My marriage is boring and i'm getting tired

[stormy_princess]

Here's our story. We are different individuals from different world. I mean, were a total opposite. We got married 2years ago and turning 3yrs in a couple of months from now. For that two years, we never seem to get out from the adjustment period. We tried to understand each differences but it seems its not working. My husband is a total brat and i am a total independent. He wants to follow his way and i tried to be submissive to him. He never make suyo everytime nagtatampo ako. He never said sorry in front of my face. Ako man o sya ang may kasalanan bottom line is ako pa rin ang magpapakumbaba. Anniversaries and birthday ko, no special thing he did for me. We treated it as an ordinary day. He never dated me na. The bottom line is, in order for the marriage to get work, ako na lang gumagawa ng lahat ng paraan to keep the fire burning. And it came to the point na sobrang nabobored at nagsasawa na ako. Sa dami ng sama ng loob ko sa kanya naiipon na. And worst, we never talked about it because he don't want to listen to me. As a woman, i want to feel i am important and i am loved pero he's insensitive. Without our child, malamang nakipaghiwalay na ako sa kanya pero I'm still here. Wanted to fix everything kahit ang hirap hirap na. I don't know what to do anymore..And i have no one to talk to and vent out my feelings except here

[stylishmomy]

^so sorry to hear about your story sis, was he like that na before marriage? I wonder if you already knew that he's not the romantic/showy kind of person. How long have you been together before marriage?

I hope it can still be worked out sis.

[stormy_princess]

Before marriage sis, he's the kind of showing his love to me by giving me cards every monthsaries and anniversaries or sometimes out from nothing lang. He would date me sometimes weekly pa. He would surprise pa nga me sometimes. But now that were married, he's the kind that settle down with what we have. Everything is routinary na. No more sparks and all. When he asked me what i want, i told him the non-materials things. Instead, i ask him to treat me a woman suppose to be treated. Pero wala pa rin. Last week was my birthday, somebody here in the office gave me flowers. When i get home, he just said, "feel na feel mo ang flowers mo ah." I told him, "yeah i'm thankful because someone makes me special which is suppose to be dapat ikaw yun." He just turn around and walk away.

[ishopnowfeelguiltylater]

hi sis i am getting married this year but this is also what I fear the most.

sadly, people change and to attempt to change a person will only make him hate you. we don't have any choice but to adapt. if it pains you to wait for him to do something, why not try new things that you think will bring you happiness, without having to depend on him for it? libangin mo na lang sarili mo sis, since di din natin alam (?) kung ano reason bat nagbago siya.

pero sis wag ka magagalit ha? sana di mo na siya binanatan nung tungkol sa flowers. it maybe your lambing, pero sana pinakita mo na lang na sobrang saya mo sa flowers without having to hurt him with words. personally I think guys are more sensitive than girls, kaya I try to pick my words when I want to tell him something.

i ask him to treat me a woman suppose to be treated.

there are two sides to this sis. maybe he doesn't know how, or he doesn't see you as a woman. yung first, he has to find out on his own and he has to willingly do it. Dun sa second, baka kasi ikaw ang nagdadala ng (sorry for the term) b*lls sa relationship kaya he doesn't see you as a woman. if you are up for it , maybe you can help him see that you are indeed a woman.

[minicake]

Hi sis stormy_princess I feel for you kasi nakakarelate ako though lamang ka lang 1 year samin kami naman magto2 years,same with you he doesn't treat me special unike before and also special occasions is just an ordinary day for him,sobrang nakakafrustrate pero wala ko magawa I always told him my grievances pero wala lang sa kanya. I'm totally unhappy and like you without my daughter tagal ko na sya iniwan. He's so inconsiderate and never fail to annoy me almost everyday.. Haaay wish I have enough resources to raise my baby para makawala sa kanya kasi nagiging monster na ko..    

[stormy_princess]

sis Dhee-Dhee, yes sis kahit na sya may mali ang dating ako pa rin. Lagi na lang ako at nakakapagod na. I tried to talk to him pero he doesn't mind eh. Lagi naman. He's not willing to listen either. Para sa kanya, kadramahan ko lang lahat. I want to talk to his mom, kasi pagdating sa Mama nya sumusunod sya. Pero natatakot din ako sis. Yung mom nya kasi sobrang protective sa kanila. I am afraid na baka ako pa yung lumabas na masama:(

sis ishopnowfeelguiltylater, tama ka. I need to entertain myself without thinking about him. Yes, that's me kasi i grew up independently. Pero what hurts me more is we have a 2year old baby. Nakakaawa ang bata kasi kahit di sabihin nakakaramdam ng pressure between us and i am not known for faking my feelings and i am not manhid either:(

For the flowers, sometimes sis, kung di pa sya sabihan ng hurtful words di pa nya malaman na he's doing something wrong. But i'll take note your advise. I asked him to treat me like a woman suppose to be treated. Actually, meron pa ako list non sis. Like, he won't stop to kiss me goodnight before we sleep; he would not forget to great me on our special days; to hug me when i'm tired etc. Mahirap ba gawin yun? And maybe you are right, nasanay sya ng pampered sa akin.

I don't know what to do. Naaawa lang ako sa child namin and nagsa-start na rin ako mag self pity. Pinag-pe-pray ko na sana malaman nya kung ano ang emotional burden ko na pinapasan...

[stormy_princess]

sis minicake, honestly i don't know kung hanggang saan ko sya kakayanin. Several times, i came to the point of giving up. I believe i don't deserve this. And i hate thinking na hinahayaan ko sya na saktan ako katulad nito.

[stylishmomy]

^I really hope that he realizes it before its too late sis, and YES baka ikaw pa ang lalabas na masama if you try to tell his mom about it, considering she's the protective kind.

Maybe something is really stressing him out or bothering him sis? work?

[stormy_princess]

sis stylishmomy, i don't know sis. i really don't know. oh well, how would i know it eh he did not even to share with me. Siguro nga may tampo rin sya sa akin na hindi nya rin masabi but when i initiate naman to talk to him, ayaw naman magsabi. oh boy, ang hirap ng ganito..

[glamorosa_09]

ganda ng advice ni sis ishopnow!

So based from your post sis, ito yung mga expectations mo from him as a husband

1. Minsan naman sya yung maunang mag-sorry at hindi na lang palaging ikaw.
2. He should make you feel special specially if there's an important occasion.
3. You want him to communicate with you.

Valid naman lahat ng expectations mo. And yes, you've been wanting to communicate everything that is happening and because no communication is going on, resentment is starting to build up.

It has always been said how important communication is. The question is, how do you start your communication? Do you begin with a soft start-up like, "Honey, I feel unimportant already in our relationship. Pansin ko, pag tuwing may special occasion, parang wala lang." Or do you criticize agad. "You make me feel neglected, You never do anything special to me, you've changed."

Like with your remark about the flower, mag-shashutdown talaga hubby mo sayo.

If you started with criticizing, you really cannot expect him to communicate with you. Inunahan mo ng judgment eh. Whenever we use "YOU, YOU, YOU" when we communicate, we attack them as a person. And it's never gonna work. Why don't you try to use "I, I, I" like on my first example. It's called the "I message."

Regarding change, yes, seems like he changed nga. But ask yourself, who really first changed in the relationship? Based on my observations and experiences, babae madalas unang nagbabago. How's the attention you're giving to him? I mean compare mo rin yung sarili mo as a girlfriend in the past and as a wife in the present. I'm sure lots have changed after the arrival of baby.

Mahirap baguhin ang ibang tao, sarili lang natin yung kaya nating baguhin na mahirap nga din gawin.

Also take a look in your marriage din, kung anong aspect yung pwedeng i-solve or baguhin, or yung kailangang i-accept habanghubay. Hindi kasi lahat ng gusto natin, makukuha natin.

[stormy_princess]

sis glamorosa_09, i'll take note of your advise. For the attention, as much as possible i am trying to give her and my baby equal attention. Minsan nga masama sa loob ko kasi nauuna ko pa sya kesa sa anak namin. Hubby is like getting too much attention kasi. Nasanay na lahat ng attention from his family nasa kanya na. And me on my part, i dont want to settle rin na napapabayaan din ako..

sis Dhee-Dhee, tama ka sis dapat ako ang nauuna nakakaalam ng mga nangyayari sa kanya pero sis hindi eh. Ang daming instances na nahuhuli ko sya both texts and minsan nadudulas na rin sya sa akin na mas nauuna pa nya sabihan ang mga pamilya compare sa akin. Parang hindi tuloy ako trustworthy. Sad but true.

[mheloya]

hi po, new lang po ako dito sa forum, sorry to hear about your story sis stormy_princess

i agree with sis glamorosa_09, or maybe need time na kayong dalawa lang. did you try sis na mag out-of-town kayo ni hubby na kayo lang pr mag-karoon ng bonding with baby, i mean minsan kasi nakakalimutan na natin ang mga dating lambing, time sa mga partner natin, malaki din matutulong nito para makapag usap kayo at mag reminisce kayo bago kayo nagkakilala, pano sia nanligaw,  mga sweet memories na alam nio na nagpapakilig sa iniong dalawa. para manumbalik ang love. Minsan kasi kapag may baby na, ang focus na lang natin is sa baby na lang natin and nakakalimutan na natin ang needs ng partner natin kahit simple lambing.


Hold on lang po sis, wala naman po di makukuha sa magandang usapan.

I hope na maging ok po lahat. 

[babymom20]

sis stormy_princess, ikaw ba yung foreigner ang asawa? para lang kasi na meron na akong nabasa somewhere na ganyan din ang issue, pero foreigner ang hub nya.

[Dhee-Dhee]

^^weird.. sana mapag usapan nyo ng maayos, at sana makicooperate din hubby mo para maresolve nyo na yan.

[stormy_princess]

sis babymom20, hindi po. Pinoy din po si hubby. Kung foreigner siguro masasabi ko pa na total cultural indifferences kaso hindi po eh:(

sis Dhee-Dhee, yes it may seem weird talaga. Minsan naiisip ko hindi nya talaga ako mahal. Kagabi hindi ako makatulog iniisip ko sana hindi na lang ako nagpadala sa kilig dati baka sakali hindi sya yung napangasawa ko. Sa sobrang sama ng loob ko kung ano ano na naiisip ko:(

[Dhee-Dhee]

^carry on, sis! matanong ko lang, hindi kaya affected hubby mo sa situation nyo? i mean, kung nakikita ka nyang ganyan, i wonder how he feels..

[stormy_princess]

i can sense naman na he's kinda affected sis. pero he is waiting for me again to do the move. As much as possible ayoko na sana. Nasanay eh. Kaso ano gagawin ko?

[j a n i z]

hi sis stormy, like you im feeling the same way. but di siguro ganun kagrabe. mag 3 years na din kami kasal ni hubby. and as in, 1st year of our married life, super nagbago asawa ko na di ko inextpect. parang di na sya ganun kaexcited makita ako, and lagi pa nakatalikod matulog. as in nagbago talaga. sinabi ko sa kanya lahat yun, and ang sabi nya kase daw iba na sitwasyon, mag-asawa na daw kase kami and parang sure naman daw na sa gabi magkasama kami, unlike daw nun magbf/gf pa lang, di naman daw kami matulog sa isang bahay. pag sinasabi ko sa kanya yun, medyo magchange gang balik ulit sa dati. and since kakasabi ko lang sa kanya ng mga tampo ko, d ko muna inuulit pero inside me sobrang sakit na and feel ko di ako love. i totally understand what you are feeling. ang hirap. di makatulog kakaisip. parang feeling natin, tayo lang ang nagbibigay, tayo lang ang nagmamahal. andami natin masyado expectations kase tayo di naman nagbago.

like you, super independent ko din. recently, narealized ko na isa to sa dahilan why my hubby is somehow di na ganun kasweet and kadikit sakin. he maybe feeling na i can do everything on my own. simple expectation na sasamahan nya ako bumili ng damit, di nya ginagawa minsan kase tingin nya kaya ko naman piliin ano maganda sa hindi.

communication is the best answer for this. talk to him in the most subtle way. yun di ka galit, di mo sya sinisisi. sabihin mo sa kanya ano sya before and ano na pinagbago nya. choose your words sis. yun mafeel nya na sya ang nagkulang and di ka lang nag-aarte. sabihin mo din what you really feel and think na pwede mangyari kung di mo sya inform dahil ayaw mo masayang yun marriage nyo.

hope sis everything will be okay. pray. 

[babymom20]

^^ sis wala ka bang naiisip na pangyayari o problema nyo kung kelan sya nag-umpisang magbago? nag backread kasi ako ng old posts mo. you seem so happy naman sa beginning nyo. saan at kelan nagbago? 


Married Life / Re: What message do you want to tell your husband?
« on: January 01, 2010, 10:50:13 pm »
i love him so much...and i'm really thankful that someone like you was the one sent by God to be my lifetime partner. you just dont know how lucky i am to have you in my life..you are so good to me and you're family also..that's why i considered myself as a lucky one:)
please take care of your self because i cannot afford to lose you..not now, not tomorrow not for the coming years..i'd rather choose to die ahead of you than to live my life without you..thank you so much for being the best husband anyone could ever have..love you so much babe:)

[glamorosa_09]

Try mo kayang mauna ulit ngayon sis, para mai-try mo ring mailabas yung hinaing mo using the tip I gave you. Malay mo baka mag-work. Basta avoid lang yung magcriticize or magjudge, be it in a soft manner, judgment pa rin. Malay mo, baka mag-open up. Pero bear in mind, to give it time din for improvement to happen.

Maganda din talagang mag-open up sya, kasi baka may nagagawa ka o hindi nagagawa kaya lumalayo ang loob nya sayo. O baka may outside reason. Siguro ang challenge mo ngayon sis, is kung pano sya ma-pag-oopen up. Kailangan mo ring maintindihan kung bakit sya nagbago.

Dun lang kasi maaayos ang problem nyo, pag naging open kayo sa isa't isa. Otherwise, wala talaga. Hindi naman kasi mahirap yung mga hinihingi mo. Pero hindi maaalis, na may negative part of him na kailangan mong i-accept. Kung ano yun, ikaw yung nakakaalam.

Hindi ba kayo nagkukwentuhan dati?