suya. But you can bet he feels he wasn't given enough consideration (not listened to)/importance -- there is resentment. How long before  the resentment evaporates, it's anybody's guess -- so why risk it?
Give him more time to reconsider his current no-more-kids stance.