Para hindi ma OT: IMO, ENERGY_STAR:
Everything can be fixed, just be consistent & true with your remorse & reform. Ligawan mo uli wife mo.
PM me if you are interested in seeking comprehend & non-judgmental counseling. You go first & be honest -- thereafter, you can send her alone, then the 2 of you can go.
Or, naku hwag ako ma WARNING! WATCHED -- but I believe it is of big help -- though I have not done it -- the RETROUVAILLE seminar of FE GLORIA. Sa mga write-ups about this in the Diarios -- it is very good for couples who are (konting aching na lang) on the brink of separating.
Information on the marriage healing program mentioned by Aquacharly can be found in the Announcements section of this Chat Forum. That said, I will stop short of describing the program any further, lest I get watched or banned for promoting something in the wrong section of this forum. Do just take a look at the Announcements section.
Energy_star,
What has happened is that at some point in time you each forgot about the promise you made each other when you got married, and so you each jumped out of the frying pan into the fire, so to speak. And so now, a lot of hurts - on both sides - need to be healed.
My husband and I, together and married over 38 years, have had our share of issues and concerns and we quickly dropped down an abyss of misery engendered by errors in judgement and resulting to intellectual, verbal, emotional, psychological, and physical (now coming out as we start the twilight of our years, meaning senior citizenship) because of various forms of infidelity: one-night stands, affair with OW, internet pornography, emotional involvement, not making one's spouse the priority in one's life. Yep, you heard/read it right - not making one's spouse the priority in one's life is also a form of infidelity. This is something we each learned when we did the marriage healing program way back in 2008, and having learned of it had helped me at that time understand the way I was feeling so forlorn and deserted like a new born baby left at a garbage dump. Doing the program had helped my husband and me get to the road of forgiveness, making amends and healing, and now all I feel, when I remember those miserable years, is thankfullness - like a hungry baby having finally been brought to its mother's breast.
Then too there is this one we also learned that each one of us express our love in various languages, much like how we may speak different languages if we happen to come from differing regions in the Philippines. One may be speaking love to one's spouse but the other may just not understand it, all because one's spouse could maybe have a different love language: any of the 5 - quality time, receiving/giving gifts, acts of service, affirmation or touch. I think I am allowed to mention the book here without ending up being watched or banned form posting anymore comments in this forum so here goes: Dr. Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages. Lately, the same author has released other titles of the same genre, and if I recall it right there is now even a book The 5 Love Languages of Men. Why did I mention this piece on love languages? Because many marital issues begin with a breakdown in communication between the spouses - that spans the gamut from deathly silence to loud angry voices, and more - and then after that, one or both start feeling unloved. Then come what could only be called the inevitable: many instances of errors in judgment.
I am aware that you started this thread using the title "Trust in Marriage" but I hope you will bear with me first, before I cover that topic in a while.
I am quite sure that when you started to court your wifey (I like how you added that "y" by the way - it comes across like a term of endearment), you MADE A DECISION to do so. When she said yes to you and she became your girlfriend, she MADE A DECISION to have you as her boyfriend. When you married each other, you each MADE A DECISION to do so. Decisions, decisions, decisions.
In married life, the each of you need to understand that you will need to continue doing that - MAKE A DECISION - and it will have to be done each and every day:
- decision to LOVE one's spouse, no matter how unloveable you perceive him/her to be
- decision to abide by one's COMMITMENT to one's spouse and marital vows, since that is what you each promised each other on your wedding day when you married each other, no matter the temptation or the multitude of reasons to not abide by such promise anymore
- decision to FORGIVE one's spouse (with or without the erring spouse asking for forgiveness) and to ask for forgiveness, the asking done BOTH by the erring spouse for committing the deed/s that resulted to a hurt AND by the hurt spouse for, I am betting that this is accurate, having reacted either in anger or in copious tears (and in many instances having brought the children along for the ride, among some couples the children are asked or made to take sides, etc.)
- decision to TRUST one's spouse - if one is the erring party then the trust has to do with knowing that one can still be forgiven AND if one is the hurt party then the trust has to do with being open to the erring party's demontrations of trustworthiness as well as accepting that one can change for the better. The demonstrations of trustworthiness has to do with wanting to make right the wrong that was done, with wanting to heal the hurt that was caused, with avoiding AT ALL COSTS exposure to the same kind of temptations that had resulted to the erring partner's actions that hurt the spouse.
That said, and assuming that you practice a religion, and presuming that it is a Christian one, are you aware that the bible says that once one looks at a person, who is not one's spouse, with lust in his/her thoughts, then that is a sin? Like our priest-friend likes to say, "Imagine to that, you just looked and thought!" Marriage indeed is very rigid on the man-woman relationship being EXCLUSIVE and LIFELONG to the parties who married each other.
Finally, when it was my husband and I who were doing the marriage healing program, one of the first things we each did was seek reconciliation with God through confession. Knowing that we each were forgiven by God, we each found the courage to forgive our own selves, and then to seek forgiveness and to forgive each other. After that we started discussions and negotiations - yes you heard THOSE right - on how amends could be made so that healing could be achieved. It was arduous and back-breaking, I can tell you that from experience, since one has to consider and decide - yes, yet again, MAKE A DECISION, if the other's proposed making amends actions is acceptable and would contribute to healing the hurts caused. The next equally difficult part is being consistent with doing the accepted making amends actions, since after all man is a habitual creature and will usually find it hard to unlearn ingrained habits. How are we - my husband and I - doing? Well, I tell you, that forgiveness road is really craggy and uphill, but at least we are among people who share the same road with us, and we encourage each other to keep going and not give up.
Mommy Fe
