I don't want to get stressed! I want to move out! (Living with In-Laws)

[iammisslawyer]

Hi girltalkers! I'm a soon to be mom and been living with in-laws for four months now.  I got pregnant ahead of our plans of settling down, so  we're really not prepared for this financially.  My hubby was then living with his two sisters with their grandmother staying with them since they move to Manila to study.   Although she can stay in the province, it has been their set up for years as she gets bored staying there. My husband's mom is staying in the province but visits our place once or twice a month.  if she cannot come, another aunt of theirs comes to bring supplies of food and groceries for the household every week.

I was told before that a maid wont stay that long with them because of the grandmother.  But during my occassional visit/stay in their place as his girlfriend then, i haven't encountered any problem with her.

They employed a maid when i moved in to help us with the household chores and to help me as well since i am pregnant and on my first trimester.   I didnt have much difficulty staying in their place then coz the maid made it to a point that food is ready as soon as we get up in the morning, took care of the laundry and dishes as well.

I'm not that close with my husband's sisters but i made it to a point, that although im not a people person, i reach out to them as much as i can.   I even initiate conversations with them. However, i feel like i'm still a stranger to them, especially to the youngest.  Sometimes, I feel i dont exist.  She will just answer either "Yes" or "No" when i ask something.  if she's the one who'll open the door for me, she'll just open it and turn her back right after and without saying a word, she'll go upstairs. 

I thought in time, it will pass. As a new couple, we also fight occassionally.   In some of our fights, i even considered moving out.   Maybe i find it so hard to adjust and living with in-laws makes it more difficult for me to handle my pregnancy.  It is still their house and their rules.   Although they dont bother much on what i do, still i cant deny the fact that i am a stranger there.

Two months ago, our maid went home to attend a family event. She wasnt able to go back as promised as she needs to be operated asap for a medical condition which requires at least a month or two of rest thereafter.  Since then, the grandmother takes care of the laundry but i still wash my pambahay clothes and underwear.   I noticed, however, that she only gets my husbands clothes in the hamper and leaves mine.  She stopped preparing breakfast because she knows my husband and his sisters will just drink hot coffee or chocolate drink in the morning, so she only prepares those things.   On several instances, although i cannot understand exactly what she is saying as she always talk in their dialect, instinct and gut feel tell me that she's talking about me.   I dont know if she's acting that way because theyve seen us arguing on several occassions.  I dont know pero i feel like hindi makatao. Maybe because im pregnant.   A pregnant woman gets hungry from time to time.  I can cook but since it isnt my place, i cannot just leave everything even if il get late for work.   TWhen we eat together, i wash the dishes and they will either watch tv or go upstairs. Or the grandmother will just stay in the sofa.  I swear masakit masyado sa back to wash even just three sets of plates kapag youre on your 2nd tri or 3rd tri and the uterus is expanding! 

In the beginning i felt like my husband is planning to have them with us even if eventually we'll be able to buy our own house.  though impliedly, alam ni hubby that i dont like the idea.

I've been always vocal to my husband that i want us to move out.  The setup is not helping me.  But i have to understand and be more patient since hubby is still paying monthly amortization for his car.  Plus, for him, if we would rent a place of our own, it will be a waste of money.  His idea is to save the money for the downpayment of a house.  But honestly, i feel like the longest i can stay there is only until next year.

[mslcgrey]

^ sis, i assume that both your hubby's sisters are still studying. if they are, sino ba ang nagpapa-aral sa kanila or nagbibigay ng allowance nila? si hubby mo ba. because if that is the case, then one of the reasons why they are cold to you kasi baka your pregnancy hindered their plans. ikaw na rin nagsabi unplanned ang pregnancy mo. siyempre, ang mga sis and his grandma baka naiinis kasi nga instead na tumutulong pa sa family eh nasira because of the pregnancy and baka ikaw ang sinisisi nila kasi bakit mo hinayaan na mabuntis ka. sad to say, may mga family na ganyan.

so for now, tiis nga talaga muna. if nahihirapan ka talaga, then maghanap ka na ng maid at kahit ikaw na ang magpasweldo. may work ka naman based sa kwento mo. habang wala, then what if hindi ka sumabay sa kanila sa pagkain? i mean if hindi mo sila kasabay then no choice sila but to wash their own dishes, right? sa paglalaba, marami namang laundry shops. if nahihirapan ka na talaga then that is a choice. since grandma yan ng hubby mo, since matanda na rin siya, eh wag ka rin umasa na isasama niya ang damit mo. kahit ako, hindi ko lalabhan ang damit mo if ako si grandma.

sis, i know you are pregnant and it is difficult for sure. but i guess hindi naman high-risk ang pregnancy mo since nakakapagwork ka pa so pregnancy does not mean hindi na tayo pwede gumalaw. siguro ask your hubby's help na rin sa mga bagay na hirap ka na.

as for breakfast pala, bili ka na lang ng mga breakfast na mabilis i-prepare like oatmeal, sandwiches, fruits, etc. of course, dapat healthy food pa rin for you and your baby.

i wish you a safe pregnancy!

[switblububbles]

i had problems with my MIL...i moved out with my baby...but sadly hubby chose his family over me and our baby...we separated

[sistah!]

TS, tiis ka muna if possible pa. minsan pregnancy hormones make you more sensitive sa mga nangyayari sa paligid mo.

as sis mslcgrey said, baka medyo inis din sila kasi nga hindi planned yung pregnancy. it takes a while to accept talaga pag wala sa plano. you are lucky that they are not directly mean to you because I've heard some stories na talagang bad yung treatment ng in laws. minsan din kasi, may adjustment sa new situation sa house. im sure medyo mahirap sa inyo ang adjustment at puro pa naman kayo babae. usually naman, pag may baby na, everyone kinda lightens up. let's hope that happens to you. you seem to be level headed din knowing that it is not easy to move out kapag may binabayaran pang kotse at kung ano ano pa. the expenses will also pile up kapag andyan na ang baby kaya maybe you just need to take it easy muna. don't spend too much time thinking about household chores. get a helper and ikaw na magbayad, kahit hindi stay-in. meron naman na ganung arrangement. you can also consider Laundromats for your laundry, food delivery for your needs (especially breakfast) or preparing food in advance na (like cook at night, eat in the morning) to make things easier muna. you need to start looking at alternatives and having your husband on board sa mga bagay na yan. pag andyan na si baby, kailangan sya ang aasahan mo...

[girl24]

sis iammisslawyer, i understand that you are emotional right now because of your pregnancy but you still have to move about and be active even if you are 2 mons preggy. dumaan din naman ako dyan, twice pa nga. kayang kaya naman maghugas ng pinggan kahit more than 3 sets isama pa ang mga kaldero. i also did some laundry though washing machine. sampay sampay na lang. through all these chores i still go to work M-F and sometime even render OT when necessary. kaya naman kahit buntis kaya household chores UNLESS your OB advised you to undergo bedrest.

[Scubadoobidoo]

I think kelangan mo talaga mag tiis muna. As you said even without the baby on the way you guys cant afford to live on your own na what more with a baby on the way. From your narrative things are not as bad as they seem naman.  Hindi ka naman binubugbug. And to be honest mahihiya ako to let the grandmother wash the dishes.  One way [textspeak!] is to tell you hubby to talk to his siblings to be more responsible. Mahiya naman sila to let the lola and a pregnant woman do the dishes and household chores. Tama advice ng iba dito get a labandera or pa laundry mo nalang damit nyo.

[evilwoman]

@TS - hija,you cannot expect the lola todo your laundry.kakahiya naman.. isama mo na din pagluluto. Kung sila e ipinagluluto ipinaglalaba araw-araw ng lola nila well..sorry mga tamad sila.wag mo na pamarisan.
Kung pakiramdam mo di mo kaya mga gawaing bahay,gaya ng sabi ng mga sis dito,kuha ka ng sariling maid or better yet,ask your husband na gumawa nun para sa yo.

[kiz_me1109]

@TS

- I understand how exactly you feel right now. However, I don't understand why you expect the Lola to wash dishes, cook and do the laundry for you. When I was pregant with our first born, we live in an apartment with his Aunt. I still go to work when I was pregnant. Pero ako parin naman naglalaba ng damit namin mag asawa and I still have time to cook for us. Of course, my husband helps me with the chores since habang lumalaki yung tiyan ko e hindi e nahihirapan din ako.

When I was hospitalized due to preterm labor, my in laws decided na dun na kami sa kanila. Dahil sa kinagaulian na ni [textspeak!] na siya nagluluto sa family e sinasama na ako while MIL does the laundry.

I never had problems with my in laws. At least sa parents in law ko.

But It's still hard to live with your in laws. Because it's their house, you have to follow their rules and kailangan mo talaga makisama.

If I were you, you talk to your husband and ask him kung pwede maghanap na kayo ng malilipatan bago ka manganak. If hindi niyo pa kayang bumili ng bahay e huwag niyo na muna pilitin. Kesa naman na s stress ka habang kasama mo yung in laws mo.

[popi]

Baka pregnancy hormones lang yan sis kaya extra emotional and sensitive ka.

I can relate to your situation - Im currently 4.5 mos preggy and been living with in law for 2 months na.  But before that naman, every weekend ako sa kanila kaya medyo nasanay na din ako sa habits nila.

Mabait in laws ko and they treat me well, pero Im trying to be pro-active.  Yung mga bagay na pwedeng maging source of conflict namin, medyo iniiwasan ko na.  Kapag wala yung maid, ako hugas ng pinggan kahit medyo masakit sa balakang. Nagpapa-soft massage na lang ako kay hubby after. Hehe.  Yung luto lang talaga, hindi kasi ako magaling dyan kaya nahihiya ako magluto kapag para sa lahat.  Nagluluto lang ako kapag umaalis sila and kami lang ni hubby ang kakain, kasi at least kahit palpak kakainin pa rin ni hubby yung luto ko.  Hehe

Naglalaba din ako nung una, kahit undies man lang. Lately lang hindi na masyado kasi masakit na talaga sa likod ko, malaki kasi tyan ko eh, parang pang 6 months na (takaw ko kasi  :p  ).  So I made sure na lang na nagko-contribute kami ng pang laundry saka kuryente kahit hindi humihingi ang in laws ko and hindi naman talaga nila kelangan.

I also make sure na maayos lagi room namin kasi pumapasok dun sa MIL ko para maglinis.  Nakasanayan na kasi nya na inaayos nya lagi room ni hubby, only child kasi e.  At least now, kung pumasok man sya, very minimal na lang ginagalaw nya, like buksan yung bintana for fresh air, etc

Ikaw na lang makisama sis.  Malamang sila din nag e-effort na mag adjust sayo, baka hindi mo lang napapansin 

[kaiz]

@TS - hija,you cannot expect the lola todo your laundry.kakahiya naman.. isama mo na din pagluluto. Kung sila e ipinagluluto ipinaglalaba araw-araw ng lola nila well..sorry mga tamad sila.wag mo na pamarisan.
Kung pakiramdam mo di mo kaya mga gawaing bahay,gaya ng sabi ng mga sis dito,kuha ka ng sariling maid or better yet,ask your husband na gumawa nun para sa yo.

agree. kung ako din ang lola, hindi ko rin isasama mga labahan mo sis. I would expect pa nga na ikaw maglalaba sa clothes.

[mae18]

With mine nga, si MIL nasa ibang bahay pero yun bahay na we used to lived once sa mom niya eh nakokontrol lahat ng galaw at kilos ng hubby ko, sad to say, when i and my son moved out and go back to my parents, parang wala pa din, si hubby andun pa din sa mom niya... and maybe sooner or later, baka iwanan na din kaming mag ina at duon na lang siya sa parents niya....

[switblububbles]

^i sympathize sis...we have same situation.

[crazycoolchic19]

Hormonal changes lang yan sis,..ilang taon ka na ba matanong kita?
I got preggy at 22 yrs. old living with inlaws, yup mahirap magbuntis pero di naman high risk pagbununtis ang mga simpleng gawain sa bahay eh exercise pa yan sayo,
Naglalaba ako with hubby when i was pregnant minsan ako lang mag isa.at kayang kaya ko yun, naghuhugas ako plato,nakapagluluto ako.
Sa case mo maghanap ka ng labandera na kakilala mo jan sa labasan nyo na weekly mo pappupuntahin para ipaglaba ka, if hinde mo kaya or hinde ka matulungan ni hubby wag mo na iasa sa lola o sa iba pa., matanda na yun at tingin nya sayo dagdag responsibilidad ka pa sa kanya and besides matanda na nga may mood swing din yan..
Mag grocery good for a week na madali iprepare na breakfast,simpleng lang naman problema mo wag mo gawing komplikado.



* edited*

Eto sis...pinalaglaba ako one tine ng inlaws ko nung pregnant ako wala kasi kame ni hubby sa house ng time na yun naggagala,sinama nya sa mga maruruming damit nila kase maglalaba sya hiyang hiya ako nung pinaglaba ako, kaya ginawa ko dahil sa hiya ko na  baka ipaglaba ulit  kami tinago ko maigi ang marumihan namin ...nakakahiya at ayoko masanay sa ganun ano na lang sasabihin ng mga tao, tsk...tsaka isa pa  OC kase ako ayoko magkakasama damit namin sa damit nila sa washing time .at pag sasampay  may mga ritwal ako ano magkakatabi na damit

[prettydefined]

I feel you sis. Sobrang mahirap pag hindi ka mkakilos ng ayos kase feeling mo lahat ng galaw mo papansinin. Lalo na sis buntis ka. Konting tiis lang sis. Basta maging open ka lang sa hubby mo sa lahat ng nararamdaman mo.

[Ma.Jewel_1987]

Sis iammisslawyer, i think since wala ang maid nyo ngayon hindi ata tama na si grandma pa ang magwash ng mga labahan nyo? kasama din namin sa bahay ang buong family ng kuya ko and salitan kami sa paglalaba pag day off ko ako, pagday off nila sila so hindi nagiging issue samin ang gagawa ng mga ganung bagay kasi parang nakakainis nga naman ha in my opinion lang naman na pati damit mu ay si granny pa ang maglalaba aba aba aba, dapat automatic na ikaw na ang maglalaba ng damit nyo ni husband.

And i dont think it would hurt na since ikaw lang naman pala ang nagbebreakfast eh ikaw na din ang magluto hehe. Unless super duper selan ng pregnancy mu na hanggang tayo lang ang kaya mung gawin?

Kelangan mu din kasi ipakita sa kanila na nag eeffort ka sis lalo kung nasa bahay ka lang naman at hindi nagwowork, i am not saying na ikaw ang pumalit sa maid nyo but yung mga bagay na magaan lang naman pwedi mu na siguro akuin yun

[BDJ]

Same situation tayo, ahead of plans ang pregnancy ko so not that prepared as well especially in finances. Nakatira rin ako sa in law. Honestly I want to be independent too at yun ang kinukulit ko sa husband ko pero he told me na he can't live his grandmother kasi naman matanda na and yet of course walang mag-aalaga sa kanya. Nahihirapan rin ako kasi of course sasabihin na I have freedom to do this at home but still the authority and some rules must be followed from her pa rin and that is the reason na I still want to be independent. Moody pa in which nahirapan rin ako run na tipong ayaw pa niya na may pahara hara sa daan niya to think na ang liit lang ng unit namin. Tapos sisitahin ka sa lahat ng kilos mo. Minsan minomonitor sa kwarto ko tapos babangayan ako bigla na wala raw akong pakialam sa asawa ko. Kapag nag-away pa sila ng anak niya which is Tito ng hubby ko sa init ng ulo niya minsan damay damay pa kami. Yun ang ayaw ko pero wala akong magagawa. Kaya nga hopefully mabenta na yung bahay na binili tapos pwede nang pauwiin yung in law ko.

[babiyolove]

isipin lang lagi is yung kid/kids part ng being mommy is yun selfless love. ready magtiis for the kids. one way is to secure yours and your hubby's place sa life ng isat isa and ang center is si God. pag sya ang nag lead ng relationship kahit anong pagdaanan kaya nyo.

[purple_girl]

thread was created almost a year ago pa, so i'm assuming nanganak na si ts.

[lisse]

oo nga no! I wonder if na-resolve na yung concerns niya with her ILs.

[aquacharly]

For those in similar situations: unplanned pregnancy + limited funds --   oo nga as the other sis advice: Suck it up.
Deadmahin mo, take care of yourself, understand your husband needs time to save, don't stress yourself & hubby, and just wait it out --  things will turn your way eventually.

You are forever stuck with his relatives, though you may live apart from them later on -- so, minimize ill feelings.  Ikaw ang magpa haba ng pasensya since you are the "intruder" to their previously orderly lives.  Let's face it:  your presence there strains finances,  relationships & space.

Plus, susko ha! Do not expect the grannie to serve you. Buti nga she does your hubby's laundry.  She is old & still making laba laba? Ngek.  Pregnancy is not a disease, you are healthy -- pull your weight plus more kung wala kayong maid.